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Mon Feb 15, 2016, 01:42 PM

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15: Funk You Very Much Edition


Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15: Funk You Very Much Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! So... Antonin Scalia died. And while that happened on Saturday while this was being put together, it's going to take a while to sort through all the madness to put together a proper Idiots style tribute to the late conservative Emperor. But we won't let that ruin our fun for last week, will it? No that will be next week! So back to the edition that I had originally planned: Now that the first leg of the long, long, long, long election cycle has begun. We saw the Iowa caucuses and all the election insanity surrounding it. But… that doesn’t mean because we are in New Hampshire that we’re out of the conservative idiots wood work just yet folks. Last week you know that Bernie Sanders visited Saturday Night Live when Larry David was the host. Last week we closed out last week’s edition by playing the amazing “Bern Your Enthusiasm” bit from Saturday Night Live, which might be the best thing they’ve ever done. But there was another sketch there that had the great one – Sen. Sanders himself – appearing in a sketch alongside Larry David that was amazing:



So where do we begin this week? Do we start with trashing the Oscars or do we go into the post-Super Bowl insanity surrounding Beyonce’s appearance at the halftime show? Or do we talk about what republicans were doing behind closed doors when everyone else is focusing on the election? Or do we talk about the Michigan government outlawing sodomy? I know! Let’s talk about all of the above! But who was the big winner or loser this week? Well, you got to go with Ted Nugent (1) for this one as he’s firing on all fours unleashing a brand of good old fashioned, dare I say Nazi-esque, brand of anti Semitism. And he has gone off the deep end, folks, like padded walls deep end. At number 2 is another fascist, and that’s Der Trumpenfuror (2), who might be gaining in the polls, but his son is proving to be just as bat shit crazy as he is. Not to mention he's the subject of an incredible super star filled movie made by Will Ferrell's internet production company Funny Or Die. Coming in at number 3 is former New York Mayor Rudy Guiliani (3), who is in the news for trashing Beyonce’s appearance at the Super Bowl for being anti-police, but what was actually in her new song? At number 4, while everyone is paying attention to the polls in New Hampshire, GOP state legislatures (4) are busy quietly passing some unbelievable anti-sodomy laws. At number 5, there’s plenty of cringe-worthy primary madness to talk about (5) which includes Carly Fiorina getting owned by Planned Parenthood, Jeb Bush getting kicked out of a Rotary Club meeting, and Marco Rubio talking about hard stuff. Next, we’re going to play a game of (cue reverb) “you be the judge”. Former Denver Bronco Bill Romanowski (6) is trash talking Cam Newton after the Panthers’ disastrous Super Bowl appearance, but it seems the outrage machine is making some noise and we’ll let you decide if he really is racist or not. At number seven, Ted Cruz (7) has a porn star ad fail and his wife is claiming that he’s on a mission from God. At number 8, John McCain (8) is trashing GOP candidates for using faulty rhetoric, but let’s take a look at some good old fashioned GOP hypocrisy, because history is lost on the GOP. Taking the number 9 seed, is former Pantera frontman Phil Anselmo – who is unleashing an extremely potent dose of some good old fashioned white supremacy. And finally this week, to lighten the mood after a nearly all racist, homophobic, and anti-semitic edition, I’m going to introduce a new feature to the Top 10 – Astonishing Adventures of Florida Man (10). And this week we’ve really got a whopper of a tale from Florida – it appears that a guy threw an alligator through the window of a Wendy’s drive through and is charged with assault with a deadly weapon. This story ranks about a 9.5 out of 10 on my WTF-o-meter. And we're going to close out this list with a bonus idiot for you – Martin Shkreli has a thing for overpriced hip hop. First the Wu, now he has his sights set on Kanye West. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!


[font size="8"]Ted Nugent[/font]


The republican argument on gun control is a lot like a bad thriller movie. You know it’s going to suck going in, and there’s a lot of plot holes and bad arguments and dialogue to get to the payoff. But you sit through it knowing it sucks because you want to get to the twist at the end of the argument. Because after all that’s how they keep you hooked and coming back for more. It’s like a bad Jerry Bruckheimer produced movie directed by M. Night Shymalan. And no matter how many times you have the formula figured out, there’s people who are willing to take it to new and terrifying extremes. Look at Ted “Pants Crap Fever” Nugent. Just like Donald Trump went Full Hitler, Ted Nugent is heading down that path, possibly vying for a VP position with Der Trumpenfuror. But here’s where Ted has gone full Hitler:

Ted Nugent Goes Full-On Jew Hater in Facebook Rant. Nugent posted a photo of prominent Jewish Americans to Facebook with the caption, “So who is really behind gun control?” and put an Israeli flag next to each of their faces

There is and has always been an undercurrent of anti-Semitism in conservative ranks. It rears its ugly head from time to time, such as when Ann Coulter claims Jews are “unperfected” Christians who are therefore oh so close to being actual human beings.

