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Fritz67

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Member since: Thu Jun 23, 2005, 10:16 PM
Number of posts: 270

Journal Archives

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Herd Mentality Edition

It's October, so the leaves are turning colors, the retailers that are still around are stocking candy, everything has pumpkin spice in it, and the Presidential campaign is shifting into high gear. As high a gear as it can be when one of the candidates is a senile narcissist battling a disease he's insisted at times isn't real, anyway.

Anyway, time for the forty-fifth look in my sporadically released series chronicling right wing cognitive dissonance. I had this all set to release on Saturday, September 19th...then RBG died. I was ready to try again two weeks later...then Drumpf was in the hospital with the Hoax Virus. So maybe third time's the charm...Go grab a candy corn and let's go:

Reposts and Updates:

The entry that is in the list more often than not...
* Degenerate Perverts Unfit For Public Life: Joe Biden, Cal Cunningham (NEW), John Conyers, John Edwards, Al Franken, Katie Hill, Elliot Spitzer, Anthony Wiener; Great Americans Who Believe In Family Values And Deserve A "Mulligan" or Two Or Three: Joe Barton, Herman Cain, Tucker Carlson, Larry Craig, Steve DesJarlais,
Bobby Dyer, Joe Fain, Jerry Falwell Jr (UPDATED), Mark Foley, Will Gardner, Newt Gingrich, Eric Greitens, Sean Hannity, Curtis Hill, Duncan Hunter, Jim Jordan, Brett Kavanaugh, Nathan Larson, Rush Limbaugh, Vance McAllister, Roy Moore, Bill O'Reilly, Bill Sanderson, Mark Sanford, David Stringer, Clarence Thomas, Donald Trump, David Vitter, and Steve Wynn (#32, Feb. 2018)

Anybody wanna guess who it is before you click the link?
* You think mail-in voting is dangerous and potentially fraudulent except when you do it. (#44, July 2020)

And of course the selection of Senator Harris to be our next Vice President brought some familiar scum out of the woodwork spouting a new variant of some familiar bullshit ...
* Hawaii is part of Kenya. Indiana is in Mexico, and so are Guatemala, El Salvador, and Honduras. New York City is in Afghanistan, Germany, and Oakland, California is in Jamaica, or maybe India. (#1, Nov 2010)

* Kneeling to protest police brutality is not a valid form of protest. Slashing your own tires is. (#35, Oct. 2018)

As Crook and Liars put it, "Watch Donald Trump Jr. Brutally Murder Irony, Live On Fox News"
* You agree with Donald Trump Jr. that it's sickening how many political family members enrich themselves. (#41, Oct. 2019).

And let us not forget:
* Scandal: Hunter Biden's "lucrative business deal" in Ukraine. Not A Scandal: Donald Trump Jr, Eric Trump, and Ivanka Trump's lucrative business deals in Ireland, India, Indonesia, Uruguay, Turkey, the Philippines, China, etc. (#41, Oct. 2019)

* Valid for Hitler Comparisons: A black man in a tan suit wanted to make health care more affordable to more people. Not Valid for Hitler Comparisons: A bombastic bigot with a bad haircut wants to stop immigration, persecute believers of a religious minority, torture people, demand loyalty oaths, punish those who criticize him, build internment camps for children, refers to other human beings as "animals", threatens his opponents with violence, has his minions perform forced sterilizations, and, oh yeah, wants to gas people. (#23, July 2016) .

* Donald Trump is saving the American steel industry. (#42, Feb 2020)

And to no one's surprise, this one is being proven true right before our eyes:
* 2016: No filing a Supreme Court vacancy in an election year. 2020: Fuck you! If we get a vacancy, we'll ram it through in a lame duck session if we have to! (#44, July 2020)

All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* Absentee and mail-in voting are done completely differently.

* "Obamagate" is real.

* A lifelong devoted Catholic will "hurt God" more than a boorish avatar of all Seven Deadly Sins who had priests teargassed the last time he was near a church.

* You hate that the Republican Party is seen as a bunch of racists, anti-Semites, and conspiracy theorists even though your "future stars" are racists, anti-Semites, and conspiracy theorists.

* Not heartless: Trump playing golf while his brother was dying. Heartless: Pointing that fact out.

* The best way to win over women voters is to viciously and incoherently attack one of the most beloved women in the country.

* Celebrities should know their place and not get involved in political discussions. Exceptions: Gene Simmons, Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, Victoria Jackson, Dennis Miller, Scott Baio, Chuck Norris, Chuck Woolery, Diamond&Silk, Ronald Reagan, and Donald Trump.

* Donald Trump supports the Troops. And deeply respects those who made the ultimate sacrifice.

* You still think Russian meddling in the 2016 election in Trump's favor is a hoax.

* Good campaign strategy: Attack an American company that employs thousands of residents of a swing state.

* Donald Trump barely knew his campaign chief and White House political strategist, and didn't agree with that former strategist's efforts to (supposedly) build the border wall that Trump was obsessed with.

* From the same link: Donald Trump hates showboating.

* And one more: It was Barack Obama's fault that Trump hired all of these corrupt advisers that keep getting indicted.

* Osama Bin Laden died of natural causes.

* Because Donald Trump can't string together complete sentences in a coherent narrative that means nobody else can either.

* 210,000 dead (and counting) is "acceptable". Because they're "virtually nobody".

Remember that the next time some Republican says his party is "pro life" and the Democrats are a "death cult"

* Good Christian™ Behavior: a husband and wife having a polyamorous relationship with their pool boy.

I honestly wouldn't care about it as long as they were all consenting. But when you're a high-profile leader of the most narrow-minded flavor of Fundamentalist Christianity, the hypocrisy and "Do as I say, not as I do" of it is staggering.

* A woman who was bribed by Donald Trump has the moral authority to call anyone else "corrupt".

