TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalDemocracy Dies in YOUR MOM'S STANKY DRAWERS (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Say, this latest round of drama made me realize, Shower Caps Blog has yet to formally endorse in the 2024 presidential race. Well, Ill be danged (all the way to Heck) if democracy dies in a tattered, beer-stained, superhero bathrobe and a luchador mask! Yea, though it may endanger my lucrative defense contracts, (I provide fart jokes to the janitorial staff at Andrews
at a hefty markup, of course) I shall be silent no longer!
(As ever, get this post, WITH nifty nooz links, here: https://showercapblog.com/democracy-dies-in-your-moms-stanky-drawers/)
I hereby endorse Jill Stein, or perhaps Cornel West, because when I shove quarters up my nose, I shove em all the way! Because Im a preening nincompoop who values social media feedback from other preening nincompoops more than human life! Because chicks dig counterproductive, masturbatory virtue signalling
right?
Aw, Im just yankin yer chain, Im voting for Vice President Harris. (Cmon, you didnt think a Stein voter possessed a brain capable of writing jokes, didja?) And mostly for the Biden/Harris economy, which even ThEconomist calls the envy of the world, the biggest environmental bill in history, the dozens of liberal judges, and so on and so forth.
But even beyond that, she has a certain, how shall I put this
non-fascistness that I find charming, somehow. The way she never calls her political opponents the enemy within, or threatens to deploy the military against them, its
I dunno, kinda refreshing. Like a nice, tall glass of iced tea after a 14-hour shift breaking up rocks in the re-education camp.
She never talks about firing and/or deporting any special counsels investigating her crimes against democracy, admittedly because she never committed any such crimes in the first place, but still.
I find the relative dearth of national security officials warning the nation of her fascist tendencies particularly encouraging. She doesnt talk like Hitler or praise Hitler or long for the kind of generals that Hitler had, which strikes me as a far superior attitude to have about Hitler than, say, her opponents.
Whereas you cant swing a dead cat these days without hitting a four-star general willing to use the f-word to describe Off-Brand Orbán. You might notve seen it, but a former Pentagon snack counter clerk just told CNN about the crusty, bronzer-smudged copy of Mein Kampf he found in a restroom stall back in 2019.
Of course, the aforementioned cat would also collide with a veritable legion of institutional Republicans, lining up to normalize the latest depravities as quick as their Turd Emperor can spew em. While Tom Emmers sycophancy makes up in enthusiasm what it lacks in finesse, more experienced stooges, like Chris Sununu and Dug Bugman, shuffle from media hit to media hit, regurgitating talking points like the soulless husks they are.
Moses n Yertle took things a step further, waggling their crooked fingers at Kamala for stating the obvious. I think its kind of adorable that such craven lickspittles imagine they have the right, much less the capacity to shame anyone else.
I suppose the bright side of defending your candidate from accusations of fascism is you finally get to stop defending his bizarre obsession with Arnold Palmers (allegedly) massive dong. And shoot, apparently nobodyll even have time to ask about the model who accused him of groping her to show off for Jeffrey Epstein. I guess flooding the zone with shit makes sense when your candidate is a piece of crap.
Id have to check, but Im pretty sure Harris never sexually assaulted anyone in an effort to impress a sex trafficker. Or pledged to pardon any domestic terrorists. Or called America the garbage can for the world. Or raped anybody. So Im feelin pretty good about that endorsement.
Oh, incidentally, in addition to all the fashy shit, his economic platform would bankrupt Social Security in six years. And youll need that money, after his across-the-board tariffs jack up the price you pay for everything from spray-on hair to livestock dewormer. So, fiscally irresponsible, fascist rapist. Got it.
Ah, but an eminently puppetable, fiscally irresponsible, fascist rapist, which explains Elon Musks massive, probably illegal, certainly inefficient investment in bribes. Psst, hey Elon, any chance you could cover some of the rally bills your boy has refused to pay, or are you too busy skipping like a dipshit?
Maybe somebody could dip into to the fund amassed from bilking the elderly out of their life savings? Oh, that money is reserved for piss hooker excursions? I understand.
Getting back to Musk real quick, seems hes gotten into the habit of phoning up Putin, just to talk about boys and clothes, and also throttling Starlink service over Taiwan, as a favor to Xi Jinping. I assume the Bushes trademarked Axis of Evil, so maybe we could go with something like, I dunno, Scumfuck Triumvirate? Global Shitwad? Well workshop it.
Course, weve got plenty on our plate domestically. Our dont-you-dare-call-them-fascist rank and file Republicans are, of course, threatening election workers, necessitating police snipers and drone patrols in Maricopa County. Yknow, just like in all the healthiest democracies.
No doubt youve seen ads where your local candidate encourages you to make a plan to vote. Well, in Pennsylvania, a particularly enthusiastic 62-year-old named John C. Pollard made a plan to SKIN (his local poll worker) ALIVE AND USE (his local poll workers) SKIN FOR FUCKING TOILET PAPER. But definitely not in a fascist way.
Other non-fascist MAGA activities this week included flagging voters with "Hispanic-sounding" names as "suspicious" in North Carolina, manufacturing odious deepfakes for Russian military intelligence, and masquerading as a pro-Trump Black Insurrectionist to disseminate disinformation over on Elons busted, white nationalist playground. Oh, and perhaps a little voter registration fraud in Pennsylvania.
Least fascist of all was Freedom Caucus Chair Andy Harris, who urged North Carolinas Republican-controlled legislature to simply award the states electoral votes to the Velveeta Vulgarian, without bothering with any of that pesky voting. In Andys defense, his plan, while terrifyingly anti-democratic, involves the use of no human skin as toilet paper.
At a perhaps-fascist-adjacent rally in Georgia, Tucker Carlson briefly emerged from deplatformed obscurity to foist his psychosexual irregularities on an audience that probably deserved them, meticulously detailing his fantasy wherein America is a bad girl in need of a vigorous spanking from Daddy Dotard. Pretty pedestrian, as perversions go, but we should note, for historys sake, just how embarrassing this whole thing has been.
Keeping with that topic, if you ever want to dazzle a death cult, turns out all you have to do is pretend to work at McDonalds for half an hour. They were gonna have JD Vance play one of the customers, but he was too busy working on his speech complimenting self-professed Black Nazi Mark Robinson.
Seems Judge Aileen Cannon has bootlicked her way onto the Turd Reichs Attorney General shortlist. Used to be, you had to invent a whole new type of extra-masculine toilet to get appointed to the highest law enforcement post in all the land, but I guess times change.
As we navigate these unbearably tense final weeks, with the nation teetering on the brink of autocracy, I find its more important than ever to slow down, take a deep breath, and enjoy the sweet, slapstick justice the universe has seen fit to unleash upon Rudy Giuliani, who somehow keeps finding new floaters to collide with as he is flushed down historys commode.
Amerikkkas Mayor has been ordered to surrender a wide range of his ill-gotten possessions to defamed election workers Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss, including a picture of Reggie Jackson and a jersey signed by Joe DiMaggio, along with a 1980 Mercedes previously owned by Lauren Bacall, jewelry and fancy watches from Bulova and Rolex, but it seems as though court officials failed to uncover that trowel he swiped from Four Seasons Total Landscaping, so take THAT, rule of law!
I see Tulsi Gabbard finally completed her long, tediously stage-managed tap dance around the proverbial horseshoe, performing, with a slightly used KFC spork, the self-lobotomy ritual that officially initiates one into the MAGA Republican Party. Have fun with your new friends, Tulsi! Dont leave your drink unattended around Matt Gaetz!
Ok, before I sign off for the week, Im gonna poke around the information superhighway one last time, to see if either candidate reneged on a promise to pay for a murdered soldier's funeral, maybe in a super racist manner? Cuz thats a deal-breaker for me, endorsement-wise.
Anyway, HUGE NEWS, for the next 48 hours, all donations to my tip jar/beer fund (now accepting Cash App, Venmo AND PayPal) will receive, oh, why dont we say a 2000% match from some benevolent billionaire benefactor, who wouldnt dream of blocking a humble blogger from endorsing during such a crucial election.
Otherwise, share this rant on social media, sign up on the email list, follow @john_luzar
you know the drill. Stay safe out there, chums, were almost at the finish line
Sundowning Rapist Demands Nap (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Greetings, fellow Enemy Within️! Hope you enjoyed the lovely autumn week! The crisp weather, the changing of the foliage, the perhaps temporary absence of U.S. military personnel rounding us up into camps for disparaging Dear Leader!
(While you still have freedom to do so, click here to get this post with nifty nooz links: https://showercapblog.com/sundowning-rapist-demands-nap/)
I keep coming back to the boiling frog thing, because weve somehow managed to normalize our way into a coin flip for the nuclear codes with a decomposing sex offender whose closing argument is Harvey Weinstein got schlonged. All the water has long since vaporized out of our poor pot, and been replaced, with Russian hooker pee, which, it turns out, is really rather unpleasant when heated.
There seems to be a direct correlation between his rapidly declining mental state and his open embrace of naked fascism, so I think we need to consider the possibility that hes entered into a secret pact with Putin to divvy up Poland. Hell mention the invasion in passing, about 90 minutes into the American Carnage II: Blitzkrieg Boogaloo inauguration speech, between the snake story and the part where he hits on Katie Britt.
Because hes fading fast, folks. Weve arrived at the applying the bronzer to the entire face is too much trouble phase. The Kamala will abolish cows phase. The communication is too difficult for me now, but tell ya what, lets put on some music so yall can watch me wobble for an hour phase.
And dont get me wrong, Im certainly glad this latest malfunction (which historians have already labeled the Night of the Undulating Dingbat) has jump-started the overdue conversation on cognitive fitness, but honestly, wasnt that far and away the best version of Donald Trump youve ever seen? Shit, lets get him some rubber pants and find him a farm upstate where he can bop and sway to his broken little hearts content.
Because in those increasingly rare moments when his brain manages to eke out a little human speech, its to threaten to send SEAL Team Six after Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi, (THE ICE CREAM FREEZER IS SECURE, REPEAT, SECURE!) or to urge violent retribution against female hecklers.