Nothing so “subtle” for Ted Nugent, who recently called Obama a Racist Child-Killing Freak. This time the admitted sexual predator and ex-rocker went to Facebook to publicly air his anti-Semitism, posting a photo with the caption, “So who is really behind gun control?”

The problem is that all those pictured are Jewish, like the late Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-N.J.), Senators Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), Barbara Boxer (D-CA), former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, and attorney and pundit Alan Dershowitz, to name just a few.

Just to reinforce that point, Nugent got his Julius Streicher on and put an Israeli flag next to each of their faces:

<snip>
http://www.politicususa.com/2016/02/09/ted-nugent-goes-full-on-jew-hater-rant.html




And of course the NRA is in full “move along, nothing to see here” mode:
NRA Dodges Accountability: "Individual Board Members Do Not Speak For The NRA." After declining to comment to several news outlets, the NRA told The Washington Post on February 10 that "individual board members do not speak for the NRA."

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-nation/wp/2016/02/10/gun-rights-advocates-urge-nra-to-remove-ted-nugent-from-board-over-anti-semitic-outburst/?tid=sm_tw


First off Ted – a word of advice – when you’re in a hole, stop digging!!!

In the ensuing controversy, Nugent has been condemned by diverse voices including civil rights groups, Jewish organizations, and both gun safety groups and pro-gun organizations and writers. Several organizations called on the NRA to remove Nugent from its board of directors. (Nugent was praised by white nationalists, and his support for Ted Cruz is still displayed prominently on the GOP contender's website.)

In a February 11 interview with an unnamed questioner, available only on his Facebook page, Nugent suggested that his critics are "mentally challenged" and said, "To attack me one would have to not only play devil's advocate, one would actually be the devil's advocate or more probably the devil itself." To deny charges of anti-Semitism, Nugent stated, "I admire and love my good Jewish friends even more than usual because of their valiant dedication to 'Never Again!'"

http://mediamatters.org/blog/2016/02/12/amid-anti-semitism-controversy-nras-nugent-atta/208561


But it gets better – he’s actively attempting to justify it by calling himself a “black man” and a “war hero”. Even Robert Downey Jr.’s Kirk Lazarus character from the 2008 flick Tropic Thunder is wondering what the hell Ted Nugent is smoking. Hell, I want some of whatever he’s smoking, because it must be some pretty strong shit:

Ted Nugent has had quite a start to 2016, posting anti-Semitic messages on his Facebook page and ludicrously declaring that he is a war hero, all of which came just weeks after he called for President Obama and Hillary Clinton to be killed.
Nugent, a board member of the NRA, kept it up with a bizarre column for WorldNetDaily yesterday in which he said that he is a “Motown black man” who is intent on freeing other black people from their “modern slave masters known as the Democratic Party.”
As a large, in charge, Motown black man my bad-self, who honed my Sonic Baptizm, soul-cleansing soulmusic on the greasy rhythm and blues of the musical funk and roll gods James Brown and Chuck Berry et al., and who learned and then perfected the fine art of American defiance from my hero Rosa Parks, I continue to celebrate nonstop all things good and black.

My motto has always been: Black is beautiful. Minimal exposure to my killer Detroit guitar playing would immediately reveal why I was voted the No. 1 Guitarist Alltime in Michigan a few years back. No cracker can play like that!

If you don’t like it, well funk you very much.

- See more at: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/ted-nugent-declares-he-motown-blac-man-who-will-free-democratic-slaves#sthash.j75lxPGH.dxcz6kHG.dpuf






He didn’t just say “funk you very much” did he? There’s only one person in the entire world who gets to say that phrase in a proper context, and that is Bootsy Collins. And big difference between Bootsy Colllins and Ted Nugent – Bootsy rules, Nugent doesn’t. Not by a long shot. Allow me to channel Kirk Lazarus for a minute: “Don’t go full Hitler, kid. Never, ever go full Hitler.”. In fact to get the stink of Nugent out of the room, let’s play some Bootsy:






[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]


One of the stranger things that happened in New Hampshire this week is that Vermin Supreme finished fourth in the primaries. This is just how fucked up our political system is. People would actually be willing to vote for a guy who wears a boot on his head and is running on a platform to give America free ponies. This guy:



So how does this factor into this week’s news about Der Trumpenfuror? Well for one thing they’re both crazy candidates running on platforms promising Americans a lot of nonsense and are gaining huge numbers in the polls. Then Der Trumpenfuror’s son is proving that he’s just as batshit crazy as his dad is:

Donald Trump’s son, Eric Trump, appeared on Fox’s On the Record Monday night to explain that waterboarding not only wasn’t torture — it was basically tantamount to frat house shenanigans.
Greta Van Susteren asked Eric Trump to elaborate on his father’s assertion that he would do worse than waterboarding. He explained:
You see these terrorists that are flying planes into buildings, right? You see our cities getting shot up in California. You see Paris getting shot up. And then somebody complains when a terrorist gets waterboarded, which quite frankly is no different than what happens on college campuses and frat houses every day. And, you know, the man would keep this country safe. There is no question about it.
http://www.mediaite.com/tv/trumps-son-says-waterboarding-no-different-than-what-happens-in-frat-houses-every-day/


Oh yeah waterboarding is just a harmless frat prank. Move along, nothing to see here. Oh yeah and it’s the kind of thing that gets fraternities kicked off campus. By the way, a Google search for “frats kicked off campus” yields about 2,000,000 results. So colleges aren’t taking this sort of thing sitting down. But the best thing this week about Der Trumpenfuror? Well leave it to Funny Or Die to create a long lost 1980’s TV movie starring Der Trumpenfuror, and based on his book “The Art Of The Deal”:

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/11/movies/trump-movie-funny-or-die-johnny-depp.html?smid=tw-nytimes&smtyp=cur&_r=0

LOS ANGELES — Johnny Depp has played a loopy pirate, a mad hatter and a demon barber. But will he be a convincing Donald J. Trump?

The humor website Funny or Die on Wednesday began streaming a 50-minute comedy that finds Mr. Depp portraying the businessman turned politician, full-blown comb-over and all. Kept a secret for months — no small task in Hollywood — “Funny or Die Presents Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal: The Movie” was released to coincide with Mr. Trump’s victory on Tuesday in the New Hampshire Republican presidential primary.

“It was a crazy, completely nuts idea that somehow we pulled off,” said Adam McKay, a co-founder of Funny or Die, which also counts Will Ferrell and Judd Apatow as principal partners and produces exclusive material that often features well-known stars. Mr. McKay, the director of “The Big Short,” which is a contender for best picture at the coming Academy Awards, added that the site’s newest skewering of Mr. Trump will “with any luck” annoy the presidential hopeful.

“The Art of the Deal,” which takes its title from Mr. Trump’s 1987 best-selling business advice book, may establish a new Hollywood genre: the fake television movie of the week. As a narrator (the director Ron Howard, playing himself) tells viewers at its start, the movie was made in the 1980s and had Mr. Trump as its writer-producer-director-star. But a football game went into overtime, and so an angry Mr. Trump ordered the prime-time special pulled and forever tucked away in a vault.


If you haven’t seen it yet, you owe it to yourself to watch it. This is why Johnny Depp is one of the greatest actors of our generation – just like playing Whitey Bulger in Black Mass, Depp is almost unrecognizable as Der Trumpenfuror. You’d almost think you were watching the real thing. And I love that they made Robert Durst a business partner.


[font size="8"]Rudy Guiliani[/font]


So while Coldplay was the main attraction at the Super Bowl halftime show this year, Beyonce stole the show – and nearly all the critics agreed. But the racists and sexists out there slammed her performance. There were even reports of it being “too sexual” for a “family friendly program” (those people are Mike Huckabee’s target audience ). But the racists have been out in full force since the show, and can’t seem to shake one particular aspect of Beyonce’s performance:

The anti-Beyhive is planning to protest the "Drunk in Love" singer outside of the NFL Headquarters in Manhattan on Feb. 16, the same day tickets for her “Formation” world tour goes on sale.

The “Run the World” artist faced criticism from politicians including former Mayor Rudy Giuliani and Rep. Peter King (R-Long Island) for being “anti-police" following her halftime performance at Sunday's Super Bowl.

“Are you offended as an American that Beyonce pulled her race-baiting stunt at the Superbowl?” the event description said. “Do you agree that it was a slap in the face to law enforcement?”

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/protesters-planning-anti-beyonce-rally-nfl-hq-article-1.2525945?cid=msn


On the same day that a world wide tour goes on sale? You know that you’re going to be outnumbered here, right, race baiters? In the words of one of the funniest movies made in the last ten years – Idiocracy, “Go away, baitin’!”. :lol:

But no one does the baitin’ better than former New York mayor Rudy Guiliani, as he did on the show that I love to make fun of the most, Fox & Friends:
KILMEADE: Mr. Mayor, I also look at the NFL. What do they do? They took control of the halftime because they didn't like what MTV was doing after Janet Jackson got her, her --
DOOCY: Wardrobe malfunction.
KOOIMAN: Wardrobe malfunction.
KILMEADE: After that happened. So didn't they go and review this and say wait a second, why are you -
GIULIANI: Can't you figure out who you're putting on? I mean this is a political position, she's probably going to take advantage of it. You're talking to middle America when you have the Super Bowl, so you can have entertainment. Let's have, you know, decent wholesome entertainment, and not use it as a platform to attack the people who, you know, put their lives at risk to save us.
http://mediamatters.org/video/2016/02/08/fox-amp-friends-slam-beyonceacutes-super-bowl-p/208427

Really? Beyonce used her Super Bowl appearance as a platform to attack police? Funny I watched that same show and I don’t remember that happening. I was too busy being distracted by the lights and colors of the halftime show. I’ve even read the lyrics to the new song that she debuted, I don’t find the words “attack police” anywhere in it:

When he fuck me good I take his ass to Red Lobster, cause I slay
If he hit it right, I might take him on a flight on my chopper, cause I slay
Drop him off at the mall, let him buy some J’s, let him shop up, cause I slay

I want some of whatever these guys are smoking, that’s all.


