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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PM
Number of posts: 218

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All the Russia News You Can Shake a Stick At, and then More Russia News (Shower Cap/Ferret)

Greetings, Shower Captives! It is I, Shower Cap But From the Future! I have returned from the trenches of Montenegro in 2025 to warn you of the impending Fourth World War That's Right Montenegro Actually Starts Two Different World Wars in the Next Ten Years!

Anyway, Trump was right about everything! Well, maybe not the steaks. But everything else!

(As is customary, this post can be found, with helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/all-the-russia-news-you-can-shake-a-stick-at-and-then-more-russia-news-sale-on-shaking-sticks-in-the-shower-cap-store/)

Yes, in the midst of all his other treasonous activities (And yeah, there's more than one. It's been a week, folks.) Tangerine Idi Amin has been making noises about backing out of our NATO commitments for fear that the warlike people of Montenegro drag us into a major war by invading Narnia or Wakanda or some shit.

Would it surprise you that even the seemingly-random choice of Montenegro played right into Putin's grubby little paws? It shouldn't.

Truth be told, few Presidents have found themselves in direr straights than the Bonespur Buttplug l did this week. True, Harry Truman had to weigh the tremendous loss of life in ordering the atomic strikes on Japan, but Wee Don is wedged between the Rock of “universal condemnation of his traitorous submission to Putin in Helsinki” and the Hard Place of “Shit, y’all, I WISH it was just a pee tape, what Vlad has on me would curl your toes till they snapped.”

So he tried to walk back that lil’ thing where he BETRAYED THE WHOLE COUNTRY. “See, when I said ‘Putin is the very best and also my valentine plus America suxx and why don't we make Vlad President of us, too?’ what I meant was ‘Putin is the very best and also my valentine plus America suxx and why don't we make Vlad President of us, too?’...NOT!”

(To season the event with a little extra humiliation, like the Paprika of Shame, President Gas Station Urinal Cake’s notes were photographed, and either he can't spell “collusion” after all these years, or writing out the whole word is just too much for his tiny, inadequate, hands to take.)

Anyhow, to the submissive invertebrates of the Senate Republican Caucus, from Portman to Rubio, that was good enough. “Holy shit,” they crowed, “Ne’er have we seen such leadership, let's bulldoze Mount Rushmore and replace it with a giant statue of our Turd Emperor, where he is dating Salma Hayek!” for they are cowards.

Oh, and the Shart House seems to have doctored the official transcript of the notorious press conference (notorious for the treason, if you're just tuning in), omitting a key line about election interference and also the part where Drumpf offered to trade Manhattan Island to Russia in exchange for a fistful of shiny beads.

Shart Garfunkel would swing back to betrayal soon enough, however. Asked point blank if Russia still had their vodka-soaked thumbs up America's electoral butthole, he said NO rather definitively, even though the consensus of the American intelligence community is “Yes they do, and it would be rad if we could take action to remove that thumb, because they haven't clipped their nails in way too long.”

The backtracking spin this time was equally ridiculous, something like, “Oh, I thought you were asking if Ivanka let me touch her butt yet. Kind of a sore spot, so I got extra upset.”

And we had a debate whether or not the United States should extradite a former Ambassador to Russia so that Vlad could interrogate/torture him, because this is the sort of issue that’s on the table when your President is a Russian asset. NEAT.*

Negotiations fell apart at the last minute because Putin was unwilling to also take Jim Acosta, Jennifer Rubin, and Colin Kaepernick in the deal.

Anyway, the Senate passed a resolution condemning Government Cheese Goebbels’ proposal to HAND AMERICAN CITIZENS OVER TO MURDEROUS DICTATORS, which is the sort of thing Congress needs to do now, apparently.

Somehow, in the midst of all this foreign fuckery, the GOP blocked funding for election security in a major spending bill, because treasonous support for foreign interference is their last, best, shot at maintaining their minority grip on power. They also blocked Dems from subpoenaing Drumpfy's translator, the only other American present during the private, two-hour Helsinki meeting, because shit, maybe we'll get away with all of this crap and in the new world order we'll all get nifty uniforms with shiny buttons and really tall boots.

New details and fresh charges in the Maria Butina case, including accusations that she swapped Naughty Time Oh Mother Avert Mike Pence's Virgin Eyes with unknown right wing figures in exchange for access to their dirtbag organizations. Considering the jowly, wrinkly, old bastards she's been photographed with over the years, at least I'll give Maria this: she loves her country a whole lot more than Sharty McFly's cowardly Congressional enablers love ours.

(Early drafts of Oliver Stone's epic screenplay of this dumpster fire now include a cringey, twenty-minute-long, sex-well-kinda-almost scene between Butina and Rick Santorum. EW!)

In a coincidence so zany it would make the LOST writers room blush, Shartboy's IRS instituted new rules that allow organizations like the NRA to hide their donors from the public, even if said donors happen to be nookie-swapping Russian spies or ratfucking oligarchs. The idea seems to be that letting the American people know that a hostile foreign power is funding a murderous lobbying organization/death cult would violate somebody's free speech rights, because...um...y'see...LOOK OVER THERE, IT'S DAVE COULIER!

Do you want even MORE sketchy Russia news? Cuz I've got some! The State Department had a statement ready, condemning Vlad and Co. for that time they shot down a plane full of innocent people, because it was the anniversary of that particular act of mass-murder, and “shooting down planes full of people including a bunch of kids is bad” was once a relatively uncontroversial thing. But the statement was pulled by our not-at-all-colluding administration, since there is no collusion, nor even any colusion.

Jim Jordan, the Ohio CongressJerk who Hates Jackets More Than Pedophiles, used Treason Week as a distraction from his own scandals, no doubt tapdancing with glee now that the media has largely moved on. He's been named in a major lawsuit over the OSU sexual abuse scandal though, so his troubles are just beginning. GOOD.

Four members of the Homeland Security Advisory Council resigned for the TOTAL CUCK REASON that the terrorist policy of stealing children from their parents is “morally repugnant.” LIBRUL TEARS, RIGHT?

We're still dealing with that shit, by the way. Migrants in detention increasingly report horrific tales of abuse, but hey, at least this genuinely evil act came at the bargain-basement price of forty million dollars. Who knew curb-stomping the nation's values would come so cheap?

As dark as things may seem, Resistance is all around us, all the way up to the Motherfucking Queen of England, who apparently demonstrated her contempt for the visiting President by wearing her “Suck My Ass, You Bloated Shitgibbon” brooch during their meeting last week. Brooch Warfare seems to be the royal equivalent of shitposting memes.

Ted Nugent is an NRA board member and gun extremist who loves inciting violence and railing against “gun-free zones” which are the worst, freedom-obliteratingest things in the world unless they are Ted Nugent concerts. Or NRA conventions. Or the RNC. Basically, super-wealthy white dudes get to be safe and it's open season on the rest of us.

You've probably seen the headlines about Devin Nunes pissing away thousands of dollars in donor funds on personal luxuries, but what hasn't been widely reported is that his date for all those Celtics games was a Russian sow named Maria Berkshira, and she was under surveillance by the Mueller investigation before being sold to a Spam factory under suspicious circumstances.

Precocious Paul Manafort is on something of a losing streak. For starters, he's in jail, facing eleventy-billion indictments or something. His shitty little sidekick rolled over on him. And he keeps losing motions in court, most recently an attempt to suppress some of the evidence seized by the FBI in their raid of his home, on the grounds that Holy Fuck if a Jury Sees That I'm Righteously Screwed.

Mueller released a list of over 500 pieces of evidence for the #Manafucked One's upcoming trial. One Tad Devine features prominently, and I for one can't wait to see what that shit's all about.

I know there's trouble all around the world these days, but perhaps none of us have it worse that Republican CongressJag Jason Lewis, who is no longer allowed to call women “sluts” even though they are so very very slutty with their sex-wanting and sex-having. Actually, that's one of the nicer quotes CNN dug up from his time as a right-wing radio shock jock.

Lewis’ dehumanizing comments may leave you feeling sick to your stomach. Well, 10 out of 10 doctors recommend the following cure: donate to this taintrash's awesome Democratic opponent, Angie Craig.

Hey, there's an Arizona State Senate candidate who shot and killed his own mother, and is running for office on the awesomeness of guns specifically on the basis of shooting and killing his own mother, because we live in Wonderland Only If Lewis Carroll Did Meth.

(Oh, the dude's sister died and the house burned down and he confessed to murdering them and starting the fire, but then he un-confessed, lived his life, and now he wants to make laws. NEAT.)

The inspector general over at Interior opened a probe (heh) into Cowboy Ryan Zinke over a shady real estate deal involving the Chairman of Halliburton. Somewhere, a tear came to Scott Pruitt's eye, like a mama bird watching her baby spread his wings and fly for the first time.

The Failing New York Times reports that the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits was indeed shown classified intelligence TWO WEEKS BEFORE his comically-under-attended inauguration demonstrating that yuh huh, Vlad Putin did indeed stick his thumb up American democracy's butt, and wiggle it around a bit because he hates us.

So yeah, he's had this information all this time, but he's been parroting the denials of the KGB thug who ordered an attack on the United States, but he's faced no consequences because patriotism is a partisan issue now.

American Terrorist/Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen wandered out to give a Trump Administration's Greatest Lies concert, like a Styx show at the third-best casino in town. All the greats from “Putin wasn't helping Trump” to “child separation wasn't our policy” to even “there were very fine people among the violent white supremacists at Charlottesville.” She backed up so many of the Shart’s ugliest bullshit talking points, Mike Huckabee adopted her.

We're just having all kinds of zany debates nowadays. “Should we extradite government officials to Putin's Russia?” “Are white supremacist terrorists indeed Very Fine People?” “Is broken glass an essential part of your child's balanced breakfast?”

Hey, you probably need some good news right about now, right? Like, reading the news is like being chased by zombies through a post-apocalyptic wasteland, and wouldn't it be nice to find, like, the last remaining Whatchamacallit on Earth while you're cowering in an abandoned gas station?

Well, I HAVE THAT WHATCHAMACALLIT. Ridiculously unqualified/racist as fuck Circuit Court nominee Ryan Bounds will NOT be given a lifetime judicial perch to institutionalize white supremacy from. South Carolina Republican Tim Scott joined a wall of blue resistance that stretched from Sanders to Manchin, and that was that.

And THAT, dear reader, is why it's so it's so important to help even those centrist Democrats, the ones who don't thrill you, in the upcoming midterm elections. Manchin. Donnelly. Heitkamp. Like, I'm thrilled Beto O'Rourke is raising so much money, but your donations would perhaps do more good supporting our most vulnerable red-state incumbents.

DNI Dan Coats gave a distressing little interview where he revealed Strawberry Shartcake is always sneaking around behind his back to say god knows what to th'Russians without America's intelligence community knowing about it, which is exactly the sort of thing normal, non-seditious Presidents do all the time.

...aaaaaaand now I see that, in defiance of all common sense and love of country, the Sunny D-Bag has decided to INVITE PUTIN TO WASHINGTON. No doubt they will have montage-worthy adventures like Vlad getting his very first hotdog and maybe splashing around barefoot in a fountain or blowing up the Lincoln Memorial.

Is there more? There's probably more. Sadly, my never-dying chest cold has returned, the cough medicine has kicked in, and I'm suddenly in the middle of the Tim Burton Dumbo re-make, so I'm goin’ up a little early tonight. We'll chat soon...

*Not actually neat.

Look, the Prime Day Treason Special Was Too Good to Pass Up, Okay? (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Hello Comrades! Tonite, fantabulous new direction for blog! We join new world order, tell poop jokes about Crooked Hillary's e-mail server and Elizabeth Pocahontas! What? Nyet, am not Russian bot, am Bath Cap!

Kidding of course. But today has been batshittier than usual, and I am correspondingly much drunker than usual. What I'm saying is, any typos in tonight's piece, blame Putin, not me. (And if you want this post will all them news links, click here: http://showercapblog.com/look-the-prime-day-treason-special-was-too-good-to-pass-up-okay/)

Friday was kind of a slow news day, honestly. The Cubs won. The Rock's new film disappointed at the box office. Oh, right, and Bodacious Bob Mueller passed out indictments like candy. Candy at the house that gives FULL SIZED SNICKERS.

Twelve Russian intelligence officials have been charged with numerous counts of High-Grade Cyber-Fuckery, so yeah, we're in a-foreign-nation-committed-an-act-of-war territory. The man tasked with defending the nation from such acts promptly went golfing, because the truth is, he's really not that into “America,” and we need to fucking face that before Justin Trudeau wises up and invades our ass.

Orange Julius Caesar did eventually get mad. Not because the country he happens to be President of was attacked by a hostile foreign power, but because the timing of the indictments would make him look extra-treasonous for flying to Finland to give our enemy a lap dance just the way he likes it, with periodic nipple twisting but not too hard because his skin is sensitive.

Ah well.

Back in America, the HHS Inspector General says Tom Price (remember him, from season one?) owes the American taxpayer at least $341,000 for all the bullshit luxury travel expenses he racked up before slinking away in disgrace. Me, I'd like to see him work it off makin’ license plates.

...betcha Scott Pruitt's not looking forward to HIS bill coming due...

Oh, while we're on HHS, a couple of the frothiest Cult45 maniacs there finally got shitcanned. I guess we're basically living in a police state now, where you can't even get a cushy taxpayer-funded government gig if you've used social media to accuse your political opponents of conducting mystical satanic rituals. Oh by the way, there are government officials who think Democrats conduct mythical satanic rituals now. Sleep tight!

Meanwhile, the Marmalade Shartcannon, fresh off his NATO tantrum, popped over to England to see if he could re-start the War of 1812. He kidney-punched the Queen, dry-humped Big Ben, and even tried stirring up some fresh shit between the Gallagher brothers, but in the end, no shots were fired.

