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Top 10 Conservative Idiots #13: Fear The Walking Bundys Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #13: Fear The Walking Bundys Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! If you or a loved one have taken the Vaxaprim Pharmaceuticals drug TTCI and have experienced the following side effects – heart attack, stroke or death, you or a loved one may be entitled to compensation. Call the law offices of Mortimer and Gas today at 1-800-BAD-DRUG. We will fight for you against the big pharmaceutical companies. Not licensed in all 50 states. Some states may be eligible for a claim but there is a small percentage of cases that actually make it to a trial. Consult your doctor for eligibility before contacting the law offices of M&G. OK enough nonsense. We’ve got a lot of conservative idiocy to cover this week, and I do mean a lot. Almost too much for one edition. First off how great was Tina Fey imitating Sarah Palin on SNL? I could have sworn that was the real thing. I’m still obsessed with that speech last week, that was magical.

By the way, someone on Youtube took the liberty of mashing up Sarah Palin’s speech with a Yosemite Sam cartoon, and the results are hilarious:

So where do we start this week? For one thing, the first spot is our returning champion Michigan governor Rick Snyder (1) who is in some deep toxic water as Flint's crisis continues to grow and mutate. At number 2 – Ammon Bundy (2) might be in custody, but the fans remain. And it's far from over – oh no, it continues to get weirder and weirder. Next, Der Trumpenfuror (3) is declaring himself bigger than Jesus, and is trolling Fox's debate party by holding his own (can you debate yourself?), and he got trolled by Harry Potter author JK Rowling. He also got a huge endorsement from the only guy in America who's a bigger racist than he is. At number 4, in this corner, we've got racism – and a lot of it! First, we're going to go to Phoenix, where a high school is under fire after a group of students spelled out the “N” word for a yearbook photo. Then we're going to Florida where during a debate about the nation's harshest abortion ban yet is resulting in some unrequested misogyny and racism targeted at single mothers. In the 5th slot, a New York Times investigation discovered that the Wounded Warrior Project (5) spent – you guessed it – no money on actual wounded warriors! Taking up the sixth spot, is none other than pharma bro Martin Shkreli (6) who's escalating his feud with the Wu Tang Clan, and everyone knows that Wu Tang aint nuthin to fuck with. At number 7, Glenn Beck is once again preparing for the apocalypse by reading to his family the delightful bed time story “Left Behind”. At number 8, North Carolina Senator Tom Tillis (8) wants restaurants to be able to opt out of those pesky health code regulations. In the number 9 spot, we're going to North Carolina and introducing you to Pastor Kenneth Simmons (9) who is encouraging his flock to leave religious pamphlets disguised as $20 bills as tips. This is a Mr. Burns level of evil. Finally for the 10th spot, we're bringing back Good Guys With Guns (10). This time we're going to Seattle where a guy who was terrified of mass shootings brought a gun into a showing of the Michael Bay Benghazi flick “13 Hours” and – wait for it – shot someone. You can't make this stuff up, folks. Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!

Rick Snyder

So just as President Obama declared Flint a federal disaster area, it seems that it's not making anything better and in fact it's getting worse. In case you forgot just how bad things are in Flint, let me show you another picture of their water and remind you that the Michigan Department Of Environmental Quality (DEQ) – declared this shit safe to drink.

And it appears that this did not just occur overnight, this might have happened as far back as 2012:

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder may have known about the Flint River’s toxicity as early as December 2012, according to a new report.

Ed Kurtz, Gov. Snyder’s first appointed emergency manager (EM), was given authority to make all financial decisions on behalf of Flint’s elected officials (as part of the controversial EM law Snyder passed early in his administration) first considered switching the city’s municipal water supply to the Flint River at the end of 2012. However, as the Daily Beast reported, Kurtz dismissed the idea after floating the proposal to the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality (MDEQ).

This detail wasn’t made public until the Beast‘s Curt Guyette discovered a taped deposition from Jerry Ambrose, the Chief Financial Officer of Flint’s EM committee, who would later become Flint’s fourth EM. Ambrose gave the statement under oath in 2014 as part of a separate civil lawsuit filed by municipal retirees fighting Gov. Snyder’s cuts to their health benefits:...

It’s still not confirmed if Ambrose and Kurtz told Snyder about the danger of using the Flint River as a source of municipal drinking water in December of 2012, since Snyder refuses to release any emails about Flint from late 2012 or 2013, when state officials were initially discussing the cancellation of Flint’s water contract with Detroit. But one Flint city administrator alleges that the decision to make the switch was made by Gov. Snyder himself. In the fall of 2015, former Flint public works director Howard Croft told the Michigan ACLU that the decision to officially make the Flint River the city’s interim water source was financial, and that it handed down from Snyder’s office.


So it's not just Rick Snyder – his whole administration might be under indictment for this. It's almost as if he channeled Homer Simpson and had the drinking bird push the “yes” button for every decision he made since he took the job (and if you remember that episode – it almost ended with the Springfield Nuclear Plant exploding thanks to Homer's carelessness).

And then taking this to a whole new level of evil, it seems that Flint is so broke, that it's forcing their residents to pay for their poisonous water – or get this – household owners will be considered in danger of child endangerment and they will literally take your kids away. This is a whole new level of evil.

Flint, MI – As the water crisis in Flint deepens, it is becoming apparent that the effects of the lead-infested water are not just a health hazard, but the situation has the potential of ruining many more lives outside of the poison issue. There is no denying that the water in Flint is undrinkable and that it is contaminated with lead and other substances, and it is clear that the government of Flint is responsible for the problem.

However, the city’s government continues to charge people for the poison water and then threatening to foreclose their home or take their children if they refuse to pay. Michigan law states that parents are neglectful if they do not have running water in their home, and if they chose not to pay for water they can’t drink anyway, then they could be guilty of child endangerment. Activists in Flint say that some residents have already received similar threats from the government if they refuse to pay their bills.


This just... ah!!! This is an entirely new level of shit! And yes that does involve Flint's water – which really does look like shit! This is why we can't have nice things people!!!

Ammon Bundy

Well finally! Our long national nightmare is over...? There was a shootout and LaVoy Finicum, aka Tarp Man, died in a shootout, but the good news is that the feds have locked up Ammon Bundy !! Celebrate good times come on!!

But oh no its' far from over, folks. In fact its' far from over. They've got everything including supporters who, like Jake and Elwood Blues, are also on a mission from God:

Still, the heavily armed militants believe their cause is not only just, but an act of divine intervention.

“God wants us here, there’s a sense that’s beckoning and it comes from heaven,” militiaman Kelly Gneiting said. “We’re doing what’s right, we’re doing what the founding fathers would do because we’re inspired by God, also.”


No... no, God doesn't want you there. And you're not the Blues Brothers either – you're on a mission from your gun, not god. Get it right.

And this is where they're spawning copycats:

BURNS – The protesters holding the wildlife refuge had nine ranchers in two states Saturday renounce their grazing privileges and they promise more will do so in the coming week, a symbolic step toward their avowed goal of shaking federal control of ranchland.

Meantime, the real effect is hard to tell. The ranchers say they'll keep using the federal land for their cattle. They say they may pay into escrow the modest fees -- $1.69 a month for a cow-calf pair – paid for using public land.

The ranchers' acts endorsed the view of Ammon Bundy and his armed militants at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge that federal land managers were violating the U.S. Constitution.


Yes – we are witnessing Ranchers Gone Wild! And you too can own the video for the low low price of... a quick Google search! But it's not all doom and gloom for the Malheur madness, in fact they're fighting back Braveheart style!

As the anti-government standoff in Harney County, Ore. rounds into its fourth week, media outlets are looking more closely at some of the men running the takeover of federal wildlife buildings—militants who have 58

Both WW and The Oregonian have singled out a key figure running security: a 31-year-old man from Anaconda, Mont. named Ryan Payne.

The closest and best examination of Payne was reported nearly two years ago by the Missoula Independent. Reporter Ted McDermott visited Payne at his family's log cabin outside Anaconda, not long after Payne took a leading role defying the U.S. Bureau of Land Management at Cliven Bundy's ranch in Nevada.

The Independent found in Payne an Army veteran who had become disillusioned and saw his former superiors in the U.S. military as an "oppressor" across the globe. He became further radicalized when his Southern California dune buggy company was put out of business by the costs of emissions tests—an example, he felt, of government regulators trying to control citizens.


Yikes. Did I mention this guy is running for president? Yeah that guy will never win, but he might secure a cabinet position in Donald Trump's cabinet. And let’s not forget to mention the Kansas mom who took her singing sons to Oregon to entertain the madmen militia. But let's pay one last tribute to Tarp Man who has provided us with a lot of material the last few weeks:

Donald Trump

Ahhhhhh!!!! OK here's your dollar! Don't scare us like that, please! Before we get started though, I also have to point out the latest cover of German political magazine Der Spiegel, which literally had Trump's pants on fire:

But damn, where do we begin this week? We could talk about how Donald Trump is blowing off the next planned Fox debate and hosting his own event (can he debate himself?). or we could talk about the obvious. Well the obvious would be to start with Der Trumpenfuror declaring himself bigger than Jesus – yes – while at a rally, he stated that he could shoot a man on New York's 5th Avenue and get away with it. I've been to 5th Avenue lots of times. He's not joking about that. But I can definitely joke about it because this happened:

WASHINGTON — Donald Trump, apparently concerned the deadly blizzard was infringing on his media coverage, said Saturday that he is so popular, he could shoot someone and not lose voters.
Addressing a campaign rally in Sioux Center, Iowa, Trump bragged that his "people" are the most loyal.
"I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose any voters, okay? It's, like, incredible," Trump said.

Can’t believe he went there, though if you consider exactly how much traffic there is on 5th Avenue in Manhattan, he actually probably could (not that I’m advocating that sort of thing just so we’re clear). But Donald Trump is very actively doing his best to completely annihilate the conservative party. Just this week, he was denounced by the National Review, who had fired on all cylinders by inviting every single prominent conservative writer to explain just how toxic Der Trumpenfuror is going to be for the party should he actually take the nomination at the RNC:

Donald Trump must be stopped: That's the theme binding an avalanche of essays by conservative thought leaders — 22 in all — that the National Review sent thundering down the political mountain onto GOP voters late Thursday, along with an editorial by the magazine's editors.
With a massive winter storm expected along the East Coast this weekend, perhaps some of the 35 percent of Republicans who support the real estate mogul-reality TV star will be buried in actual snow, with nothing better to do than read all 9,000 words and change their minds.
Or perhaps they will dismiss "Against Trump" — the title of this special collection by one of the nation's preeminent conservative publications — as just another chorus of naysaying from the loathsome, out-of-touch "establishment." (The National Review did just get dropped as a debate sponsor by the Republican National Committee, however, which might help the magazine appear less establishment-y.)

Yeah. And how about the fact that Der Trumpenfuror is getting a shocking endorsement from the only guy in America who’s a bigger racist than he is:

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio is heading to Iowa to campaign on behalf of Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump, according to CNN and New York Times reports.

The Arizona sheriff has been a vocal opponent of the Obama administration for years and is known for his tough take on tackling crime and hardline stance on illegal immigration.

Arpaio will appear with Trump in Marshalltown, according to the Times, a month after appearing at a Trump rally in his home state.

Trump has made ending illegal immigration a focal point of his Republican presidential campaign, and is running neck-and-neck with Sen. Ted Cruz (Texas) in Iowa ahead of ballots being cast Monday.

Read more: http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/267069-sheriff-joe-heading-to-iowa-to-endorse-trump

But let’s not forget that Der Trumpenfuror is making good on his promise to end religious freedom in America and give Christianity unchecked power:

We all know how much conservatives love to whine about how persecuted they are for their mainstream beliefs, and continue promoting their completely skewed perception of what it’s really like to be discriminated against.

On Saturday during a speech in Iowa, Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump revisited his previous comments where he’d proposed that all Muslims be banned from coming into the United States, offering up a completely out of touch alternative scenario. Trump actually had the audacity to say that he would have had “less difficulty” if he had suggested a ban on Christians from coming into America instead of Muslims! The business mogul said to his audience at Dordt College, a Christian school:...

But for fun and to end this entry on a high note without getting too much Trump for this edition, let’s take a look at how Der Trumpenfuror got owned on Twitter by Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling:

Early Sunday morning, Rowling linked to Pierson's comment in her own tweet and seemed to suggest that the Trump spokeswoman was a "Death Eater."
Death Eaters walk among us. https://t.co/tqKq1anHpf
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) January 24, 2016
The popular children's book author was invoking villains from her Harry Potter series -- "Death Eaters" -- known for their "pureblood" fervor. Purebloods, in the Harry Potter universe, are wizards (or witches) whose mother and father were both magical. Death Eaters made it their mission to eradicate any "half-bloods" or "mudbloods" who did not come from a magical family line.

In this case, the death eaters are Trump supporters, or would they be called “stupid losers”?

Racist Idiots

Last time we did a mega entry, was way back in Idiots #9 when we discussed a lot of religious stupidity that happened over the holidays. Well get ready because we’re on the eve of Black History Month 2016. Who has two thumbs and knows that racism is not dead in America? This guy! Well first let’s go to Phoenix, Arizona where a group of high school students who are clearly not university material (well, they might be Liberty University material ), spelled out the “N” word for a yearbook photo, and as you can imagine, the outrage machine has been cranked up way past 11 here:

A suburban Phoenix school district is taking disciplinary action after a photo of students spelling out a racial slur with T-shirts showed up on social media.

Tempe Union High School District spokeswoman Jill Hanks said Friday that the discipline process remains ongoing but six girls will be punished in accordance with district policies.

Hanks says Desert Vista High School students were wearing shirts to spell out "BEST(asterisk)YOU'VE(asterisk)EVER(asterisk)SEEN(asterisk)CLASS(asterisk)OF(asterisk)2016" for a senior class yearbook photo. She says the girls in the photo went off on their own and used their shirts to spell out a racial slur, "n---."

Someone shared the photo online, prompting calls to the principal.

Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/news/nation-world/article56154915.html#storylink=cpy

The gold color really makes their hatred and ignorance stand out in a crowd, doesn’t it? Next, we’re going across the country to where else but Florida? This time, while the state had been planning the harshest abortion bans in the country since Roe V Wade, and got struck down by SCOTUS quickly, a state senator has some absolutely wonderful things to say about America’s single mothers:

Republican Rep. Charles Van Zant, who sponsored the bill, argued that life began at conception, and that even zygotes were “citizens of Florida.”

While testifying about the bill, an anti-abortion activist named Paul injected race into the discussion.

“We see the destruction we’re bringing upon ourself as a nation,” Paul opined. “The Muslims, they don’t kill the babies.”

Paul noted that “white people” did not “live on an Island,” and that “the Mexicans” would propagate faster because they did not practice abortions. .............(more)


Yes because we “kill the babies” that means that white people are all going to eventually die off. Does this guy even know how this sort of thing works?

And in case this doesn’t get too racist, here’s some transphobia courtesy of Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson:

Jeremy Clarkson has understandably provoked anger after making insensitive and bigoted comments about the trans* community.

The former Top Gear star has compared “men who want to be women” as “ladyboys” and mocked transgender people as “nothing more than a punchline”.

Jeremy even went as far as to compare those struggling with their gender identity to those with a “Napoleon’s complex”, saying that children who were born in the wrong gender are simply playing at pretending.

Boy Cartman is really excited about that prospect, isn’t he?

The Wounded Warrior Project

So one thing everyone in this country can agree on – liberal or conservative, Rams or Raiders, Bud Light vs. Miller Light, is that the people who are willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good of this country and come home from combat with a missing limb or other health problems are the greatest Americans in the country, is that not correct? If you don’t agree with that, you should definitely get the hell out. Well, you may have noticed this charity called the “Wounded Warrior Project” advertising during your favorite sporting event of choice. Here’s one of their commercials:

Pretty freaking depressing, am I not right? Well after this you won’t cry after seeing those ads anymore. Instead, your blood is probably going to boil. Because as you may know, the WWP has not been, well, truthful about the money that has been coming into the organization and what they’ve been spending it on. The New York Times explains:

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — In early 2014, after 10 years of rapid growth, the charity Wounded Warrior Project flew its roughly 500 employees to Colorado Springs for an “all hands” meeting at the five-star Broadmoor hotel.

