February 15, 2016

John Oliver Lampoons New Zealand PM Steven Joyce Getting Hit In The Face With A Dildo

That was epic.

February 15, 2016

John Oliver Has A New Zealand Flag Suggestion

February 15, 2016

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15: Funk You Very Much Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15: Funk You Very Much Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! So... Antonin Scalia died. And while that happened on Saturday while this was being put together, it's going to take a while to sort through all the madness to put together a proper Idiots style tribute to the late conservative Emperor. But we won't let that ruin our fun for last week, will it? No that will be next week! So back to the edition that I had originally planned: Now that the first leg of the long, long, long, long election cycle has begun. We saw the Iowa caucuses and all the election insanity surrounding it. But… that doesn’t mean because we are in New Hampshire that we’re out of the conservative idiots wood work just yet folks. Last week you know that Bernie Sanders visited Saturday Night Live when Larry David was the host. Last week we closed out last week’s edition by playing the amazing “Bern Your Enthusiasm” bit from Saturday Night Live, which might be the best thing they’ve ever done. But there was another sketch there that had the great one – Sen. Sanders himself – appearing in a sketch alongside Larry David that was amazing:



So where do we begin this week? Do we start with trashing the Oscars or do we go into the post-Super Bowl insanity surrounding Beyonce’s appearance at the halftime show? Or do we talk about what republicans were doing behind closed doors when everyone else is focusing on the election? Or do we talk about the Michigan government outlawing sodomy? I know! Let’s talk about all of the above! But who was the big winner or loser this week? Well, you got to go with Ted Nugent (1) for this one as he’s firing on all fours unleashing a brand of good old fashioned, dare I say Nazi-esque, brand of anti Semitism. And he has gone off the deep end, folks, like padded walls deep end. At number 2 is another fascist, and that’s Der Trumpenfuror (2), who might be gaining in the polls, but his son is proving to be just as bat shit crazy as he is. Not to mention he's the subject of an incredible super star filled movie made by Will Ferrell's internet production company Funny Or Die. Coming in at number 3 is former New York Mayor Rudy Guiliani (3), who is in the news for trashing Beyonce’s appearance at the Super Bowl for being anti-police, but what was actually in her new song? At number 4, while everyone is paying attention to the polls in New Hampshire, GOP state legislatures (4) are busy quietly passing some unbelievable anti-sodomy laws. At number 5, there’s plenty of cringe-worthy primary madness to talk about (5) which includes Carly Fiorina getting owned by Planned Parenthood, Jeb Bush getting kicked out of a Rotary Club meeting, and Marco Rubio talking about hard stuff. Next, we’re going to play a game of (cue reverb) “you be the judge”. Former Denver Bronco Bill Romanowski (6) is trash talking Cam Newton after the Panthers’ disastrous Super Bowl appearance, but it seems the outrage machine is making some noise and we’ll let you decide if he really is racist or not. At number seven, Ted Cruz (7) has a porn star ad fail and his wife is claiming that he’s on a mission from God. At number 8, John McCain (8) is trashing GOP candidates for using faulty rhetoric, but let’s take a look at some good old fashioned GOP hypocrisy, because history is lost on the GOP. Taking the number 9 seed, is former Pantera frontman Phil Anselmo – who is unleashing an extremely potent dose of some good old fashioned white supremacy. And finally this week, to lighten the mood after a nearly all racist, homophobic, and anti-semitic edition, I’m going to introduce a new feature to the Top 10 – Astonishing Adventures of Florida Man (10). And this week we’ve really got a whopper of a tale from Florida – it appears that a guy threw an alligator through the window of a Wendy’s drive through and is charged with assault with a deadly weapon. This story ranks about a 9.5 out of 10 on my WTF-o-meter. And we're going to close out this list with a bonus idiot for you – Martin Shkreli has a thing for overpriced hip hop. First the Wu, now he has his sights set on Kanye West. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!


[font size="8"]Ted Nugent[/font]


The republican argument on gun control is a lot like a bad thriller movie. You know it’s going to suck going in, and there’s a lot of plot holes and bad arguments and dialogue to get to the payoff. But you sit through it knowing it sucks because you want to get to the twist at the end of the argument. Because after all that’s how they keep you hooked and coming back for more. It’s like a bad Jerry Bruckheimer produced movie directed by M. Night Shymalan. And no matter how many times you have the formula figured out, there’s people who are willing to take it to new and terrifying extremes. Look at Ted “Pants Crap Fever” Nugent. Just like Donald Trump went Full Hitler, Ted Nugent is heading down that path, possibly vying for a VP position with Der Trumpenfuror. But here’s where Ted has gone full Hitler:





And of course the NRA is in full “move along, nothing to see here” mode:


First off Ted – a word of advice – when you’re in a hole, stop digging!!!



But it gets better – he’s actively attempting to justify it by calling himself a “black man” and a “war hero”. Even Robert Downey Jr.’s Kirk Lazarus character from the 2008 flick Tropic Thunder is wondering what the hell Ted Nugent is smoking. Hell, I want some of whatever he’s smoking, because it must be some pretty strong shit:







He didn’t just say “funk you very much” did he? There’s only one person in the entire world who gets to say that phrase in a proper context, and that is Bootsy Collins. And big difference between Bootsy Colllins and Ted Nugent – Bootsy rules, Nugent doesn’t. Not by a long shot. Allow me to channel Kirk Lazarus for a minute: “Don’t go full Hitler, kid. Never, ever go full Hitler.”. In fact to get the stink of Nugent out of the room, let’s play some Bootsy:






[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]


One of the stranger things that happened in New Hampshire this week is that Vermin Supreme finished fourth in the primaries. This is just how fucked up our political system is. People would actually be willing to vote for a guy who wears a boot on his head and is running on a platform to give America free ponies. This guy:



So how does this factor into this week’s news about Der Trumpenfuror? Well for one thing they’re both crazy candidates running on platforms promising Americans a lot of nonsense and are gaining huge numbers in the polls. Then Der Trumpenfuror’s son is proving that he’s just as batshit crazy as his dad is:



Oh yeah waterboarding is just a harmless frat prank. Move along, nothing to see here. Oh yeah and it’s the kind of thing that gets fraternities kicked off campus. By the way, a Google search for “frats kicked off campus” yields about 2,000,000 results. So colleges aren’t taking this sort of thing sitting down. But the best thing this week about Der Trumpenfuror? Well leave it to Funny Or Die to create a long lost 1980’s TV movie starring Der Trumpenfuror, and based on his book “The Art Of The Deal”:



If you haven’t seen it yet, you owe it to yourself to watch it. This is why Johnny Depp is one of the greatest actors of our generation – just like playing Whitey Bulger in Black Mass, Depp is almost unrecognizable as Der Trumpenfuror. You’d almost think you were watching the real thing. And I love that they made Robert Durst a business partner.