[font size="8"]GOP State Legislatures[/font]


So we can all admit that this was a pretty cool image from the Super Bowl halftime show, right?



“Believe in love” – because that’s what everybody should be doing. Well not if you saw Twitter after the game on Sunday. Nope. You would see such angry, hateful comments as “All the halftime show did was promote homosexuality”. And “Basically a homo pride celebration during halftime… and that’s one reason why our country has gone down”, or my favorite angry 13 year old tweet – “That was the GAYEST halftime show I’ve ever seen like straight up homo” Uh….. what? Homosexuality is served straight up with no chaser? I didn’t know it was a drink! Well, as you may know Uganda and Russia have been under international scrutiny for enacting some of the toughest anti-LGBT laws not seen anywhere else in the world. Well, if laws passed in South Dakota and Michigan are any indication, the US might join them. Yay! Three countries all run by right wing religious extremists telling people who can and can’t get laid! What great examples of humanity!
The South Dakota House of Representatives advanced a measure on a 46-10 vote Monday that would allow people or organizations to discriminate against same-sex couples, unmarried pregnant women or transgender people without jeopardizing state contracts or employment.
The bill's sponsor Rep. Scott Craig, R-Rapid City, said the proposal is about protecting freedom of speech for those with conservative views, but opponents warned the legislation, if approved, would endorse discrimination and could put the state in violation of federal law.
http://www.argusleader.com/story/news/politics/2016/02/08/house-advances-bill-aimed-protecting-conservative-views-sex-marriage/79998670/


And Michigan:

Michigan is one of more than a dozen states that still have sodomy bans on the books, despite the U.S. Supreme Court's 2003 ruling in Lawrence v. Texas declaring them unconstitutional.
Some states' sodomy laws specifically target gay relations, but Michigan's is among those that make oral and anal sex crimes illegal regardless of whether they're same-sex or different-sex. Michigan is also one of several states with a sodomy ban that's intertwined with a prohibition on bestiality – effectively equating the two. The law makes it a felony for anyone to commit "the abominable and detestable crime against nature with mankind or with any animal." If the person is already a sex offender, violations are punishable by life in prison.
http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/johnwright/michigan_senate_passes_bill_saying_sodomy_is_a_felony


Yes this would be a felony punishable by life in fucking prison. Because that’s exactly what both Uganda and Russia are doing and it sets an incredibly dangerous precedent that’s got them in serious trouble with human rights activists. Do we really want the US to go down that path? Hell no!! The mere fact that the laws are on the books in not one, but two states is a slap in the face to freedom.


[font size="8"]Cringe Worthy Primary Madness[/font]


So in what has to be one of the most cringe worthy moments of the entire primary cycle, Jeb! got kicked out of a New Hampshire Rotary Club meeting:



And in an even more cringe worthy moment, on the subject of republicans and creepy, implied sexual innuendo, Marco Rubio had this to say while eating a Twix bar:



“I just bit into a Twix bar and I go, ‘Man this Twix bar’s got something really hard in it,’” Rubio said of the incident, according to The Wall Street Journal. “And I go, ‘Oh my gosh, I cracked my tooth.’”

http://thehill.com/blogs/in-the-know/in-the-know/269147-rubio-cracks-tooth-on-candy-bar




But what has to be the best thing is now that we’re finally out of New Hampshire and heading out toward Super Tuesday, we can expect a lot of conservative idiocy. Thankfully, we won’t have Mike Huckabee, Chris Christie, or Carly Fiorina to deal with anymore. And Planned Parenthood had some lovely parting words for Carly:

If you have not heard, lying, “baby parts”-obsessed windbag Carly Fiorina has dropped out of the presidential race. This is, of course, completely unsurprising given her poll numbers, which have traditionally been firmly in the gutter ever since it became common knowledge that the felons who created her favorite propaganda videos had heavily and deceptively edited them.
On Wednesday, Fiorina joined fellow (former) 2016 hopeful Chris Christie in dropping out of the race.
“While I suspend my candidacy today, I will continue to travel this country and fight for those Americans who refuse to settle for the way things are and a status quo that no longer works for them,” Fiorina said as she pretended she has accomplished anything more than helping convince a right-wing terrorist to shoot up a Planned Parenthood facility in Colorado.
As part of her outgoing message to “girls and women across the country,” Fiorina made it clear that females should not feel they have “to vote a certain way or for a certain candidate because you’re a woman” (*cough*HillaryClinton*cough*).
http://www.addictinginfo.org/2016/02/10/planned-parenthood-tells-carly-fiorina-to-go-fck-herself-on-the-way-out-the-door-tweets/