They were celebrating their biggest year yet: $225 million raised and a work force that had nearly doubled in just a year. On the opening night, before three days of strategy sessions and team-building field trips, the staff gathered in the hotel courtyard. Suddenly, a spotlight focused on a 10-story bell tower where the chief executive, Steven Nardizzi, stepped off the edge and rappelled down toward the cheering crowd.

That evening is emblematic of the polished and well-financed image cultivated by the Wounded Warrior Project, the country’s largest and fastest-growing veterans charity.

Since its inception in 2003 as a basement operation handing out backpacks to wounded war veterans, the charity has evolved into a fund-raising giant, taking in more than $372 million in 2015 alone — largely through small donations from people over 65.....It has spent millions a year on travel, dinners, hotels and conferences that often seemed more lavish than appropriate, more than four dozen current and former employees said in interviews. Former workers recounted buying business-class seats and regularly jetting around the country for minor meetings, or staying in $500-per-night hotel rooms....

Kind of makes me wish I had access to the resources and equipment John Oliver has because I would love to make a commercial mocking these asshats. But in case you were wondering, after a $225 million surplus in 2014, the charity spent less than what the IRS requires charities to spend on their cause, and a whopping $130 million on itself which included things like:

The organization has also spent hundreds of thousands of dollars in recent years on public relations and lobbying campaigns to deflect criticism of its spending and to fight legislative efforts to restrict how much nonprofits spend on overhead.

About 40 percent of the organization’s donations in 2014 were spent on its overhead, or about $124 million, according to the charity-rating group Charity Navigator. While that percentage, which includes administrative expenses and marketing costs, is not as much as for some groups, it is far more than for many veterans charities, including the Semper Fi Fund, a wounded-veterans group that spent about 8 percent of donations on overhead. As a result, some philanthropic watchdog groups have criticized the Wounded Warrior Project for spending too heavily on itself.

Some of its own employees have criticized it, too. During five years with the Wounded Warrior Project, William Chick, a former supervisor, said of the charity, “It slowly had less focus on veterans and more on raising money and protecting the organization.”....

So the next time you give money to a charity like that, you might want to take a look at who really runs it because these fucking douchebags should be dragged on their ass the same way Martin Shkreli was.

Martin Shkreli

Speaking of Martin Shkreli, former billionaire pharmaceutical CEO and current cover model for orange jumpsuits everywhere, Pharma-Douche is back in the news for being, well, Pharma-Douche. So now he's taking the Marshawn Lynch defense of “I'm just doing this so I dont get fined.”. Well no shit! Of course you take the fifth when you're being indicted by the federal government for fraud. But screwing over people who can't afford the basic medication they need to survive is one of the lowest lows ever, and you can't pull the Marshawn Lynch defense over this. Sorry, well, it should not work that way!

Shkreli’s lawyers asked U.S. District Judge Kiyo Matsumoto in Brooklyn to step in after the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee issued the former executive a subpoena to testify at the Jan. 26 hearing on drug pricing. The panel warned it would pursue criminal contempt charges against him if he does not show up.

The kerfuffle with Congress has a certain academic feel, as Shkreli has already said that he would invoke his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination and refuse to answer questions from lawmakers. His appeal to the New York judge refers to the terms of Shkreli’s $5 million bail package, which bar him from any travel. Shkreli’s lawyers asked the judge to quash or delay the congressional subpoena “if the court decides that Mr. Shkreli may not leave the Eastern and Southern Districts of New York in order to attend the committee hearing,” according to the filing.

With characteristic flair, Shkreli appears to be doing his best to irritate members of Congress. On Friday he tweeted to lawmakers: “You want me to go to DC to just say ‘I plead the 5th’? For your entertainment?” ...............(more)


Wow. Colossal dick move there, Shkreli. You don't fuck with the Wu Tang Clan, and you know what they did to you last time. Oh wait – here's where he's threatening to destroy the only existing copy of the Wu's one-off pressing of “Once Upon A Time In Shaolin”.

The Pharmadouche strikes again. When it was revealed that Martin Shkreli, the jack-ass pharmaceutical CEO infamous for his price-gouging of an AIDs medication, was the mysterious buyer who dropped $2 million on the one-of-a-kind Wu-Tang Clan album Once Upon A Time In Shaolin, we all let out a collective groan. When Shkreli was arrested by the FBI on ponzi scheme allegations, we rejoiced. Perhaps now the album would finally see a chance at release, even if it came because the smug scumbag had to sell it to pay off legal fees.

Well, leave it to the world’s most loathsome man to spit in our faces. During an interview for a Vice profile with Allie Conti, Shkreli had the record playing in the background. Apparently the first time he’d actually played the thing, he told Conti he “vacillates between wanting to destroy the record and dreaming of installing it in some remote place so that people have to make a spiritual quest to listen.” While the latter of those two options has at least a bit of mystique to it, either one is incredibly douchey.

And if you think Shkreli isn’t proud of that fact, you’re wrong. As he stated in the Vice piece, he actually wants the world to hate him, as if he gets a kick out of the whole thing. “I’m not just the heel of the music world,” he said, using pro-wrestling vernacular for “bad guy,” “I want to be the world’s heel.” It sucks that we’re giving in to his desires, but it’s just so easy to hate on this jerk.


Yes it is really easy to hate this guy, because he makes himself hateable. He's like mega billionaire Saudi Prince Alaweed bin Talal, only without charisma, or the Saudi Royal Family, he's just a douchebag who's charging an insane amount of money for an every day medication. But you know what? He won't be a customer of Wu Tang Financial any time soon, and if it is true that there's a clause in their contract of sale that says that the Wu can pull off a heist and steal the album back (See Idiots #4 ), now is the time to do it! You can own this douche and you would be enshrined in the internet hall of fame! Wu Tang Clan ain't nuthin to fuck with! Wu Tang Clan aint' nuthin to fuck with! Wu Tang Clan aint nuthin to fuck with!

Glenn Beck

Ultra conservatives are extremely paranoid at the thought of American society collapsing into the abyss. Ted Cruz is certainly an offender. In fact I was originally going to make this entry about Cruz, but this is too damn good to leave off. So Glenn Beck… we can all agree is one of the most batshit crazy conspiracy theorists on the planet right? I mean his comparisons of the US to Nazi Germany actually aren’t too far off if Donald Trump were to ever assume the presidency. But Glenn takes what Alex Jones says and adds a dash of batshit crazy insanity to the mix. Any parent on this board has probably read to their kids at some point right? Well… Glenn Beck is reading this to his kids.

Glenn Beck hosted a studio audience on his television program last night, where he revealed that he has ordered his staff to find a location outside of the United States from which he can continue to broadcast his programs once American society collapses and the government shuts down his network.

Beck fielded a question from a woman who had relocated her family from California to Texas based upon Beck's warnings of a coming social collapse and wanted Beck's advice on how best to prepare her children for what is to come, to which Beck responded that he and his wife are going to start reading the apocalyptic "Left Behind" series to their own children in preparation for the End Times.

Beck revealed that he recently had conversations with two different people who warned that the American economy and social structure are on the verge of total collapse, which prompted him to tell his staff to get to work finding a location in Israel to which they can flee when it happens.

"We have to pick up our pace on finding another place to broadcast," Beck told his staff. "I need to know if I can get to Jerusalem, where they won't shut this down and we can be able to broadcast into the United States. This could end quickly."

Yes, he is preparing his wife and kids by reading to them the charming tale of fire, death, destruction, and rule by Satan known as “Left Behind”. My parents read me “Green Eggs and Ham”. Wow. But then he ups the ante by announcing that he’s going to be moving operations to Isreal once American society collapses. OK… this raises a lot of questions like mainly why? That’s the biggest one. Is it possible we can send him on a permanent vacation there or revoke his broadcasting license? I just hope he doesn’t have movie time planned for after he reads his kids “Left Behind”.

That movie by the way earned Nicholas Cage a Razzie Award last year.

Tom Tillis

So with the latest outbreak of a killer virus that is rapidly spreading called the Zika virus, I think a certain senator from North Carolina needs some first grade reeducation. So Tom Tillis (R-Idiot), believes that restaurants should be able to opt out of health codes that require employees wash hands after restroom usage. Now stop and think about what Tom wants to do, and reread the first sentence of this paragraph multiple times. Scary shit isn't it? Well this isn't the Onion, this is real.

Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC) argued this week that restaurants should be able to “opt out” of health department regulations that require employees to wash their hands after using the bathroom.
On Monday, the freshman senator ended his talk at the Bipartisan Policy Center (BPC) with a story to illustrate his philosophy on government regulations.
“I was having this discussion with someone, and we were at a Starbucks in my district, and we were talking about certain regulations where I felt like maybe you should allow businesses to opt out,” Tillis recalled. “Let an industry or business opt out as long as they indicate through proper disclosure, through advertising, through employment, literature, whatever else. There’s this level of regulations that maybe they’re on the books, but maybe you can make a market-based decision as to whether or not they should apply to you.”

No Tom, this is not “regulatory burden”. This is some certified, grade A, Ayn Rand, anti government bullshit. Let me reeducate you here. See we have these things called “diseases”., and in recent years science has made some advances to eradicate these diseases. We also have these things called “health codes” and “vaccines” that are designed to prevent the spread of deadly diseases. We have seen what happens when you take away vaccines, but what happens when you take away health codes? You will get the spread of bodily fluids on your food, which in turn will create some newer and scarier diseases. You don't want that do you? I hope he doesn't visit any restaurants any time soon. I can guarantee in the world that Mr. Tillis envisions, if I see a sign that says “We don't require employees to wash hands”, I don't frequent that establishment. Get how that works?

Kenneth Simmons

Sigh... if Jesus ever were to come back and see some of the atrocities being committed in his name – and a lot of them mentioned throughout this edition, he'd turn around and come back almost immediately. Let's go to North Carolina for this one and introduce you to Pastor Kenneth Simmons. While this story doesn't make it clear that it was him or his flock, he's guilty of this either way. Jesus needs to smite this guy, because this is a cartoonish, almost Mr. Burns level of evil here:

On Wednesday, we brought you the story of a restaurant employee in Charlotte, North Carolina who got cruelly stiffed by a religious pamphlet disguised as a twenty dollar tip.
The employee’s manager, the perfectly named Penny Craver, issued a righteous response to the proselytizing jerks who left her server the fake tip. After looking up the Harbor Baptist Church, which had printed its name on the pamphlet, Craver fired back with a letter to the church’s pastor Kenneth Simmons. Craver’s response highlighted the exact problems with the fake tips –they’re not money and they’re incredibly pretentious – and put it all in biblical terms that these sanctimonious church trolls can understand.

It takes some serious balls to leave that as a tip, and I hope that if those patrons never frequent that restaurant ever again, or they might go full Slammin' Salmon on them, which would be a well deserved punishment.

But instead the manager of the restaurant which was not named left a much classier response for the church trolls than I would have:

Pastor Simmons:

I am the general manager of Dish (restaurant) in Plaza Midwood. Imagine one of my server’s surprise when she received a small pamphlet (Every one of us will face eternity one day) instead of a tip when she served what I assume was one of your congregation. H er particular religious beliefs are not discussed at work; however, I do know that this pamphlet can not pay her mortgage or her electric bill. It concerns me that someone would consider a pamphlet fair monetary exchange. Suppose your congregation felt it was sufficient to tithe their personal writings instead of 10% of their income. Your church wouldn’t be paying their bills for very long. I think it would be great if you used this in a sermon. Pride, one of the 7 Deadly Sins, is considered, on almost every list, the original and most serious of the seven deadly sins: the source of the others. It is identified as believing that one is essentially better than others, failing to acknowledge the accomplishments of others, and excessive admiration of the personal self (especially holding self out of proper position toward God). I think it could be educational for at least one member of your congregation. Thank you very much for your time.

Boom. Drop the mic.

Good Guys With Guns

So there's three things that should never, ever mix - alcohol, weapons, and Michael Bay movies. Add some incredibly low inhibition brought on by the movie and you've got a toxic storm brewing for the next entry in... (cue reverb) GOOD GUYS WITH GUNS!!! Yes these wannabe heroes are just placating into the NRA's mantra that "good guys with guns" can take out bad guys with guns in just about every situation. Well this next entry has me absolutely speechless. For this insane story, we're going to Renton, Washington. There, a guy tried to take a weapon into Michael Bay's factually incorrect Benghazi flick "13 Hours".

A Washington man who accidentally shot a female moviegoer at a showing on the Benghazi action film “13 Hours,” told police he carries a gun because he fears “mass shootings.”
According to the Seattle Times, Dane Gallion, 29, told police he carried the gun with him to the Regal Cinemas 14 at the Landing last Thursday night because he was “concerned about recent mass shootings in public places.”
According to witnesses at the time, Gallion appeared drunk and bolted from the theater after after the gun went off, striking the woman in the seat in front of him.
Gallion — a father of two and a graduate student — turned himself in later that evening after returning home and having his father call 911.

I seriously hope that I'm not the only one who is understanding the irony of this situation here. Look I can understand the thought of being terrified at the prospect of a mass shooting, and in this day and age who isn't terrified of that prospect? I know I am. But... that said, if you're terrified of shootings why would you bring a gun? You know you're not going to be the hero in this situation. No, you're more going to be more like George Costanza at the children's birthday party when the oven caught fire:

I hope that no one is ever in an active shooter situation, but if you are, you're going to be more like George Costanza, and less like the hero the NRA wants you to be. You will be the guy knocking down clowns in this situation. But there's more and it gets weirder:

Court documents say the man told police that he went to the movie alone and he had chambered a round in his Smith and Wesson 9mm, which he kept in his waistband because he was worried about mass shootings.


The gun was empty when Gallion brought it into the theater. It was fucking empty. I will repeat that - the gun was fucking empty!! That means that he loaded the gun during the movie!!! He purposefully loaded a gun and shot someone with it during the movie!! You can't be terrified of mass shootings if you're the guy committing the shooting!!

Investigators believe Gallion may have been intoxicated at the time. Reports show Gallion told police he had taken a Xanax for anxiety in the morning, then ate a pizza and drank a 22-ounce beer before the movie.

"Preliminary accounts indicate that an intoxicated suspect entered one of the theaters and was fumbling with a handgun he had in his possession when it went off, striking another patron seated in front of him," Renton Police said in a statement.

Gallion was booked into the King County jail Thursday night, and now faces a third degree assault charge. He also has one prior conviction for driving under the influence nearly five years ago.


Hey don't go blaming the pizza and beer on this. If there's the two greatest inventions of all time, it's pizza and beer. I've eaten a lot of pizza and drank a lot of beer in my life. Hell I could do 3 tall boys standing on my head and still be sober. But a single tall boy and he feels the need to shoot someone? Either this guy is the worst drunk on the planet or the most paranoid gun nut on the planet. I've never, ever had the need to load a gun and shoot someone with it while watching Michael Bay movies! And that doesn't count the time I drank a whole six pack , playing with an air gun while I was watching Transformers. Just... ah!!!! NRA, you fucking own this. This is the face of the good guy with a gun that you created!!! Yes you, Wayne LaPierre, I'm talking to you! This is the kind of shit we have to live with on a daily basis. And you wonder why we can't have nice things!

And Now This:
This Picture Of A Potato Is Worth More Than You

And it unintentionally makes the best case for a Bernie Sanders Presidency. Think about it.

Yup, that thing is worth almost $1.7 MILLION DOLLARS. This is why the rich need to be taxed people! Because when you have more money than brains, you tend to spend it very foolishly.

See you next week!

Ed. Note: Next week's Top 10 will be a Super Tuesday special edition. Stay tuned!

Donald Trump's Star On The Walk Of Fame Got Defaced

The presidential candidate’s star on Hollywood Boulevard vandalized with Nazi symbol

Donald Trump’s Hollywood Walk of Fame star was defaced with a reversed swastika.