[font size="8"]Rudy Guiliani[/font]


So while Coldplay was the main attraction at the Super Bowl halftime show this year, Beyonce stole the show – and nearly all the critics agreed. But the racists and sexists out there slammed her performance. There were even reports of it being “too sexual” for a “family friendly program” (those people are Mike Huckabee’s target audience ). But the racists have been out in full force since the show, and can’t seem to shake one particular aspect of Beyonce’s performance:



On the same day that a world wide tour goes on sale? You know that you’re going to be outnumbered here, right, race baiters? In the words of one of the funniest movies made in the last ten years – Idiocracy, “Go away, baitin’!”. :lol:

But no one does the baitin’ better than former New York mayor Rudy Guiliani, as he did on the show that I love to make fun of the most, Fox & Friends:

Really? Beyonce used her Super Bowl appearance as a platform to attack police? Funny I watched that same show and I don’t remember that happening. I was too busy being distracted by the lights and colors of the halftime show. I’ve even read the lyrics to the new song that she debuted, I don’t find the words “attack police” anywhere in it:

I want some of whatever these guys are smoking, that’s all.


[font size="8"]GOP State Legislatures[/font]


So we can all admit that this was a pretty cool image from the Super Bowl halftime show, right?



“Believe in love” – because that’s what everybody should be doing. Well not if you saw Twitter after the game on Sunday. Nope. You would see such angry, hateful comments as “All the halftime show did was promote homosexuality”. And “Basically a homo pride celebration during halftime… and that’s one reason why our country has gone down”, or my favorite angry 13 year old tweet – “That was the GAYEST halftime show I’ve ever seen like straight up homo” Uh….. what? Homosexuality is served straight up with no chaser? I didn’t know it was a drink! Well, as you may know Uganda and Russia have been under international scrutiny for enacting some of the toughest anti-LGBT laws not seen anywhere else in the world. Well, if laws passed in South Dakota and Michigan are any indication, the US might join them. Yay! Three countries all run by right wing religious extremists telling people who can and can’t get laid! What great examples of humanity!


And Michigan:



Yes this would be a felony punishable by life in fucking prison. Because that’s exactly what both Uganda and Russia are doing and it sets an incredibly dangerous precedent that’s got them in serious trouble with human rights activists. Do we really want the US to go down that path? Hell no!! The mere fact that the laws are on the books in not one, but two states is a slap in the face to freedom.


[font size="8"]Cringe Worthy Primary Madness[/font]


So in what has to be one of the most cringe worthy moments of the entire primary cycle, Jeb! got kicked out of a New Hampshire Rotary Club meeting:



And in an even more cringe worthy moment, on the subject of republicans and creepy, implied sexual innuendo, Marco Rubio had this to say while eating a Twix bar:





But what has to be the best thing is now that we’re finally out of New Hampshire and heading out toward Super Tuesday, we can expect a lot of conservative idiocy. Thankfully, we won’t have Mike Huckabee, Chris Christie, or Carly Fiorina to deal with anymore. And Planned Parenthood had some lovely parting words for Carly:



Where’s Nelson when you need him? Oh here he is:




[font size="8"]Bill Romanowski[/font]


Allow me to play devil’s advocate for a minute. We’re going to play a game called “You be the judge”. Notice that I didn’t use the “racism” icon because we’re going to talk about the internet outrage machine. It’s getting ridiculous folks. So after the Super Bowl, former Denver Bronco and current anti violence poster boy Bill Romanowski posted this on Twitter:



Sure, Cam Newton threw that famous temper tantrum at the Super Bowl which caught world wide attention. But Eli Manning was just as big of a dick if not worse than Newton. Well here’s where the whole thing might have been misconstrued and taken out of context like the internet outrage machine tends to do all the time:



But no! He’s not racist! He told TMZ that he claims that he loved the show “Good Times”!


See, this is where I think the internet outrage machine takes things way too far. As is often the case with Mr. Romanowski. Sure, he has a history of being a complete dick to people, and has a well known history of violence, but no, let’s call him out for using the word “boy” in the wrong context. But here’s where Mr. Romanowski might be considered a racist – he threatened Cam Newton:



OK now I’m starting to think that Tweet might actually be racist. But… you be the judge!


[font size="8"]Ted Cruz[/font]


In what has to be one of the most cringe worthy moments of the primaries so far, let’s talk about Ted Cruz, the current winner in the primaries. First off, his new ad airing in New Hampshire features the star of a movie called “Kinky Sex Club” and “Sex Spa II: Body Work” (did he see Sex Spa I?):



And if you guessed he pulled it – you are correct!



And further, Ted Cruz loves to play the Jesus card doesn’t he? I mean he goes so far out of his way to prove that he’s the more godly candidate than the next, that Ted Cruz and his wife both are resorting to saying stupid shit like this:



So Ted, are you and Heidi now channeling Elwood and Jake? Are you on a mission from God?




[font size="8"]John McCain[/font]


So torture… we can all agree is horrible, right? And who is the worst person in the world to ask about it? The one guy who was actually tortured in real life when he spent 3 years in a POW camp while serving Vietnam. Even after all these years, you think John McCain would be the one who’d be actively campaigning against torture, am I not correct about that? Well here, he unleashes the hypocrisy you’d come to expect from former Bush officials, especially the one guy who wanted to “bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran”.

So between John McCain and Eric Trump let’s look the other way on torture because it’s just a harmless frat boy prank, am I not right about that? Well let’s revisit some history from his former vice presidential candidate and current “Hunter Barbie” figure Sarah Palin:


Yeah we’re just baptizing the terrorists by cutting off their air supply and pouring freezing cold water on them. To quote Stephen Colbert – “This just in – Jesus has quit!”.




