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The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 27)
July
16, 2001
Patriotically Challenged Edition
Hello and welcome to the new-look Top Ten Conservative Idiots!
To help you keep even better tabs on what those silly conservatives
are up to, we now have a brand new "idiocy-at-a-glance"
icon system. To find out what the symbols mean, either place
your mouse pointer over the icon, or click here
to see the key. But although the page layout has changed,
the idiots have not. The Salvation Army (1) are doing their
utmost to support the Bush administration's new "faith-based
discrimination" program, while Ari Fleischer (2) and
Trent Lott (3) give us some insight into why the GOP isn't
doing too well with black voters. George W. Bush (4) makes
yet another appearance on the list with a stirring display
of patriotism, and Dick Cheney (5) wins the Brown Nose Of
The Week Award. Further down the list, Michael Bloomberg (7)
decides to slum it with the masses, um, except not really,
and Jeb Bush (10) feels the wrath of Poppy. Enjoy!
 The
Salvation Army 
The Salvation Army wants to discriminate against homosexuals
- and it looks like the Bush administration is more than willing
to help out. Last week an internal document revealed that
the White House made a "firm commitment" to protect
the Salvation Army from state and local employment regulations
which would prevent their discriminatory hiring practices.
And what does the White House get in return? Nothing less
than the Sally Army hiring lobbyists and spending up to $110,000
a month (have you donated lately?) to promote Bush's "faith-based
initiative," the program that funnels taxpayers' money
to religious organizations. Can you say quid pro quo? Don't
worry though, we're sure that the Salvation Army will do their
absolute best to make sure that gays' tax money will be excluded
from any "faith-based initiative" handout they might
receive. Unless of course they're homophobic and woefully
inconsistent.
 Ari
Fleischer
The
Bush administration was blasted by the NAACP last week after
George W. Bush declined to speak at the group's 92nd annual
convention, citing scheduling difficulties and "an unusual
sensation of anxiety when in the presence of black people."*
So it was left to spinmaster Ari Fleischer to start yanking
on the damage control levers. Sadly,
Ari is becoming shamelessly predictable these days. "The
comments made by Mr. Bond are another reminder of why the
tone in Washington needs to be changed," said the man
who made up a story about the White House being vandalized
and tried to pass it off as the truth. "Those remarks
were not made under Kweisi Mfume's leadership, when Kweisi
Mfume was president of the NAACP." Whoops!
Kweisi Mfume still is the president of the NAACP. Glad
to see you're paying attention, Ari. Although to be fair,
folks, if your boss was George W. Bush, you'd probably
get all confused about who is and isn't president of stuff
too.
 Trent
Lott
Ah, those compassionate conservatives and their poorly-veiled
threats. First it was Florida Republican Party chairman Al
C�rdenas with a suggestion that the GOP should attempt to
destroy blacks' credibility (see Idiots Week 26). Now we hear
that Trent Lott has weighed in with his own solution. Last
week the Senate Minority Leader called for the IRS to audit
the NAACP, on the grounds that "They were acting totally
as an arm of the Democratic National Committee in a totally
vicious, inaccurate television ad." Aaawww, did they
say nasty things about Georgie? Perhaps,
in light of Trent's efforts, we should change the First Amendment
to read: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment
of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or
abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right
of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government
for a redress of grievances. Unless of course you say mean
things about George W. Bush, even if it's the truth. Because
if you do, Congress reserves the right to sic the IRS on your
black ass.
 George
W. Bush
Start spreading the news! George W. Bush arrived in New York
last week and headed straight for the place he is most popular
- Ellis Island, where his approval rating among seagulls is
through the roof. Bush had some locals (shipped in from Jersey?)
worried until he remembered to pull out that hall-of-fame
cliche, "I love New York," at which point they assumed
everything was as it should be and waved their little American
flags. Bush was on Ellis Island to welcome a group of new
immigrants to the United States, and all went well until it
was time to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Okay, I'm going
to stop here for a second and ask a question which has been
nagging at me for a few days now... how on earth can the
(so-called) President of the United States mess up the Pledge
of Allegiance? I mean, it's not that hard is it?
"Right hand up please," said Bush, holding up his
right hand and obviously forgetting that they weren't all
taking the Oath of Office (another possibility: daydreaming
about the Third Reich), and as the confused immigrants cast
glances at one another, Bush realized his error. "Actually
right hand on your heart," he mumbled, pulling off the
most graceless presidential moment since his father painted
the Japanese Prime Minister an interesting new shade of vomit.
 Dick
Cheney
Last week, the New York Times reported Dick Cheney's thoughts
on George W. Bush's handout for the rich. In a staggering
display of conservative denial, Cheney said that the tax cut
was the "best-timed dose of fiscal medicine the economy
has ever received." Um, best-timed dose of fiscal medicine
your wallet has ever received, surely. Meanwhile, Democrats
warned that the tax cut had made it "virtually impossible
to increase military spending significantly without slashing
other programs or dipping into surplus Medicare funds."
