TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalJust Another Super Healthy Week Spent Arguing Whether or Not Science is Real and Mob Violence is Bad
The American Right will not, dear reader, be made to eat their peas. Peas are tyranny. Sure, peas aren’t honestly that bad, and eating just a few peas could save your life, and if everybody just ate their fucking peas for a little while we could, as a nation, finally stop dying in droves and get back to our lives, but BLERG BLARK SHEEPLE YOU’LL PRY THOSE PEAS INTO MY COLD DEAD MOUTH BENGHAZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!! Anyway. I better get on with the blog before I bludgeon this poor metaphor any further.
(Colors? Fancy news links? Get ‘em here: http://showercapblog.com/just-another-super-healthy-week-spent-arguing-whether-or-not-science-is-real-and-mob-violence-is-bad/)
Have you noticed, a few reporters from the ol’ Appalachian diner beat seem to have been reassigned, to finally inquire of those of us who reside in objective reality how we feel about once again sacrificing our standard of living and our safety to the conniptions of the spiteful and misinformed? Turns out, we don’t care for it.
I confess, it’s the petulance that gets under my skin. “MASKS? AGAIN?” they whine, a nation of full-diapered brats in sore need of Wonka-style discipline. They just keep flinging their Legos all over the floor and stomping on them and screaming and blaming us for the pain and I am 31 flavors of over it.
You hear about Lauren Boebert, that cud-brained ball of unfettered hate, childishly flinging an offered mask in a House staffer’s face, and ENOUGH, okay, you have murdered ENOUGH people with your idiocy and your filthy, evil lies. Stop throwing these silly, performative tantrums, just SHUT THE FUCK UP and let the grown-ups finally, FINALLY do what’s necessary to slow the senseless loss of life.
These fits about masks…how the fuck are you still on this shit, you crazy, stupid, sheepfucking asshats? These theories y’all have, about masks and Covid and whether to trust doctors or game show hosts on such matters…they’re not holding up too terrifically well, have you noticed that? You could almost say they’ve been disproven every single goddamn day for a year and half. By the ever-growing mound of body bags. You fucks.
And still we have Republican Governors, like those devout death cult archbishops, Greg Abbott and Ron DeSantis, actually issuing orders to make it harder, or even impossible, for local governments to fight the virus’ spread, (special racist carve-out, of course, for xxxtra Nazi pointz) demanding, with the full force of their offices, that Covid’s extra-contagious new variant be allowed to spread unhindered throughout the populace. To deny the reaper a single victim is a crime under the rule of these maliciously insane men.
You are indecent people pursuing indecent goals. There is already so much blood on your hands, Birnam Wood is probably parked on your front fucking lawn right now.
Please stop killing us. You’ve killed SO MANY PEOPLE for such stupid, stupid reasons. Just stop. Please, you fuckheads. PLEASE.
I am sincerely sorry that you’ve given your hearts and your minds over to this sense-annihilating rage; from where I’m sitting, it looks like a tremendously unpleasant way to waste the few precious years we’re allotted on this Earth. But this thing where millions of you refuse to live in the real word, teetering on the brink of violence at all times, and the rest of us just…I dunno, patiently absorb the casualties y’all inflict in your madness? It’s not gonna work out, campers.
The House Freedom Caucus demanded Kevin McCarthy expel Marjorie Taylor Greene from the Republican Conference, over her history of inciting violence and spreading disinformation.
Excuse me, that’s not right. The HFC demanded the Minority Leader expel Matt Gaetz for trafficking minors for sex.
Jeez, no, I don’t know what’s gotten into me tonight, the Freedom Caucus demanded McCarthy expel Paul Gosar for fundraising alongside holocaust-denying white supremacists. As any decent person would.
JUST KIDDING, the rancid wad of warthog sphincters men call the House Freedom Caucus demanded ol’ Keville Chamberlain excommunicate neither criminals nor bigots, but Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger, for the damnable sin of loving their country too much to abandon it to the darkest, ugliest belief system humanity has discovered to date.
“Freedom Caucus.” The advertising firm of Draper & Orwell sure has been busy.
Anyhow. Kinzinger, you see, joined Cheney on the January 6th commission, having taken the apparently partisan stance that Terrorism is Bad and Should Be Opposed. I know there’s an awful lot of huffing and puffing going down on the Sunday shows and editorial pages, but I’d like to think we’re strong and smart and sober and honest enough, you and I, to acknowledge that the one fundamental debate in American politics right now is Nazi Mob or Nah?
As you know, the commission held their first public hearing this week, and…yeah, those are the sides. We all watched the footage. There was a Nazi mob on one side, and the other side was a bunch of cops, battling for their lives, and the lives of the folks the LITERAL NAZI MOB was attempting to, you know, murder.
I’m just saying, this is a fairly low moral/ethical hurdle to clear.
And yet.
Eager to distract, or at least obfuscate, Elise Stefanik, who certainly doesn’t seem to have grown tired of the ten-dollar Joe Goebbels Halloween costume she donned in search of power, sauntered out, with the propagandist’s courage, to tell anyone who’d listen that ACTUALLY Nancy Pelosi Capitol Rioted herself, because one Big Lie deserves another, I suppose, and another, and another, until the camps are open and the world’s on fire. Elise, you greedy nitwit, you do not understand the forces you’re toying with.
Y’know who understands? Mike fucking Flynn understands. When he waves around an AR-15, playfully musing aloud, “Maybe I'll find somebody in Washington, D.C.," he knows full well he is dispensing another dose of a constantly-reinforced message, that violence against political opponents is perfectly justifiable. Stochastic terrorism 101. Just sit back and wait for the next incel to snap.