[font size="8"]Phil Anselmo[/font]


I’ve said before in previous editions that I love the metal, and just about all kinds of rock music. And it saddens me that I have to include this entry in my list this week. Talk about spoiling a party and ruining what was otherwise a nice tribute. So Dimebag Darrell was an awesome dude and a great frontman for one of the best heavy metal bands of the late 80’s, early 90’s. And we can all agree that him getting gunned down on stage by a crazed lunatic just playing a gig is one of the saddest tragedies in music, am I not right about that? Well every year since his tragedy, mourners gather in Los Angeles to pay tribute to the late Dimebag. This year’s bash was attended by another one of the all time greats in rock music – and that’s Dave Grohl. Here’s a clip of Dave performing a very moving tribute to Dimebag covering Pink Floyd’s classic “Wish You Were Here”:



And here’s where things went south. Dimebag’s Pantera costar Phil Anselmo got caught with his racist pants down. Video of this is available on Youtube, and I won’t link to it out of the interest of keeping this NSFW friendly.





So... your claim of “white power” was actually referring to your white zinfandel? To quote one of my favorite flicks, Super Troopers, “I'll believe that when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbert.” Sorry Phil, but you forget that you live in the Internet age, and there’s no such things as take backs. You made a white power salute and got caught on tape with your racist pants down. But why is it back in the news this week? Corey Taylor of Slipknot / Stone Sour fame gave an interview in which he explains – and nails – metal’s huge problem with racism.



Well said, Mr. Taylor. Well said.


[font size="8"]Astonishing Adventures Of Florida Man[/font]


Ah, Florida. As Tracy Morgan once called it on an episode of one of my favorite shows of all time, 30 Rock, “The penis of America”. So you guys and gals by now know that I am dedicated to bringing the crazy extra hard for the 10th spot for the Top 10, am I right about that? Well, what’s crazier than a guy who threw a live alligator through the window of a Wendy’s drive through, then telling the police that he’s a fan of the late Steve Irwin? The only thing that would be crazier is if crap literally started spewing out of Alex Jones’ mouth. Roll tape!




Oh starts out innocently enough. Just some Wendy’s employees pulling the night shift when they suddenly get the surprise of a live fucking alligator being thrown the drive through window. And it would even be weirder than that if it was a fucking alligator, wouldn’t it? Hey o!!!

Let’s continue:


Backwards baseball hat? Check. Pulling into a drive through window for a large jug of caffeine and sugar for an all night bender? Check. Throwing something, much less a live animal at fast food employees? Check. Mate. But that arrest report brings up many questions. First – well, first being “why?????”. Second - “possession of an alligator” is a criminal offense in Florida? Really? Is that the only state in the union where this is a crime? And how big was this alligator? According to the article, it was not a full grown one – this one was just 3 and a half feet long. But here’s where it gets weird:



You know James, the name of the show was “Steve Irwin: Crocodile Hunter”, not, “Steve Irwin, Alligator Tosser”. Talk about missing the point of the show. I mean seriously, this is one of the biggest epic fails of a story that I have heard in quite some time. But while the prank was far from dangerous, here’s just what could have happened if an alligator of that size actually did attack someone:


This story might be an epic fail on just about every sense of the term, but James will have a story to tell at parties for decades, assuming he doesn’t get attacked by an alligator first.



[font size="8"]BONUS IDIOT:[/font]
[font size="8"]Martin Shkreli [/font]


I wouldn’t let you get out of here without giving you a bonus, could I? Because what kind of host would that make me? Not a very good one if you ask me! So Martin Shkreli, you know him best as Pharma Bro, and you know that in multiple previous issues, I have discussed his on again, off again feud with the Wu Tang Clan. I would save this for next week, but this is too damn good to leave off this week. But let's start with Kanye West's insane set of rules for performers for his ego stroking album premiere in New York City this week. Well now it appears he has his sights set on another overpriced rap album and that’s Kanye Wests’ “The Story Of Pablo” which he revealed to the public yesterday in a batshit crazy press conference Kanye style:



Kanye West does something low key for a change? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… wait a minute.. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I mean come on, he had the fucking launch party at Madison Square Garden! And it was broadcast in movie theaters all around the country! But here’s a guy who he shares something in common with – a massive ego and more money than brains – and that’s Pharma-Douche Martin Shkreli. Well here’s where Shkreli wants to buy the only copy of “The Life Of Pablo” available right now – for the low low price of $10 million. Oh and he also owes the IRS $4.5 million.



Can we get a Kickstarter going to raise the $15 million needed to make this happen? Maybe we can we end Kanye’s madness before it starts? Well there’s at least one way to solve that problem! Come on let’s get it going! At least they have a song they can share together:



Baby, I’m awesome… awesome… y’all know…

See you next week!

February 15, 2016

John Oliver Discusses America's Fear Of Voter Fraud

February 11, 2016

Ted Nugent Claims He Is A "Motown Black Man" Who Will "Free Democratic Slaves"

Funk you very much??? WTF is he smoking? He's not Bootsy Collins. Only Bootsy gets to say that!

February 11, 2016

Vermin Supreme Finishes Fourth In NH Primaries

I am loving this.

In case you're unaware, Vermin Supreme is this guy:

February 10, 2016

Samantha Bee Compiles A List Of Every Time Stephen Colbert Mentions Balls

February 8, 2016

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14: Take My Brother, Please! Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14: Take My Brother, Please! Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Well another Super Bowl and Iowa Caucus have come and gone. Well the Super Bowl – there were a lot of highlights and a few low lights (don't get me started on how much I utterly despise Mountain Dew's “puppy monkey baby” commercial). Congratulations to the Denver Broncos and Peyton Manning. Time to go out on a high note, Peyton! Panthers – you put up a good fight, and you can sleep easier knowing that your championship hats and t-shirts are going to be clothing Africa's impoverished children. First off, I love that Stephen Colbert took the liberty of moderating a Trump Vs. Trump panel:





There was a lot of conservative idiocy for Iowa Caucuses. Almost too much. But the biggest loser of all of them was easily Jeb! (1). The Jeb! campaign is so desperate to regain its' former glory that its' easily taking the top spot this week. And celebrate good times come on! I'm of course talking about the fact that stupid loser Der Trumpenfuror (2) came in second in the Straw Poll, but he's not taking it sitting down. Oh no good sir/madam, Der Trumpenfuror is pissed and we'll tell you all about it! At number 3 and 4, we're going to recap the Iowa straw poll and all the madness including Ben Carson flying to Florida for a “change of clothes”, the debate intro fail, Michelle Bachmann calling Obama the antichrist, and we're going to take a look at some GOP marketing fails from Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio. Returning champion Michigan governor Rick Snyder (5) falls to fifth place this week, but he's not leaving this list until he resigns or is arrested. Next, we're going to introduce you to a men's rights activist named Dariyush Valizadeh (6) and something about this creep tells me that he should be on a registered sex offender list or two. Ted Cruz (7) is getting an endorsement from a pastor who thinks that Ted Cruz was appointed by God to run the US, while a reporter who attended a Cruz rally has the exact opposite opinion. At number 8, last place contestant and current Ohio governor John Kasich (8) says that if he's elected president he'll reunite Pink Floyd. Good luck with that, John! Taking the 9th seed is the Bundy Bunch (9) who are finally behind bars, but the Malhuer occupation is far from over. Finally – the Oscars aren't the only thing committing some racially sensitive marketing fails (10). We're going to take a look at some extremely poorly planned marketing decisions including a Sacramento Kings promo fail and a Detroit ad agency's planned “ghetto day”. Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!


[font size="8"]Jeb![/font]


Before we begin this entry, we need the appropriate music, and like my favorite podcast, read this entry in your best Casey Kasem voice. Can we get some sad Hulk music?



Jeb! has a sad. Seems he can’t even buy votes. But the sinking ship known as the Jeb! campaign is so far beyond saving that it’s almost impossible to recover. In fact Jeb! is so desperate to regain the lead in his campaign that he's resorting to get help from the one family member who he thinks can be a real game changer.



Yup! It's (thankfully former) President Dim Son! *Bush impression* Vote for my brother! He he he... you'll essentially be voting for me again! He should have packed it in, after placing behind Ben Carson in Iowa. But nope, he appears to be running a reverse campaign. Roll tape!



That’s Jeb! actually instructing an audience to “please clap”. And before we go further, go back to the video. Notice that guy in the blue and white striped shirt sitting directly behind Jeb! ? He's so bored he looks like he's about to fall off his chair and go to sleep. That's how dull the Jeb! campaign really is. Here’s more:



And what the fuck is with republicans and creepy, implied innuendo? Did you not catch the part of the article where Jeb! told an 18 year old audience member that he “wanted to be his first”? And in case you were wondering, no, that's not your dirty mind thinking dirty thoughts, but yes, he’s talking about voting. But in New Hampshire now, an even different atmosphere awaits the Jeb! Campaign, where a reporter described the atmosphere in the room as if he'd been in a funeral home. But what’s even sadder for the Jeb! campaign is that as I said earlier, he can’t even buy votes. *Casey Kasem voice* Here’s how you too can make a quick $50 by attending a Jeb! campaign stop in Des Moines:



Were these supporters thrilled to actually be in the same room as Jeb! or were they just happy to get their $50? And that shout out goes to the one person in Des Moines who showed up too late to collect their $50. I’m Casey Kasem.


[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]




Celebrate good times come on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One down, 49 to go. I’m of course talking about the fact that Der Trumpenfuror lost the first of what will hopefully be many elections. Before we get into the madness that is the Donald Trump campaign this week, first open a new tab on your browser and go to www.loser.com. Go ahead, we’ll wait.

But first, the New York Daily News is once again nailing it:



Pretty funny, am I not right about that? Well, defeat is something that comes natural to Donald Trump, but he doesn’t take it very well. In fact, he’s not taking it sitting down, and is actually going, well, batshit crazy Trump style.



Yes, Donald Trump is so desperate to Make America Great Again, that despite losing out in Iowa, he's threatening to sue Ted Cruz for election tampering. Somebody call the whambulance! But that's not the only thing plaguing Der Trumpenfuror's campaign. It appears that he has been using much loved music superstar Adele's music without her permission, and she responded by not just calling out Der Trumpenfuror, but all American politicians can't use her music without express written permission:


Trump must really be rolling in the deep if he's being slammed by one of the world's most loved singers right now. And how did he lose in Iowa? Why he has no idea how to run a campaign!



Well since the primaries next head to New Hampshire, who knows what kind of lunacy awaits us? But one thing we can be sure of – Donald Trump is a loser for now! And while I hate to kick a man while he's down, but considering Donald Trump does that for a living, I will gladly make an exception! And to drive another nail into Trump's campaign coffin, the former president of Mexico says the Mexican people won't pay a dime for his "stupid wall":





Though if Der Trumpenfuror should make it past Super Tuesday, I think I have the perfect running mate for him - another crazy TV clown who speaks of insane fairy tales:



Trump / Supreme 2016!


[font size="8"]Straw Poll Special – Part 1[/font]


Now that we got stupid loser Der Trumpenfuror out of the way, there was so much more to Iowa that made it immensely entertaining. So much that it was nearly impossible to figure out where to start with all the madness. Like Marco Rubio caught repeating himself multiple times during the most recent debate:



But... where else do we begin, but with the guy who, as Bill Maher called him, the “Human Screensaver”, Ben Carson? Well after coming in a distant fourth to Marco Rubio, Ben Carson rushed home to Florida to grab a change of some “fresh clothes”?



You can’t make a politician like Ben Carson up. His campaign will be the stuff of legend. He is Governor Dunston from 30 Rock.



But next where else do we go? Oh yeah Michelle Bachmann went off the rails and said that Obama is going to reveal that he is the antichrist!



Oh yes my friends. Heed this warning! Obama will become the antichrist! Because you know the Bible says that the dark one shall pose as creature of light. And so on and so on...

But who's the bigger threat to America – ISIS or conservatives? Well this week Newsweek paints a very grim picture of the republican party – and you guessed it – they are the bigger threat!



Why gee who would have guessed it? The biggest threat to America isn't Osama Bin Laden, oh no – it's actually the Bundy Bunch, who we will cover much later in this edition! Huzzah!


[font size="8"]Straw Poll Special – Part II: Electric Boogaloo Die Harder Money Never Sleeps[/font]


People say that politics is boring. Although if we had the amazing musical Hamilton back when I was in high school and American politics and history were told through rap battles, I can guarantee that there would be a lot more politicians around. Well politics is boring, but then there's the Iowa caucuses which come around once every four years and offer some incredible free entertainment that usually trumps the dull January movie slump. And once every four years they bring with them such guilty pleasures as poor marketing fails and the sinking ship that is the Jeb! Campaign which we will cover later in this edition. But first here's how you don't make an introduction:



That intro was so bad that Ben Carson - as expected - fell asleep during it, and it was mocked relentlessly on SNL. But for this part – we're going to start by explaining some extremely poor marketing fails that involve the Ted Cruz campaign. He may have won Iowa, but he is losing in the marketing department!