Where’s Nelson when you need him? Oh here he is:




[font size="8"]Bill Romanowski[/font]


Allow me to play devil’s advocate for a minute. We’re going to play a game called “You be the judge”. Notice that I didn’t use the “racism” icon because we’re going to talk about the internet outrage machine. It’s getting ridiculous folks. So after the Super Bowl, former Denver Bronco and current anti violence poster boy Bill Romanowski posted this on Twitter:



Sure, Cam Newton threw that famous temper tantrum at the Super Bowl which caught world wide attention. But Eli Manning was just as big of a dick if not worse than Newton. Well here’s where the whole thing might have been misconstrued and taken out of context like the internet outrage machine tends to do all the time:

Former NFL standout Bill Romanowski is a racist.
Last night, after Cam Newton, who broke records for being sacked in the Super Bowl, saw his dreams of winning the game dashed. After it was over, as expected, he was utterly dejected.
This is normal, but black men are not often given the space to be emotional or expressive without being subjected to white anger.
Romanowski, a former Denver Bronco with a bad reputation, could not wait to chime in. In a now deleted tweet, he said “You’ll never last in the NFL with that attitude. The world doesn’t revolve around you, boy! #CamNewton”
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/king-bill-romanowski-calling-cam-newton-boy-racist-article-1.2523980


But no! He’s not racist! He told TMZ that he claims that he loved the show “Good Times”!

Ex-NFL star Bill Romanowski says he honestly had no idea the term "boy" could be used as a racial slur -- and says he apologizes to Cam Newton from the bottom of his heart. Romanowski joined the guys on the "TMZ Sports" show (airing Monday at 9 PM PT on FS1) -- and we asked him straight up about the tweet that many people condemned as racist.
The tweet in question -- Bill had tweeted to Cam Newton, "The world doesn't revolve around you, boy!"
Bill says he takes full responsibility for using the word -- and addresses Chad Johnson who had tweeted -- "Boy? You never watched Good Times Bill?"
Read more: http://www.tmz.com/2016/02/08/bill-romanowski-cam-newtonim-not-racist-tmz-sports/#ixzz3zsqnMKHF

See, this is where I think the internet outrage machine takes things way too far. As is often the case with Mr. Romanowski. Sure, he has a history of being a complete dick to people, and has a well known history of violence, but no, let’s call him out for using the word “boy” in the wrong context. But here’s where Mr. Romanowski might be considered a racist – he threatened Cam Newton:

Romanowski was asked whom he'd rather hit, Newton or Peyton Manning, and how it would go down. Here was his response on the Carolina Panthers quarterback:
"Cam Newton. Are you kidding me? I'd hit him as hard as I possibly could, and probably at the bottom of the pile I'd try to get him by the neck and choke him. Hopefully he can't breathe for a long time."
http://www.foxsports.com/nfl/story/super-bowl-50-carolina-panthers-cam-newton-bill-romanowski-choke-020416


OK now I’m starting to think that Tweet might actually be racist. But… you be the judge!


[font size="8"]Ted Cruz[/font]


In what has to be one of the most cringe worthy moments of the primaries so far, let’s talk about Ted Cruz, the current winner in the primaries. First off, his new ad airing in New Hampshire features the star of a movie called “Kinky Sex Club” and “Sex Spa II: Body Work” (did he see Sex Spa I?):


Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz's campaign pulled an ad after it was revealed one of the actresses in it has been in adult movies.

Buzzfeed was the first to report the campaign had pulled the ad, titled "Conservatives Anonymous," from its website after it learned actress Amy Lindsay has been in films with names such as "Confessions of a Lap Dancer," "Kinky Sex Club," and "The Sex Spa II: Body Work."

http://www.al.com/news/index.ssf/2016/02/ted_cruz_pulls_ad_after_learni.html


And if you guessed he pulled it – you are correct!



And further, Ted Cruz loves to play the Jesus card doesn’t he? I mean he goes so far out of his way to prove that he’s the more godly candidate than the next, that Ted Cruz and his wife both are resorting to saying stupid shit like this:

http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/heidi-cruz-ted-running-show-country-face-god-we-serve
Sen. Ted Cruz’s wife Heidi, who has been campaigning for her husband full-time over the past several months, explained the role of faith in the Texas Republican’s presidential campaign yesterday, telling a South Carolina radio host that Cruz is running to “show this country the face of the God that we serve.”

Cruz’s father Rafael made a similar statement last month when he said that Ted, whom he has implied was chosen by God for the White House, was running for president to “share the love of Jesus Christ” with “every person in America.”