At a Univision town hall, former registered Republican Ramiro González gave Americas overmatched political media a much-needed journalism lesson, asking Off-Brand Orbán, to his face, to justify his inaction on January 6th, while roving gangs of his subpar supporters rampaged through the Capitol in search of Vice Presidents to lynch.
Youve got it all wrong, responded the Dotard, stopping momentarily, for old times sake, to exaggerate the size of the crowd, It was a day of LOVE. Which is true enough, I suppose. Love of mob violence. Love of the rapist game show host who grants permission to dress up like a Game of Thrones extra and engage in said violence. Love of
well, call it fascism. Cuz thats what it is.
Now, obviously, no decent person could justify or defend this shit, which, I suppose, explains how the task fell to Glenn Youngkin, who could barely hack up a little half-assed, Orwell-for-the-borderline-braindead spin before withering under Jake Tappers not mad/just disappointed look.
Still, we have a powerful ally, in the fetid wad of Adderall-soaked bologna rotting away between the GOP nominees ears. Like, personally, if I needed to win the Rust Belt in order to stay out of prison, Id avoid shitting on auto workers. If the greatest threat to my candidacy happened to be a millions-strong army of furious women, I might resist the urge to dunk on Nikki Haley, particularly when shes offering to campaign on my behalf. But then, Im not a particularly stable genius.
No wonder he wont release his medical records. Which presumably consist of a yellowed, decades-old certificate for passing a cognitive test, and a single McDonalds napkin on which someone has hastily scrawled, in crayon, Held together, barely, with Scotch tape and spite. Could collapse into a pile of slugs at any moment.
Anyway, I dont need to tell you that jousting with little kids over the causes of the Civil War can be tiring work, but suffice to say, this Dotard is alllll tuckered out. Hes cancelling interviews left and right during these, the closing days of the campaign, lacking the stamina to even swat at softballs lobbed by the likes of Dan Bongino.
In contrast, Vice President Harris spent the week barnstorming swing states, with a brief interlude to fact-check Bret Baiers bullshit, right on his own home turf. Got better ratings than Donnie One-Term did, too.
According to Bob Woodward, former Defense Secretary James Mad Dog Mattis seconded everything General Mark Milley said about their former boss, you remember, fascist to the core, danger to the nation, yadda yadda yadda. Unconfirmed at press time are allegations that H.R. McMaster told Woodward Trumps noxious, unendurable flatulance frequently undermined, and even endangered the national interest, on one occasion sending an unnamed foreign leaders spouse to the hospital during a state dinner.
Shouldnt need saying, but Donald Trump is not the father of IVF, despite what you mayve heard to the contrary.
He did, however, yet again offer hush money to Stormy Daniels, so I think we can safely say the ship has sailed on the whole ever learning anything thing. Which might explain his unshakable faith in the punitive tariffs every economist alive insist would kidney-punch our economy.
Must be the tariff policy thats getting all the dudes with swastika flags to turn out for the boat parades. Yup, when I see a bunch of dudes on a boat flying a swastika flag, I think, wow, those guys sure are passionate about protectionism!
Former Trump attorney Christina Bobb, who currently works for the RNC, called for a national cleansing to clean out the filth, in a bizarre rant about Diddy and pedophilia, further demonstrating the American Rights deep, abiding belief in Donald Trumps trade policy. Mike Flynn is positively horny to unleash the gates of hell upon returning to the White House
on insufficiently taxed imports, surely.
Turns out JD Vances financial policy advisor, Aaron Kofsky, leads a secret double life as internet coke fiend PsychoticMammal, whose boundless love of substance abuse has led him to fill Reddit with tips n tricks for smuggling drugs onto domestic flights. And just like that, Don Jr.s advocacy for JDs addition to the ticket makes a little more sense, doesnt it?
I see Elon Musk is out to pad his Guinness World Record for largest loss of personal fortune in human history, regurgitating the same lies about Dominion Voting Systems that cost his pal Rupert a cool $787 million. All Im saying is, yknow
get that $100 bribe up front, Pennsylvanians.
Heavily armed Real Americans liberated communities in Tennessee and North Carolina from the tyranny of hurricane relief, in case anybodys looking for fresh material for our nations tourist brochures.
It takes a generational fop to get emasculated by a fella who once made his living putting on itty-bitty leather underpants, dousing himself in baby oil, and pretending to fight, but Donald J. Trump is no ordinary fop.
Following a rally in Coachella, the Trump campaign abandoned hundreds of their most devoted supporters in the middle of a literal fucking desert, offering the latest in a series of clear-as-the-nose-on-your-fucking-face lessons to the least teachable creatures to ever walk on two legs. I assume more than a little cannibalism went down.
Ted Cruz was publicly humiliated this week, though not, for a change, by a presidential candidate he endorsed.
Having apparently run out of convicts, Vladimir Putin turned to his sister shithole, North Korea, for cannon fodder. Thats right there in Chapter 39 of the Superpower Handbook: When Your Three-Day War is Going Really, Really Well.
So yeah. Lil wacky out there. Anyhoo, I know youre getting hit up for donations ninety-six times an hour right now, but know that when I rattle my tip jar, (now accepting Venmo, Cash App and PayPal!) every nickel goes towards not the betterment of the United States, but beer that I wont even share.
Or, you can post this rant on social media, sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com, and follow @john_luzar for nuthin! And Ill just
I dunno, lick a toad or something. Well figure it out. Home stretch, folks! Stay safe out there!
The Further Adventures of the Flatulent Rapist and His Loser Death Cult
So I see the Dunning-Krugerest fellow to eer walk the Earth has decided to refer to his opponent, who dog-walked him so brutally in their one face-to-face encounter that he now curls up in the fetal position, sucking that runty little thumb of his, at the mere mention of the word debate
as a dummy.
(As ever, get this post with nifty nooz links here: https://showercapblog.com/the-further-adventures-of-the-flatulent-rapist-and-his-loser-death-cult/)
In a just world, when a blithering doofus who comprehends how neither tariffs nor umbrellas work, who spent years (YEARS) bragging about passing a cognitive test, impugns anyone elses intelligence, the ghost of Alex Trebeck would appear, to, at the very least, fart directly into his mouth.
Speaking of imbecility and passing gas, the Dotard used a speech in Detroit as an opportunity to shit on Detroit, and possibly in his pants as well. Pretty consistent with the trajectory hes been on since that trial he sleep-farted through; you remember the one, where he got convicted on all 34 felony charges?
Shucks, hes deteriorated to the point where even the New York Times has taken notice. Better late than never, since the all but visibly decomposing old fop can no longer navigate a podcast interview without the hosts laughing directly in his face at his decline. Since his Art of the Deal ghost writer says, Its long been deeply unsettling to me how many behaviors associated with psychopathy Mr. Trump exemplifies. Since former Joint Chiefs Chairman Mark Milley calls him the most dangerous person to this country, and a fascist to the core.
Since hes apparently remained in regular phone contact with freakin Putin. Hey, Vlad, I was just dropping a line to see how your genocidal war of conquest was going. Still bogged down, huh? Well, if you can hack up some new emails for me, maybe I can do something about that! I, um, guess your get well soon card from the last assassination attempt got lost in the mail like the first one, huh?
Anyhoo, maybe we can reassign some of the reporters from the summers 24/7 Joe Biden Stammer Police beat to figure out precisely what the fuck Biden circles are? To ask him, once and for all, just who he imagines the late, great Hannibal Lecter is or was?
Though his handlers have prudently kept him away from military cemeteries of late, Off-Brand Orbán still manages to squeeze an impressive amount of desecration into his schedule, defiling a Purple Heart here, a Jewish prayer book there, grinning like a brain-damaged hyena while holding a photograph of a hostage kidnapped by Hamas
projectile indecency is simply second nature to him.
Now, personally, I wouldnt go around ranting about bad genes were the fruit of my loins as staggeringly subpar as Junior n Eric, but of course theres a reason 21st century Americas white supremacists spend their lives snugly cocooned within a disinformation-saturated alternate reality.
which, and Im addressing this to the alien anthropologists excavating the blasted remains of our dumbfuck civilization in the surely-not-too-distant future, is how we wound up with a culture that responds to natural disasters by threatening scientists lives.
Yeah, meteorologists are receiving death threats now, thats normal and healthy, right? Might wanna ask the doc about that at our next checkup. Oh, the doctor fled the country after her office was deluged with bomb threats, you say? Reasonable.
The real shame of this, the what-the-fuckest hurricane season since the Dark Ages at least, is so much of the carnage couldve been avoided. Kamala was totally prepared to turn the weather machine down, if not all the way off, but Ron DeSantis refused to take her call, because he was too busy threatening criminal charges against television stations that air abortion rights ads.
So now the FEMA battalions march through Real America, confiscating Trumpy Trouts from those sheeple too timid to heed Laura Loomers call for noncompliance. And we never wouldve learned any of this if Elon Musk hadnt overpaid for one of the worlds largest social media platforms.
I see Elons decided to put in a bid for the most bribable man alive, suppressing stories on Xwitter at the campaigns request, offering exorbitant, probably illegal wages to swing state canvassers, perhaps even going a-door-knockin himself. Of course, should the nation actually fall to this grotesque supervillain team-up, of the guy who bankrupted casinos and the guy who lost more money than anyone in human history, by summer 2025, youll find America up on cinder blocks outside a meth lab.
While Musk no doubt amasses a bonesaw dismemberment list in anticipation of having his very own pet president to puppet, hes gonna have to get in line, and the queue for state-sponsored vengeance gets longer every day: Milley, Romney, Deloitte, (the whole company is to be punished because one employee leaked those messages where JD Vance accidentally told the truth about his future running mate) CBS, (for that 60 Minutes interview Littlefinger was too chickenshit to do) plus whoever blew up Mr. McMahon on Monday Night Raw all those years ago.
Turns out Trump Bibles are produced in China, presumably in a sweatshop down the street from the one that manufactures those bright red baseball caps we use to identify our idiots. Im assuming made in America didnt make it onto that carefully crafted, grifter-friendly checklist Oklahoma Superintendent of Public Instruction Ryan Walters concocted for his little unconstitutional shopping spree.
So, on the Sunday shoz and elsewhere, a number of prominent Republicans, including Senator Tom Cotton, and the Speaker of the Whole Dang House of Representatives, were unable to answer a question any third grader could: who won the 2020 election?