* Newest capital offenses: violating curfew; Bike Riding While Black; Trying to Prevent a Crime While Black.

* Joe Biden is being secretly controlled by vampires.

Verbatim from Daily Kos's Joan McCarter:
* If there's anything the guy who screams about antifa and Mexicans and Black Lives Matter protesters coming to rape and pillage and loot in the suburbs wants, it's not to cause a panic.

* Having to wear masks and not go to restaurants is worse than Jim Crow or the Japanese internment camps, and almost as bad as slavery.

* The Shroud of Turin has nothing to do with Jesus. Instead, it's Donald Trump.

* Tucker Carlson is a credible journalist.

* You were angered when a Latina congresswoman treated herself to a $250 haircut on her birthday, but are fine with Donald Trump spending $70,000 on hair-styling. And then deducting it on the taxes he doesn't pay.

* Democracy is bad for freedom.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Triumph Of The Won't Edition

Thanks to my brother "Ogre" for that title. It references the Nazi propaganda film Triumph of the Will or, as Fox News would probably declare it, "The greatest film of all time that only could have been even greater if it had Donald Trump in it!!!"

Time to take another look into right-wing cognitive dissonance, that would be a lot funnier if we weren't in a dystopian timeline where people who believed stuff like this are running the country (though hopefully only for a few more months.) Number 44 in a series! Collect them all!

Reposts and Updates:

* Criticism of a war veteran is disgusting and offensive. Exceptions: Max Cleland, Tammy Duckworth, John Kerry, John McCain, Alexander Vindman,Pete Buttigieg, and Conor Lamb. (#20, Oct. 2015) (Double points for insulting Lamb on Memorial Day!)

* Cutting taxes to big corporations will lead to job creation. (#39, July 2019)

* Degenerate Perverts Unfit For Public Life: Joe Biden, John Conyers, John Edwards, Al Franken, Katie Hill, Elliot Spitzer, Anthony Wiener; Great Americans Who Believe In Family Values And Deserve A "Mulligan" or Two Or Three: Joe Barton, Herman Cain, Tucker Carlson (NEW), Larry Craig, Steve DesJarlais, Bobby Dyer (NEW), Joe Fain, Jerry Fallwell Jr, Mark Foley, Will Gardner, Newt Gingrich, Eric Greitens, Sean Hannity (NEW), Curtis Hill, Duncan Hunter, Jim Jordan, Brett Kavanaugh, Nathan Larson, Rush Limbaugh, Vance McAllister, Roy Moore, Bill O'Reilly, Bill Sanderson, Mark Sanford, David Stringer, Clarence Thomas, Donald Trump, David Vitter, and Steve Wynn (#32, Feb. 2018)

* Mark Foley, Tom Delay, and Dennis Hastert were Democrats. Also, Donald Trump never met Jeffrey Epstein. (#19, July 2015)

All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* Everyone else must go out and brave the coronavirus, but not you. Nor your children.

* You think mail-in voting is dangerous and potentially fraudulent except when you do it.

Well, of course THAT'S all right--Kayleigh McEnany is a REPUBLICAN!!!

* The middle of a pandemic is the perfect time to sever relations with the World Health Organization.

* Bad Protest: "Stop murdering unarmed black people!" Good Protest: "Let us go to the beach!!!"

* A Good Christian™ shows his devotion by teargassing priests so he can do a photo op with a Bible.

* An admitted sexual predator who was impeached for trying to extort favors from a foreign ally has the room to talk about "law and order".

Oops...let me revise that...

* An admitted sexual predator who was impeached for trying to extort favors from a foreign ally and gives his friends Get Out Of Jail Free cards has the room to talk about "law and order".

* You're a member of the party who decries "frivolous law suits" while you sue Minneapolis from four states away for making your public safety expenses go up.

* Lynching should be legal.

* A man who was murdered by racist cops would be glad that unemployment during a pandemic is only 13%. Or, well, actually 16%.

* The COVID-19 pandemic is over, anyway.

* But if in the slim chance it isn't, it's Mexico's fault.

* You decry the violent demonstrations and wonder why the protests can't be peaceful; never mind that you also decried peaceful protesting too.

* Racism isn't the real enemy, Elmo from Sesame Street is the real enemy.

* It is just and proper to name military bases for traitors who waged an armed revolt against the United States of America.

* Because, after all, going to war to end slavery was "questionable".

* COVID-19 will magically go away if we just stop testing for it. Or even talking about it.

* "Slander" = Reporting the disgusting things a Republican actually said.

Nice of them to admit what we figured out years ago:
* The Second Amendment applies to whites only.

* You were absolutely livid that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton didn't immediately teleport to Libya and prevent four people from dying at Benghazi. You shrug at the news that Donald Trump didn't care about Russia paying the Taliban to slaughter our troops in Afghanistan.

* Doctors know less about diseases than lawyers and game show hosts.

* "Black Lives Matter" ="Symbol of Hate"; "Jews Will Not Replace Us" = "Very Fine People".

* Two people dying from Ebola in 2014: "Failed Leadership". 140,000 and counting dying of corona virus in 2020: "Stepping Forward".

Almost verbatim from ouija:
* Rugged capitalism for the poor, socialism for the rich.

From Jeff Tiedrich:
* The coronavirus is a deadly threat to Paul Manafort and Micheal Cohen in prison, but not to children in schools.

And another in the growing list of Capital Crimes:
* Food Fighting While Black.

* It's Dr. Fauci's fault that Trump didn't listen to anything he said.

* You're more worried about college football season than people dying during a pandemic.

* You were freaked out in 2015 by routine military exercises, fearing the US government was about to invade Texas. When the US government actually invades Portland in 2020, you're cheering for the US government.

I can't imagine what the difference there is. It couldn't possibly be the color of the President, could it? </sarcasm>

Or, to put it even better, as Proud liberal 80 did:
* Wearing a mask is tyranny, but armed federal agents with no credentials is freedom.

