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The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 15)
April 23, 2001
Waiter, There's A Turd In My Water Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots

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Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for this week's star-studded assembly of conservative idiots! Lots to report this week, the big news of course being Pat Robertson (1) giving two thumbs up for forced abortions in China. But there were plenty of other folks lining up for the opportunity to make the top ten. Looks like the shit is about to hit the aquifer in Florida as Jeb Bush (2) decides that there isn't enough poo in his state's drinking water. And Allen Trovillion (3) returns to the chart with a bizarre monkey-spanking fetish. Elsewhere, "Republican Marty" (6) shows us what traditional conservative values are all about, while the Secret Service (8) start sticking it to old ladies.

1

Pat Robertson - RETURN! Weeks on chart: 2 - This week Pat probably received more nominations than anyone else ever in the short history of the Top Ten Conservative Idiots - and for good reason. Appearing on CNN last week, the Rabid Reverend spake forth on China's policy of forced abortion: "Well, you know, I don't agree with it, but at the same time, they've got 1.2 billion people and they don't know what to do,'' said Robertson, founder of the Christian Coalition. "If every family over there was allowed to have three or four children, the population would be completely unsustainable... so I think that right now they're doing what they have to do." See, here's how it works for Pat - as long as a woman isn't allowed to make her own decisions, he's a very happy man. If a woman decides she wants an abortion, that's bad. If the government decides to force a woman to have an abortion, that's okay. As long as it's necessary for population control of course. However, Pat does note that forced abortion may not necessarily be a good thing: since it's usually female babies that are aborted, the Chinese may soon face "a critical shortage of wives. The young men won't have any women to marry, so it will, in a sense, dilute the - what they consider the racial purity of the Han Chinese. And that to them will be a great tragedy, because then they will have to be importing wives from Indonesia."

2

Jeb Bush - RETURN! Weeks on chart: 4 - So, what's the poop on Jeb Bush? Well let's put it this way - there's a reason he's in the "number two" spot this week. It seems that Jeb does not wish to be outdone by his brother on the issue of polluted drinking water, so he has decided to push hard for a controversial bill which would allow untreated water containing human and animal feces to be injected into underground water zones, or aquifers, which are near wells where drinking water is stored. No, we are not kidding. Apparently the untreated water is supposed to stay separate from the aquifer's drinking water supplies. And as we all know, things like this never go wrong. The Environmental Prevarication Agency has indicated that the bill is "not inconsistent" with Safe Drinking Water Act standards. Of course it isn't. After all, if arsenic is okay, a little excrement must be positively invigorating.

3

Allen Trovillion - LAST WEEK: 1 Weeks on chart: 2 - We thought we'd heard the last of Allen Trovillion after last week's "God is going to destroy you" remarks, but it would appear that Mr. Trovillion is the idiot that keeps on giving - and we think we might have discovered why. To put it simply, the man is completely insane. Consider this: last week, in a gung-ho attempt to prove that Internet filters should be required on library computers, Allen Trovillion claimed that masturbation is out of control in Broward County libraries, and has persuaded the county's library division to perform a survey to find out. The South Florida Sun-Sentinel reports that Trovillion says Broward has a "masturbation problem," although apparently spokesmen for several police agencies laughed when asked about Trovillion's comments. It almost makes you feel sorry for the poor guy. First he thinks that God is going to "destroy" gays, now he's seeing people whacking off everywhere. Instead of spending tax dollars on masturbation surveys, perhaps he should be increasing funding for the county's mental health system. After all, he's probably going to be needing it soon.

4

Ken Starr - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - Speaking of conservatives who are losing their minds, step forward Ken Starr. In a speech at Arizona's Harding University last week, the former Independent Counsel expressed bizarre regret at the way he handled the Clinton inquiry. After being asked what he thought was the biggest obstacle in the Whitewater case, Starr replied "The growth of the independent counsel's power. The investigation far, far surpassed anything within the [original] jurisdictional grant." He then listed the names of people who were indicted in the scandal, and said: "It pains me. It pains me." Well Ken, we feel your pain, you poor devil. But hang on a second, wasn't it you who went to Janet Reno and asked for the additional power in the first place? Weren't you in the driving seat? Wasn't it you who hounded people relentlessly until you'd managed to turn a land deal investigation into a second-rate softcore romance novel? They're all going mad I tell ya!

5

Dick Cheney - LAST WEEK: 9 Weeks on chart: 6 - Thanks to his boss's tax plan, Dick Cheney may be about to get some welcome relief. In his speech to Congress last February, George W. Bush talked up his tax cut which would average $1,600 for the typical American family: "Now, $1,600 may not sound like a lot to some, but it means a lot to many families. $1,600 buys gas for two cars for an entire year. It pays tuition for a year at a community college. It pays the average family grocery bill for three months. That's real money." It would appear that, as the veep himself would like to say, "help is on the way". You see, last week Dick Cheney declared a taxable income of $36.1 million for the year 2000, and paid $14.3 million in taxes. So with only $21.8 million left of his 2000 income, you can expect the poor guy to be tightening his belt this year. But not for long, because thanks to George W. Bush's proposed tax cut, Dick would stand to save an extra $4 million. With this little windfall, just think of what Dick would be able to do. Why, he could buy gas for 5000 cars for a year. Or pay tuition for 2500 years at a community college. Or pay the average family grocery bill for 7500 months. That's real money.