And then we had to watch the Fascistic Four, Gaetz, Gosar, Gohmert, and Greene, shamelessly attempt to drum up sympathy for the goddamn terrorists. Painting them as political prisoners, held in appalling conditions, at the very same time America watched them try to beat cops to death with whatever they could get their hands on. Sitting U.S. Congressmen, brazenly siding with Brownshirt thugs, against their own country and Constitution, against the very law enforcement officers who sustained injuries and trauma protecting their ungrateful asses. In the clear light of day. In case you’re wondering about how that pile of marble puke suddenly appeared at the foot of the Lincoln Memorial.
Good news is, the burgeoning Fifth Column Caucus is still puny enough to chase away with a single whistle. Let’s keep it that way, huh?
Speaking of congressional traitors, Alabama’s Mo Brooks confessed he was wearing body armor while addressing that famous gathering of Normal Tourist Visitors™️ back on a certain January Wednesday, totally ordinary attire for non-violence-inciting speeches like the one Mo delivered to the crowd that would shortly attempt to lynch the Vice President of the United States. Odd that Brooks’ gambit, to force the Justice Department to defend his treachery, at taxpayer expense, failed so quickly, isn’t it? May this be merely the first of many setbacks, you detestable shitpile.
Oh, and it turns out Gym Jordan, who tried so desperately to force his subpar self onto the commission, hoping to drag the proceedings down to his own clown-passed-out-in-a-truck-stop-outhouse level, couldn’t have served on the committee anyway, on account of the time he’ll need to spend in the witness chair, having enjoyed, by his own grudging admission, a little chitchat with a certain recently-defeated Mussolini knockoff, on the above-mentioned Wednesday in January. Whoopsie.
Incidentally, while the Children of the Candy Corn spread disease throughout the land and work like hell to eliminate the right to vote, they’ve also decided, as a culture, to boo, berate, and otherwise shit upon the nation’s Olympic athletes, ‘specially the Black ones, but don’t you dare call them racist, you cancel culture ruffians, anyway, back to valorizing the white supremacist terrorists and mocking the heroes who kept them from their nefarious goals.
Congratulate Clay Higgins, the first Republican Congresscreep to catch Covid…twice. What’s that? “Was a second bout with a potentially lethal virus enough to get our boy Clay to back off the racist conspiracy theories n’ disinformation n’ whatnot?” Oh, my sweet summer child.
If you don’t mind me snapping that last fraying thread your sanity barely clings to, all this lunacy, this atrocity, this brain-melting fuckery, has been perpetrated in the name of fealty to Donald J. Trump, the “J” stands for “My endorsement can’t even carry a comically-low-turnout Republican primary in Texas anymore, but keep on tithing, rubes.” 18,279 votes, out of a total of 39,116. That’s all the power the Dotard in Decline is capable of actually manifesting in the world these days.
Further demonstrating the retail political mastery that delivered both of Georgia’s Senate seats, all sixteen of their electoral votes, and a tasteful gift basket of soaps and lotions to the opposing party, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot took to his vastly diminished platform to once again attack members of his own team, this time for backing the astronomically popular bipartisan infrastructure bill. His effort will once again prove impotent and ineffectual, and yet Republican deference will remain undiminished. They are a submissive people.
Hey look! Still more proof Tangerine Idi Amin illegally pressured federal officials to join Operation: Make America Trump’s Forever! Remember back when the lame duck President neglected a raging pandemic in order to focus on overthrowing the government-in-transition and seizing power forever? Those were just the goddamn wonder years, weren’t they?
Oh, also, the Department of Justice ordered Treasury to finally turn Wee Donnie One-Term’s tax returns over to the House Ways and Means Committee, but I doubt a career criminal’s most ferociously guarded secrets will ultimately yield anything significant. Certainly not a six-figure annual piss hooker budget.
The MyPillow Guy appears to be breaking up with Fox News, because he believes single-handedly funding Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour ought to grant him Big Lie-spreading privileges, and doesn’t it absolutely suck that this is how the world works? That a deranged dolt like Mike Lindell has been granted so much influence over the information consumed as “news” in this country? I wanna talk to the manager, dammit.
Say, if all this foolishness has left you in a fascist-smashing mood, have I got a comic book for you! Marguerite vs. the Occupation, written by your humble masked blogger, (in his mild-mannered alter ego, admittedly) tells the story of a young woman joining up with the French Resistance to get the goddamn Nazis out of her house. Resistance comics for a Resistance audience, that’s what we’re doin’ here. You will dig this shit, I promise. Read more about it here.
I want to thank everyone who’s already backed the Kickstarter, I wouldn’t be able to do this stuff without you. Anyhow, if you’re on the fence, now’s a great time to take the plunge; we’ve added some stretch goals, because we’ve got ourselves a real pretty book here, and we’d like to give it the presentation it deserves. We’re live until August 19th.
Either way, stay safe out there, friends. Don’t let the Delta variant getcha. Or any howling mobs of unimpressive white people, either. Just…look both ways before crossing the street, is what I’m saying…we live in interesting times.
Et Tu, Brady? (Ferret? Ferret.)
Spent another lovely week enjoying the various side effects of the coronavirus vaccine, stuff like “not catching Covid,” “not getting hospitalized with Covid,” and “not dying from Covid.” Like millions of rational people, my satisfaction level with this product is off the dang charts, and in a sane society, that reaction would be nigh universal, but regrettably, I dwell within the all-the-Delta-variant-can-eat buffet that’s made Tucker Carlson the most-watched man on cable: the United States of America.
(News links and other fanciness here: http://showercapblog.com/et-tu-brady/)
Texas Senate Republicans figured they’d finally wailed and whimpered about the alleged evils of “critical race theory” long enough to justify a thorough bleaching of the history textbooks, removing mandates to teach stuff like women’s suffrage and Martin Luther King Jr, and also bits that refer to slavery and the KKK as “morally wrong,” in case this was too subtle for anybody.
Longtime liberals will recognize this as the Voter Fraud Maneuver, wherein Republicans throw unceasing shitfits about a problem which stubbornly refuses to actually exist, and then, in the name of “solving” it, enshrine white supremacy ever further in the law. And yes, this is the same state legislature working even now to pass a massive, Thanks Ever So Much For Establishing the Precise Parameters of Plausible Deniability, Chief Justice Roberts minority disenfranchisement law. All this legislation was drafted using George Orwell’s vomit for ink, by the way.