You see Ted – we have this thing called “Google” that you can type words and phrases into and it will match words and phrases with useful articles that might contain those words and phrases. You should try it sometime. Actually I think all republicans should try it sometime.

Continuing on with the subject of extremely poor marketing fails, Marco Rubio did surprisingly well considering that he placed third behind Ted Cruz and Der Trumpenfuror. But he too is the victim of some bad timing and poor marketing. For $30 – and who wouldn't spend $30 on this bright blue Marco Rubio t-shirt that has the word “bae” on it?





But what does bae mean? Some say its' an acronym for “before anyone else”. Others think it means “baby” or “sweetheart”. But Urban Dictionary has an entirely different take:



Yup – two of the front runners for the GOP are now both knee deep in shit.


[font size="8"]Rick Snyder[/font]


Speaking of things that are knee deep in shit – we go back to Flint, Michigan for our ever growing coverage of Leadgate. Yeah so I added the word “gate” to the end of another word to make it a scandal worthy name. What are you going to do? Fight me about it? So we can all agree that the Flint clusterfuck is an epic fail on multiple levels, right? Well now it appears that the air in Michigan is just as toxic as the water in Flint. So what is Gov. Snyder doing about fixing this? Nothing and there’s calls for his arrest which probably won’t happen.



Gee who woulda thunk it? Why the toxic water is bringing with it – the return of deadly diseases! And yes this is something that Gov. Snyder should absolutely be arrested for. But you know what the governor is doing to help his citizens out? He’s not fixing this, but he’s giving you a 30% discount!


*Gets out old timey announcer costume and voice* Step right up folks! Get your Gov. Snyder approved toxic cure all! Wait, did I say toxic? I meant tonic! It is a miracle cure all for everything from the common cold to cancer! Now you get a discount for it folks! First 100,000 Flint residents get a new shiny 30% discount for Gov. Snyder’s miracle cure all!

I give up…


[font size="8"]Daryush Valizadeh[/font]


So in case you aren’t aware of what’s going on in the world, back in Idiots #11, I covered the horrifying New Year’s Eve mass sexual assaults that took place in Cologne, Germany allegedly conducted by an anti-woman terrorist group. The country is still fuming and the local police didn’t seem to get the message. And one person in America definitely didn’t get the message either, and is actually actively trying to make that sort of thing legal. This is not funny and not OK, under any circumstances, do you get that Daryush??





Does this guy not have any women in his family? And what sick, disgusting men would attend this kind of rally? I know I wouldn’t! In fact part of me wonders if this guy is on a registered sex offender list somewhere, and if not, he should probably be on one, as should most of the people who are going to be attending these meetings and want to see rape legalized. But the nice thing? The first is that they are getting trolled by Anonymous to the point where Valizadeh tweeted to his 19,000 fellow sex offenders that they should change their e-mail addresses:



But my personal favorite part about this is that it was met with a counter protest by a Toronto women’s boxing club:



Great job ladies! But can you actually physically fight this guy? Or can we throw this creep in an octagon with Ronda Rousey? I can imagine it would go something like this:



That would be the shortest fight ever. Only fight to ever win by telepathy.


[font size="8"]Ted Cruz[/font]


Ted Cruz may have won Iowa, but he's still a loser, and the 2016 election is still a long way off. And he's still a loser in a lot of aspects. He's certainly the most religiously crazy, and now that Huckabee and Rand Paul are both out, he is going so far out of his way to prove that he's the more manly and godly candidate than the next. Remember this video of him eating bacon that he fired off a machine gun?



Well batshit crazy mega church pastor Kenneth Copeland thinks that Ted Cruz isn't just a mere presidential candidate – no, he's the savior! So if Obama is the antichrist, and Ted Cruz is the savior, then what does that say about these people?



But how right or wrong is Kenneth Copeland? Well he is wrong, very very very very wrong. One reporter attended a Cruz rally in Iowa and found some incredibly disturbing facts that prove just the opposite of what Pastor Copeland claims.



So Ted Cruz is not the savior that the GOP thinks he is. Oh no – he's actually a sleazy snake oil salesman who's not only selling an invisible product, but selling an invisible product that is going to have devastating long term effects on America's economy. Worse than Bush. He's a graduate of the South Park Underpants Gnomes school of business economics: Step 1 – Repeal Obamacare and flat tax businesses and personal income. Step 2 - ? Step 3 – Profit!

See? Even Der Trumpenfuror has an opinion on this one.


[font size="8"]John Kasich[/font]


Politicians – especially republicans – tend to promise some incredibly stupid shit while campaigning. One such politician is dead last candidate, and the current governor of Ohio, John Kasich. At least to give him credit for one thing, he knows what music fans like, and that’s some Pink Floyd. Oh I love me some Pink Floyd. To paraphrase a quote from Homer Simpson - “He who is tired of Pink Floyd is tired of life.” And that is true if you're a music fan. But John Kasich is so far behind in the polls that he's resorting to saying stupid shit like this. Roll tape!




Hey! Hey knows what we like, and we apparently love some Pink Floyd. I know I do! But getting Roger Waters and David Gilmour in the same room would be a near impossible feat without them killing each other. But hey… they still tour and they still play Pink Floyd songs, so its’ not like we’re missing much. I am actually going to see David Gilmour in March at the Hollywood Bowl playing behind his great new album “Rattle That Lock”, and of course he’ll be playing some Dark Side and Wish You Were Here era Floyd. Between poison in Flint, our crumbling infrastructure, and our military industrial complex getting unchecked power and government subsidies, is this really what we want our next president focusing all his power on? Besides, we all know what this is really about:






[font size="8"]The Bundy Bunch[/font]


Here's the story of a man named Ammon, who stormed onto some remote government property with his brother. Together they forgot snacks and got dildos instead. Here’s the story of a man named Cliven, who was raising up two very angry sons. Now just like their father, they all share a jail cell in a maximum security prison. And there, they’re known as the Bundy Bunch… the Bundy Bunch! OK that doesn’t have the same ring to it, but it appears that the Malheur madness might finally be coming to an end… or is it?

