Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 84)
Florida Fiasco Edition
usurps George as chief conservative idiot this week, jumping
straight into the top spot with a fantastic performance this
week. Election misadventures, doped-up daughters, terra alerts
- it's all here. Slinking up behind Jeb this week we find
Rep. Mark Foley (2) with a wonderful display of conservative
hypocrisy, and GOPAC (3) who have been playing the race card
and trying to scare voters. Wait a minute, I thought that's
what they accused us of doing! Elsewhere we find the
Denver Police Department (6) with their own version of Operation
TIPS, Edward Fine (8) who is making a quick buck off 9/11,
and Benjamin Netanyahu (10) new spokesperson for the FOX network.
Enjoy, and as usual, here's the key.
Jeb Bush should probably start taking his job a little more
seriously. After the election debacle of 2000 you'd expect
him to clean up his state's act a little - but no, Jeb doesn't
give two hoots about the electoral process. In fact, the brother
of the "Responsibility President" knows exactly
who's responsible - anyone but him, of course. He even had
the gall to publicly ponder,
"What is it with Democrats having a hard time voting?"
As if you need to ask, fraud-boy. But poor Jeb did have more
important things on his plate. His daughter Noelle - a shining
example of the fruits of Bush parenting - was in trouble
at her rehab clinic for hiding crack in her sock. Uh huh.
Fortunately, just as reporters were heading down to Florida
to investigate incompetent Jeb's misadministration, a convenient
terror alert (quick, there might be a bomb in a car on I-75!
Oh, wait - no
there isn't) managed to distract everybody's attention and
gave Governor Boob a nice little "war on terra"
carrot to dangle in front of the hypnotized media. Good news
though - Jeb managed to avoid breaking down in tears like
he usually does a press conferences...
Unbridled Hypocrisy Of The Week Award goes to Rep. Mark Foley
(R) of Florida, who last week was - if you can believe this
- calling the legitimacy of Bill McBride into question. After
another farcical Florida election McBride topped Janet Reno
by around 8,000 votes. The state canvassing board certified
the result, but Reno is weighing a challenge. Step forward
Mark Foley, who back in 2000 insisted
that, "it would be a sad commentary if this election
ends up being taken out of the hands of the American people
and decided by the courts," and, "whatever the outcome,
we need to respect it," said
of McBride last week that, "his legitimacy is definitely in
question." Whyzzat? Here's how it works - when it looked like
his boy was in danger of losing the presidency, it was all
"let's move on." Now it looks like Governor Bush
is going to face a serious challenge from McBride, the tables
have turned - we must investigate! Interesting to see that
vote counting is only important to Republicans when it's going
to do them a favor.
Look who's playing
the race card: Last week the Republican political action committee
GOPAC (yes, that GOPAC) ran a radio ad in Kansas City
in an effort to appeal to African American voters. The ad,
one of the most shameful we've heard in a long time (even
by conservative standards), tried to undercut black support
for the Social Security system by calling it "reverse reparations."
The sick conservative logic is that since blacks don't live
as long as whites, they don't get as much retirement money:
"So the next time some Democrat says he won't touch Social
Security, ask why he thinks blacks owe reparations to whites."
Strangely, the ad didn't mention how the entire Republican
platform contributes to the tragically low life expectancy
of African Americans in this country: Crappy healthcare
and lax gun laws... they're reverse reparations!
Is that the sound of a clucking chicken I hear? Why, yes it
is - Dick Cheney has gone back into hiding again! Vice President
Crashcart was last seen heading
for the bunkers shortly before the anniversary of September
11, presumably so he could yank on the levers of power in
private. Yellow Dick did manage to pluck up the courage last
week to phone Rush Limbaugh's show and have a nice chat with
him, which doesn't seem like a particularly good way of uniting,
not dividing - but then what do you expect from the man who
is desperately calling for American soldiers to be sent to
Iraq, all from the safety of his own sordid little hidey-hole?
Environmental Protection Agency
I guess while George W. Bush and his cronies are focussing
on busting a cap in Saddam's ass, there's really not much
need to worry about other dumb issues, such as the economy,
or the environment. At least, that must be the case
since the EPA last week released their annual federal report
on air pollution trends - which for the first time in six
years had no section on global warming. Why? "Some people
at pretty high levels in my organization were saying, 'Take
it out,'" said an EPA official. Well, I guess the White
House thinks that they don't need to bother reporting global
warming trends right now. And knock me down with a feather,
the New York Times reported
that "Industry lobbyists are praising the decision."
Oh, why am I not surprised?
If you live in Denver, Big Brother may have been watching
YOU! It was reported
last week that the Denver PD has been keeping a list of 3200
people and 208 organizations that they thought were worth
keeping an eye on. 74-year-old nun Sister Antonia Anthony
was on there for being a member of a "criminal extremist group."
82-year-old great-grandmother Helen Henry was on there for
the "Free Leonard Peltier" bumper sticker on her
car. Stephen Nash was on there for belonging to Amnesty International
and two local police watchdog organizations. When Denver's
mayor found out what was going on he ordered the files thrown
out, but not before the ACLU sued the city for invasion of
privacy. Hey folks, better get used to it! This is John Ashcroft's
wet dream come to life!
It may be rough living under Bush's "compassionate"
conservatism, but it could be worse. Check out this
story from Iran last week, in which a certain Mr. Khazir was
so certain that his seven year old daughter had been raped
by her uncle that he, er, cut her head off. What? Mr. Khazir
explains: "The motive behind the killing was to defend my
honor, fame, and dignity." Unfortunately it turns out that
a post mortem showed that the girl hadn't been raped at all.
See what happens when conservatism really gets out
Homicidal conservatism may only go on overseas, but when it
comes to insensitive and tasteless opportunism, you don't
have to look
too far from home. Take Edward Fine - a World Trade Center
survivor who was pictured covered in dust on the front cover
of Fortune magazine shortly after September 11. Mr.
Fine has decided that he'd like to make a quick buck off the
misfortune of thousands and has announced that he will henceforth
be charging for interviews. And how much will he be charging?
You'l love this: "I ask $500 for an hour, for two, it's
$911 - and, yes, there is a significance to that sum."
Based Initiative Officials
So it appears that George W. Bush's "faith-based initiative"
is actually nothing more than a ploy to help get GOP candidates
elected. The Washington Post reported
last week that "Top government officials overseeing the
[faith-based initiative] program, designed to funnel federal
social service grants to religious groups, have appeared at
Republican-sponsored events and with GOP candidates in at
least six states. For example, at a recent South Carolina
event, attendees were sent follow-up letters explaining how
to get grants - on GOP stationery. White House spokeswoman
Ann Womack assured the press that Jim Towey, soon-to-be-head
of the program, "travels all over the country to talk
about the president's faith-based initiative," although oddly
enough she couldn't recall any instances where he'd made joint
appearances with Democrats facing tough election fights.
Ain't it nice to see that your
tax dollars are working hard - for the Republicans.
And finally, it seems that former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin
Netanyahu is doing his bit to help billionaire tyrant Rupert
Murdoch extend his media reach to the Middle East. Netanyahu
appeared before the House Government Reform Committee last
week and announced
that the USA could start a cultural revolution in Iran. How?
By broadcasting FOX shows such as "Melrose Place"
and "Beverly Hills 90210" of course! "This is pretty
subversive stuff," Netanyahu said. "The kids of Iran would
want the nice clothes they see on those shows. They would
want the swimming pools and fancy lifestyles." He went on
to add, "And don't forget the premieres of 'John Doe'
and 'Fast Lane', two exciting new shows starting this fall,
only on FOX!" See you next week...
a Conservative for Next Week's List