On Friday, a Reddit user uploaded the image of the star, located at 6801 Hollywood Boulevard, with the swastika sprayed on backwards. The star was clean Saturday morning.

The “Apprentice” host received the star in 2007. In September, someone placed a yellow “X” over it. And in December, someone wrote “Rapist” on Bill Cosby‘s star.

Austin Franklin, an actor who spends his days patrolling Hollywood Boulevard dressed as Batman, said he often sees people stomping or pretending to defecate on the star. He was among those who saw the swastika Friday before it was cleaned up.


Wasn't me!

Stephen Colbert Moderates A Trump Vs. Trump Debate

Sarah Palin's Trump Speech As A Yosemite Sam Cartoon

This is truly inspired and hilarious.

High School Halts Production Of "American Idiot" In Favor Of "Little Shop Of Horrors"

ENFIELD — A decision by Enfield High School staff not to allow a student production of Green Day's rock opera "American Idiot" drew an online response from the band's front man, Billie Joe Armstrong, on Monday that quickly spread over the Internet.

The high school's drama club, the Lamplighters, will not perform "American Idiot" this spring, despite fliers recently posted at the school encouraging students to audition. Instead, the group will perform "Little Shop of Horrors," according to drama club director Nate Ferreira.

"I know that Mr. Armstrong posted something in support of our intention to do the show but in fact it wasn't the school board as he thinks that forced us not to do the show," Ferreira said. "It was a decision that the principal and I arrived at together because there were some kids in the group whose parents didn't want them involved."


Yeah because Little Shop Of Horrors is much better!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #12: Two Corinthians Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #12: Two Corinthians Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Are you ready to harvest the true power of your brain? Do you want your brain to realize its' full potential? If you're ready, scientists and doctors have developed a revolutionary cure for mass media stupidity that's the product of over a decade of research. It's called Top 10 Conservative Idiots, or TTCI. When your brain is subjected to right wing stupidity, brain molecules accumulate and back up. TTCI eliminates this build up and flushes out those molecules, replacing them with knowledge. Side effects may include headache, stomach ache, heartburn, nausea, increased vomiting, and in male patients, needing to go frequently or urgently. Some patients who regularly use TTCI may also see an increased risk of irritability and tendency for sociopathy, and one out of five may see an increased risk of suicidal thoughts, dizziness and dry mouth. Do not take TTCI if you are using blood thinners as it may result in an increased risk of a heart attack, stroke or death may occur in one out of fifteen patients. Do not use alcohol in excess with frequent TTCI usage. So if you're interested in increasing your brain power, ask your doctor if TTCI is right for you. See our ad in Golf Magazine.

No matter how many times I see that ad it still gets weird. That's Ted Cruz getting an endorsement from Duck Dynasty's backwoods, beard wearing religious sociopath Phil Robertson. Occupying the first slot in this issue is none other than Michigan governor Rick Snyder (1) who is in the hot seat over Flint's toxic water crisis. At number two is returning champion Liberty University (2), who as the title suggested honored MLK by having none other than racist narcissitic sociopath Donald Trump speak at an event honoring the civil rights leader. At number 3, Ted Cruz (3) is witnessing first hand exactly what happens when the GOP goes full birther. Next up, the Bundy Militia (4) may or may not have desecrated a sacred Native American burial ground, and they're now setting up franchises. Der Trumpenfuror (5) is back, and he just won't go away. This time we'll introduce you to the Old Fashioned Country Trump Jamboree, and we'll tell you about a ringing endorsement he got from an Idiots hall-of-fame candidate. Also if you dare question Trump about his past business dealings, he will cut you off! At number 6, the GOP (6) is in a kerfuffle – we'll pull some choice quotes from their most recent debate, and we'll explain how top donors are having buyer's remorse. Ted Nugent (7) goes apeshit after he mistakes the events of Michael Bay's new flick “13 Hours” for real life events. Calm down Ted, it's a Michael Bay flick. Next former Alaskan governor and current Republican material girl living in a material world Sarah Palin's (8) word salad from the Donald Trump rally is very inspired and we'll let Stephen Colbert have some fun with this. In the number 9 spot, Marco Rubio (9) bragged to Meet The Press about the fact that he went out and bought a gun on Christmas Eve because... ISIS. Because he's not going away anytime soon, Donald Trump (10) has a second spot on the list this week. Last edition, I pointed out that I'm dedicated to bringing the crazy extra hard for the 10th spot, and Donald Trump does not dissapoint. But this week I'll let the British Parliament educate you on how to insult a narcissist. Which believe me is no easy feat. Finally, we will welcome the Rams back to Los Angeles, Idiots style! Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!

Rick Snyder

Well in Michigan, the heat has been building against governor Rick Snyder, and well it's got to the point where the shit is about to hit the fan, or at least the toxic water is about to hit the fan, which kind of looks like shit:

Excuse me a minute...

OK I feel better. But I'm sure Rick Snyder doesn't, and there's calls for everything from his resignation to his arrest. At the very least he should be made to drink a glass of the toxic water from the Flint River, which is so poisonous that GM stopped using it to make parts for its' cars because it was almost like instant corrosion (by the way, I saw Instant Corrosion at the Troubadour last week, great band):

Then there's this - the DEQ admits folks in Flint are concerned about the taste, smell and color of their water .but aesthetics are not regulated.
The DEQ's points? One - it's the Flint River, which will give a "different flavor and feel." And they say "it's why General Motors suspended use of Flint water - it was rusting their parts."

This should have been a red flag. The water was rusting GM's parts -- but safe to drink?
The DEQ's second point? "The system is old."

And three - Flint is old, meaning the pipes in the homes are aging. The DEQ goes on to say the water is tested rigorously.
On Oct. 13, the chief of staff forwarded a water quality report to the governor from March. The report originally went to Flint's emergency manager and it was conducted by an independent company.

So Gov. Snyder and the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality were warned by GM that the water was rusting their parts but the DEQ still declared the water safe to drink? That takes some serious balls to ignore that kind of thing. Just wow... but it gets worse, my friends. Here's where Gov. Snyder declares that he has “nothing to hide” like he's playing some sort of Jedi mind trick:

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder has apologized for the current public health crisis in Flint, which has left 10 dead and tens of thousands sick since the city switched its water supply source from Lake Huron to the highly corrosive Flint River in 2014. So far, Snyder has resisted calls for his resignation and/or arrest despite the fact that his administration ignored tons of complaints from the community and medical professionals about the water — which was so contaminated with lead the EPA deemed it “toxic waste” — but Wednesday Snyder offered a mea culpa in the form of transparency: He released all of his emails related to the disaster from 2014 and 2015.


Well we can't deciper the e-mails because they all look like this:

Yup! Lots of lines of... something all blacked out. Well Rick, either you admit that you and your administration fucked up, or you resign and face justice, whether it's the legal way or the angry mob way. You decide. And fuck you.

Liberty University

If you've been reading these lists since I jumpstarted this last November (can't believe it's been 3 months!), well you know that Liberty University has been a frequent contributor to these lists, mainly due to their complete lack of sensitivity surrounding all these horrific mass shootings that have occurred lately, but they've never occupied one of the top spots until now. No, that's Donald Trump's job! So what did Liberty University do to earn the #2 spot this week? If you guessed this involves Donald Trump in some way, shape or form, you are correct sir / madam! Points!! Roll tape!

Yes, Donald Trump just quoted a Bible verse as “Two Corinthians”. I'm not a religious person and even I know how to properly quote a Bible verse. It's “second Corinthians”, damn it! Now I never mean to make fun of religion here, but doesn't Two Corinthians sound like some kind of ultra high end trendy liquor endorsed by a celebrity? Try new Two Corinthians tequila today! Distilled in the finest distilleries in Mexico and aged for 25 years. Available in anejo, agave, and blanco. Let's continue:

But while Falwell said Trump's speech would be an opportunity for the bombastic front-runner "to recognize and honor Dr. King," Trump made only sparing reference to the civil rights icon.
Touting what he said was a "record" crowd size at Liberty University's central arena -- which is regularly packed for convocations due to the university's mandatory attendance policy -- Trump said in opening his remarks he would like to "dedicate that to Martin Luther King, a great man."
And again in closing, Trump pointed to King -- and the size of his crowds.
"It's an honor in terms of Martin Luther King," Trump said. "We're dedicating the record to the late, great Martin Luther King."
Trump made no other mention of the civil rights leader.

Yes – Donald Trump played to a record crowd at Liberty University, which sounds pretty impressive, until you realize that this was an assembly where attendance was mandated by the university, and that enrollment was at an all time high. But Der Trumpenfuror’s excuse for the flub? Why it was the fault of Tony Perkins! Yes that Tony Perkins of the bigot hate group Family Research Council! Yay!!!

"Tony Perkins wrote that out for me. He ... is a very, very good guy. And he wrote out the number “Two” Corinthians, which I could show you very nicely, if you like."
(Perkins is the current president of the anti-LGBT advocacy group, the Family Research Council, which the Southern Poverty Law Center classifies as a hate group)

Yes! See Donald Trump has zero empathy for just about everyone and everything on the planet that’s not directly related to him. Cue the fail horn:

Ted Cruz

Seriously Republicans it's time to give it a rest. It's been 8 fucking years. They went full birther on Obama. And of course two wrongs don't make a right. But using republican “logic” or complete lack thereof, they're now using this logic against one of their own and that's Ted Cruz. Last week Ted got a ringing endorsement from the Duck Dynasty crowd, and this week, he’s got another new, very insane campaign ad that has everyone talking:

But that’s just the beginning. See, Ted has ignited a shit storm (no, that does not involve Flint’s toxic water), that has everyone questioning his citizenship.

Donald Trump is actually right about something: Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex.) is not a natural-born citizen and therefore is not eligible to be president or vice president of the United States.
The Constitution provides that “No person except a natural born Citizen . . . shall be eligible to the Office of President.” The concept of “natural born” comes from common law, and it is that law the Supreme Court has said we must turn to for the concept’s definition. On this subject, common law is clear and unambiguous. The 18th-century English jurist William Blackstone, the preeminent authority on it, declared natural-born citizens are “such as are born within the dominions of the crown of England,” while aliens are “such as are born out of it.” The key to this division is the assumption of allegiance to one’s country of birth. The Americans who drafted the Constitution adopted this principle for the United States. James Madison, known as the “father of the Constitution,” stated, “It is an established maxim that birth is a criterion of allegiance. . . . place is the most certain criterion; it is what applies in the United States.”

But… just as the tide is turning on Ted, the tide is also turning on Trump. While Trump is going full birther on Ted just as he went full birther on Obama, the GOP is so discombobulated that it’s actually got to the point where they’re turning on each other. Nearly everyone is questioning Cruz’s citizenship:

WASHINGTON, Jan 10 (Reuters) - Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump on Sunday hammered away at his closest challenger's eligibility to be U.S. president, while the party's Senate leader said the chamber will stay out of the fray involving Ted Cruz's citizenship.
Under the Constitution, presidents must be "natural born citizens." Cruz was born in Calgary, Alberta, but his mother was a U.S. citizen, which he says makes him eligible to run.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told ABC's "This Week" that the Senate would not act to formally counter Trump's claim that the senator's Canadian birth makes him ineligible to be president. Cruz's father was born in Cuba.
In 2008, the Senate passed a resolution declaring Senator John McCain, a Republican presidential candidate, a natural born citizen. McCain was born to American parents on a U.S. military base in the Panama Canal Zone.

But here’s where the republicans are going apeshit and turning on each other. Be sure to stock up on lots of popcorn, it’s going to be a long year!

Donald Trump must be stopped: That's the theme binding an avalanche of essays by conservative thought leaders — 22 in all — that the National Review sent thundering down the political mountain onto GOP voters late Thursday, along with an editorial by the magazine's editors.
With a massive winter storm expected along the East Coast this weekend, perhaps some of the 35 percent of Republicans who support the real estate mogul-reality TV star will be buried in actual snow, with nothing better to do than read all 9,000 words and change their minds.
Or perhaps they will dismiss "Against Trump" — the title of this special collection by one of the nation's preeminent conservative publications — as just another chorus of naysaying from the loathsome, out-of-touch "establishment." (The National Review did just get dropped as a debate sponsor by the Republican National Committee, however, which might help the magazine appear less establishment-y.)

Ammon Bundy

If you remember the last edition, you know that I compared what's going on with Ammon Bundy and the Oregon militia to the end of the movie The Dark Knight Rises. They hired their own “judge” to stage mock trials like the ones that the Scarecrow, aka Dr. Crane, were giving out to officials who they deemed corrupt:

Exile or death? Well now it seems Ammon Bundy may have gone one step too far in manipulating Bane and is building his own infrastructure, and may or may not have built it on a sacred Native American burial ground:

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/ore-militia-remove-cameras- pave-roads-wildlife-refuge-article-1.2499550

The militia group occupying an Oregon wildlife refuge has been paving new roads, scrapping fences and taking down security cameras on federal property.

In their latest anti-government display, the armed group scaled ladders Friday to disable surveillance cameras at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge and blamed the FBI for installing them to survey the occupation.

The black cameras, previously attached to poles at the headquarters, were a symbol of "mass surveillance," militia spokesman LaVoy Finicum said at a media briefing Saturday, where he displayed a basket of the devices.
Their transformation of federal property has earned the ire of the Burns Paiute Tribe, whose leaders demanded criminal charges be brought against Ammon Bundy's group, fearing that priceless artifacts have been defaced and ancient burial grounds desecrated since their Jan. 2 takeover.

"We have no idea whether the militants have disturbed the Tribe's artifacts or gained access to otherwise confidential information," wrote tribe chairperson Charlotte Rodrique in a letter to U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service regional director Robyn Thorson.

So they're destroying property and sacred land that belongs to the Burns Paiute Tribe, and the FBI is standing by and doing absolutely nothing. But it appears that other members of the Bundy militia are taking this thing nation wide. First, Nevada. Now, Oregon. Next? Utah!

Two of the Oregon militants have been traveling out of state to meet with other groups who want the federal government to hand over public land to their control.

LaVoy Finicum said he left the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge last week and drove to Utah with one of the other armed militants, reported OPB.

He later identified his travel companion as Ryan Bundy, and he claimed they met with county officials eager to engage in a similar standoff with federal authorities over public land ownership.

Finicum said the occupied visitors center, which the militants have renamed the Harney County Resource Center, was a symbolic victory and inspiration to other anti-government extremists.


So it looks like they're setting up franchises now. Who knows? Maybe they'll be coming to some remote federal lands near you! But the group was met with a massive protest which included some surprisingly well-spelled protest signs like this:

Big difference between us and Ammon Bundy types – we spell our protest signs correctly.

Donald Trump

Wow. Just... wow. I don't know if I'm watching a Donald Trump rally or a half time show at the junior CIF football championship. Or maybe it's a rally for North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, who Donald Trump wants to be his new BFF. But he's definitely channeling his BFF Kim Jong Un with this latest offering. And is even going one step further by threatening to cut off any reporter who dares to dig up his past business shenanigans, where he destroyed casinos and universities among other atrocities:

The Washington Post has a very in-depth report tonight about his role in the bankruptcy of his Taj Mahal Atlantic City casino back in 1991. They concluded that Trump has repeatedly “play(ed) down his personal role” in its downfall.

And Trump responded by warning the paper he might sue them.

The Post––which chronicles Trump’s history in the casino business––obtained documents showing plenty of the people he interacted with at the time were very bitter because of unfulfilled promises.

At one point, the report features Trump’s testimony before the Casino Control Commission years before, in which he argued to get a casino license. He said at one point, “It’s easier to finance if Donald Trump owns it. With me, they know there’s a certainty they would get their interest.”

Yes, Trump will sue you if you dare speak of his past business failures. Oh wait, shit! I already did that! Just check out the previous editions! By the way I will now be going by the name of John Smith until Trump's campaign is no longer relevant. Or if he becomes president then I'm fucked. Just kidding.

This is my favorite Trump story of the week – Der Trumpenfuror made a promise that if he's elected that he would “force Apple to build their computers in America”, damn it! Which is fine, but what about the other hundreds of PC component manufacturers like Western Digital, Asus, and MSI who make products in Thailand, China, and Taiwan? Or Intel who manufactures their processors (which are used in the majority of all Apple iMac desktops and Macbooks) in Costa Rica? Good luck with that.

