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TheFerret

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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PM
Number of posts: 84

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We're still debating Nazis? In 2017? Sure, that's normal.

Hey everybody, before we get started tonight, I'd like to tickle your activist bone a little bit. I'm lobbying the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to add a new category to this year's Academy Awards: Best Short Film of a Punk Ass Nazi Crying Their Wuss Eyes Out When Consequences Catch Up To Them.

Baked Alaska is an early favorite, but this Christopher Cantwell dude could be a dark horse.

GET IT? WHITE SUPREMACIST/DARK HORSE? BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH.

Anyhow.

We're at, what? Day 2,192 of the debate about whether the President of the United States should say Nazis are bad? That's a healthy place for America to be in 2017.

My god, has it come to THIS? In some alternate universe, I'm posting snarky little Facebook posts about Trey Gowdy's ongoing, futile, attempts to investigate President Hilldawg's e-mail server, while congress susses out a voting rights bill. I WANT TO GO TO THERE.

The Guinness World Record for Whattaboutism gets shattered every seven minutes, it seems. The modern American Right, having found itself headquartered in the filthiest corner of a sewage treatment plant, rather than beginning the long, slow slog back into the light, has chosen to bellow that everyone else is just as shit-encrusted as they are, and therefore lacks the right to point fingers.

And so the Founding Fathers (many of whom were, yes, slaveholders, and we should be honest about that) are basically the same as the traitors who tore our nation apart in order for a handful of rich jagoffs to own human beings like cattle, and Nazis are the moral equivalent of people who think Nazis actually suck really hard, and apple pie is just a steaming cow pie atop a stale slice of Wonder Bread.

The Marmalade Shartcannon, meanwhile, has picked the Nazis-and-Confederate-monuments hill as the one he'd like to die on, fighting harder to preserve shitty statues of traitors than he ever did to pass a health care bill.

Encouragingly, America has responded to SHARTUS' #NotAllNazis initiative with repulsion and defiance, which is good, because Zombie Eisenhower and Zombie Patton were just about the rise from their graves and start fuckin' shit up, 40's-style.

The CEOs of the nation consulted their advertising departments and their butlers, determined that Nazis are SO not in this summer, and fled the President's Advisory Councils like they were full of bees with leprosy, singing Nickleback.

Hilariously, Don the Con tried spinning things like dissolving the councils was HIS idea, because the councils wanted to get more serious that he was ready for, like Richard Trumka left a toothbrush in the West Wing bathroom, and it just freaked him out, so he thought he should end it before anybody developed unreasonable expectations for the future.

Whatever, Donnie. Elon Musk wants his Def Leppard t-shirt back.

And somehow, Orange Julius Caesar, like a shitty stand-up comic oblivious to how badly his set is bombing, wakes up and tweets his ongoing laments about the tragic removal of the Shitty Traitor Statues, like he's reading directly from a porno script Richard Spencer wrote.

Honestly, I don't understand the President's ferocious attachment to the culture of treasonous losers, it just doesn't...oh hang on.

I get it now.

The Associated Press further updated their guidelines regarding the use of the term "alt-right," so as not to play along with 21st-Century Nazis' desperate attempts to be called something other than "Nazis." I've personally proposed using "Outhouses Overflowing With Trucker Diarrhea" as a substitute for "alt-right," but the AP hasn't gotten back to me yet.

Now House Democrats are pushing a measure to censure Toupee Fiasco for talkin' about how handsome n' groovy those Charlottesville neo-Nazis were, putting Paul Ryan in a pickle. Is it even possible for House Republicans to denounce white supremacy on the record without enraging their base? And is anyone in the Republican Party suggesting, "Hey, maybe we shouldn't have worked so diligently to create a voter base that makes excuses for Nazi terrorists?"

A number of Shart House aides are anonymous expressing their concern, their regret, their consternation, their sadness, their constipation, their nagging toothaches at the President's ongoing oral vomiting to various journalists...off the record of course. And no, none of them are actually resigning, that would require spines.

At least we won't have to worry about tearing down statues of these sniveling cowards generations from now.

Well, maybe somebody will carve a butter sculpture of Reince Preibus, wincing as he kisses Il Douche's massive ass. Or better yet, cast a Jell-O mold so as to better capture the quivering.

By the way, did any of you happen to notice that North Korea totally backed down in the recent let's-maybe-end-life-on-earth-because-two-manchildren-are-dick-measuring crisis?

No, you didn't. Biggest win and best fuckin' headline of Drumpf's entire presidency, and the dumb shit buries it talkin' about how cute n' fuzzy Nazis are. It's like if Harry Truman decided to reinstate prohibition on V-E Day.

And Steve Bannon went into business for himself, drunk-dialing The American Prospect out of the blue, shitting on White House rivals, offhandedly mentioning that the entire U.S. military's stance on North Korea is bullshit, chatting casually about how a race war would be good politics for him...hard to believe some folks paint this guy as a villain, ain't it?

Now, in the wake of a horrific terrorist attack, such as the one that took place in Barcelona today, a normal person will grieve, or offer prayers and support, or maybe just lament their helplessness at life's periodic tragedy...but not our Carcinogenic Bloat-in-Chief.

No, he just thinks "Oh GOOD, a Muslim terrorist! This'll change the subject!"

And so President Colon Tumor tweets out a reference to his favorite fake history story, an utterly fictitious tale of General Pershing committing a racist war crime. It's a perfect score on Klansman bingo.

In addition, the Candycorn Skidmark raged at Jeff Flake and Lindsey Graham, while Bob Corker and Tim Scott tore several new holes in his widescreen, be-golfpantsed derričre.

Good luck with tax reform, Mr. Shart-of-the-Deal. (At some point, somebody really should tell him that impeachment trials take place in the very chamber where he's so giddily cultivating enemies. I nominate Stephen Miller.)

And now I see that Wikileaks sat on some leaks that would've damaged Putin/Russia, because they were strictly in the Shittin'-on-Hillary-Clinton business last year? Fucking perfect.

I know I'm missing a bunch of stuff tonight, shit like Kevin Durant and Carmen de Lavallad passing on Shart House honors because they don't want to get Shart on themselves, and awesome folks queuing up to take the blame for pulling down the confederate statue in Durham, and don't miss that one story about shitty white supremacist dudes finding out they're not ethnically pure, but I'm just beat to hell from living under a government that refuses to condemn Nazis, even after they FUCKING MURDER PEOPLE. I'm all grouchy and shit.

All I really need now is for Chris Cilizza to tell me Robert E. Lee had the Worst Week in Washington.

...shit be cray, folks...shit be cray.

Wrote a little song...

...borrowed the tune, I bet y'all can figure it out...

Why are there so many
Nazis in the White House
Advising the President?

Nazis are bad guys
I thought we all knew that
I wonder where decency went

How in the fuck did we get ourselves tangled
In these white supremacists' web?

Someday we'll fire them
The alt-right connection
Steve Bannon, Steve Miller, and Seb!

Who said that white people
Are better than others
Even when clearly subpar?

Somebody thought of that
And some jags believe it
Look what they've done so far

We fought a whole fucking world war to stop them
We already beat Johnny Reb

Someday we'll fire them
The alt-right connection
Steve Bannon, Steve Miller, and Seb!

All of them under the sun
And we'll get you too, Mr. Sessions!

Have we been half asleep?
And have we allowed this?
We took our eye off the door

Have we forgotten
Our grandparents' lesson
That punching's what Nazis are for?

These bastards thrive only when we ignore them
Let's chase them back to the dark web

Someday we'll fire them
The alt-right connection
Steve Bannon, Steve Miller, and Seb!

No jokes tonight, folks.

God, the obscenity of this day.

Even without the violence and the tragedy, is there a lower moral hurdle to clear than "Denounce the bastards wearing swastikas and chanting Nazi slogans?"

And when an American citizen is killed by a terrorist in service of one of history's most evil ideologies, is it really so much to ask of your President, "Stand WITH us, AGAINST them?"

Apparently so.

To a nation mourning a terrorist attack, he offered neither healing nor calm. Instead, he bragged about how well he did in the primary. Bragged about the economy. Attacked the press. Whinged. Aired old grievances. Spit piss at John McCain for robbing him of a victory on health care. Motherfucking boasted about owning a fucking winery in a community still washing blood off the ground.

And all that is abominable enough.

But then he did all he could to give cover to the terrorist's ideology. To lessen its evil. He stood at a podium adorned with the Presidential seal, and suggested that those who opposed white supremacy were equally as bad as those who killed in its name.