As expected, Kevin McCarthy tried to fill the January 6th commission with poo-flinging howler monkeys, only Nancy Pelosi said “yeah, we’re not doin’ that, hoss,” and so Kev threw a little tantrum, yanked his entire trollwad from the commission altogether, and sprinted out to bitch n’ moan about “partisanship” for the cameras, as the dutiful drones in the both-sides-drunk media Cillizzasphere did that stenography that they do so well. Well, not “well,” but certainly “reliably.”
Y’know, here in the fever swamps of 2021, perhaps bipartisanship genuinely does mean that any bipartisan investigation of this act of terrorism must include those who excuse, enable, and even support the insurrectionist mob, but wouldn’t it therefore follow that one of the parties in question has been TAKING OVER BY FUCKING TERRORISTS? And in that scenario, where, precisely, is the virtue in “bipartisanship?” Walk me through it. Use small words.
Now Keville Chamberlain says his gaggle of fifth columnists will conduct their own investigation, perhaps into that time Pelosi called Hillary Clinton up, seeking advice on how best to give the National Guard a stand down order, who knows, I’m just asking questions here. By “investigation” they mean, “televised event where Gym Jordan shrieks about antifa to generate clips for Fox News’ white supremacist opinion hosts,” of course. Kinda like how a police officer is a “bobby” in England, y’know?
Anyway, we surely do need to figure out how we found our way to January 6th, 2021 in the first place, and how to avoid unwanted return trips, cuz it turns out that human shower drain clog actually got within 100 feet of Vice President Pants’ backup nuclear football, and people who can be prodded to violence by the lies of an obviously insane bedding merchant simply should not enjoy that kind of access.
Tom Barrack got arrested for operating illegally as an unregistered agent of a foreign power, and at some point, the nation’s evangelical “Christians” will explain to the rest of us why the object of their adulation surrounds himself exclusively with felons and traitors. Surely. Any day now. Two weeks. (Maybe we should also ask ‘em to clarify just how these “populists” manage to scrounge up $250 million in bail money on a moment’s notice.)
How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless quarterback! Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s failed, cringe-a-minute, lifelong quest to score an invite to the cool kids’ table suffered yet another devastating taint punt this week, as his long-courted man-crush, Tom Brady, not only finally accepted a White House invitation, (now that the overcooked steak fart smell has finally begun to fade) but joined Smilin’ Joe Biden in a double-team worthy of Hawk and Animal. Tee hee.
Rand Paul is the very best in the world at what he does, and what he does is lose fights to Dr. Anthony Fauci, on television, in the most humiliating fashion imaginable. For the record, Rand’s theatrically indignant spewing of bullshit conspiracy theories is precisely the sort of thing Pelosi is so correct to keep off the January 6th commission.
Aspiring concentration camp commandant Madison Cawthorn vowed to prosecute Fauci should his gang of fashy mediocrities retake the House next year, to “make sure that consequences are doled out” for valuing the American public’s health over the lies of an erroneously promoted game show host. “On what charges?” one may ask, as though the Lock Her Up crowd would concern themselves with such trivialities upon regaining power.
The Senate’s most punchable fake doctor and Kid Hitler Vacay aside, it would appear some in the GOP finally noticed their beloved Culture War got stuck on the “mass suicide” setting, prompting an organized, top-down effort to finally encourage their death cult base to take some of the simple steps necessary to get the goddamn pandemic under control, something the first 600,000 or so American corpses failed to inspire. Because until lately, the graveyards swelled in a largely bipartisan manner, you see.
Ron DeSantis even interrupted his ongoing victory lap (likely because he kept tripping over hospitalized constituents, seeing as how the state he governs leads the country in Covid cases, accounting for as many as one in five new infections nationwide) to suggest that vaccine avoidance is not, in fact, the lib-owning panacea it once appeared to be.
Mike Parson’s Missouri and Greg Abbott’s Texas have the honor of hosting similarly senseless outbreaks, because the official public health policy of the Republican Party has been, for a year and a half now, to actively facilitate the coronavirus’ spread through the populace. Lost in the raw madness of that is the simple fact that we HAVE A FUCKING SOLUTION for this problem and that it works really fucking well, meaning nearly every one of these new deaths is completely preventable.
While we should neither forget nor forgive all the months of murderous lies, I certainly wish Republicans luck in their reverse brainwashing efforts. They’ll need it. I mean, look at this guy. Really fucking LOOK at him. A tube for every orifice, still howling about his precious freedumb. You broke these fucking people. You set out to break them and now that they’re broken, you can’t figure out how to get them to process reality well enough to even preserve their own fucking lives. Nice work.
Well, at least Marjorie Taylor Greene still finds all this suffering and death humorous. The very week Covid kills a 5-year-old child in her district, the ghoul can’t help but giggle while continuing to spread the vile disinformation that’s already claimed so many lives. But it’s Liz Cheney who isn’t welcome in your party’s tent? Got it.
Hey, remember back during the Kavanaughty confirmation hearings, when the FBI rushed through their investigation of young Brettward’s raft of sexual misconduct allegations in record time, seemingly between the nominee’s heaving proclamations of affection for alcoholic beverages? Well, turns out the secret behind their stunning proficiency was Not Actually Investigating Shit. No big deal, not like we were vetting somebody for a lifetime appointment to a position of awesome political power or anything.
I see the would-be theocrats who’ve driven Mississippi into the bottom five of Everything But Meth Labs have decided the time is ripe to steal some rights from all those uppity broads who imagine they live in a modern society; state Attorney General Lynn Fitch officially took the plunge and asked the 6-3 wingnut Supreme Court to overturn Roe v. Wade. Makes sense. When you land Gorsuch and Kavanaugh on the flop, then the turn brings Anti Choicey Barrett, you push your chips into the pot. Buckle up.
