The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (Week 15)
Waiter, There's A Turd In My Water Edition
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Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for this week's
star-studded assembly of conservative idiots! Lots to report this week,
the big news of course being Pat Robertson (1) giving two thumbs up for
forced abortions in China. But there were plenty of other folks lining
up for the opportunity to make the top ten. Looks like the shit is about
to hit the aquifer in Florida as Jeb Bush (2) decides that there isn't
enough poo in his state's drinking water. And Allen Trovillion (3) returns
to the chart with a bizarre monkey-spanking fetish. Elsewhere, "Republican
Marty" (6) shows us what traditional conservative values are all
about, while the Secret Service (8) start sticking it to old ladies.
Robertson - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 2 - This
week Pat probably received more nominations than anyone else ever
in the short history of the Top Ten Conservative Idiots - and for
good reason. Appearing on CNN last week, the Rabid Reverend spake
forth on China's policy of forced abortion: "Well, you know,
I don't agree with it, but at the same time, they've got 1.2 billion
people and they don't know what to do,'' said Robertson, founder
of the Christian Coalition. "If every family over there was
allowed to have three or four children, the population would be
completely unsustainable... so I think that right now they're doing
what they have to do." See, here's how it works for Pat - as
long as a woman isn't allowed to make her own decisions, he's a
very happy man. If a woman decides she wants an abortion, that's
bad. If the government decides to force a woman to have an abortion,
that's okay. As long as it's necessary for population control of
course. However, Pat does note that forced abortion may not necessarily
be a good thing: since it's usually female babies that are
aborted, the Chinese may soon face "a critical shortage of
wives. The young men won't have any women to marry, so it will,
in a sense, dilute the - what they consider the racial purity of
the Han Chinese. And that to them will be a great tragedy, because
then they will have to be importing wives from Indonesia."
Bush - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 4 - So, what's the poop on Jeb Bush?
Well let's put it this way - there's a reason he's in the "number
two" spot this week. It seems that Jeb does not wish to be
outdone by his brother on the issue of polluted drinking water,
so he has decided to push hard for a controversial bill which would
allow untreated water containing human and animal feces to be injected
into underground water zones, or aquifers, which are near wells
where drinking water is stored. No, we are not kidding. Apparently
the untreated water is supposed to stay separate from the aquifer's
drinking water supplies. And as we all know, things like this never
go wrong. The
Environmental Prevarication Agency has indicated that the bill is
"not inconsistent" with Safe Drinking Water Act standards. Of course
it isn't. After all, if arsenic is okay, a little excrement must
be positively invigorating.
Trovillion - LAST WEEK: 1
Weeks on chart: 2 - We thought we'd heard the last of
Allen Trovillion after last week's "God is going to destroy
you" remarks, but it would appear that Mr. Trovillion is the
idiot that keeps on giving - and we think we might have discovered
why. To put it simply, the man is completely insane. Consider this:
last week, in a gung-ho attempt to prove that Internet filters should
be required on library computers, Allen Trovillion claimed that
masturbation is out of control in Broward County libraries, and
has persuaded the county's library division to perform a survey
to find out. The South Florida Sun-Sentinel reports that Trovillion
says Broward has a "masturbation problem," although apparently
spokesmen for several police agencies laughed when asked about Trovillion's
comments. It almost makes you feel sorry for the poor guy. First
he thinks that God is going to "destroy" gays, now he's
seeing people whacking off everywhere. Instead of spending tax dollars
on masturbation surveys, perhaps he should be increasing funding
for the county's mental health system. After all, he's probably
going to be needing it soon.
Starr - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - Speaking
of conservatives who are losing their minds, step forward Ken Starr.
In a speech at Arizona's Harding University last week, the former
Independent Counsel expressed bizarre regret at the way he handled
the Clinton inquiry. After being asked what he thought was the biggest
obstacle in the Whitewater case, Starr replied "The growth of the
independent counsel's power. The investigation far, far surpassed
anything within the [original] jurisdictional grant." He then listed
the names of people who were indicted in the scandal, and said:
"It pains me. It pains me." Well Ken, we feel your pain, you poor
devil. But hang on a second, wasn't it you who went to Janet
Reno and asked for the additional power in the first place?
Weren't you in the driving seat? Wasn't it you who
hounded people relentlessly until you'd managed to turn a land deal
investigation into a second-rate softcore romance novel? They're
all going mad I tell ya!
Cheney - LAST WEEK: 9
Weeks on chart: 6 - Thanks to his boss's tax plan, Dick
Cheney may be about to get some welcome relief. In his speech to
Congress last February, George W. Bush talked up his tax cut which
would average $1,600 for the typical American family: "Now,
$1,600 may not sound like a lot to some, but it means a lot to many
families. $1,600 buys gas for two cars for an entire year. It pays
tuition for a year at a community college. It pays the average family
grocery bill for three months. That's real money." It would
appear that, as the veep himself would like to say, "help is
on the way". You see, last week Dick Cheney declared a taxable
income of $36.1 million for the year 2000, and paid $14.3 million
in taxes. So with only $21.8 million left of his 2000 income, you
can expect the poor guy to be tightening his belt this year. But
not for long, because thanks to George W. Bush's proposed tax cut,
Dick would stand to save an extra $4 million. With this little
windfall, just think of what Dick would be able to do. Why, he could
buy gas for 5000 cars for a year. Or pay tuition for 2500 years
at a community college. Or pay the average family grocery bill for
7500 months. That's real money.