* 2016: No filing a Supreme Court vacancy in an election year. 2020: F*** you! If we get a vacancy, we'll ram it through in a lame duck session if we have to!



More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Antisocial Distancing Edition

(I was going to call it the "When I Said I Needed Brain Bleach, I Didn't Mean It Literally Edition", but it wouldn't let me make a thread title that long.)

(No. 43 in an occasional series)

I just can't come up with any semi-pithy introduction this time, so let's just get to the semi-pithy entries.

Reposts and Updates:

I did manage to skip one whole list without feeling like I had to repost this one:
* Degenerate Perverts Unfit For Public Life: Joe Biden (Updated), John Conyers, John Edwards, Al Franken, Katie Hill, Elliot Spitzer, Anthony Wiener; Great Americans Who Believe In Family Values And Deserve A "Mulligan" or Two Or Three: Joe Barton, Herman Cain, Larry Craig, Steve DesJarlais, Joe Fain, Jerry Fallwell Jr, Mark Foley, Will Gardner, Newt Gingrich, Eric Greitens, Curtis Hill, Duncan Hunter, Jim Jordan, Brett Kavanaugh, Nathan Larson, Rush Limbaugh, Vance McAllister, Roy Moore, Bill O'Reilly, Bill Sanderson, Mark Sanford, David Stringer, Clarence Thomas, Donald Trump, David Vitter, and Steve Wynn (#32, Feb. 2018)

Just a reminder as the Republicans heat up their smear campaign of Joe Biden's son...

* Scandal: Hunter Biden's "lucrative business deal" in Ukraine. Not A Scandal: Donald Trump Jr, Eric Trump, and Ivanka Trump's lucrative business deals in Ireland, India, Indonesia, Uruguay, Turkey, the Philippines, China, etc. (#41, Oct. 2019)

* Traitors: Alexander Vindman, Brett Crozier. Heroic patriot: Eddie Gallagher. (#42, Feb 2020)

All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* Teenage girls who speak out against climate change deserve to be raped.

* Be afraid of Corona beer.

But...

* The coronavirus won't affect anyone who supports Trump.

Plus...

* The coronavirus is good for America anyway.

* Newest crime: Driving While Black With An Air Freshener.

* You're more interested in taking away women's reproductive rights than fighting the coronavirus pandemic.

* Sean Hannity never called COVID-19 a "hoax"; neither did Trump.

* You can shoot the coronavirus.

* 2009: You were enraged when Alan Grayson described Republican's ideal health care as "Don't get sick, and if you do die quickly". 2020: Republican ideal health care: Don't get sick, and if you do die quickly.

* Keeping millions of people from dying is exactly the same thing as appeasing Nazis.

Which is a weird thing to say--today's Republicans are all about appeasing Nazis. Or being Nazis.

Paraphrased from Stinky The Clown:
* It was dangerous, infuriating nepotism when Bill Clinton put his lawyer wife in charge of heath care reform. It's okay that Donald Trump put his real-estate broker son-in-law in charge of COVID-19 response.

* It is infuriating when governments lie to their citizens about an impending pandemic, and try to hide it's severity. But only when it's the Chinese government.

Ungh. And the many stupid people in my state voted for this asshole...
* The economy is more important that human life.

I mean, we already knew that Republicans thought that, but they've seldom been so brazenly open about it.

* You're angry that after Trump told state governors that they were on their own in regards to COVID-19 testing, they actually went and secured their own tests.

Because, of course, more testing means more positive results meaning Trump's "Open everything!!!" blather looks dumber and dumber.

* Donald Trump is a medical genius. Because he and he alone realized drinking Clorox will cure the coronavirus.

Medical degree from Trump University? All that's missing now is him saying that mixing the bleach with Kool-Aid will make it work even better.

* Another sign that Trump is a strong, brave leader: Leaving a press conference rather than face the possibility of questions he doesn't like.

Verbatim from Dan Rather:
* Sarcasm n. a meaningless catch-all word employed in a vain attempt to explain away embarrassingly stupid statements.

* "Small Business": Ritz-Carlton hotels.

* You don't negotiate or give in to terrorists unless they're heavily armed white Christians and Trump supporters.

* Trying to avoid catching COVID-19 is unpatriotic, cowardly, and treasonous.

* Pandemic protection measures are exactly the same thing as a genocidal Holocaust.

* "Unity" = "Stop pointing out how badly a Republican has screwed things up".

* Being called out on your bullshit and lies is worse than being murdered.

* And another new crime: Jogging While Black.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Life, The Universe, And Everything Edition

There are a number of things that happen only once every four years:

* The Summer Olympics

* February has 29 days instead of 28 (well, technically, in years ending with -00 but not equally divisible by 400 they don't, but that won't happen again until 2100 and I doubt most of us will be here to see that)

* The Republican Party puts on a circus of the inane to find the dumbest, most bigoted asshole they can--and run him for President!!! Of course, this time they've already got the dumbest, most bigoted asshole possible in the form of the incumbent popular vote losing Donald Trump, so that part's already taken care of!