Well at LaVoy Finicum's funeral – here's Cliven Bundy being treated like a discount Don Corleone:



But let's roll tape on the latest statement from the Bundy Bunch regarding Ammon's arrest:



But will they get bail or won't they get bail? Both Ammon and Ryan Bundy, and John “Sworn Oath” Ritzheimer will be denied without bail:








[font size="8"]Racially Sensitive Marketing Fails[/font]


Black History Month. That month that makes white supremacists everywhere say “how come there's no white history month?”. And if you have to ask that out loud, the answer to that question is, “yes, you're a racist”. But for this white Southern California male, one of my favorite flicks last year was the N.W.A. Biopic “Straight Outta Compton”. And you know what? It was a damn good movie, one that you can easily watch more than once, and a biopic that was actually about something other than the musicians kicking drugs and finding Jesus. It wasn't just about N.W.A., but about the cultural and social impacts N.W.A.'s music had that influenced the events of the period, notably the Los Angeles riots, and I grew up in that time frame so it was really interesting to see how everything unfolded. And how good was O'Shea Jackson Jr playing his dad, otherwise known as Ice Cube? Well in case you haven't been following the news, we're a week away from the Oscar Awards, and the Academy Of Motion Pictures has been getting some much deserved shit (don't worry, next week's edition will be devoted to tearing down the AMP) for not including perennial favorites Creed and Straight Outta Compton in the Best Picture and Best Supporting Actor categories. Well, the Oscars are not the only thing this year that are the victims of poor timing and poor taste. For exhibit A, we're going to Michigan where an ad agency is under fire for a planned “ghetto day”. Yes, this is a real thing here, folks.



Uh… Mr. Palmer, have you not seen the news lately? You know how much turmoil is being directed at the Academy Of Motion Pictures over the Oscar choices? And yet you choose to go through with this? This is just an epic fail on about every sense of the term. Have you not heard the term “Oscars So White”? Although I do want to say that working for a place that allows 40 ouncers at work would definitely make things a hell of a lot more interesting! Tall boy? In the words of Pam Poovey from Archer, “This here’s a 40, shorty!”

Next we’re going to Sacramento. The Sacramento Kings may not be the best team in the NBA, but they have one of the better forwards in the game with DeMarcus Cousins, who was on that awesome UK team that won the championship a couple of years ago. Well, after their latest promo SNAFU that was supposed to be promoting Chinese New Year, well, don’t be surprised if DeMarcus sits out a few games in protest.


Did the Kings not consult their players before going ahead and printing the t-shirts? They probably should if they’re going to print t-shirts with a racist symbol on them.



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8"]Bern Your Enthusiasm[/font]

How many people have been enjoying Larry David's impersonation of Bernie Sanders on Saturday Night Live this year? I know I have and I'm a huge Bernie supporter. But they definitely took it to some new heights with this mashup of the Bernie Sanders campaign and one of my favorite shows – Curb Your Enthusiasm. This is one of the best things that SNL has done in quite some time. Enjoy!





See you next week!

February 8, 2016

Former Mexican President Denounces Donald Trump And His "Stupid Wall":

February 1, 2016

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #13: Fear The Walking Bundys Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #13: Fear The Walking Bundys Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! If you or a loved one have taken the Vaxaprim Pharmaceuticals drug TTCI and have experienced the following side effects – heart attack, stroke or death, you or a loved one may be entitled to compensation. Call the law offices of Mortimer and Gas today at 1-800-BAD-DRUG. We will fight for you against the big pharmaceutical companies. Not licensed in all 50 states. Some states may be eligible for a claim but there is a small percentage of cases that actually make it to a trial. Consult your doctor for eligibility before contacting the law offices of M&G. OK enough nonsense. We’ve got a lot of conservative idiocy to cover this week, and I do mean a lot. Almost too much for one edition. First off how great was Tina Fey imitating Sarah Palin on SNL? I could have sworn that was the real thing. I’m still obsessed with that speech last week, that was magical.



By the way, someone on Youtube took the liberty of mashing up Sarah Palin’s speech with a Yosemite Sam cartoon, and the results are hilarious:





So where do we start this week? For one thing, the first spot is our returning champion Michigan governor Rick Snyder (1) who is in some deep toxic water as Flint's crisis continues to grow and mutate. At number 2 – Ammon Bundy (2) might be in custody, but the fans remain. And it's far from over – oh no, it continues to get weirder and weirder. Next, Der Trumpenfuror (3) is declaring himself bigger than Jesus, and is trolling Fox's debate party by holding his own (can you debate yourself?), and he got trolled by Harry Potter author JK Rowling. He also got a huge endorsement from the only guy in America who's a bigger racist than he is. At number 4, in this corner, we've got racism – and a lot of it! First, we're going to go to Phoenix, where a high school is under fire after a group of students spelled out the “N” word for a yearbook photo. Then we're going to Florida where during a debate about the nation's harshest abortion ban yet is resulting in some unrequested misogyny and racism targeted at single mothers. In the 5th slot, a New York Times investigation discovered that the Wounded Warrior Project (5) spent – you guessed it – no money on actual wounded warriors! Taking up the sixth spot, is none other than pharma bro Martin Shkreli (6) who's escalating his feud with the Wu Tang Clan, and everyone knows that Wu Tang aint nuthin to fuck with. At number 7, Glenn Beck is once again preparing for the apocalypse by reading to his family the delightful bed time story “Left Behind”. At number 8, North Carolina Senator Tom Tillis (8) wants restaurants to be able to opt out of those pesky health code regulations. In the number 9 spot, we're going to North Carolina and introducing you to Pastor Kenneth Simmons (9) who is encouraging his flock to leave religious pamphlets disguised as $20 bills as tips. This is a Mr. Burns level of evil. Finally for the 10th spot, we're bringing back Good Guys With Guns (10). This time we're going to Seattle where a guy who was terrified of mass shootings brought a gun into a showing of the Michael Bay Benghazi flick “13 Hours” and – wait for it – shot someone. You can't make this stuff up, folks. Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!


[font size="8"]Rick Snyder[/font]


So just as President Obama declared Flint a federal disaster area, it seems that it's not making anything better and in fact it's getting worse. In case you forgot just how bad things are in Flint, let me show you another picture of their water and remind you that the Michigan Department Of Environmental Quality (DEQ) – declared this shit safe to drink.



