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The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 14)
April 17, 2001
God is Going to Destroy You Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're a day late - but all of you who wrote wondering where the list went can breathe a sigh of relief because... your weekly fix of conservative idiocy is back! We're evenly spread between new and old faces this week, with five Top Ten novices and five returning alumni. Allen Trovillion (1) weighs in with his prediction of the final score in "God vs. Homosexuals," George W. Bush (2) is back after coming dead last in his family's traditional Easter Spine Hunt (again), and Sean Hannity (4) has a deep respect for all things hypocritical - surprise! Meanwhile Dick Cheney (9) struggles back onto the chart after an absence of several weeks, and Jerry Falwell (10) is very concerned about AIDS - but not in public.

1

Allen Trovillion - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - From the Tampa Tribune: Gay students looking for potential sponsors for The Florida Dignity for All Students Act which would broaden Florida's antidiscrimination laws to include sexual orientation and gender identity, were welcomed into the office of Florida State Representative Allen Trovillion last week only to receive this cheery message: "God is going to destroy you." The upbeat and ragingly homophobic Mr. Trovillion continued: "I don't understand why the gay population is becoming so vocal. You are going to cause the downfall of this country that was built on Christian principles." After hearing stories of how students were beaten because of their sexual orientation, Trovillion remained unconvinced, saying "You have to suffer the consequences of your actions." We hear that later that day, Allen Trovillion stoned his wife to death after discovering that she had been coveting his neighbor's donkey. "She had to suffer the consequences of her own actions," he said.

2

George W. Bush - RETURN! Weeks on chart: 11 - After failing to crack last week's top ten, GW is back. The Coward in Chief was apparently so worried about his personal safety that he ordered the frisking of children attending the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. In addition, this year's invitation to the event carried an explicit security warning, just in case anyone was considering bringing along "Guns/Ammunition, Knives with blades over 3 inches, Mace, Nunchuks, Electric stun guns," and, er, "Balloons." But come on. Nunchuks? What's up with that? Who is seriously going to consider bringing nunchuks to the White House Easter Egg Roll for heaven's sake? Are they expecting the Three frickin' Ninjas to show up? "Well we were going to go to the Easter Egg Roll, but little Jimmy so wanted to bring his nunchuks, and it says right here on the ticket that they're not allowed, so I guess we'll have to give it a miss this year." Good grief.

3

Layton High School, Utah - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - Utah's House Majority Leader Kevin Garn was more than a little embarrased after his son Talmage was disqualified from Layton High School student elections. Talmage's heinous crime was to perform an assembly skit in which he dressed as a green dinosaur and won over another male student (dressed as an ace of hearts) with his pre-election rhetoric. Funny stuff, eh? Anyway, all was going well until the skit ended with the playing card, so enthused by the speech, attempting to kiss Talmage. Whoops. A committee of students and advisers promptly decided to disqualify Talmage from the elections, telling him the fake kiss had "homosexual innuendoes" and his costume was "vulgar." And considering that you have to suffer the consequences of your actions, Allen Trovillion was later heard to suggest that a suitable punishment for Talmage might be "a good beating."

4

Sean Hannity - RETURN! Weeks on chart: 2 - Regular readers of the Top Ten Conservative Idiots may recall that way back in Week 4 Sean Hannity earned the number eight spot for his spirited salute to Rudy Giuliani's "character and integrity," extra-marital affairs nothwithstanding. Well, it seems that The Hairhat is at it again - on his New York radio show last week he was heard brown-nosing that other bastion of conservative character and integrity, Henry Hyde. Lest we forget, Henry "youthful indiscretion" Hyde had a seven year affair with a married woman, presided over the collapse of a Savings & Loan bank (costing taxpayers about $68 million), and hired private detectives to spy on reporters who were investigating him. Respect is due!

5

David Jaye - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - This Michigan State Senator has built his illustrious political career by getting tough on crime. According to the Detroit News, in 1997 he advocated a number of prison reforms, such as chain gangs for low-risk prisoners and requiring prisoners "generate their own electricity by pedaling bikes/generators." And for prisoners "trying to kill each other," he thought a do-not-resuscitate order was just what the doctor ordered. So imagine our surprise when Senator Jaye was arrested last week and held in a Florida county jail on charges he assaulted his fiancee. Turns out this isn't his first run-in with the law. He has twice served time for drunk driving, and narrowly excaped another conviction after a witness saw him shoving and kicking his fiancee at a Michigan gas station. (The arresting officer forgot to read him his Miranda rights.) Jaye's behavior is no shock to many conservatives, who have illustrated time and again that they don't consider domestic violence or DUI to be real crimes. Jaye himself opposed state funding for domestic abuse shelters, arguing that they discriminate by sex. Heck, even the president and vice president have been caught driving drunk. So it must be okay!