So Im thinking its time to lower the bar. Forget about policy, we need to know which of our elected representatives believe the Earth is flat. Is the moon made of green cheese? In the case of a legitimate rape, does the female body indeed possess ways of shutting that whole thing down? (Boy, Akin wouldnt even merit an above-the-fold headline in 2024, would he?) Do you believe the government controls the weather via space lasers, be they Jewish-owned or communal?
Apparently we need to ask these questions of the GOPs nominee for Vice President of the United States. Cmon JD, what other objective truths do you deny? You probably think Shane lives at the end, dont you? DONT YOU?
Viewers who normally tune in to Jesse Watters show for the sneering misogyny and wingnut propaganda got a special treat this week, in the form of dating advice, from the least impressive white supremacist this side of Nick Fuentes.
I guess my worry is that when Im in the gulag, getting waterboarded, with my testicles hooked up to a car battery, I still wont be able to force myself to refer to Stephen Miller as a sexual matador, no matter how much I may want the pain to stop. Anyway, once you appear on national television with spray-on hair, you forever lose all rights to refer to anyone else as beta, thats on the tablets Moses hauled down from the mountaintop.
Okay, thats more than enough of that. I do believe I shall now drink until the neural pathway within my poor, beleaguered brain, between Stephen Miller and sexual matador is bludgeoned to atoms. I shall no doubt require fiscal assistance in this noble quest for sweet obliteration, so feel free to drop a few bucks in the ol tip jar, (now accepting, you guessed it, PayPal, Cash App, AND Venmo) because I actually think about matadors quite a bit, thanks to that one Bugs Bunny short.
Or you can share this post on social media, sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com, and follow @john_luzar over at the Bad Place, for free! Stay safe out there, mlovelies
Say, Why Not Have One Really FRIENDLY Day Instead? (Ferret/Shower Cap)
At the rate were normalizing this shit, within five years well be lamenting the commercialization of the official Day of Violence. Your kidsll come home from school hopped up on sugar from the candy in the lynched Pence piñata, and the whole familyll gather in the living room, to sip mulled horse dewormer while rewatching all those corny Lifetime specials, where the disillusioned big city girl returns to her hometown and reunites with the (Proud) boy next door to burn down all the ethnic restaurants on Main Street.
(I bet you know this by now, but if you click this link, youll be whisked away to a magical land of links n shininess; https://showercapblog.com/say-why-not-have-one-really-friendly-day-instead/)
Aw, whore we to begrudge our proto-fascist brothers and sisters their one really violent day, anyhow? One day of dictatorship, one Kristallnacht, bomb threats and half price appetizers during happy hour every other Tuesday, surely thats fair.
Yeah, shits getting downright freaky, here in the closing weeks of the 2024 campaign. In Off-Brand Orbáns defense, his assessment, that driving millions of brainwashed voters insane with fear and hate represents his best chance of avoiding prison time, is probably accurate.
Faraway caravans are so 2018, now migrants are about to walk into your kitchen and cut your throat." Memories of playground nicknames like Crooked Hillary and Sleepy Joe seem almost whimsical as he snarls that his opponent is mentally impaired, in between rants about waterless restrooms and former hetero life mate Kim Jong-uns plot to assassinate him.
In such context, Jack Smiths new filing probably hit the Children of the Candy Corn as welcome confirmation of their Turd Emperors willingness to actually commit the crimes most wannabe autocrats only fantasize about.
I suppose the biggest takeaway from the filing was that one insurrectionist shitbags make them riot line, shocking evidence that the massive conspiracy that lost more than 50 court cases actually accomplished one of its goals.
Anyway, I understand why the Dotards wranglers pulled him out of that 60 Minutes interview; aside from their entirely reasonable fear of granting the electorate a second side-by-side comparison with Vice President Harris, hes certainly colicky enough these days to issue orders more specific than stand back and stand by.
Not that his stochastic murder mob really needs concrete direction. Lets round up a few headlines from our exceptionally healthy democracy, shall we? I dont really know how to make jokes about this shit, so maybe just imagine Stephen Miller taking a pie to the face after each one:
An Ohio Businessman Faces Death Threats for Praising His Haitian Workers
As election threats rise, Justice Dept. says its options are limited
Philly-Area Republican Couple Threatened After Filming Kamala Harris Ad
yeah, I dunno, I think theyre gonna have trouble squeezing everything into just one day. (Did the pie thing help? No? Well, I tried.)
Oh, I almost forgot to mention it, but in a second Trump term, in addition to the menstrual surveillance and legal retaliation targeting political opponents, there will be no overtime. Populism sure is wacky.
Well, JD Vance poured himself into his very best skin suit, lewdly cooed Id fuck me to his reflection, and ventured out to play Normal Human Boy for the duration of the vice presidential debate. And yknow what? Since the moderators never asked him to order donuts, he almost pulled it off, but for the stuck hog squeal he emitted upon having one of his racist lies fact-checked.
JD needs his lies like he needs Peter Thiels money. Ol Timmy Walz really flummoxed him with that exchange on the 2020 election, too. Cmon, you gotta let me have the BIG lie, thats Unca Donnies favorite!
In the devastating aftermath of Hurricane Helene, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris rowed from house to house, looting Real Americans homes of belovéd family heirlooms to ship to Ukraine and/or undocumented immigrants. FEMA spokesman Notseth Rich proclaimed the disaster the most successful test to date of the Deep States weather modification technology, though theyre optimistic that as soon as 2035, theyll be able to target Republican voters in their beds, while leaving neighboring drag queen story hours unscathed.
thats what I read online, anyway. One wonders, with our misinformation-mangled media ecosystem, which will have further reach: Trumps malicious lies about the current administrations response, or the firsthand witness accounts of his own politicization of disaster relief? Guess well find out November 5th.
Either way, somebody should ask Marjorie Taylor Greene if theres anything those Jewish space lasers cant do? Wildfires, hurricanes, no doubt they make julienne fries.
Apparently Melania tried to charge CNN a quarter of a million dollars for an interview, no doubt buoyed by her recent success in extorting similar sums from the Log Cabin Republicans, and while I admire the confidence, youre probably only gonna see numbers like that from groups fearing imprisonment in camps in the Reich to come.
Amazingly, that merits mere runner-up status to this weeks champion grifter: Oklahoma Schools Superintendent Ryan Walters, who hatched a dorky little plot to steer his nowhere-near-constitutional order for 55,000 Bibles for use in public schools to his favorite celebrity rapist. Hes not gonna fuck you, Ryan.
I see Tom Cotton hasnt allowed the calamitous unpopularity of the idea to dampen his dream of gutting Obamacare. Im guessing injuries sustained at the hands of law enforcement while exercising what you quaintly believe to be your free speech rights will not be covered under whatever Tom and his fashy friends deign to leave us with, so this feels like a good spot to link to the Tester, Allred, and Mucarsel-Powell fundraising sites.
God will have his vengeance for separating Tina Peters from her precious magnetic mattress for the next nine years
according to Tina Peters. Not sure if the abovementioned deity was consulted in Peters plot to hack state election systems on behalf of a treasonously deranged bedding merchant, but best brace for a plague of unusually unintelligent locusts, just in case.
Impending Klobuchar belt notch Royce White apparently believes the bad guys won in WWII, so I guess Black Nazis are a bonafide thing, who knew?
Tennessee Congresscreep Tim Burchett called George Soros a money changer of the worst kind, which I think means hes extra Jewish.
Somehow, despite the normally foolproof strategy of betting everything on white supremacists and the inherent coolness of the letter x, Elon Musk has managed to piss, fritter, and donkey punch away nearly 80% of Twitters value. That said, industry insiders expect the free blue checkmark with every cross burning promotion slated for Black Friday weekend to turn the beleaguered social media platforms fortunes around.
In contrast, the Biden/Harris Administration remains the same job-creatin, strike-avertin, disaster-relievin machine its always been, but polls say Americans narrowly prefer the rapist who told us to drink bleach to steward the economy. You see why I drink.
Longtime readers no doubt recognize the transition to the traditional Rattling of the Tip Jar, styled as a beer fund as part of my adorable Drunken Scamp in a Bathrobe and Luchador Mask persona, Shower Cap. Now accepting Cash App, Venmo, and even PayPal.
Or, for the low, low cost of absolutely nothing, you can share this post on social media, join the email list at showercapblog.com, or follow @john_luzar on whats left of Twitter. Whatever you do, or dont do, stay safe out there, my friend
Beware Adjudicated Rapists Offering Protection, and Other Unnecessary Proverbs (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Dont let the lamestream liberal media fool you, ladies, Donald Trump will be your protector. (Protector is a synonym for rapist, right? I missed a few English classes, back in the day.)
(Hey look, its the obligatory link to my blog site, and all the helpful news links found there: https://showercapblog.com/beware-adjudicated-rapists-offering-protection-and-other-unnecessary-proverbs/)
Now, dont worry your pretty little heads over the fine print, but some exclusions do apply. No protection will be offered to dumb as a rock bimbos like MSNBCs Stephanie Ruhle, obviously. Should, at any point, any blood come out of your wherever, protection will be rescinded.
Women who recount their sexual assault at Trumps hands in election season ads probably shouldnt get their hopes up, though theres certainly strength in numbers.
Otherwise, youre in for so dang much protection, you will no longer be thinking about abortion, mostly because youll be jailed for criticizing the illegitimate SCOTUS majority that stole your bodily autonomy rights in the first place.
Protection of Ukrainian women is to be outsourced to Vladimir Putin. Haitian women are to be preserved as scapegoats, and fodder for the Two Minutes Hate, have fun with that.
Incidentally, its no longer just Springfield, OH basking in the warmth of Off-Brand Orbáns magnanimous protection, (and maybe bomb threats arent considered symbols of security in whatever shithole youre from, but when youre here in Murica, youll do things our way, by gum) now Aurora, CO and Charleroi, PAre getting a taste of the immigrant-demonizing fun, too.
Gosh, Mom, dya think maybe someday, Donald Trump might terrorize the migrants in our town with a reckless campaign of racist lies?