Nothin’ conjures regressive meltdowns quite like the formal replacement of a racially insensitive sports team mascot, and I’m certainly looking forward to all the forthcoming rants in the Who’s the Racistest of Them All pageant that is the Ohio Republican Senate primary. (The swimsuit competition has been abandoned this year, in favor of a procession of hooded robe ensembles.)
You probably heard already, but the Kickstarter for my next comic book, Marguerite vs. the Occupation, is now LIVE, and running through August 19th. For everybody who’s already backed the project, I thank you from the bottom of my drunken, angry heart; the folks who’ve followed this blog these last four years are the entire reason I’ve finally got the confidence to pursue this lifelong dream. No way I can pay y’all back for that, but I’ve tried to make a story you’ll enjoy. I certainly wrote it with you in mind.
So learn more about it here, and if you are sufficiently impressed (and who wouldn’t be, by the awesome work of our art team: Kasey Quevedo, Laurel Dundee, and Toben Racicot?) give a thought to backing our campaign. Special rewards tiers just for Shower Cap fans, by the way.
PS, if anybody out there was thinking, “Hey, maybe I should come at Joe Biden,” don’t. Just don’t.
Oh, Y'know, Just a Death Cult Doin' Death Cult Stuff (Ferretastic)
Well friends, things’re more or less exactly the same as when last we met, which is to say, grease-fire-in-the-bath-salts-factory-behind-the-clown-college-level insane. So grab a raincoat and some galoshes, let’s wade through this sewage together, wheeeeeeee!
(Get this one with all dem news links here: http://showercapblog.com/oh-yknow-just-a-death-cult-doin-death-cult-stuff/)
As a lifelong consumer of genre fiction, I really should be able to process this shit. I’m willing to accept pretty much any given circumstances you drop in my lap. The Coyote paints a tunnel on the wall, the Roadrunner can go through the tunnel, but the Coyote runs face first into unforgiving stone? Makes perfect sense. Gerald Ford gets kidnapped and sent to work in the malaise mines of an alien world ruled by vampiric cantaloupes? Got it. I’m in. Let’s go.
I’m an old pro at suspending disbelief, is what I’m saying. But the objective, real-life status quo in the United States of America right now…I’m sorry, I simply do not buy it. We finally find a vaccine for the lethal virus that upended every life on the planet for more than a year, but millions of people won’t take the fucking thing because they’ve invested their entire cultural identity in refusing to eat their peas, even when said peas are the only thing standing between them and a painful, lonely death? It’s just not believable.
How do people become this crazy? We could probably gain some insight by investigating the dipshit hydra they look to for leadership. Won’t be pleasant, but let’s do it anyway.
So, at CPAC last weekend, Kristi Noem, whose extremely thirsty play for Trump Cult high priesthood will hopefully remain as comically futile as it is presently, tried to score points on current MAGA golden boy Ron DeSantis, by boasting to the crowd that her coronavirus butcher’s bill was among the longest in the land; since rather than listening to science and taking simple steps to protect her constituents’ lives, she turned South Dakota into the pandemic’s personal playpen.
The same maniac tent revival saw Lauren Boebert stumble around like a zombie that just ate an entire meth den, desperate to frame the life-saving miracle of science that is the coronavirus vaccine as some sort of unwelcome government handout. And somehow, with 600,000 bodies already in the ground, there are still people taking medical advice from this shrieking dolt, while flinging themselves into Pavlovian rage fits at the mere mention of the name “Fauci.”
Further straining the real world’s credibility, DeSantis is actually selling anti-Fauci MERCH, smack dab in the middle of his state’s latest deadly covid surge. The 2024 Republican presidential contenders will not be out-mass-slaughtered, it would seem.
Over at Newsmax, they’ve got hosts openly musing that maybe the whole idea of vaccination is an unnatural abomination against God, which I guess is the sort of thing you have to expect when your business model relies on out-pandering the competition in search of dominance over the lucrative suicidal zealot demographic.
In Tennessee, Republicans successfully ousted the state’s top vaccination official, putting an end to her diabolical reign of Sound Medical Advice, and, emboldened by their neanderthal triumph over the forces of reason, shut down ALL adolescent vaccine outreach, because…fuck, I don’t know, because they’re all in Big Mortician’s pocket? You may observe that it makes no fucking sense to pursue policies that will do nothing but increase disease and death, but this is a legitimately hip trend in conservative politics these days.
Anyway, for any Tennessee parents who may be reading, don’t forget to inject polio directly into your kids’ eyeball before the fall term starts; it’s mandatory for in-person learning now.
What I truly cannot wrap my weary mind around is, like, we know that nearly everybody who’s getting sick and dying right now is unvaccinated, and we also know that the unvaccinated population is rather disproportionately comprised of members of this particular…shall we say, “subculture.”
And I’ve even internalized that it’s so important to y’all to “own the libs” that you’ll accept a pretty damn significant amount of harm to yourself as the price, but the whole point of being vaccinated is that we’re no longer prisoner to your tantrums. We can go places now. It’s fucking great. Ownage is no longer possible, kids. There’s still a smattering of tragically innocent victims, of course, and fuck you for each and every one of them, but it’s pretty much just y’all getting killed now. The practical effect of all this disinformation has been to feed your audience directly into the queue with the captive bolt pistol at the end.
I just think it’s weird they haven’t figured this out yet. I guess by the time a loyal Tucker Carlson watcher finds his way to the ventilator, he’s too preoccupied to write a sternly-worded complaint to Fox management.
Incidentally, the trailer for the next M. Night Shyamalan movie is just a woman in an elevator that gets stuck, slowly realizing she’s trapped in there with Gary Busey in a Don’t Fauci My Florida t-shirt.
Bumbling Senate Republicans keep right on fiddling with the forces that brought a bloodthirsty horde of hate to their very doorstep, for they are unteachable and blinded by greed.