So here we go, on this Leap Day we leap into the forty-second look into the depths of conservative doublethink:

Reposts and Updates:

I get the sick feeling that this may be another one that's going to grow.
* Criticism of a war veteran is disgusting and offensive. Exceptions: Max Cleland, Tammy Duckworth, John Kerry, John McCain, Alexander Vindman, and Pete Buttigieg. (#20, Oct. 2015)

Among other things, a certain Arkansas Gubernatorial candidate brings to mind...
* George HW Bush, George W Bush, Jeb Bush, Jerry Falwell Jr, Steve Forbes, Connie Mack IV, Meghan McCain, Rand Paul, Willard Mitt Rmoney, Sarah Sanders, and Donald Trump are all self-made people and don't owe their success to anyone else's prior accomplishments. (#10, Nov. 2012)

* Cutting taxes to big corporations will lead to job creation. (#39, July 2019)

Total now updated:
* Wasteful spending: $18 million on Special Olympics. Not Wasteful Spending: $118 million so a billionaire can cheat at golf. (#38, April 2019)

And as always, remember this:
* Impeachable offense: getting a blow job from an intern. Not impeachable offense: conspiring with or blackmailing foreign countries to help you steal elections. (#29, July 2017)

* The embodiment of Christian values: a thrice-married avatar of Mammon who doesn't know much about the Bible, lusts after his own daughter, can't open his mouth without bragging about how awesome he thinks he is, and spends a prayer breakfast swearing revenge on those who tried to hold him to account for his crimes. (#22, Feb 2016)

All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* Donald Trump is saving the coal industry.

* It's totally appropriate that the United States government be more concerned about wildfires in Siberia than wildfires in California.

* Making less money and being criticized by the press is exactly as big a sacrifice as dying in the service of defending the country.

* Yet another new crime: Eating while black.

Straight from a meme mentioned here:
* People willing to testify under oath are liars, and those who refuse are truth-tellers.

* Impeaching Donald Trump would undermine the intentions of the American people, even though Donald Trump didn't win the popular vote in 2016.

From struggle4progress on the above thread:
* The President having unchecked power to do whatever he wants is an example of "limited government".

* Every time Hillary Clinton had the sniffles, it meant she was secretly dying of bubonic plague. Donald Trump's mysterious, unannounced, unscheduled hospital visit was "routine" and clearly a sign that Trump is the healthiest human being that ever lived.

* It's completely appropriate for Trump to bribe Senators who will serve as jury in his impeachment trial triggered by his being caught trying to extort Ukraine for a bribe.

* Impeachment for crimes you loudly admit you committed is worse than being nailed to a cross.

* Donald Trump is saving the American steel industry.

* Trump's trade war is helping the economy.

* You're totally okay with those close to the president of the United States, and maybe even the (unelected) president himself, discussing putting out a hit on a US ambassador.

* Donald Trump, who has provably lied over FIFTEEN THOUSAND TIMES in three years, can accuse others of having a "credibility problem".

* There is plenty of thick vegetation to hide in in space.

* The best way to show that gun control is unnecessary is to whip up a heavily armed, belligerent mob to wave around their guns and threaten politicians.

* "Abuse of Power" is a crime that can only be committed by Democrats.

* Having an account on Ashley Madison, a site that sets up extramarital affairs, is "inappropriate" for a Congressional candidate of the party that has a thrice-married serial adulterer who pays off porn stars as its standard bearer.

* You think it's smart politics to defend Donald Trump from charges of soliciting bribes from Ukraine by hiring a state attorney general that Trump had previously bribed.

* Spending three decades lying to your audience and poisoning political discourse with divisiveness and hate is an act worthy of a Medal of Freedom.

* Traitor: Alexander Vindman. Heroic patriot: Eddie Gallagher.

* Relevant to morality discussions: Pete Buttigieg's happy marriage to a man. Not relevant to morality discussions: Donald Trump's multiple marriages, during all of which he cheated.

* Donald Trump is responsible for the economic recovery that began eight years before he took office.

Speaking of a certain Medal of Freedom winner...
* The coronavirus outbreak is a conspiracy to make Donald Trump look bad.

Like Trump needs a conspiracy to make him look like an incompetent jackass who doesn't care about other people. I mean, his ideas for how to deal with it are...

* Solution to the coronavirus: Cut taxes for the rich and cut the budget to public health infrastructure.

* Senator Bernie Sanders once played football for the Detroit Lions.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Mister Bribery Edition

Mister Bribery is a character from Chester Gould's Dick Tracy; not as famous as Flat Top or Pruneface, he nevertheless has gotten a new life as a major antagonist in the modern day Tracy strips by Mike Curtis and Joe Staton.



See? Just like Trump, Mister Bribery is all about the quid pro quo. You see, they call it "prid quo pro" nowadays because all the fancy Latin words go over the heads of Trump voters, so they don't realize what they're really defending.

Mister Bribery may not look much like Trump, granted, but...

Waitaminute...



When he's not doing that weird thing with his neck, Mister Bribery DOES kind of look like a skinny Rudy "A Noun, A Verb, Self-Incrimination" Giuliani! This is all making sense now.

Well, actually, no, it doesn't make sense because nothing has made much sense for the last three years, but it's time for our forty-first look into the world of conservative cognitive dissonance.

Reposts and Updates:

I almost made it without posting this one this time. Almost.
* Degenerate Perverts Unfit For Public Life: Joe Biden, John Conyers, John Edwards, Al Franken, Katie Hill (New), Elliot Spitzer, Anthony Wiener; Great Americans Who Believe In Family Values And Deserve A "Mulligan" or Two Or Three: Joe Barton, Herman Cain, Larry Craig, Steve DesJarlais (New), Joe Fain, Jerry Fallwell Jr, Mark Foley, Will Gardner, Newt Gingrich, Eric Greitens, Curtis Hill, Duncan Hunter, Jim Jordan, Brett Kavanaugh, Nathan Larson, Rush Limbaugh, Vance McAllister, Roy Moore, Bill O'Reilly, Bill Sanderson, Mark Sanford, David Stringer, Clarence Thomas, Donald Trump, David Vitter, and Steve Wynn (#32, Feb. 2018)

* You show how strictly you follow the Constitution by wanting to ignore the First, Fourth, Fifth, Eighth, Thirteenth, Fourteenth, Sixteenth, and Twenty-Fifth Amendments; and especially the Emoluments Clause. (#1, November 2010)

* After Donald Trump spend the entire campaign blasting Hillary Clinton for using a private email server while conducting government business, you don't see anything wrong with Trump himself deliberately hiding things on a secret server. (#28, April 2017)

* You think it's impossible for Trump to obstruct justice because he's the president. You impeached Bill Clinton for obstructing justice. (#29, July 2017)

* Impeachable offense: getting a blow job from an intern; wearing a tan suit. Not impeachable offense: conspiring with or blackmailing foreign countries to help you steal elections. (#29, July 2017)

Once more goes to show you:

* If a Republican President does it, it's not illegal.