There were "very fine people" amongst the Nazis. The white supremacists were the ones with the permit, so in a way, THEY have the high ground. My god.

In his loathsome statements today, Donald Trump blamed Heather Heyer for her own death. By standing in protest of these diseased ideologies, Trump said, she was merely part of a regrettable morass where everybody was a little bit right, and nobody was totally wrong.

Not even the Nazis.

Whether it's Bob Mueller dragging him out of the Oval in cuffs, or the House GOP defensively impeaching him as his approval rating seeks absolute zero, or H.R. McMaster slapping a straightjacket on him before he can order bombers to attack CNN headquarters, or even, if we absolutely MUST wait so long, a deafening electoral avalanche in November 2020, the day is surely coming when we will be push this shitstain out of the People's House forever. As dark as this day is, we WILL be rid of him.

And when he's gone, we must NEVER stop scrubbing his stink from our nation.

Every executive order will be reversed. However long it takes, we will sandblast every molecule of his legacy from our government.

We'll rip every portrait off every wall.

Should anyone attempt to erect any monuments to this Blight on Decency, know the sun will never set on a single one of them, we'll tear them down so quick.

Should you break ground on a Presidential Library honoring this indecent fuck, know that we'll salt the earth before we let you so much as pour the foundation.

Should you slap his shitty little name on a battleship, future generations will refuse to serve on it, and it will rust and sink, forgotten and shunned.

We will hound Trump and Trumpism from our nation, however long it takes.

We. Will. Take. Our. Country. Back.

'Member when the President didn't need a weekend to say "We don't like Nazis?" Good times, those.

Well, the news has been dominated for days now by a white supremacist terrorist attack, and the President of the United States' refusal to say "That is a bad thing, and Nazis are bad."

(Re-reads the above several times to make absolutely sure it's an accurate assessment. Weeps for hours. Returns to keyboard.)

Yes, the Coalition of Out-of-Shape White Shitty Idiots with Tiki Torches (Or C.O.W.S.H.IT.T.) rallied and rioted in Charlottesville, VA. White Supremacists boldly walked the streets of an American city in broad daylight in 2017, screeching their petty little hatreds at the top of their lungs, carrying Nazi flags, beating the shit out of counter-protesters. A bunch of folks got hurt. One woman was killed.

And in response, our 45th and shittiest President, bloated and surly, muttered through a statement which, incredibly, blamed violence on "all sides" for the acts of a decidedly-from-one-specific-side Hitler Fanboy. More than anything, he seemed irate his self-aggrandizing bill-signing ceremony had been disrupted by an American tragedy. "THIS WAS THE ONLY DAY I HAD ANYTHING BUT GOLF," whinged the Living Garbage Pail Kid, "Why can't my base murder people when it won't me look bad?"

The fucker then proceeded to rush off without taking questions. Surely, Don the Con scampering out the door as reporters asked him to denounce white supremacist terrorism is the Most Presidential Thing Ever (Take that, Gettysburg Address, you Cuck Speech, You!).

White Supremacists rejoiced. "Didja hear that?" they giggled. "He meant Antifa, he's one of us!"

And America despaired, that such a day had come, a day when terrorists were given comfort and succor by the highest elected official in the land, whose most sacred job is to protect our lives and our rights from those who would seek to end them.

And then America got righteously, defiantly, shit-kickingly pissed off.

And the Nazis, the Klansmen, the White Supremacists, all the little Bannonites, have been on the run ever since.

Jason Kessler, who organized the rally in the first place, tried to give a we-are-but-peace-loving-Hitler-wannabes press conference, but the crowd chased him off, excoriating him for the blood on his hands. Fucker looked like he wasn't gonna stop stop running till he hit Timbuktu. (UPDATE: My sources tell me Kessler is indeed still running.)

"Baked Alaska," a self-styled alt-right celebrity, who likes to play a big tuff man on Twitter, ate a faceful of mace and cried like a toddler who got his blankie stolen. Suddenly the guy who likes to talk shit about feeding people into ovens is all "can't we get along?"

Nah, man. This is the United States of America. We don't "do" Nazis.

The Daily Stormer (that's THE Nazi website, where all of the tubbiest losers go to see and be seen, if you don't feel like polluting your search history) decided to post a nasty little gloat piece about the woman who was killed, which got them chased off GoDaddy and Google. Hope the mimeograph machine in the back room still works, turdweasels.

And of course the internet reached out far and wide, and quickly began identifying the individual Nazi shitsacks, one at a time.

See, these fucks really thought their day had come. That they could march through OUR streets, heads held high, beating up anybody they felt like, without consequence.

They thought they didn't need to wear hoods anymore.

They thought wrong.

So, All Ye Shitty Little White Kids, Ye Polo-Shirt-Tucked-Into-Khakis Weenies, Ye Utterly Subpar Jagoffs, enjoy getting revealed for all the world to see. Enjoy having that photograph of you screaming Nazi slogans at a terrorist rally as your resume for the rest of your sad, shitty, little lives.

Fuck, even the Tiki Torch company issued a statement that was all "Fuck these dickless whiners! Y'all should buy a rival company's lawn torch, we are an AMERICAN pool-and-gazebo-lighting company, goddammit!"

This seems like a good place to mention that are MULTIPLE republican-sponsored bills across various state legislatures designed literally to decriminalize the running over of pedestrian protesters. Yes, that is a real thing. By 2020, I'm sure GOP candidates will advocate the criminalization of bunnies, cuz they're really leaning into the Evil these days.

Darker still, Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe, defending the police response as the rally turned violent, noted that the lunatic militiamen had the state police outgunned. What a horrifying thought, that an army of fascists can descend on an American community so heavily armed as to intimidate law enforcement. That must never be allowed to happen again.

Through it all, President Shartcannon resisted all calls to issue a stronger statement. Anonymous Shart House spokescowards insisted "Yuh huh he totally denounced white supremacy, y'all in the media were just having an unusually rowdy game of Pictionary and you didn't see it," but nobody was having any of that shit.

Mike Pence even interrupted his nightly ritual of masturbating furiously to pictures of elk bulls fighting to offer a feeble stab at "Why can't the lying media give President Crotchvoid credit for saying something he objectively did not say?"

Anyhow, while bitching incessantly that the media wasn't giving Il Douche his due for all he'd done* to unite the country over the weekend, his campaign dropped an almost-cartoonishly divisive ad, reminding his e'er-dwindling Rube Army that it isn't the Nazis driving cars into crowds, but the media that reports on it that's the REAL "enemy." They sure made certain to get as many non-white journalists in there as possible, didn't they?

*golf

And, as if desperate to prove his critics right, Tangerine Idi Amin, who, just to drive the point home, STILL WOULDN'T DENOUNCE A NAZI TERRORIST TWO WHOLE FUCKING DAYS AFTER THE FACT, broke the land-speed tweeting record to go after the CEO of Merck for resigning from his manufacturing council because of his, ahem, unwillingness to denounce white supremacist terrorism.

That the above-mentioned Merck CEO, Kenneth C. Frazier, happens to be black is, I'm sure, just the latest in a series of zany coincidences that do not at all add up to implicate SCROTUS in any form of racism, however mild.

(Under Armour's Kevin Plank resigned later as well. Is he white? He oughtta be fine, then.)

Finally, FINALLY, after two solid days of relentless hounding, the Velveeta Urinal Cake petulantly dragged himself out to issue a new statement, excuse me, to boast a little while about the economy he inherited, before begrudgingly reading a few sentences off a teleprompter and waddling away to blow off steam by making Bannon eat a pubic-hair sandwich for his amusement. (Darth Wino's in the doghouse these days, or so we all told. Let's get his alt-right ass fired, huh?)

And now Boss Shart and all his fuckstick enablers expect us to treat him like ran the Underground Railroad single-handed. HE SAID HE DENOUNCED, WHY WON'T YOU MOVE ON? Yeah, fuck you.

Shartboy had initially called a full press conference for today, but of course he chickened out. And boy did he get pissy upon being called out on that. "Fake news!" he sullenly bellowed at CNN's Jim Acosta, because there's never an inappropriate time to air personal grievances, certainly not while the nation mourns a terrorist attack.

Oh, I need to take a quick moment here for a public service announcement. I want everyone to please keep a lookout for Dinesh D'Souza. If you're not careful, he'll sneak right up behind you and drop a copy of his silly new book on your head, on your lunch, on your cat...anything to make it seem like there's an insatiable public Demand for Dinesh. Be careful out there, friends.