We’re going to get Apple to build their damn computers and things in this country instead of other countries,' Trump said near the end of his speech, according to a report in the technology blog Gizmodo.
Trump unveiled the proposal despite making his personal fortune as a free-market capitalist. Most of his wealth has been built as a developer through his real estate firm.
The report noted that Apple already builds its Mac Pro at a factory in Austin, Texas, although it has outsourced manufacturing of other goods such as the iPhone to a large factory in Shenzhen, China.
Amazon, Google and Microsoft also use the Chinese factory for their own products. In a recent CBS '60 Minutes' interview, Apple CEO Tim Cook blamed the US tax code in past interviews, saying it is 'awful for America.'
However, the Gizmodo report called Trump's proposal 'an empty applause line.'
'The U.S. president does not have the power to ban a company from outsourcing, nor does the president have the power to completely overhaul the global economy,' it said.

But oh no... Der Trumpenfuror picked up a ringing endorsement from a Top 10 Hall Of Famer, and who might that be? It definitely isn't John McCain. Or George Bush (who's endorsing Jeb!'s, sinkings ship). Who could it be?

Donald Trump isn't one to share the spotlight, but on Tuesday night, he made an exception for the former Alaska governor and John McCain's 2008 vice presidential running mate.
Palin appeared alongside Trump at a raucous campaign rally, following days of speculation about the identity of a "special guest."
In front of thousands of Trump fans, Palin handed Trump his most high-profile endorsement yet, just two weeks out from the Iowa caucuses.
"Heads are spinnin'. Media heads are spinning! This is going to be so much fun!" Palin yelled from the stage. "Are you ready to make America great again?"

Bet you didn't think it was going to be her, did ya? And you think you're so smart! Well guess what? It was her, and I think Sarah must be vying for a VP nomination, or at the very least another spot in the top 10 and don't worry we will cover what's going on with her private life later on in this edition. God imagine how much those two will destroy the country once in power, good god. But who are Donald Trump's supporters? One GOP strategist offers this suggestion:

MSNBC Guest: Trump’s ‘Alt-Right’ Fans ‘Childless Single Men Who Masturbate to Anime’
by Josh Feldman | 8:50 pm, January 19th, 2016 VIDEO 1231

Republican strategist Rick Wilson is not a fan of Donald Trump, and tonight.. boy did his comments about Trump’s rabid fans go to a weird place.

Wilson talked to Chris Hayes about a very specific section of Trump’s fans; not his mainstream supporters, his “alt-right” fans. The ones, he explained, that have lots of “Hitler iconography in their Twitter icons.”

He went on to say, “Most of them are childless single men who masturbate to anime. They’re not real political players. These are not people who matter in the overall course of humanity.”


So that leaves what? 4Chan, Free Republic, and Infowars? I do have to give props to the New York Daily News, who once again nails it:


Time and time again I keep hearing that the 2016 election is the most important election in the modern era of the United States. On one hand you've got Donald Trump attempting to buy his way into the White House. And in the exact opposite direction you have a guy who's doing things the grass roots, old fashioned way and that's Bernie Sanders. Well the GOP had its' first debate of 2016 and it was magical. So just like the last debate, I'm just going to sit here quietly and post some choice quotes.

Chris Christie on Obama’s State of the Union:
Tuesday night I watched story time with Barack Obama.
Ben Carson on the terrorist threat:
We have enemies who are obtaining nuclear weapons that they can explode in our exo-atmosphere and destroy our electric grid.
Ted Cruz on why Trump is pushing birther theories that question Cruz’s eligibility to run for president:
Since September, the constitution hasn't changed. But the poll numbers have.
Cruz on Trump's assertion that Cruz will, in the end, not be allowed to be president.
I'll tell you what. If this all works out I'm happy to consider naming you as vp and so if you happen to be right, you could get the top job at end of the day.

There's tons more. And it gets better. So much better. But not nearly as magical as Sarah Palin's speech Trumping for Der Trumpenfuror. But it appears now that the GOP's top buyers are having buyer's remorse.


“Major GOP donors and fundraisers are wondering whether they’re wasting their money on super-PACs,” The Hill reports.

“They say they’re not ready to abandon the super-PACs, but they’re starting to look for ways to make them more effective during a presidential cycle that has challenged conventions about how to spend political donations.”

“The cautionary tale cited by nearly every donor or fundraiser interviewed on or off the record has been Bush. He has fallen in polls despite the more than $50 million already spent on his behalf by the group Right to Rise, which far outraised every other super-PAC with its mid-year haul of $103 million.”

Yup things are so bad that the GOP's top donors are having a serious case of buyer's remorse. And they say Charles Kochs' heart grew a whopping three sizes that day...

Ted Nugent

If there's one thing that Republicans are good at, it's being completely unable to distinguish facts from reality. Such is the case with the current Michael Bay flick “13 Hours” - yes the controversial flick about the Benghazi embassy attack in 2012. Well Ted Nugent won't have any of it. In fact he thinks the movie is real. And it's Michael Bay so you know it's a quality flick that's historically accurate. If they had got a competent director to direct this flick, like I don't know, Alejandro Inarittu, to direct this movie, it might contain things like facts. Sadly he wasn't available. Too busy directing movies that, you know, win Oscars. But nope, it's a Michael Bay flick and here's how wrong it is.

The core story 13 Hours tells about Benghazi is flatly false

I understand why Michael Bay wanted to make a movie like this. It fits his self-described mission as a filmmaker: "I make movies for teenage boys. Oh dear, what a crime." And I also get that holding up a popcorn action flick to rigorous standards of historical accuracy both misunderstands the point of action movies and, inevitably, can lead only to madness.
But 13 Hours isn't another one of Bay's Transformers: He's working with real life here. And the true story of Benghazi is not a story of heroic men stymied by incompetent bureaucrats and abandoned by their government.
The point is not that this narrative is overly simplistic and wrong — of course it is — but rather that in trying to wedge the real-life story into this box, Bay ends up distorting what happened in ways that could end up misleading millions of American viewers who are still trying figure out what happened in real-life Benghazi and how to feel about it. It also ends up dovetailing, deliberately or not, with some of the most common and most persistent conspiracy theories about the incident.
First, the movie's most dramatic moment — Bob's obstruction of the contractors and the stand-down order — probably didn't happen. The bipartisan Senate Intelligence Committee, the most credible official investigation into Benghazi, investigated precisely this issue. It found that, "Although some members of the security team expressed frustration that they were unable to respond more quickly to the Mission compound," there was "no evidence of intentional delay or obstruction by the Chief of Base or any other party."

Yup, just about everything in Michael Bay's version of what happened is wrong. But here's why republicans are unable to distinguish facts from reality. After seeing the movie, Ted Nugent once again threatened Obama and Hillary Clinton. It's just a movie Ted! And how much do you want to bet that the Secret Service has Nugent's number on speed dial? I mean come on:

Ted Nugent has a lot of ideas and he has never been afraid to express them, even when they are violent and border on murderous threats. This morning, Nugent logged into Facebook to express to his 2 million followers how the new, floppy Michael Bay film, 13 Hours, made him feel.

Read on to see the musician, hunter, and former host of my favorite childhood show, Surviving Nugent: The Ted Commandments, suggest that President Barack Obama and Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton should be hanged.

Read more: http://www.mediaite.com/online/ted-nugent-calls-for-hanging-clinton-and-obama-after-seeing-13-hours/

Ted, it's time to admit you have a problem. See, this isn't the first time Ted Nugent threatened to kill President Obama and/or Hillary Clinton. You might remember the time he tried to do so in 2007. Or when he tried to again in 2012. Or when he tried to in 2013. Or again in 2014. How about 2015 when he threatened to murder Harry Reid? Ted must be addicted to those Secret Service visits he gets. But the first step to curing an addiction is admitting that you have a problem.

You know, Ted Nugent spent a month shitting his pants and wearing those same pants for a month to get out of serving in Vietnam. I believe this created a condition in Ted in which the colon circulated fecal material to the cranial cavity. Scientists call this disease copro encephalopathy. Or in layman's terms “shit for brains”. But I will now call this disease “Ted Nugent Syndrome.”

Lewis Black was right – good people die young and pricks live forever. Need some proof? David Bowie? Gone. Alan Rickman? Gone. Glen Frey? Gone. Lemmy? Gone. Ted Nugent? Still alive! Like I said the Secret Service must have him on speed dial because he seems to be threatening Hillary Clinton or President Obama on an almost daily basis. After all, he's a friend of the Sean Hannity show, ya know!

With friends like those, who needs enemies?

Sarah Palin

That's not Saturday Night Live. Oh no my friends. That's real. That happened. Where's Tina Fey when you need her? Can someone please get Tina on the phone? Get Tina on the phone please! But yes that 20 minute word salad was full on Sarah Palin being Sarah Palin. And to quote one of my all time favorite flicks, Blazing Saddles, it was also some real authentic frontier gibberish.

But it gets better:

Ames, Iowa (CNN)Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin endorsed Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump Tuesday at an Iowa campaign stop, delivering a raucous speech full of Palin-isms during her return to the presidential campaign trail.
"Looking around at all of you, you hard working Iowa families, you farm families and teachers and teamsters and cops and cooks, you rock and rollers and holy rollers!" Palin said. "You all make the world go around and now our cause is one."
The 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate said she was "proud to endorse" Trump.
The official endorsement will be followed by a joint appearance on Wednesday morning in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

You betcha!! Obama can take all that hopey changey stuff and go back to Chicago where I'm sure there's a community for him to organize! Watch that whole thing. It is truly stunning. And it's completely real. And then in true Palin fashion, or as I like to call her “Lady Blah Blah”, blamed her son's recent arrest on PTSD, which our veterans very quickly denied:

Sarah Palin’s attempt at politicizing PTSD is not sitting well with some veterans and veterans’ advocates.
While speaking to a gathering of Donald Trump supporters on Wednesday, the former Alaska
“They come back wondering if there is that respect for what it is that their fellow soldiers and airman and every other member of the military so sacrificially have given to this country,” Palin added. “And that starts from the top. … That comes from our own president. Where they have to look at him and wonder, ‘Do you know what we go through? Do you know what we’re trying to do to secure America?’”
Her remarks brought a backlash on social media.
“It’s clear her son beats women. Less clear it’s related to combat PTSD,” tweeted Brandon Friedman, the former digital media director for the Department of Veterans Affairs. “If battering his girlfriend and his reported suicide threat are related to PTSD, then it’s probably not helpful to use as a campaign prop.”

Yes. She went there. Just... I thought her 15 minutes of fame were up a long time ago. But nope. I have no idea how to end this entry so I'll just let Stephen Colbert do it, who had a lot of fun with this announcement:

I'm still laughing at the part where he tazes the part of his brain that makes him forget sentence structures!

Marco Rubio

The GOP and guns. Really, at this point I think we need a national intervention to at least get the GOP to admit that it has a gun addiction. I was in my local CVS the other day filling a prescription and I noticed that there were no less than 10, 10 different magazines relating to guns. 10!!! There aren't even that many porno magazines anymore! Even Playboy is ditching the nude content. I'm getting off track here. But at least admitting it is the first step in finding a cure for the problem. Well last week on Meet The Press, former GOP senator from Florida and current “put me in, coach” benchwarmer in the 2016 election Marco Rubio admitted to buying a gun on Christmas Eve because – and I am not making this up – he was terrified of ISIS breaking down the door of his house.

Republican presidential candidate Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) said in an interview aired Sunday that he purchased a gun on Christmas Eve to defend his family if ISIS -- or any other attackers -- were to visit his home.

Rubio told CBS "Face the Nation" host John Dickerson that he purchased the firearm on Christmas Eve because he's not in town often, but was home that day. He added that he was already a firearm holder.

"I'm a strong supporter of the second amendment. I have a right to protect my family if someone were to come after us," Rubio said. "In fact, if ISIS were to visit us, or our communities, at any moment, the last line of defense between ISIS and my family is the ability that I have to protect my family from them, or from a criminal, or anyone else who seeks to do us harm. Millions of Americans feel that way."


So... Mr. Rubio... who is trying to break into your house on Christmas Eve? Well there's one guy who I am aware of at least:

Is a foreigner? Check.
Lives in the tundra? Check.
Has a long beard? Check.
Drives a vehicle designed to move on the roughest of terrains? Check.
Has a uniquely identifiable hat and uniform? Check. Mate.

As you may have guessed, this individual's name is Kris Kring'al.

Donald Trump

Gather around ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. LGBT and gender non conformers. I hope I didn't forget anybody. Because school is in session! See, the top 10 isn't just about jokes and pointing out how insane and out of touch conservatives can be. No, we're here to educate you and fill your head full of knowledge so you can use it as a weapon against your conservative friends and relatives. Case in point – you most likely have friends, coworkers and relatives by now who are die hard Donald Trump supporters. Well this week the British Parliament had their debate on how they can ban Donald Trump from entering the UK. Well in typical British fashion the insults were flying.

LONDON -- During the three-hour debate here in Westminster Hall on whether to ban Donald Trump from the United Kingdom, many British lawmakers extended the hand of friendship.
Trump was invited to have a curry in the city of Bradford, where about a quarter of the population is Muslim, and go on a walkabout in the multi-ethnic area of Brixton, a neighborhood in south London. More than one politician invited him to come along for a visit to a mosque.
But British politicians were notably less courteous when searching for words to describe the Republican presidential front-runner, with lawmakers from across the political spectrum dishing up a dictionary’s worth of insulting names.
"An idiot," is how Gavin Newlands, a Scottish National Party politician, described Trump, despite his attempts to find more agreeable language.

Idiot? That's being too kind, good sir! You see, Donald Trump is a beligerant narcissistic egomanical sociopath with a side case of rageaholism. That's why he's the perfect choice to be America's third world dictator. Calling Donald Trump an idiot? He would just brush it off like it was nothing. In order to insult someone like Donald Trump – you have absolutely no choice but to stoop to their level. But the British Parliament is being too kind, even their insults are polite, you need a British – English translator in order to understand them!

There were some very British insults as well. If Trump were to pop into one of the many "excellent" pubs in her constituency, the Conservative member Victoria Atkins said he would likely be called a "wazzock" -- British slang for an annoying person. (The Guardian explains that “wazzock” is a mild insult that can be “used on telly without frightening your gran.") She said that banning Trump would be a disproportionate response but also said his call last month to temporarily ban Muslims from entering the the United States was “bonkers.”

A Wazzock? The Wazzocks by the way, I saw them at the Troubadour last week – awesome punk band. Well Donald Trump is very annoying but again, there's absolutely no way you can insult Der Trumpenfuror! The best way guys like Donald Trump understand insults is through imitation. You have to stoop to their level. This is how you insult a guy like Donald Trump. And say this in your best Trump voice: “I'm a winner. See? America needs winners! If I keep winning America keeps winning! I will force Mexico to build a wall and make them pay for it, I will force Apple to build their computers in America. We can't have any losers here! If you don't like it you can get the hell out! We'll make America great again!”

Or better yet, this is how you insult a narcissist like Donald Trump. I have to give mad props to the high school kids that ditched class to attend this rally and take this photo, because that takes serious balls.

And Now This:
Welcome Back Los Angeles Rams

You know the last couple of editions have ended on some major down notes – we lost both Motorhead's Lemmy and David Bowie, and on top of that we lost the Eagles' Glen Frey this week. I do love the Eagles, but we'll save the tribute for another edition. But I'm not going to let you get out of here on a down note. After all what kind of a host would that make me? Not a very good one if you ask me! If there's two things I love, it's football and cheesy 80's music. And the cheesier, the better! Well now that football has returned to my city after a 21 year absence, with a massive new stadium being planned, it's time to celebrate. And what better way to celebrate than with a cheesy 80's song honoring the Los Angeles Rams? Well this song was uncovered on Youtube last week and it's a gem. It's called “Ram It”, it was recorded at what's now Angels Stadium, and well, this line here: “If you ram it just right, you can ram it all night!” is probably a good indicator of exactly why LA hasn't had a football team for over two decades:

See you next week!