You see Lindsey Graham’s flaccid pledge to defend Homophobe Chicken Incorporated’s honor, to the death if necessary, and you wanna grab him by the shoulders and shake him, demanding, “Do you want lynch mobs? Because this is how you get lynch mobs.”
Ted Cruz put that Ivy League education to use on a cheap, mega-racist switcheroo act, blaming Texas’ coronavirus surge not on the anti-vaxx propagandists who actually caused it, but on, you guessed it: illegal immigrants. Create problems with your own incompetence, blame ‘em on an otherized, indeed dehumanized minority group; you’ve mastered the Nazi playbook, Ted, congratulations. You’re like Luke Skywalker, only with a shitty beard and also evil.
Disgraced South Dakota Attorney General Jason Ravnsborg made a huge bet that there’s absolutely zero chance that karma is real, accusing the very deer, excuse me, the very human being he killed in a hit and run of Suicidally Leaping in Front of His Vehicle, Actually…I dunno, I’ve never faced criminal charges, is there some specific level of brazen indecency that triggers automatic dismissal?
You know that skeevy fuck won’t even resign? Ravnsborg, Gaetz, Taylor Greene, Gosar, Hawley…all Republicans in good standing, but Jason Roe, the Michigan party official who refused to bend the knee to the Emperor of Hemorrhoids and his Big Honkin’ Lie, submitted to ritual excommunication, because honesty is heresy, you see.
Indicted Uber-Lackey Allen Weisselberg has resigned from his many posts within the Turdmaggot Organization, to spend more time with his delusions that his old boss will prove loyal. Don Jr. has allegedly taken over many of Weisselberg’s roles, which’ll be fine, he probably didn’t have any duties that couldn’t be carried out while snorting a trowelful of cocaine hourly.
You know you live in a sane, healthy democracy when you see “Reichstag” trending, and wonder somewhat irritably to yourself, “what, again?” Anyway, it turned out to be in reference to this story about the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs kinda sorta working out a plan to oppose an anticipated coup by the defeated incumbent, oh boy I bet that one’s not in the manual, huh, General Milley? I’m not sure how much I love feeling immense gratitude towards the perhaps too powerful men who cleared the relatively low ethical bar of “refused to facilitate the attempted overthrow of the United States Government by a known idiot,” but I also never anticipated liking so many of Bill Kristol’s tweets.
I’ll admit Ashli Babbitt’s MAGA martyr makeover has been a fascinating bit of world-building; watching the narrative take shape under the malevolently dexterous hands of this docile flock’s many sinister shepherds would be super fun on HBOMAX; here in real life, it’s a little bit more, oh, what’s the word…terrifying?
For example, it was recently decided, with Cult45’s customary complete lack of evidence of any sort, that the officer who shot Babbitt, whose name is being kept secret for obvious reasons coughcoughstochasticterrorism, is a Black man, o what a strange coincidence for this target of a white supremacist rage mob’s homicidal wrath. We’re just cut-and-pasting from the MAGA Scout’s Lynching Handbook at this point, aren’t we?
ANYWAY, Hairplug Himmler added his own nasty spin, fabricating a claim that the officer was, in fact, “head of security” for some nameless Democrat, and what a vicious little ad-lib that is. If you’ll pardon the improv term, that’s some restaurant quality Yes And. “Yeah, some Black guy who worked for….I dunno, maybe Pelosi, maybe Durbin, say, maybe YOUR Congressman…y’know what, you should pay that guy a little visit…”
He truly possesses a dark genius for inciting violent hate. Failed at everything he ever tried, from real estate to pants, but he turned out to have genuine talent in the field of Being American Hitler; shitty bit of luck that such a pitch-black soul landed in a billionaire’s kid, don’tcha think?
With his “some of the stars I produced are actually made of garbage” statement, the Velveeta Vulgarian wandered perilously close to self-awareness, for perhaps the first time in his misspent life. You’d think somebody who spends so much time with the likes of Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller, and Seb Gorka would’ve stumbled across the phrase quite a while back.
The tag certainly fits Matt Gaetz, who apparently hired Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer to help him out with the sex-trafficking allegations he faces, and boy howdy, this is a rough sentence to discover your name in the middle of, huh, Matthew? How’s life in the last act of GoodFellas, kid?
In contrast to this buffet overflowing with malice, madness, and poop, Democrats celebrated the arrival, in mailboxes across the nation, of their new Child Tax Credit, because we’re the ones that help people instead of giving them diseases. Not that such a joyous occasion stopped Dems from working on their $3.5 trillion reconciliation bill, set to become one of the most consequential pieces of legislation in American history.
So the choice facing the electorate is between the crazed cultists demanding the right to die and kill, and the folks handing out money and vaccines. One must grudgingly confess one understands why voter suppression has become so important to these people.
Ok, that’s enough for one week. I gotta pitch the comic book one more time, cuz the Kickstarter launches THIS COMING TUESDAY. Marguerite vs. the Occupation is a nifty little tale of the French Resistance, I think you’ll really enjoy it. Read more about it here, and I’d be honored n’ thankful if you’d sign up on our prelaunch page.
For longtime fans of the blog, I’m offering a reward tier where YOU pick the entries in an all-new, post-Turd Reich ROGUE’S GALLERY on showercapblog.com! Check out the Bannon, Miller, & Gorka links above for examples. You want to see treacherous Congressdopes like Kevin McCarthy? Mendacious media monsters like Sean Hannity? Or regional culture warlords like DeSantis and Noem? You decide! Each entry will contain a graphic and essay in the Shower Cap house style! Tell Mom to buy ya ten!
Show Me on the Doll Where Critical Race Theory Touched You (Th'Ferret)
I don’t know about y’all, but the first post-Turd Reich Independence Day felt pretty dang sweet to this masked drunkard. The simple absence of cheap, banana republic military spectacles was a welcome departure, for a start. Ultimately, I suppose I prefer my assholes in hotdogs, rather than positions of awesome political power.