The Mayor of Lexington, Kentucky announced that they'll be removing all of their confederate monuments, maybe because these statues seem to basically be turd magnets these days. Y'know, like fly-zappers, only attracting the shittiest white people in the world. Like, Night of the Living Dead, only with shambling fucksticks in MAGA hats.

Later in the day, protesters in Durham took matters into their own hands, and moved up the Traitor Monument Demolition Schedule to...right fuckin' now. Good on ya!

Cheeto Broderick Crawford's approving rating took another sturdy hammer-to-the-nuts today, hitting a new record low. The President is attempting to combat this crisis of popularity by finding internet polls that let you vote as many times as you want, and refreshing the screen over and over, but even this tactic has offered only limited success, because his pathetically wee fingers keep pressing the wrong buttons.

Oh, and I guess the feds caught yet ANOTHER Shitty White Guy trying to commit terrorism, this time in Oklahoma? Maybe we need a Shitty White Guy watch list. Deport them to someplace where they can roam free, a place where they can finally set their own standards for ethics in gaming journalism. Everybody wins.

Somehow in the midst of this, the Human Garbage Pail Kid is contemplating pardoning Joe Arpaio, who was recently convicted of violating a court order primarily on the basis of his many statements boasting about violating the court order.

See, Drumpfy's not racist, he just wants to keep the Poster Boy (Er, Poster Fogey) for Jackbooted Institutional White Supremacy from facing the consequences of his lawbreaking. And you're a cad for suggesting otherwise!

What fresh fuckery is this, now? Ol' Beuregard's DoJ (DOOJ!) is trying to get ahold of visitor data from a website that organizes Resistance events? Oh HELL no. Nice to see Jefferson's putting those resources he pulled off of monitoring the white nationalist movement to good use, ain't it?

Shit, there was even a new Russia story today. Not an enormous deal, just a low-level campaign advisor pushing for meetings with Russians, as early as last March. Still, it's just one more example of Team Shart lying about their Russian contacts. I bet no more examples of this ever turn up again. (Exaggerated wink)

Anyway, at least we can all enjoy a recreational spin through Twitter, looking at more "Crappy Little White Kid Gets His Punk Ass Fired For Being a Nazi" stories, as they're rolling in rather steadily now.

I'm callin' it early tonight, folks. I need a fucking drink. Somebody keep an eye on Guam for me.

Friday Nite at the Nuclear Catastrophe Disco!

None of this is really happening, right? Jake Tapper's on a peyote bender, listening to Floyd, and he finally got around to that Syd Barrett solo album, and he's just freaking out and making crazy shit up now...

...right?

Let's start with light shit.

The Mooch is Looch! Er, Loose! Fruitfly-Lifespan-Tenured Executive Branch Employee Anthony Scaramucci is making the rounds, playing the victim card like Tonya Harding on speed.

You see, he was duped by big bad reporter that...he called up...to threaten into revealing a source...and then had an on-the-record conversation with...where he shot his mouth off in a juvenile attempt to seem impressive. He labelled the reporter (Ryan Lizza, of the New Yorker, by the way) "the Linda Tripp of 2017." I confess I don't really know what he's implying by that, I spent most of the Clinton administration trying to decipher R.E.M. lyrics.

And of course everybody got all mad at that one poll where half of Republicans said they happily wipe their asses with democracy if Il Douche asked them to, or something. Okay, it was a manipulative, leading, kinda bullshitty little poll that shouldn't be taken at face value, but WE'VE GOT OUR EYES ON YOU, REPUBLICANS.

Hey, Jolly Jeffrey Lord finally got his propaganda-schilling ass canned over at CNN, and there was MUCH REJOICING! Jeff's raging about the first amendment, but we gleefully informed him that James Madison cut the bit about "And no pompous ass shall lose his cushy pundit gig just cuz he tweets straight-up Nazi shit" at the last minute, because he lost a drinking contest with John Jay.

Anyway. So we're still doing that thing with Russia, where they attack our democracy, so we impose sanctions, and then they fire a bunch of diplomatic staff, and then we thank them for firing them, and -

WAIT, WHAT?

Yep. The President of the United States actually fucking THANKED Vlad Putin for fuckin’ with the ol’ U.S. of A. Save a buck or two, right? Not as much as giving up golf for a couple of weeks, but what're you gonna do?

Hey, I hear Paul Manafort shook up his legal team? I guess a pre-dawn, no-knock raid'll wake a fucker up, huh? Sources tell me our man Paul's finally gonna start doing push-ups again, maybe take another crack at that spy novel gathering dust in the bottom drawer.

...unless the FBI confiscated it, of course. BWHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAH!

If there’s a better example of the sloppy derangement of the right than that Breitbart editor’s meltdown over a Vogue cover shoot with Jennifer Lawrence posing in front of the Statue of Liberty, I can’t imagine what it is.

Breitbart Boy tantrumed about how it was an attack on conservatives to pose by Lady Liberty, because of the argument Tragically Overforeheaded Hatebeast Stephen Miller got into..several weeks after the shoot took place. I don’t get either, folks. Intelligence isn’t exactly a hallmark of this movement. Anyhow, the right wing has ceded the Statue of Liberty, which is...telling.

Crops are rotting in the fields in California, which happens EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME Republicans decide to score a few points with their base of subpar white dudes by cracking down on immigrants, but I guess we're supposed to act surprised.

And I guaran-damn-tee you, when those subpar white dudes pay that extra few bucks at the grocery store, brought on by nothing more or less than their own short-sighted, self-wounding, rage, they'll figure out some way to blame Obama.

Meanwhile, WaPo tells us the Swiss Family Robinshart is turning a merry little profit by overcharging the guests at their D.C. hotel. If someone could somehow communicate to the Rube Army that this sort of corrupt self-enrichment was the only fucking reason this clown ran for President in the first place, I’d be grateful.

Oh man. Sebastian Gorka must've stumbled onto some secret stash of Luftwaffe-issued amphetemines, because he's on a goddamn rampage these days. He's out on cable, bellowing "Pay no attention to ze Secretary uff Schtate, he is a veak man, who speaks only for ozer veak men. Listen to Seb. ONLY TO SEB!"

Isn't it NEAT having a bloated Nazi in some sort of roving, ill-defined national security advisor role? (Spoilerz NO IT IS NOT NEAT.)

Speaking of lunatics making life-or-death decisions on the National Security Council, Foreign Policy got ahold of that memo that got Rich Higgins fired, and CHRIST ON TOAST it’s like a bat guano do-nut with bath salts for sprinkles.

All the conspiracy theorist’s favorite flavors are there. I guess the Ghost of Osama Bin Laden is meeting with George Soros and Rachel Maddow to undermine SHARTUS’ plan to Make America Great Again by golfing all the time.

I don’t fucking know, these people are nuts. Thank god we pried this loon away from the levers of government, but holy fucking shit what was he doing there in the first place? And Steve Bannon is mobilizing Pepe Twitter to attack H.R. McMaster for going, “Hey, maybe we should stop consulting the frothing-at-the-mouth guy on national security matters?”

Shit, it’s a goddamn miracle any of us got to wake up this morning.

But don’t worry, everyone! The Marmalade Shartcannon dispatched his comically inadequate son-in-law to the Middle East to make peace! Shit, I bet Jar-Jar’s got the whole dang thing figured out by the time you’re reading this! PEACE IN OUR TIME, BITCHES!

Oooooo…what’s this, now? Congressional investigators want to ask Donnie Darko’s long-serving personal secretary a few questions? Don’t worry, Shart-O…I’m sure she’s totally willing to go to jail for you. They all are. Flynn, Manafort, Reince…they’ll all fall on the grenade for you, the dude who unhesitatingly sells his buddies out at the first sign of trouble. Hee fuckin’ hee.

And I guess a handful of the Feral Clowns in the Freedom Caucus want another Obamacare repeal vote? Oh honey...it's like having to take a hammer away from a kid because he just won't stop bashing himself in the temple with it. But congratulate yourselves, in attempting to repeal the ACA, you’ve made it more popular than it’s ever been before!

Say, have you ever noticed that you never hear the names of rank-and-file GOP Representatives until they do something jaw-droppingly awful? Well, meet Buddy Carter, from the Georgia First!

Buddy held himself a little townhall. He took some questions. He gave some answers. Answers like "I will happily support obtaining grant money to test the unforgivably deep backlog of untested rape kits...unless they are untested rape kits from SANCTUARY CITIES!"

Yup. If you get raped in a Sanctuary City, no justice for you! Remember ladies, ALWAYS CHECK THE IMMIGRATION POLICIES OF THE CITY YOU'RE GETTING RAPED IN.