JP Morgan CEO Gets 35% Pay Raise

Even as Wall Street braces for more cuts to jobs and bonuses, JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon was paid $27 million in 2015, up from $20 million the year before, the company said Thursday.

The pay raise comes after JPMorgan announced record annual profits last week, thanks to cost-cutting that helped to offset stagnating revenue growth.

JPMorgan's board paid Dimon a $1.5 million salary, a $5 million cash bonus and $20.5 million in performance-based stock grants, the company said in a regulatory filing.

Last year, Dimon was paid a $7.4 million cash bonus and $11.1 million in stock awards. His $1.5 million salary has remained unchanged.

This year's stock grants are tied to new, three-year performance metrics. This could could help alleviate criticisms, which bubbled up last year, that Dimon's pay is not properly tied to performance.


This is why these assholes need the shit taxed out of them. We suffer, they profit.

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #11: Daddy’s Sworn Oath Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #11: Daddy’s Sworn Oath Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Now with 40% more idiocy than the leading brand of Top 10 Conservative Idiots lists! And first of all some very sad news happened when I was putting together last week’s edition. RIP David Bowie, we’ll talk about that more toward the end of the edition. But ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, LGBT and gender non conformers, strap in. This might be our most cringe-worthy edition ever. If you read this whole thing and you don’t want to put your fist through your monitor, phone/tablet, or laptop, then congratulations! You are a much stronger person than I am! I am having way too much fun with the Bundy trolls in Oregon, by the way. And what better way to start off this week’s edition than by putting up something that I mentioned briefly in last week’s edition but should get posted here. Colin Meloy of the Decemberists was busy last week sending out Bundy Erotic Fan Fiction:

So according to Jon Ritzheimer, your daddy swore an oath to the Constitution. What oath and for what? He wasn’t exactly clear on that. Well how do we start this week’s list? For one thing - you know who’s definitely not defending the Constitution? Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore (1) – who declared both the U.S. Constitution and the SCOTUS ruling on gay marriage completely null and void! And that may or may not have anything to do with his son’s arrest for marijuana possession. Next up is Congress (2) – who is about to give Volkswagen a free pass for lying to the EPA and its’ customers about the actual real-world efficiency of its’ diesel engines. In the #3 slot, Oregon militia founder Jon Ritzheimer (3) is begging people not to send the group dildos. Hey it wasn’t me! Next we have some insane religious idiots (4) to tell you about, including Ted Cruz who picked up the coveted Duck Dynasty vote, while another Republican claims that they own Jesus (really? I didn’t know he was for sale!). For the fifth slot, we go across the pond for another look at some international conservative idiots (5). This time we head to Koln (Cologne), Germany where a horrific incident that took place on New Year’s Eve at the central train station continues to get worse, and Hitler’s Mein Kampf is going back into print. To lighten the mood, we’ll also take a look at some cats that look like Hitler. Donald Trump (6) isn’t going away any time soon. Turns out that he’s got an accounting problem, and a dangerous one at that. Fox & Friends (7) accuses Obama of peeling an onion while he was making his passionate plea for gun control in America. Mike Huckabee (8) shows that he’s the classy and sensitive candidate by offering customized shooting targets for various left-wing agendas at his website. At number 9, Ben Carson humiliated an elementary school student, but let’s play a game of “guess the dummy!”. Finally, at number 10, Donald Trump’s BFF Alex Jones (10) brings the crazy extra hard when talking about his critics. And we’ll close out this list by paying tribute to the late, great David Bowie. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

Roy Moore

If you know your recent history and know it well, you know that Roy Moore is no stranger to these lists. Yes I’m talking about Alabama Chief Justice and religious douchebag bully Roy Moore, the guy who became famous back during the Bush era for refusing to remove the 10 Commandments monument outside of the Alabama court house, and it became a huge story and that case went pretty far if I remember correctly. It was even the butt of jokes on Reno 911. But getting back to current times – Roy Moore is back and he refuses to go away. After being removed from the bench once, it appears that SCOTUS rulings on gay marriage are not relevant to a guy like Roy Moore:

The chief justice of Alabama’s Supreme Court issued an administrative order on Wednesday barring state judges from issuing same-sex marriage licenses, in contravention of the broadly accepted meaning of a June 2015 U.S. Supreme Court ruling.
Chief Justice Roy Moore forbade probate judges in the state from issuing marriage licenses that violate the state’s laws prohibiting same-sex marriage, “until further decision by the Alabama Supreme Court.”
Moore argued that the U.S. Supreme Court had only explicitly struck down same-sex marriage bans in Michigan, Kentucky, Ohio and Tennessee in its landmark decision Obergefell v. Hodges, though the ruling may be interpreted to apply to other states’ bans based on precedent.

Some judges in Alabama had chosen to interpret the ruling as requiring them to issue same-sex marriage licenses, according to Moore, while others had not. Citing numerous developments since Obergefell -- including the jailing of Kim Davis, a Kentucky county clerk who made headlines last year for refusing to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples -- Moore called the present environment one of “confusion and uncertainty,” and said he hopes to address it with his administrative order.

“This disparity affects the administration of justice in this State,” he wrote.
Moore said he was choosing to act now in part because the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 8th Circuit had recently found that the Supreme Court’s Obergefell ruling did not “directly invalidate” same-sex marriage bans in that circuit, and so there were grounds at least to hear the case. The 8th Circuit, Moore said, had nonetheless upheld the ruling on the basis of precedent.
How the Alabama Supreme Court interprets the Obergefell decision is within their legal discretion to decide, according to Moore, and has “yet to be determined.”


I feel like there’s got to be an ulterior motive for Mr. Moore to just completely throw out a SCOTUS ruling that affects the entire law of the land. Like something that he doesn’t want us to know about. Something that maybe he’s using this as a distraction to get the press off his back. Something like… I don’t know? THIS????

TROY, Ala. - Just as news emerged that his son pleaded not guilty to drug charges, Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore demanded the state's probate judges don't allow gay people to marry -- yet again.
Moore made headlines last year in his efforts to block same-sex marriage in Alabama after the landmark Supreme Court ruling made it the law of the land. It appears he has not abandoned the cause.
CBS affiliate WIAT in Birmingham reports Moore issued an administrative order statewide Wednesday on marriage licenses that stated: "Until further decision by the Alabama Supreme Court, the existing orders of the Alabama Supreme Court that Alabama probate judges have a ministerial duty not to issue any marriage license contrary to the Alabama Sanctity of Marriage Amendment or the Alabama Marriage Protection Act remain in full force and effect."
It is a very similar order issued last year by Moore after Alabama's anti-same-sex marriage laws were ruled in federal court to be unconstitutional, and it's not clear what practical effect the order has had previously.

Yes!!! In an effort to distract the media from his son’s legal troubles, Roy Moore goes after gay marriage once again. Nice straw man there. Go fuck yourself Roy Moore.


If you recall around last September, a huge scandal broke when the Los Angeles Times revealed that Volkswagen cheated and lied to the EPA about the fuel standards its' diesel engines were being sold. Not only that, it was later revealed that Volkswagen had been manufacturing ways to cheat against the EPA's ultra strict fuel standards. Well if you're the average American with ADD, you most likely don't remember that because you were too busy tweeting about Justin Bieber's dick pic! Go on, try to deny that you didn't sneak a peek. You can't can you? I'll wait. But getting back to the scandal - it now appears that Congress is going to give VW a free pass on the scandal. So VW admitted that it was the fault of a "couple of rogue engineers". Sure. Right. I'll buy that one. And let's not forget that VW also admitted that it might take the company years, even decades to fix the cars it purposefully broke. This is stupefyingly dumb and evil. But oh it's about to get worse.

WASHINGTON - Volkswagen CEO Matthias Mueller will meet with the top U.S. environmental regulator next week, the highest-level talks since the German automaker admitted to using software to evade emissions requirements in 580,000 U.S. vehicles.

Mueller will meet with U.S. Environmental Protection Agency chief Gina McCarthy on Wednesday in Washington, agency spokeswoman Laura Allen said. The meeting is at the request of the German automaker, she said.

The meeting comes a week after the U.S. Justice Department filed a civil suit against VW seeking up to $48 billion in damages under the Clean Air Act.

The EPA said this week that after months of talks "recall discussions with the company have not produced an acceptable way forward. EPA continues to insist that VW develops effective, appropriate remedies as expeditiously as possible."


Yes, you read that right. The US government is seeking payment from Volkswagen for violating the Clean Air Act in $50 BILLION range. Think about it for a minute - the winner of this week's Powerball could fund 1/10th of the damages that the US government is seeking from Volkswagen. And this is where Volkswagen might get a "Get out of jail free" card from the US Government:

The combination of regulatory oversight and class-action litigation can keep companies in line. But a bill in Congress consisting of a little more than 100 words would not only prevent Kaplan from seeking justice but also cripple virtually all class-action lawsuits against corporations. It’s known as the “Fairness in Class Action Litigation Act,” but lawyers and advocates call it the “VW Bailout Bill.”

The bill, which will get a vote on the House floor in the first week of January, follows a series of steps by the judiciary to block the courthouse door on behalf of corporations. “There's no question the Supreme Court has ben moving in that direction to limit access to courts,” said Joanne Doroshow, executive director of the Center for Justice and Democracy. “But Congress has never done something like this, trying to step in and wipe out class-actions.”

The simplicity of the VW Bailout Bill belies the chaos it would create. Proponents like the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the bill’s leading lobbyist, say they merely want to get rid of “non-injury” class-action cases, based on potential damages from defective consumer products or corporate actions that have yet to result in harm. Lawyers for class-action litigants argue that defective products deserve compensation even if the consumer hasn’t yet been injured.


Yup, Congress would bail them out by inserting the "VW Bailout Bill" into the "Fairness In Class Action Litigation Act", and neither of those two things have anything to do with each other, unless you consider the fact that the latter would prevent VW owners from filing a class action lawsuit. Ain't American business grand? USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Jon Ritzheimer i

So… the Oregon militia isn’t going away any time soon. And we covered that about as extensively as it got the last edition. I noted that Jon Ritzheimer was spending a large chunk of the group’s donation money on Jack Daniels and that’s true. But the group is getting another kind of donation and it’s one that they’re not enjoying. Here’s more:

No one ever said it’s easy to take a stand against the federal government: it’s cold, there aren’t enough snacks, everyone is pissy, and a bunch of strangers won’t stop sending you hate mail and dicks.
Oregon militia organizer Jon Ritzheimer really, really fuckin’ hates Uncle Sam. But what he hates even more is all of the obscene and generally unhelpful emails and packages that strangers from around the country and Gawker are sending to his band of armchair commandos.

Armchair commandos!!! Excuse me a minute…

Gee, I wonder why Ritzheimer would be angry at the notion that he’s told to “eat a bag of dicks”? Well when you consider the laundry list of supplies that they’re requesting, you can’t help but wonder if they’re occupying a bird sanctuary or checking into the Ritz Carlton. But the leader of the Oregon militia is asking people to stop sending him and the group dildos. Come on, you can’t take a joke? Or are you guys literally just a giant bunch of dicks that the mere sight of a dildo offends you? And this is my favorite part of the whole story:

In a new Facebook post and accompanying video, Ritzheimer says he’s sick of this garbage:
It’s sad that there are people who would spend this kind of money on this rather than spending it to do good in the world. I’m done living in fear of an oppressing force. I’m going to uphold my oath to the Constitution and sleep great at night knowing that I did everything in my power to ensure what our founding fathers did for us will not be lost.

First off, Jon, you are doing absolutely nothing to “uphold the constitution”. And who are you upholding it from? And what are you upholding? It certainly isn’t people who are coming to take your land or your guns. All this is, is a giant obstruction. But then the group sees redemption with getting large amounts of rubber penises – sell them on eBay!

He takes particular issue with an enormous dildo and a “bag of dicks” that appear to be made out of candy—a form of snack, so I’m not sure what his beef is here. Militia spokesperson Maureen “Mo” Peltier echoes Ritzheimer’s disgust:
People spending money to send items representing their hate. That could have been spent on good things. Or those in need. Or something.
Billy Gober posted a genius idea, sell it back on ebay. So, keep sending stupid shit, it’s gonna turn a dime for them. Lol Economics!

Lol economics – but when you're selling a product that nobody wants to buy, then economics LOL at you. I can pretty much guarantee that nobody wants to buy certified pre-owned dildos (undergoes thorough 12 step recertification process, defects or fluids not covered by warranty), and you’ll be stuck with a huge pile of them and a huge seller listing bill from eBay.

And in even further hilarity - Max Temkin (the creator of Cards Against Humanity) sent the group a lovely 55 gallon drum of lube to go with those unwanted rubber penises (or is the plural penii? ). And I love the fact that he takes a huge issue with the candy dildos. Cue the crying baby sound effect.

Oh and then a guy who calls himself a “U.S. Superior Court Judge” from Denver has arrived in Oregon to give the group legal advice. If you guessed this guy is not a judge or has any sort of legal experience whatsoever, you are correct sir / madam! Points!

Militia and antigovernment extremists illegally occupying a federal wildlife refuge in Oregon are now pledging to form a “citizen’s grand jury” to indict and bring criminal charges against public officials and judges the occupiers accuse of committing crimes and violating the Constitution.

With such “indictments,” the extremists’ doctrine would justify their attempts to make arrests, get judgments or file liens against the targeted public officials

Bruce Doucette, a self-proclaimed “U.S. Superior Court judge” from Denver, arrived at the occupied Malheur Wildlife Refuge near Burns on Tuesday to “review evidence that public officials may have committed crimes,” the Oregonian reports.

Doucette, a 54-year-old computer repairman, told the newspaper that 25 local residents “would hear testimony and make decisions in private” before deciding whether to bring criminal charges. Those findings “would be put in writing and made public,” the newspaper reports. He didn’t say what would come next.


I’m convinced they’re just fucking with us at this point. They’re asking a guy who is a computer repairman with no legal experience to play a judge to review whether or not they would bring criminal charges against “public officials”, but really it’s just the pot calling the kettle black at this point. Just… this gets crazier and crazier by the minute. At this point it’s like watching the Dark Knight Rises after Bane takes over Gotham. You’ve got a city under siege, all roads leading into and out of are cut off, no supplies or aid can get in or out, they're building their own infrastructure, they've got a batshit crazy megalomaniac with no demands and thinks he owns everything, and now they’ve got their own Dr. Crane staging their own mock trials against officials who they deem corrupt. Exile or death?

Religious Idiots

That's Ted Cruz appearing in a commercial and getting in an endorsement from everyone's favorite backwoods, gun-toting bearded religious sociopath Phil Robertson. I thought that Duck Dynasty shit went off the air years ago, and do people even still buy their garbage merchandise? So with the election season heating up, and Super Tuesday not too far away, Birther II: Electric Boogaloo featuring Ted Cruz is in full swing, and don't worry, we'll cover that in full next week. But that is quite possibly the most bizarre campaign ad that I've seen since Herman Cain's famous smoking guy ad. And that's saying a lot.

Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson is a racist homophobe who has advocated marrying 15-year-old girls. He is also, per the title of the YouTube embedded above, a “Cruz Commander,” which means that Robertson has officially endorsed Sen. Ted Cruz for President.
For a brief period, Robertson was the national face of self-righteous hatred (now often referred to as “religious freedom”). In 2013, after his comments to Drew Magary in GQ about the deviance of gays and their anus-loving ways scandalized liberals, A&E suspended Robertson from Duck Dynasty, only to reinstate him nine days later. By then, bigots like Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee had decried A&E’s decision to turn its back on someone who was merely, to hear them spin it, exercising his freedom of speech. Thus Duck Dynasty became the new Chick-Fil-A.

As I noted in the previous edition, if there’s one thing that America’s religious fundamentalists are gifted at, it’s knowing when to shoot their mouth off and say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Really, it’s almost uncanny how good they are at this, and people like Phil Robertson definitely know how to show their sensitive side. It’s like they speak in code. Like they just have no idea that what they’re saying is completely insensitive or not. And then there’s this guy:


... in which Brat expressed his anger that Obama cited Christian teachings when he criticized Republicans for their attempts to block the resettlement of Syrian refugees in the U.S.

