Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 82)
Stand By Your McVeigh Edition
Coulter crashes onto the list in the number one slot this
week, beating out a host of worthy contenders. It was tough,
But little Annie's comments on fellow right-wing nutcase Tim
McVeigh gave her the boost she needed to fend off the challengers.
Left gasping for breath in second place is Don Bates, whose
political career has been rudely ended by Madam Palm and her
five sisters. Jeb Bush can only manage a paltry third place
this week for his defense of child-beating advocate Jerry
Reiger; meanwhile, the tap continues to drip on Thomas White
(4). And poor old George W. Bush can only manage a sad tenth
place this week after practically owning the Top Ten for the
last two months. Enjoy, and as usual, here's the key.
It's hardly news that Ann Coulter is a right-wing wacko. But
did you know she is also a supporter of terrorism? In a recent
for the New York Observer, Ms. Coulter - who thinks
that liberals should be killed - announced her support for
mass murderer Timothy McVeigh. "My only regret with Timothy
McVeigh," she told interviewer George Gurley, "is
he did not go to the New York Times Building." Got that? Her
only regret. She doesn't mind that 168 people lost
their lives - she just wishes that those 168 people had been
(presumably) liberals, working for a news organization she
disagrees with. And that, folks, perfectly sums up
Ann Coulter's idea of quality political discourse in America.
Incidentally, in the same interview Ms. Coulter expressed
her desire for Dick Cheney, which pretty much proves that
her brain has indeed gone soggy.
The God Guys are coming - literally and figuratively! Don
Bates, self-proclaimed "God Guy" in his campaign
for local School Board in Florida, was recently forced to
quit the race when the St. Petersburg Times discovered
that back in 1994 he was arrested and charged for masturbating
in public. Apparently he was caught bashing the bishop in
his Nissan Maxima while parked at the local mall, which would
explain the statement he made earlier that day when he said
he was going to "go out and splurge on a new car."
Wanking Don expressed his dismay at the breaking news, saying,
"I'm sorry that this has to be printed." But he had a good
explanation for his behavior - see, in 1994 he was abusing
painkillers. So that should win back some points with the
voters. Yes, it's all in a day's work for Master Don "Aptly
Named" Bates. In fact you might say that this is a classic
example of a candidate beating himself (boom tiss).
Jerry Regier, the new head of Florida's Department of Children
and Families, is a religious maniac who thinks that "biblical
spanking [that leads to] temporary and superficial bruises
or welts does not constitute child abuse," (see Idiots
81). And this news left Governor Jeb Bush concerned. Very
concerned. But of course, this is top-ranked conservative
idiot Jeb Bush we're talking about here, so don't get your
hopes up. Bush announced
last week that he was troubled by a "soft bigotry that is
emerging against people of faith," and that, "it really
doesn't matter if Jerry has a deep and unabiding faith and
it certainly doesn't disqualify him for public service." Well,
no - but it probably does matter that the person charged with
looking after Florida's children and families believes that
children should be subject to "manly" discipline,
and that women should be kept indoors as "helpmates"
to their husbands. Incidentally Regier's wife is a full-time
nurse, so he doesn't just hold social views in line
with the Taliban - he's also a first-class hypocrite.
Enquiring minds want to know when Dubya is going to pull his
finger out and give Thomas White the boot. Salon reported
last week that three months before Tom White was nominated
as Secretary of the Army, he was up to his neck in Enron's
disgraceful downfall, using his executive positon to "hide
the hundreds of millions of dollars in losses from Enron Energy
Services, the retail division he had headed since 1998."
Oh dear. But don't look for White to be "spending more
time with his family" any time soon - we all know that
this kind of behavior practically guarantees a high-ranking
position in the Bush administration.
Family Policy Network
This week's "Head In Sand" Award goes to the Family
Policy Network, who recently attempted to get a court injuction
preventing the University of North Carolina from discussing
a book about the Qur'an. See, according to the Christian group,
"the assignment should have been prohibited because it
promoted Islam." Um, okay. Let's all just ignore the
fact that millions of people follow this particular religion,
shall we? After all, if we pretend that it doesn't exist then
maybe those strange brown people will just go away. In fact,
the less we know about Islam, the more confused and
angry we can all be! And that's what Jesus would have wanted.