He gave a little interview to Rupert Murdoch's dirty little rag, crapping all over Theresa May, and then, because he is a true coward's coward, denied everything when he was forced, by journalists, to confirm his words to her face. “Fake news!” he labeled...himself. And maybe for the first time when throwing around that particular catch-phrase, he was right.

Oh, and while he was abroad, he continued inciting violence against journalists, and also unapologetically spouted white supremacist rhetoric, presumably because he's a walking ass tumor.

Wilbur Ross was finally shamed by ethics watchdogs into selling his remaining stocks, at considerable profit of course. Ross then announced the Commerce Department's “Help Wilbur Take it With Him” program, a revolutionary initiative designed to facilitate the transfer of the Secretary's ill-gotten wealth to the realm of the afterlife.

Hey, I know we've got bigger fish to fry this week, and I'll get to the good shit in a minute, but holy balls, Elon Musk is an ASSHOLE.

The Feral Assclowns of the Freedom Caucus, apparently undeterred by their very public, almost Puritanical, self-flagellation during the Peter Strzok hearings, made a little noise about impeaching Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein, but while they're apparently dumb enough to rally around Abuse-Enabling Jacket-Hater Jim Jordan, they're still a little too smart to attempt shutting down an investigation that just unveiled hard evidence of a foreign attack on the nation. So, somewhere between “Mollusk” and “Toe Fungus” on the intellect scale.

In perhaps the Trumpiest move ever, the Shart Administration seems to be considering tapping the Strategic Petroleum Reserve in order to artificially and temporarily push gas prices down in an attempt to stave off the wrath of the mid-term electorate. That the SPR is not there to “strategically” sway the political fortunes of a know-nothing goon who's tap-dancing on the economy's crotch via his Big Dumb Trade War should go without saying, but since Strawberry Shartcake doesn't actually give a flying rat's ass about America or any of her residents, I suppose we should have expected this.

While Weehands McNodick cannot be bothered to learn basic information like "how health insurance works,” “how NATO works,” or “how to tie a goddamn necktie,” he has chosen to spend his time and influence requesting a new, much American-er paint job for Air Force One. My sources tell me he's enlisted Ben Garrison to craft the new design, which would feature a Trumplike bald eagle perched on a golden toilet while hookers piss on it and also a drawing of Salma Hayek dating him.

Rand Paul went on CNN to shrug off Russian election interference on Sunday, and I was kinda mad about that at the time, but then SHARTUS was all “Hold my borscht,” and Paul's diet treason seems almost quaint now. Anyway, Rand-o is headed to Russia soon, probably to check out that kompromat up close.

Speaking of CNN, Celebrity Liar/Aspiring Concentrate Camp Commander Sarah Huckleberry Slanders announced that Team Treasonweasel had chosen to punish the network for the high crime of Asking the President a Question, by canceling a scheduled interview with the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Upper Lip. Huh. In certain, less advanced, cultures, spending time with John Bolton is punishment for stealing.

...barbaric, I know.

Perhaps slipping under the radar while the world burns, Jared Kushner faces a new lawsuit from former tenants, who claim his real estate company used various dirtbag tactics to harass them out of their rent-controlled apartments, up to and including EXPOSING CHILDREN TO CARCINOGENS, because like his daddy-in-law, Jared's dead-eyed, slack-jawed, dumbfuck face masks a genuinely bankrupt, evil, soul.

Sacha Baron Cohen has a new show, and apparently it's some sort of horror anthology revealing just how fucking insane the people running our government are. The big clip circulating at the moment shows a number of prominent conservatives, including sitting CongressJags, endorsing a fictitious (FOR NOW) program that would put firearms in the hands of children as young as FOUR FUCKING YEARS OLD.

Who ever thought we'd need to ask our elected representatives shit like “should we arm toddlers?” I think future political debates need a much lower bar. Less “what will you do about the deficit” and more “rat poison: pancake topping, or nah?”

On the eve of the Puppet/Puppeteer Summit in Helsinki, the Velveeta Vulgarian was asked "Say, who do you think is America's biggest foe? Joker to its Batman, Sabretooth to its Wolverine, Donald Trump to its Perfectly Good Steak? And Shartboy’s FIRST instinct was to say the FUCKING EUROPEAN UNION. 12 indictments of Russian fuckheads on Putin's payroll, and the tubby motherfucker says “You know who sucks is our allies.” AMERICA FIRST...ish.

Anyhoo. I rolled out of bed, naked, hungover, and ready for unprecedented awfulness, and saw Government Cheese Goebbels had responded to Mueller's latest round of indictments by VICTIM BLAMING THE UNITED STATES for Russia's attack. “If you didn't want to have your election hacked, you shouldn't've been wearing that skimpy outfit made from easily-misled white supremacist idiots, America!”

And like...that's a bad tweet. A REALLY BAD TWEET. We have plenty of differences as Americans, but I think one place of shared interest is when another country commits an act of war against the United States, most of us with side with “America” against “The Jerks Who Attacked America.” Certainly one would expect the FUCKING PRESIDENT to do so.

...well, the day was full of disappointing surprises. Like a bachelor party where a tax attorney jumps out of the cake.

So Elmer Gantry's Inbred Grandson had a private, nobody-but-translators meeting, which ran longer than expected, maybe because Wee Don wrote the nuclear codes on his arm and they got smudged because he sweats like the disgusting pig that he is, while the world waited for their joint press conference.

And then came the press conference.

I mean, nobody was really expecting Fat Q*Bert to forcefully stand up to Putin, but I don't think we were quite ready for What-if-Benedict-Arnold-and-Axis-Sally-had-a-really-stupid-baby-level open, unapologetic treason.

Like, we were expecting a LITTLE treason. There was just...so MUCH of it. He blamed slutty America again for getting attacked. He ranted about Hillary Clinton and the electoral college. Asked point blank if he believed the consensus of the entire American intelligence community that it was indeed Russia that attacked the United States, he deflected by babbling about debunked conspiracy theories for a while before concluding “I don't see any reason why it would be,” as though his utterly submissive presence beside that third rate KGB thug didn't clear up that particular mystery.

In the midst of sharing analysis and making poop jokes, let me also just take a moment to scream FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK at the top of my lungs until my throat bleeds. I'm starting to understand why Vaclav Havel turned to absurdism.

While I'm used to despising the things Donald J Trump (The “J” stands for “Please let me have the master copy of the pee tape, Vlad”) does, I confess it's kinda wacky watching the President betray his country on live television.

Point is, Donald Trump is the Prince of Cucks. A Cuck for all Seasons. God's Own Cuck. The private meeting probably ran over because the tattoo artist had trouble writing “Property of the Kremlin” on his tiny, misshapen scrotum.

Muthafuckin’ Putin gave him a muthafuckin’ SOCCER BALL for cuck's sake. If they ever do another one of these summits, he's gonna make Littlefinger wear a ball gag, just to show the world that he can.

Well, congratulations Neanderthal Neville Chamberlain...while you thoroughly embarrassed the United States with your historic display of weakness, you may have finally achieved...PISS IN OUR TIME.

And while America reeled from the open betrayal of their chief executive, news broke of Maria Butina's arrest. Who is Maria Butina? I'm glad you asked:

Have you met my good friend Maria?
The craziest spy on the block?
You'll know her the minute you see her

Yes indeedy, one of the key figures at the center of the Drumpf/Russia/NRA story has been arrested, and the indictment hilariously implicates some anonymous “gun rights organization,” which I guess could be the Greater Sheboygan Water Pistol Club, but just to be safe I've invested heavily in the diaper distributer located closest to Wayne LaPierre's house.

This is probably the worst news for the NRA that I've seen in my lifetime, so forgive me if I take off all my clothes and roll around in it for a bit.

Um. There may have been more. Did we maybe start bombing France or some shit? Did the Tangelo Taint Tumor fire Mattis and replace him with Hannity? Is Fury Road a documentary now? I don't care, I've been drinking since lunch. Get your news from somebody who isn't a drunk lunatic wearing a Captain America bathrobe for a change. *hic*

As Batguano Insane as the Strzok Hearing Got, I Did Not Expect the Day's News to Land on Woodchucks

The madness has a distinctly international flavor this week, as though we've all been locked inside the It's a Small World ride with nothing but hallucinogenic mushrooms to eat. Well, let's get this shit over with.

(Hey, if you wanna see this post with all relevant links, click on over to: http://showercapblog.com/as-batguano-insane-as-the-strzok-hearing-got-i-did-not-expect-the-days-news-to-eventually-land-on-woodchucks/)

Everybody has their own little vices, right? Maybe you smoke. Maybe you take down a pint of Ben & Jerry's every now and then. Maybe every few nights you slap on a luchador mask and a bathrobe and put away a six pack telling poop jokes about the worst people on the planet. If you're Tangerine Idi Amin, you abuse the power of the Presidential pardon. So yeah, a couple of arsonists get out of jail free because they're Wingnut Celebrity Arsonists.

Arpaio. D'Souza. Sovereign Citizen Human Torch Jagoffs. The standard is clear. All I'm saying is, James Woods, if you're reading, and you've ever had a murder you really really wanted to commit, you could probably get away with it for the next six months or so.

What's this? Anthony Kennedy may have negotiated his retirement and replacement with the authoritarian goons of Team Treason? You know I'm starting to think they left some shit out of my grade school social studies textbook, somewhere between the British are coming, the British are coming and that time white people invented civil rights in the 60's.

Speaking of Kavanaugh, it sure didn't take long to dig up confirmation that he really hates him some Roe v. Wade, but I guess we still have to endure weeks of shitty theatre where everyone in the GOP (particularly Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski) pretends they're not knowingly selling out women's rights. We may as well do some silly-ass Elizabethan circle dancing.

The Shart Administration announced further massive cuts to Obamacare outreach programs, because they'd rather American citizens got sick and died than avail themselves of the health care they're legally entitled to. I know I've said this before, but it's still kinda weird having a government that hates us and wants us to die.

(You'll remember these fucks pulled this move a year ago, but thanks to everyday folks like you and me using their platforms, however great or small, to spread the word, ACA enrollment didn't suffer nearly as much as the Paul Ryan Death Caucus was hoping for. We did it once before, we'll do it again.)

The Single Most Inevitable Event in Human History has occurred, as Sarah Palin revealed she fell for Sacha Baron Cohen's latest character, and her humiliation will soon be broadcast for the entire world to enjoy. Sarah obviously can't see the Streisand effect from her house. (I see Sacha got Roy Moore, too. Heh.).

I guess the BBC ran a little program accusing the Pusillanimous Pussygrabber of being something they call a “sex pest,” because he used to go to cocaine-fueled parties and hit on 17-year-old girls. Anyway, this seems like a good time to segue over to Shartboy's unwavering support among Evangelicals.

Yes, Conman Don’s “spiritual advisor” (which must be like being Paula Deen's dietician) says no way was Jesus a filthy illegal immigrant and if he were we'd have separated him from his dad even if his dad WAS God and crucified him in a baby jail. Golly, she seems nice.

We're about six months away from Evangelical “Pastors” arguing that Jesus used alms for the poor to buy paintings of himself and gave sermons praising sexual assault. I think it's John 4:24 where he goes, “When you're the Messiah, they let you do it. You can do anything.”

Hey, speaking of utterly dishonest moralizing shitheads who demand to be treated as paragons of virtue despite spending their lives fucking other people over for personal gain, let's check in on Ohio CongressJag Jim Jordan!

Jim's accusers keep multiplying, and his old boss keeps changing his story, and so does Jim, for that matter. Oh, and we keep learning more and more extremely disturbing details of the culture of abuse at Ohio State. Don't worry though, his fellow inmate in the House Freedom Caucus/Asylum/Discount Bath Salts Emporium, Matt Gaetz, with whom he shares a single brain cell, went on teevee and blamed everything on the Deeeeeeeep Staaaaaate, which is just how all Republicans will explain away their misconduct from now on.

It was the Deep State that pressured Scott Desjarlais’ mistress to get an abortion. The Deep State asked Trent Franks’ staffers to fuck him for money. The Deep State used sophisticated mind control techniques to take over Greg Gianforte's body and force him to physically assault a journalist. The Deep State is why Two and a Half Men ran so long.

I'm thinking of taking up international money laundering. It can't possibly be that difficult if Paul Manafort can do it because holy fuck that guy is DUMB. Somehow it did not occur to Precocious Paulie that his phone calls FROM JAIL would be recorded, and thus he has been caught bragging about his “VIP” treatment, as well as his clever little plot to circumvent the e-mail ban one encounters when one is LOCKED UP IN FUCKING JAIL for violating the terms of one's bail.

Anyway, he's in a shiny new jail now, with a shiny new mug shot, more #Manafucked than ever before. Trial starts soon.

Brian Benczkowski was confirmed to head the criminal division over at DoJ despite never having a tried a case in his life. Blisteringly unqualified, or just another Shart Admin official with shady ties to Mother Russia? Why's it gotta be “or?”

Following his latest Holy Crap I'm a Racist Dirtbag scandal, Papa John Schnatter announced his surprise retirement, saying he looks forward to spending more time with his white resentment.

Hey, y'know how when you get your tax refund, you maybe splurge a little bit, if you can afford it? Go out to dinner, buy yourself a new superhero bathrobe, or even just pay off that one nasty outstanding debt? Well, Vern Buchanan, Republican Representative for the Florida 16th, wants to show you peasants how it's done! See, the very day he voted himself a massive tax cut, Vern splurged on a multimillion dollar yacht, because goshdarnit, he's worth it and also populism because the Trump Regime is all about populism which is why we all have yachts now, oh wait I think it's just Vern.

And of course the flock of malicious assholes governing our poor county continue to struggle to reunify the families they tore apart when they perpetrated an ACT OF TERROR designed to frighten away future asylum seekers. They've hit on the novel defense of proclaiming those children they haven't been able to help to be “ineligible” for reunification. “Sorry kid, we deported your parents already. Enjoy the foster care system!”