Heidi Cruz told South Carolina radio host Vince Coakley yesterday that even if she were not married to Ted, she’d be trying to work on his campaign because “this country is in crisis and this individual has an incredible talent to bring us out of this crisis.”


So Ted, are you and Heidi now channeling Elwood and Jake? Are you on a mission from God?




[font size="8"]John McCain[/font]


So torture… we can all agree is horrible, right? And who is the worst person in the world to ask about it? The one guy who was actually tortured in real life when he spent 3 years in a POW camp while serving Vietnam. Even after all these years, you think John McCain would be the one who’d be actively campaigning against torture, am I not correct about that? Well here, he unleashes the hypocrisy you’d come to expect from former Bush officials, especially the one guy who wanted to “bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran”.
On the day of the New Hampshire primary, Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., sharply criticizes current Republican presidential candidates for their positions favoring waterboarding. (Photo: AP/Manuel Balce Ceneta)
Former GOP presidential nominee and prisoner of war John McCain wants Republicans seeking the White House to stop speaking so casually in favor of waterboarding, a form of torture which was used to interrogate prisoners in the wake of the 9/11 terrorist attacks and was found to be in violation of international human rights standards.
The issues of torture and waterboarding have been a surprise focus heading into Tuesday’s first-in-the-nation New Hampshire primary. On Monday night, Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump “had a lot of fun” repeating a vulgar word used by a supporter to describe opponent Ted Cruz because the Texas senator hedged on a waterboarding question in Saturday night’s debate. Cruz said of waterboarding that he would not “bring it back in any sort of widespread use.” While Cruz left the door open to the maligned practice in some cases, Trump has supported its return unequivocally.
https://www.yahoo.com/politics/mccain-blasts-republicans-for-loose-talk-on-185546253.html

So between John McCain and Eric Trump let’s look the other way on torture because it’s just a harmless frat boy prank, am I not right about that? Well let’s revisit some history from his former vice presidential candidate and current “Hunter Barbie” figure Sarah Palin:
Sarah Palin said in a speech over the weekend that the controversial practice of waterboarding should be known as "how we baptize terrorists."
In a speech to the National Rifle Association on Saturday night, Palin said she would reinstitute the practice, which President Obama has labeled a form of torture. Those undergoing waterboarding have water poured over a cloth covering their face to simulate the feeling of drowning.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2014/04/28/palin-waterboarding-is-how-we-baptize-terrorists/


Yeah we’re just baptizing the terrorists by cutting off their air supply and pouring freezing cold water on them. To quote Stephen Colbert – “This just in – Jesus has quit!”.




[font size="8"]Phil Anselmo[/font]


I’ve said before in previous editions that I love the metal, and just about all kinds of rock music. And it saddens me that I have to include this entry in my list this week. Talk about spoiling a party and ruining what was otherwise a nice tribute. So Dimebag Darrell was an awesome dude and a great frontman for one of the best heavy metal bands of the late 80’s, early 90’s. And we can all agree that him getting gunned down on stage by a crazed lunatic just playing a gig is one of the saddest tragedies in music, am I not right about that? Well every year since his tragedy, mourners gather in Los Angeles to pay tribute to the late Dimebag. This year’s bash was attended by another one of the all time greats in rock music – and that’s Dave Grohl. Here’s a clip of Dave performing a very moving tribute to Dimebag covering Pink Floyd’s classic “Wish You Were Here”:



And here’s where things went south. Dimebag’s Pantera costar Phil Anselmo got caught with his racist pants down. Video of this is available on Youtube, and I won’t link to it out of the interest of keeping this NSFW friendly.

Metal musicians have condemned Pantera frontman Philip Anselmo after he was filmed last week giving a Nazi salute and shouting “white power”.
Anselmo was filmed by a fan at the Dimebash event on 22 January, a tribute to Pantera’s late guitarist “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott. He claimed at first he had been making a joke about the white wine served to performers at the event, who included Dave Grohl and members of Metallica, and said: “I fucking love everyone, I fucking loathe everyone, and that’s that. No apologies from me.”
He backtracked on that on Saturday, when he issued a statement on Housecore Records’ YouTube channel, saying:
“Philip H Anselmo here, and I’m here to basically respond to all the heat I’ve been getting that I deserve completely.
“I was at the Dimebash, and it was extremely late at night. There was heavy-duty talk between myself and those who love Dime. And heavy emotions were flowing, jokes were made backstage that transpired upon the stage, and it was ugly. It was uncalled for. And anyone who knows me and my true nature knows that I don’t believe in any of that; I don’t want to be part of any group. I’m an individual, and I am a thousand percent apologetic to anyone that took offence to what I said because you should have taken offence to what I said. And I am so sorry, and I hope you just … man, give me another chance to … just give me another chance. I love all of you. And anyone who’s met me, anyone who knows me knows that I love all of you. Bless you.”
http://www.theguardian.com/music/2016/feb/01/metal-community-condemns-racism-phil-anselmo-nazi-salute-white-power




So... your claim of “white power” was actually referring to your white zinfandel? To quote one of my favorite flicks, Super Troopers, “I'll believe that when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbert.” Sorry Phil, but you forget that you live in the Internet age, and there’s no such things as take backs. You made a white power salute and got caught on tape with your racist pants down. But why is it back in the news this week? Corey Taylor of Slipknot / Stone Sour fame gave an interview in which he explains – and nails – metal’s huge problem with racism.