(Shiny colors and numerous nooz links await you at: http://showercapblog.com/show-me-on-the-doll-where-critical-race-theory-touched-you/)
J.D. Vance pulled out a rusty mouth harp and played a mournful, off-key hillbilly dirge for the last lingering remnants of his integrity. It wasn’t so very long ago when Vance correctly identified the Velveeta Vulgarian as “reprehensible,” but after four years of atrocity, crime, and senseless mass death, he has seen the light!
Deleting tweets like a racist teenager applying for college scholarships, J.D. actually apologized for his onetime brush with decency, promising that, if elected, his lips shall ne’er again be parted from that fascist loser teat, no matter how crusty the congealed spray tan lotion may grow.
Now, Vance’s big gamble, on absolute fealty to an autocratic game show host with a record of almost incomprehensible levels of inhumanity and failure, may be an unforgivable moral deficiency, but you can’t claim it’s a miscalculation, when you recall the goal is to win a primary contest designed to anoint a shiny new cleric in America’s looniest death cult.
Desperate to avoid legal repercussions for his treacherous acts, Alabama Congressliar Mo Brooks now claims he can’t be sued, cuz riling up white nationalist lynch mobs is just standard operating procedure in his boring ol’ day job as a federal official. You know how it is. Write legislation. Perform constituent services. Incite terrorism. It’s all right there in the orientation materials, bro.
With their Turd Emperor stripped of his office and his Twitter account, Cult45 initially struggled to answer for themselves that all-important question: “who or what are we supposed to hate today?” Shit, even Q has gone dark, so how’s a happily-brainwashed rage drone to figure out where to target their bile? But then, just in the nick of time, along came critical race theory.
CRT is a nebulous phrase so triggering to these clowns, you’d think it meant “Jim Acosta dry-humping Hillary Clinton’s emails,” an all-purpose receptacle for every White Folks Are the REAL Victims rant, the perfect gift for the bigot who has everything except maybe a time machine back to the 1940’s.
And no, they couldn’t correctly define “critical race theory” if their lives depended on it, but I’m sure you’ve noticed, as the list of shit the American Right gets objectively wrong lengthens, their devotion to their disinformers only grows more fervent. And anyway, nobody seemed to feel the need to bring a dictionary to the Capitol Riot, or the sham Arizona recount, or any of the state legislative sessions or Supreme Court hearings where the increasingly authoritarian GOP has been diligently stripping the citizenry of voting rights, so maybe hold off on gloating over that particular point.
Anyway, definitions are for cucks, these kids know CRT when they see it, and they see it absolutely fucking EVERYWHERE. Tom Cotton, for example, hopes to bring his unique white nationalist take on cancel culture to the U.S. Air Force Academy, part of the broader GOP assault on any educational institution that dares impugn the unblemished benevolence of White America.
In Tennessee, a mob of wingnut book-burners hope to ban Ruby Bridges’ autobiographical children’s book, for being insufficiently gracious to the racists who terrorized her as a six-year-old child, simply for attending an integrated school.
Never mind the fact that Bridges’ story is true, that it’s history written by someone who lived it. That’s the real game, of course, to erase history. To remake it. To deliberately lie to children, in hopes of producing generation after generation of dutiful little Republicans, who’ll nod unquestioningly as the teevee talking heads absurdly claim the Founding Fathers, overwhelmingly slaveholders, opposed slavery. Critical thinking is also for cucks, if that was unclear.
And of course, fashy frozen fishmonger Tucker Carlson now demands cameras in every American classroom, so patriotic lurkers can monitor the nation’s teachers, presumably with the option to summon Minority Report-style stormtroopers should any pure white child’s mind become sullied with the actual truth. This must be one o’ them small government principles I’ve heard so much about.
Y’know, if anybody out there reading this hasn’t ruined their political prospects by churning out a profanity-laced blog for years, may I humbly suggest you run for your local school board to combat this fuckery? Also to oppose the QAnon candidates who’re running, because Qnatics getting elected to school boards is the backstory to 9 out of 10 films set in post-apocalyptic hellscapes.
Y’see, MAGA Nation is a magical place where the sky is whatever color Donald Trump says it is, and its denizens increasingly work to inflict their hallucinations upon the rest of us, objective reality be damned.
Which brings us, once again, to the pandemic, which has stubbornly refused to accommodate these delusions. Disinformation tactics, while certainly effective with Chuck Todd, remain entirely worthless against the novel coronavirus which causes COVID-19, and now that widespread vaccine access has finally given America’s sane majority a little protection from petulant wingnut selfishness, this latest battle in the culture war is being waged almost entirely via Russian roulette, by defiant numbskulls, snickering with every spin of the chamber about all the libs they’re owning.
And still Republican pundits and politicians spread deadly anti-vaxx propaganda at every opportunity. Even after five years spent staring directly into the heart of Trumpian madness, as though it were some sort of credulous idiot sun, I can’t figure this one out. There’s nothing to gain; as you know, nearly all current coronavirus hospitalizations and deaths are occurring among the unvaccinated, and the Delta variant keeps tearing through rural, conservative communities while Blue America calmly reopens…I guess when MyPillow is your only remaining advertiser, it doesn’t matter so much if you get your own audience killed.
President Biden proposes going door-to-door to encourage folks to get vaccinated, that’s TYRANNY to these fucks. Voter suppression isn’t tyranny. Overturning election results isn’t tyranny. State-sanctioned violence against peaceful protesters? More, please! But try to save people from pointless, entirely preventable deaths, you’re a monster. Left to their own devices, these creeps would grant more rights to COVID-19 than to Black Americans.
Ashli Babbitt represents Donald Trump’s wettest dream made reality, a martyr to the only cause that truly matters to a narcissist: himself. So naturally, he’s taken up the cause of unmasking the police officer who shot her, (while she was engaged in the commission of an extremely violent crime, just for the record) because that particular Blue Life doesn’t matter, and should in fact prolly be cut short by…oh, whoever’s turn it is to pick up the stochastic terror torch this week.