The president, Brat said, “is using the Christian tradition and trying to bring about compassion by bonking Republicans over the head with the Bible. It’s almost a comedy routine on what compassion and love is. He’s mocking his enemies in order to compel a larger federal state using the tradition of love.”

He said that the conservative movement “needs to reeducate its people that we own the entire tradition” of Christian love, because liberal professors “have rejected natural law” and religious ideas.

Really? I didn’t know religion was for sale! How can one side say that they own religion when really they don’t? This is just the epitome of what Bill Maher was talking about a few months ago when he said that he can’t figure out who is attacking religion exactly. Maybe it’s people like this guy who are the ones actually attacking religion. Can I get that monologue please?

German Idiots

So how was your New Year’s Eve? Did you have a good time? What did you do? Did you take in a concert or perhaps a sporting event like football or basketball? Did you go to the local bar scene or a party? Maybe you just simply stayed at home. Regardless I hope you spent the new year ringing it in and enjoying yourself no matter which way you chose to enjoy it. But I’ll tell you didn’t ring in a good 2016 and that’s Köln, Germany. New Year’s was almost two weeks ago, but the city is still reeling from a series of absolutely horrific sexual assaults that took place on New Year’s Eve, that were aimed specifically at the city’s college girl population. And the police there providing zero answers. Actually the police there are probably a negative number of answers. The city is fuming, and there’s no investigations. The only thing they’ve been able to determine is that the attack appears to be planned.

Cologne mass sex assaults appear planned, co-ordinated, German justice minister says


German authorities need to quickly determine whether a string of New Year's Eve sexual assaults and robberies in Cologne blamed largely on foreigners may be linked to similar offences in other cities, the justice minister said in comments published Sunday.

Authorities and witnesses say the attackers were among about 1,000 people, mostly men, gathered at Cologne's central train station, some of whom broke off into small groups that groped and robbed women.

"If such a horde gathers in order to commit crimes, that appears in some form to be planned," Justice Minister Heiko Maas told the newspaper Bild. "Nobody can tell me that this was not co-ordinated or prepared."

The attacks are still being investigated, but police have said their focus is on suspects of primarily North African origin, which has put pressure on Chancellor Angela Merkel's government and its open-door policy to asylum seekers. Nearly 1.1 million refugees and migrants arrived in Germany in 2015 alone.

But who planned it and what were the planners trying to accomplish? This raises many questions. It appears to have been started by an Arab extremist group called “Taharrush”. So naturally where does the blame shift? To Syrian refugees. But this explains exactly who the target is that the Cologne police can't seem to identify:


When the first incidents of women being assaulted by crowds of Arab men came out of Cologne, Germany, during New Years Eve, the news was being suppressed. Realisation it seems has now dawned and the German Federal Criminal Police Office, BKA, says that the alleged Arab rape game Taharrush is now in Europe. Yes, a disgusting game, brought to Europe by the hordes of ‘refugees’ seeking asylum.

Additional reports from Germany say that similar incidents have occurred in Berlin, Hamburg, Bielefeld, Frankfurt, Dusseldorf and Stuttgart. But it’s not only Germany that is suffering; other European nations such as Austria and Switzerland have also reported similar cases. According to Holger Munch of the BKA, attacks can range from stealing belongings, to groping and even rape. The women who have come out and reported these incidents tell of the horror they have gone through.

Holy. Shit. But that doesn't make sense out of what happened on New Year's Eve, and it might take months or years to properly sort out this mess. But the German right wing is only making things worse.

Police in Germany will have to rethink their tactics following attacks on women in the city of Cologne on New Year's Eve, a senior official has said.

Ralf Jaeger, interior minister for North Rhine-Westphalia, said police had to "adjust" to the fact that groups of men had attacked women en masse.

Mr Jaeger also warned that anti-immigrant groups were trying to use the attacks to stir up hatred against refugees.

"What happens on the right-wing platforms and in chat rooms is at least as awful as the acts of those assaulting the women," he said. "This is poisoning the climate of our society."


Yup, the right wing is only making things worse. Add to the fact that Mein Kampf is heading back into circulation after a long absence, and you’ve got a toxic storm brewing. I know… kittens! Everybody likes cute kittens don’t they? Let’s talk about cute cats for the rest of this entry. Specifically – cats that comedically look like Adolf Hitler.

Faulty gene causes irregular distribution of pigment cells in fur, scientists establish; may help explain process of congenital defects in humans

The Internet is full of pictures of Kitlers – cats unfortunate enough to have a black and white pattern on their furs vaguely resembling the facial hair of the leader of Nazi Germany.

A new study suggests that the feline führers’ coat is determined by a faulty gene determining their pattern still in the womb of mother cat.

Called piebald, the pattern – typically a distribution of two colors on an animal’s coat of fur – occurs when pigment cells fail to follow genetic “instructions” at a very early stage of development.

According to a report on the study in the UK paper Independent, scientists hope that the study on how piebald animals develop can shed light on some congenital medical conditions affecting humans, like holes in the heart, also caused by problems relating to cell movements in the womb.


Heil Kitler!!!

Donald Trump

So in Idiots #7, I noted that Donald Trump wants to be BFFs with Vladimir Putin. And that attracted a strange bedfellow of admirers including Neo Nazis and Infowars. Well now Der Trumpenfuror wants to be BFFs with another guy and that's North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. That's right, you read that correctly:

Republican primary front-runner Donald Trump says North Korean communist dictator Kim Jong-un deserves “credit” for the cutthroat efficiency with which he disposes of his political foes.

“If you look at North Korea, this guy, he’s like a maniac, OK?” Trump said at a rally in Ottumwa, Iowa, on Saturday.

“And you’ve got to give him credit: How many young guys — he was like 26 or 25 when his father died — take over these tough generals and all of a sudden, you know, it’s pretty amazing when you think of it. How does he do that?” he added.

“Even though it is a culture, and it’s a culture thing, he goes in, he takes over, he’s the boss. It’s incredible.”


Yes, Kim Jong Un is Donald Trump's new BFF, and Donald Trump hopes to take out his rivals when the time comes for the RNC, just like his new BFF! In other stranger Trump news, the Furor denounced American football players as "being too soft":

During a Sunday campaign rally in Nevada, Donald Trump lamented to the crowd that football has "become soft," comparing changes in the sport to the United States.

The Republican presidential candidate complained about the number of flags thrown by referees after certain tackles.

"Football has become soft. Football has become soft. Now, I’ll be criticized for that. They’ll say, ‘Oh, isn’t that terrible.’ But football has become soft like our country has become soft," Trump said.

“It’s become weak and you know what? It’s going to affect the NFL. I don’t even watch it as much anymore," he continued.


I'd like to see Donald Trump locked in a room with Cam Newton or Adrian Peterson and see what happens.

And it turns out that Trump's got an accounting problem and one that could be very dangerous for the RNC:

Outside the venue, city officials are concerned after learning the Trump campaign issued far more free tickets than there are available seats. As of midday Wednesday, police said the campaign had distributed about 20,000.

“I wonder if the Trump campaign took into account the safety of the police officers who have to contend with large, dissatisfied crowds,” Burlington Police Chief Brandon del Pozo said. “This situation would place police officers in needless confrontations with citizenry.”

Del Pozo said the fact that the event provides residents the opportunity to listen to a major political candidate is the only reason police are allowing Trump to speak as scheduled.

“If Phish was holding a free concert at the Flynn and gave away 20,000 free tickets, we would cancel the event out of public safety concerns,” the chief said. “We are committed to accommodating the campaign because political speech is the very essence of the First Amendment.”


Trump Math: 20,000 tickets for a venue that supports 1,400. And this is the guy we want handling the federal deficit? "Math is for losers and counting is for even bigger losers. We need people who will win like me! Let's make America great again!"

And in even stranger Trump news - Der Trumpenfuror is getting some help from who else? A white nationalist super PAC robodialing for Trump votes in Iowa!

A white nationalist super PAC robocalled registered voters in Iowa urging them to turn out for Donald Trump in the 2016 election.

Talking Points Memo said the voice on the call that rang Iowan households Saturday belongs to Jared Taylor, founder of the white supremacist magazine American Renaissance.

"I urge you to vote for Donald Trump because he is the one candidate who points out that we should accept immigrants who are good for America," Taylor said. "We don't need Muslims. We need smart, well-educated white people who will assimilate to our culture. Vote Trump."


Can we get some Nazi Punks Fuck Off please?

Fox & Friends

Sandy Hook. No, there's absolutely no punchline or anything I can say to make this terrible tragedy funny. Sorry Infowars, but the murder of 20 school kids and 6 staff members is nothing to joke about. But there is Fox & Friends. That show you watch when your favorite hockey team loses 4 - 3 in a shootout and you need something to make you feel better about yourself because the post game commentary isn't fucking helping. Well you may remember shortly after the new year began that Obama made a passionate plea for Congress to do something about gun control, or he would, and even invited victims of the Sandy Hook tragedy to witness his speech. That speech brought tears. Well, the idiots on Fox & Friends won't have any of it. In fact - they not only think Obama was faking it, that he was manipulating it. Here's more:

Anyone who watched Barack Obama break into tears as he spoke of the 20 children and six adults murdered at Sandy Hook Elementary can tell that the President is a man who truly feels for the victims of gun violence — anyone, that is, who doesn’t work for Fox News.

After the President’s announcement that he would be doing what Congress is unwilling to do — expanding background check and gun safety regulations, including closing the “gun show loophole” (all sensible measures) — the hosts of Outnumbered pounced on the President’s plan, arguing that he was violating the separation of powers doctrine. What really bothered them, however, was the idea that a human being is capable of showing emotion that is not fake. And so begins Onionghazi, brought to you by our friends at Fox News.

“What was really upsetting was the tears that he wiped away again and again,” Melissa Francis said. “You want that for — I mean, we feel frightened about what’s going on with ISIS. And he can’t pull that kind of passion for anything about this.” She added that she feels “bad about those kids” in Newtown, but claimed it’s “only about this that he gets so upset about.”


Yeah Obama faked the emotion that surrounded having the parents of murdered children in his presence. I mean come on, he's only trying to display these new things called "compassion", "humanity", and "dignity" that certain former presidents *COUGH* Bush *COUGH* lacked. Excuse me a minute...

Mike Huckabee

In case you haven't forgot, at the end of 2015, we had three horrific mass shootings - one at the Bataclan in Paris, one at a Planned Parenthood facility in Colorado, and one at a mental health facility in San Bernardino, California. Now... when you're running for president, how do you make a joke while pandering to your base? Well if there's two things that Mike Huckabee knows and knows well - (1) comedic timing, and (2) guns. And Mike Huckabee definitely doesn't know how to present his sensitive side, and I don't think he cares to judging from this latest offering. He and Ted Cruz are competing to be the more godly candidate for the election, and we all know how badly Cruz wants the Jesus vote, Huckabee would make an excellent running mate for the American Taliban card. So how does Mike Huckabee present his sensitive side? Here's exhibit A:

"Basically President Obama told law-abiding gun owners, 'if you like your gun, you can keep your gun.' We've heard that lie before when he promised 'if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.' I will fight until my dying breath to protect the 2nd Amendment.

While the President may want to take your guns, my idea of 'gun control' is hitting your target. So before you pull the trigger, aim your sights on the ObamaCare nightmare, the Common Core disaster, or our 75,000 page tax code monstrosity.

"Americans should go out and by a new gun – and to improve their accuracy they can take aim at Washington stupidity, blow holes in ridiculous government programs and shred our unfair tax code with a customized shooting target."

Read more: http://blog.4president.org/2016/2016/01/mike-huckabee-campaign-announces-customized-shooting-targets-for-sale.html

Yeah so that is a brilliant idea. At a time when mass shootings and public paranoia are at all time highs, Mike Huckabee is actively encouraging Americans to go out and buy more guns. Because... protection. He'll even provide you with some hilarious (sarcasm) targets so you can take your frustrations out on left wing agendas. Like this one:

Ben Carson

So Ben Carson… we can all agree is pretty much the worst, right? While all the candidates in Iowa are heading there for the upcoming primary elections, Ben Carson made this campaign stop in Cedar Rapids. Once again, I’m reminded that Republicans have zero sense of humor. What started out as a joke, ended up completely humiliating one student, who everyone pointed to as being the dumbest person in the room. And yes, in case you were wondering, that’s Ben Carson asking students to point out the dumbest human being in the room. Ben Carson, the guy who said the ancient Egyptian pyramids were just grain silos and confused Middle Eastern terrorist group Hammas with Middle Eastern chick pea dip Hummus asking students to point out the dumbest person in the room.

Ben Carson gave a speech at the Isaac Newton Christian School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa this morning and ended up viciously embarrassing at least one poor student. Timothy Meinch of the Des Moines Register was live tweeting the speech:
. . . .
Intended to be a joke or not, this was joke ended up being wildly cruel to one poor student. Many parents were on hand for the speech and you have to think Carson didn’t win any votes with his thoughtless question and subsequent remarks. Perhaps moderators can pose the question to Republican candidates at the next debate—who’s the dumbest candidate on the stage?


That’s Ben Carson asking to point out the dumbest person in the room. Ben Carson asking to point out the dumbest person in the room. Ben Carson asking to point out the dumbest person in the room. No matter how many times I say it, it’s still weird. The fact that all fingers didn’t point immediately to him is very troubling, to say the least.

Hey everybody, I know! Let’s all point out the dumbest human being in this picture, shall we?

It can’t be done, can it? It simply can’t!

Alex Jones

You know the 10th slot on this list can be used for just about anything. You know there’s lots of stuff we could be talking about like El Chapo contacting Sean Penn for an interview, or Justin Beiber desecrating sacred Mayan ruins (and believe me, I really, really wanted do this one, but I'll spare you a Bieber-free Idiots list for now!). But instead, I am devoted to bringing the crazy extra hard for number 10 in every issue. And who does it better than Donald Trump’s BFF and rejected Gary Shandling look alike Alex Jones? So it turns out that everybody’s favorite batshit crazy conspiracy theorist who frequently denies that he is one, has found out his critics’ dastardly plan! It appears that secret “life extension technology” does exist and that Mr. Jones has proof of its’ existence!

The jig is up! InfoWars broadcaster Alex Jones has finally uncovered the real reason groups like Right Wing Watch and Media Matters have been writing about his insane conspiracy theories, and as you have probably already guessed, it’s in order to acquire secret “life-extension technology” and room in the “off-world colonies” that the global elites are creating.
Jones, who has previously warned that liberals are “demonic villains” who are “going to kill everybody,” went on to refer to RWW and Media Matters employees as “pieces of crap” and “idiots.”
We just hope that Jones doesn’t tell Donald Trump, who has touted Jones’ “amazing” reputation, about our plans.
- See more at: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/alex-jones-my-critics-just-want-spot-global-elites-world-colonies#sthash.oUNhZyQ5.0jgLQDqn.dpuf

So my question is – where are these “off world colonies” and how can I join this dastardly plot? And life extension technology? Does that even exist? You know that Elysium was just a movie, right, Alex?

And then – I love this shit – he actually goes on to say that we’re aliens, and that “liberal elites are aliens who hate humans” and “want to become gods”. Oh really? Where does this god technology exist? On the realm of Asguard? If so where do we get transported to Asguard? Because that sounds wonderful! Although if you saw Thor: The Dark World, even Asguardians are mortal so there is that to deal with.

Why am I reminded of that scene from Wayne's World where Wayne is holding up cards that say "Get a load of this guy?". Hey Alex, I want the number of your weed dealer because whatever it is you’re smoking must be some strong shit.