* Donald Trump proves that he's a humble man of God by declaring himself The King of Israel and The Chosen One, then bragging about his "great and unmatched wisdom". (#40, Sept 2019)

Jesus of Nazareth and Anakin Skywalker STILL both say 'FUCK YOU!!!" to that noise, Donnie.

All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* You don't want sick immigrant children or Hurricane Dorian refugees entering the country, but have no problem with inviting the Taliban to Camp David.

* Accurate weather forecasts are not as important as not hurting Donald Trump's feelings.

* "Responsible gun ownership" = Threatening to use your gun to murder a politician who said something you don't like.

* Posing in nude pictures makes you unqualified to be a journalist ora member of Congress, but does not disqualify you from being First Lady.

* More "Acting Presidential": Getting into a Twitter war with a sixteen year-old.

* "Civility": Insulting the looks of a sixteen year old girl who has a message you don't like.

* California's air's too dirty but they shouldn't be allowed to do anything to clean it up.

* "Heroic" actions = Screeching long-debunked conspiracy theories to anyone that will listen.

Paraphrased from NanceGreggs:
* Donald Trump--who's campaign manager and personal lawyer are both in prison--is deeply concerned about rooting out corruption.

* You hounded Hillary Clinton for four years over the made up Benghazi "Scandal", and are now helping Donald Trump avoid facing the consequences of the real Ukraine scandal.

* Scandal: Hunter Biden's "lucrative business deal" in Ukraine. Not A Scandal: Donald Trump Jr, Eric Trump, and Ivanka Trump's lucrative business deals in Ireland, India, Indonesia, Uruguay, Turkey, the Philippines, China, etc.

* It's perfectly acceptable for politicians to lie on Facebook.

* "Despicable" = Enforcing Congressional subpoenas. Not Despicable = Defying Congressional Subpoenas.

* New crime: Standing IN YOUR OWN FUCKING FRONT YARD while black.

* Disgusting and immoral: Kathy Griffin posting with a fake severed head of Donald Trump. Lighthearted and hilariously funny: Violent video that ran at Trump National Doral Miami depicting Trump viciously murdering political rivals and media figures who displease him.

* Cage immigrant children, let Daesh terrorists go free.

* Even more "Acting Presidential": Throwing a rude gesture at a woman astronaut who corrects your factual error.

* You agree with Eric Trump that it's sickening how many political family members enrich themselves.

ERIC. TRUMP.

Isn't there something in that holy book all the Trump-loving Evangelicals say they follow that talks about something like this? Oh yeah, there it is, Matthew 7:5.

"Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye"

But I guess because it isn't in Two Corinthians it doesn't count...and Evangelicals are practiced at ignoring things in that book anyway.

* Republican courage: Standing up to Donald Trump...but only under a fake Twitter account. Saying you think impeachment might be warranted...then immediately announcing you won't run for reelection.

* A rich white man being held accountable for his high crimes by due process of the law and Constitution is exactly the same thing as being murdered by a hate-filled racist mob.

* $50,000,000.00 is not much money.

More Republican geography fail:
* Colorado borders Mexico.

* Boos and chants of "Lock Him Up!" are expressions of love for Donald Trump

* You think it's dreadfully unfair to boo at a man who calls his political opponents "human scum".

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Category Five Stupidity Edition

Category Five Stupidity is in full swing, as "The Chosen One" deals with the massive hurricane swirling off the US coast by...golfing. And the greedy and bigoted people who support him are okay with it.

This leads us into our fortieth look at right wing doublethink!

Reposts and Updates:

And the list grows again:
* Degenerate Perverts Unfit For Public Life: Joe Biden, John Conyers, John Edwards, Al Franken, Elliot Spitzer, Anthony Wiener; Great Americans Who Believe In Family Values And Deserve A "Mulligan" or Two Or Three: Joe Barton, Herman Cain, Larry Craig, Joe Fain, Jerry Fallwell Jr, Mark Foley (New/Revised), Will Gardner, Newt Gingrich, Eric Greitens, Curtis Hill, Duncan Hunter, Jim Jordan, Brett Kavanaugh, Nathan Larson, Rush Limbaugh, Vance McAllister, Roy Moore, Bill O'Reilly, Bill Sanderson (New); Mark Sanford, David Stringer, Clarence Thomas, Donald Trump, David Vitter, and Steve Wynn (#32, Feb. 2018)

* The best way to keep America safe: cozy up to autocrats like Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un while alienating democracies and long-time allies like Canada, France, Germany, the UK, Japan, and Denmark (#34, Aug 2018)

All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* Air superiority was the key to winning the Revolutionary War

What...what was he smocking that day?

* Relevant: Jeffrey Epstein hung out with Bill Clinton a few times. Irrelevant: Jeffrey Epstein's twenty-year friendship with Donald Trump

* You're shocked when the anti-woman party doesn't try to elect more women.

* Being "The Family Values Party" clearly means supporting a stripper golf tournament.

* Capital crime: Talking to a woman while black (I almost said "New capital crime" but we know that isn't true.)

* You can accuse Democrats of using "foul language & racist hatred" with a straight face. You're Donald Trump, who started your political career calling Mexicans "rapists and drug dealers" and you used the F-bomb frequently on the campaign trail.

* Enslavement, lynchings, and segregation were "gifts"

Hunter of DailyKos pointed this one out:
* When only a handful of Republicans publicly criticize Trump, it illustrates strong party unity. When a handful of Democrats publicly criticize Pelosi, it illustrates civil war within the party.