And yeah, of there’s the North Korea thing. Couple of Looney Tunes drawing lines in the sand, daring one another to step over them. Hopefully there are enough grownups in the room to prevent a tragedy of historic proportions, but if not, please remember me with less acne than I had in high school.

Anyhow, Tangerine Idi Amin was shootin' the breeze with the fake gnus press and decided to drop the gem that he hadn't ruled out military options...for Venezuela.

Yup. Just bobbin' along, casually threatening to invade a place, because...I don't know, because he's heard of it? Nikki Haley was standing right next to him, she looked like she swallowed half her molars when he said it.

I hope I get sent to the Venezuelan front, not the North Korean front, y'know? Just for the weather.

I dunno. I think we have jumped the proverbial shark today. I mean, a Commander in Chief who doesn't understand that there might be consequences to casually threatening multiple wars in the same day? It's not believable, y'know?

Just as I'm typing this, I see the news where the Misshapen Traffic Cone called up the governor of Guam...to congratulate him on the tourism boost he was about to get from being a potential target for nuclear annihilation.

Does...does...for all his other failings, which are LEGION...does he really fucking think that people vacation in spots they think are about to be atomically incinerated?

The man is not well. Forgive me for saying so, but...shit be cray.

…oh what’s this? A handful of useless, angry white dudes got some tiki torches and carved out a lil’ safe space in Charlottesville tonight?

Fine. Sure. Have your little march tonight, wake up in the same shitty life tomorrow. Millenial Klansman. It’s the annoyance singularity.

LIKE AND SHARE BEFORE WE ALL DIE IN AN ATOMIC FIREBALL, PLEASE!

I tell ya what, maybe I've been blowing things out of proportion these last few weeks. Yeah, stuff really seems to have settled down, maybe all this worry has been for no-

Oh, hang on. I'm behind on my cell phone bill, my data got cut off. Lemme pay that off real quick, see if I missed anything...

...

...

Oh. So we're having a 21st century nuclear standoff, where the fate of all life on Earth hangs on the whims two buffoons with the personalities of Kids Who Don't Make it to the Second Reel of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?

Neat.

(I thought it was weird everybody was still talking about nothing but Twin Peaks on Wednesday.)

Well shit, y'all. Let's make ourselves a little time capsule, so that when aliens land, centuries from now, their archaeologists understand the petty shit we were bickering over in the hours before we were all annihilated by toddlers.

So, Mike Pence keeps hiring heavy-hitter GOP campaign operatives, for reasons that are TOTALLY NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AFTER YOU GET THROWN IN JAIL FOREVER, DONALD, HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT, WE HAZED THE CABINET TOGETHER, DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE MADE WILBUR ROSS EAT THE SOGGY CRACKER? WE ARE A BAND OF BROTHERS!

The Shart House has been under fire for its silence regarding the terrorist attack on a suburban Minneapolis mosque, but don't worry, they finally sent the Nordic God of Bedside Manner, "Dr." Sebastian Gorka, out to smooth shit over for the cameras.

Seb's volcanic take was "Ve do not know iff zis vas an actual act uf terrorism, or if it vas a valse vlag operation, designed by tricksy liberals to make real Amerikans belieff in racism, vich iz fake."

Lemme remind errybody real quick that Seb Gorka is a LEGIT NAZI. A year ago, it would have been a front page scandal if an American President had a fucking PHONE CALL with this fascist shitstack, and now he's being trotted out to say that Maybe These Muslims Bombed Their Own Temple to Make White Folks Look Bad.

Fuck it. LAUNCH THE FUCKING MISSILES, KIM!

See that thing in Vice? That thing where SHARTUS gets a folder, twice daily, full of favorable press coverage and flattering photographs and the little poems Stephen Miller writes on scented paper?

Yeah, taxpayers are paying some kid to sit in some supply closet at the Pentagon, using photoshop to shrink the President's ass in golf photos so that he doesn't throw a tantrum and send armed drones to the districts that voted for Hillary.

...that kid's actually got the most important job on the planet, doesn't she?

Oh fuck, what's THIS shit? Erik Prince, the Blackwater douche, has a plan to PRIVATIZE THE WAR IN AFGHANISTAN!

Weirdly, Erik's plan amounts to "Write Erik Prince a giant fucking check and turn him loose!" Steve Bannon, who made a documentary about how rad Sarah Palin is, and Jared Kushner, who wrecked a newspaper his daddy bought for him, think this plan is the bee's fuckin' knees, so the President is probably figuring out if he can set up a side grift hooking Prince's boys up with Trump-branded helmets and k-rations.

Sleep tight!

Oh, and Jeff Sessions keeps instigating Justice Department heel turns, this time switching sides in an Ohio voting rights case. Y'see, Ohio, everybody's favorite swing state with a Republican Secretary of State, wants to purge voters from the rolls if they've missed an election or two. That a ridiculously unpopular president, smuggled into the White House thanks to an obscene trick of the Electoral College after finishing in second place in a low-turnout election, will shortly be facing an electorate freshly invigorated by an infusion of Spicy-Hot Resistance is, I'm told, just another of those zany, zany coincidences.

Meanwhile Paul Manafort found out exactly what Robert Mueller would do for a Klondike bar...apparently sending the FBI out on a pre-dawn, no-knock raid to one of his residences!

Yep, a couple weeks back, the FBI got a warrant (which means they had to demonstrate they had a good damn reason for the raid), knocked on Paulie Ukraine's BEDROOM DOOR, and turned the place upside down looking for tax docs and foreign banking records.

My sources tell me that Manafort, while generally pleased that the FBI didn't seem to notice his pirated bluray disc of THE NUT JOB 2: NUTTY BY NATURE, is still more or less shitting his pants from dawn till dusk these days.

Weirdly, all those frothing-mad tweets the Marmalade Shartcannon sent out a lil' while ago? The ones where he shit directly down Jeff Sessions' throat for recusing himself from the Russia investigation? Yeah, those happened a couple hours after the Manafort raid.

WACKY.

Anyhow, I'm sure the Manafort hit piece your boy published in the National Enquirer will get the fuzz off your tail, Donnie.

Hey, speaking of Mueller, it seems the Candycorn Skidmark has been sending him friendly little messages of greetings and gratitude! How neighborly!

It's so fucking funny watching this blundering doofus futilely try to work the refs. He's out merrily golfing in Bedminster thinking, "I may've committed Honey Bunches of Treason, but that tray of brownies I sent to the guy investigating me will clear the whole thing up!" EVERYBODY FUCKING LOVES IVANKA'S BROWNIES.

Senator Ron Johnson, weighing in on the recent (ginormous) failure of the GOP Health Care bill, posited that perhaps John McCain's brain tumor was a factor in his surprise, bill-killing vote, because it was past his old man bedtime, and he probably thought they were asking him if he wanted to watch one more Murder, She Wrote, but it was one he'd already seen, so he gave the thumbs down. Because Ron Johnson was carved from a block of PURE CLASS.

...ok.

So let's talk about NORTH KOREA.

Ah yes. Northernmost of the Koreas.

Our Idiot Manchild President decided it'd be a good idea to keep antagonizing this oddly-overarmed third world shithole, because people who aren't potential trophy wives don't register as "human" in his pea-sized brain.

He spouted some tough-guy talk about "Fire and fury" or "Ripping out their eyes and skull-fucking them in front of their wives" or some shit, with his arms tightly folded around himself, in the universally-recognized I'm-talking-out-of-my-ass-while-simultaneously-shitting-myself-that's-kind-of-a-neat-trick-yeah? gesture. Truly, he is Eisenhower reborn.

That literally happened while I was shitting. I pop into a Panda Express restroom, I do my thing, I wipe, I come out, and I guess the President has threatened a nuclear first strike on a country that might react god knows how, because it's governed by a Looney Tunes Dodo WHO HAS THE FUCKING BOMB, YOU NUMBNUTS!!!

First thing Dorito Mussolini did this morning was brag about all the badass modernization of the nuclear arsenal he's done since he took over! Now, the truth is, he hasn't done jack shit, but that won't stop the posturing, of course. Who knows, maybe he gave a top secret order, and now all the warheads have little tiny sawblades attached to them that spin really fast and fuck up anybody who gets too close to the bombs before they liquify every ounce of organic matter for miles in every direction.

Decals. That's probably it. He had them slap lighting bolt decals on the nukes, BAM, MODERNIZED.