And Now This:
RIP David Bowie

You know this is a tremendously sad time in the music world. Over the holidays we lost two of the greats – Stone Temple Pilots’ Scott Weiland to a drug overdose, and Motorhead’s Lemmy Kilmeister to cancer. And now since death seems to come in threes, it’s sad that the third person on this list is the great David Bowie. My first exposure to Bowie's music was the Trent Reznor collaboration "I'm Afraid Of Americans" which is still brilliant. Sadly as a concert goer one that I never got to see live but always wanted to was David Bowie. You know he’s created a ton of great music over the years and it’s sad that he will no longer be among the living. You could take any number of great songs or albums that he’s done – The Man Who Sold The World, Under Pressure, Starman, Space Oddity, Fame, Suffragette City, Heroes, Low, Aladdin Sane, Scary Monsters, Outside, I’m Afraid Of Americans… even his new album Blackstar is amazing. I seriously get chills listening to the song “Lazarus” now that David Bowie is no longer with us (if you listen to that song and you don't, you have no soul). I could go on and on. So here’s my tribute to David Bowie – and you might be expecting me to post some random clip of a song, but you know what? I’m not going to do that. And posting your bad cover song or poorly recorded cell phone video of “Space Oddity” – not a tribute! It will have been done ad nauseum by now. Instead – I’m going to post what I think is arguably one of the coolest advertisements I’ve seen in recent memory, and that’s a really awesome commercial that Google did a couple of years ago where they have the Muppets performing the Queen + David Bowie classic song “Under Pressure”. Enjoy!

See you next week!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10: Tarp Man (Or: The Unexpected Virtue Of Cowardice) Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10: Tarp Man (Or: The Unexpected Virtue Of Cowardice) Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! And this is our 10th edition! So I ask conservatives “how do you like them apples?”. Me? I like mine preferably sliced and served in some kind of pie crust with filling, topped with a mixture of bread crumbs and brown sugar, then warmed and served with a giant scoop of ice cream. Because I am a huge fan of ultra high calorie deserts. Whew, this is a marathon edition here, folks! It's almost two editions in one because there was so much idiocy this week! So much that it was almost impossible to capture this week's edition in 10 short entries so we'll do our best! And yes to the grammar Nazis out there, I do realize that I used an over-abundance of exclamation points. To recap last week – we called Donald Trump out on his ties to a potentially dangerous cocktail of supporters including Neo Nazis and Infowars, caught Ted Cruz in a logic fail, took a look at some batshit crazy religious idiots, saw Mattel encourage kids to experiment on animals, and paid tribute to Motorhead's late founder Lemmy Kilmeister. To start this edition, this one image very perfectly captures the madness of this whole thing in one very simple picture:

You know why I do these, folks? Because the holidays may be long gone, but conservative idiocy is the gift that keeps on giving all year around. After putting together last week's edition, I had an entirely different idea for this weeks but it got tossed out the window. Why? Because just after the new year began, a group of armed Christian militants led by the son of everyone's favorite gun slinging rancher and discount Clint Eastwood character Cliven Bundy took over an abandoned bird sancutary in Oregon because... reasons. And Jesus. So with that we're going to devote the top 2 slots to Ammon Bundy (1, 2) and take a look at what makes that militia tick. There is a lot of ground to cover on the first two entries so bare with us. But there is also a lot of stupidity associated with this mess. Meanwhile, CNN (3) is giving an absolutely shocking and in no way at all racist meme as to why the members of the "militia" shouldn't be made to serve time. In non Oregon news, Ted Cruz (4) once again makes an appearance and this time he's very badly trying to win God's approval in the 2016 election. Donald Trump (5) appears in a terrorist recruitment video, for a real terrorist group. At number six, Marco Rubio (6) is shocked when he's labeled a bigot for opposing LGBT rights. Who would have guessed? In the seventh slot, just when you thought Josh Duggar's woes were over, along comes Hobby Lobby and Bill Gothard (7) who are only making things worse. Next, Carly Fiorina (8) manages to do one thing you should never do when your alma matter is in a crucial game and that's pander to the other team! In SCOTUS news, Emperor Palpatine, er, Antonin Scalia (9) is back and wants to cram something down your throat, and you're not going to like it. Finally to cap this edition, we've got another new feature for you here in the Top 10. We're going to take a look at some real-life, every day Trump supporters (10), and we go to Tennessee for this one. This is one of those "you can't make this shit up" types of stories. So let's get right down to it, shall we? Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!

Ammon Bundy

Red Dawn 1984 – the Soviet Empire takes over an American city which causes a group of city kids to stage a resistance to the terrorists, take up arms, and fight their way back because that's what any red blooded American would do! Red Dawn 2016 – a group of heavily armed American citizens, angry at the government which they think abondoned them, decide to fight back against a corrupt establishment by occupying an abandoned bird sanctuary for an extended period of time, because... that's what... any red blooded American... would do? If you think the latter movie sounds absolutely ridiculous, well, I got news for you – this ain't a movie. This actually happened!

A group of anti-government militia members have occupied the headquarters and visitors center of Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Harney County, Ore., apparently seeking to provoke a standoff with the federal government.
Several of the right-wing militia members are sons of Cliven Bundy, a Nevada cattle rancher whose fight with the U.S. Bureau of Land Management sparked an armed confrontation with federal officials in 2014.
Militia members have been traveling to the town of Burns, Ore. in recent weeks in support of Harney County rancher Dwight Hammond, Jr. and his son Steven Hammond, who in 2012 were convicted of arson for setting fires on federal land where they had poached deer. (The wildfires burned 139 acres of Bureau of Land Management property in 2001.)
In October, a federal judge sentenced the pair to five years in prison.

So the reasons for occupying the bird sanctuary were Jesus, and... um... yeah let's just go with Jesus for this one. But were they armed or not armed? Most of the reports say “armed” at this point. But there's some saying “not armed”:

Oregon militants in high spirits, ready for long wait at refuge, supporter says
by Noelle Crombie * Jan. 3, 2016 * The Oregonian (Oregonlive.com)

A 42-year-old Washington woman who has met twice this weekend with men occupying the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge headquarters said the group's spirits are high and they are prepared to remain in the eastern Oregon outpost for "many years."

Maureen Peltier, a disabled veteran, staff sergeant with the Washington Army National Guard and a member of the so-called patriot movement, traveled from her home in Bonny Lake to Burns this weekend to take part in Saturday's protest of the federal government's criminal case against a pair of Harney County ranchers. By Saturday night, leaders of the protest effort had taken over a facility at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge.

Peltier said she met with several protesters at the gate to the refuge then later at a Burns hotel. She posted about the encounters on Facebook, saying the group is "doing very well."


But then here's the count where it says that they're absolutely armed and that they're in it for the long haul – even if it means death. This is where it gets weird, folks:

‘I didn’t come here to shoot, I came here to die’: Oregon militia occupiers fess up to local reporters
Writing for OPB, Amanda Peacher stated that early estimates of 150 occupiers are wildly inflated, saying, “only a few dozen men are occupying the federal building.”

According to Peacher, federal employees were advised to stay clear of the refuge, in a memo that read: “Our top concern is employee safety. All employees are accounted for, and the Refuge will be closed until further notice. Employees of all land management agencies in the area will operate from alternate worksites, telework, or administrative leave.”

Outside of the refuge, she interviewed one militia member — identifying himself only as “Capt. Moroni” — who told her, “I didn’t come here to shoot, I came here to die


So how does this end? First off, that Capt. Moroni, should drop the "i" from his name. Well it could either end violently or not violently. Do they have guns or do they not have guns? We may not know without more details. We could play a game of Mad Libs here but I don't have enough room for this entry.

Oh and by the way – if you haven't checked out Twitter regarding this matter, you might want to – there’s a lot of good stuff happening there right now. I fucking love Twitter for this sort of thing – the "militia" is getting trolled and trolled hard. There’s everything from creative nicknaming going on to video parodies of the "Daddy’s Sworn Oath" video, creative memes and lots more that there isn't enough room to post here. And I do have to mention the Decemberists - I love this band, and the group's lead singer Colin Meloy has been trolling the group extensively hard.

Ammon Bundy

This entire occupation was very poorly planned. If they're going to be "in it for the long haul" like they claimed in the last entry, they forgot to bring some shit with them, like crucial supplies like snacks and working toilets.

On Thursday Blaine Cooper, one of the anti-government terrorists who is participating in the armed takeover of a bird sanctuary in Oregon, put out a call for snacks on social media.
According to the terrorist group, now known as Ya’llQueda, the armed militants decided to seize the more than 100 year old wildlife refuge because it is a symbol of everything that is wrong in America, such as not being able to set fire to public lands, turn your freeloading cattle loose to feed off American taxpayers, or even ride your ATV through ancient archaeological sites, the way, according to Ammon Bundy “we used to could do.”
The Malheur National Wildlife Refuge was established in 1908. ATV’s came on the market in the U.S. in the 1960’s. The stupidity of right wing extremism is timeless.
In case you needed more proof that this is the dumbest armed takeover of a bird sanctuary EVER, the anti-government terrorists who told America that they plan to stay holed up inside the visitor’s building of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge “for as long as it takes,” even “for years,” are asking people to send snacks.

First off - Y'allqaeda... Excuse me a minute!

Second - this is very ironic. They're asking for *YOUR* donations and they want them sent by a public U.S. government agency while they're trolling the U.S. government. Does Ammon not understand the concept of irony? Apparently not. This whole thing is so completely bizarre and off the wall that it raises many questions. Like “Who is Ammon Bundy”? What do they want to accomplish? How did this whole thing get started? Well allow the AP to explain who they are and what they want:


POSTED: SUNDAY, JANUARY 3, 2016 2:14 PM | UPDATED: 2:34 PM, SUN JAN 3, 2016.
BURNS, Ore. (AP) — Armed protesters are occupying a building at a national wildlife refuge in Oregon and asking militia members around the country to join them. The protesters went to Malheur National Wildlife Refuge on Saturday after a peaceful rally in support of two Oregon ranchers facing additional prison time for arson.

How did the situation begin?

Tension has been building for weeks in the Burns, Oregon, area over the case of Dwight and Steven Hammond. Dwight Hammond, 73, and Steven Hammond, 46, said they lit fires on federal land in 2001 and 2006 to reduce the growth of invasive plants and protect their property from wildfires. The two were convicted three years ago and served time: the father three months, the son one year. But in October, a federal judge in Oregon ruled their terms were too short under U.S. law and ordered them back to prison for about four years each.

Who is leading the protesters?

The Hammonds have received support from local residents, but the most vocal groups are from outside the area. Ammon Bundy, the son of Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy, who was involved in a standoff with the government over grazing rights, is among those organizing the opposition at the wildlife refuge. Ammon Bundy and militiamen from other states arrived last month in Burns, some 60 miles from the Hammond ranch. Ammon Bundy has criticized the U.S. government for what he called a failed legal process.

You need a huge flow chart to explain this thing. It’s a clusterfuck in the truest definition. Ammon Bundy could have easily filled all 10 slots this week. So the owners of the property in question are Dwight and Steven Hammond. And they were the ones who led the charge into the Malheur Sanctuary. And that's when Ammon Bundy got involved and things escalated out of control. Which usually tends to happen when someone with the last name of Bundy gets involved in something, doesn't it? And where is the GOP on this issue? If you answered “oddly silent”, you are once again correct sir/madam!

Republican presidential candidates are staying mum as an armed group has taken over part of a national wildlife refuge in rural Oregon — even those who supported the father of at least one of its leaders, who had his own standoff with the government in 2014, and have called for limits on federal control over Western land.

Some of the issues involved in the standoff — Constitutional rights, allegations of federal government overreach and individual liberties — have come to the fore in the GOP primary race. And as Western states are poised to play a larger role in the contest, so has the issue of property rights in a region where the federal government controls about half of the land.

But few candidates seemed willing to wade into any of these issues Sunday as the leaders of the group said they are standing up against government overreach and are prepared to remain there for “as long as it takes.” The group said it is protesting the case of two Oregon ranchers who were convicted of arson in 2012 and are scheduled to report to federal prison Monday. The ranchers were convicted on a broad terrorism charge. Many ranchers and land users in the West lease public land.

The effort is being led by at least one son of Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy, who had an armed standoff with the government in 2014 over land rights. Bundy was criticized for making racially charged remarks, leading many politicians to back away from him.


This is so bizarre that even the GOP – the base of the Cliven Bundies of the word – is remaining oddly silent on the issue especially with a major primary coming up. Be afraid, folks, be extremely afraid.

But even the LDS Church - the LDS CHURCH!!! They are condemning this conflict while saying that it should be resolved peacefully and without incident.

LDS Church: Oregon Militia Takeover Not 'Justified On A Scriptural Basis'

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints came out against the militant takeover of a federal building in rural, eastern Oregon in a statement issued Monday.

"Church leaders strongly condemn the armed seizure of the facility and are deeply troubled by the reports that those who have seized the facility suggest that they are doing so based on scriptural principles," the Mormon Church's statement read. "This armed occupation can in no way be justified on a scriptural basis."

Ammon Bundy, son of infamous Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy, said in a video published Friday that "the Lord was not pleased with what was happening to the Hammonds," referring to the two Oregon ranchers facing prison time for arson.

Bundy and other armed militants, who are not all from Oregon, have holed up since Saturday at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge near Burns, Oregon. They've said they will occupy the space for years, if necessary.

The church's statement urged "peaceful means" to end the conflict.

who have seized the facility suggest that they are doing so based on scriptural principles," the Mormon Church's


There you have it. The LDS Church - one of the more ultra conservative groups in the country, is now officially more liberal than these dipshits. The more this story goes down the wormhole, the stranger and scarier it gets. Just like going through a real life wormhole. Just ask Neil DeGrasse Tyson. It's science.

But it did have a peaceful ending - sort of - the Hammonds turned themselves in, but the protestors remain. We shall see what happens. And in case you were wondering, yes, Ammon Bundy did compare himself to Rosa Parks, because you know, they're both hardcore rebels who are standing up for unjust laws, yo!

Bundy also wants federally owned land in Harney County returned to the people who live there, saying his group was sifting through property records to find instances of federal officials seizing land from private owners.
Earlier Wednesday, Bundy compared the ranchers' occupation of the refuge to the civil rights battle waged by Rosa Parks.
"We are doing the same thing as Rosa Parks did," Bundy tweeted. "We are standing up against bad laws which dehumanize us and destroy our freedom."

CNN And More Insane Bundy Madness

Like I said, Ammon Bundy and the Malhuer Militia (by the way, how great would that jazz trio be? ) could have easily filled all 10 slots. And there’s so much that it’s spilled over into the third slot and we’re going to leave it there for this week. So this whole Malheur mess has attracted a lot of attention. And as you may have guessed it's mostly negative. Especially when you compare this insane gun nut movement to something that's trying to enact peaceful change in a positive way, like Black Lives Matter. Then there's CNN's "law enforcement analyst" Art Roderick, who said that the Malheur occupants didn't need to be treated in the same manner that BLM were being treated because it was "in a rural area" and they weren't "looting property". Excuse me??? When has BLM *EVER* looted property or destroyed anything?

Roderick told CNN host Brian Stelter on Sunday that law enforcement should not react with force to end the militia’s occupation of the federal building.
“The last thing we need is some type of large confrontation because that’s when stuff goes bad,” Roderick explained. “And I think in this particular instance, if we just wait them out, see what they’ve got to say, then eventually, they’re all going to go home.”
Stelter pointed out that many activists had complained if the militia members were “Black Lives Matter protesters or if these were peaceful Muslim Americans they would be treated very differently by law enforcement.”
“This is a very rural area,” Roderick replied. “It is out in the middle of nowhere. What are they actually doing? They’re not destroying property, they’re not looting anything.”
“I mean, there’s a whole separate situation going on as to exactly why they’re there and that will be worked out through the legal process,” he continued. “But I think now that they’ve taken over this location out at the fish and wildlife, this brings in the federal side. And I know the federal government has learned over the years how to deal with these types of incidences.”

Excuse me a minute...

The group itself though, which I am now calling by my own name of "The Hillbilly Beatles", might be suffering from its' own intenral problems and may implode very quickly. And how did the group spend their donation money? If you guessed “on Jack Daniels”, you are once again correct sir/madam! As Chris Hardwick would say, you get points!

