The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (Week 14)
God is Going to Destroy You Edition
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're a day late - but all of you who wrote wondering
where the list went can breathe a sigh of relief because... your weekly
fix of conservative idiocy is back! We're evenly spread between new and
old faces this week, with five Top Ten novices and five returning alumni.
Allen Trovillion (1) weighs in with his prediction of the final score
in "God vs. Homosexuals," George W. Bush (2) is back after coming
dead last in his family's traditional Easter Spine Hunt (again), and Sean
Hannity (4) has a deep respect for all things hypocritical - surprise!
Meanwhile Dick Cheney (9) struggles back onto the chart after an absence
of several weeks, and Jerry Falwell (10) is very concerned about AIDS
- but not in public.
Trovillion - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - From
the Tampa Tribune: Gay students looking for potential sponsors for
The Florida Dignity for All Students Act which would broaden Florida's
antidiscrimination laws to include sexual orientation and gender
identity, were welcomed into the office of Florida
State Representative Allen Trovillion last week only to receive
this cheery message: "God is going to destroy you." The
upbeat and ragingly homophobic Mr. Trovillion continued: "I
don't understand why the gay population is becoming so vocal. You
are going to cause the downfall of this country that was built on
Christian principles." After hearing stories of how students
were beaten because of their sexual orientation, Trovillion remained
unconvinced, saying "You have to suffer the consequences of
your actions." We hear that later that day, Allen Trovillion
stoned his wife to death after discovering that she had been coveting
his neighbor's donkey. "She had to suffer the consequences
of her own actions," he said.
W. Bush - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 11 - After failing to crack last week's
top ten, GW is back. The Coward in Chief was apparently so worried
about his personal safety that he ordered the frisking of children
attending the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. In addition, this
year's invitation to the event carried an explicit security warning,
just in case anyone was considering bringing along "Guns/Ammunition,
Knives with blades over 3 inches, Mace, Nunchuks, Electric stun
guns," and, er, "Balloons." But come on. Nunchuks?
What's up with that? Who is seriously going to consider bringing
nunchuks to the White House Easter Egg Roll for heaven's
sake? Are they expecting the Three frickin' Ninjas to show up? "Well
we were going to go to the Easter Egg Roll, but little Jimmy
so wanted to bring his nunchuks, and it says right here on
the ticket that they're not allowed, so I guess we'll have to give
it a miss this year." Good grief.
High School, Utah - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - Utah's House Majority Leader Kevin
Garn was more than a little embarrased after his son Talmage was
disqualified from Layton High School student elections. Talmage's
heinous crime was to perform an assembly skit in which he dressed
as a green dinosaur and won over another male student (dressed as
an ace of hearts) with his pre-election rhetoric. Funny stuff, eh?
Anyway, all was going well until the skit ended with the playing
card, so enthused by the speech, attempting to kiss Talmage. Whoops.
A committee of students and advisers promptly decided to disqualify
Talmage from the elections, telling him the fake kiss had "homosexual
innuendoes" and his costume was "vulgar." And considering
that you have to suffer the consequences of your actions, Allen
Trovillion was later heard to suggest that a suitable punishment
for Talmage might be "a good beating."
Hannity - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 2 - Regular
readers of the Top Ten Conservative Idiots may recall that way back
in Week 4 Sean Hannity earned the number eight spot for his spirited
salute to Rudy Giuliani's "character and integrity," extra-marital
affairs nothwithstanding. Well, it seems that The Hairhat is at
it again - on his New York radio show last week he was heard brown-nosing
that other bastion of conservative character and integrity, Henry
Hyde. Lest we forget, Henry "youthful indiscretion" Hyde
had a seven year affair with a married woman, presided over the
collapse of a Savings & Loan bank (costing taxpayers about $68 million),
and hired private detectives to spy on reporters who were investigating
him. Respect is due!
Jaye - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - This Michigan State Senator has built
his illustrious political career by getting tough on crime. According
to the Detroit News, in 1997 he advocated a number of prison reforms,
such as chain gangs for low-risk prisoners and requiring prisoners
"generate their own electricity by pedaling bikes/generators." And
for prisoners "trying to kill each other," he thought a do-not-resuscitate
order was just what the doctor ordered. So imagine our surprise
when Senator Jaye was arrested last week and held in a Florida county
jail on charges he assaulted his fiancee. Turns out this isn't his
first run-in with the law. He has twice served time for drunk driving,
and narrowly excaped another conviction after a witness saw him
shoving and kicking his fiancee at a Michigan gas station. (The
arresting officer forgot to read him his Miranda rights.) Jaye's
behavior is no shock to many conservatives, who have illustrated
time and again that they don't consider domestic violence or DUI
to be real crimes. Jaye himself opposed state funding for
domestic abuse shelters, arguing that they discriminate by sex.
Heck, even the president and vice president have been caught driving
drunk. So it must be okay!