And it appears that this did not just occur overnight, this might have happened as far back as 2012:



So it's not just Rick Snyder – his whole administration might be under indictment for this. It's almost as if he channeled Homer Simpson and had the drinking bird push the “yes” button for every decision he made since he took the job (and if you remember that episode – it almost ended with the Springfield Nuclear Plant exploding thanks to Homer's carelessness).


And then taking this to a whole new level of evil, it seems that Flint is so broke, that it's forcing their residents to pay for their poisonous water – or get this – household owners will be considered in danger of child endangerment and they will literally take your kids away. This is a whole new level of evil.



This just... ah!!! This is an entirely new level of shit! And yes that does involve Flint's water – which really does look like shit! This is why we can't have nice things people!!!




[font size="8"]Ammon Bundy[/font]


Well finally! Our long national nightmare is over...? There was a shootout and LaVoy Finicum, aka Tarp Man, died in a shootout, but the good news is that the feds have locked up Ammon Bundy !! Celebrate good times come on!!

But oh no its' far from over, folks. In fact its' far from over. They've got everything including supporters who, like Jake and Elwood Blues, are also on a mission from God:



No... no, God doesn't want you there. And you're not the Blues Brothers either – you're on a mission from your gun, not god. Get it right.



And this is where they're spawning copycats:



Yes – we are witnessing Ranchers Gone Wild! And you too can own the video for the low low price of... a quick Google search! But it's not all doom and gloom for the Malheur madness, in fact they're fighting back Braveheart style!



Yikes. Did I mention this guy is running for president? Yeah that guy will never win, but he might secure a cabinet position in Donald Trump's cabinet. And let’s not forget to mention the Kansas mom who took her singing sons to Oregon to entertain the madmen militia. But let's pay one last tribute to Tarp Man who has provided us with a lot of material the last few weeks:





[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]




Ahhhhhh!!!! OK here's your dollar! Don't scare us like that, please! Before we get started though, I also have to point out the latest cover of German political magazine Der Spiegel, which literally had Trump's pants on fire:



But damn, where do we begin this week? We could talk about how Donald Trump is blowing off the next planned Fox debate and hosting his own event (can he debate himself?). or we could talk about the obvious. Well the obvious would be to start with Der Trumpenfuror declaring himself bigger than Jesus – yes – while at a rally, he stated that he could shoot a man on New York's 5th Avenue and get away with it. I've been to 5th Avenue lots of times. He's not joking about that. But I can definitely joke about it because this happened:



Can’t believe he went there, though if you consider exactly how much traffic there is on 5th Avenue in Manhattan, he actually probably could (not that I’m advocating that sort of thing just so we’re clear). But Donald Trump is very actively doing his best to completely annihilate the conservative party. Just this week, he was denounced by the National Review, who had fired on all cylinders by inviting every single prominent conservative writer to explain just how toxic Der Trumpenfuror is going to be for the party should he actually take the nomination at the RNC:



Yeah. And how about the fact that Der Trumpenfuror is getting a shocking endorsement from the only guy in America who’s a bigger racist than he is:



But let’s not forget that Der Trumpenfuror is making good on his promise to end religious freedom in America and give Christianity unchecked power:



But for fun and to end this entry on a high note without getting too much Trump for this edition, let’s take a look at how Der Trumpenfuror got owned on Twitter by Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling:



In this case, the death eaters are Trump supporters, or would they be called “stupid losers”?



[font size="8"]Racist Idiots[/font]


Last time we did a mega entry, was way back in Idiots #9 when we discussed a lot of religious stupidity that happened over the holidays. Well get ready because we’re on the eve of Black History Month 2016. Who has two thumbs and knows that racism is not dead in America? This guy! Well first let’s go to Phoenix, Arizona where a group of high school students who are clearly not university material (well, they might be Liberty University material ), spelled out the “N” word for a yearbook photo, and as you can imagine, the outrage machine has been cranked up way past 11 here:



The gold color really makes their hatred and ignorance stand out in a crowd, doesn’t it? Next, we’re going across the country to where else but Florida? This time, while the state had been planning the harshest abortion bans in the country since Roe V Wade, and got struck down by SCOTUS quickly, a state senator has some absolutely wonderful things to say about America’s single mothers:



Yes because we “kill the babies” that means that white people are all going to eventually die off. Does this guy even know how this sort of thing works?

And in case this doesn’t get too racist, here’s some transphobia courtesy of Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson:





Boy Cartman is really excited about that prospect, isn’t he?


[font size="8"]The Wounded Warrior Project[/font]


So one thing everyone in this country can agree on – liberal or conservative, Rams or Raiders, Bud Light vs. Miller Light, is that the people who are willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good of this country and come home from combat with a missing limb or other health problems are the greatest Americans in the country, is that not correct? If you don’t agree with that, you should definitely get the hell out. Well, you may have noticed this charity called the “Wounded Warrior Project” advertising during your favorite sporting event of choice. Here’s one of their commercials:



Pretty freaking depressing, am I not right? Well after this you won’t cry after seeing those ads anymore. Instead, your blood is probably going to boil. Because as you may know, the WWP has not been, well, truthful about the money that has been coming into the organization and what they’ve been spending it on. The New York Times explains:



Kind of makes me wish I had access to the resources and equipment John Oliver has because I would love to make a commercial mocking these asshats. But in case you were wondering, after a $225 million surplus in 2014, the charity spent less than what the IRS requires charities to spend on their cause, and a whopping $130 million on itself which included things like:



So the next time you give money to a charity like that, you might want to take a look at who really runs it because these fucking douchebags should be dragged on their ass the same way Martin Shkreli was.


[font size="8"]Martin Shkreli [/font]


Speaking of Martin Shkreli, former billionaire pharmaceutical CEO and current cover model for orange jumpsuits everywhere, Pharma-Douche is back in the news for being, well, Pharma-Douche. So now he's taking the Marshawn Lynch defense of “I'm just doing this so I dont get fined.”. Well no shit! Of course you take the fifth when you're being indicted by the federal government for fraud. But screwing over people who can't afford the basic medication they need to survive is one of the lowest lows ever, and you can't pull the Marshawn Lynch defense over this. Sorry, well, it should not work that way!



Wow. Colossal dick move there, Shkreli. You don't fuck with the Wu Tang Clan, and you know what they did to you last time. Oh wait – here's where he's threatening to destroy the only existing copy of the Wu's one-off pressing of “Once Upon A Time In Shaolin”.