Verbatim from commentor Navy Vet Terp on that thread:
* Democrats are radicals because some support Medicare for All and an as yet vaguely defined Green New Deal. Republicans are not radicals for excusing blatant racism, constricting the right to vote, supporting the removal of millions from health insurance, and denying science.

* You're tired of being called a racist just because you hate Muslims and people who speak Spanish.

* White supremacy is a hoax and "conspiracy theory". QAnon is real.

* Solution to white supremacists murdering people with high powered weaponry: Banning violent video games.

* There's nothing suspicious about the death of a high-profile pedophile sex trafficker and longtime friend of Trump, one day after incriminating documents were released by a court--even though the accused had been on suicide watch and he was under the care of a Federal department run by Trump appointees.

* Rape and incest are good things.

* Newest crime: Fundraising While Black.

* Appropriate birthday gift for a ten year-old? High powered rifle!

* Donald Trump proves that he's a humble man of God by declaring himself The King of Israel and The Chosen One.

Jesus of Nazareth and Anakin Skywalker both say 'FUCK YOU!!!" to that noise, Donnie.

* Best way to prevent devastating hurricanes: Nuking them!

Yeah, no way throwing a bunch of radioactive fallout into the ocean atmosphere could ever go wrong.

* The best place to track a hurricane is a golf course.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Freedumb Edition

Well, that time again, to look into the right-wing bizarro world that, unfortunately, we all seem to be living in. So as we prepare to celebrate twelve score and three years of the now-threatened American republic with cook outs, mattress sales, and the Very First Ever Yuge Fourth of July Celebration here's the thirty-ninth installment of More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

Reposts and Updates:

* Nobody celebrated the Fourth of July until Donald Trump had the idea to do so. (#37, March 2019)

* A TV personality who thinks germs are made up by liberal scientists has the room to call anyone else a moron (#37, March 2019)

And the list grows again:
* Degenerate Perverts Unfit For Public Life: Joe Biden, John Conyers, John Edwards, Al Franken, Elliot Spitzer, Anthony Wiener; Great Americans Who Believe In Family Values And Deserve A "Mulligan" or Two Or Three: Joe Barton, Herman Cain, Larry Craig, Joe Fain, Jerry Fallwell Jr (New), Will Gardner, Newt Gingrich, Eric Greitens, Curtis Hill, Duncan Hunter (New), Jim Jordan, Brett Kavanaugh, Nathan Larson, Rush Limbaugh, Vance McAllister, Roy Moore, Bill O'Reilly, Mark Sanford, David Stringer, Clarence Thomas, Donald Trump, David Vitter, and Steve Wynn (#32, Feb. 2018)

* The best way to keep America safe: cozy up to autocrats like Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un while alienating democracies and long-time allies like Canada, France, Germany, the UK, and Japan (#34, Aug 2018)

* We can impose tariffs on other countries by arbitrary whim, but it's completely unfair if other countries respond with tariffs on us!!! (#34, Aug 2018)

* George HW Bush, George W Bush, Jeb Bush, Jerry Falwell Jr, Steve Forbes, Connie Mack IV, Rand Paul, Willard Mitt Rmoney, and Donald Trump are all self made men and don't owe their success to anyone else's prior accomplishments. (#10, Nov. 2012)

The recent "Alabama Is Now Gilead" legislation reminds us:

* Life is sacred and precious from the moment of conception until the moment of birth. (#5, July 2011)

* Abortion is an absolute wrong even in cases of rape, incest, or to protect the life of the woman carrying the fetus. Abortion is permissible when the woman carrying the fetus is the mistress of a married, pro-life, family values Republican congressman. (#10, Nov 2012)

* You're opposed to abortion, but think children in war zones are fair game. (#18, Apr 2015)

* Abortion is murder, but blowing away police officers isn't. (#16, July 2014)

* "Big Government" is regulating plants full of explosive fertilizers. "Small government" is regulating what women do with their private parts. (#12, July 2013)

All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* The only thing Hitler did wrong is to try and exterminate all the Jews outside of Germany. If he'd stuck to exterminating the Jews inside Germany, that would have been all right.

* "Small Government" = Executing women for making choices about their own bodies that you don't like.

* Ignorance of the law IS an excuse, but only if you're rich and white.

One from DU's NanceGreggs
* "Jews will not replace us" is a chant in support of Confederate statues

All credit to cartoonist Tom Tomorrow:
* Trump has accomplished more than any president ever. Trump has accomplished nothing as president due to two years of witch hunts and deserves two extra years in office to make up for it.

Inspired by Creative Realms of Fundies Say The Darndest Things
* Fake threats: Climate Change, Gun Violence. Real Threat: Space Pirates.

* Newest Capital Offense: Investigating Donald Trump's crimes

A little more frivolous, but as a Star Wars fan I couldn't resist:
* An Empire run that blows up entire planets just to scare people isn't evil

* You don't want your kids learning Arabic numerals
Yeah, LVI% of the MMMCC people they surveyed are that stupid.

Thanks to TheFerret on this one:
* Giving food and water to immigrants is a worse crime than a pastor raping his daughter

* Donald Trump going on Fox "News" to whine is more important than the remembrance of the 75th Anniversary of D-Day.
Well, of course it is. I'm only half surprised that Trump didn't start speaking about "And you know who is forgotten in all this? Those good German boys who died there too! They were only trying to Make the Fatherland Great Again!"

* Iran should absolutely be forced to stick to the deal that Trump already pulled out of.

* Cutting taxes to big corporations will lead to job creation.

* It's absurd that a man who openly brags about sexually assaulting women and lusting after his own daughter might have committed rape.

* Tearing children away from their parents and throwing them into detention centers with inadequate food, water, and hygiene doesn't bother you. Calling those detention centers "concentration camps" enrages you.

