The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (Week 16)
Dubious Downloads Edition
Looks like the conservatives are intent on rolling out at least one pervert
a week for the Top Ten - this week's scumbag is Parker J. Bena (1). Meanwhile,
Arnold Schwarzenegger (2) gropes his way back onto the chart, and Christie
Todd Whitman (3) gets stabbed in the back... again. Elsewhere, Jeb Bush
(5) returns with a fabulous scheme that's really going to fool everyone,
and the Media Research Center (8) have conniptions about that blasted
J. Bena - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - So
it looks like "Republican Marty" might have just been
the tip of the iceberg (see Idiots Week 15). Last week the fine,
upstanding Parker J. Bena - a Republican activist and one of last
year's presidential electors for Virginia - was arraigned on charges
of possesion of child pornography and lying to the FBI. Bena reportedly
told the feds that he had received an unsolicited e-mail containing
pictures of children (some as young as three years old) performing
various sexual acts, but agents learned that he had in fact voluntarily
entered a number of child pornography websites and downloaded the
images himself. We trust that this champion of traditional conservative
values will enjoy being on the receiving end of whatever it is they
do to child pornographers in prison these days.
Schwarzenegger - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 3 - The yawn-fest that is Arnold Schwarzenegger's
on-again-off-again love affair with the idea of running for Governor
of California is... off again. Last week the hunky Austrian pervert
announced that due to the importance of receiving a multi-million
dollar payoff for making "Terminator 3" he would sadly
not be available to serve the Californian public this time around.
Coincidentally, the announcement came just one day after Arnold
learned that the National Enquirer would be publishing front-page
allegations of his extramarital affair
with a mysterious 41-year-old brunette. A Schwarzenegger spokesperson
promptly came out with the tediously predictable announcement that
- surprise! - the allegations had nothing to do with his decision
not to run for office. Especially the allegation that the mystery
woman first had sex with Arnold when she was 16 (in the interests
of full disclosure - he would have been 28).
Todd Whitman - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 4 - How low can she go? Obviously rock
bottom is not good enough for the masochistic EPA chief. Perhaps
she's planning to retrieve our spy plane from China by tunneling
there. Whitman earned herself yet another horribly embarrassing
slap in the face from the Bush administration last week by appearing
on morning talk shows and announcing that a White House task force
will not recommend drilling in the ANWR. Um, not so fast,
Christie. Soon after her appearances the White House began to distance
itself from the comments, with Karl Rove saying that he was "mystified"
as to where her statements might have come from. In an additional
blow to Whitman's career, "friends" have started coming
out of the woodwork and saying things like "she's a team player"
and "she's in it for the long haul" - a sure sign that
a politician is in trouble. With odds already shrinking on Whitman
bailing out before the next one hundred days are over, perhaps it's
time that those friends mention something to her about the benefits
of trying to avoid looking like a complete ass.
W. Bush - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 12 - Dubya
must have been a bit miffed at his exclusion from last week's Idiots
list, because he obviously decided to make damn sure he'd get back
on this week. With Sino-American relations already strained, GW
appeared on ABC's "Good Morning America" and managed to
reverse 30 years of U.S. policy in a single spectacular brain-on-vacation
incident. Yes, America would do "whatever it took to help Taiwan
defend herself" against a Chinese attack, explained the soft-headed
one, clearly departing from the U.S.'s previously (and deliberately)
vague policy on the area. But in follow-up interviews a confused
Bush said that he "strongly supports the one-China policy,"
(the notion that Taiwan is not an independent country) while
simultaneously continuing with his hawkish military-action rhetoric.
Soon afterwards, Winston Lord, a former ambassador to China, explained
"It's pretty clear to me that this was inadvertent," and the White
House spin machine started spinning itself senseless. "The
president's words speak for themselves," said Ari Fleischer. "The
president said what he wanted to say... He took the position he
took because he believes in it. It's what the president believes."
So what is it that he believes exactly? No wonder Christie
Whitman is confused!
Bush - LAST WEEK: 2
Weeks on chart: 5 - A double whammy for Jeb this week.
First, he's come up with a cunning way to get out of the drilling-off-the-coast
of Florida predicament. It turns out that Jeb didn't mislead voters
when he promised them that George wouldn't drill off the coast of
Florida. Oh no no no. But see, George never said anything about
not drilling off the coast of Alabama did he? Aha! So it's
perfectly fine that the White House is considering a plan to allow
new oil and gas leases in the Gulf of Mexico off the coast of Alabama
- 30 miles from Pensacola, Florida. Next, Jeb decided to weigh in
on the Charlie Ward controversy. Ward, a New York Knicks guard,
said in a recent New York Times article that Jews are 'stubborn'
and persecute members of their own faith who become Christians.