Some creep called Robert Jeffress, who I guess is some kind of hate rally warm-up act/mega-church pastor, is making the rounds screeching about how he ate some Little Debbie cakes four years after their expiration date, and then he saw God, and God told him that he sent the Man With Phalangeal Stunting to this World of Sin in order to cleanse North Korea from the face of the earth in holy fire or some psychotic apocalyptic shit or other.

Now, I don't keep up with the evangelical movement, and while I'm enjoying the way they've permanently ceded the moral high ground in propping up such a pathetically obvious charlatan as Donald J. Trump (The "J" stands for "I Steal From Charity to Buy Paintings of Myself JUST LIKE FUCKIN' JESUS", but for real folks...it takes about 8 seconds worth of video to figure our this Jeffress tool is full of shit up to his eyeballs. Y'all really are nothing but rubes, aren'tcha?

Basically, everybody in the cabinet is saying something different. Rex Tillerson's all "Shucks, he didn't mean it, he's just a big dumb galoot" and Mad Dog Mattis is trying to posture while simultaneously walking back the red line before the ghost of Peter Sellers decides he's heard his cue and it's time to take the reins. Somewhere, Ben Carson is doubtlessly suggesting North Korea use their missiles to store grain.

And now you've got North Korean generals talking about how the Shart is "bereft of reason" and what he says is "a load of nonsense," and you're all, "I KNOW, RIGHT, pull up a fucking bar stool, you military dictator you, I'll tell YOU about "bereft of reason," shit, did you see the rally where went off on the fly that was buzzing around him?"

In the background, H.R. McMaster's busy working up a powerpoint that says people on Guam really love buying Trump Steaks so the President doesn't decide that letting them take the hit is worth bumping his approvals to the low forties.

All I know is, if Kim Jong-un suggests Drumpfy isn't really a billionaire, we're all gonna fuckin' die.

Anyway, we still don't have an ambassador to South Korea, but hell, what's the worst that could happen?

Oh, right. Nuclear holocaust.

Anyway, what else is going on?

Shiny New Chief of Staff John Kelly has had some impressive success in bringing military discipline to the Shart House...but he went a bridge too far when he tried to reign in the Circuit Peanut Manbaby's precious Twitter account!

"NO! I'm the President, and you won't let me start any wars or launch any nukes or grab any pussies SO I'M NOT LETTING YOU TAKE AWAY MY TWITTER!!!" the most powerful man in the world raged, before wearing himself out and falling asleep on the floor of Kellyanne Conway's office. "He's colicky today," General Kelly said, wearily, carefully setting the nuclear football on the other side of the room so as not to wake the President.

And don't forget, coming soon to a drive-in near you: Gamera, Jr versus Shartzilla! In the Battle for Blame! Nuclear-fueled egos wrapped in cheap rubber monster costumes, pathetically flailing at each other through the media! IN REAL 3-D!

Yep, I guess Yertle was calling out Donnie for having "unreasonable expectations," like that Young Mitch had any idea how to pass legislation (spoilers: nah) or that's it's possible to spend thirty minutes talking about health care with Rand Paul without wanting to pass a bill that just strips health care from Rand Paul under all circumstances until the end of time.

Team Shart shot back, riding McConnell's withered reptilian ass for failing to deliver on a 7-year promise to provide thousands of fresh souls to his Vengeful Tortoise God, because nobody's bothered to tell him that his inevitable impeachment trial will take place in the United States Senate.

Sean Hannity, whose ongoing meltdown is the best thing on tv, reacted with predictable restraint.

On the lighter side, somebody inflated a giant balloon chicken with Drumpf-like hair by the White House tonight.

I can handle all of this insanity, I really can. But then I found out that we had a chance to throw Jill Stein in jail today, and it slipped through our fingers?

Fuck everything.

Glen Campbell got out while the gettin' was good, I tell ya.

Ruminations on Orrin's Last Wad

Things get quiet when the Velveeta Urinal Cake goes on vacation, don't they?

...a little TOO quiet, if you ask m- (JUMP SCARE as Sean Spicer leaps from bushes, cradling a contraband mini-fridge!)

Yes, things may seem, at first glance, a little calmer than usual, but if you poke around the edges, you'll find that...shit remains...cray.

I mean, Mummified Salem Witch Trials Judge Orrin Hatch is stumbling around talking about the Shooting of Wads, for chrissakes! Let's check in with the madness, campers...

Arizona Senator Jeff Flake is out on a book tour, lamenting the descent of the Republican Party into a bunch of demented, dishonest, spineless, cowards like...Jeff Flake! Yeah the dude who votes for everything Dummp wants is working on a rebrand where he's not just a craven servant to a historically shameful regime, but a craven servant to a historically shameful regime who periodically says "tsk tsk." Good luck in the midterms, Jeff.

Oh, and Team Shart apparently wants to do away with an Obama-era rule that allows nursing home residents to sue for neglect and abuse. That's really happening. In real life. The President of the United States doesn't want your grandma to have legal rights if she's abused by the people she pays to take care of her.

Like, Lex Luthor is over in the corner, looking at this shit, going "Whoa. DICK MOVE, GUYS." How can these shitbags get any more villainous? Mandatory head lice in public schools? Maybe just Stephen Miller eating puppies for twenty minutes every press briefing?

I'm starting to think this Trump fellow isn't very nice.

Anyway. Norman Lear let everybody know that he'll be skipping the Shart House reception after the Kennedy Center Awards (where he's being honored this year), because he possesses basic human decency and why would anyone want to lend their light to a dirtbag like Il Douche?

Alan Dershowitz popped up over the weekend to talk about what a raw deal Bashful Bob Mueller's giving the Tangelo Tumor in impanelling his Grand Funk Juryailroad in Washington D.C., where so many people are liberal and, coughcoughBlack.

I don't think you need to worry, Al. After all, I keep hearing about how totally and completely not-even-a-wee-bit-racist Drumpkins is, right? Why, it only took a few weeks worth of media pressure to get him to denounce David Duke that one time! C'mon, be fair! There're only like, half a dozen or so white nationalists in high-level executive branch positions! HOW CAN YOU SUGGEST THAT AN ETHNICALLY DIVERSE GRAND JURY WOULD BE UNFAIR TO HIM?

Anyhow, D.C. is where the laws're being broken, so D.C.'s where the impanellin' is done. Them's the rules. Sorry we couldn't do it at a Ted Nugent concert, chumps.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel launched a counteroffensive on Jeff Sessions' War to Reclaim America For Shitty White People, suing over Ol' Beauregard's attempt to strip "sanctuary cities" of federal funding. Personally, I think Rahm and Beau should settle this thing INSIDE A STEEL CAGE, but I suppose the courts will do.

Oh, and I guess Number Two got caught playing the Game of Thrones, eh? The Failing New York Times dropped a bomb over the weekend about how Lil' Man Pence is sneaking around behind Boss Shart's back, courtin' donors for when the Esident-pray gets im-eached-pay.

Pence issued a suitably obsequious denial, saying "No, no, I was just hanging out with all those billionaires to talk about how normal your hands are, and how much legislation you've signed, and how much Salma Hayek wants to date you," but you know Shartboy's huddling with Bannon to see about replacing his Veep with Scott Baio.

Hey, we should congratulate Overgroomed Spokesdemon Kayleigh McEnany for suddenly getting All the Jobs! Yes, Kayleigh left her post lying to America on CNN to lie more directly to America on a new, not-at-all-V-for-Vendetta-esque SharTV media outlet! Plus, she's now the official Spokesmonster for the whole dang RNC! Shit, she'll probably be the next Homeland Security Secretary!

In more serious news, Resistors...I'm worried. I'm worried that Dorito Mussolini may have finally figured out how to turn things around, and get America to love him in spite of his many, many (MANY) flaws.

Yes, even with the plummeting approval ratings, the broken promises, the non-existent manufacturing and mining jobs, the sexual assault accusations, the lack of legislative accomplishments, the humiliating health care defeat, the understaffed government, the brazen fraud, the shameless grifting, the embarrassingly-too-long-neckties, the failures upon failures upon failures, he's finally struck the mother lode.

You see, he's tweeting insults at Connecticut Senator Richard Blumenthal. All fucking day long.

And as any fool can tell you, dislike of Connecticut Senator Richard Blumenthal registers as THE leading issue with American voters of every creed and color. From the most venerable matriarch to the freshest newborn babe, it is the burning hatred of Connecticut Senator Richard Blumenthal that unites us. It is an issue more potent than national security or jobs or even ethics in gaming journalism. More than apple pie, the Stars n' Stripes, or Stone Cold Steve Austin knockin' back beers on the top turnbuckle...shitting on Connecticut Senator Richard Blumenthal is WHAT MAKES US FUCKING AMERICAN.

