The Rude Pundit: Random Observations on Last Night's RNC Funfest [View all]

[meegbear]

Note: This will only be about Chris Christie because his speech was the only one the Rude Pundit bothered watching. The Rude Pundit ate something that has attacked his insides like a pair of weasels in a burlap bag. Most of the night was spent in unspeakable acts of anal and oral toilet assault. Yet, strangely, he didn't sweat as much as Chris Christie undulating onto the imperial dais. Oh, and don't fucking complain about Chris Christie fat jokes. Complain that he's an obscenity shaped like a beach ball.

1. Here's one thing that bugged the shit out of the Rude Pundit from Christie's speech: His mother "was raised by a single mother who took three different buses every day to get to work." This may have impressed people from the south and west who hop in their cars to go to the mailbox. But Christie's family is from up here in the northeast, and everybody knows people of most economic levels who take multiple modes of transportation a day to get to work. Many of the Rude Pundit's professorial colleagues take a train, a ferry, and a bus to go poison the minds of America's youth. Does that count as a speech-worthy hardship?

2. Imagine you have a friend who a few years back heard that if you feed poodles money they will shit out gold bricks. So your friend starts feeding his hard-earned cash to all the pampered poodles he can find, and they gobble those bills down. But, surprise, surprise, despite what he heard, the dogs end up shitting shit. Still, he clings to this bizarre, completely disproven idea: poodles shit gold. Now, after some time, he's low on cash. You tell your friend to stop putting out plates of money for the goddamned poodles. No, your friend says. Instead, he must cut back on other things, like doctor visits and food and more, just so he'll have the spare money to give the fucking dogs. "One day, these little bitches are gonna pay off," he tells you, sounding completely crazy, "and I'll be on easy street." But until then, he's just got hands that stink like dog shit. And there's your lesson in Republican economics.

So Christie said, "We believe in telling hard-working families the truth about our country's fiscal realities, telling them what they already know: the math of federal spending does not add up. With $5 trillion in debt added up over to the last four years, we have no option but to make the hard choices: cut federal spending and fundamentally reduce the size of this government." It's not just that it's forgetting history (and facts) to act like the government has been on some big ass spending spree since Obama came into office, ignoring tax cuts and unnecessary wars. It's that Christie is saying he's telling the truth while telling lies, telling people to face reality when he's giving them a fantasy version of the last four years.

3. Who the fuck does this fat fuck think he is, this man-beast poster boy for the sins of gluttony and avarice, telling the poor that they have to tighten their loose belts? Talk to us about cutting back when you can see your penis without the aid of a mirror, Governor Bubble. And maybe stop talking about how great you are and actually govern, fucker.

4. And this whole thing about Obama doing stuff just to be popular? You remember how pathetic you sounded in high school, complaining about the popular kids winning student council? It sounds just as pathetic now. And considering the "popularity" of health care reform, even when it was being drafted and debated, you really think Obama took the polls into consideration?

5. Oh, fuck this. The Rude Pundit doesn't want to tell you what you already know, that this is a masturbatory exercise, a circle jerk of epic proportions (as the DNC will be). It's all making the bile and salmonella build up into one more vomit.

So instead, enjoy this picture of Ann Romney pleasuring herself for the delight of the delegates:



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