* An internally consistent base ten measuring system is tyranny.

* An example of Presidential temperament is gleefully suggesting that a war hero from your own party is in Hell.

* It's not that fact that Donald Trump had to have Russian help to "win" the Presidency he actually lost by three million votes that's "destabilizing". It's pointing that fact out.

From Betty Bowers
* Good Christian Leadership: Yukking it up about an American resident who was tortured and murdered by a foreign government.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Orange of the Covefe Coverup Edition

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Orange of the Covefe Coverup Edition

It must be spring pollen or something, because the right wing doublethink has been so thick lately I had one of my quickest turnarounds ever! Only a month after the last list, time for the thirty-eighth irregularly posted look into the irregular thought processes of today's Trump supporters.

Updates:

* Valid for Hitler Comparisons: A black man in a tan suit wanted to make health care more affordable to more people. Not Valid for Hitler Comparisons: A bombastic bigot with a bad haircut wants to stop immigration, persecute believers of a religious minority, torture people, demand loyalty oaths, punish those who criticize him, build internment camps for children, refers to other human beings as "animals", and threatens his opponents with violence (#23, July 2016) .

* George HW Bush, George W Bush, Jeb Bush, Steve Forbes, Connie Mack IV, Rand Paul, Willard Mitt Rmoney, and Donald Trump are all self made men and don't owe their success to anyone else's prior accomplishments. (#10, Nov. 2012)

* Degenerate Perverts Unfit For Office: Joe Biden (New), John Conyers, John Edwards, Al Franken, Elliot Spitzer, Anthony Wiener; Great Americans Who Believe In Family Values And Deserve A "Mulligan" or Two Or Three: Joe Barton, Herman Cain (New to the list), Larry Craig, Joe Fain, Will Gardner, Newt Gingrich, Eric Greitens, Curtis Hill, Jim Jordan, Brett Kavanaugh, Nathan Larson, Rush Limbaugh, Vance McAllister, Roy Moore, Bill O'Reilly, Mark Sanford, David Stringer (New), Clarence Thomas, Donald Trump, David Vitter, and Steve Wynn (New) (#32, Feb. 2018)

And an old classic gets some new wings:
* Hawaii is part of Kenya. Indiana is in Mexico, and so are Guatemala, El Salvador, and Honduras. New York City is in Afghanistan and Germany. (#1, Nov 2010)

* Fertilized eggs are people but refugee kids aren't. (#26, Nov 2016)

All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

Thanks to sinkingfeeling for this one:
* Women and children fleeing violence in Central America are a "national security threat". Heavily armed white supremacists are not.

* You're far more upset by "Saturday Night Live" than you are racist terrorism in New Zealand.

* Knowing your rights is "Un-American"

* You supported the Discouraging Frivolous Law Suits Act. You also support Devin Nunes suing Twitter for a quarter billion dollars because other users there make fun of him.

* "Free Speech": Calling a prominent black Democratic Congressman the "n-word". Not "Free Speech": Making fun of a Republican Congressman on Twitter

* It's infuriating that John McCain didn't come back from the dead to thank Donald Trump for not going to his funeral.

* New Crime: Moving While Black

* Being concerned about whether a major party Presidential candidate is compromised by a foreign dictator is a "very evil purpose". Constantly acting in ways that appear to be exactly what that dictator wants is not.

* The Trump Administration and Republicans in Congress are trying with all their might to keep the full Mueller report from being seen because it clearly exonerates Trump of wrongdoing.

Because the GOP would have soooo bought it if Ken Starr's report was never released, just a four page memo from Janet Reno saying it proved Bill Clinton did nothing wrong, just trust her. Sure.

* A four page summary by a Trump appointee means the Trump/Russia investigation is over and should be forgotten about because it means Trump is innocent. Multiple Republican-led investigations into Hillary Clinton and Benghazi and butteremails turning up absolutely nothing incriminating means that Benghazi and emails should be investigated again because Clinton has to be guilty of something.

* The Democrats are fighting like hell to get the Mueller report released because they want to hide it.

* Wasteful spending: $18 million on Special Olympics. Not Wasteful Spending: $95 million so a billionaire can cheat at golf.

* A painting of Ronald Reagan riding a dinosaur totally proves that climate change is a hoax.

How...how old do you think Reagan really was, Mike?!?

* Best candidate for the Fed: A tax cheat and child support deadbeat.

This one is 90% verbatim from Bill in Portland Maine on Daily Kos:
* God has given his followers permission to be horrible, evil, child-caging, commandment-breaking human beings as a reward for being the most devout Christians.

* Windmills cause cancer. Cigarettes and fracking chemicals do not.

* A sign of Trump's toughness is the way he goes after dead people who can't fight back.

* You think it's unfair to demonize sex trafficers. But not Democrats.


More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Hazy Shades of Late Winter Edition

Well, you can't say "shady" without thinking about Donald Trump, which means it's time for the thirty-seventh installment of our occasional look into the world of right-wing cognitive dissonance.

Updates:

* Bill Clinton was a draft dodger for not serving in Vietnam. But it was okay for Dick Cheney, George W. and Jeb Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Clarence Thomas, Dan Quayle, Tom Delay, Tom Tancredo, Pat Buchanan, Donald Trump (Updated), Willard Mitt Romney, and John Bolton not to go. (#1, November 2010)

* You show how strictly you follow the Constitution by wanting to ignore the First, Fourth, Fifth, Eighth, Thirteenth, Fourteenth, Sixteenth, and Twenty-Fifth Amendments. Well, really all the amendments except the Second, and sometimes the Tenth. (#1, November 2010)

All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* You're from the party of the Willy Horton ad, the Max Cleland = Osama Bin Laden ad, Swift Boating, Birtherism, and Donald Trump; you once expressed admiration for the Taliban; and you think you have room to complain about negative ads being used against you

Almost verbatim from Newshounds:
* The death of migrant children in US custody is the fault of Democrats for not funding the Trump Wall that Mexico was going to pay for

* Rush Limbaugh is hip with the young people

* You decry an investigation with numerous convictions as "partisan witch hunts" after you were one of the ones leading partisan investigations of Hillary Clinton that found nothing no matter how many times you tried.