6

Charlie Crist - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - Charlie Crist is the Florida Education Commissioner, and a very fine and learned man he is too. Why, it was just last week that he sent a two page letter to Florida newpapers and broadcasters criticizing a play sponsored by Florida Atlantic University. The play tells the story of a Christ-like, gay young man who grows up in modern-day Texas. In an interview, Crist said: " I've been hearing so much about it over the past few weeks I read the play myself. It's appalling. And we used tax dollars to do it!" Florida Atlantic University confirmed that the money to produce the play did indeed come from student government and an arts fund, all $600 of it. University President James Catanese defended the play, saying: "The faculty of the Theater Department made the decision to stage this play under the principles of academic freedom that have been a bulwark of higher education." Fair enough? Not for Crist, who went back on the attack, suggesting that "Of course 'academic freedom' is the final refuge in which professors hide when confronted with the absurdity and arrogance of their decision." Damn that academic freedom! We hear that upon learning of the situation, Allen Trovillion immediately vowed to pass a law which would limit 'academic freedom' when combined with specific instances of "blatant gayness."

7

Judge N. Sanders Sauls - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - The not-so-honorable N. Sanders Sauls was the judge who dismissed Al Gore's case for recounting the ballots in Miami-Dade, forcing him to go to the State Supreme Court. We were so sure that Judge Sauls based his decision on sound legal precedent and not out of some kind of hatred for all things Democratic - after all, the guy's a judge, right? And judges are impartial, right? I mean, you don't get to rule on important legal decisions like "who's going to be the next President" if you're some kind of partisan hack, right? So imagine our surprise when we discovered last week that Judge Sauls was going to be a guest speaker at a rally organized by none other than the South Carolina Chapter of FreeRepublic.com. Why, how very unbiased of him! We're sure he'll be having a good old laugh at the Democrats' expense with the rally's other guest speaker - Katherine Harris. For your information, the rally is nauseatingly titled "Celebrating America, Our Constitution and the Rule of Law."

8

Katherine Harris - RETURN! Weeks on chart: 4 - Speaking of Katherine Harris: Last week the Dragon Lady was spotted continuing desperate attempts to cash in on her infamous partisanship/make-up-as-mural, this time being presented with a key to the city of Lake Wales, Florida. Lake Wales is in Polk County, where Harris grew up, and civic leader Mimi Hardman was quoted as saying, "Katherine is a wonderful product of our Polk County public schools, and she's represented Florida so well." Hey, if you're happy with a gutless election-fixer representing Florida, then that's up to you Ms. Hardman. And what a wonderful advertisment for the Polk County public school system!

9

Dick Cheney - RETURN! Weeks on chart: 5 - Dick was out and about last week making comments on a variety of topics from tax cuts to his environmental record ("I think I'm a pretty good environmentalist"). But the one that caught our eye was his take on the Miami Herald's blatantly skewed ballot report on "Meet The Press." Cheney: "I think it's been resolved. I think, you know, we won Election Night. We won the recounts. We won the manual recounts. Ultimately, of course, the Supreme Court had to make a decision. Now, all of these efforts under way to go back and sort of pray over the ballots one more time seem to produce the same result we got on Election Night. So I think the matter's resolved, and we ought to get on with our business." Good effort, Dick, but there are a couple of factually incorrect comments in your statement. First, you didn't win on election night (where did that come from?) Second, you stopped the recounts from being completed (I guess you could call that a "win"). Third, you can go ahead and make facetious comments about praying over ballots if you want, provided you bear in mind that it makes you look like a contemptible ass. Oh wait, we're supposed to be just shutting up and getting over it, aren't we?

10

Jerry Falwell - RETURN! Weeks on chart: 2 - And finally, how big-hearted is Reverend Jerry Falwell? When he found out that his cousin Brett Beasley was HIV-positive last year, Falwell sent an e-mail expressing his "total support for Brett in praying for his healing and in administering any counseling or other help we are capable of providing." Thinking that the Reverend was actually serious, Beasley suggested that Falwell publicly acknowledge his illness to help raise awareness of AIDS. But alas, Jerry declined. His excuse? Well obviously: "God would not be pleased with this." How convenient. In a related story, Allen Trovillion announced that he too would be praying for Brett Beasley. Sorry, I mean he would be for flaying Brett Beasley. See you next week!

 
« Week 13 All Weeks Week 15 »

Other popular nominees this week: William Kristol, Rush Limbaugh, Mitch McConnell (again), Jim Gilmore, Chris Matthews. Dropping off the list: Ann M. Veneman (1), Dan Burton (2), Condoleeza Rice (3), Dr. Robert Cline (4), Fox News (5), Dr. Laura Schlessinger (6), Scott Stewart (7), Rudy Giuliani (8), Mike Foster and the Louisiana State Senate (9), Arnold Schwarzenegger (10).

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