Well, Timmy, if you eat your peas, and he gets tired of watching people leave his boring-ass rallies early because even a cultist can endure just so much ranting about Kamala Harris inventing a fake McDonalds career for whatever reason, and if you boo Zelensky really hard, anythings possible in America!
Truly anything. Why, for the first time since Steve King, a Republican Congressman was officially deemed
too racist! Poor, dumb Clay Higgins mustve fallen asleep at the back of the ghost bus during the meeting, he figured anything shy of the N word was fair game.
Clay tweeted out a little locker room talk, assuming the locker in question stores Klan robes. To hear Moses Johnson tell it, the backlash drove Higgins deep into prayer, where I guess God told him to delete the post, while offering a defiant non-apology, which was good enough for the Speaker, who believes in redemption
for unrepentant bigots.
Speaking of, Mike Lindell offered his Hitlerest discount code to date, pitching shoddy pillows to savvy white supremacists at the low, low, (and subtle, subtle) price of $14.88. Lindell claims this embrace of widely known neo-Nazi symbolism is mere coincidence, and golly, as the only lackluster bedding merchant to participate in the attempted overthrow of the federal government, I figure hes earned the benefit of the doubt.
Free speech absolutist Elon Musk has taken to banning Xwitter accounts that share the leaked opposition dossier the Dotard campaign ignored in lashing themselves to the electoral anchor some call JD Vance. Solid plan, bro. Now if you can just figure out some way to purge the information superhighway of every single trace of every single moment of Vances time as a public figure, he can begin the long, arduous climb out of the Lollapalooza outhouse where his approval numbers currently reside.
Youll probably want to start with all the things he used to say about Americas Hitler, before he came to see greater profit potential in obsequious hate-mongering. Dont miss these new revelations, when JD groused his future running mate thoroughly failed to deliver on his economic populism amidst the multitudinous other debacles of his disastrous term.
Then youd best scrub all evidence of the company Vance keeps, lest the public discover his pal Tucker Carlsons conversations with Roseanne Barr, about how us libs eat not just cats and dogs, but human babies. (Please. As if I could afford baby in this economy.) Probably wise to preemptively sweep his upcoming appearance on Christofascist Lance Wallnaus traveling blasphemy tour under the rug, too.
Oh, and make sure to wipe out the egg thing! JD had the grocery store set up just how he likes it, full of normal, human shoppers primed for the normal, human interactions that are his forte, plus plenty of egg cartons, astronomically marked up, in Kamalas own handwriting, but alas, tricksy Haitian migrants switched the price tags a split second before the cameras started rolling.
Those bastards at Newsmax settled their defamation suit with Smartmatic, cheating us out of what wouldve been an absolutely hilarious trial. Dont get me wrong, Im happy to see these voting machine companies get the justice theyre owed, but just once, we deserve to watch some scumbag lawyer squirm their way through well, Your Honor, uncritically platforming the nonsensical ravings of a self-proclaimed cactus artist seemed like solid journalistic practice at the time, because, um
wow, we really didnt settle, huh?
RFK Jr. has managed to keep busy since dropping out of the Presidential race, fighting to get added to some states ballots, but removed from others, depending on his rapey new boss needs, while using his platform as a campaign surrogate to raise awareness for a cause near and dear to every right-thinking patriots heart: American teens decreased sperm count. Big congrats to any and all journalists who mayve blown up their careers sexting this whale-decapitating, teen-sperm-count-obsessed nepo baby.
The dastardly Deep State treacherously targeted Democratic New York City Mayor Eric Adams, in retribution for kinda sorta staking out ground in the general vicinity of Trumps position on immigration, surely. Particularly wily of them to entrap Adams into leaving a genuinely buffoonish trail of evidence of his crimes, but thats how they getcha.
I see Rudy Giuliani collided with yet another branch on his long, slow, slapstick plummet from the Tree of Consequences, getting officially disbarred in Washington, D.C. And while I certainly enjoyed that, hes been disbarred before, yknow? I need new, boundary-pushing Rudy comeuppance content, ideally some sort of pratfall into livestock excrement. Fresher the better, if Im allowed requests.
In the unlikely event that theres a spare hundred grand in your bank account after the Trump Bucks and Bibles and NFTs, (to say nothing of the tithe for your portion of the Turd Emperors massive legal debts) well, why not piss it away on a shitty Trump watch? Take a number and form a reasonably orderly throng at the trough, ya fuckin rubes.
Mass resignations rocked Mark Robinsons gubernatorial campaign, likely owing to the staffs fear of getting pissed on, cuz the Nazi stuff didnt seem to bother anybody when the candidate was enthusiastically bellowing some folks need killing. Reports that Robinson vindictively peed at/upon departing staffers as they fled are unconfirmed at press time, though rumors abound over at Nude Africa.
In a probable violation of House ethics rules, freshman Republican Congresscreep Anthony DEsposito hired both his lover and his fiancées daughter, a scandal so quaint and old-fashioned as to merit bullying within the feral MAGA caucus. Whatsamatter, Anthony? Scared to take a high school girl to a drug-fueled sex party? Oh, youve got a mistress? Thats adorable, have you paid for her abortion yet? Call me when you get caught trying to bribe staffers into carrying your child, dork.
Like, look at Marjorie Taylor Greenes boyfriend, urging people to ethnically profile voters at their local precinct, and still has time to Karen the fuck out over being denied bottomless salad bar privileges at Jasons Deli. Youre a fucking amateur, DEsposito.
Lindsey Graham took a little weekend getaway to Nebraska, hoping to convince the states Republicans to change the rules at the last possible moment, to award the Dotard the 2nd districts electoral vote without all that pesky democracy. Lindsey being Lindsey, he failed completely, the latest setback in his quest to reclaim that spot at the foot of the bed down in Marm-a-Lago from Jason Miller.
Tommy Tuberville referred to Vice President Harris as the first-ever AI presidential candidate, further evidence that there are no more than nine words in the entire English language he understands. In a different time and place, be wouldve called her the Y2K candidate, or the Syringe in a Pepsi Can candidate.
A Harris campaign office in Tempe, Arizona was damaged by gunfire, prompting soul-searching, apologies, and a movement-wide pledge throughout MAGA culture to tone down the anti-Democratic rhetoric. Or at least thats what the flying pig told me.
Apparently, Mitt Romney is preparing for life as an enemy of the state under a restored Turd Reich, bullet-proofing the car elevator, bodyguards for the dressage horses, that sort of thing. Shame he wont enjoy the same protection as all those lucky ladies, dontcha think?
Alex Jones ill-gotten assets are, at long last, to be auctioned off to pay the $1.4 billion he owes the Sandy Hook families he terrorized for years. Im thinking about making an offer, so forgive me for rattling the ol tip jar a little more vigorously this week.
Normally, I ask for a few bucks for beer money, (now accepting Venmo, Cash App and PayPal, by the way) but in my quest to lead Jones misguided flock back to the light, I may have to match InfoWars full street value, currently estimated as high as $42.58 plus those expired soup cans at the back of the pantry youve been meaning to throw out.
Or, as always, support these blatherings for free, by sharing em on social media, signing up on the email list at showercapblog.com, or following @john_luzar over at the House Elon Wrecked. And for the love of Pete, stay safe out there, my friends
Pet Eating, Black Nazis...Are We Absolutely Certain This is Real Life? (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, this time, the Secret Service caught the little dipshit before he could get any rounds off, but honestly, if you dont get to wear a ceremonial ear diaper, does it even count as an assassination attempt?
(You know the drill. Links n bright shiny colors await ye here: https://showercapblog.com/pet-eating-black-nazisare-we-absolutely-certain-this-is-real-life/)
Anyway, were supposed to cut it out with the rhetoric now, about the military cemetery-defiling adjudicated rapist who tear-gassed peaceful protesters in Lafayette Square, because pointing out that hes a threat to democracy JUST BECAUSE he tried everything he could think of to overturn the election he lost, up to and including inciting a lynch mob, might endanger him further, which is no laugher matter, unlike that time Paul Pelosi got attacked by a hammer-wielding psychopath, that was hilarious.
Look, political violence is always, always wrong, most especially when it would cheat the world of the party well get to throw when that soft, sloppy sack of shit dies in prison. Thats when JFK Jr.s coming back, yall, flying a plane carrying Prince, Tom Petty, and a couple dozen enchanted, bottomless kegs. Do not fuck that up for the rest of us, we fucking well deserve it.
All Elon Musk wants to know is whens somebody gonna get around to shooting at some Democrats for a change? To his credit, he did stop shy of offering his legion of incel fanboys a bounty (or fifty percent off a blue checkmark for six months, anyhow) to do the deed, which I suppose might score him a point or two during his forthcoming interrogation by the Secret Service.
(Of course, the Dotard will never serve a day behind bars, not with his own personal, pet Chief Justice working pro bono, but we may as well enjoy the fantasy. Oooo, I just decided the guards found him in the fetal position, orange jumpsuit bunched up around his ankles, one tiny hand clutching his withered, dusty member; the other, Ivankas senior yearbook portrait.)
The Lügenpresse would have you believe JD Vance has been spewing racist lies, for they fail to appreciate the brilliance of his strategy of creating stories, about a horde of tabby-devouring Haitians, in order to draw attention to real issues, such as the increased murder rate in Springfield, Ohio, caused by the surge in admittedly-not-pet-eating migrants.
But thats not true either! you protest. Ha ha ha! Poor fools! Do you not see, Vance has cleverly concocted a story-within-a-story! The pet-eating lies were the shiny bauble to capture your attention, the murder rate lies drew you into the labyrinth, where you, you sad, deceivéd libtard, would have no choice but to face the inconvenient truth, that while these migrants may be neither noshing upon Rover nor murdering anybody at all, theyre certainly spreading diseases like HIV at a rate unseen in poor, besieged Springfield!
which is, of course, also entirely untrue.
Ah, but only now do you begin to appreciate the intricately structured fiction JD has woven, lie collapsing into lie, like a doughy, subpar, white boy fractal, leading to the ultimate truth, not about Springfield, or its essentially upstanding migrant community, but about the Republican Partys nominee for Vice President of the United States: that he is racist trash, who would happily see residents of the state he represents terrorized by a hate mob before abandoning his vicious little fabrication.