Seriously though, I love me some Blumenthal. That Vietnam thing wasn't cool, but watching the five-time draft-dodger point that (unusually tiny) finger is fucking hilarious.

The Rat-Feces-Infested Circus Peanut further ragetweeted that the mainstream media didn't pay attention to the UN Security Council passing new sanctions on North Korea...at the precise moment Jake Tapper was covering the story on CNN. It's sort of sad, really.

It's difficult not to mention that our tough-on-terror President has plenty of time to throw poo at a Senator he doesn't like, but has not one fucking word to say about the actual terrorist attack that took place on American soil. Because...well, because he's the moral equivalent of truck stop toilet clogged with an adult diaper.

After months of insulting and alienating our oldest and most loyal allies, Team Shart sent the Inspector Clouseau of Statecraft, Rex Tillerson, to the Philippines to make nice with Rodrigo Duterte, a petty thug who literally brags about committing murder. No doubt future generations will re-enact the American Secretary of State kissing a murderous autocrat's ass in 4th of July pageants for centuries to come.

The unrelenting taint jackhammer that is Polling continues the ritual bludgeoning of the Presidential grundle. You KNOW shit's bad when even Kellyanne can't spin it.

CNN released a particularly brutal poll this evening. Approval's down, disapproval's up, "strong approval" has dwindled to basically just creepy old guys who watch high school volleyball games and Bill O'Reilly's imaginary friend. Nobody likes him, nobody trusts him, everybody's embarrassed by him...no wonder Pence is walking around with his hat out.

See? Slow news day. Barely worth mentioning. Anyway, I'm late for a tea party with a talking bunny. Thanks for reading, and never ever forget...VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS!

Happy Impanelling Day, Everyone!

There's no fucking way all this shit happened since the last time I wrote one of these. It's been like, 23 hours. One short American day, and it's like a 13th Floor Elevators record fucked a Mark Leyner novel. WHAT THE LIVING FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY.

We greeted the morning, sun-kissed and dew-fresh, with the Velveeta Merkin's latest twitter tantrum, raging at Congress for bringing relations with Russia to an "all-time & very dangerous low." You guys, Vlad won't even let Lil' Donnie come over to play Duck Hunt, and he's got the zapper gun and everything!

Yep, the American President, who didn't get mad when his intelligence services told him that Russia had attacked our democracy, and planned to keep on doing so in the future, pitched a fit when Congress passed sanctions designed to punish them, and, y'know...PROTECT THE FUCKING COUNTRY HE'S FUCKING PRESIDENT OF. MURICA FIRST!

And then we were treated to leaks of some transcripts of phone calls with foreign leaders from Drumpfy's salad days (taco bowl days?) as the most powerful human on earth, when he still had a spring in his jackbooted step, full of youthful dreams of autocracy and using the U.S. treasury as his personal petty cash drawer.

You read these transcripts, they make you go, "Holy FUCK, this guy couldn't pass a third grade social studies test!" Makes you wonder how much of John Kelly's day is spent tying the President's shoes and intercepting him before he runs into glass doors, doesn't it?

My personal favorite bit was where the Shart of the Deal begged Mexican President Enrique Peńa Nieto to please please please not embarrass him by telling the press Mexico would never ever pay for his Big Stupid Wall. He threatened and whined and eventually even begged before walking away with...the polar opposite of what he wanted.

I just don't understand how this veritable God of Negotiation didn't get a health care bill done.

He also got caught saying he won New Hampshire (which Hillary Clinton won, by the way), because it's a "drug-infested den." I'd like to just take a moment to thank Dorito Mussolini for taking those 4 electoral votes off the table for 2020.

Indiana Jones' shittiest nemesis, Seb Gorka, went on Fux Nooz to peddle the somewhat novel theory that his boss will be able to pressure China to reign in North Korea with...the awesome power of his mighty Twitter feed!

Yes, Sebastian, I'm sure the spittle-drenched ravings of a septuagenarian toddler can move mountains. Good thing Shartboy wasn't the President in Independence Day, he'd be out there futilely mashing his childlike fingers all over his smartphone, ten minutes later the whole human race would be reduced to some sort of nutritional paste.

H.R. McMaster and John Kelly have been sweeping some of the frothier nutjobs out of important national security jobs, and the alt-right is mad...der than usual. McMaster certainly didn't make any new friends in the Infowars corner of the internet when he cleared Susan Rice of any wrongdoing in the faux unmasking "scandal." To be fair, he's probably a globalist lizard person.

Bat-Poo-Covered Propagandist Sean Hannity is taking this...poorly. And of course the basement-dwelling wing of the Drumpf movement keeps things predictably classy.

As you can see, it was kind of a slow news day. I mean, I think I saw something about Robert Mueller impanelling a grand jury in D.C., and I think maybe Sarah Huckabee Sanders got a pet rock for her office, but otherwise it --

Ok, maybe that news was pretty big. Hope so. Hope it lands like a comet right in the middle of the Pile of Sphincters currently polluting our executive branch, an extinction-level event that wipes Drumpfism from our county for all time, leaving nothing but Steve Bannon's fossilized liver for future generations to study.

Yes, Rugged Robert impaneled the shit out of that grand jury, right in Washington D.C. (Admit it, you didn't know "impanel" was a word before today, did you? I sure fuckin' didn't. Seen it so much these last four hours it's probably gonna be my first kid's middle name.) Word is the subpeonas are already rolling out for folks connected to Shithead Jr's Excellent Adoption, excuse me, Collaboration Adventure.

Yeah, this means subpoenas for documents and testimony. It means this Flock of Rectums has to testify under oath. It means Boisterous Bob and his team of Crack Ambidextrous Ninja Cake Boss Lawyers (Though I'm still waiting for them to hire a demolitions expert. Gotta have a demolitions expert.), whatever they've found, have seen enough to keep digging. It means Jared Kushner's going through six pairs of underpants per day.

It means these assholes are in some serious shit. It means this gang of cheap crooks, who lie like most folks breathe, are finally about to get marched into the room where lying is a prosecutable crime.

And just to grind the boot that stomped so firmly down on the Trumpal scrotum, CNN reports that Mueller's probe has expanded beyond collusion and obstruction to whatever financial crimes happen to turn up during the investigation.

Now, Sharton Fink claimed this was a "red line" whose crossing he wouldn't tolerate, but Mueller's jurisdiction is clear. Personally, I'm picturing the first day of the impeachment trial, with the President raging from the witness stand as Mueller calmly, quietly, unbuttons his shirt, revealing his torso to be covered in the incriminating tax returns Littlefinger tried so desperately to bury.

The CNN story also says the investigations have turned up communications regarding attempted collusion on the part of Russian agents, which mentioned somebody named...Manafort, or something? I feel like I've seen that name someplace.

Anyway, John Kelly locked the President in a crate in a corner of the Oval Office until he promised to be a good boy and not try to fire Mueller.

Apparently the Secret Service vacated their command center in Drumpf Dower? Because this Assclown was trying to grift a little more cash out of the organization employed to protect him and his family? Christ on Melba Toast, how the fuck is this real life?

(Of course, one can't help but wonder if these crooks might not be wild about the inescapable presence of subpoena-susceptible secret service agents while they're busy with all their treason and collusion and what have you.)

Oh, and Mike Flynn popped up to revise his disclosure forms again, this time revealing a role with a Mercer-backed data analytics firm being investigated for...you guessed it, potential collusion with Russia.

It's kind of fun, watching these bastards squirm as they keep getting caught in lie after lie. Six months from now, Steve Bannon'll be amending forms because he forgot about that THIRD intern's corpse webbed up in the corner of his hive-like West Wing office.

West Virginia governor Jim Justice decided to switch parties, leaving the Democrats to join the Republicans at the Candycorn Skidmark's rally tonight. You gotta admire the political instincts of a dude who waits until a guy's approval ratings hit 33% before rushing to stand beside him. Double-J's like a guy who moves to Pompeii ten minutes after he sees the volcano erupt. Far be it from me to judge.

At the rally, Shart Garfunkel proudly proclaimed "there were no Russians in our campaign," because the bar is lowering at warp speed these days. By the way, even that isn't true, as everyone who remembers Boris Epshteyn will tell you.

Amusingly, Pumpkin Spice Goebbels waited until tonight's rally, a week after his health care bill died like Collateral Beauty at the box office, to encourage his supporters to call their Senators to support it. Not since Lyndon Johnson has such mastery of legislative process been witnessed.