For a little bonus cruelty, there are reports of the government charging parents for DNA tests if they ever want to see their kidnapped children again. I understand they're furiously knocking down walls in Hell in an effort to find more space for the bumper crop of dirtbags they’ll be harvesting over the next few decades.

Hmmm...maybe while us bleeding heart libtards focus on the inhuman monstrosity of tearing families apart, we really should be thinking of the American economy! After all, with the Big Dumb Trade War crotch-punting so many different industries, do we really want to undermine America's newest billion-dollar business: LOCKING UP CHILDREN?

(On the subject of the Economics of Evil, you may be wondering where these villainous bastards are finding the money to perpetrate their hate-fueled human rights violations. Well I'm glad you asked. They're diverting funds from HIV/AIDS programs, of course! That's a two-birds-one-stone proposition for Shitty White Evangelical Supremacy!)

The Man With Phalangeal Stunting spent the whole flight over to the NATO summit binge-eating Taco Bell just so he could rip wet sloppy farts near Angela Merkel, and things went swiftly downhill from there. He saved up what he was SO SURE was the sickest imaginable burn on Germany for probably weeks, but nobody high-fived him or even chuckled, and in fact General Kelly looked like he wanted to crawl inside his own asshole and die, though we were later assured this was only because our ratfink "allies" failed to provide him with adequate supplies of Cookie Crisp.

Anyhoo, the Velveeta Vulgarian generally made an ass of himself, because he's mistaken “sneers of revulsion” for “respect.” He made some ridiculous demands about military spending, I wasn't paying close attention but I think he wants to saw Belgium off the continent and turn it into this super-rad battleship island that the Queen of England has to pay for by hocking the Crown Jewels and also there's a Drumpf Brand golf course on it.

And then of course on his way out the door, the Candycorn Skidmark proclaimed that all those cuck Europeans had totally capitulated before the might of his totally-normal-sized shaking fists, but Emmanuel Macron said “Actually, nope,” and if things escalate any further, I bet our allies could fool him by paying their “NATO dues” in Monopoly money.

(My sources tell me Uncle Vlad was quite pleased with his Pet President's performance, and will be rewarding him with a lollipop in Helsinki.)

The Marmalade Shartcannon made history as the first American president to have his face appear on Russian asbestos packaging, unless that one Taft biography I read was less comprehensive than advertised.

Stormy Daniels was arrested at an Ohio strip club Wednesday night, though charges were swiftly dropped. Anyway, I learned some fun stuff about the tremendously-specific laws governing strip club touching in the Buckeye State, and you can, too, with one simple click.

That hearing with Peter Strzok today was...really something. It's amazing watching the entire House GOP devolve into a tangled wad of treasonous howler monkeys, blindly flinging their own shit in every direction in the vain hope that enough shit will land on the law enforcement community to allow one cheap grifter escape punishment for his crimes, and therefore be allowed to golf at the expense of the America taxpayer and destroy the post-war western world order without further hindrance.

...me, I'm just trying to figure out how they all fit in that one tiny car.

Special shout out to Louie Gohmert, the Dumbest Man in This or Any Imaginable Congress, for having the audacity to moralize about Strzok's affair after literally campaigning for a child molester.

Other highlights from the Dunning-Kruger Caucus: Jim Jordan got mad when Pete wouldn't verify the paranoid shit he read on the InfoWars bathroom wall. We certainly don't want forget Paul Gosar, who reads the secret language of the body as only a dentist can. Maybe Matt Gaetz can figure out some way to blame the deep state for how thoroughly he made an ass of himself.

Also, somebody should check on Trey Gowdy, I'm not 100% sure he still exists after the thorough ass-reaming Strzok administered. Is there a doctor in the House?

You almost want to subject these dipshits to some sort of Flowers for Algernon procedure, so they could see, if only for a moment, just how fucking stupid they appear to anyone with a functioning brain.

Even the House Republicans who weren't shipwrecking themselves on the shores of the asinine Strzok conspiracy theories showed their true, anti-decency, anti-American colors. One House committee voted to allow discrimination against LGBT citizens in adoptions. Another voted to block research into gun violence. Enjoy your day, campers. November is closer than ever.

Meanwhile North Korea totally stood America up for their latest date, without even calling, which especially sucks because Wee Don had already ordered a bottle of wine and an appetizer to split with Kim Jong-un, (these really amazing spring rolls prepared by dissidents in forced labor camps, it's the tears of desperation that lend them their unique flavor), and now he was stuck with the check.

By “the check,” of course I mean "the Idiot Manchild in Chief taking credit for bringing home the remains of America's Korean War dead without actually......y'know...bringing home the remains of America's Korean War dead.”

At a certain point, you'd think this Assclown Brigade would learn to stop demanding praise for things they haven't actually accomplished yet, but...today is not that day.

At any rate, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops is parading around a painfully generic form letter Kim sent him, as proof of his massive negotiating prowess. The lesson is clear; dish up the personal praise with the biggest ladle you can find, and you can get away with fucking anything. Including expanding your nuclear program instead of dismantling it.

Like any shitty houseguest, Sharty McFly decided to leave a fat stinky turd floating in Theresa May's bowl in the form of an exclusive interview in his ol’ chum Rupert Murdoch's dopey little “news”paper. Winning friends. Influencing people.

Oh, and I guess a family of woodchucks ate Paul Ryan's car, so WELCOME TO THE RESISTANCE, ANIMAL KINGDOM AND/OR DISNEY PRINCESSES.

Yeah, the woodchuck story is real. Or if it isn't, I've been writing too long and I'm more fucked up than I thought. Either way, that's all I got for now...see ya soon, Shower Captives.

Weirdest Thing About Today's News is Stephen Miller Ever Imagining His Food HASN'T Been Spit In

Honestly, I would like to be released from this so-called Fun House now. It's been a year and a half. The cotton candy is stale, the mirrors make me look bloated and orange, and the clowns insist on setting foreign policy.

(As per usual, this post, and many others, can be found, with helpful links, at my site: http://showercapblog.com/weirdest-thing-about-todays-news-is-stephen-miller-ever-imagining-his-food-hasnt-been-spit-in/)

I wonder if Mike Pompeo has noticed the Cuck Me sign King Jong-un taped to his back yet? Yes, North Korea has done what everyone whose brain isn't being deprived of oxygen by a too-tight MAGA cap knew they'd do, and said "thanks for all the unilateral concessions you blistering rubes, no we're not giving you anything you want, it's not our fault you took a dozen victory laps before you bothered to get anything in writing.”

Rudy Giuliani crawled out of whatever sewer drain he's been hiding in the last couple of weeks to set new terms for his Swollen Ostomy Bag client to sit for an interview with the Mueller investigation. Rudy demands a week's supply of over-cooked steaks, plus thirty pounds of cherry Starbursts hand-selected by Kevin McCarthy, and will only agree to converse around the very table Ben Carson tried to order with taxpayer money but was forced to return.

Oh, and he wants Rugged Robert to present his evidence of criminal wrongdoing up front, as a condition of the interview. That's a trial, Rudy. What you're describing is a trial, and, y'know...careful whatcha wish for.

I guess we're still talking about Alan Dershowitz, which surely must mean he's been bitten by a radioactive Judicial Watch post and has scaled the Empire State Building to spout quasi-legal gibberish about how the President is above the law even while enduring social shunning from the biplanes he expected to attack him.

Did you catch WaPo's fascinating-if-depressing deep dive into how Tangerine Idi Amin conducts diplomacy, which is to to say, with all the misplaced confidence of a subpar white dude who repeatedly fell back on daddy's money to bail him out of trouble? Unwilling to prepare, blindly trusting the same pudding-headed instincts that got him played by a ten-cent thug like Kim Jong-un, bullying our closest allies even while melting to softest putty in Vladimir Putin's eager paws...let's look on the bright side and just celebrate that he hasn't gotten us all killed yet.

Senator Ron Johnson seems to have returned from his Independence Day vacation in Moscow on the Russian payroll. Congratulations, Vlad...you have compromised the Dumbest Senator in All the Land. I'm sure as long as you help him with childproof lids and keep him in Velcro shoes, he's yours for life.

I confess I lose track of all the open white supremacist/nazi candidates running for office as Republicans this year. I'm pretty sure I covered the god-is-a-white-supremacist dude, but the Holocaust denier is new, right? Anyway, the institutional GOP is (pretending to be) mystified and appalled at this totally unforeseen development, and by the way Santa Claus is white and the last President was born in Kenya and welfare queens and Willie Horton and “David Duke without the baggage” and HOLY SHIT WHO LET ALL THESE WHITE SUPREMACISTS IN HERE? (blinks innocently)

(And yes, during the drafting of this piece, yet ANOTHER story of a GOP candidate for Congress openly espousing white supremacist ideals broke. They can have a little Klan Kaucus!)

Maybe I'm focusing too much on the racism in the Republican Party. Let's switch gears and talk about the sexism in the Republican Party. Meet “Reverend” Mark Harris, GOP candidate in the North Carolina 9th, who worries that it may not be “healthy” for the womenfolk to seek careers and independence and what have you, when they really ought be making babies and their husbands’ dinner.

(And then let's donate to Mark's Democratic opponent, Dan McCready.)

Or perhaps we should wrap all the racism and sexism up into one shitty, hate-belching package, a package that would look suspiciously like San Bernardino Deputy DA Michael Selyem, whose social media feed is full of such bilious bigotry as you rarely encounter outside the dinner parties of high-ranking White House officials.

Team Shart decided to suspend billions in ACA payments to insurers, presumably because they want a bunch of headlines about astronomical premium increases heading in the midterms, because they are POLITICAL GENIUSES.

I guess some jagoffs are making a little Roe v Wade propaganda flick, casting every right wing nutcase from Stacey Dash to Tammy Lasorda or whatever her name is to Pedophilia Apologist Milo Yagotnobookdealnomo. It's going so well they're hiding the true nature of the project, and even the script, from the folks working on it, who seem to be dropping out with some regularity. I'm sure they'll have all the success they deserve.

Gosh golly gee, it seems President Shartcannon's highest-profile toadies keep having unpleasant confrontations in public with a subset of Americans you might call “decent human beings,” who don't enjoy having their country looted by a petty grifter who steals from charity, brags about sexual assault, and rips children from their parents and throws them into fucking cages like a jackbooted goddamn fascist.

Poor enablers! Look, Kellyanne...you will never be welcome in the company of decent Americans ever again. Ever. That's the price for what you're doing. And Stephen Miller, OF COURSE the fucking restaurant spit in your food. If you're lucky they only spit in it. YOU WILL NEVER EAT A CLEAN MEAL FROM A RESTAURANT AGAIN IN YOUR LIFE, BECAUSE YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON WHO DOES HORRIBLE THINGS. Assume all your take-out took a pit stop inside a human ass en route to the styrofoam container.

You guys, the Deep Dish State is totally out to get Jim Jordan, via a nefarious plot to drop him in the middle of a culture of pervasive sexual abuse 20 years ago and making him the sort of cowardly shitsack who wouldn't do jack shit to stop it. I guess we're also supposed to believe that he had a legitimate shot at being Speaker of House, and this whole thing is about taking him down? I guess while we're spinnin’ shit, Jim Jordan owns a griffin, and also beat The Rock at arm wrestling. Sure. Why not?

So I guess the official policy of the United States is anti-breast-feeding now, didja see that? Every time you think these assclowns have run out of new ways to embarrass the nation on the world stage while undermining our values, they pull another Donnie Darko bunny out of the hat.

Yes, the Turdweasel delegation to the World Health Organization tried to bully the whole freakin’ world out of a resolution promoting breast feeding, threatening severe retaliation against any nation that introduced it until GUESS WHO rode to the rescue? That's right...RUSSIA. Uncle Vlad gets to play Global Good Guy, while the bully in the black hat (that's US, for the record) slinks away, thwarted.

Anyway, be on the lookout for Trump Brand Baby Formula, which will just be unpurchased Trump steaks mashed up in unpurchased Trump vodka.

The trade war is going about as well as you'd expect. The Manchurian Manchild marched onto the field, wearing naught save an overflowing diaper, and lobbed a few ill-conceived tariffs at the rest of the world, based on some nebulous “ideas” about steel being...I dunno, the Single Best Thing in the Whole Fucking World or something.

The rest of world fought back by actually, y'know, thinking shit through, targeting their retaliatory tariffs on industries and regions designed to inflict maximum damage on Shart Garfunkel’s political prospects. The Chinese in particular have zeroed in on his shitty base down to the county level. So basically the United States showed up to a gunfight with a bag of styrofoam peanuts.

Looking across th'pond for a minute, things are getting downright BARMY over there, amirite?

Resignations aplenty in the British government, I guess because Brexit isn't Brexity enough for some folks? I won't pretend to understand what's going on, but still, you read about the resignation of a bloviating idiot with ridiculous hair, and it gets your hopes up, y'know?

By now I'm sure you've heard about the giant orange baby balloon set to greet Fat Q*Bert upon his arrival in London. It's amusing enough on its own, but if I can just put together the right team, I've got an excellent Prince-and-the-Pauper-style plan to switch ‘em, leaving the real Bloat tethered to the Thames, while simultaneously upgrading the Oval Office IQ by several points.

And I see we have fresh Russian nerve agent casualties, so this seems like a really ideal time to turn a tantruming toddler loose at the NATO summit, doesn't it?

Lordy. I may need to employ a full time British correspondent soon. Some soccer hooligan in Union Jack body paint, and we'll get into fistfights about the appropriate serving temperature for beer.

The Grand Wizard Grifter has a shiny new lawsuit to add to his collection, as he's now being sued by his longtime personal driver for withholding overtime pay. I ask you, does this sound like the man who charged the Secret Service to pee even as they protected his very life, just to wring a few extra bucks out of the U.S. Treasury?

Oh. Right.