Answering fan questions for The Guardian, Taylor said that he had "kept mum for the most part" about the incident because "I wasn't there. So I don't know the background on what happened, I haven't seen the video of it - though I've been told by many people that it's blatant, and there's no way to misrepresent what was done."

Taylor added: "I will say this. This is a bigger problem than what happened that night. Slipknot has dedicated itself to bringing people together, to fighting racism, to fighting hate in general since the day we were started. I don't have time for people who judge other people by the colour of their skin. If that in itself offends some of my fans, then I'm sorry, you're wrong. I don't ever want our fans to feel like we're judging them because of colour, religion, culture, upbringing, etc. We welcome everyone, we always have and we always will."

While admitting that racism "is a problem in metal" and "across the board in music", Taylor remained confident that "it will take very little to eradicate racism from [the metal community] because the majority of it isn't racist".

Read more at http://www.nme.com/news/slipknot/91389#DIK2EM6vpaw4FbMD.99


Well said, Mr. Taylor. Well said.


[font size="8"]Astonishing Adventures Of Florida Man[/font]


Ah, Florida. As Tracy Morgan once called it on an episode of one of my favorite shows of all time, 30 Rock, “The penis of America”. So you guys and gals by now know that I am dedicated to bringing the crazy extra hard for the 10th spot for the Top 10, am I right about that? Well, what’s crazier than a guy who threw a live alligator through the window of a Wendy’s drive through, then telling the police that he’s a fan of the late Steve Irwin? The only thing that would be crazier is if crap literally started spewing out of Alex Jones’ mouth. Roll tape!


Authorities in Florida have arrested a man accused of throwing a live alligator through a restaurant’s drive-through window.
Investigators identified Joshua James, of Jupiter, Fla., as the man who tossed the 3˝-foot reptile into a Wendy’s last fall, according to a Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission incident report.
He faces three charges related to the incident: aggravated assault with a deadly weapon; unlawful sale, possession or transporting of an alligator; and petty theft. James, 24, was taken into custody and booked into the Palm Beach County Detention Center on Monday, as first reported by NBC affiliate WPTV.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-nation/wp/2016/02/09/assault-with-a-deadly-weapon-florida-man-charged-with-throwing-live-alligator-into-wendys/


Oh starts out innocently enough. Just some Wendy’s employees pulling the night shift when they suddenly get the surprise of a live fucking alligator being thrown the drive through window. And it would even be weirder than that if it was a fucking alligator, wouldn’t it? Hey o!!!

Let’s continue:
The driver, wearing a baseball hat backward, arrived at the drive-through window to receive a large drink just before 1:30 a.m. on Oct. 11, according to the report’s summary of surveillance footage.
“While the attendant has her back to the window and is at her register, the male driver reaches across the inside of his vehicle in the passenger area and throws an alligator from his vehicle into the drive through window,” the report reads.
A photograph in the report shows the American alligator flat with its legs splayed on the fast-food restaurant’s kitchen floor. An officer responding to the incident captured the alligator, taped its jaws shut “for safety” and released it into a nearby canal, according to the report.


Backwards baseball hat? Check. Pulling into a drive through window for a large jug of caffeine and sugar for an all night bender? Check. Throwing something, much less a live animal at fast food employees? Check. Mate. But that arrest report brings up many questions. First – well, first being “why?????”. Second - “possession of an alligator” is a criminal offense in Florida? Really? Is that the only state in the union where this is a crime? And how big was this alligator? According to the article, it was not a full grown one – this one was just 3 and a half feet long. But here’s where it gets weird:

Once approached by authorities, James admitted to having picked up the alligator along the side of a road, driving to Wendy’s and throwing the beast through the drive-through window.
A judge on Tuesday ordered James to stay away from all Wendy’s restaurants, to avoid possessing any weapons, to get a mental health evaluation and to limit his contact with animals to his mother’s dog, according to WPTV.
James’s parents described him to the TV station as an outdoorsman and harmless prankster, adding that he viewed famous crocodile hunter and conservationist Steve Irwin as an idol.


