Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 83)
Not-So-Hard Labor Edition
back hard from last week's disappointing tenth position, Dubya
finds himself sawing logs in the number two spot this week.
Sneaking past him into first place are those greedy corporate
bastards - and we know you're going to be annoyed when
you read what they're up to. Elsewhere we find Katherine Harris
(4) who may soon know what Al Gore felt like in 2000, the
Justice Department (5) forcing a stake through the heart of
states' rights, and Ann Coulter, (7) who, as usual, has been
telling fabulous fibs. Meanwhile the Associated Press (9)
is makes a tiny, tiny apology, and Ed McGaa (10) has got warehouses
full of sludge. Enjoy, and as usual, here's the key.
If you're standing, please sit down. If you're near anything
breakable, please move it out of reach before reading this.
Ready? Okay. So it turns out that our good friends Enron,
WorldCom, and many other corporate evildoers are going to
be having a good laugh
at your expense soon. Why? Because if crooked corporations
receive large fines for their disgraceful behavior, they will
simply write it off on next year's tax return. That's
right. The companies start to sink, Bush gives them your
money in the form of a "stimulus package." It is
revealed that they were committing fraud and they go bankrupt,
you get laid off. They get hit up with a hefty fine,
you pay for it. Welcome to Bush's "responsibility
era" in action, folks - Bush's cronies rip off the country,
and you're responsible.
Speaking of George W. Bush, President Cokespoon was out and
about on Labor Day last week, brown-nosing the United Brotherhood
of Carpenters and Joiners, and explaining
how he was going to revive the economy - if only those dang
Democrats in the Senate would stop getting in his way. "Congress
needs to get moving," Bush said during his address. Damn
right Chimpy, they need to get moving on repealing your insane
tax cut for the rich. But what we want to know is: what the
hell does President AWOL know about labor anyway? A
quick glance at the stats
reveals some interesting information on George's work habits.
For example, did you know that since January 2001 Bush has
spent 250 days at either Crawford, Kennebunkport, or Camp
David? That's 42 percent of his presidency! And did
you know that during his presidency so far he has played 15
rounds of golf, but only given six solo press conferences?
Still, it nice to know that Dubya will indeed have a legacy
- he's going to go down in history as America's laziest and
most incompetent president.
We really thought we'd seen the last of Bill Simon, but no
- the California gubernatorial candidate just keeps coming
back like a bad burrito. Simon was in the news again
last week for turning his back on gays. Not literally, of
course - Homophobic Bill knows better than that. So
what happened? Well it seems that Simon signed a Log Cabin
Republican questionnaire in which he gave support to gay-friendly
laws. Or did he? Apparently Simon's religious-right supporters
turned the thumbscrews, because the next thing you know he
was claiming that he, er, didn't read the questionnaire completely
and, uh, it had been returned without his knowledge. And now
the Log Cabin Republicans have refused to endorse him. But
don't worry, according
to Bill, "There are a number of gay and lesbian people in
my business, and campaign." So stop complaining!
Well spank me with a haddock and call me Deirdre - it seems
that Katherine Harris may be about to learn that karma is
not just a nightclub
in Japan. In a case filled with irony so delicious you could
put it on toast and serve it to the Iron Chef, a judge in
Leon County, Florida, may be about to derail Harris's November
election chances for good. But that's not the best part, oh
no! We noted back in Idiots 78 that Ms. Harris was in trouble
for not resigning her position as Secretary of State immediately
upon declaring her candidacy for a seat in the House of Representatives.
Under Florida law, failure to resign could prevent a candidate
from running. Now one of her challengers in the Republican
primary has filed suit to make sure that very thing happens.
But here's the best part: if Harris is prevented from running
(please please please!) it's too late to take her name off
the ballot. And so according
to the Sarasota Herald-Tribune, if the judge rules
against Harris her name will remain on the ballot but "he
will order supervisors to not count any votes she may receive."
BWAAHAAHAAA!! Oh, the irony, the irony! To be honest, even
if the judge rules in Harris's favor, I've had enough fun
just thinking about this to make it all worthwhile.
