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The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 26)
July 9, 2001
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Top 10 Conservative Idiots

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Ladies and gentlemen, here once again for your entertainment and amusement, it's the one, the only, Top Ten Conservative Idiots! Plenty of action this week as conservatives from across America jockey for position on the board. Coming in at number one is our old friend and favorite crybaby George W. Bush, reclaiming the top slot after missing out completely last week. In at number two is the fabulous North Dakota Chamber of Commerce, soon to be... the Dakota Chamber of Commerce? And returning to number three are the always unbiased Fox News with a stirring homage to fairness and balance. Elsewhere, J. D. Hayworth (6) makes the list for the second time in three weeks (go J. D.!) and John Ashcroft (7) is doing his very best to unforce America's gun laws. Of course, I mean "enforce." My bad. So what are you waiting for? Read on!


George W. Bush - RETURN! Weeks on chart: 19 - Poor George. Obviously being president isn't as much fun as his daddy's friends told him it was going to be. Last week, Consortium News reported that "George W. Bush has begun telling his followers that he is ready to 'go back to Crawford' if he doesn't get his way on his conservative policies." Yep, it would appear that when the going gets tough, the tough start whining. Obviously this kind of behavior puts George right up there with some of the country's great presidents. Surely everyone remembers FDR's famous, "The only thing we have to fear is running out of toilet paper at Camp David." Or John F. Kennedy's, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do to get out of speaking at the NAACP convention." But perhaps the quote which George W. Bush should really pay attention to is this one from Abraham Lincoln: "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." Now what time does the next bus leave for Crawford?


North Dakota Chamber of Commerce - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - When you think of endless, windswept prairies and impassable snowdrifts, you think of North Dakota. And when you think of sun-drenched beaches and palm trees gently wafting in the breeze, you think of... Dakota? Not exactly, but the North Dakota Chamber of Commerce thinks that dropping "North" will improve the state's image and encourage tourism. Everyone else thinks it's a dumb idea. Can you picture the scene? [Man, flipping through a brochure] "Hey honey, here's a place I've never heard of before - Dakota! Perhaps we should go there on vacation this year..." [Upon arrival] "Wait a second, this is NORTH Dakota! Dadburn it, we've been had!"


FOX News - RETURN! Weeks on chart: 3 - Perennial idiots FOX News return this week as a fascinating report reveals that as far as FOX is concerned, "Fair and Balanced" actually means "Conservative White Male Republicans." Not that that's news to most people, but the evidence is clear. Apparently of the 56 partisan guests on Special Report with Brit Hume between January and May, 50 were Republicans. That's 89 percent. In addition, of the 92 total guests on Special Report between January and May, 91 percent were male and 93 percent were white. Fair and balanced - conservative style. Perhaps FOX News should change their slogan from "We Report, You Decide," to, "Close Your Eyes, Put Your Hands Over Your Ears, And Shout La La La La La!" Just a thought.


George Argyros - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - Following in the footsteps of Top Ten alumnus Elliot Abrams (see Idiots Week 25) comes another lucky beneficiary of George W. Bush's jobs program for scumbags. This time it's George Argyros, a Newport Beach billionaire who is the administration's pick for ambassador to Spain. Agryos owns nearly 5,000 apartments in Orange County, CA, which he rents to poor and middle-class tenants, and a recent OC Weekly investigation discovered some very interesting information about his business practices. For example, you might be particularly keen to know that he "rewarded employees with bonuses for illegally withholding security deposits, overcharging tenants for apartment repairs and billing tenants for imaginary expenses," not to mention "reprimanded employees when they did not defraud tenants," and let's not forget how he "angrily complained to top managers on at least two occasions that they were not sufficiently padding tenant charges." Sounds like a real gentleman. But the burning question is: What are Argyros's qualifications for an ambassadorial role? Duh! He raised $50 million for Bush's presidential campaign, of course. The White House apparently "reviewed the backgrounds of all ambassadorial nominees and was satisfied." I bet they were.


Americans For Tax Reform - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - Okay, hands up who thought that George W. Bush could deliver a $1.6 trillion tax cut AND not delve into Social Security and Medicare funds like he promised? Anyone? Anyone? Well obviously the 50 million Americans who voted for him thought that he could - and now they must be feeling a little silly. Current opinion is that the budget surplus will be soon be gone, and when it is - look out Medicare. So what's the solution? Repeal the irresponsible tax cut? Well according to the group "Americans For Tax Reform" the answer is simple - MORE tax cuts! Yes, the group, headed by Grover Norquist, began lobbying for greater tax relief last week, complaining that Bush's annihilation of America's carefully nurtured budget surplus just doesn't go far enough, damnit. We must have MORE deficits!


