More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: US 240 Edition

Today marks the 240th Anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, and by tradition is the United States' birthday, which is celebrated with fireworks, cookouts, and great prices on mattresses!!!

The bad news is that we have four more months to go in an election season that already seems to have lasted about two hundred and forty years all by itself. The polls look good for Secretary Clinton right now, so hopefully this won't be the United State's last birthday.

(No. 23 in a series)

Some revisiting of older entries:

The list that will continue to inevitably grow:

* Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, Alan West, Todd Akin, Joe Walsh, Ted Cruz, Steve Stockman, EW Jackson, Glenn Grothman, Joni Ernst, Mike Pence, Ben Carson, and Robert Morrow are intelligent, rational human beings.

A few of the past mentions of Der Drumpfenfuror, updated where necessary:

* Donald Trump is qualified to be President because of his business expertise in multiple bankruptcies, losing money on casinos, and having high profile business partners sever their ties with him.

* Bill Clinton was a draft dodger for not serving in Vietnam. But it was okay for Dick Cheney, George W. and Jeb Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Clarence Thomas, Dan Quayle, Tom Delay, Tom Tancredo, Pat Buchanan, Donald Trump, and Willard Mitt Romney not to go.

* Getting sent to military school is just as good as actually serving in the military.

* After thirty-five years of bellicose anti-government, anti-immigrant, anti-science, pro-rich rhetoric it is shocking and confusing that an obnoxious, ignorant, racist billionaire businessman has won the Republican presidential nomination.

* A billionaire who made his money from inheritance, shady land deals, brain-cell killingly stupid reality shows, and incessant self-promotion has earned the right to say that working people's wages are too high.


* A guy who's been married multiple times and has a creepy erotic interest in his own daughter has the moral authority to call Bill Clinton sexist.

* Just because Neo Nazis and the KKK love Donald Trump doesn't mean he's a fearmonger pandering to racists.

* Barack Obama is a horrible tyrant, and the only way to save our country is to vote for a man who admires Vladimir Putin and Kim Jung Un.

* It is terrible that all of our jobs have been sent to China, so you want to elect a guy who has Chinese laborers manufacture his own "signature line"

* A sure sign of the Presidential toughness needed to deal with Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-Un, and Daesh is refusing to show up to a debate where a woman may ask tough questions.

* Donald Trump's business record is one of the reasons he is qualified to be President. Do not talk about Donald Trump's business record because doing so is a liberal smear campaign and he'll sue you.

* It is inappropriate of the Pope to question the religious faith of a man who constantly questions Barack Obama and Ted Cruz's religious faith.

All-New All-Different More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* Valid for Hitler Comparisons: A black man wants to make health care more affordable to more people. Not Valid for Hitler Comparisons: A bombastic bigot with a bad haircut wants to stop immigration, persecute believers of a religious minority, torture people, demand loyalty oaths, and punish those who criticize him.

* You're the son of immigrants and support new standards so stringent that your own parents wouldn't have been allowed to stay in the country.

* You can ignore your duties as spelled out in the Constitution if you don't like the current President.

* You think politics has gotten polarized and vile in this country. You approve of Donald Trump encouraging his supporters to beat up protesters.

* The Democratic and Republican parties have the exact same positions on race relations as they had 150 years ago.

* As the Constitution clearly states, Supreme Court Justices are nominated by the Heritage Foundation and approved with the advice and consent of the National Rifle Association.

* You've spent the last seven years making fun of everything Michelle Obama says or does, but are horrified that people are saying things about Melania Trump and Heidi Cruz.

* You resent satire that depicts conservatives as violent and misogynistic, and think the dumb whores that create it should be raped and murdered.

* Laws protecting LGBT Americans are "government overreach". Laws preventing the protection of LGBT Americans are not.

* Threat Requiring Immediate Action: Planned Parenthood. Not A Threat Requiring Immediate Action: Zika.

* A prized endorsement: a failed gubernatorial candidate who emailed pictures of a woman having sex with a horse.

* You complain about musicians "discriminating" against Christians just because they canceled their shows due to your law discriminating against LGBT people.

* You're glad the "Fairness Doctrine" was junked, but are enraged by allegations that Facebook blacklists "topics of conservative interest" from their news feeds.

* Discussing what Hillary Clinton's husband did in the 1990's is a valid topic for criticism. Discussing what Donald Trump did in the 1990's is a "low" blow and a smear campaign based on dredging up old, irrelevant news.

* A True Christian will forgive Donald Trump for cheating on his three wives, but not Bill Clinton for cheating on his one wife. Or her for being cheated on.

Because, of course, as we saw on the last list:
* The embodiment of Christian values: a thrice-married avatar of Mammon who doesn't know much about the Bible, lusts after his own daughter, and can't open his mouth without bragging about how awesome he is.

* "Acting Presidential": insulting a sitting female United States Senator on Twitter.

* The proper response to an editorial writer comparing Trump's campaign positions to fascism is clearly to call the writer a dumb Jew and suggest that he and all the other dumb Jews be shipped to concentration camps.

* Violent felons who have served their time should be allowed to have whatever firearms they want. Violent felons who have served their time should never be allowed to vote ever again.

* Donald Trump's campaign being broke despite getting the equivalent of two billion dollars of free, obsequious media coverage is a sure sign that he's the kind of financial wizard we want making Federal budget decisions.

* Indiana is in Mexico. New York City is in Afghanistan.

(I guess we shouldn't be surprised at this from someone who also thinks Hawaii is in Kenya)

* Four justices out of nine would have made a majority.

(I think we're seeing one of the reasons Drumpf has been bankrupt so many times--he can't freakin' count!!!)

I think opiods ARE involved here, but not in the way they're suggesting...

* Ethanol causes drug abuse.

Oh, just one more shot at Hair Furor's followers...

* Donald Trump's constant boasting and construction of gaudy buildings bearing his name in giant letters show that he's a humble servant of the people and God. Hillary Clinton is a dangerous egomaniac who's only in it for herself.