Yes it is really easy to hate this guy, because he makes himself hateable. He's like mega billionaire Saudi Prince Alaweed bin Talal, only without charisma, or the Saudi Royal Family, he's just a douchebag who's charging an insane amount of money for an every day medication. But you know what? He won't be a customer of Wu Tang Financial any time soon, and if it is true that there's a clause in their contract of sale that says that the Wu can pull off a heist and steal the album back (See Idiots #4 ), now is the time to do it! You can own this douche and you would be enshrined in the internet hall of fame! Wu Tang Clan ain't nuthin to fuck with! Wu Tang Clan aint' nuthin to fuck with! Wu Tang Clan aint nuthin to fuck with!


[font size="8"]Glenn Beck[/font]



Ultra conservatives are extremely paranoid at the thought of American society collapsing into the abyss. Ted Cruz is certainly an offender. In fact I was originally going to make this entry about Cruz, but this is too damn good to leave off. So Glenn Beck… we can all agree is one of the most batshit crazy conspiracy theorists on the planet right? I mean his comparisons of the US to Nazi Germany actually aren’t too far off if Donald Trump were to ever assume the presidency. But Glenn takes what Alex Jones says and adds a dash of batshit crazy insanity to the mix. Any parent on this board has probably read to their kids at some point right? Well… Glenn Beck is reading this to his kids.





Yes, he is preparing his wife and kids by reading to them the charming tale of fire, death, destruction, and rule by Satan known as “Left Behind”. My parents read me “Green Eggs and Ham”. Wow. But then he ups the ante by announcing that he’s going to be moving operations to Isreal once American society collapses. OK… this raises a lot of questions like mainly why? That’s the biggest one. Is it possible we can send him on a permanent vacation there or revoke his broadcasting license? I just hope he doesn’t have movie time planned for after he reads his kids “Left Behind”.


That movie by the way earned Nicholas Cage a Razzie Award last year.


[font size="8"]Tom Tillis[/font]


So with the latest outbreak of a killer virus that is rapidly spreading called the Zika virus, I think a certain senator from North Carolina needs some first grade reeducation. So Tom Tillis (R-Idiot), believes that restaurants should be able to opt out of health codes that require employees wash hands after restroom usage. Now stop and think about what Tom wants to do, and reread the first sentence of this paragraph multiple times. Scary shit isn't it? Well this isn't the Onion, this is real.



No Tom, this is not “regulatory burden”. This is some certified, grade A, Ayn Rand, anti government bullshit. Let me reeducate you here. See we have these things called “diseases”., and in recent years science has made some advances to eradicate these diseases. We also have these things called “health codes” and “vaccines” that are designed to prevent the spread of deadly diseases. We have seen what happens when you take away vaccines, but what happens when you take away health codes? You will get the spread of bodily fluids on your food, which in turn will create some newer and scarier diseases. You don't want that do you? I hope he doesn't visit any restaurants any time soon. I can guarantee in the world that Mr. Tillis envisions, if I see a sign that says “We don't require employees to wash hands”, I don't frequent that establishment. Get how that works?


[font size="8"]Kenneth Simmons[/font]


Sigh... if Jesus ever were to come back and see some of the atrocities being committed in his name – and a lot of them mentioned throughout this edition, he'd turn around and come back almost immediately. Let's go to North Carolina for this one and introduce you to Pastor Kenneth Simmons. While this story doesn't make it clear that it was him or his flock, he's guilty of this either way. Jesus needs to smite this guy, because this is a cartoonish, almost Mr. Burns level of evil here:





It takes some serious balls to leave that as a tip, and I hope that if those patrons never frequent that restaurant ever again, or they might go full Slammin' Salmon on them, which would be a well deserved punishment.



But instead the manager of the restaurant which was not named left a much classier response for the church trolls than I would have:



Boom. Drop the mic.


[font size="8"]Good Guys With Guns[/font]


So there's three things that should never, ever mix - alcohol, weapons, and Michael Bay movies. Add some incredibly low inhibition brought on by the movie and you've got a toxic storm brewing for the next entry in... (cue reverb) GOOD GUYS WITH GUNS!!! Yes these wannabe heroes are just placating into the NRA's mantra that "good guys with guns" can take out bad guys with guns in just about every situation. Well this next entry has me absolutely speechless. For this insane story, we're going to Renton, Washington. There, a guy tried to take a weapon into Michael Bay's factually incorrect Benghazi flick "13 Hours".



I seriously hope that I'm not the only one who is understanding the irony of this situation here. Look I can understand the thought of being terrified at the prospect of a mass shooting, and in this day and age who isn't terrified of that prospect? I know I am. But... that said, if you're terrified of shootings why would you bring a gun? You know you're not going to be the hero in this situation. No, you're more going to be more like George Costanza at the children's birthday party when the oven caught fire:



I hope that no one is ever in an active shooter situation, but if you are, you're going to be more like George Costanza, and less like the hero the NRA wants you to be. You will be the guy knocking down clowns in this situation. But there's more and it gets weirder:



The gun was empty when Gallion brought it into the theater. It was fucking empty. I will repeat that - the gun was fucking empty!! That means that he loaded the gun during the movie!!! He purposefully loaded a gun and shot someone with it during the movie!! You can't be terrified of mass shootings if you're the guy committing the shooting!!



Hey don't go blaming the pizza and beer on this. If there's the two greatest inventions of all time, it's pizza and beer. I've eaten a lot of pizza and drank a lot of beer in my life. Hell I could do 3 tall boys standing on my head and still be sober. But a single tall boy and he feels the need to shoot someone? Either this guy is the worst drunk on the planet or the most paranoid gun nut on the planet. I've never, ever had the need to load a gun and shoot someone with it while watching Michael Bay movies! And that doesn't count the time I drank a whole six pack , playing with an air gun while I was watching Transformers. Just... ah!!!! NRA, you fucking own this. This is the face of the good guy with a gun that you created!!! Yes you, Wayne LaPierre, I'm talking to you! This is the kind of shit we have to live with on a daily basis. And you wonder why we can't have nice things!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8"]This Picture Of A Potato Is Worth More Than You[/font]

And it unintentionally makes the best case for a Bernie Sanders Presidency. Think about it.



Yup, that thing is worth almost $1.7 MILLION DOLLARS. This is why the rich need to be taxed people! Because when you have more money than brains, you tend to spend it very foolishly.

See you next week!

Ed. Note: Next week's Top 10 will be a Super Tuesday special edition. Stay tuned!