Crist - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - Charlie
Crist is the Florida Education Commissioner, and a very fine and
learned man he is too. Why, it was just last week that he sent a
two page letter to Florida newpapers and broadcasters
criticizing a play sponsored by Florida Atlantic University. The
play tells the story of a Christ-like, gay young man who grows up
in modern-day Texas. In an interview, Crist said: " I've been
hearing so much about it over the past few weeks I read the play
myself. It's appalling. And we used tax dollars to do it!"
Florida Atlantic University confirmed that the money to produce
the play did indeed come from student government and an arts fund,
all $600 of it. University President James Catanese defended the
play, saying: "The faculty of the Theater Department made the decision
to stage this play under the principles of academic freedom that
have been a bulwark of higher education." Fair enough? Not for Crist,
who went back on the attack, suggesting that "Of course 'academic
freedom' is the final refuge in which professors hide when confronted
with the absurdity and arrogance of their decision." Damn
that academic freedom! We hear that upon learning of the situation,
Allen Trovillion immediately vowed to pass a law which would limit
'academic freedom' when combined with specific instances of "blatant
N. Sanders Sauls - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - The not-so-honorable N. Sanders Sauls
was the judge who dismissed Al Gore's case for recounting the ballots
in Miami-Dade, forcing him to go to the State Supreme Court. We
were so sure that Judge Sauls based his decision on sound legal
precedent and not out of some kind of hatred for all things Democratic
- after all, the guy's a judge, right? And judges are impartial,
right? I mean, you don't get to rule on important legal decisions
like "who's going to be the next President" if you're
some kind of partisan hack, right? So imagine our surprise when
we discovered last week that Judge Sauls was going to be a guest
speaker at a rally organized by none other than the South Carolina
Chapter of FreeRepublic.com. Why, how very unbiased of him! We're
sure he'll be having a good old laugh at the Democrats' expense
with the rally's other guest speaker - Katherine Harris. For your
information, the rally is nauseatingly titled "Celebrating
America, Our Constitution and the Rule of Law."
Harris - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 4 - Speaking of Katherine Harris: Last
week the Dragon Lady was spotted continuing desperate attempts to
cash in on her infamous partisanship/make-up-as-mural, this time
being presented with a key to the city of Lake Wales, Florida. Lake
Wales is in Polk County, where Harris grew up, and civic leader
Mimi Hardman was quoted as saying, "Katherine is a wonderful product
of our Polk County public schools, and she's represented Florida
so well." Hey, if you're happy with a gutless election-fixer
representing Florida, then that's up to you Ms. Hardman. And what
a wonderful advertisment for the Polk County public school system!
Cheney - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 5 - Dick
was out and about last week making comments on a variety of topics
from tax cuts to his environmental record ("I think I'm a pretty
good environmentalist"). But the one that caught our eye was
his take on the Miami Herald's blatantly skewed ballot report on
"Meet The Press." Cheney: "I think it's been resolved.
I think, you know, we won Election Night. We won the recounts. We
won the manual recounts. Ultimately, of course, the Supreme Court
had to make a decision. Now, all of these efforts under way to go
back and sort of pray over the ballots one more time seem to produce
the same result we got on Election Night. So I think the matter's
resolved, and we ought to get on with our business." Good effort,
Dick, but there are a couple of factually incorrect comments in
your statement. First, you didn't win on election night (where did
that come from?) Second, you stopped the recounts from being
completed (I guess you could call that a "win"). Third,
you can go ahead and make facetious comments about praying over
ballots if you want, provided you bear in mind that it makes you
look like a contemptible ass. Oh wait, we're supposed to be just
shutting up and getting over it, aren't we?
Falwell - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 2 - And finally, how big-hearted is Reverend
Jerry Falwell? When he found out that his cousin Brett Beasley was
HIV-positive last year, Falwell sent an e-mail expressing his "total
support for Brett in praying for his healing and in administering
any counseling or other help we are capable of providing." Thinking
that the Reverend was actually serious, Beasley suggested that Falwell
publicly acknowledge his illness to help raise awareness of AIDS.
But alas, Jerry declined. His excuse? Well obviously: "God
would not be pleased with this." How convenient. In a related
story, Allen Trovillion announced that he too would be praying for
Brett Beasley. Sorry, I mean he would be for flaying Brett
Beasley. See you next week!
Other popular nominees this week: William Kristol, Rush Limbaugh,
Mitch McConnell (again), Jim Gilmore, Chris Matthews. Dropping off
the list: Ann M. Veneman (1), Dan Burton (2), Condoleeza Rice (3),
Dr. Robert Cline (4), Fox News (5), Dr. Laura Schlessinger (6), Scott
Stewart (7), Rudy Giuliani (8), Mike Foster and the Louisiana State Senate
(9), Arnold Schwarzenegger (10).
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