6

"Republican Marty" - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - You want laughable hypocrisy? Well get a load of this. "Seven years ago," wrote Tallahassee political commentator Marty Glickman (aka Republican Marty) in his newsletter The Ugly Truth, "a rednecked, classless pervert named Clinton from a low rent state like Arkansas was tearing down all standards for the highest office in the land... Decency, morals, telling the truth, and standing accountable were all American values that were on the line. With a rapist, a liar, and a sexual harasser and his First Enabler Hillary Clinton in charge; the country and it's children were perilously close to sinking beneath recovery." Harsh words, but we hope they taste good - because Republican Marty sure is eating them right now. Last week he was taken into custody by Florida police on four counts of unlawful sexual activity with a juvenile and one count of the delivery of LSD. Yes, it turns out that Marty was doing his own bit to help the children of America by giving drugs and money to underage girls in exchange for sex. Fortunately, since Marty is so keen on people standing accountable, he probably doesn't mind that he's looking at seventy-five years in prison if he's convicted.

7

William Hague - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - It would appear that conservative idiocy is not just restricted to the USA. With a general election just weeks away, British Conservative Party leader William Hague is desperately trying to prevent his colleagues from ensuring an even more embarrassing defeat than they are already projected to receive. Just last week Foreign Secretary Robin Cook accused the Conservative Party of blatant racism after the East Yorkshire Member of Parliament John Townend claimed that immigrants were undermining the UK's "homogenous Anglo-Saxon society." William Hague himself has said that Britain would become a "foreign land" under a re-elected Labour government. Now, in a fabulously optimistic and not-at-all-transparent piece of spin, Hague has accused the Labor Party of playing the "race card"... by having the gall to mention that the Conservatives might be anti-immigrant. What a maroon.

8

The Secret Service - RETURN! Weeks on chart: 3 - You can always rely on the Secret Service for some dimwitted door-busting shenanigans. The latest tangle in a string of misuse-of-power incidents (see Idiots weeks 6 and 8) involves a Florida seamstress who was a little peeved about Allen Trovillion's recent and rancidly homophobic statements (see Idiots week 14). After hearing the State Rep.'s "God is going to destroy you" comments, Margaret Richards sent off an angry e-mail message to Trovillion suggesting a "firing squad'' would be too good for him. She forwarded copies of the e-mail to George W. Bush and to Jeb Bush. Surprise! It wasn't long before the SS showed up at her house, asking the 58 year-old mother of five the usual questions: Do you belong to any terrorist organizations? Are you stockpiling firearms? Have you spent any time in a mental institution? Then they took Richards' picture, persuaded her to sign a waiver giving them access to her medical records, and asked to search her home. Finally putting her foot down, Richards refused the search saying she was simply expressing her opinion as a voter when she wrote the e-mail. Incidentally, how did Allen "nutjob" Trovillion feel about all this? Well, he said he supports the decision of Secret Service agents to pursue the matter. One question though: since when did the SS's job description involve protecting State Representatives anyway?

9

Trent Lott and Thad Cochran - RETURN!/NEW! Weeks on chart: Lott 2/Cochran 1 - Last week the people of Mississippi went to the polls to decide whether to dump the old state flag - which includes the Confederate battle emblem - for a new, more inclusive flag. This was one of those moments rich with historic significance, in which the people of Mississippi had the opportunity to step boldly forward into the 21st century. Sadly, neither Trent nor Thad (nor any of the three Mississippi Repubs in the House, for that matter) had the guts to even declare a position on the issue. Thad punted, saying "I do hope my vote will serve the interests of the state." Meanwhile, Cowardly Trent turned tail and took a junket to Spain, where he wouldn't have to answer any flag-related questions. Talk about Profiles in Courage. (For those keeping score: 2 out of 3 Dems took a stand.)

10

Rev. Sun Myung Moon - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - And finally, last week Rev. Moon, cult leader and owner of the conservative Washington Times newspaper, participated in a Las Vegas event billed as a "stand against violence" in a community that has suffered a rash of gang-related homicides. According to the Las Vegas Review-Journal, Rev. Moon went off on a truly bizarre rant, telling the audience that homosexuals, childless couples, and people's misuse of their "love organs" are destroying society. "The head of [the male] love organ is shaped exactly like a poisonous rattlesnake," he said. "And just like a rattlesnake, it's always looking for a hole... If you misuse your love organ, you destroy life, your nation, and your world." It is no surprise to hear a conservative idiot like Moon blaming society's ills on gays and/or sex. But childless couples? I guess all that gang violence in Vegas would stop if we just did something about all those dastardly childless couples. See you next week!

 
« Week 14 All Weeks Week 16 »

Other popular nominees this week: George W. Bush, Fred Barnes, Karl Rove, Paul Weyrich, Mitch McConnell, Bob Barr. Dropping off the list: George W. Bush (2), Layton High School, Utah (3), Sean Hannity (4), David Jaye (5), Charlie Crist (6), Judge N. Sanders Sauls (7), Katherine Harris (8), Jerry Falwell (10).

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