I guess the 200 grand Marm-a-Lago membership comes with an Air Force One tour now? I'd say that's asking for trouble...if anybody shows up for the club looking suspiciously like a young Gary Oldman, and pays the fee in rubles...well, I'm sure it's not my business.

The Turdworm Administration will miss a court-ordered deadline tomorrow to reunite more than one hundred migrant children under the age of 5 with their families. So anyway, these clods who can't locate the people they took into custody mere weeks ago want to renegotiate NAFTA and restructure the entire American health care system and denuclearize North Korea and build a Big Stupid Wall Nobody Wants and also maybe invade Venezuela. Remember when they got mad over the media failing to praise them for pulling off the Easter Egg Roll?

Scandal hit the GOP runoff in the Georgia governor's race, with the release of a secret recording of one candidate lamenting the batshit craziness of the primary. While the lunatic Republican base demands ever loonier lunatics to represent them in government, for some reason they get pissy whenever their lunacy is labeled “lunacy,” kind of like how they love spewing racist shit but hate being called racist. Whatever. I'm not interested in understanding these folks anymore, just out-voting ‘em.

Oh, and Government Cheese Goebbels nominated a real asshole to the Supreme Court tonight. I don't know which of the asshole finalists he ended up picking as I type this, but I'm confident it was a gigantic, festering, smelly, asshole.

Hey look, I was right.

Okay, that's the update, Shower Captives. And yeah, I'm a little late getting that promised Goddamn Midterm Action Page up, but I wanna make sure it's shiny and chrome, y'know? It'll be worth the wait, I promise.

PS - SCOTUS pick notwithstanding, Sharty Jannetty got smacked down in court again today.

If Whatever Angel of Justice Finally Came for Pruitt Could Look Jim Jordan Up Next, That'd be Great

Another day in the goddamn madhouse. This is the week I read about a bunch of lions devouring some poachers and felt a pang of envy. Lions don't have to wait till the midterms to solve their problems, y'know?

I am totally not advocating eating Donald Trump, by the way. You'd get sick.

(You know the drill by now. This post is available, with helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/if-whatever-angel-of-justice-finally-came-for-scott-pruitt-could-look-jim-jordan-up-next-thatd-be-great/)

Today's blog is...really hard for me. I've never been any good at goodbyes. What am I even going to write about without the ridiculous ever-escalating litany of Scott Pruitt's scandals? If he'd only held on for another six months, I'm sure he'd have had his taxpayer-funded security detail doubling in the evenings as a Comcast customer service call center, working under his wife, of course.

But all that's done now. If this blog gets shorter in the coming days, it's only because I don't have my lotion-seekin’, fancy-pen-buyin', soundproof-booth-wankin’ buddy to pad the news with anymore.

(I would be remiss in the duties if I moved on from Pruitt without mentioning his truly humiliating resignation letter. I have referred to Scotty as the God of Grifting, but it looks like he's evolving into the God of Groveling.

Joking aside, of all the treasonweasels in Orange Julius Caesar’s inner circle, Scott Pruitt was absolutely the Most Ready for Raw Authoritarianism, all too happy to sacrifice whatever personal dignity was necessary to bow lower than anyone else to placate Dear Leader's fragile ego, so long as he got to live large off the taxpayer dollar. Scott Pruitt is precisely the kind of man who would administer a concentration camp, and don't you ever forget it.).

Hey, I see the Senate GOP D-team spent the Fourth of July on a little ass-kissing tour of that one country that literally attacked us in 2016, just like that time Alben W. Barkley took a spa day with Tojo after Pearl Harbor. I'll say this though, when the Republican Party sends their reps to Moscow, they're not sending their best. John Kennedy? Ron Johnson? Jerry Moran? I wouldn't trust those dipshits to cut the ribbon at a fucking mall opening.

Speaking of Russia, Strawberry Shartcake wants to meet with Putin with only Vlad's personal translator present at their upcoming Fuck America So Very Very Very Hard party in Helsinki, without any other Americans around, and who can blame him? It's totally embarrassing when you have to ask Dad for advance on your allowance, isn't it? I ask you, would YOU want to do that in front of the Secretary of State?

The Senate Intelligence Committee confirmed the IC's assessment that yuh-huh, Uncle Vlad not only interfered in our election, but he did so specifically to boost the candidate with the most disproportionately-small-and-ineffective fingers. On the other hand, Donnie Two-Scoops says “Nuh UH,” so expect the New York Times to cover the issue with vigorous both-sidesism.

Hey, y'know who sucks? Jim Jordan sucks, that's who. I first encountered Jordan during HRC's marathon Benghazi testimony, back when the world almost made sense. Jimbo was one of the pathetic dwarves feebly flinging pebbles at her; since then I've seen no evidence to suggest anything other than his utter, irredeemable, shittiness.

But even I'm surprised to learn the full depths of that shittiness. Jordan stands accused of turning a blind eye to serial sexual abuse during his days as an assistant wrestling coach at Ohio State. Seeking to really corner the market on inexcusable fuckery, Jordan's initial response to these accusations was not mere denial, but actually CALLING THE FUCKING COPS on his accusers, for “bulllying” him.

But more wrestlers have come forward to confirm the accusations. And more and more extremely disturbing details about the program's culture are surfacing. Jordan went out on State TV to slander his accusers a bit, but accidentally confessed to knowing about the abuse, waving it off as, and I couldn't make this up if I tried, “locker room” talk.

So the official Shower Cap position on the issue is as follows:

Fuck Jim Jordan. With a rusty shovel. Forever. Fuck any political party that wouldn't immediately expel him for this vile shit. If Jim Jordan is still in Congress as you read this, it's a fucking crime, and I hope you, YOU reading right now, raise holy hell about it.

Mitch McConnell says, “Hey, sorry ‘bout all these school shootings and all, but if you didn't want your kids to die in a hail of bullets while they're learning fractions or reading A Separate Peace, maybe you shoulda given ‘em bulletproof skin!” Yes, Yertle's position on the gun violence epidemic in America comes down to “MEH, SHIT HAPPENS, WHADDYA GONNA DO?”

(I'll tell you what, Mitch. We're going to elect a new Congress this November, and we're going to get some goddamn gun control laws in this country. You can watch from the minority.)

Everybody welcome Bill Shine to the official Shart House communications staff! The Poo Mistake is getting his advisors pre-disgraced now, which I think shows a commendable efficiency. Bill has failed upwards to the highest halls of power after decades of enabling a culture of sexual abuse over at Fux Nooz. Also, his wife is a shitty mega-bigot who deleted her shitty mega-bigot social media accounts so no one would know what a shitty mega-bigot she is, but there are screencaps.

(This space left blank to allow the reader time to digest the mega-bigotry from the link in the preceding paragraph. She's really something, ain't she?)

So yeah, more white supremacists on the team! Really looking forward to replacing the White House Easter Egg Roll with a cross burning next year.

But Weehands McNodick isn't the only Washington power player who's hiring! Rugged Robert Mueller is adding new prosecutors to his team, surely the latest sign that the whole Russia investigation is a witch hunt that hasn't found evidence of any wrongdoing whatsoever! I'm pretty sure Bodacious Bob and his team are just ordering pizzas and watching WKRP marathons all day.

Another place the Velveeta Vulgarian is hiring is down at Marm-a-Lago! But no Americans need apply, these are low-paying gigs specifically designated for foreign workers! It's amazing that the President of the United States can start a dumbass trade war, attacking American workers in industries from soybean farming to nail manufacturing, and then turn right around and refuse to hire Americans at the business he personally owns. But it's MORE amazing that his pudding-brained rube army still buys into his fraudulent “America first” con.

The trade war is going swimmingly, by the way. Mexico and China have imposed their retaliatory tariffs. Layoffs have begun. CEOs are kicking up dust. Even the good folks at Moog Music, producers of the famous synthesizer, may move production overseas. I WILL BE GOD DAMNED IF WE DISHONOR THE MEMORIES OF THOSE WHO DIED AT VALLEY FORGE BY FORSAKING OUR HERITAGE AS THE NATION OF PROG ROCK!

So I guess the Tangelo Taint Tumor spent most of 2017 fantasizing about INVADING FUCKING VENEZUELA, and I've never been more grateful that HR McMaster gave a year of his life to babysitting duty. It takes a real fucking dotard to look around at all the flaming piles of failure Trump'd been stacking up during his first year in office and go, “Y'know what this sharknado of incompetence could really use? A sloppy attempt at militarily forcing regime change in the middle of another continent!” He's like a kid whose sole medical experience is playing Operation, and badly, suddenly deciding he's qualified to separate conjoined twins.

In the background, all-time heat records have been set around the globe this week, but Jim Inhofe made a snowball this one time, so climate change is still totally a hoax.

The Shart Administration is struggling to obey court orders to reunite the migrant families they tore apart, apparently because they didn't plan beyond the, “hurt brown people, Jeff Sessions and Stephen Miller furiously masturbate to their pain” stage. Hundreds of children remain in detention, while your federal government makes arguments like “Look, we already deported some of these kids’ parents, surely we're off the hook for reuniting THOSE families!” And the families we've managed to reunite have stories that bring shame upon anyone who ever believed in this nation's goodness.

Meanwhile, the private prison companies profiting off the detention of migrant families have all kinds of zany ties to Fat Q*Bert and his team of racist grifters, but surely that's just coincidental, right?

But even as your government struggles to undo the damage of that STATE-SPONSORED TERRORISM POLICY THEY INSTITUTED IN THE NAME OF WHITE SUPREMACY before We the People forced them to stop, the right-wing whine-o-sphere has identified a new victim of government abuse, one surely more worthy of your sympathy than any frightened child stolen from their parents’ arms.

I'm speaking, of course, of Paul Manafort. Precocious Paul finds himself in solitary confinement, for his own safety, and MY GOD HE'S ONLY BEEN ACCUSED NOT CONVICTED and surely Lady Justice is weeping tears of blood for this American traitor!

Odd that this sense of outrage over the unfairness of pretrial detention failed to manifest over, say, a 16-year-old black male accused of stealing a damn backpack and spending three years behind bars without trial, but you lock up a wealthy white money launderer who couldn’t stop committing crimes, even as part of the terms of his Special Rich White Guy Bail Arrangement, EVEN AFTER A WARNING FOR BREAKING THOSE TERMS ONCE BEFORE, and suddenly you have children and old women wailing by the side of the road, for the poor, persecuted, #Manfucked One.

If you haven't worn out the strings on your tiny violin reading the last couple of paragraphs, spare a small dirge for Michael Cohen, who worries his ol’ chum Donnie won't abuse that sweet sweet Presidential pardon power on his behalf. (Cue MONTAGE of Drumpf and Cohen over the years, in happier times: paying off porn stars, burying stiffed contractors under mountains of paperwork, skipping arm in arm through Central Park, sharing a single ice cream cone.)

By the way, the Sensei of Sez-Hoo hired former Clinton attorney Lanny Davis, who seems positively giddy to take his new Trump-seeking missile, excuse me, I mean “client,” out for a test drive.

Looks like Sharty McFly and Mike Pompeo trolled Kim Jong-Un a bit by gifting him a CD containing Elton John's “Rocket Man.” Now, the North Korean dictator has already trolled the United States by expanding production at his nuclear sites even as we cancelled military exercises with South Korea, so I'm gonna go ahead an give Kim this round, and boy howdy that's fucking embarrassing.

The Marmalade Shartcannon held another one of his patented Trump Brand Klan Rallies, allegedly to campaign for Republican congressional candidates. Now, I'm not going to link to any of the hateful, dishonest shit he spewed, you can get that elsewhere. The point is, facing a midterm referendum on his leadership, this bloated tick on America's ass can't point to his record; his only significant accomplishment is a tax cut for the wealthy that growing majorities absolutely despise. All he can offer is enemies, targets for the Two Minutes Hate, from Hillary Clinton to John McCain to Maxine Waters.

And for his base, that hatred is enough, apparently. If the generic congressional balloting is to be believed, most Americans want more. I say don't take the foot off the gas until November 7th at the earliest.

Y'know, a lot of folks say our President lacks principles. I don't think that's fair. I think he's fanatically devoted to his principles. It's just that his principles amount to “I would like to claim any and all available money for myself,” and NAKED, UNAPOLOGETIC, WHITE SUPREMACY.

In fact, he's SO devoted to this single, burning, animating, hateful “principle” that he's discharging immigrant Army recruits and reservists, just to avoid giving citizenship to brown people that PUT THEIR VERY FUCKING LIVES ON THE LINE TO DEFEND OUR COUNTRY. Yes, the Bonespur Buttplug would happily weaken our national security if it means making America juuuuuuuuuust a little whiter.

And Tucker Carlson is DOWN with the white supremacy, y’all. You know he's lobbying for Wear Your Hood to Work Day over at Fux. To Liar Tuck, opposing the monstrosity of stealing kids from their parents and throwing them into internment camps isn't clearing the lowest imaginable human decency hurdle, it's an attempted coup. A COUP. The only legitimate rule in America, you see, is by white folks. Allowing anyone else full and equal access to the nation's bounty is seditious.

This is the kind of thing a very powerful pundit with a depressingly-large audience is spouting on television, every night. This is, and we should be honest about this, what the Republican Party stands for in 2018: America For White People and Everyone Else Can Fuck Off.

It's all they have left, after more than 500 days of failure after failure. Me, I think it's pathetic. We're closer than ever to the (goddamn) midterms when we finally, FINALLY, have the chance to rebuke this bankrupt movement, and folks, I am positively HORNY over that chance. Keep working, keep organizing, keep donating. Let me ask you...what're YOU doing to feed the Blue Wave?

Fete the Fourth with Familar Falsehoods, a Flipping Fixer, and...the FART Act? (Ferret/Shower Cap)

This week, we celebrate Independence Day. And we should celebrate extra hard, because Paul Manafort can't. I don't think they allow Roman Candles in solitary.