Marty" - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - You want laughable hypocrisy? Well
get a load of this. "Seven years ago," wrote Tallahassee
political commentator Marty Glickman (aka Republican Marty) in his
newsletter The Ugly Truth, "a rednecked, classless pervert
named Clinton from a low rent state like Arkansas was tearing down
all standards for the highest office in the land... Decency, morals,
telling the truth, and standing accountable were all American values
that were on the line. With a rapist, a liar, and a sexual harasser
and his First Enabler Hillary Clinton in charge; the country and
it's children were perilously close to sinking beneath recovery."
Harsh words, but we hope they taste good - because Republican Marty
sure is eating them right now. Last week he was taken into custody
by Florida police on four counts of unlawful sexual activity with
a juvenile and one count of the delivery of LSD. Yes, it turns out
that Marty was doing his own bit to help the children of America
by giving drugs and money to underage girls in exchange for sex.
Fortunately, since Marty is so keen on people standing accountable,
he probably doesn't mind that he's looking at seventy-five years
in prison if he's convicted.
Hague - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - It would appear that conservative
idiocy is not just restricted to the USA. With a general election
just weeks away, British Conservative Party leader William Hague
is desperately trying to prevent his colleagues from ensuring an
even more embarrassing defeat than they are already projected to
Just last week Foreign Secretary Robin Cook accused the Conservative
Party of blatant racism after the East Yorkshire Member of Parliament
John Townend claimed that immigrants were undermining the UK's "homogenous
Anglo-Saxon society." William Hague himself has said that Britain
would become a "foreign land" under a re-elected Labour government.
Now, in a fabulously optimistic and not-at-all-transparent piece
of spin, Hague has accused the Labor Party of playing the "race
card"... by having the gall to mention that the Conservatives
might be anti-immigrant. What a maroon.
Secret Service - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 3 - You can always rely on the Secret
Service for some dimwitted door-busting shenanigans. The latest
tangle in a string of misuse-of-power incidents (see Idiots weeks
6 and 8) involves a Florida seamstress who was a little peeved about
Allen Trovillion's recent and rancidly homophobic statements (see
Idiots week 14). After hearing the State Rep.'s "God is going
to destroy you" comments, Margaret Richards sent off an angry
e-mail message to Trovillion suggesting a "firing squad'' would
be too good for him. She forwarded copies of the e-mail to George
W. Bush and to Jeb Bush. Surprise! It wasn't long before the SS
showed up at her house, asking the 58 year-old mother of five the
usual questions: Do you belong to any terrorist organizations? Are
you stockpiling firearms? Have you spent any time in a mental institution?
Then they took Richards' picture, persuaded her to sign a waiver
giving them access to her medical records, and asked to search her
home. Finally putting her foot down, Richards refused the search
saying she was simply expressing her opinion as a voter when she
wrote the e-mail. Incidentally, how did Allen "nutjob"
Trovillion feel about all this? Well, he said he supports the decision
of Secret Service agents to pursue the matter. One question though:
since when did the SS's job description involve protecting State
Lott and Thad Cochran - RETURN!/NEW!
Weeks on chart: Lott 2/Cochran 1 -
Last week the people of Mississippi went to the polls to decide
whether to dump the old state flag - which includes the Confederate
battle emblem - for a new, more inclusive flag. This was one of
those moments rich with historic significance, in which the people
of Mississippi had the opportunity to step boldly forward into the
21st century. Sadly, neither Trent nor Thad (nor any of the three
Mississippi Repubs in the House, for that matter) had the guts to
even declare a position on the issue. Thad punted, saying "I
do hope my vote will serve the interests of the state." Meanwhile,
Cowardly Trent turned tail and took a junket to Spain, where he
wouldn't have to answer any flag-related questions. Talk about Profiles
in Courage. (For those keeping score: 2 out of 3 Dems took a stand.)
Sun Myung Moon - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - And
finally, last week Rev. Moon, cult
leader and owner of the conservative Washington Times newspaper,
participated in a Las Vegas event billed as a "stand against
violence" in a community that has suffered a rash of gang-related
homicides. According to the Las Vegas Review-Journal, Rev. Moon
went off on a truly bizarre rant, telling the audience that homosexuals,
childless couples, and people's misuse of their "love organs"
are destroying society. "The head of [the male] love organ
is shaped exactly like a poisonous rattlesnake," he said. "And
just like a rattlesnake, it's always looking for a hole... If you
misuse your love organ, you destroy life, your nation, and your
world." It is no surprise to hear a conservative idiot like
Moon blaming society's ills on gays and/or sex. But childless
couples? I guess all that gang violence in Vegas would stop
if we just did something about all those dastardly childless
couples. See you next week!
Other popular nominees this week: George W. Bush, Fred Barnes,
Karl Rove, Paul Weyrich, Mitch McConnell, Bob Barr. Dropping off the
list: George W. Bush (2), Layton High School, Utah (3), Sean Hannity
(4), David Jaye (5), Charlie Crist (6), Judge N. Sanders Sauls (7), Katherine
Harris (8), Jerry Falwell (10).
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