Ward also happens to be the volunteer spokesman for Florida's "Born
to Read" program, and according to Jeb, his anti-semitic statements
are A-okay. He's "entitled to his opinion" said Bush.
(For your information, Katherine Harris also defended Ward, calling
him "an extraordinary role model for children.")
Limbaugh - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 5 - What's the matter Rush, feeling the
heat? The Prince of Lies, once a rabid Fox News fanatic, was last
week heard by one of our readers bashing Bill O'Reilly live on air.
It would appear that the Fat One is getting a little worried by
Bill's popularity among his right-wingnut listeners - and so he
should be. Once the reigning king of conservative crazies, Limbaugh
must now feel that O'Reilly is challenging him for the crown of
shame. But what exactly was El Nutbo's problem with O'Reilly? Our
reader reported Rush saying that the big difference between him
and Bill is that he "doesn't try to shove his opinion down
his listeners' throats." Zoinks!
Kay Bailey Hutchison - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - "Senate staff are compensated
for the purpose of assisting senators in their official legislative
and representational duties, and not for the purpose of performing
personal or other non-official activities." - so says the Senate
Ethics Manual. But now Kay Hutchison, the junior senator from Texas,
is causing a bit of a stir on Capitol Hill. It was alleged last
week that she is indeed using her staff for unofficial and personal
duties - duties which include chauffeuring her husband around town,
checking out the mall sales at Tyson's Corner, Virginia, and bringing
bagels and coffee to her home every morning and waiting on the doorstep
without knocking until the door is opened. In fact, a source in
her office reported that Hutchison threw a fit when a staffer showed
up one morning with bagels from Union Station and not from her favorite
bagel shop at Dupont Circle (halfway across town). However, it's
not the first time that Hutchison has been in trouble for this kind
of behavior - when she was Texas' state treasurer back in 1993,
several staffers publicly accused her of making them perform personal
tasks, and she was indicted by a grand jury for official misconduct
that same year. Guess old habits die hard...
Media Research Center - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - We hear from one of our readers that
the conservative Media Research Center (whose mission, they claim,
is "bringing political balance and responsibility to the media")
were having a good old moan about Matt Lauer last week. Apparently
while Lauer was interviewing George W. Bush he had the gall to say,
"So you can look me in the eye and say that you are a President
committed to cleaning up the environment?" Goodness, what a mean
thing to ask! But there's more: the MRC were also whining that CBS
"used Earth Day to allow unlabeled liberals to bash Bush's environmental
record." Our reader suggests that perhaps the junta should issue
armbands to everyone on the left for the purposes of identification
(and rounding up later). Finally, the MRC bashed Time magazine for
having its feature on greenhouse gasses "underminded"
by... a letter it printed from a reader who disagreed with the article.
C'mon Time, what were you thinking!
Horowitz - NEW! Weeks
on chart: 1 - Upon
hearing David Horowitz's pronouncement that "campus censors are
on the run," after Horowitz reported that only 14 of 48 liberal
colleges ran his infamous "reparations" ad, David Mazel
of Salon tried a little experiment. Suspicious of conservative pundits
who were espousing conservative colleges as champions of the First
Amendment, Mazel sent an pro-choice advertisment to twelve conservative
colleges. The ad claimed that "God Is An Abortionist"
and contained two biblical quotations which backed up the theory.
Surprise! Only one of the colleges agreed to run the ad - the other
eleven refused for a variety of reasons. Mazel reports that things
are looking up though. Apparently David Horowitz has claimed that
he will continue to fight "until American campuses are rendered
safe ... for expressing different points of view." And you
can be sure he'll include all the conservative campuses. Right?
DeGrow - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - And
finally... Dan DeGrow, Michigan's State Senate Majority Leader,
is really quite upset about David Jaye and his various booze/violence
issues (see Idiots week 15). So much so that he's setting up a special
committee to have Jaye expelled from the State Senate. Which is
all well and good. But DeGrow had this rather odd comment on Jaye's
drunken assault and subsequent arrest: "Maybe thirty years
ago it was okay to drive drunk and slap a woman and do other things...
In 2001, it's not OK." Um, excuse us, but was it okay
to slap women thirty years ago? I mean, we know it was okay to drive
drunk because President Bush and Vice President Cheney did it, so,
you know, it must have been okay. But I guess we weren't aware of
the slapping women thing. Wow, you learn something new every day!
See you next week!
Other popular nominees this week: Tim Russert, Dick Cheney, Donald
Rumsfeld, Ari Fleischer, Sen. Gordon Smith, Karen Hughes, Joe Allbaugh.
Dropping off the list: Pat Robertson (1), Allen Trovillion (3),
Ken Starr (4), Dick Cheney (5), "Republican Marty" (6), William
Hague (7), The Secret Service (8), Trent Lott and Thad Cochran (9), Rev.
Sun Myung Moon (10).
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