J. D. Hayworth - RETURN! Weeks on chart: 2 - The portly Arizona Congressman appeared on CNBC's Geraldo last week, reported one of our readers. Being the red-faced blowhard that he is, J. D. had no problem launching into Geraldo for daring to suggest that Dick Cheney's doctors were making light of his health problems. Rep. Haystack went on to accuse a confused Geraldo of having a "death wish" for Cheney. Steady on there, J. D.! Perhaps you'd better stop worrying about what Dick Cheney's doctors are saying to him, and start worrying about what your doctors should be saying to you. Eh, cheeseburger-boy?


John Ashcroft - RETURN! Weeks on chart: 6 - We already have over 10,000 gun laws on the books, what we need is better enforcement of those laws! And here's a fantastic idea from Attorney General John Ashcroft which will surely increase the FBI's ability to do just that - cut the time that they can hold background check information from 180 days to, um... one day. That's sure to help the FBI catch fraudulent transactions and mistakes. Yes folks, it's all part of the NRA's plan to make this country a safer place. Isn't it good to see that all the money they spent on GOP campaigns last year isn't going to waste?


The Associated Press - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - Thanks to our good friends at Buzzflash for this one: On the face of it, the AP report on the day Dick Cheney returned to work was pretty standard. "After meeting with President Bush on Monday morning, Cheney was fielding energy questions from reporters in at least three radio interviews and sitting down with staff members to discuss a range of policy issues, said spokeswoman Juleanna Glover Weiss." But here's the kicker: the AP report which appeared on was timed at 1:26am - a full six hours before Cheney was due to show up at work. Buzzflash contacted the Associated Press, only to be told that the Washington Post must have gotten the time wrong. Funny that Yahoo News and Newsday also managed to time the reports incorrectly as well - coincidentally at 1:26am. So what are we to make of this? Well, either a) the White House is just inventing stories which the AP are then generously publishing verbatim, or b) the Associated Press are in possession of a plutonium-powered DeLorean which will travel through time when it hits 88mph. Hmm... we'll keep you posted on this one...


Al Cárdenas - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - Florida Republican Party chairman Al Cárdenas was spreading the love around last week, appearing in the Weekly Standard to denounce the credibility of the African-American leadership. "We need to call into question the African-American leaders and what they're saying,'' Cárdenas announced. "If we don't do that, [voters are] going to take the Democrats' and the African-American leadership's word for it. The only way we break that cycle is to call into question the credibility of those who are parlaying that message." Yes, we wouldn't want voters to think that African-Americans have any credibility, now, would we? Black leaders were understandably furious about the remarks. Frederica Wilson, chairwoman of the Florida Conference of Black State Legislators, said, "During the struggle for civil rights, it was common for those who wanted to protect segregation and deny minorities equal rights to attack black leaders physically and through more personal attacks on their credibility." So how is Cárdenas going about his little plan to undermine the credibility of African-Americans? Well, he got off to a good start last year by calling a voter registration drive a "hate tour." Incidentally, a spokesman for Cárdenas said that the conservative Weekly Standard had "misquoted and mischaracterized" him. Oh, yeah, right. What's the matter, Al? Don't like having your credibility called into question?


Thomas Roeser - NEW! Weeks on chart: 1 - And finally, conservatives really can't take a joke - and here's the proof. Writing in the Chicago Sun-Times last week, Thomas Roeser bemoaned the fact that late-night comics have the gall to make gags about the great and wise George W. Bush, and blamed Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien et al, for Bush's slipping poll ratings. However, a quick look at his article reveals that Mr. Roeser may not be living on the same planet as the rest of us. He refers to Bush as a strong leader, and "a man who speaks...plainly, without the standard balderdash of the political trade." Um, okay. Hey, remember when everyone complained that the late-night comics were still making more jokes about Bill Clinton than about George W. Bush, even during the first few months of Bush's term? No? Oh. Ironically, now the tables have turned, Roeser refers to the comics as "irresponsible scandal-mongers specializing in fiction," which, if you consider the antics of the Grand Old Party (Arkansas Project anyone? Paging David Brock!) is pretty funny all by itself. See you next week!

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