Speaking of, on the way out the door for their August recess, the Senate announced a series of pro-forma sessions, to prevent Smallhands Magoo from replacing Jeff Sessions with Omarosa or whatever other manic whim might cross his hair-tonic-addled brain. Really, nice job with all those tweets going after Senators in your own party, genius.

Speaking of the recess, I wish Yertle and his team nothing but the best as they spend the next few weeks explaining to their constituents, "Hey, yeah, we totally tried to murder a whole bunch of y'all, but the good news is, we're such a bunch of clown-like fuck-ups, we couldn't get it done!"

And while I hate to wrap up on a down note, it appears that Sean Spicer has turned down Dancing With the Stars, boooo. Producers allegedly tempted Spicey by offering him the chance to perform the traditional "Dance of the Seven Bushes," but the recently deposed press secretary wants to confine himself to private humiliations, at least for the near term.

Before I sign off for the evening, I do need to issue an apology to you, readers. I overlooked the story about Tangerine Idi Amin turning down the opportunity to play the President in a Sharknado movie because he decided he'd much rather fuck shit up for realz, and if crap like that slips through the cracks, what the fuck am I even doing here?

Anyhow, I'm gonna go sit in the corner of my padded cell and smear poems about my shame on the walls. In my own feces, of course. What else can one do when shit is this goddamn insane?

The White House is a Dump and the Statue of Liberty is Wrong and George Washington was CUCK, y'all.

Hey everybody. Are you like me? Are you contemplating installing windshield wipers on your eyelids to keep the never-ending hurricane of batguano from pelting you into blindness?

It's understandable. Now more than ever before...shit be cray. Let's dig in.

While the Shart Administration struggled to stay on message during "Made in America Week" and "Infrastructure Week," "Whites Only Week" is going swimmingly!

Yes, with his approval ratings in the crapper, and his dreams of shafting Obama by repealing his signature health care legislation crashing and burning like Stephen Miller at a singles bar, Misshapen Traffic Cone/Improbable American President Donald J. Trump (The "J" stands for "Failure" has decided to get back to the one thing he does well: telling shitty white folks that brown people are fucking up their lives, and isn't that a machete-wielding undocumented immigrant leering in your living room window right now?

Apparently the Justice Department wants to rearrange some resources to finally address the scourge of discrimination in college admissions...against white people!

Yessir, Jeff Sessions wants you to know that even if you're a malicious, walnut-brained goon, you can grow up to be Attorney General of the Whole Dang United States...so long as you're white! Ol' Beauregard wants to inspire the rage-filled, basement-dwelling mediocrities of today to become oppressive drug warriors of tomorrow! I hear he's offering an internship program where high school bullies can spend their summers helping southern cops pretend to smell marijuana during traffic stops so they can seize poor minorities' assets.

Now, Justice denies this, and considering this administration's established track record for honesty, I think we should treat that denial appropriately. Don't forget to flush when you're done.

And of course the Anthropomorphic Outhouse signed onto a Tom Cotton/David Perdue bill that would cut legal immigration in half, breaking yet another campaign promise, in order to placate the Richard Spencer crowd. (The half that still gets to come in can wash dishes at Marm-a-Lago, of course.)

The NAACP issued a travel advisory for, not a dangerous foreign country, but fucking MISSOURI in reaction to the recently-passed law increasing the burden of proof for cases of discrimination based on protected classes like race or gender. What wondrous times we live in. It's like whole swaths of America get to operate as 50's-themed amusement parks. Kids, tell your parents to take you to JimCrowLand! Five dollars off admission with a Chick-fil-A wrapper!

Anyway. We're getting all kinds of stories about new Chief of Staff John Kelly whippin' the Shart House into shape, aren't we? Word is, Il Douche is paying attention in meetings now, and -

Hold up. Is this, finally, what we've come to, not even 200 days in? The President, rather than chewing on paste and sending unsolicited dick pics to instagram celebrities, is PAYING ATTENTION TO HIS JOB SOMETIMES.

Is this the mountain we're so proud to climb now? Is this what American Exceptionalism has settled for? We won two World Wars. We put a man on the ever-lovin' MOON. We made Frankie Muniz a millionaire.

But now, the thing we're supposed to feel good about is that President Turdweasel sat still for half an hour. EVERYBODY STAND UP AND SING TOBY KEITH SONGS WITH TEARS IN THE EYES RIGHT THIS FUCKING SECOND, GODDAMMIT.

While I'm not entirely comfortable with all the military personnel occupying positions of power, at least we're getting some welcome news in the form of the batshittier members of the National Security team getting kicked to the curb.

Ezra Cohen-Watnick, the scumfuck who collaborated with Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes to fabricate support for Shartboy's claim that Obama was tapping his phones and microwaves and tooth fillings, got fired tonight. YAY.

Some lunatic named Rich Higgins also got cut, for writing and circulating a paranoid memo arguing that a coalition of Islamists and Leftist Deep Staters and Pastry Chefs and Floating Little Fat People were constantly conspiring to undermine Drumpfy-Poo. Great that he's gone, more than passingly horrifying that he was in government in the first place.

Anyhow, there are fewer lunatic Breitbart Bannonites making our national security decisions, and that, at least, is good gnus. And we found out that Kelly and Secretary of Defense Mattis made a pact to split SCROTAL babysitting duties between them, so the Idiot Manchild President can't start a nuclear war just because Kellyanne let his diaper fill up, so that's good. I think.

Anyhow, getting back to the pathetic stuff:

President Shartcannon got caught making up two phone calls, one with the President of Mexico, one with the Boy Scouts of America, in which they allegedly heaped praise on him for his deft speechifyin', and his entirely non-freakish finger length.

Also, Donnie Darko decided to avoid the humiliation of a veto override, and signed the Russian sanctions bill. Now, that might not sound like big news to you, but imagine if YOU had to walk into YOUR boss' office and announce you'd signed off on sanctioning HIM. Not so funny now, is it. IS IT?!?! (Yes, it is.)

To rub a little salt in the wound, Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev tweeted at Smallhands Magoo, mocking him for getting cucked so hard by Democracy and the legislature and whatnot. Doesn't it help you sleep better, knowing that foreign adversaries know that they can undermine our democracy by getting under our President's millimeter-thin skin? Someday Putin will suggest Nancy Pelosi impugned Drumpf's sexual capacity, and then we'll be in the shit for real.

Speaking of Russia, Rex Tillerson is apparently declining funds allocated to combat Russian disinformation, because...because Fuck American Democracy, I'm a Muthafuckin' Plutocraaaaaaat!! or something. Shit, why should the Secretary of State do anything to protect the country he serves, amiright?

Rex is also playing around with dropping the promotion of Democracy from State's Mission Statement. Thank all the heavens that the second-place popular vote finisher ushered in a new American age, where our nation doesn't even stand for fucking DEMOCRACY anymore. We'll be great again any minute now, I can feel it.

Oh, and hey, I guess Dorito Mussolini tells his golf buddies that he hates staying at the White House, because it's such a "dump!" Just fills your heart with patriotic pride, doesn't it? Remember when the right got on Obama for failing to wear a sufficiently large flag pin? Fun times, those.

Paul Ryan cut a little fanfic video for Boss Shart's Big Stupid Wall, because he's spineless and obsequious and apparently worried that there might be somebody, somewhere in America, who still respects him.

And I guess Dancing With the Stars Reject Rick Perry is being considered for the freshly-vacated Homeland Security Secretary post? Jesus fucking Christ. Remember when he didn't know his current job entailed overseeing our nuclear arsenal? I'm sitting here imaging what this clown doesn't know about DHS, and it makes me want to build a motherfucking fallout shelter.

Apparently Shartolo Colon decided to take a stab at Uncle Vlad's state-run media shtick, with his daughter-in-law hosting a little facebook session airing the usual grievances about the mainstream media and what have you. If America chooses to collectively sit at the foot of a human being who would voluntarily share their life with Eric Trump, well, I suppose we deserve what we get.

The polls continue to serve as a regular taint-jackhammer to the Hairplug That Ate Decency. He hit 33% in Q today, and even non-college-educated whites are starting to catch on to the con. Tick tock, campers...the day when we all get to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS rapidly approacheth.

We got a special treat at the press briefing this afternoon, as Malevolent Forehead Demon Stephen Miller took the stage!

Miller, somehow an avowed white supremacist despite spending his whole life being, y'know...STEPHEN MILLER, touted the ridiculously racist Cotton/Perdue bill that has zero chance of actually becoming law, because when you can't accomplish things, talking about the things you'd like to do is about as close to Winning as you can get.