Wee Donnie One-Term‘s cringe-inducing quest for attention spawned a sad, already-forgotten “press conference,” announcing a fundraising push, poorly disguised as a pile of lawsuits targeting social media companies for being mean to him. The doddering old twit seems to possess an insatiable appetite for mortifying legal defeats, and God knows I’m nowhere near tired of watching him faceplant in court, so maybe this is one of those rare situations where everybody wins.
A new book says former President Crotchrot praised Hitler during a European trip, and if you listen carefully, you’ll hear the sound of not one living person being surprised. Then-Chief of Staff John Kelly allegedly talked his dirtbag boss out of dropping that little nugget in front of any of our fascist-dolt-weary allies, and while it’s still early, I figure he’s got Babysitter of the Millennium sewn up for that bit of diplomatic defense.
The latest collectible plate in the Bradford Exchange’s “The Public Humiliations of Rudolph Giuliani” series commemorates the loss of his license to practice law in Washington, D.C., and will make a tasteful addition to any Resister’s china cabinet or mantle. Sure, it’s awfully similar to last month’s offering, but you’ll want the complete set.
Unasked-for and unwelcome Ted Cruz spinoff Chip Roy got caught on video espousing the nihilistic values of McConnellism, wherein Republicans, when out of power, devote themselves to “chaos and the inability to get stuff done,” because there’s nothing they fear so much as an electorate that understands which party works on behalf of the American people, and which one serves only a handful of ultra-wealthy oligarch masters. Speaking of which HOLY CRAP LOOK OVER THERE IT’S CRITICAL RACE THEORY!
Looks like Afghanistan finally gets to be some other empire’s graveyard again, thanks to the controversial “learning from past mistakes” technique Joe Biden brought to the Oval Office, in sharp contrast to his predecessor’s Hitler-praising, Mint the Challenge Coin Now, Solve the Problem Never doctrine.
There’s actually loads of solid, positive news lately, including activists successfully shaming Toyota out of financing the House Insurrectionist Caucus, as well as Nancy Pelosi’s delightful new descriptor for the Deposed Dotard, but I really need to get the fuck out of here before I have to start covering CPAC.
Before I do, though…we’re a little more than a week away from launching the Kickstarter for my next comic book, Marguerite vs the Occupation. I think you’ll dig it; I cooked it up during the (endless freaking) transition period; it’s a nifty little action fable, set in France during the Resistance, about getting the goddamn Nazis out of your house. I wrote it for Resisters like you, and there will be special rewards tiers for fans of this blog. Sign up on our prelaunch page, if you’re so inclined, and either way, as ever, stay safe out there…
I Think Kevin McCarthy is a Robot Specifically Programmed to Execute Leadership Tasks Poorly(Ferret)
Things’re gettin’ pretty good these days, huh? Seems Joe Biden came here to create jobs and eat ice cream, and neither appear to be in short supply. Of course, the Gulf of Mexico is literally on fire as I write this, a grim reminder that you can’t take your eyes off the bastards for even a minute. Fortunately, I happen to be in the chronicling business.
(Y’want shiny colors n’ nifty news links? Click here: http://showercapblog.com/i-think-kevin-mccarthy-is-a-robot-specifically-programmed-to-execute-leadership-tasks-poorly/)
After months spent licking his wounds down at Marm-a-Lago, the Deposed Dotard has grown ravenous for attention, but it turns out that particular currency ain’t easy to come by for a has-been Hitler, a toppled autocrat feebly wheezing his way through a tired litany of worn-out grievances, like some decrepit, fashy Vanilla Ice (who, to his credit, at least wore ill-fitting pants on purpose.) shuffling along the casino circuit.
Not even Fux Nooz carries these pathetic Old Nazi Yells at Cloud rallies anymore, which I think is a shame, actually; we should shine the brightest possible spotlight on this visibly-declining dolt as he continues to boast about the cognitive test he once “aced” as though he’d knocked out Mike Tyson. “You’ve just successfully identified a drawing of a horsey, what’s next?” “Well, I’m going to Disney World, where I’ll be swiftly ejected for groping some poor college kid in a Minnie Mouse costume!”
The news that Arizona Republicans stripped their Secretary of State’s office of much of its power, but only for the duration of the current (Democratic) officeholder’s term, barely made a ripple, because we’ve all normalized the idea that the GOP is an autocratic gang that simply will not allow voters to select alternate leadership, so long as there’s any shred of power available to them to abuse. Healthy, that.
As a lifelong Cubs fan, I’m usually sympathetic to hopeless endeavors, but watching William Barr attempt to rehabilitate his image really hits that sweet spot where futility and atrocity intersect, doesn’t it? Billy Boy, you looked upon a gaggle of bumbling fascist criminals and said, “Oh man, I have so many helpful suggestions to improve both the fascism AND the criming,” which was pretty fucked up of you. Count your blessings, because in a just world, you’d be in prison. As for your legacy, well, if I were you, I’d invest in botanical genetic engineering; maybe you could finance the development of some sort of flower that thrives on human piss. You know, for your grave.
Sonny Perdue seldom made headlines during his tenure as the Turd Reich’s Minister of Agriculture, but I can’t imagine anyone’s surprised to learn he was just as corrupt as the showier thugs n’ looters in Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s Cabinet; the Pompeos and the Zinkes, the profiteers and lotioneers. Still, Sonny’s multi-million dollar grift is a little too complex for a Tweet or a sound bite, so maybe we can squeeze it in between the crossword and the latest Marmaduke?
The coronavirus Delta variant continues to surge, but not hard enough for Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson, who once again opened his fool mouth so a fresh batch of anti-science turds could dribble out. In a caucus filled with theocrats, megalomaniacs and whatever unnamable hybrid monstrosity Rand Paul is, RoJo manages to stand out for pure, primal, idiot disdain for human life.