(As usual, this post is available, with all kindsa helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/fete-the-fourth-with-familiar-falsehoods-a-flipping-fixer-and-the-fart-act/)

Kim Jong-un is certainly throwing a party, in honor of his Independence From Having to do Anything Even Remotely Resembling Ending his Nuclear Program and by the way Thanks for Stopping Those Training Exercises, You Fucking Rube, You. I am told there will be cake. And executions.

Hugh Hewitt has earned his independence from hosting his MSNBC show, without firing a single shot! Surely that's worth a sparkler or two!

Republican donor Elliot Broidy has declared himself free from the obligation to pay hush money to his alleged former mistress, probably cuz the whole fucking world knows about it, so why not save a buck or two?

Susan Collins proclaimed her autonomy from accountability for Shart Garfunkel’s pending SCOTUS appointment's inevitable vote to kidney-punch Roe v Wade. “It's settled law!” she insists, as though the chance to transform women from citizens with rights back into property without control over their own bodies isn't pure, undistilled viagra to the Mike Pence wing of her party. Senator Collins’ plan seems to be an intense regimen of burying her head in any and all available sand right up until the minute the 5-4 ruling comes down, and then proclaiming herself to be really very shocked that respect for precedent failed to carry the day.

Meanwhile the GOP trumpets its freedom from Decency, with Presidential Pardon Recipient/Projectile Jagoff Dinesh D'Souza giddily retweeting fascist hashtags and even Ol’ Ron Paul popping up to remind everyone that he's still alive, and still super duper racist. Anyhow, the proposed D'Souza/Paul buddy cop sitcom slated for this fall has, obviously, been cancelled.

Maxine Waters holds this truth to be self-evident: she has precisely zero fucks left to give. Speaking at one of Saturday's rallies, Mad Maxine called out all the sad little MAGAt colonmites making death threats. You come at the Queen, you best not miss. She'll grab y’all by your tiny, distended ballsacks and drag you home to your mommies.

Speaking of those rallies, nicely done, Resisters! More than 700 marches, hundreds of thousands of protesters! We the People will not sit idly by while Drumpf and Sessions and that Runt Klansman, Stephen Miller open concentration camps for children in our name. Last weekend, we marched...just a few tantalizing-short weeks from now, we VOTE.

In comparison, from his hilariously-under-attended inauguration on, the Candycorn Skidmark hasn't been able to conjure any similar enthusiasm from his own people. The pro-Trump contingent over the weekend amounted to a handful of violent white supremacist “proud boys” in Portland, and a single crotchtumor waving a gun at protesters in Alabama.

But how can we adequately discuss this commemoration of self-sovereignty without pausing to praise the heroes of ICE, who have liberated entire towns from the dastardly clutches of MS-13! Towns like...well, for example...just off the top of my head...ummmm...HEY LOOK OVER THERE, ISN'T THAT YAHOO SERIOUS?

Yeah, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops is pulling entire military operations out of his ass now. Can't wait till he starts makin’ shit up about the non-existent Space Force winning fictitious battles against made-up aliens that all look like Hillary Clinton, but green.

Anyway, ICE couldn't possibly be liberating any towns, they're way too busy deporting parents away from their children.

Hey look, Axios got ahold of a leaked draft of something called the FART Act, a bill that would essentially pull the U.S. out of the WTO and give La Grande Sharte broad new powers to escalate his job-destroying trade war. You have to admit, it's kind of cute that the dipshit who couldn't get Obamacare repeal through a Republican Congress even dreams he could get this genuinely daffy bill passed.

Red Rover, Red Rover, have Michael Cohen roll over! Yes, the Sensei of Sez-Hoo is squawking about how the Velveeta Vulgarian may no longer command his shitty goon loyalty, IS THERE NO HONOR AMONG FUCKWEASELS? Now, maybe he's signaling cooperation, and maybe he's just begging for a pardon, but I'll bet Boss Shart sweats through a couple extra pairs of golf pants this week.

A U.S District judge struck down Kentucky's plan to force work requirements on Medicaid recipients, so Tea Party Governor Matt Bevin lashed out like a toddler who'd been denied ice cream, cutting dental and vision benefits from half a million of his constituents, cuz what's the point of even being Governor if you can't dehumanize the less fortunate, amiright?

Congrats go out to Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, who will become the latest President of Mexico to refuse to pay for Government Cheese Goebbels’ Big Stupid Border Wall. Still, you just know Dumbass is going to ask, because dammit, he just doesn't feel like he's put in a full day's work if he hasn't embarrassed the shit out of the nation at least once.

Big summit coming up with Putin, and the question on everybody's lips is “Will President Crotchvoid recognize Crimea as part of Russia after they took it by military force in defiance of international law?” which is a totally normal thing to be wondering about the President of the United States who is totally not a Russian asset how dare you even suggest such a thing.

And Scott Pruitt got caught smuggling thousands of dollars worth of printer ink cartridges out of EPA headquarters up his ass. Well, not really, but would you be surprised?

Look, I don't want to shit all over what ought to be a relaxing holiday break, but some travesties demand our attention, even when it would be easier to look away. No, I'm not talking about the families ripped apart, or the children detained in cages...I'm talking about the social shunning Alan Dershowitz is experiencing up at Martha's Vineyard. Wow. Rick folks don't want to hang out with a withered old fuckwad working as a talking head teevee shield for a wannabe fascist. I ask you, IS THIS EVEN AMERICA ANYMORE?

I guess Donnie Dotard's been scrawling angry letters to our NATO allies, somewhere in between parroting Russian propaganda and praising the 3rd world dictator who's mocking him in front of the entire world. The letters are allegedly not even accompanied by Starburst candies, so the kid gloves are really off now.*

Anyway, I'm wrapping this one up early so we can all get on with our holiday festivities by which I mean the big fat Antifa Civil War we're launching, but seriously, who told Alex Jones IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SURPRISE.

PS, I see Fat Q*Bert refused a request to order flags lowered to half-mast in honor of the Capital Gazette shooting victims, no doubt because he's itching to get back to demonizing the press as "enemies of the people" as soon as inhumanly possible. What an ass.

*In Drumpf's case “kid gloves” really just means “gloves,” of course.

Ferret/Shower Cap Wants YOU to fight to take back Congress!

Hey you. Yeah, you. Crawl out from under that blanket. Yes, I know it's been a shitty week, but we have work to do.

(Today of all days, you'll want to click over to my blog site to get links: http://showercapblog.com/shower-cap-wants-you-to-fight-to-take-back-congress/)

Did I say shitty? That may be understating it. The Supreme Court really rubbed our faces in the whole “instead of Merrick Garland you have a plutocratbot that hates people” thing. They're busting unions and upholding racist travel bans plus there was that one decision that says I have to give Reince Priebus a handjob whenever he asks. (That one was actually 5-4 with Ginsburg as the swing vote, just because she likes fucking with me.*)

And as if we weren't already having the time of our lives with judicial hippopotami tap-dancing on our groins in stiletto heels, Anthony Kennedy decided it was finally time to retire and write those dinosaur porn novels that've been percolating in the back of his mind all these years, leaving Fat Q*Bert to fill his spot on th'Bench with some Monster from Lou Dobbs’ Id.

And Mike Pants got his hairshirt all sticky because he'll finally get to steal bodily autonomy from all the filthy whores and get back to the good ol’ days when women were practically property, and also let's shove the LGBTQ folk back in the closet where they belong, and he's probably fantasizing that by the end of his second term maybe he can even bring back a little light slavery.


And while the media enters day 34,272 of their Ignoring How the Administration is Running Concentration Camps for Children in Favor of a Hand-Wringing Debate on Civility, Maxine Walters is canceling events due to credible deaths threats.

So at this point, the week has basically locked you in a Lollapalooza port-a-potty, knocked you over, and rolled you end over end down a very large, steep, hill.

And then, after more than two years of this shameless hate-monger demonizing the press on a damn near daily basis, a lunatic with a grudge and a gun shot up the Capital Gazette newsroom in Maryland, and five more innocent people are dead.


To the disgust of all decent people but the surprise of no one, Gazette employees were still trying to sort out who was safe and who was gone when some of the scummier corners of the online MAGAsphere responded to the slaughter of their fellow human beings with...gleeful celebration? Jesus.


So yeah, it's been an absolutely brutal week. I've seen a lot of despair. Fuck, I've FELT a decent amount of despair. It feels like the bad guys are winning. It feels like we can't stop them.



Folks, I know time seems to move at a goddamn crawl these days, but we beat these motherfuckers just last week. Remember that? When Drumpf and his pet Klansman Jeff Sessions tried to mobilize the full force of the American government to steal children from their parents in an effort to terrorize asylum-seekers out of coming here?

Who stopped that shit? We did. We the People. We the Fed-Up, Oh Hell No You're Not Turning My Country Into a Place That Runs Concentration Camps PEOPLE.

So I wanna do something a little different tonight, before I get back to providing my usual service, which, again, is filtering the news through a series of poop jokes...not what I envisioned back in college, but here I am.

Let's remind ourselves of what we can DO. Let's fight back. With every tool at our disposable. Even right here, right now, on your phone or your computer, you can fight back right now.

And if it seems futile, let me remind you what we've already done; avalanche victories in Virginia, where the new government we elected expanded Medicaid under the ACA, and in New Jersey where they adopted bold new gun control measures. That's real impact. That's lives saved. We haven't been able to shift national politics that dramatically yet, but the (goddamn) midterms are closer than ever.

To that end, I'm working with my (super-awesome) webmaster to build a new page on the ol’ Shower Cap Blog site, a single, shareable, resource consolidating information on how you, dear reader, can fight back, with the heaviest focus on the battle to take back Congress this November. It'll be awesome and (I hope) comprehensive and full of snark and info and links, and it's coming very soon, perhaps even within the next week.

But let's get a head start right now. I'm gonna give you links to the campaign sites of some of the candidates in the races that will determine control of Congress. Click around. Donate if you can spare the money. Sign up to volunteer if you have the time. If nothing else, spend some time getting to know the good people on the front lines of this fight, and use your platform, however great or small, to talk them up to everyone you know.

Just for now, let's focus on House candidates that A) Have already won their primaries, and B) Are running in districts rated most competitive by Cook.

Jeff Van Drew in NJ-02

Mary Gay Scanlan in PN-05

Chrissy Houlahan in PN-06

Mike Levin in CA-49, Darrell Issa's old seat.

Susan Wild in PN-07

Jennifer Wexton in VI-10

Josh Harder in CA-10

Katie Hill in CA-25

Gil Cisneros in CA-39

Jason Crow in CO-06

Abby Finkenauer in IA-01

Sean Casten looking to beat that rat-bastard Pete Roskam in IL-06

Tom Malinowski in NJ-07

Antonio Delgado in NY-19

Anthony Brindisi running against Claudia Tenney in NY-22

Danny O’Connor in OH-12

Scott Wallace in PA-01

Lizzie Pannill Fletcher in TX-07

Colin Allred in TX-32

And then in the Senate, we're facing one ugly-ass map. We're defending a bunch of seats in hostile territory. We need to hang onto every single one if we want control. So why not lend your support to:

Bill Nelson in Florida

Sherrod Brown in Ohio

Tammy Baldwin in Wisconsin

Claire McCaskill in Missouri

Joe Donnelly in Indiana

Jon Tester in Montana

Heidi Heitkamp in North Dakota

Joe Manchin in West Virginia

Hang on to those seats, pick off a couple of these, and we can shut down the McConnell/Trump judicial appointment pipeline once and for all:

Jacky Rosen in Nevada

Phil Bredesen in Tennessee

Kyrsten Sinema in Arizona

And ok, it's a longshot, but I say dream big:

Beto O'Rourke in Texas

Whew. Lotta fronts in this battle, but we ain’t got time to bleed. Our country needs us.

If the Capital Gazette can get a newspaper to press mere hours after a mass shooting in their newsroom, surely the rest of us can pick ourselves up after last week and get back in the fight, right?

Alright, did you donate to at least one? Assuming you gave what you could, let's get back to the gags.


While we're talkin’ Congress, we may as well check in on the bad guys real quick, they're amassing a real dirtbag all-star team over there. If you forgot about that one LITERAL NAZI running in Illinois, perhaps you'll enjoy the profile Politico published today. Meanwhile, you probably heard about the pimp who won a primary in the party of family values? Well now he's been accused of rape. Maybe he can swap endorsements with North Carolina's Russell Walker, running on the novel “God is a white supremacist” platform. Don't forget Idaho's Priscilla Giddings, with her hilarious joke about shooting peaceful student protesters, which gets bonus points for timeliness!

Anyway. There's a weekly poker game at Roy Moore's favorite bar. The one down the street from the high school.

Y'know, since I'm feeling a little low, maybe I should outsource the jokes to Jeff Sessions today. He's out there doin’ a tight five on ripping children away from their parents and throwing them into camps! He's a regular Mike Huckabee, only with goofier ears. (Has anybody else noticed the Republican brand of humor is basically just laughing at their power to hurt people?)

Actually, the funniest joke I can come up with is “Some people think they can shame Mitch McConnell in adhering to the “rule” he pulled out of his shriveled turtles ass about delaying SCOTUS confirmations during election years.” If you imagine that guy gives two shits about being called out on his many hypocrisies, please contract me about some thrilling real estate opportunities.

Somebody suggested “Maybe Jeff Flake will stand, a rock-ribbed colossus in the Trump's path, holding pure and true to his threat to block the President's judges until he gets his tariff vote, a 21st century Jefferson Smith, a beacon for HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH I HAVE ACTUALLY DIED AND THE REST OF THIS POST WILL BE COMPOSED BY THE LAWYER HANDLING MY ESTATE.