So what's it going to be, Dick? A massive corporate welfare
program for Lockheed-Martin, or taking care of poor senior
citizens? My guess: Screw you, Granny!
 House
Republicans
So, farewell, Campaign Finance Reform - for now. Due to
the House GOP leadership's complicated parlimentary rules
under which the Shays-Meehan bill was to be debated,
it was almost a certainity that Campaign Finance Reform would
have been rejected for good. So last week House Democrats
and moderate Republicans had no choice but to vote against
the proposed ground rules, thus preventing the bill from reaching
the floor, and shelving it until later in the year. GOP leaders
were embarrassed that the rare defeat of a procedural measure
had failed to kill the bill, and started pointing fingers.
First, Dennis Hastert accused Dick Gephardt of trying to "scuttle"
the bill, while Dick Armey called co-sponsor Christopher Shays
"unreasonable" and "arrogant." Later,
Jim Gilmore was quoted as saying, "Today, Democrats voted
against Campaign Finance Reform and Republicans voted for
it," and Mitch McConnell chimed in with, "Reformers
killed reform." Now I'm totally confused. So Democrats
and moderate Republicans, who refused to allow the GOP to
kill Campaign Finance Reform, are against it, but Republicans
who've spent the last six months going around kicking Campaign
Finance Reform like a bag of flaming dog poop are actually
for it? Welcome to conservative bizarro-world!
 Michael
Bloomberg
Long
Island Newsday reports that New York businessman Michael
Bloomberg leaped aboard the environmental bandwagon last week,
claiming that if elected mayor he would use mass transit at
least once every day, rather than a city car - one of several
proposals to unclog city streets and protect pedestrians.
What an honorable, honorable thing to do. It only took a couple
hours for him to realize the full horror of what he'd done
though, because later that day a Bloomberg spokesperson announced
that "although taxis are not considered mass transit,
they fall under the purview of the mayor's office, which regulates
the industry through the Taxi and Limousine Commision."
Ha ha!
 Mitt
Romney
Mitt Romney is the President of the Winter Olympics Salt Lake
Organizing Committee, and when he ran as a Republican against
Ted Kennedy in 1994, he was solidly pro-choice. But now he's
considering his political prospects in Utah, and surprise!
Mitt Romney is suddenly pro-life. Not only that, but apparently
he's always been pro-life, believe it or not. So how
does Romney explain this? Well, with lots and lots of waffle.
In a recent letter to the Salt Lake Tribune, he wrote,
"I do not wish to be labeled pro-choice," and it
has also been reported that it "upset him to be characterized
as pro-choice." That's funny, because in 1994 a Romney
spokesperson told the Boston Globe that there were only "tiny
nuances" between his and Ted Kennedy's abortion stances. So,
voters of Utah, what do you think of Mitt Romney's stand on
the issues? Confusing? Let me guess - you'll vote for him
anyway.
 Ronald
Reagan
You
know, that Ronald Reagan was one sneaky old dude. A law enacted
after the Watergate scandal meant that 68,000 papers from
his presidential tenure were due to be released earlier this
year. But six months after the papers were scheduled for release,
they're still locked away in the dark dungeons of the Ronald
Reagan Presidential Library. Why is this? Well, last week
it was reported that just days before he left office in 1989,
Reagan quietly signed an executive order requiring the National
Archives and Records Administration to notify the sitting
president of any pending release of documents from previous
adminstrations, and to give the White House time to review
the papers. And we all know what he meant by review, don't
we - hint: it involves a LOT of whiteout. Of course, the six
month delay has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that
half of the Bush administration worked for Reagan, and don't
want the world to know what they were up to during the 80's.
No sir. It's funny really, you'd think that the GOP would
be jumping to release the papers. After all, surely they'll
prove just how innocent everyone involved in Iran/Contra really
was, right?
 Jeb
Bush
And
finally, poor Jeb Bush was injured during an unfortunate boating
mishap last week, which involved two boats, his father, and
his middle finger. The Bush clan were in Maine last week to
celebrate George's birthday, and despite the family's insistence
that they're not mad at Jebby any more for almost losing Florida
(and by the way Mr. Oh I've Recused Myself, don't think for
a second that anyone buys your bullshit about not
having a clue who made all those phone calls from your office
to various members of the Bush campaign during the recount),
Poppy Bush suspiciously reversed his boat into Jeb's, sandwiching
Jeb's middle finger between the two. Thankfully though, despite
the injury, Jeb still managed to give a metaphorical
middle finger - to all the unfortunate folks who couldn't
spend the weekend dicking around in boats at a millionaire's
retreat because they were too busy working a second job to
pay off their credit card bills. See you next week!
*Note:
For those of you not paying attention, this quote is satire.
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