Incidentally the court dismissed
the case, presumably on the grounds that a bunch of xenophobic
nuts shouldn't dictate what colleges should or shouldn't allow
their students to discuss.
Can you smell the right-wing indignation? A fraternity from
Waco's Baylor University was suspended for one year last week
after a picture of some members appeared in Playboy
magazine. The fact that they were fully clothed and posing
on a volleyball court for an article about the Big 12 Conference
had no bearing on the University's decision. See, apparently
Playboy is a "salacious publication" which
"runs contrary to the school's ideals" - although
to be honest we had no idea that volleyball was so offensive.
It must be all that heaving and grunting. In a shocking admission,
we hear that a spokesman for Baylor later told reporters that,
"I myself have occasionally purchased Playboy,
although I only beat off to the articles."
Department of Transportation
So apparently the Transportation Department's Air Marshal
program is a huge success. If, of course, by "huge success"
you actually mean "enormous failure." USA Today
last week that over 250 air marshals have left the "top
program and officials are "struggling to handle what
two managers call a flood of resignations." It could
have something to do with the fact that some marshals have
faced schedules that called for flights over ten consecutive
days, and many have been forced to work 12 to 16 hour days.
But according to the Department of Transportation, there's
nothing to worry about - in fact, the outlook is positively
rosy! Apparently the traveling public should "rest assured
that the Federal Air Marshal Service is providing the largest,
highest caliber, best trained and most professional protective
force in American aviation history." Feeling safer now?
Setting another great example for the party of responsibility,
honor, and dignity, Tennessee State Rep. Ronnie Davis (R)
was arrested last week on federal conspiracy charges. Ronnie
was allegedly obtaining diplomatic passports "for people
who did not qualify for them," according
to the Washington Post. Slapped with 15 counts including
"conspiracy, money laundering and extortion," Ronnie
now faces up to 30 years in prison and a $1 million fine.
Whoops. To his credit, Rep. Davis did try to follow his leader's
example and told the Greeneville Sun, "I have no idea
what's going on." Sorry Ronnie - nice try, but that excuse
only works if your last name is Bush.
Winning the political war on terra, but losing the political
war on the economy, the White House revealed
a cynical new measure last week designed to give Republican
candidates a boost this November. They plan to push forward
a package of tax cuts for investors knowing full well that
a) they can't afford them, and b) Senate Democrats will have
to kill the bill. The very idea of more tax cuts while the
country faces severe deficits is ludicrous in the extreme,
but the GOP isn't shy about explaining the purpose of the
pretend bill. At a recent White House meeting with economists,
Stephen Moore, president of the Club for Growth (a conservative
political action committee) said, "Republicans need something
to run on, and they need the president's leadership. This
will be precisely for that purpose." Another participant said,
"They know this thing can't be enacted into law; that's a
given. But they do think they can ram it through the House,
and leave it to Daschle to kill it." There's your compassionate
conservatism folks - rather than actually helping investors,
the White House just wants to pretend to help, and
then throw blame at the Democrats. Nice to see that the era
of partisanship is over in Washington.
And finally, what did George W. Bush do on his vacation? Well,
he's been quite a busy little bee. For starters, Dubya was
seen bowing and scraping to perhaps the biggest supporters
of terrorism in the world, the Saudis - during an official
visit by Crown Prince Abdullah last week, George insisted
that the United States and Saudi Arabia had an "eternal
friendship." Jesus George, are you drilling for oil up
the Crown Prince's butt? Secondly, you will be proud to hear
that our great leader has just completed his 50th presidential
fundraising trip, which brings the grand total of cash raised
for the GOP up to $105 million since his inauguration. Funny
how the Republicans were constantly criticizing the last elected
president for fundraising, and yet according
to the Associated Press Bush is "far outpacing Bill Clinton
during the same period in his presidency." Oh, we're
shocked. See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List