* Semen is magic

* Texas and Iraq are all inside the White House

* You scream about "Socialized Medicine" as one of the most evil things in the world, but go to Canada, a country with universal socialized healthcare, to get surgery.

* "Reasonable compromise" = Temporary protection for DACA and Dreamers, permanent racist border wall.

* You think Ralph Northam should resign for being a disgusting racist over thirty years ago. You think Mexicans are rapists and murderers, and that neoNazis and white supremacists are "good people" to this day.

* "Presidential Harassment" = Investigating credible evidence that the President and their allies illegally colluded with a hostile foreign dictator to steal an election and are trying to rip off the country. "Presidential Harassment" =/= Spending six years demanding the President produce his birth certificate, and then calling it fake when he does.

* Transparency of the interests of our leaders is bad

Maybe it would help if your interests weren't terrible...

* Germs are another thing made up by liberal scientists

* "Anti-Semitic" = Pointing out that AIPAC spends a lot of money lobbying members of Congress. Not "anti-Semitic" = Accusing a Jewish Hungarian who fled the Holocaust as a child of being a Nazi Communist who wants to destroy America.

* Constitutional Amendments are un-Constitutional

* "National Emergency" = A problem so requiring drastic, immediate attention that it "didn't need" to be done, and the man declaring the emergency can immediately leave for a three-day golf weekend.

* You're offended by Spanish in a Mexican restaurant.

* Big story worthy of massive media coverage: Celebrity files false report of an attack against him. Not a big story: Right-wing white supremacist in the US Coast Guard plots terrorist attacks to assassinate American political leaders and media figures.

* Nobody celebrated the Fourth of July until Donald Trump had the idea to do so.

* You're a second generation trust fund baby and think you can say the poor don't want a better minimum wage with a straight face.

* Democrats paid someone to steal absentee ballots to throw an election result to the Republican candidate.

* There's nothing wrong with thirteen year olds getting married.

* Paying hush money to the porn stars you had affairs with is the sign of a good family man.

* A lying, tacky, draftdodging cheat and proud sexual predator is a good role model

* Blacklisting conservatives who won't kiss Donald Trump's giant ass is more proof that Fox News is Fair and Balanced.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Smocking Gun Edition

(No. 36 in an occasional series)

Since it's December, let's check in on the War on Christmas...



Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican During the Holiday Season Today:

* "Happy Holidays" is a vile, offensive slur.

* A Turkish saint and a Jewish carpenter from Palestine were both white.

* "A Christmas Carol" is a horror story, the tale of a practical, thrifty Job Creator who was turned into a communist after being stalked and brainwashed by some ghosts.

And from the Jimmy Kimmel show:
* The true hero of "It's a Wonderful Life" is Mister Potter, the visionary Job Creator, and the villain is that communist George Bailey.

(All from #21, December 2015)

Updates:

At this rate, this one will be on every list now.

* Degenerate Perverts Unfit For Office: John Conyers, John Edwards, Al Franken, Elliot Spitzer, Anthony Wiener; Great Americans Who Deserve A "Mulligan" or Two Or Three: Joe Barton, Larry Craig, Joe Fain, Will Gardner, Newt Gingrich, Eric Greitens, Curtis Hill (New), Jim Jordan, Brett Kavanaugh, Nathan Larson, Rush Limbaugh, Vance McAllister, Roy Moore, Bill O'Reilly, Mark Sanford, Clarence Thomas, Donald Trump, and David Vitter (#32, Feb. 2018)

* You spend the entire campaign blasting Hillary Clinton for using a private email server while conducting government business. The daughter Donald Trump has a creepy sexual interest in uses a private email to conduct government business and you don't see anything wrong with it. (#28, April 2017)

* "There is a mandate" = Republicans won the last election. "Be bipartisan and don't overreach" = Democrats won the last election. (#18, April 2015)

And the drama with Pelosi handing Dump his lunch on December 11 leading to a lot of Republican whining about "bipartisanship" when...

* If the Republican-majority House and the Republican-majority Senate cannot pass a bill to be signed by the Republican President in time, the shutdown of the government will be the Democrats' fault. (#31, Jan 2018)

Because, of course, as I stated all the way back in the first list:
* Bipartisanship means Republicans and Democrats coming together to do exactly what Republicans want. (#1, Nov 2010)

All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* You support ending birthright citizenship even though your parents weren't US citizens when you were born, which means you wouldn't be either.

* You push voter suppression laws so draconian that you yourself have trouble voting (lol)

* "Toxic Language" = Reminding people that a number of Trump Administration officials have been indicted

* The Democratic takeover of the House of Representatives is a big victory for Donald Trump!

* But if it wasn't a great victory, it was all John McCain's fault

* Counting every vote in an election is "unethical"

* Breakfast cereal is a controlled substance

* You totally believe that a man who is afraid to go out into the rain would charge a school shooter.

* "Supporting the Troops": Insulting Gold Star families and POWs, then skipping the Veteran's Day memorials.

While we're mentioning double standards about Hillary Clinton and Ivanka Trump, a far pettier one:

* You were mad about Hillary Rodham Clinton using her maiden name, but not Ivanka Trump Kushner.

* Vocal supporter of public hanging = "outstanding person"

* The thought of LGBTQ children becoming farmers or ranchers terrifes you.

* You like tear gas with your nachos.

* You complain about the "Senate in crisis" when you're one of the ones who put it there.

* Spending $25 million on a probe into election meddling by a foreign power is too expensive. Spending $83 million to send a billionaire on golf trips is not.


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