Trey Gowdy had a funny joke during a congressional hearing. He was all “Rod Rosenstein, you wrap up your investigation tout suite!” as though he wasn't the very same partisan hack who funneled endless bullshit into the Benghazi “investigation” in order to extend it for seventy years or however long it ran, and as though he wouldn't still be shrieking about Hillary's emails if James Comey hadn't been such a self-righteous ass and fucked up the entire course of human history. SUCH A KIDDER, THAT GOWDY DOODY.

Or maybe the biggest joke of the day is just Jim Jordan. Seriously, watching that knuckle-dragger regurgitate Hannity propaganda, expecting to be treated like a serious adult would almost be funny if he weren't trying to, you know, destroy the republic and all.

Could anybody possibly be a bigger joke than Jordan? I kinda doubt - LOOK OUT, here comes Marco Rubio, screaming “HOLD MY TINY WATER BOTTLE!” Yes, though the nation finds itself immersed in more crises than we count, with new disasters popping up seemingly by the hour, the only use Senator Rubio can find for his post and platform is to whine about reading the F-word in a news story. I swear, it's like Florida found a piece of toast that got dropped in the toilet and decided to send it to the fucking Senate.

(If it wasn't so cliched by now, I'd tell Marco to fuck himself in the fucking ear with a rusty fucking trowel, but it is, so I won't.)

While the Shart of the Deal demands praise for being the Gandhi of the Korean Peninsula But Better at Golf, satellite images show the Kim Jong-un regime is actually upgrading their nuclear sites, and increasing production. It's hilarious, isn't it, watching this bloated goon strut around, boasting about how America's more respected than ever before, while a dime store thug teabags him in front of the entire world?

Heh. This is even funnier when you hear they're playing the North Korean anthem at pro-Shart parties. I wonder if they're doing the new version, with everybody laughing their asses off at the rube who keeps offering concessions in exchange for a pipin'-hot stack of NOTHING.

A growing number of Democrats are joining the call to abolish ICE, and they're supported by...a bunch of ICE agents? Yeah, I guess being increasingly perceived as Orange Julius Caesar's personal Gestapo isn't good for business.

Bill Shine is so scummy, he got fired by Fux Nooz for enabling a culture of sexual harassment, so naturally he's about to be the new communications director aboard the Shartanic. I guess if you don't have any reputation left to destroy, you don't have as much to lose by serving that evil fuck as, say, a decent human being might.

Hey look, Cowboy Ryan Zinke has an inspector general investigation of his very own, but I think he's just doing it to copy Scott Pruitt, who everybody knows is the coolest kid in corruption. Speaking of Pruitt, of COURSE there are fresh new scandals, the man is devoted to his work! Scotty's allegedly been ratfucking** former aides who exposed his embarrassing “Could I please have a used mattress that the President personally farted on” behavior. Naughty, naughty, Scotty!

Larry Kudlow is finally adjusting to his new work environment, and look! He just told his very first Goebbels Lie! The deficit is “coming down rapidly” proclaimed Kudlow, shooting a nervous glance at Sarah Huckabee Sanders, his orientation buddy. “It's ok, Larry! Our base will believe whatever shit we feed ‘em! Remember Pizzagate?”

What's that? When Strawberry Shartcake's reputation was ruined by a lifetime of failure, bankruptcy and fraud, and the only institution on the planet that would lend him money was Deutsche Bank, and the dude in charge of doling out the loans was...Justice Kennedy's son? Really? REALLY? Honestly, I think George R.R. Martin finally nuked the fridge with that one.

Through it all, Rascally Robert Mueller plugs merrily along. He's circling Roger Stone, who's surely sweating the pinstripes right off his suit by now. He's investigating everyone from the oligarchs at Shartboy's ill-attended inauguration party to the Brits who financed the Brexit campaign to whoever had the idea to make another Transformers movie. He's delaying Mike Flynn's sentencing, probably because he's going to need the treasonous former NSA to pop out of a cake at somebody's perp-walk party.

On the international front, the Marmalade Shartcannon seems to be doing all he can to fuck up America's reputation among the community of nations, as surely as if he were traveling to all the world's bathrooms and pissing on the seat.

Reports say this blundering, babbling toe of a man actually tried to bribe President Macron into pulling France out of the European Union. "C'mon Manny, I'll give you a discount on Trump steaks plus I'll sneak you into a beauty pageant dressing room, anyway please do it, Vlad says if I break up the E.U. I can have my left testicle back.”

And he's preparing for a big summit with Putin, parroting his “Interfere in American elections? Who, me?” propaganda, which I guess is the America-destroying collusion version of laughing too loud at your boss’ jokes.

Oh, and word is he wants to pull the U.S. out of the World Trade Organization. Advisors are like, “No Donnie, that would be really really fucking stupid and would probably blow up the global economy,” but you kinda worry it's like leaving a spoiled rich kid alone in a room with a cake you say he can't touch until after dinner; he doesn't believe you'll really spank him, so what's to stop him?

But hey, don't worry, the nuclear codes are safe with the CUDBRAINED TURDWORM WHO FELL FOR A PRANK CALL FROM STUTTERING FREAKING JOHN.

Tantrum in the trade war as Canada became the latest nation to announce retaliatory tariffs, instead of meekly submitting to Tangerine Idi Amin's bullying like they were ‘sposedta, no fair! Meanwhile, hundreds of companies are seeking “You'll destroy our whole fucking business you moron” exemptions from Drumpf's own tariffs, and General Motors is sounding the alarm. Lord, nobody tell Wee Don that Obama saved the auto industry, or he'll destroy it out of spite.

Alrighty friends, that's what I got tonight. I'm sure I missed some shit, I always do. I'll have that new page for you in a few days, but in the meantime, scroll back up and donate to some more House candidates, and I'll see you at the march tomorrow!

PS, Weehands McNodick is mad at Angela Merkel and is looking at withdrawing all U.S. troops from Germany, SLEEP TIGHT!

*Yeah, we hang out. Cuz we're both superheroes.

**"Ratfucking" is political slang, not to be confused with "Pigfucking," which is what Devin Nunes does, in a much more literal sense.

I'm Calling For a Million Propaganda Minister March on Washington in Support of Sarah Sanders (F/SC)

Y'know, now that we've spent a couple weeks inside Stephen Miller's shitty Harry Potter fanfic, where Hogwarts is a military-run detention camp with government-orphaned kids sleeping in cages under space blankets...I have to say I don't much care for it.

(As usual, this post is available, with helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/tonight-im-calling-for-a-million-propaganda-minister-march-sarah-sanders/)

It's been a rough year and a half, Shower Captives. I know that. We've been tap-dancing on the knife's edge for so long, we've forgotten what it feels like to genuinely rest. Still, we've wearily held the line, we've Resisted every assault on our values and our Democracy. And we haven't done too badly.

...but I'm afraid it's all been for naught, friends. We had a good run, but Freedom died over the weekend. The Stars and Stripes retired to Florida to do bath salts and eat faces, the Constitution crumbled to dust and blew away in the wind, and the Statue of Liberty stepped down off her pedestal and started turning tricks out by the docks.

For you see...Sarah Huckabee Sanders was kicked out of a restaurant.

Yes, a little joint called the Red Hen in Lexington, Virginia, took a small and peaceful stand for decency, and after a staff vote said, “Due to your not insignificant role in an unforgivable abomination, you may not pass a leisurely hour or two here, among the good people of this nation, whom you insult and betray daily. Though we have to wait awhile to use the levers of Democracy to remove you from the post you soil with your reprehensible dishonesty, you may not enjoy the fruits of our labors, or the comforts of our house. Please leave. Your cheese plate is on the house.”

This respectful act of protest has of course been treated in the media as the exact moral equivalent of the Drumpf administration's monstrous policy of forced family separation, because the crowd that desperately pretended Hillary Clinton's private e-mail server balanced evenly with Government Cheese Goebbels’ sexual assaults/race-baiting/stealing from charity/inciting violence/countless other crimes have learned absolutely nothing.

Oh, and SHS also broke the law by using her official government Twitter account to stir up the frothy minions of Cult45 against the restaurant. They dutifully complied, targeting their harassment and death threats at not only the Red Hen that actually said “No shirt, no morals, no service,” but also at every other similarly-named joint in the country, because these people are precisely as intelligent as they are kind. Somewhere, there's some jagoff in a made-in-China red ballcap screaming at a rooster...I guarantee it.

Look. Sarah Slanders is in the business of destroying America as we know it. That is her job, and she executes it with great enthusiasm. She lies professionally; and not the petty lies of the everyday politician, seeking to dodge accountability for a broken campaign promise or an extra-marital affair. She tells massive, gaslighting lies, aimed at destroying the very concept of objective reality, building in its place an Orwell-for-Dummies system where the state decides what's real and what's not, and all the pesky Jim Acostas of the world have cots waiting for them in the labor camps.

She is an evil person doing evil work on behalf of evil people. She should be pelted with the feces of all God's creatures, from the lowly droppings of the tiniest lizard to the majestic turds of the blue whale, every single time she leaves her fucking house.

Sarah clearly inherited her shameless villainy from her Affable HateYokel Dad, Mike. Ol’ Chuckle Huck, who's supported more pedophiles than a Roy Moore super PAC, is somehow ethically capable of transitioning seamlessly from tweeting straight-up white supremacist propaganda to whining about the “bigotry” of decent people refusing to serve his freedom-loathing, propaganda-belching, truth-annihilating offspring, all with the sneering condescension of a self-proclaimed “man of god.”

Anyway, the Uncredible Huck marched right back out to her Podium o’ Bullshit today, lectured the media about civility for a bit before shitting out all the same old lies, from “Democrats want open borders” to “separating families is the law,” to “lots of women want to date Stephen Miller.”

While the media class staged an elaborate ceremonial circle-jerk around the ridiculous “civility” debate, the administration constructed a fresh new bureaucratic hellscape. "Well, while we can't snatch any NEW kids away from their parents, we've still got 2,000 and change already in custody to play with! Tell you what, Mom, you can have your precious baby girl back! All you have to do is sign this paper renouncing your asylum claims for all time! I suppose you could always claim your legal rights, but who knows what might happen to your little angel in all that time?” oozes Jeff Sessions, as he holds out a pen...

Hey, d'you know what's For Cucks? Due process, that's what! The Tantruming Tangelo Toddler filled up a whole Sam's Club economy-size package of diapers over the fact that he can't just point his embarrassingly-wee finger at anyone he wants deported and have ‘em catapulted over the Big Stupid Wall he'll never get built.

Golly gee, I don't know why everybody's makin’ Nazi comparisons! It's only the white supremacist President who opened internment camps for children asking for a private security force that can punish anyone it likes without judicial oversight! DOES THAT TRIGGER YOU, LIBTARDS?

Sometimes we get so caught up in this petty little man's boundless hatred and malice that it's easy to overlook how he's also crazier than Nicholas Cage at an audition for a Charles Manson biopic. At a hate rally (yeah, the President of the United States regularly stages hate rallies, that's just something that happens now) motherfucker AUTOGRAPHED PHOTOS OF GANG VIOLENCE VICTIMS.

What the living fuck? How many Pixie Stix do you have to snort before you think, “you know what these grieving families whose tragedies I'm exploiting to stir up race hatred would really love? AN AUTHENTIC DONALD-TRUMP-SIGNED PICTURE OF THEIR DEAD KID! You should get that appraised! If you have any other kids, I bet you can put them through college on this SIGNED PHOTOGRAPH OF YOUR MURDERED CHILD!”

...anyone batshit enough to behave that way is a stone's throw away from ejaculating on the corpse at an open-casket funeral, is all I'm sayin’.

Yeah, he's one zany guy, that Idiot Manchild President of ours. One minute he's seething about something Jimmy Fallon said, and you can't help but laugh at the crippling insecurities that have prevented him from enjoying a single moment of his seven decades of life. The next, he's inciting violence against a sitting U.S. Congresswoman, and the insecurities don't seem quite so funny.

By the way, as these horny-for-fascism rat bastards focus on terrorizing asylum-seekers, the Shart's own Justice Department warns that this dumbfuck effort to keep America just a little whiter for just a little longer is diverting needed resources from the allegedly-all-important business of combating drug trafficking. I'm sure Don the Con understand this; more portraits to autograph down the line, you see...

Meanwhile Donnie Dotard's dipshit trade war is rackin’ up casualties...among American workers! One of Missouri's largest nail manufacturers has already laid off 60 employees, and worries it could be out of business by Labor Day! Tariffs have forced Harley-Davidson to move some production out of the country! To those who lose their jobs, your President thanks you for your sacrifice, and wants you to know it will not be in vain! JUST KIDDING this is all just one big ego trip and he certainly doesn't give a flying rat's ass about any of you!

Politico published an amusing little piece exploring how working for the white nationalist scumfuck currently polluting the Oval Office is the ultimate cock-blocker, I guess cuz whoever handles HR for that Clowncar Full of Rectums vastly overstated the aphrodisiac qualities of opening concentration camps for children. Yeah, sorry kids, no decent human being will ever fuck you again, but I'm told the incel message boards are lovely this time of year.

Truly Earth-shattering news today, as somebody finally managed to say something so racist on Fux Nooz that they got suspended instead of promoted! Former Shart campaign official David Bossie not only casually flung a slur at a black panelist, he did so while defending the President and his party...from charges of racism. Truth is stranger, and much much dumber, than fiction.

Erik Prince has turned his phone and computer over to Bodacious Bob Mueller's team. FBI investigators are reportedly disturbed that the folder marked “porn” contains nothing but videos of civilians dying in air strikes.

Speaking of Mueller, looks like he's bashfully batting his eyes at one of Roger Stone's buddies, sayin’ “Hey big boy, why don't you come on over here for an interview,” but the dude doesn't want to be known as a "rat,” preferring his existing reputation as a "grundle-huffing shitweasel,” which of course is the scientific term for “a friend of Roger Stone.”

And of course there were fresh new allegations of corruption for our old pal Scott Pruitt. I actually wrote that sentence two minutes after I posted my last blog, knowing full well it would prove true by the time I posted this one.