He knew it was bullshit from the very start, by the way. Seems the hogwash that launched a thousand bomb threats originated with a single police report, from a single citizen sleuth, who found some meat in her yard, and, with Holmesian precision, deduced, why, this meat belongs to my very own kitty-cat, butchered by the Haitian neighbors! from the available clues, which included, I have temporarily lost track of my cats whereabouts, and I am an incurable bigot.
Pretty airtight, youll agree. That the cat was later discovered, uneaten, might give one pause, sure, but dont let me interrupt you if you were menacing a grade school or anything.
Whats tragic is, Vance wasnt always such an unrepentant hatemonger, though hes actually attempted to delete any evidence of that. Anyway, when hes not siccing white nationalist harassment mobs on his own constituents, JD likes to unwind by plotting the reversal of Obamacares protections for Americans with preexisting conditions, and, you know, the sofa thing.
The moment weve all been waiting for finally arrived, when Donald Trump unveiled the vulnerable minority group he plans to blame for his imminent electoral defeat. Can I get a drum roll please? Oh wow, this envelope sure is sealed tight, gimmie a sec
okay, got it. And the scapegoat issssssss
JEWS! Obviously, they were heavy favorites. This is Jews 2,539th consecutive win in this category.
Golly, theres so much hate in the news these days, its kinda depressing. We could use a lil palate cleanser, dontcha think? Some kitten videos, or OOO WAIT I KNOW! Wanna hear something adorable? Mike Johnson tried to pass a funding bill this week! He held a widdle pwess confwence an everything! Im sure hell navigate the Dotards shutdown threat with grace and aplomb, like the big, tuff House Speaker he is!
Somehow, in between all the trials and golfing, Off-Brand Orbán found time to launch his very own cryptocurrency, (RapeCoin) which has to be the grifter singularity. Money invested in Trump crypto isnt merely lost, it disappears entirely from this plane of reality, as though it never existed at all. For pitys sake, at least get an NFT out of it, ya rubes.
Should he prevail in November, Mark Robinson would become Americas first Black, Nazi Governor, though I personally wouldnt commission artwork for the commemorative stamp just yet. Maybe something nice and Rockwell-y, of his sister-in-law pissing on him during anal intercourse.
Mark apparently mused that slavery should be brought back, so he could buy a few, which gives him something in common with Minnesota state Representative Jeff Dotseth. Now, nobody likes the rule of three more than me, but theres no way wed get three pro-slavery statements from Republicans in just one short wee-hang on, Im being handed an update
Anyway, seems Pastor Robinson enjoys Mein Kampf almost as much as getting peed on by his sister-in-law, which is to say
a lot. Yes, weve learned a great deal about Mark this week, for example: hes learning German, he has an Ashley Madison account, and he will not be the next Governor of North Carolina.
In contrast, all Matt Gaetz did was take a 17-year-old high school junior to a drug-fueled sex party. Super gross for sure, but no pee, no Hitler. I mean, obviously, throw both of em into a deep, dark hole in the ground. I assume therere differences between the Nazi hole and the pedophile hole, but Ill leave that to Dante.
Former Turd Reich Spokesfascist Sarah Huckleberry Slanders attempted to shame Vice President Harris for her (biological) childlessness, claiming her own children keep (her) humble, which, um, no. No they do not. Demonstrably. You could occasionally detect the faintest hint of embarrassment in Sean Spicers demeanor, but Sarahs sneering disdain for the truth is about as close to humility as the White Sox are to playoff contention.
Trump Administration EPA officials illegally retaliated against whistleblower scientists, who obstructed the return to American Greatness️ with killjoy reports finding new chemicals caused miscarriages and birth defects in rats, along with similar petty complaints. I mean, howre we supposed to develop mutant powers without chemically induced birth defects, ever think of that?
When the texts chronicling this misbegotten stretch of American history are written, the phrase Rudy Giuliani utterly failed will appear more than once. Hell, historians will link those four words to a hotkey, saving hours of labor. Rudy Giuliani utterly failed to book the Four Seasons. Rudy Giuliani utterly failed to realize he was in a Borat movie. Rudy Giuliani utterly failed to walk ten steps during the RNC.
Anyhoo, his latest utter failure was to establish personal jurisdiction in the nuisance defamation lawsuit he filed against President Biden, but next week could be literally anything. Maybe he gets his dick stuck in something, perhaps a toaster, perhaps an owl, who can say? Its the magic of Rudy Giuliani!
Look, weve all been misconstrued from time to time, and Rich Lowry stands before you today asking to be judged not by the slur which may or may notve been peeking coquettishly out the door of his subconscious, but by the years of ignorant garbage he has written and published, much of which has been every bit as racist, but, yknow, way politer. Six of one, half dozen of the other, says I.
Melania Trump asks, Why do I stand proudly behind my nude modeling work? I really dont care. Do U? Why has the media chosen to scrutinize my celebration of the human form in a fashion photo shoot? she continues, citing scrutiny which is occurring nowhere on Earth. Given her ol ball n chains insistence that there was an audience at the debate he just lost, Im starting to think maybe narcissistic hallucinations are sexually transmitted.
Speaking of the debate, I guess some folks need conspiracy theories to explain the Manchurian Manchilds self-immolation, which I suppose makes sense, because the game show host I worship proved incapable of resisting the bait he knew in advance his opponent would dangle must be a difficult thing to say to the mirror.
Near as I can figure, an ABC whistleblower alleged collusion between the network and the Harris campaign, died in a mysterious car accident, and had their face eaten by Hillary Clinton and Huma Abedin in a satanic ritual, all without ever existing in the first place. Neat trick. Good enough for Ted Cruz, apparently.
In a party where your presidential nominee uncritically platforms the fabrications of literal, actual neo-Nazis, it can be difficult to stand out as unusually hateful, but I guess Louisiana Senator John Kennedy likes a challenge.
Like the abandoned-in-a-dumpster love child of Joe McCarthy and Foghorn Leghorn, John managed to squeeze a genuinely impressive number of Islamophobic stereotypes into a brief, TV-friendly window during a Judiciary Committee hearing, culminating in telling the Arab American witness he was berating, You should hide your head in a bag. The hearing was on hate crimes, incidentally, which, it appears, the Senator is for.
On his Senate campaign website, Eric Hovde describes himself as a classic entrepreneur, who made a career out of rolling up his sleeves, getting businesses back on the right track, and building for the future, oddly omitting the smuggling $26 million worth Mexican drug cartel money over the border by airplane part, most likely because his sleeves were buttoned at the time, surely.
Neuticles, the company that manufactures cosmetic testicle prosthetics for neutered dogs, announced a massive expansion into southern Lebanon, wonder what thats about?
Ok, I definitely nailed the whole toned-down rhetoric thing. I think we can all agree, the real threat to democracy is the emptiness of my beer fridge. If Im forced to spend even a moment of this weekend sober, the terrorists win, so if you care at all about freedom, toss a buck or two into my tip jar, now accepting Cash App, PayPal AND Venmo!
Or, share this rant on social media, follow @john_luzar over on Elons fashy playpen, or sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com for free! Until we meet again
stay safe out there, mlovelies
Well, If I Absolutely Had to Pick a Favorite 2024 Presidential Debate... (Ferret/Shower Cap)
In lieu of a blog tonight, I have composed an open letter, to the American Broadcasting Company, which I hope you, dear reader, will consider signing:
(And, as ever, click here for nifty nooz links: https://showercapblog.com/well-if-i-absolutely-had-to-pick-a-favorite-2024-presidential-debate/)
Dear ABC and/or the Deep State,
As something of a political junkie, it was with great interest I noticed the two-hour block on your broadcast schedule for the evening of Tuesday, September 10th, 2024, labeled U.S. Presidential Debate.
Though Ive become intensely emotionally invested in the syndicated reruns airing on a rival network, of a situation comedy program titled Whos the Boss?, after carefully weighing my options, I decided to place my civic duty above my longstanding affection for will-they-or-wont-they romantic tension, albeit temporarily.
Image my surprise when I tuned in to encounter not the expected thoughtful discourse on the days leading issues, between the best and brightest American politics has to offer, but the gruesome, real-time vivisection of some aging, sickly, intellectually debilitated primate-adjacent-at-best evolutionary dead end, more suited to an R-rated Discovery Channel After Dark streaming service than prime time television.
Plus, I bet Tony and Angela finally got together, and I missed it, goddamn you.
Sincerely,
Shower J. Cap, Esq.
Yeah, Kamala dog-walked him so effortlessly, Putin got jealous. Ive never seen a whoopin that bad that wasnt accompanied by Jim Ross commentary. I dont think Ive ever fully understood that old Aesops fable, the Prosecutor and the Rapist, until now.
You remember that one, where this Rapist and this Prosecutor are having a race, and the Prosecutor says, My, my, what small, bored crowds you have, which makes the Rapist shit himself, and start rubbing the shit all over his face, forgetting the race completely, while the entire community watches, live on television? Boy, that Aesop could be surprisingly scatological when the mood struck him.
The moral of that story, as Hillary Clinton put it, is, A man you can bait with a tweet is not a man we can trust with nuclear weapons. Kamala just applied the ol show-dont-tell principle, is all.
The whole thing put me in mind of this really weird dream I had a couple months back, where the national news media insisted cognitive fitness was a major issue coming out of a presidential debate. Pretty wacky, right? My favorite dreams are the ones with wildly fantastical elements, like dragons that breathe pancake batter, or political pundits that hold Donald Trump to the same standards as Democrats.
The doddering old fop couldnt pass a cognitive test with the assistance of two-way radio earrings. If you showed him a drawing of an animal, hed probably just try to rape it.
He really imagines hes pulling off the Jedi mind trick with that dopey abortion answer of his, doesnt he? Waves his hand and goes, you WANTED it to go back to the states, somehow cant figure out why its not working. I dunno, man. Could be the stunted, ineffectual fingers, or perhaps the stunted, ineffectual brain.
When the topic turned to health care, we learned nine years of monastic study had failed to yield a concrete plan, though he does have concepts of one. While this response was widely mocked, I personally found it to be the most comforting of the entire debate, because lest we forget, the last time he turned the full force of his very stable genius towards an issue of public health, what he ultimately came up with was Bleach: Good for Tighty-Whities AND Your Insidies!