You know James, the name of the show was “Steve Irwin: Crocodile Hunter”, not, “Steve Irwin, Alligator Tosser”. Talk about missing the point of the show. I mean seriously, this is one of the biggest epic fails of a story that I have heard in quite some time. But while the prank was far from dangerous, here’s just what could have happened if an alligator of that size actually did attack someone:

James P. Ross, a retired scientist at the University of Florida's Department of Wildlife Ecology and Conservation, said a 3.5-foot alligator would likely weigh about 20 to 30 pounds, and its hard body could deliver quite a jolt if it struck someone.
He said the gator's bite would be comparable to a dog's and would be unlikely to cause serious injury or snap off a finger, although it could tear tendons. Perhaps the biggest concern would be infection if a bite went untreated, he said.
"The alligator would be unlikely to 'attack' people and more likely to be in a highly traumatized and frightened defensive mode," he said. "It could, and quite likely would, snap and lunge at anyone approaching it closely and could project its head and jaws 12 to 18 inches in most any direction."
http://abc7.com/news/man-accused-of-hurling-alligator-through-wendys-drive-thru-window/1193923/

This story might be an epic fail on just about every sense of the term, but James will have a story to tell at parties for decades, assuming he doesn’t get attacked by an alligator first.



[font size="8"]BONUS IDIOT:[/font]
[font size="8"]Martin Shkreli [/font]


I wouldn’t let you get out of here without giving you a bonus, could I? Because what kind of host would that make me? Not a very good one if you ask me! So Martin Shkreli, you know him best as Pharma Bro, and you know that in multiple previous issues, I have discussed his on again, off again feud with the Wu Tang Clan. I would save this for next week, but this is too damn good to leave off this week. But let's start with Kanye West's insane set of rules for performers for his ego stroking album premiere in New York City this week. Well now it appears he has his sights set on another overpriced rap album and that’s Kanye Wests’ “The Story Of Pablo” which he revealed to the public yesterday in a batshit crazy press conference Kanye style:

Late on Thursday afternoon at Madison Square Garden — after weeks of intrigue, changed plans, adjusted track lists and scrapped album titles — the rapper-slash-designer debuted his third Yeezy collection for Adidas and his defiant seventh solo album, “The Life of Pablo,” simultaneously on the city’s biggest stage.
Well, not quite on stage. A relatively low-key Mr. West, casual in a black cap and burgundy long-sleeve T-shirt promoting the album, played M.C. for the event from the floor behind the sound booth, where he’d plugged in a laptop to blast his new music at earsplitting volume.
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/12/arts/music/kanye-west-yeezy-season-3-life-of-pablo.html


Kanye West does something low key for a change? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… wait a minute.. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I mean come on, he had the fucking launch party at Madison Square Garden! And it was broadcast in movie theaters all around the country! But here’s a guy who he shares something in common with – a massive ego and more money than brains – and that’s Pharma-Douche Martin Shkreli. Well here’s where Shkreli wants to buy the only copy of “The Life Of Pablo” available right now – for the low low price of $10 million. Oh and he also owes the IRS $4.5 million.


http://finance.yahoo.com/news/martin-shkreli-just-offered-kanye-222435409.html#
Martin Shkreli, former pharmaceutical CEO who gained infamy last year for raising the prices of a drug taken by HIV patients, has an offer he doesn’t think rapper Kanye West can refuse.

Shkreli is offering West and his record company $10 million for the new album, which West has been promoting for weeks through a series of increasingly bizarre tweets. The deal requires that only Shkreli get the album, with no broad release. As is his usual course of action, Shkreli announced his offer to the public on Twitter, including a tweet with a picture of the letter he claims he sent to West.

This isn’t the first time he’s been in the news for his hip-hop dealings. He paid $2 million for the only copy of the Wu-Tang Clan record “Once Upon A Time in Shaolin” and has since gotten into a public spat with Wu-Tang Clan member Ghostface Killah.

It isn’t clear that Shkreli could actually pay the $10 million, as Gawker has reported he owes $4.5 million in unpaid taxes.


Can we get a Kickstarter going to raise the $15 million needed to make this happen? Maybe we can we end Kanye’s madness before it starts? Well there’s at least one way to solve that problem! Come on let’s get it going! At least they have a song they can share together:



Baby, I’m awesome… awesome… y’all know…

See you next week!

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Reply Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15: Funk You Very Much Edition (Original post)
Initech Feb 2016 OP
Initech Feb 2016 #1
Mc Mike Feb 2016 #2
Initech Feb 2016 #3
dembotoz Feb 2016 #4

Response to Initech (Original post)

Mon Feb 15, 2016, 04:03 PM

1. K for the afternoon crowd!

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Response to Initech (Original post)

Tue Feb 16, 2016, 11:52 AM

2. Thanks for all the hard work, Initech.

I always enjoy reading these.

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Response to Mc Mike (Reply #2)

Tue Feb 16, 2016, 12:24 PM

3. Sure!

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Response to Initech (Original post)

Tue Feb 16, 2016, 01:28 PM

4. love it thanks

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