Here's the latest message from Ashcroft's Justice Department
to all those who would believe in the foolish concepts of
democracy and states' rights: "Screw you and the bong
you rode in on, dope-fiends!" Last week the Drug Enforcement
a farm in Santa Cruz, California and charged the owners with
intent to distribute marijuana and conspiracy. Never mind
that state law permits the use of medical marijuana and the
farm's owners worked closely with local authorities to make
sure that their pot only reached those with doctors' recommendations.
No, this is all part of Ashcroft's mad puritanical rush to
crack down on the evil weed, and nuts to the chronically or
terminally ill, the will of the people, the law of the state,
etc. Yup, capturing evildoers is all in a day's work for the
Justice Department. By the way guys, any word on the anthrax
Todd Harris is Jeb Bush's campaign manager, and boy does he
have an interesting take on political analysts and pollsters.
According to the Tampa Tribune, Harris was asked
last week what he thought about a prediction made by Lance
deHaven-Smith, director of Florida State University's Institute
of Government. deHaven-Smith had previously suggested that
Bill McBride could win the Democratic primary and then go
on to beat Governor Jebby in November. Harris's response?
"Most of those [political scientists] are idiots who
have never worked in a campaign. I'd like to put 'em all in
a room and shoot 'em." Touché!
Chalk up another fib to Ann Coulter's long, long list o'lies.
But this one has nothing to do with terrorists, liberals,
or Bill Clinton's penis - this time it turns out that Ms.
Coulter has been less than honest about her real age. She
claims to be 38 years old, but Lloyd Grove of the Washington
last week that, strictly speaking, Ann is talking bullpoop.
See, her driver's license lists her date of birth as December
1961, and her birth date on file at the New Canaan, CT, voter
registration office is December 1961. Which would make her
40. When Grove reached Coulter for comment, Coulter cheerfully
explained that she was 38. Um, okay. Must be that damn lying
liberal media again!
Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee handed
a stinging rebuke to the Bush Administration by deep-sixing
another right-wing extremist nominated to the federal courts.
On a 10-9 party-line vote, the committee put the smack-down
on Priscilla Owen, a Pickering-style judicial activist with
a disturbing record of twisting the law to conform to her
narrow conservative world-view. This time the fight was over
a seat on the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals, but the message
to Dubya was loud and clear: Don't try to put a Borkian nut-job
to the Supreme Court. Sing with me now: Na-na-na-na, NA-NA-NA-NA,
The Associated Press The ongoing media effort to whitewash
the 2000 election results got another boost recently when
the Associated Press reviewed the latest published screed
by Katherine Harris. In their review, the AP asserted that
"some unofficial ballot inspections paid for by consortiums
of news agencies showed Bush winning by varying margins."
Funny, AP was one of the news agencies in the consortium,
but somehow they've conveniently forgotten what they actually
found. Back in November of last year, AP reported that "a
full, statewide recount of all undervotes and overvotes could
have erased Bush's 537-vote victory and put Gore ahead by
a tiny margin ranging from 42 to 171 votes, depending on how
valid votes are defined." After FAIR exposed the fraud, the
a two-paragraph correction, which no doubt will get buried
on page C37 of most newspapers. Score one for the liberal
And finally: in Minnesota, where liberal hero Paul Wellstone
is in the fight of his life, the state Green Party has nominated
a crackpot who isn't even green. According
to the Minneapolis/St.Paul Star Tribune, in 1986 Green
Party nominee Ed McGaa was involved in a business project
to extract gold from sewage ash produced in the Twin Cities.
When the project went belly-up, sludge was left sitting in
warehouses. Even the conservative Wall Street Journal called
it an "environmental debacle." In his defense McGaa said,
"All these white people were the ones that made this whole
thing happen. Why do you want to turn around and blame Mr.
Indian here?" he asked. I don't know, Ed. Could it be the
fact that you're running for U.S. Senate as some kind of environmentalist?
Sheesh. See you next week...
a Conservative for Next Week's List