Big congratulations to every political journalist who shat out a think piece about the Marmalade Shartcannon winning so very very hard because his approval ratings were at their highest even as his inhuman depravity reached new and appalling depths. Any editor with half a brain (or, fuck, even with a semi-ripe cauliflower between their ears) would've told you, “Hold up, Daddy-O, let's wait and see how the CONCENTRATION CAMPS play out with the public before we print that one,” and sure enough, the number plummeted faster than Shartboy's Nobel prize chances.

Oh, before we go, Bill at the Abject Horror Desk has something he'd like to bring to our attention. What've you got, Bill?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Well, Cap, NBC reports that President Trump has increasingly stopped listening to Jim Mattis, shutting him out entirely on several major decisions.

Well, that doesn't sound that bad, Bill! Just good ol’ Washington gossip!

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: McMaster and Cohn gone. Mattis and Kelly sidelined. While John Bolton and Stephen Miller frolic freely through the corridors of power. Suddenly we're in a 90-front trade war and the military is opening tent cities to detain little kids. There's no adult supervision left, and not only are kids high on candy and soda pop, but they have nuclear codes.

Ah, well, when you put it like that...



...we're all gonna die.

Alright, that's all I've got tonight, chums. I probably missed something, but sifting through ALL THE GODDAMN POSTS ABOUT CIVILITY really decimated my capacity for news today.

Welcome to the All-New, All-Civil Blog! (Civility is a Trademark of the New York Times Company) F/SC

As the nation grapples with issues like “Is the free press really worth the trouble?” and, “Baby jails, Good, or Nah?” the New York Times helpfully reminds us that the REAL problem in America today is an all-around lack of civility, on all sides, shame on everyone. Equally.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Shower Cap hasn't always been the most civil fellow, but that changes here and now! Tonight I introduce a kinder, gentler, politer, both-sides-er Shower Cap blog! (Which you can find, with helpful news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/welcome-to-the-all-new-all-civil-shower-cap-blog-civility-is-a-trademark-of-the-new-york-times-company/)

(For optimal civility-maximizing effect, please read the following blog post to yourself in the snottiest British accent you can muster. Rex Harrison would be sufficient, but if you can find your way to full Tim-Roth-in-ROB-ROY, that would be ideal.)

'Twould appear Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, seeking only to unwind at a local Mexican restaurant following a hard day's work supervising the state-sponsored terrorizing of refugee children, was instead met with protesters who rather rudely suggested she should feel bad about terrorizing refugee children.

Why, even STEPHEN MILLER, that saintly youth, faced protesters while dining at, again, a Mexican restaurant. I ask you, dear reader, can a man not devote his entire life to unashamed white supremacy without being tauntingly called a fascist while enjoying the cuisine of the very people he seeks to oppress?

Shame on these protesters! Uncouth louts! In the future, when encountering this administration's villainous Capos in the public square, remember to bow or curtsy before explaining, in a firm but respectful tone, that turd-gargling fascists such as they are most unwelcome in the company of decent folk. Should they choose to maintain their presence, you may then, POLITELY invite them to lick your asshole until it's as clean as the day you were born. There's no reason to be discourteous about any of this.

Turns out Mike Huckabee, Friend of Pedophiles, will happily rent space on his famed Criminally Unfunny Twitter Page to any willing foreign power, provided the price is right. Wait, is it indecorous of me to mention the latest evidence discrediting a moralizing hack whose word is literally for sale? Would it shatter the entirely fraudulent idea that ol’ Chuckle Huck is a “man of God,” rather than an “affable hate monger?” Well, we can't have that. Pretend I never said a thing.

As has been rumored for a while now, Nikki Haley withdrew the USA from the United Nations Human Rights Council, perhaps over their refusal to rebrand as the United Nations Rich and Mostly White People's Rights Council. Haley's tenure as U.N. Ambassador has been marked mostly by bullying and failure, not unlike Bluto from the Popeye cartoons, who I will now pretend is basically the chair of the DNC, because wha

McClatchy posted a really fantastic, well-researched article on various shady-ass Russians funneling millions in cash to the Grand Wizard Grifter via real estate purchases, often through shell companies. Yes, this almost certainly indicates the President's involvement in criminal money laundering, but as we all know, it's really rather gauche to discuss money in public, so I'm afraid we'll just have to let this one slide, old boy.

More than 600 members of the United Methodist Church have brought church charges against the President's Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, because of the whole “children in cages” thing. If and when Sessions is excommunicated from his church for his crimes against humanity, I hope he'll be granted the courtesy of having the news delivered tastefully, on quality, perhaps even scented, stationary. “Mr. Sessions, we regret to inform you that you are evil shitsack, and a soulless horror of a man. Still, we wish you well in your inevitable damnation.” And there should be a thin mint in the envelope, because we're not savages.

President Shartca- no no, that's far too uncivil, that simply won't do...President MarginallyNaughtyBoy offered his latest justification for his ever-escalating trade war with our really quite patient neighbor to the north, an unhinged rant about - oh excuse me, (CIVILITY, CAP!) a...an intriguingly-novel-if-not-as-yet-supported theory about Canadians smuggling shoes over the border en masse. I guess.

In the spirit of bothsidesism, I must now provided a countering example of something equally batshit from a liberal source, so...gimmie a few days, I need to kidnap Howard Dean, force-feed him a bunch of bath salts, and lock him in a room with nothing but Pixie Stix and old Battlestar Galactica DVDs for a week or so.

Corey Lewandowski, always an unusually polite young man who rarely physically assaults female journalists, demonstrated the lengths to which the President's inner circle will go to preserve comity in our political discourse, by mocking a child with Down syndrome who had been stolen from her mother by the government of the United States. Still, Mr Lewandowski, I must interject. I shouldn't wish to make you uncomfortable, but don't you think it was a bit rude of you to interrupt while someone else was speaking?

Alas, Corey has been let go from his high-dollar speaking engagement booking agency. That was one mightily expensive “womp womp” sir! Your commitment to being an absolute festering sack of rhino shit has cost you tens of thousands of dollars, though I suppose Democrats are to blame for not doing more to reach out to the “laughing at the most vulnerable among us” demographic.

Y'know, I think I'm getting a handle on this “civility” stuff. I'm on a fuckin’ roll, y’all.

So let's get back to Kirstjen Nielsen. You know, a lot of people are shitting on Kirstjen for her shameful complicity in the administration's policy of ripping families apart and sending kids to concentration camps, but now I see how unfair this is. We need to be more open-minded, people! We need to find room in our hearts to ALSO shit on Kirstjen for lying over and over again about the Russians interfering in the 2016 election on behalf of her Idiot Klansman boss.

Now, it must be said that while the President of the United States once again held a lie-filled, race-baiting, hate rally last night, and that this is perhaps something less than a good thing, I'll remind you that a few days ago a film actor said “Fuck,” not once but TWICE at an awards ceremony, and I'm sure you'll agree that was equally undesirable. Mathematically equal. In fact, it's being reported that a number of the children being detained by the American government in internment camps have ceased crying out for their lost fathers and mothers, and now wail at all hours of the day and night for Robert De Niro to please watch his language.

(But let us at least give thanks, because finally, FINALLY, after nearly three years of gifting the Velveeta Vulgarian with billions of dollars worth of free airtime, no network save Fux Nooz carried this latest Festival of Hate and Spittle live. Let's hope that lesson sticks.)

Michael Cohen, who is up to his dead, empty, eyeballs in legal trouble, resigned from the RNC, which had somehow not fired him yet. Perhaps they were too busy refusing to return Steve Wynn's donations. On the other hand, Democrats promptly returned Harvey Weinstein's money, or passed it on to charities, and if it's all the same to you, I'm going to pretend that these two things are morally equivalent. To do otherwise would be...uncivil.

Not even the most dedicated bothsideser can justify the cartoonish depths of Scott Pruitt's corruption, but surely we can all join together as one people, regardless of race, creed, or color, and share a mad-eyed laugh that he's now been caught spending millions on “security,” including thousands on...on “tactical pants," and somehow, he'll still have a job tomorrow morning. We're all just blind drunk in the slums of Wonderland, and Scott Pruitt has hoarded all the Eat Me cakes in his soundproof booth, so there's no hope of escape.

What's this? Oh, I see the GOP is once again proposing massive reductions to the safety net, this time seeking $1.5 trillion in Medicare and Medicaid cuts. Weird how neatly that number syncs up with their massive tax giveaway to the rich, isn't it? But I certainly wouldn't be so...uncivil...as to bring that up.

Paul Manafort, who has now been in jail for nearly a week await trail, finds himself more #Manafucked than ever before, with a judge denying his request to pretty please suppress the evidence seized from his storage unit not that it's incriminating or anything. In other, less civil times, I may have laughed at Mr. Manafort's misfortune. I may have mailed him cupcakes that turned out to be made from dog food. I may have collected his tears in a jar, just to DIP MY BALLS in them.

...but I'm above all that now.

Melania visited a border detention facility for a quick photo op with some imprisoned children, and she...um...she seems to have worn a jacket with “I Really Don't Care, Do U?” printed on it...and um...all I'm saying is, my civility bone has had an awful lot of stress put on it today, and...look, could you maybe have worn one of the hundreds of millions of jackets in the world that DOESN'T FUCKING SAY “I DON'T CARE” ON IT, you dizzy idiot?

And The Federalist most courteously published a think piece in which the author furiously masturbated to violent fantasies of murdering, even scalping liberals because...who knows, some unhinged shit about tyranny and “57 genders,” but I'm pretty sure I saw Dick Durbin eat his salad with a dinner fork one time so once again I assure you the problem is civility, and that both sides are equally to blame.

Hey, here's a fun little story about a completely insane person who works at the Department of Health and Human Services, with a lengthy history of ranting about pizzagate and “spirit cooking” and all kinds of lunatic racist trash, but Democrats are JUST AS GUILTY, don't you remember that thing where...um...HOLY SHIT LOOK OVER THERE, ISN'T THAT ADAM LEVINE? (Scampers away while your head is turned.).

See, that wasn't so hard, was it? I got through the whole week's news recap without being ungentlemanly, and it wasn't even -

Pardon me, what?

No no, I covered everything. I'm very thorough.

Oh, the camps? The internment camps for children? Oh. Um...sure. I can totally cover that stuff, while maintaining my delicately-balanced centrism, my dedication to civility at any cost. Easy peasy!

So where were we? Ah yes, the Shart Admin-er, Trump Administration had instituted a policy of separating children from their parents at the southern border. This was done, with the open admission of multiple high-ranking officials, as a “deterrent,” effectively using the fear and trauma inflicted by the state ON CHILDREN to discourage other asylum-seekers from coming to the U.S., which of course is terrorism.

But surely it's ungracious to assign such motives even when there's...um...video documentation of Jeff Sessions announcing them with such unabashed pride you know he had to race offstage before he creamed his pants with the pure orgasmic joy of inflicting so much suffering on non-white people.

And ok, you're learning more and more about government employees confiscating toys and rosaries from the kids we're detaining. And there are accusations of children being drugged against their will. Being physically abused. And while we know the United States Government now operates motherfucking JAILS FOR BABIES, we still can't seem to pin down where the girls are, and these rat bastards are releasing pathetically out-of-date photographs hoping nobody will notice. Oh, and they're hiring dudes who've been caught with child pornography to work at their CAMPS FOR CHILDREN and I have to confess I'm pretty much at the end of my civility rope.

Because when I watch Laura Ingraham refer to these detention facilities as “summer camps,” I see the face of human evil. Laura Ingraham is the kind of person who would merrily lock a gas chamber door and flip the switch. That's the sad, simple, truth, everybody fucking knows it, and if your think it's “uncivil” to point that out, I invite you to dine on the contents of my cat's litter box.

And America saw this fuckery, and rose up and said “OH HELL NO.” We did not treat the perpetrators of these atrocities with courtesy, with civility, because they did not deserve it. We called them monsters, because they are monsters. We called them fuckheads, because they are fuckheads. We called them soulless, scum-sucking, excrement-munching, inhuman bastards whose very blood is Satan's cum because they ARE soulless, scum-sucking, excrement-munching, inhuman bastards whose very blood is Satan's cum.

Objectively. It's been proven by science. And they are welcome, civility be damned, to surgically attach themselves to the business end of my colon and enjoy the post-digestion fruits of my somewhat-less-than-optimal dietary habits.

These people are BROKEN. The gift of a human life, with a human soul, in a human body, is a miracle. To warp those gifts with hatred, as the men and women who currently run our country have, is a crime against humanity, and a crime against yourself.

Donald Trump, is sad, small, man. A petty, hateful, man, damaged beyond repair by his insecurities. And he's surrounded himself with a cabal of pretty much the shittiest human beings America has ever manufactured, sycophants and enablers and balding bigot dirtbags, all happy to egg him on as he plunges our beautiful country into darkness.

But we beat ‘em this week. Not a perfect, or complete victory, but an immensely important one. Not since the early days of the racist travel ban have these evil fucks attempted such wholesale annihilation of America's values. And not since those same days have the decent people of this nation risen up and said "Not on my watch, you tumor-felching carnies.”

So we called them out on their filthy lies and forced them to retreat, at least a little bit, and WE SHOULD FEEL GOOD ABOUT THAT. It's not enough, not nearly enough. They're still detaining families. They're still going to court seeking the right to detain families indefinitely. They feel no obligation whatsoever to reunite the families they've sundered, because, and NEVER LOSE SIGHT OF THIS FACT...because they are, in the end, totally immoral people.

But we knocked ‘em back. They felt our power, and they fear us. They should. November is closer than ever.

The President is a White Supremacist Terrorist and Other Hilarious, Hilarious Jokes.