But it was an exchange on immigration that, I think, most clearly illuminated the choice before the electorate this November.
If youre looking for workable solutions to the real problems facing the American people, Vice President Harris is the obvious choice, sure, BUT if youre motivated by more, shall we say, fictitious concerns, I think we have to be honest, and admit she doesnt have as much to offer.
Seriously, whats Kamala Harris plan to fight windmill cancer? Whats Kamala Harris plan to keep furry kids from shitting in litter boxes at school? Whats Kamala Harris plan to stop George Soros from sending busloads of Antifas to your town to distribute rainbow fentanyl to trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
She doesnt have one. And you might say, Geez, Cap, Presidents have a lot on their plate, it doesnt make sense to devote resources to imaginary problems fabricated by actual neo-Nazis. Yeah, well, tell that to all the poor, innocent household pets that arent getting eaten in Springfield, Ohio.
Must be awful fun being a neo-Nazi in America these days, where you might just hear the vilest shit you can concoct parroted uncritically by the most prominent and powerful Republicans in the country.
Anyway, Hitler-grade dehumanizing rhetoric aside, Kamala made him jump through a few more hoops, until he was all tuckered out, and the umps invoked the mercy rule. With the masochoists pathological hunger for one final serving (scoop?) of degradation, he actually lurched into the spin room, pathetically clutching a Newsmax poll like a security blanket, in search of someone to drive him home in time for Wapner.
Hard to believe things went so badly with his fashy new gal friday, Laura Loomer, heading up the debate prep team.
Laura. Loomer. Hoooooooboy.
I mean, weve seen Wee Donnie One-Term turn to some genuine freaks when his backs up against the wall, but Laura Loomer is so racist, Marjorie Taylor Greene begged Jared Moskowitz to borrow the space lasers for just one quick zap.
Anyway, barely two weeks after desecrating Arlington National Cemetery, this 9/11 conspiracy-spewing psycho was his date
to the 9/11 memorial ceremony in New York City.
And I say date because yes, rumorsre flying, amidst footage of the two obscenely pawing at one another in public, though I believe these rumors are a plot to decrease turnout by causing mass suicides. Why, during the composition of this very paragraph, I ordered a railway spike off Amazon, and was only just able to stop myself from jamming it up my left nostril, by reminding myself of how beautiful and worthwhile life is in the immediate aftermath of a debate Donald Trump lost so decisively.
They dont seem to share my exuberance over in the wingnut media bubble, though a few prominent MAGA shrieking heads managed to channel their impotent frustrations into fantasies of an authoritarian crackdown on ABC, especially those dastardly moderators, who dared to fact-check their Turd Emperors blood libel.
Yes, even for a loser of Donald Trumps magnitude, so much concentrated failure has been rare. No wonder he's too terrified to debate her again. It mustve been like watching Erics birth on the very same day you bankrupt a casino. And that was before Tay-Tay endorsed.
As in all healthy democracies, Swifts endorsement was met with a wave of rape threats by leading supporters of the opposing candidate, and Im sure historians will struggle to explain the gender gap in the 2024 election.
Yes, this metastasized MAGA hasnt handled recent setbacks well, though they seem curiously unwilling to attempt any solutions beyond lets get even shittier, with Off-Brand Orbán himself leading the charge, threatening to prosecute his political opponents, vowing to deliver a bloody story of mass deportation to the soft, sloppy horde of white mediocrity he leads.
And whether its Texas AG Ken Paxton suing for access to the records of women seeking out-of-state abortions, Missouri Secretary of State Jay Ashcroft attempting to decertify an abortion rights ballot measure, or Ron DeSantis dispatching his election police to harass petition signers at home, theyre anything but shy about abusing state power to suppress Americans fundamental rights.
Of course, the attack on Springfield, Ohios Haitian community is going exactly according to plan. Bomb threats emptying schools, immigrants fearing for their safety; why, JD Vance was so pleased with his role in the affair, he took a celebratory swim, with his shirt on, like the exceptionally non-weird fellow he is, ahead of his interview with Hitler apologist-platforming Tucker Carlson!
Theyre running anti-Semitic ads in Michigan, highlighting Vice President Harris marriage to one of those you-know-whats, targeting any Muslim voters who somehow havent heard anything else Donald Trump has ever said.
Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin isnt ready to commit to the peaceful transfer of power just yet. In his defense, Markwayne was only in the House during the last insurrection, and Josh Hawley has promised to share his scampering route to the best hidey-hole next time.
Tommy Tuberville resumed his one-doofus war on U.S. military readiness, unilaterally obstructing the promotion of a top aide to Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin, to raise awareness that Tommy Tuberville is So a Senator, With Power n Everything. Everyone is very impressed, Im sure.
Speaking of playing the hits, Speaker Moses pulled a bill at the last minute, because he doesnt have the votes, a CR to keep the government open this time. Golly, were one Lauren Boebert handjob away from a full-on 2023 revival.
Okay, the labradoodle I snatched from the downstairs neighbors aint gonna fricassee itself, I suppose, so Ill sign off here. The plan is to drink until the part of my brain that houses memories of the Trump/Loomer story is good and dead.
Thats gonna take a fair amount of beer, so feel free to toss a buck or two into the ol tip jar (which now accepts Cash App, Venmo AND PayPal), or, support the blog for free by sharing this post on social media, following @john_luzar over at the House Elon Broke, (he hasnt threatened to rape me
yet) or signing up on the email list at showercapblog.com! I appreciate you folks! Until next time
stay safe out there!
Strange Bedfellows and Useful Idiots. And Some Third Thing, Probably (Ferret/Shower Cap)
So, this blog site went live exactly seven years ago today, aiming to chronicle the kookiness of the kakistocracy-curious creeps whod infested my beloved countrys government. And after each and every post, my most fervent wish has been to run out of material, to turn yall away with a mournful Outside of a brief, largely courteous Wyden/Romney spat over public land use, nothing of note occurred this week, sorry.
well, maybe next time. (And as always, get links n such here: https://showercapblog.com/strange-bedfellows-and-useful-idiots-and-some-third-thing-probably/)
A lot has changed in those seven years. For instance, though it feels like ancient history nowadays, once upon a time, our political press believed an aging politicians merest slip of the tongue merited days of breathless commentary; now, a visibly decomposing septuagenarian can yammer incoherently on the leading issues of the day, indeed, can belch up gibberish thats barely discernible as English, with nary a mention in the morning paper.
Shoot, he can even forget who hes running against, and not one single column demanding his immediate withdrawal from the race will appear! Silly rabbit, standards are for Democrats!
And sure, he took no questions at the latest press conference he duped the media into attending, opting instead to utilize their proffered platform to further defame and harass several of the women hes sexually assaulted, but on the other hand, ethically and substantially equal in every way to the previously mentioned rapey hand, Kamala Harris appears to have flip-flopped on the issue of paper straws.
At said press conference, the preferred candidate of American evangelicals dismissed one of his many accusers, by saying, She would not have been the chosen one.
The chosen one.
(This space left blank to give the reader time to wipe the vomit off their keyboard/screen)
He wont rape just anybody, yknow. You have to look more than a little like his daughter, (the hot one, not Tiffany) for a start. Then, you gotta pass a cognitive test. Yes, all of it, even the really tough bits, with the drawings of farm animals.
As this adjudicated rapist, this felon 34 times over, schleps and whines and sleep-farts his way from trial to trial, (congrats on the sentencing delay, by the way) its worth noting that one cop-killer whose sentence he commuted has already been convicted again, this time of assaulting his wife. Of course, you wouldnt see shenanigans like that in a second Trump term, not under Attorney General Enrique Tarrio.
Sometimes you need a strongman, proclaimed the weakest man alive, retreating into his favorite fantasy, the one where Viktor Orbán swaddles him in a blanket, and whisks him away to his magical castle in Hungary, where dictators get the most ice cream scoops no matter what, and absolutely no prosecutors, special or otherwise, are allowed, enforced by a dragon.
Republican thoughts and prayers once again failed to prevent the latest school shooting, further evidence that they are idiots, despised by God.
Its hard to blame Him. To JD Vance, all this eminently preventable carnage is merely a fact of life, so I guess the rest of the developed world is populated by some superior life form, one less willing to see its children butchered, if perhaps a trifle incapable of accurately evaluating the worth of Oasis tickets.
Sure as the tide rolls in, kids whove already been investigated by the FBI for threatening a school shooting will receive semi-automatic rifles as Xmas gifts, hectored JD, Are we supposed to ban Santa Claus?
Vances proposed solution? You guessed it, MORE GUNS in schools, only with ivermectin-laced bullets now, so the slaughtered children wont have to worry about Covid, or worms. Because being death cult clergy means never having to say a single word that makes a lick of fucking sense.
The estate of Isaac Hayes joined the ever-lengthening list of entities to defeat the Dotard in court, though I suppose if you cant even overturn one measly presidential election, what chance would you possibly have against Black Moses? And look, ABBA and Céline Dion wait in the wings, for their own turn with the paddle of copyright law.
Without the benefit of intellectual property protections, we may have to fall back upon constitutional provisions against cruel and unusual punishment to safeguard the public from Tom Petty-defiling RNC Chair Lara Trumps latest single. On the other hand, maybe if we feed it into these newfangled AI thingamajigs, itll short em out from within. On the other other hand, that might be precisely the sort of thing that would lead a machine intelligence to determine humanity is a menace in immediate need of total eradication.
Melanias got a memoir coming out, too. I was able to obtain an advance copy, and I think it might surprise you. The chapter where she discusses her husbands brush with Covid-19 was particularly moving. All those long, lonely nights, listlessly perusing the prenup
riveting stuff.
Nick Fuentes doesnt understand where it all went so wrong. His Turd Emperor told him they stole the 2020 election from him, and would a rapist who stole from charity and cheated on multiple wives and stiffed contractors and defrauded banks and insurers lie? I mean sure, he lied about crowd size and colluding with Russia and September 11th and the path of a hurricane, but would he lie about the integrity of our federal elections?
One wonders if falling for such a blatant con might lead young Nickward to question his belief in his own racial supremacy. Barring that, one wonders how to get in touch with him regarding the opportunities for profit Amway offers.
