The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (No. 83)
September 9, 2002
Not-So-Hard Labor Edition
Bouncing back hard from last week's disappointing tenth position, Dubya finds himself sawing logs in the number two spot this week. Sneaking past him into first place are those greedy corporate bastards - and we know you're going to be annoyed when you read what they're up to. Elsewhere we find Katherine Harris (4) who may soon know what Al Gore felt like in 2000, the Justice Department (5) forcing a stake through the heart of states' rights, and Ann Coulter, (7) who, as usual, has been telling fabulous fibs. Meanwhile the Associated Press (9) is makes a tiny, tiny apology, and Ed McGaa (10) has got warehouses full of sludge. Enjoy, and as usual, here's the key.
If you're standing, please sit down. If you're near anything breakable, please move it out of reach before reading this. Ready? Okay. So it turns out that our good friends Enron, WorldCom, and many other corporate evildoers are going to be having a good laugh at your expense soon. Why? Because if crooked corporations receive large fines for their disgraceful behavior, they will simply write it off on next year's tax return. That's right. The companies start to sink, Bush gives them your money in the form of a "stimulus package." It is revealed that they were committing fraud and they go bankrupt, you get laid off. They get hit up with a hefty fine, you pay for it. Welcome to Bush's "responsibility era" in action, folks - Bush's cronies rip off the country, and you're responsible.
Speaking of George W. Bush, President Cokespoon was out and about on Labor Day last week, brown-nosing the United Brotherhood of Carpenters and Joiners, and explaining how he was going to revive the economy - if only those dang Democrats in the Senate would stop getting in his way. "Congress needs to get moving," Bush said during his address. Damn right Chimpy, they need to get moving on repealing your insane tax cut for the rich. But what we want to know is: what the hell does President AWOL know about labor anyway? A quick glance at the stats reveals some interesting information on George's work habits. For example, did you know that since January 2001 Bush has spent 250 days at either Crawford, Kennebunkport, or Camp David? That's 42 percent of his presidency! And did you know that during his presidency so far he has played 15 rounds of golf, but only given six solo press conferences? Still, it nice to know that Dubya will indeed have a legacy - he's going to go down in history as America's laziest and most incompetent president.
We really thought we'd seen the last of Bill Simon, but no - the California gubernatorial candidate just keeps coming back like a bad burrito. Simon was in the news again last week for turning his back on gays. Not literally, of course - Homophobic Bill knows better than that. So what happened? Well it seems that Simon signed a Log Cabin Republican questionnaire in which he gave support to gay-friendly laws. Or did he? Apparently Simon's religious-right supporters turned the thumbscrews, because the next thing you know he was claiming that he, er, didn't read the questionnaire completely and, uh, it had been returned without his knowledge. And now the Log Cabin Republicans have refused to endorse him. But don't worry, according to Bill, "There are a number of gay and lesbian people in my business, and campaign." So stop complaining!
Well spank me with a haddock and call me Deirdre - it seems that Katherine Harris may be about to learn that karma is not just a nightclub in Japan. In a case filled with irony so delicious you could put it on toast and serve it to the Iron Chef, a judge in Leon County, Florida, may be about to derail Harris's November election chances for good. But that's not the best part, oh no! We noted back in Idiots 78 that Ms. Harris was in trouble for not resigning her position as Secretary of State immediately upon declaring her candidacy for a seat in the House of Representatives. Under Florida law, failure to resign could prevent a candidate from running. Now one of her challengers in the Republican primary has filed suit to make sure that very thing happens. But here's the best part: if Harris is prevented from running (please please please!) it's too late to take her name off the ballot. And so according to the Sarasota Herald-Tribune, if the judge rules against Harris her name will remain on the ballot but "he will order supervisors to not count any votes she may receive." BWAAHAAHAAA!! Oh, the irony, the irony! To be honest, even if the judge rules in Harris's favor, I've had enough fun just thinking about this to make it all worthwhile.