Having a hard time with this one, friends. The gags don't come as easily when when you're dealing with atrocity, rather than the standard buffoonery. Like, “Didja hear the one about racist fascist president who took thousands of children hostage?” There's no punchline, just horror, sorrow, and rage.

(Tonight's blog is crap, the computer ate my last round of editing and my links. Nevertheless, I'm still at: http://showercapblog.com/the-president-is-a-white-supremacist-terrorist-and-other-hilarious-hilarious-jokes/)

Things're so shitty, I can barely enjoy the fact that Paul Manafort has been sent to jail since the last time we touched base. I should be in the hospital right now, having ruptured my fucking gut laughing at the image of that cheap crook, rotting away in a cell, having finally found a problem he couldn't RichWhiteGuy himself out of.

But I'm sitting here listening to a recording of children crying out for their parents in a fucking government-run detention camp, and I confess I can't find much to laugh about.

Ok. We can do this. Start with something light.

Oh, I know. How about the thing where Weehands McNodick, desperate to spin his diplomatic debacle in Singapore, fabricated a brigade of grieving parents of those who died in the Korean War, because he can't find anyone who's actually still alive to deliver the praise he craves. Now, everybody's been calling him out on what seems to be a rather obvious falsehood (the parents of Korean War soldiers would all be well over 100 by now), but what if it's true? What if he's being haunted? What if he's constantly swarmed by the shrieking spirits of the restless dead, demanding recompense for forgotten wounds?

...it might explain the irrational behavior, the lack of attention to detail, the inability to competently groom himself, etc., is all I'm sayin’

We were treated to a few behind-the-scenes anecdotes of Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops acting like a spoiled brat at the G7 summit, like the socially maladjusted rich kid you had to invite to your birthday party because his dad works with your dad.

First we learned of Orange Julius Caesar’s dutiful parroting of Putin's “They speak Russian in Crimea” excuse for VIOLENTLY INVADING A SOVEREIGN NATION, because while he's President of the whole dang United States of America, he still hasn't won Vlad's coveted Employee of the Month award. The prize is a jar of piss from the fairest hooker in all the land, so you know he really really wants it.

And then there was the juvenile line about “shipping Mexicans” to Japan. That's possibly the Drumpfiest thing he's said yet; petulant, racist, and embarrassingly pathetic. This must be this “We're America, bitch,” thing he's trying out. Don't worry, after his dumbfuck trade war has destroyed the economy, and his tantrums have ruined the reputation so many better men and women fought so long and hard to build, we can always have Donnie's Daddy bail us out of trouble. That plan always worked for him before, anyway.

And then it was off to North Korea, where he SALUTED A FUCKING NORTH KOREAN GENERAL, which historians of all political persuasions unanimously agree was the single biggest cuck move in human history.

Back home, Shart Garfunkel and his shitty, shitty, children are finally facing a lawsuit for stealing from charity, because oh yeah, thanks to the enthusiastic support of evangelical "Christians,” our President is the kind of absolute crotchtumor who uses his “charitable foundation” to make political donations, pay off legal debts, and purchase a big fat ugly painting of his big fat ugly self.

Now, the Shart insists he won't settle! But the NYAG office has a voucher, in his handwriting, directing the charity to illegally dispense funds to settle a lawsuit, soooooooo they probably aren't looking to settle either, y'know?

Michael Cohen, perhaps seeking one last humiliation as a free man before he has start swapping rim jobs for cigarettes, tried to get a gag order on Michael Avenatti, to please stop completely owning him in public all the damn time. The judge didn't bite, because the law doesn't work that way, which Cohen would probably know if he were a real lawyer.

The Sensei of Sez-Hoo likely also wants a gag on federal investigators taping the contents of his shredder back together, and decoding his encrypted messages, because they sure as shit did that. Anyway, Cohen's pending perp walk should get better rating's that his Boss’ inauguration.

Ronna Romney McDaniel is HERE FOR THE FASCISM, y’all. She might not be willing to return Steve Wynn's donations or apologize for financing serial child molester Roy Moore’s Senate bid, but she's totally down to tweet out threats to any who refuse to bend the knee to High Priest of Diarrhea Gargling. I don't know what she's calling herself these days, but a Romney by any other name would smell as shitty, so fuck you, Ronna.

Fat Q*Bert seems to have figured out the child-proof locks General Kelly installed in the Oval Office, because he waddled out on the White House lawn for an impromptu press screeching last week, apparently because he was worried there might still be one person somewhere on Earth who still believes he's sane. Or honest.

Editorial cartoonist Rob Rogers has been fired by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette for criticizing God Emperor Colonblight; fascist wannabe state media has claimed one more outlet HA HA HA CAP YOU'RE SUCH A JOKESTER PRINT MEDIA IS DYING AND IT'S TAKING THE RIGHT TO PROTEST WITH IT HA HA HA.

Legislative affairs director Marc Short is allegedly the latest rat to flee the Shartanic, having directed the legislative affairs of a massive tax giveaway to the uber-wealthy and...not much else. I guess Short wasn't looking forward to shepherding Stephen Miller's We Will Release One Child Hostage For Every Dark Skinned Person Who Self-Deports Act through the Senate.

I barely have the heart to cover the opening of the latest new wing in the P.T. Barnum Presents Scott Pruitt's Wondrous World of Cacophonous Corruption Traveling Museum and Wild West Show. It's a pretty good show, too. WATCH IN AWE as Scotty wrangles Rose Bowl tickets from an energy industry bigwig! GAZE IN SHAME as he engages in Olympic-level ass-kissing to save his job!

...but since he isn't LOCKING CHILDREN IN CAGES, his offenses seem almost quaint today. You go to your little football game, Scotty.

Fresh action on the Chinese front of the international trade war, with Beijing and Shartopia exchanging billions in new tariffs. Don't worry, America! Your President won't back down, no matter how many hundreds of millions of dollars worth of damage he inflicts on farmers! And as you struggle to feed your families, know that your sacrifice serves the noble cause of momentarily placating his insatiable ego!

Speaking of the Big Dumb Trade War, I see regular Canadians have announced their intentions to boycott American products, but their currency is based on maple syrup and autographed hockey pucks, so we should be fine, right?

As the quest for the “Best People” has devolved into a frantic search for warm bodies, the Shart House has resorted to seeking candidates for what ought to be the most coveted gigs in politics at a freaking job fair. It's still a tough pitch; we have nothing to offer but blood, toil, overdone steak farts, and the guarantee of crushing personal legal debt.

The long-awaited Justice Department Inspector General Report hit the streets last week, jumping directly to the top of Billboard's Government Records charts, supplanting a study on the gap between Jeff Flake's professed anti-Trump self-puffery and his actual voting record.

Of course, the Hairplug That Ate Decency proclaimed the report exonerated him of all accusations of collusion (it didn't), as well as proving that Salma Hayek really really wanted to date him.

One thing you have to give Babbling Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani; he understands that nothing short of the complete destruction of the rule of law in America can save his shitty grifter boss. So he's out there on any TV show shameless enough to host him, screeching that Mueller must be investigated, must be suspended, must be fired. Based on not one fucking thing.

That's Rudy and Donnie's whole strategy; obliterate Americans’ faith in the law and those that would enforce it. That's the play. And these two hateful old men don't give half a rat's ass about the nation they'll leave behind; let it all burn, just so Donald Fucking Trump can keep crapping in his gold toilet until the fast food and experimental hair tonic finally catch up to him.

And Roger Stone sings:

Oops I did it again
I lied to your face, and while under oath
Oh Baby, Baby,
Oops, you thought you could trust
Are you fucking concussed?
I'm not that innocent!

(And now you're picturing Roger doing all that sexy dancing, aren't you? You're welcome.)

But yeah, Stone seems to have forgotten one itsy-bitsy meeting-with-th’Russians-offering-dirt-on-Madame-Hilldawg in his months of blanket denials that almost certainly extended to his testimony before Congress, but his memory seems to have been jogged by the fact that Bodacious Bob Mueller apparently knows all about it.

Now, if Devin Nunes were interesting in doing his job, he'd have a rather enormous problem with Roger Stone lying under oath to Congress. That's a crime. Kind of a significant crime, actually.

But Devin doesn't care about the rule of law. Devin has just two passions; fucking pigs and obstructing justice, and he seems to be temporarily out of pigs. In fact, he refuses to release the transcripts of Stone's testimony, because he is using his post as the chairman of a powerful congressional committee to shield members of his party from the consequences of their lawbreaking. (Oh shit, you were expecting a joke, and instead you got a bleak description of objective reality! YOU AIN'T SEEN NUTHIN’ YET!)

Devin also confessed to being part of a Dastardly Deep State Plot where FBI agents leaked him damaging classified information on HRC during the 2016 campaign. Somehow it's heroic when it's him, but a Monumental Assault on Everything That's Good and Right when law enforcement investigates Drumpf's many crimes, because...reasons.

On a nicer day, a kinder day, we could all enjoy a few laughs at Shartolo Colon’s bonehead directive to establish a whole new branch of the military called (James Earl Jones voice SPAAAAAAAAAAACE FOOOOOOOOOORCE!

Folks, this is what happens when you elect Mike Teavee President. It's like outsourcing national security decisions to the group of kids I hung out with in 3rd grade, after we stayed up all night binging on root beer and Twizzlers the night Nate's parents let us rent ROBOCOP. Honestly, we can probably head this whole thing off if Mattis just orders the Pentagon to build the Toddler in Chief a really cool spaceship model, providing it makes adequately amusing pew pew pew noises.

Forbes has an incredible deep dive into the truly phenomenal ethical abuses of Nap-Prone Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, up to and including profiting off of the publishing of an earlier story about his ethical abuses. In any earlier administration, this would be an earth-shaking scandal. Today, it almost feels like a distraction from the government's greater evils.

At least we can take a moment to laugh at our old friend KKKris KKKobach, who not only had his bullshit voter suppression law struck down in court today, but was even ordered to take six hours of continuing legal education classes by the judge, just for being such colossal fucking idiot.

And now that I'm laughing at KKKris, I suppose I can finally muster the appropriate level of schadenfreude to appreciate Paul Manafort's imprisonment. Tonight, Paulie, I'm ordering a pizza, drinking a six pack, and choosing the one precise moment in time when I want the lights in my bedroom to turn off. You can't do any of these things, because you're too fucking dumb to not commit crimes when the F.B. FUCKING I. are surveilling your every move. Really nice work, genius.

Ok fine, I guess we have to deal with the elephant in the room. The elephant being The President is a White Supremacist Who is Using American Law Enforcement to Carry Out Acts of White Supremacist Terrorism.

Can we please stop fucking around about this shit? There was never ANY interest in increasing American greatness, only in decreasing the amount of America that shitty white folks had to share with other people.

You've probably seen in the media that “men” like Stephen Miller and John Kelly support this policy as a “deterrent.” Let's break down what they mean by that. They mean they want to make asylum-seekers associate “The United States of America” with horror. With terror. With “that's that place where they FUCKING STEAL YOUR CHILDREN.”

That's why this policy is terrorism. It's designed to terrorize. Your government, in your name, with your tax money, is committing acts of terrorism. They're hurting children, on purpose. The goal of the policy is to hurt children. Hurting children is the entire fucking point. Well, hurting children, in order to spread terror. Terrorism.

Amnesty International calls it torture. Because it is. The American Psychological Association calls it a “mental health crisis.” It is. The president of the American Association of Pediatrics calls it “government-sanctioned child abuse.” And it is.

But to Donald J. Trump (the “J” stands for “inhuman monster”), American President/Unapologetic Kidnapper & Terrorist, this is finally the opportunity he's been seeking to get his Stupid Fucking Wall built! Blisteringly incompetent, historically ineffective, unapologetically evil, he imagines swapping the CHILDREN HE'S THROWN INTO CONCENTRATION CAMPS for fulfillment of an empty promise he made to hateful rubes.

And that's the state of politics in the United States on Monday, June 18th, 2018.

And while one team of immoral stooges brags to the base about all the harm they're inflicting on the non-white, another brazenly perpetuates lies like “we're only enforcing the law,” or “Democrats did this,” or “Sarah Huckabee Sanders is a human being with a human soul.”

And so we have children, CHILDREN in cages, on suicide watch. We have a Border Patrol agent mocking the cries of suffering children. And we have a law enforcement officer sexually assaulting a four year old girl, confident he'll get away with his abominable action because her mother is undocumented, and therefore subhuman, and therefore powerless. You have, in short, plenty of Americans who are all to ready to transform their country into a fascist, white supremacist hell.

The Republican base has become such a rage-spitting hate cult that they LOVE this evil, even as anyone with the tiniest shred of decency is understandable appalled. But hey, they apparently like Kim Jong-un more than Nancy Pelosi, because the only value remaining to them is fealty to the Grand Wizard Grifter. After less than two years, they prefer the dude who runs slave labor camps to the woman who thinks human beings deserve health care.

Meanwhile Kirstjen Nielsen literally demands “don't believe those dirty journalists, with their photographic evidence and their eyewitness accounts! WE, THE BENEVOLENT STATE, HOLD THE ONLY TRUTH!” Withered Hate Demon Ann Coulter suggests children are only ACTING when they express the slightest displeasure at being ripped away from their families. The ghouls at Fux Nooz suggest these kids should be grateful for their detention.

Perhaps in a few months, when the trade war has wrecked the economy, Jesse Watters will suggest that we can no longer afford to feed these children whose lives we've destroyed. Perhaps a more permanent, more...final solution is called for.

Fuck, there hasn't been a joke on this so-called political satire blog for quite awhile now. I'm sorry, friends, I just can't find humor in this monstrousness.

Oh wait, here's one: How many Trump Administration Officials does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


That joke sucks, I know. So does real life right now. I hope you're up for a fight, dear reader, because a fight is what you've got.

There's more, I know. There's Shartboy backing out of the U.N. Human Rights Council and the Senate shitting on his plan to let China and ZTE off the hook and god knows what else. But I haven't the strength right now.
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