Paul Gosar, the official dentist of White Rage, has grown so brazen that he’s now openly fundraising with Holocaust-denying white nationalist troll Nick Fuentes, and the list of elected Republicans who have condemned this absolutely ghastly move, compared with the list of those who haven’t said a single fucking word, is…instructive, don’tcha think? Anyway, I guess the Overton window now encompasses the outhouse behind the northwest Arizona meth lab named after Nathan Bedford Forrest in which Gosar owns a majority stake.
Kid Kompromat fancies himself a kingmaker, and his latest protégé appears to be former football star and would-be Georgia Senator Herschel Walker, whose history of domestic abuse would be disqualifying in any political party that hadn’t been hijacked by a psychopathic death cult, and once upon a time that probably felt like a fairly major limitation, but then, in recent years, I’ve watched quite a few ships I believed to be securely anchored set sail.
There’s no drug quite so addictive to Republican officials as the whiff of MAGA celebrity, and no more desperate junkie for it than South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem, whose latest act of Holy Heck Didn’t You Read Macbeth in School ambition-crazed insanity has been to allow a right-wing billionaire to rent her state’s National Guard troops out as his own toy mercenary force, to deploy to the Texas border in an effort to remind Cult45 how much they hate and fear foreigners.
Condolences to the denizens of Hell, who now have to put up with Donald Rumsfeld driving their property values down.
Well, Nancy Pelosi named her 8 members to the January 6th select committee, including Republican Liz Cheney, which felt like a momentous act of bipartisanship in this sharply divided era, until you remembered the official GOP position is The Terrorists Were Right, Actually, Which is Why the Moment They Were Cleared From the Capitol, We Voted To Give In To Their Demands.
Minority Leader McCarthy actually threatened to strip any member of his caucus who accepted Pelosi’s offer to serve of their committee assignments, a step he opposed in the case of Marjorie Taylor Greene, and lacks the spine/decency to even suggest when it comes to Paul “please RSVP to my Nazi clambake” Gosar.
Keville Chamberlain may not be interested in investigating the attempted terrorist overthrow of the United States government, but when a white nationalist television personality decides to fabricate an NSA spying scandal out of thin air and fish sticks, well, the man widely expected to become Speaker of the House in the near future automatically implores, “How high would you like me to jump, Mr. Carlson, sir?”
So, a despicable propagandist so widely recognized as a liar that his own lawyers argued in court that only the mouthbreathingest of morons fall for his drivel can make the most powerful elected Republican in the country dance like a puppet on a string, without producing one iota of evidence? Neat system. Anyhoo, don’t worry, America; Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes is on the case! (Or at least he will be, once he pulls out of Farmer Howlett’s prized Berkshire.)
Now, you might think a political party that finds itself aligning with brownshirts and fundraising alongside Holocaust deniers would exhibit a tiny bit of humility, particularly where the iconography of Nazism is concerned…well, tell that to the Star of David on Washington State Representative Jim Walsh’s chest. Like all white conservative men, Walsh is the Real Victim Here™️, folks, and if only there were some dumbfuck version of Oskar Schindler available to deliver him from the tyranny of…vaccines.
And just in case you were hoping Jimbo was the only elected Republican comparing medical professionals to Nazis this week for the high crime of (checks notes) trying to stop the spread of a disease that’s claimed 602,000 American lives to date…ha ha NO.
The 6-3 wingnut Supreme Court issued the latest in their signature series of Silly Electorate, Voting is for White Folks rulings, because every Republican, no matter how powerful, is simply one more loyal foot soldier in the fight to institutionalize white supremacy. With so many Americans struggling in pursuit of goals significantly less shitty than “reversing hard-won civil rights gains,” I just think it sucks that John Roberts’ pursuit of his deplorable life’s work has proven so fruitful. Why couldn’t he have dreamt of becoming a concert trombonist or some shit?
To all those third party 2016 voters who strutted around the internet, telling anyone who’d listen that Hillary didn’t “earn” their vote, my sincere congratulations on the state of American democracy (barely clinging to life, tubes running in and out of every orifice, pissing in a pan while authoritarians point and laugh); you earned it. For all of us. Thanks ever so much.
Well, the Shitweasel Organization, and its CFO, Allen Weisselberg, got a fancy gift basket from Manhattan DA Cy Vance, containing exotic soaps, summer sausages, and oh yeah, a bunch of felony charges, ranging from tax fraud to grand larceny. Now, we’ve all been let down by too many visions of imminent Trumpal comeuppance to break out the champagne and party hats just yet, but I don’t think anyone could fault us for indulging in the odd think piece or Twitter thread exploring the worst case scenarios for these fucks.
Say, look who’s pallin’ around with a terrorist, it’s a BUNCH OF HOUSE REPUBLICANS! Seems when Anthony Aguero isn’t shuttling the House Racist Dipshit Caucus (Boebert, Cawthorn, Dr. Ronny Jackson…the usual skidmarks) around the border, he participates in a wide range of hobbies, including racist internet rants, joining insurrectionist lynch mobs, and, as is so often the case with these creeps, domestic violence.
Noted sex pest/Trump stooge Jason Miller launched the latest sad, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it, cultists-only social media platform, but devotees of QAnon are already quite (hot and?) bothered by all the hentai and pictures of diaper-clad old men, apparently. This story left me reflecting upon happier times, when I wouldn’t have been able to understand the preceding sentence.
If there’s a threshold at which stories about Oath Keepers getting arrested n’ pleading guilty n’ flipping on one another in the Capitol Riot case stops being hilarious/awesome, I can safely report we haven’t reached it yet. I suggest continuing the experiment.
And I also suggest signing up on the Kickstarter prelaunch page for my next comic book, Marguerite vs. the Occupation! OH SHIT WHAT A SMOOTH TRANSITION, CAP, YOU DOG, YOU! Seriously though, buy my book. And, as ever, stay safe out there, Resisters…
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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PMNumber of posts: 630