Here's the latest message from Ashcroft's Justice Department to all those who would believe in the foolish concepts of democracy and states' rights: "Screw you and the bong you rode in on, dope-fiends!" Last week the Drug Enforcement Agency raided a farm in Santa Cruz, California and charged the owners with intent to distribute marijuana and conspiracy. Never mind that state law permits the use of medical marijuana and the farm's owners worked closely with local authorities to make sure that their pot only reached those with doctors' recommendations. No, this is all part of Ashcroft's mad puritanical rush to crack down on the evil weed, and nuts to the chronically or terminally ill, the will of the people, the law of the state, etc. Yup, capturing evildoers is all in a day's work for the Justice Department. By the way guys, any word on the anthrax killer?
Todd Harris is Jeb Bush's campaign manager, and boy does he have an interesting take on political analysts and pollsters. According to the Tampa Tribune, Harris was asked last week what he thought about a prediction made by Lance deHaven-Smith, director of Florida State University's Institute of Government. deHaven-Smith had previously suggested that Bill McBride could win the Democratic primary and then go on to beat Governor Jebby in November. Harris's response? "Most of those [political scientists] are idiots who have never worked in a campaign. I'd like to put 'em all in a room and shoot 'em." Touché!
Chalk up another fib to Ann Coulter's long, long list o'lies. But this one has nothing to do with terrorists, liberals, or Bill Clinton's penis - this time it turns out that Ms. Coulter has been less than honest about her real age. She claims to be 38 years old, but Lloyd Grove of the Washington Post reported last week that, strictly speaking, Ann is talking bullpoop. See, her driver's license lists her date of birth as December 1961, and her birth date on file at the New Canaan, CT, voter registration office is December 1961. Which would make her 40. When Grove reached Coulter for comment, Coulter cheerfully explained that she was 38. Um, okay. Must be that damn lying liberal media again!
Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee handed a stinging rebuke to the Bush Administration by deep-sixing another right-wing extremist nominated to the federal courts. On a 10-9 party-line vote, the committee put the smack-down on Priscilla Owen, a Pickering-style judicial activist with a disturbing record of twisting the law to conform to her narrow conservative world-view. This time the fight was over a seat on the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals, but the message to Dubya was loud and clear: Don't try to put a Borkian nut-job to the Supreme Court. Sing with me now: Na-na-na-na, NA-NA-NA-NA, hey-hey-hey, good-bye!
The Associated Press The ongoing media effort to whitewash the 2000 election results got another boost recently when the Associated Press reviewed the latest published screed by Katherine Harris. In their review, the AP asserted that "some unofficial ballot inspections paid for by consortiums of news agencies showed Bush winning by varying margins." Funny, AP was one of the news agencies in the consortium, but somehow they've conveniently forgotten what they actually found. Back in November of last year, AP reported that "a full, statewide recount of all undervotes and overvotes could have erased Bush's 537-vote victory and put Gore ahead by a tiny margin ranging from 42 to 171 votes, depending on how valid votes are defined." After FAIR exposed the fraud, the AP released a two-paragraph correction, which no doubt will get buried on page C37 of most newspapers. Score one for the liberal media.
And finally: in Minnesota, where liberal hero Paul Wellstone is in the fight of his life, the state Green Party has nominated a crackpot who isn't even green. According to the Minneapolis/St.Paul Star Tribune, in 1986 Green Party nominee Ed McGaa was involved in a business project to extract gold from sewage ash produced in the Twin Cities. When the project went belly-up, sludge was left sitting in warehouses. Even the conservative Wall Street Journal called it an "environmental debacle." In his defense McGaa said, "All these white people were the ones that made this whole thing happen. Why do you want to turn around and blame Mr. Indian here?" he asked. I don't know, Ed. Could it be the fact that you're running for U.S. Senate as some kind of environmentalist? Sheesh. See you next week...