Furious indignation reverberated throughout the right-wing disinformation ecosystem, in the wake of revelations that many of MAGA medias leading dipshits have been unwittingly operating as useful idiots for Vlad Putins murderous regime.
WHERES MY CUT? demanded Tulsi Gabbard. I spread way more Kremlin propaganda, whinged Candace Owens, Besides, Tim Pools just gonna spend those rubles on beanies and waifu pillows!Tell Mr. Putin it would probably be easiest if he wrote the check directly to the Sandy Hook families I terrorized, bleated Alex Jones.
Of course, its Pool, and Benny Johnson, and their ilk, whore the Real Victims Here️, according to a bunch of Republicans whore definitely not sweating over the idea of DoJ looking into their own revenue streams. Sorry, Senator Rubio, preexisting political opinions arent covered under the Foreign Agents Registration Act.
Golly, Its getting sos an enterprising young wingnut grifter cant even engorge himself at the trough of a hostile foreign power. Why, mean ol Merrick even indicted Dimitri Simes, longtime advisor to Senator Rand Paul, and Individual One himself.
Tucker Carlson, having all but dissipated into irrelevancy, sat seething on the sofa, watching Jesse Watters diddle away his diligently indoctrinated prime time Fox audience on garden-variety MRA piffle about the inherent girlymanness of drinking a vanilla ice cream shake through a straw*, and knew hed need a big, fat, dumb stunt to win back the attention of the rubes he lost in his acrimonious divorce from the Murdochs.
Enter Holocaust revisionist Darryl Cooper. Revisionist, rather than outright denialist, in that he believes the Holocaust happened, but that it was Churchills fault, for being such a meanie to Hitler, who only wanted everyone to have bunnies and cupcakes and hugs. (Much nicer than fuddy-duddy Winstons blood, toil, tears, and sweat, I'm sure youll agree.)
Which is horseshit, of course, but if theres one thing white supremacists love, its being lied to, (see Fuentes, Nick) especially about their loser movements loser history. And if you dont believe me, Ive got seven years worth of blog archives to prove it.
Anyway, Tucker definitely got the attention he wanted, so much so that JD Vance said, Me next! because he wanted to sit in the Hitler apologists chair while it was still warm. Also probably to sniff it, but I imagine theyll edit that part out.
Terrible news, comrades! That damnable Ron Johnson uncovered the truth about our dastardly Deep State proto-Jade Helm known as the Great Depression. Ah, we were fools to believe we could ever slip anything past a genius of such caliber, particularly after he single-handedly unmasked our elaborate pandemic hoax.
An armed standoff between McDonalds Truthers (who believe Kamala Harris never worked at McDonalds) and Accent Truthers (who believe Kamala Harris uses a fake southern accent) thankfully ended without bloodshed, when the leaders of the two factions met face to face, and realized they were the Bundy brothers.
Seems North Carolina Republican gubernatorial candidate Mark Robinson may have a few skeletons in his closet, though they are believed to be safely hidden behind the mountains of pornographic videocassettes, and the stolen Girl Scout cookies.
With Liz and Dick Cheney endorsing Vice President Harris, Team Rapist unveiled some defectors of their own: a few distant cousins of Tim Walz, take that, libtards! They may not be able to pass fifth grade English, but at least they got to meet Hulk Hogan. (UPDATE: its been brought to my attention that they did not actually get to meet Hulk Hogan. In my defense, I made that up.)
A fistfight broke out at a Saline County, Arkansas Republican Committee meeting, because these lil guys get crabby if you dont let em run around in the yard, maybe violently disrupt a government proceeding now and then. Youre lucky they didnt shit on the floor.
Okay, Im off to celebrate my seventh blogiversary, by binge drinking until I can wrap my head around how I wound up in a coalition with Dick Freakin Cheney.
As always, you can contribute to my degeneracy via my tip jar (now accepting Cash App, PayPal, AND Venmo), or by sharing this post on social media, signing up on the email list at showercapblog.com, (seven years old today!) or following @john_luzar over on Elons hopelessly busted, post-decency playground, where I am doomed to spend all eternity.
*REAL men dip their balls in their milkshake, absorbing it through scrotal osmosis.
I'm Still Undecided, But I'll Probably Wind Up Voting For Whoever Defiles the Fewest Cemeteries (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Rich Lowry emerged, bloodied and barely alive, but beaming, from the deepest, darkest recesses of the Take Jungle, having been presumed forever lost in the dense underbrush of the DeSantis Can Still Pull This Thing Off, Dangit columns of the long-forgotten Republican primary, like some less impressive, in-fact-almost-never-right-about-anything Allan Quartermain.
Stop the bloody presses! Lowry bellowed, in an English accent, leaning into the Quartermain thing for whatever reason, waving his Take high in the air for all to see.
Eureka! proclaimed the opinion editor at the New York Times. And thus was the Take transmitted, by caravan, carrier pigeon, and steamship, back to civilization.
Lowry returned in triumph to the family estate, (called Blithering Heights or Dumbfucket or something) to rearrange the big game trophies in his study, in order to clear space for the inevitable Pulitzer.
Finally, on the twenty-sixth day of the eighth month in the year of our Lord two thousand and twenty-four, the Take was published for all to see:
Trump Can Win on Character.
And then, not two minutes later, Lil Donnie One-Term waddled out to desecrate a cemetery.
(Links n shininess are, as ever, to be found here: https://showercapblog.com/im-still-undecided-but-ill-probably-wind-up-voting-for-whoever-defiles-the-fewest-cemeteries/)
Section 60 of Arlington National Cemetery, to be precise.
Sure didnt take long for the famed Lewandowski Touch to reappear, did it? (For the uninitiated, the Lewandowski Touch refers to physically assaulting a woman for doing her job.)
Fading fast in the polls, the very worst human beings alive concocted an imbecilic scheme, to not only defile the graves of our fallen heroes with a cheap campaign stunt, but to spin their profanation as some sort of official memorial ceremony their dastardly Dem opponents refused to attend, opting instead to spend the day changing the kitty litter in gender neutral furry restrooms in blue state public schools, probably.
But alas, there was barely enough time to snap a few quick pics of the soft, sloppy fop, with his nubby little thumb in the air, grinning like he just heard Aileen Cannons latest ruling, before some killjoy ANC employee emerged, with blood coming out of her wherever, hemming and hawing about how they were breaking the law and had to stop, which is a shame, because they had this whole second setup worked out, where hed be standing on a grave in a big cloud of tear gas, clutching this Bible, it woulda been so fucking sweet, you guys.
Plus, they had to scrap a bunch of ads theyd planned to shoot, for his new digital trading cards (the official NFTs of suckers and losers!) his new picture book, My Ear Got Nicked for Your Sins, Now Wont Somebody Please KILL ZUCKERBERG, and his upcoming adult coloring book, Not My Type, depicting each of his twenty-six known sexual misconduct allegations, plus a bonus page illustrating what hed like to do to Ivanka.
So they shoved the ANC employee out of the way, and launched a big, fat warning shot from the MAGA harassment cannon, to intimidate her out of pressing charges. Which worked, because who wants to spend the rest of their brief, precious life looking over their shoulder for hammer and/or nail gun-wielding psychos? Oh well, Im sure the proto-fascist bullies will stop there.
Still, all this talk of laws and their enforcement has been exhausting for the adjudicated rapist who already had that superseding indictment from Jack Smith to deal with, further depleting those finite energy reserves of his. (And, as the oldest presidential nominee in history, theres only so much exercise left to avoid.)
Seems like only yesterday when my phone would tremble and shake, emitting terrifying weather alert noises every single time Joe Biden stammered, but I guess the public doesnt need to know the other guys lurching along the side of the highway in a backwards hospital gown, bleating that Jesus thought he won California, and people dont eat bacon anymore because of wind farms.
Hes also proposing sweeping changes to the U.S. Constitution, wherein flag burning would be punishable with jail time, but the first thirty-four felony counts for falsifying business records are free.
As for how he plans to vote on Floridas abortion rights ballot measure, well, hes forgainst it. Wait, I see he walked that back, now he sopporses it. That Kamala Harris sure is a flip-flopper though, amirite?
The Michigan GOPs cold civil war turned hot, or at least lukewarm, like a Tupperware container of clam chowder you forgot in the car overnight, as ousted former Chairfreak Kristina Karamo led her crackpot battalion against the almost-as-buffoonish-but-not-quite forces of Pete Hoekstra, setting off what historians are already calling the Battle of People You Pretend Not to Know When You Run Into Them at the Grocery Store.
Quick update, Im amending my prediction from a few paragraphs ago, in light of new developments regarding Texas AG Ken Paxtons law enforcement raids of Latino Democratic campaign volunteers homes, but Im confident the proto-fascist bullies will stop here, for real this time, give or take an insurrectionist riot or two.
Scandal continues to dog (GET IT?) embattled Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz, as James OKeefe released illicitly obtained footage from the antifa puppy mill he runs out of the Minnesota Governors Mansion subbasement, where canines deemed insufficiently photogenic for the all-too-temporary role of Scout are sold to gay, communist meatpackers.
Walz furthermore refuses to denounce so-called son Gus Walz, despite the latters now infamous display of familial affection at last weeks Democratic National Convention, and
aaaaaaaaaand I dont suppose I could convince anybody to get mad about the 20-year-old Nebraska Chamber of Commerce thing? Any chance at all? Megyn Kellyd really appreciate if you could give the tampon thing another look
anyone? Bueller?
Meanwhile, while JD Vance didnt have to face anything as challenging as ordering some donuts this week, he did manage to get booed by a firefighters union. Yeah, bit of a rough stretch for Peter Thiels third-favorite pet dork, but he finally started to look more like his old self once he retreated to his comfort zone: sneeringly repellent misogyny.
Speaking of which, the nation gained unwanted insight into Jesse Watters Pornhub search history, following comments vile enough to draw rebuke from odious ThFive cohost Jeanine Pirro, so congratulations on slithering beneath that low, low hurdle.
Tulsi Gabbards long journey around the horseshoe led her at last to the if not Promised, at least Settled-For Land: Off-Brand Orbáns hopefully unnecessary transition team. Golly, who knows which other poisonous, faux leftists could join her in a restored Turd Reich? Might it be Matt Taibbis voice indignantly squawking out the latest crowd size fibs from the bushes on the White House lawn? Or Glenn Greenwalds, perhaps?