One of the fun things about Miller is his incredulous bitchiness when confronted by anyone who suggests his personal, insecurity-driven racism is anything less than universally-accepted truth. He screeched at Glenn Thrush for showing a little basic humanity, and he REALLY lost his shit at Jim Acosta, quickly taking sides against THE STATUE OF FUCKING LIBERTY because it is a Cuck Statue that should be giving the finger instead of holding a torch, and instead of Emma Lazarus' poem it should have Ann Coulter's latest ragetweet, and then he screamed for twenty minutes about how he is a white man and he should be treated like a king instead of having to pay $200 and also wear a bag over his head just to get a woman to hug him.

Anyhow. Then Sarah Huckabee Sanders came out to defend her boss for lying about compliments from the Boy Scouts, because that's what we do now, I guess. She did invite a kid to the White House, to meet...the groundskeeper. Because the President is too busy golfing with oligarchs to meet you, ya little piece of shit.

And I guess Yertle's gonna start the August recess a little early this year, cuz they can't accomplish anything anyway, so why spend more time with Ted Cruz? I feel that, actually.

The Daily Beast reports that back in the once-upon-a-time days of Shart-O's attempted travel ban, his DHS ordered its employees to stonewall immigration lawyers and members of congress.

Horrifying. But I tell ya, Resisters...when I think back to that genuinely terrifying would-be power grab, and how we stood up, as a nation, and said FUCK NO...I'm proud of us. If they'd have gotten away with what they were trying to get away with that day...God only knows where we'd be today. But they didn't.

And now the Vatican is laying the smack down on faux-Catholic shitsacks for making an "alliance of hate" with the Shart Regime? Daaaaaaaamn. Party at my place for Bannon's excommunication, kids.

There's more, I know. This post is like, seven inches too long, and I didn't even get to everything. That's how deep into Arkham we all are these days. And tomorrow, you'll wake up, grab your phone, and there'll be a push notification from CNN announcing that the President declared war on Rohan or some shit.

Whatever. Bring it. COME AT ME, NEWS!

Alas, Poor Mooch...

Well, shit. Kind of a slow news day, huh?

Yeah, I seriously scanned my notes, thought, “slow day, I might not even post tonight.” A day like this would’ve made newspapers spontaneously combust in any other administration of my lifetime, but it struck me, for a moment, as almost not interesting enough to comment on.

Standards…they change, do they not?

The Shart of the Deal threw himself a little Twitter tantrum over the weekend, targeting Senators in his own party, bitching about their inability to heartlessly toss millions of citizens off the rolls of the insured, calling them “total fools” and “quitters” and “pathetic losers that Salma Hayek refuses to date,” not that he’s ever projecting when he criticizes people.

He sent Mick Mulvaney out to suggest that the Senate shouldn’t do anything else, pass no budgets, raise no debt ceilings, name nary a Post Office, until they deliver the Obama-shafting triumph that Il Douche is so very desperate for. “I only even RAN for President because a black guy laughed at me!” tantrumed the Shart, pitching his ice cream at the wall, “When do I get to repeal something Obama diiiiiiiiid?”

The President then sobbed for a bit, crapped his pants, and finally curled up for a nap in Steve Bannon’s office, on the couch that smells like gin.

Senators responded to SCROTUS’ demands with a rousing “Nah,” because nobody respects or fears his comically ineffectual White House anymore, which is pretty typical for six months in, right?

Aging detective novel murderer Orrin Hatch even gave an interview saying “Jesus Fuck, have you MET the Senate Republican caucus? Tell you what, YOU sit in a room with Ted Cruz and Rand Paul for ten minutes without killing yourself, let alone figuring out complex policy shit. Fuck you man, I miss Ted Kennedy,” before punching himself in the temple until he passed out.

(How bad is it for Team Shart? Shit, even cartoonishly-Republican-leaning Rasmussen Reports has his approval/disapproval at 39/61 today, with a paltry 26% strongly approving. Given Ras’ conservative bias, that means Drumpf’s actual support is down to just gun store owners, Uncles Who Don’t Get Invited to Thanksgiving Anymore, and That One Gym Teacher Who Got Fired For Putting a Camera in the Locker Room.)

Paul Ryan took a few shots of his own, saying his House of Representatives is the only arm of government that’s working, I guess because they passed a shit bill with 17% approval that will annihilate his majority and end his speakership in a year and half, despite never ever ever becoming law. LEADERSHIP!

Oh hell, didja see that thing where a bunch of the lying, thieving, murdering, scumfucks in the Shittiest Cabinet Ever have themselves a little Bible study group? For fuck’s sake, if it’s not these dirtbags gathered in a circle, quaking in fear over their own rapidly-approaching damnation, they must be working from a different Bible than the one I remember from Sunday school. Seriously…Sessions, Perry, Pruitt, DeVos, Perdue, Price and Pompeo? Hope they meet in a lightning-proof room.

Oh, I see that America’s Toughest Sheriff, excuse me, Surliest Jagoff, Joe Arpaio went and got himself convicted of criminal contempt! Arizona Joe faces up to six months in prison, no word on whether he’ll be forced to serve it wearing pink panties in the blazing sun. Me, I think six months locked in a Lollapalooza outhouse oughtta reform the old fucker. Couldn’t happen to a nastier old fuckhead, so congrats!

And speaking of shitty things happening to shitty people, the Mooch got canned, before he could even lay claim to Sean Spicer’s contraband mini-fridge! One minute you’re sweeping rivals out of the White House, giddily preparing to manipulate the Idiot Manchild Occupying the Oval Office for your own ends, the next you’re divorced, unemployed, and the single most mocked man in America! Life comes atcha FAST, amiright?

Mooch’s defenestration allegedly came at the behest of shiny new Chief of Staff, John Kelly. CNN celebrated Kelly’s swearing-in by publishing a report claiming he almost resigned over Jazzy Jim Comey’s firing. I bet that’ll make his new boss super-happy, and that they’ll go on to pass tons of legislation together, and make America great, and that Dorito Mussolini will never, ever, EVER throw his new toy general under the bus, because he’s changed now, and he really loves you, John.

Foreign Policy tells us that Jared Kushner is leaning HARD into the how-could-we-have-colluded-look-how-fucking-stupid-we-are-I-stabbed-myself-in-the-face-six-times-just-trying-to-eat-a-salad defense. While I don’t expect this to work in the end, to his credit Jar-Jar plays the Massive Blundering Dumbass part convincingly enough to earn De Niro’s envy.

Jeff Flake, Junior Senator from Arizona, decided to escalate his war with the Marmalade Shartcannon, throwing down the gauntlet in a Politico editorial. Now, smarter folks than me are saying “Hey, words are kewl, Jeff, but what’re you gonna DO?” but considering Shartboy has already threatened to finance a primary challenger for Flake, this is certainly a subplot worth following. Is this posturing, or is the GOP finally starting to seriously turn on the Anthropomorphic Outhouse? Time will tell.

What’s this now? A late-breaking WaPo story sez that Shart Jr’s initial statement responding to the Failing New York Times’ story about his meeting with all those Russians and their anti-Hilldawg intel (you remember, the one that turned out to weapons-grade horseshit?) was personally dictated by Toupee Fiasco himself.

Now, ME, if I were under investigation for obstruction of justice, I’d probably be a little more careful about, y’know…OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE, but then I am not a freakishly-tiny-fingered, too-long-tie-wearing, bloated rectal tumor of a human being, so what do I know?

Aaaaaand, just when you think you’re done laughing at the clowns for the day, along comes Jake Tapper with an encore. Diet Rambo reports that a British digital prankster, a veritable e-Pagliacci* tricked a number of Shart House officials into believing s/he was other Shart House officials, because we are being governed by the dumbest fucks walking the fucking planet. Jon Huntsman, Eric Trump, Homeland Security Advisor Tom Bossert, and the dearly departed Mooch were among the puddin’-headed victims. I’m sure these people can handle North Korea. Sleep tight.

And Corey Lewandowski got fired. That’s nice. Did you get fired today? No? See, you’re having a better day than Lewandowski or Scaramucci. You deserve a cupcake. With sprinkles.

I’m sure I missed some shit. It was a slow news day, I let my guard down. Did I see Jill Stein made an ass of herself? Fuck it, I’m going to bed. Maybe I can Rip Van Winkle this shit, wake up when the lunacy has passed…

…like I’d be that lucky. Anyhow. VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS. Shower Cap out.

* That’s just about the highfalutinest joke I could ever hope to make. Tip your waitstaff.
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