Its a tantalizing deal, certainly. The last mold-chewed remnants of your good name and/or soul, in exchange for a few months of groveling, until youre discarded as a terrible, stupid person.
Hey, if the pots not sweet enough, what would you say to all the rotting beached whale meat you can eat? Cuz RFK Jr.s been invited to this party too, yall! (Though it does appear as though that cranial parasite ate the part of the brain in charge of regulating whether or not you end your ratfucking campaign in time to actually get removed from swing state ballots, so maybe bring your own roadkill, just to be safe.)
I saw a bunch of headlines about a Republican group claiming the notorious Dred Scott decision means Vice President Harris is ineligible for the presidency, and I got mad, because I assumed somebody was plagiarizing an old blog of mine, but no, thats real news from the real world.
Moms for Liberty finally revealed their plans for all those school library bookshelves theyve been so feverishly emptying. See, once the Rosa Parks biographies have all been burned to ash, theyre to be replaced, with Glenn Becks new teen novel: Are You There God? Its Me, Stephen Miller, about a very special white nationalist boy, who learns to overcome early-onset baldness with a magical can of spray-on hair.
H.R. McMasters new book details the ease with which the worlds dictators manipulated the Dotard into serving their interests. Nothing tricky to it, of course. You flatter him a little, you find a prostitute with a passing resemblance to his daughter, you get her to pee on him, and BAM: classified intel falls into your lap, right in the Oval Office.
But he can still win. On character. Rich Lowry told me so.
Ok, thats more than enough of that. For now, my short-term goal is to drink until I forget I live in a world where Rich Lowry gets to write for the paper of record, so if you would like to aid me in that noble quest, know that my digital tip jar now accepts PayPal, Venmo, and Cash App, and that your kind donation will be converted directly into beer, at the speed of fucking light.
Or, you can share this post on social media, follow @john_luzar over on Elons Busted, Unprofitable Wasteland, or sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com for freeeeee! Or you can do none of those things, proving yourself part of Mitt Romneys 47%, ya filthy taker! Either way, stay safe out there, old chum
Frankly, I Found Beyonc's Speech Wonky and Off-Putting (Ferret/Shower Cap)
поздравления, comrades! Operation Jade Helm VIII: Joy Buzzer succeeded beyond our wildest imaginings, and soon, we shall deliver these hapless United States into the tan suit-clad arms of our DEI hire and a mere assistant coach! Muah hah hah hah hee hee ho ho hah hah!
hoo. (Yadda yadda links n colors: https://showercapblog.com/frankly-i-found-beyonces-speech-wonky-and-off-putting/)
Yeah, for four whole days without a single pro wrestler, it went okay, I guess. I understand Melania has already plagiarized Obamas dick joke for that eulogy shes been restlessly tinkering with.
It was such an exuberant display of unity for the Coalition of the Decent, from Bernie to Kinzinger and back again, you just know Mike Pence turned to Mother to ask if she thought it would be a good idea to reach out to the Exonerated Five about starting some sort of Guys Donald Trump Tried to Murder euchre league.
Its a great big beautiful tent, and all are welcome
except the HAW HAW HAW TIM WALZS KID HAS EMOTIONS WHATTA CUCK crowd. Yall have to go to the other tent. I wouldnt drink the water.
You cant miss it, its the one full of mediocre white dudes pitching fits. It can be hard to tell em apart, so Ill give you a hand: the runty little weasel screeching that the Obamas are uppity is Nick Fuentes, whereas the smug creep with the projectile DunningKruger effect trying to make birtherism happen? Thats Jesse Watters. Just laugh derisively whenever anybody mentions Doritos, and youll blend right in.
Arent you glad youre not MAGA? Isnt it wonderful to possess no desire whatsoever to mock a neurodivergent teenager for (gasp) expressing affection for his father? Fuck it, having seen so many stumble over the lowest imaginable hurdles, Im gonna strut my basic humanity from here on out. Yeah, not only did I never make a single Paul Pelosi hammer joke, my bodys sixty percent water! My fingernails grow constantly, and I voted against the wannabe autocrat all three times!
Still, amidst the positivity and patriotism, I would be remiss in my duties if I failed to note the one demographic explicitly marked for exclusion under a Harris/Walz regime: Rapist, Insurrectionist Game Show Hosts. In a Harris Administration, RIGSH-Americans would be denied their right to engage in their peoples most sacred traditions, from violently overturning the elections they lose, to rape.
Why, mere weeks ago, one of our nations leading Rapist, Insurrectionist Game Show Hosts fantasized openly about the crime spree that lay ahead in the wake of the constitutional blank check issued by the Roberts Court; now, hes been reduced to trolling the wingnut media bubble for television personalities to tag along on his proposed Venezuelan exile.
Even with the polls and forecast models moving in Kamalas favor, (and I doubt hes getting an answer he likes from his Mirror Mirror Whos the Fairest bit, either) you know its the massive L in the ratings war thats reduced him to a blubbering mess, ineffectually mashing the buttons on his phone with those tiny, inadequate fingers, while Fox Nooz hosts insist they cant talk right now, theyre washing their hair.
Little did the unsuspecting libtards realize their precious convention had been infiltrated by a crack squad of MAGA Mata Haris, led by masters of disguise Matt Walsh and Mike Lindell, who wound up ensnared in one anothers respective honey traps, a tangle of starched flannel and shoddily-manufactured bedding discovered necking in a dumpster behind the Billy Goat Tavern.
(Dont worry, before departing for his clandestine tryst, Mike obtained permission from the 12-year-old who owned him earlier in the day.)
Well, the once promising RFK Jr. op had devolved into a Wile E. Coyote-esque ratfuck boomerang, so the GOP called Bobby & his Brainworm home. In between bites of the raccoon he ran over on the way to the press conference, the weird sheep of Americas most famous political dynasty offered extended musings on the age at which girls reach puberty, in addition to his endorsement of the Dotard, whichll look great on the mantel, between Kid Rocks and Catturds.
No wonder these clowns remain so thoroughly flummoxed by Coach Walzs normcore playbook. The swiftboating revival closed out of town, so the new smear is that hes a sleeper agent for the Chinese Communist Party, because he got married on the anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre, ysee, which admittedly explains the tank-shaped wedding cake bearing down on the petit fours personalized with each guests name.
In contrast, walking MAGA monkeypaw JD Vance keeps shambling through a grotesque anti-campaign thats barely an imploding drummer shy of a Spinal Tap outtake. Looks like all those long hours of Normal Human Donut Ordering prep were for naught, alas, but honestly, who could be expected to navigate such a fraught social interaction without earning a restraining order or two?
Rudy Giuliani and Donnie One-Term himself are invited guest speakers at the J6 Awards Gala taking place next month at Bedpisser, the tacky golf resort which somehow has yet to be seized by law enforcement. The race for most damning evidence uploaded to a terrorists own social media account category is particularly competitive this year.
Yknow, there was a time when getting a law degree, representing a domestic terror group, fucking one of the terrorists, and advising the others to destroy evidence ahead of their seditious conspiracy trial was a reliable path to the middle class in this country. As Kellye SoRellell tell ya, those days have gone the way of Mayberry and Crystal Pepsi. (In the distance, a bald eagle caws a mournful caw.)
Now that his buddy Poots sold him out on that whole hostage exchange thing, word is Off-Brand Orbáns been begging Bibi through back channels to reject any ceasefire deals, because I guess when youve got 34 felony convictions with 54 more queued up, whats a violation of the Logan Act, more or less?
A Trump-appointed federal judge in Kansas was feeling frisky, and decided to invent a constitutional right to own a machine gun. Now, in Federalist No. 10, James Madison talks extensively of the awesomeness of the Grand Theft Auto franchise, so I think this one will hold up on appeal.
House Republicans finally released their sad, flaccid Biden impeachment report, which found exactly zero impeachable offenses, but recommended impeachment anyway, if only for the sake of poor, dumb Jimmy Comers mom, who hasnt had anything to put up on the fridge since that finger painting of a duck driving a bulldozer, which turned out to be stolen from another kids cubby.
Well, after federal law enforcement rejected his initial offer of the key to Anthony Devolders safety deposit box in Medellín, George Santos pleaded guilty to a couple of felonies, as if any prison could hold him. As for the issue of whether or not hell be allowed to sew a fake collar into his jumpsuit, SCOTUS will hear arguments next March.
Hulk Hogan dropped a leg on his public rehabilitation efforts with a drunken, racist rant in which he offered to body slam Vice President Harris, no doubt costing himself a speaking slot at the 2028 RNC, and, more importantly, the accompanying 20 dollar gift card to the buffet at the casino slated to host, which was a big part of the Hulksters retirement plan.
Maria Bartiromo heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from another Texas has been messing around with registering undocumented immigrants to vote, which is, of course, nowhere close to true. Now, if Maria worked for a reputable news organization, shed be under the gun, possibly even forced to take it on the run, but she doesnt, so I imagine shell keep on ridin the storm out. I imagine these REO Speedwagon jokes arent landing, so I believe its time for me to fly.
Before I sign off, Id like to welcome the blogs newest sponsor: meet TRUMPY TROUT, the hot new animatronic male masturbator taking Cult45 by storm! 9 out of 10 incels say Close enough, although how the fuck would I know?
Of course, as longtime readers know, Shower Caps Blog is actually brought to you by BEER. And while the celebratory beers of August have been far sweeter than the Holy Fuck Were All Going to Die beers of June, the liquor store still stubbornly insists upon payment.
Make no mistake, Im prepared to turn to a life of crime if necessary, but relying upon the kind generosity of the readership seems safer. The tip jar now accepts Venmo, PayPal AND Cash App, so pick yer poison. And as ever, sharing this post on social media, following @john_luzar, and signing up on the email list at showercapblog.com are free! Stay safe out there, me hearties
P.S., I think we should all just act like Beyoncé did show up, and put on a killer show. Were allowed to gaslight them for a change. Just say Elon blocked it because she made up a little impromptu song about all the money he lost on Twitter.
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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 06:48 PMNumber of posts: 654