The week-long Oregon standoff at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, already the butt of many jokes, is already falling apart due to infighting between group members.
According to a Facebook video that he has since removed from his profile, Cai Irvin, one of the gunmen holding down the federal bird sanctuary, claimed that one of the “patriots” walked off the camp to stay in a hotel and drink away the donations he raked in to be part of the insurgency.
The man in question is identified as Joe O’Shaugnessy, otherwise known as “Capt. O,” allegedly a member of the Arizona militia. Capt. O had been arguing with others at the occupation and ended up checking into a motel room Wednesday night where other pseudo-supporters have been staying.
Infamous anti-Muslim organizer and fellow Arizonan militant John Ritzheimer, also present in Oregon for the standoff, went over to the motel to confirm O’Shaugnessy’s desertion. Ritzheimer found him drinking alcohol paid for with the donations given to him by fellow “patriots” wishing to support the effort, according to disabled National Guard member and group spokesperson Maureen Peltier.
“Ritzheimer did call me – he’s fucking pissed, he’s mad, he’s upset. He told me to tell all of you that Joe O’Shaugnessy is a deserter and a coward,” Irvin said.

Yes – John Ritzheimer was caught drinking away the donation money that was given to this group. John Ritzheimer, the guy who made the video that’s been the butt of the jokes on various social media services and was even shown on @midnight this week. This just gets better and better. And with that out of the way, even our nation's lawmakers want in on the action.

GOP Lawmaker Asks How He Can Support Bundy's Militia Effort In Oregon

Tennessee state Rep. Andy Holt (R) asked on Twitter early Monday morning how he could support the armed gunmen who have taken over a federal building in rural Oregon under the leadership of Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy's son, Ammon.

Holt asked, "Where can I send support for your effort?" in a tweet sent just after midnight, which has since been deleted:


There you have it. That's a Tennessee state representative wanting to join in on the fight against the government by sending support to the Malheur occupiers.

Ted Cruz

So Ted Cruz wants the Jesus vote for the 2016 election. And he wants it bad, folks. So much that he's vying to become king pastor of Jesusland. As if that's a thing. If you recall back in 2015, he launched his campaign at uber-Christian Liberty University. Now he wants to “awaken the body of Christ”. I am not a religious man, so I have no idea what this means, or how he wants to go about accomplishing this. But this is the type of insanity that we're going to be facing in the election year, folks.

Many Republicans once thought of George W. Bush as the son of God and now Senator Ted Cruz is running for the same title. In a Breitbart article, the Texas Senator told supporters that he wants to awaken the body of Christ to win the White House.
“If we awaken and energize the body of Christ– if Christians and people of faith come out and vote our values– we will win and we will turn the country around,” Cruz told volunteers on a conference call Tuesday.
Cruz also said that he is organizing a coalition of pastors in early states including Iowa and South Carolina. “We’re working to have a lead pastor in each of the 99 counties in Iowa, 99 pastors are organizing other pastors,” Cruz said.
“We’re doing the same thing in South Carolina, organizing pastors in 46 counties to motivate and organize other pastors.” Cruz warned that, as the election nears, the attacks on his campaign will become more vicious. “I want to tell everyone to get ready, strap on the full armor of God, get ready for the attacks that are coming,” he warned. “Come the month of January we ain’t seen nothing yet.”

Yes, Ted Cruz wants the Jesus vote so bad that he is actively seeking out the same people who thought that George W. Bush was the son of God. Wait a minute – does that make George H.W. Bush god, or does that make Prescott Bush god? And if George W. is the son of God, who does God speak for? So many questions! And I always make fun of conservatives for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, but you know who says the right thing at the right time? Is South Park. And how funny is it that an episode they did 10 years ago still rings true!

Donald Trump

Recruitment videos. Those things that colleges send out in order to get their Z-grade basketball teams some much needed talent, but we all know that there's no chance in hell that school is going to make the NCAA tournament. So it's come to this. Donald Trump has made a terrorist recruitment video. But no, he didn't make it. Middle Eastern terrorist group Al-Shabaab did. And boy does it sound like they're pissed in the video. Here is the video itself - watch it if you dare.
(CNN)An al Qaeda affiliate has apparently released a new recruitment video, telling Muslims in America that the country has a long history of racism and discrimination and will turn on its Muslim community.
The video purportedly by Somali terrorist group al-Shabaab uses historic civil rights era footage of firebrand Malcolm X and audio of 2016 presidential candidate Donald Trump to label the United States a racist society.
In the wake of the San Bernardino, California, shootings last month, Trump said he wanted "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country's representatives can figure out what the hell is going on."
The video runs this line, bleeping out the word "hell."

There's a video clip at the link - watch if you dare. How does Donald Trump feel about this? "I'm not a terrorist. I'm a winner. And that's what America needs are more winners. We got to keep winning all the time. Because if we don't then the terrorists win. Al Shabaab? Who the hell is that? Is that a terrorist group or that middle eastern chicken restaurant down the street from my house? Because I love some good Al Shabaab style chicken with all the side dishes!"

Oh and in case you were wondering how Trump treats family members - he treats them about the same as universities and casinos among other failures associated with the Trump name:

Donald Trump Once Revoked Medical Care for a Sick Baby To Get Back at His Family
Freddy, a former pilot who died in 1981 an alcoholic at the age of 43, had a tense relationship with his younger brother, who constantly harangued him about his drinking. After Freddy died, his son, Fred III (Donald’s nephew) married and had a child who developed seizures and cerebral palsy. The Trump family, reports the Times, pledged to pay the infant’s medical bills—but Donald quickly went back on that promise when his father’s will was read.

Then came the unveiling of Fred Sr.’s will, which Donald had helped draft. It divided the bulk of the inheritance, at least $20 million, among his children and their descendants, “other than my son Fred C. Trump Jr.”

Freddy’s children sued, claiming that an earlier version of the will had entitled them to their father’s share of the estate, but that Donald and his siblings had used “undue influence” over their grandfather, who had dementia, to cut them out.

A week later, Mr. Trump retaliated by withdrawing the medical benefits critical to his nephew’s infant child.


Yup, he throws them under the bus! How noble and presidential of him!

Oh and Donald Trump might be banned from traveling to the UK if the MPs decide in favor of a poll that has nearly 100,000 signatures:

MPs are to debate whether to bar Donald Trump from entering the UK in response to a public petition calling for action against the US Presidential candidate.

About 568,000 people have backed a petition calling on the tycoon to be barred for comments he made about banning Muslims from the US.

Labour MP Paul Flynn will lead a debate in Westminster Hall on 18 January.

David Cameron has condemned Mr Trump, who has major business interests in the UK, but said he should be allowed in.

The Commons petitions committee decided to hold a debate on the issue after considering the matter at a meeting on Tuesday. Under the current rules, MPs have to consider any petition with 100,000 signatures for discussion in Parliament.


In a previous edition, I noted that Donald Trump might be banned from Scotland. But now it looks like the entire UK might be banning him as well. What are their immigration policies? :??:

And finally for Trumpenfuror news, he tried to provoke one of my favorite actors - Samuel L. Jackson, and well, got owned:

(CNN)Donald Trump strikes again on Twitter -- and this time, at actor Samuel L. Jackson.

The Republican presidential candidate tweeted at Jackson on Tuesday, writing, "I don't know @SamuelLJackson, to best of my knowledge haven't played golf w/him & think he does too many TV commercials—boring. Not a fan."

He (Jackson) said that he golfs with Trump from time to time and that when asked who's a better golfer, Jackson responded, "Oh, I am for sure. I don't cheat."


You don't fuck with Jules Winnfield, man. Or he'll go Ezekiel 25:17 on your ass.

Marco Rubio

Ugh... enough about Donald Trump this week. Let's now talk about religious homophobic bigotry! Yay!!! Homophobia saw no shortage of material during the holidays. Marco Rubio - former Senator of Florida and current middle seat holder in the republican clown car is polling absolutely dead last in just about every single poll he's in. No seriously - clogged toilets have a higher approval rating than Marco Rubio does. Jeb! gets higher polling numbers with environmental disasters. But here's how he's trying to save his campaign from going straight down the toilet:


Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio appeared on Face the Nation today and complained to host John Dickerson about being called a bigot despite the fact that he opposes treating gay and lesbian people equally.

Said Rubio:
“You have a country where people are told, this is a country where you’re going to be judged on your merits and on your hard work, and that is not happening. Increasingly, Americans feel out of place, because it seems like the people who have access to power and influence win. And everybody else is left on the outside looking in….And then people that hold traditional values are often described as bigots and haters.”...

Rubio recently promised that as president he would reverse Obama’s LGBT executive orders that stop religious business owners from discriminating against gays, appoint conservative SCOTUS justices who don’t believe that gays have the right to marry or that women have rights over their own bodies. He also said any transgender rights laws regarding bathroom usage have got to go.

If that’s not bigotry, I’m not sure what is.

That last line in that article says it all - so Rubio claims that he is in favor of equal rights for everybody, but when it comes to LGBT and especially the T part, that they want rights? He won't have any of it. If that's not hypocrisy I don't know what is.

Hobby Lobby & Bill Gothard

Hobby Lobby. That store you go to when you run out of macaroni and glitter glue for your kids' geography project that you spent hours on and they're unable to complete to turn in the next morning, which your kid gave you the night before and expects you to pull an all nighter creating a realistic looking recreation of the state of Utah. And no, the town of Round Butte does not look like what you think it looks like. But Hobby Lobby won a vital supreme court case last year which allows them to deny health care to anyone they damn well please, which includes pregnant mothers. Really, I could do an entire edition devoted to how much the GOP hates pregnant women, yet calls themselves "pro life". But this story - you know, creepy Josh Duggar - who is part of *that* Duggar family - which was all the news last summer, isn't going away any time soon. No, it's about to get much worse than you already know. Wonkette explains:

According to the official police report, after Josh Duggar’s parents found out he was molesting his sisters, and they spent a year doing NOTHING about it, Jim Bob Duggar sent his son for counseling with a “family friend” who was renovating a building in Little Rock, Arkansas. It turns out the program Josh went to was the Basic Life Principles Training Center, led by none other than Duggar family BFF Bill Gothard, the creepy man who, as your Wonkette reported Sunday, “coincidentally has been accused of sexual abuse and harassment by more than 30 teenage girls.” Gothard’s Advanced Training Institute (ATI), the homeschooling cult the Duggars love so much, teaches, among other things, that little girls who get sexually abused probably share some of the blame, for being gross and naked sometimes.

But here’s a fun fact! Arkansas courts ALSO sent juvenile offenders to Gothard’s programs, housed in an old VA hospital in Little Rock, donated by some other good friends, the Green family, owners of Hobby Lobby. Yes, THAT Hobby Lobby, the arts and crafts store that has very sincere religious beliefs about sex and how ladies shouldn’t do it, except for when they are married, to make babies for Jesus. Sound familiar? But Hobby Lobby also believes, apparently, that if boys do sex to girls, it is because the girls tempted them to do it, so the boys should have a special place to go to learn how to not be tempted to diddle their sisters. So Hobby Lobby gave Gothard this nice building where he could teach that kind of thing:
Read more at http://wonkette.com/586542/guess-whos-mixed-up-in-duggar-family-sex-crimes-now-hobby-lobby-of-course#6wRPj1x2YLwuizHP.99

So while Josh Duggar was engaged in one of the most horrible crimes imaginable - child molestation, his parents did absolutely nothing about it. And not only that, they made the matter much worse than it already was because they sent Josh to a corrupt rehab camp that was sponsored by Hobby Lobby. So how do they factor into this whole thing? It gets weirder:
But Huckabee’s not just a Gothard “admirer.” He actually seems to be a membership-dues-paid-in-full member of the cult:
“As a person who has actually been through the Basic Seminar, I am confident that these are some of the best programs available for instilling character into the lives of people,” Huckabee wrote in a letter promoting Gothard’s prison ministry. Arkansas prisons had been using Gothard seminars and materials since 1996.
That is going back a long way! How comforting to think that ex-cons, prisoners, rapists, Josh Duggar, AND all kinds of other offenders got “rehabilitated” by the same gross, likely rapey cult leader. That gives us a hell of a lot of faith in Arkansas state government! Let’s be fair to Mike Huckabee, though, as it seems he is not the only idiot to hand the keys to Bill Gothard; there are allegations of abuse stemming from Gothard’s programs in LOTS of states.

So the Gothard method - Mike Huckabee gave him a pass, Hobby Lobby sponsored him, and the Duggars did absolutely nothing. How far does this go? Who else is involved? And by the way how is Mike Hucakabee still running for president? Why hasn't the mainstream media ripped him a new asshole on this one? He should be waiting for his arraignment for harboring child molestors like the Duggars and allowing this corrupt piece of shit Bill Gothard to destroy America's youth with his religious brainwashing program. USA? USA? USA?

George Carlin was right - it's a big club and we're not in it. And while George Carlin's famous monologue from his 2005 special "Life Is Worth Losing" mainly applied to America's wealthy elite, it could also very well apply to America's ultra religious conservatives and how they're able to get away with some of the most horrific crimes known to man.

Carly Fiorina

Sports and politics are two things that should most likely never mix. Unless you're trying to win over votes in a state where a major primary election is coming up. But who tried to do that and completely failed at it is Carly Fiorina. You know, the disgraced HP CEO who laid off an entire city's worth of people while serving as the president of the company. Why imagine what she could do for the US government! The Koch / Ayn Rand candidate of choice here, people! But getting back to sports - one thing you should never ever do is piss off your alma matter. Especially while trying to win over people in the very state that they're playing in the most important game of the season and that's the Rose Bowl. There was a lot of politicking going on during the Rose Bowl this year with Donald Trump getting owned by a sky writing fly over and now this.

Carly Fiorina's Rose Bowl tweet draws Twitter scorn, hashtag

Harsh words seemed to follow two of the Republican presidential candidates during Friday's Rose Bowl college football game, and one of them may even be cursed.

Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina prompted a Twitter storm after she penned a controversial tweet in support of the Iowa Hawkeyes, instead of her alma mater Stanford's Cardinal.

"Love my alma mater, but rooting for a Hawkeyes win today," she tweeted.

Needless to say this set off a proverbial Twitter shit storm with both Stanford and Iowa fans agreeing on one thing - Carly Fiorina is a terrible politician and in no way, shape or form presidential material.

And the end result? Stanford utterly destroyed Iowa in the Rose Bowl 45 - 16. Karma strikes again!

Antonin Scalia

You know... if there's one thing America's fundamentalist religious conservatives are gifted at, it's knowing when to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. And they constantly shoot themselves in the foot over the nonsense that they're spouting. Sometimes I wonder whether or not they actually believe the crap they say on a daily basis. Whether it's Bryan Fischer explaining that dinosaurs were 1,000 year old lizards, Pat Robertson telling the mother of a deceased infant that her baby could have been the next Adolf Hitler, or the or the Liberty Counsel blocking a Wisconsin school's decision to teach kids about gender identity. Because that's just icky to them. But no one does it with the class or finesse of the GOP's equivalent of Emperor Palpatine, Antonin Scalia.

On Saturday, he said the First Amendment prohibits the government from endorsing one religion over another. But, he added, that doesn’t mean the government has to favor non-religion over religion.

He argued that’s a more modern reading originating in the courts in the 1960s.

He also said there is "nothing wrong" with presidents and others invoking God in speeches, according to The Associated Press.

If Americans want to the government to be non-religious, he said, they should vote on it instead of courts deciding.

“Don't cram it down the throats of an American people that has always honored God on the pretext that the Constitution requires it,” he said, according to the Times-Picayune.


I know there's a joke there but in the interest of keeping this somewhat family and Google friendly, and after seeing Samuel L. Jackson's bizarre monologue at the end of the first half of his new flick, the Hateful Eight, I'm not going there.

Oh and by the way if you wondering where the announcement about what’s going on in Alabama is, don’t worry – next week we will be tearing Roy Moore a new asshole. Be sure to stock up on the popcorn for that one.

Every Day Trump Supporters

Finally tonight we’re going to introduce yet another brand new feature that will prop up from time to time until the end of the election, or when Donald Trump’s campaign is no longer relevant. I’m hoping the latter happens first. So we’re going to use the 10th slot to take a look at some every day Trump supporters. There’s two types of conspiracy theorists. There’s the evil, angry, hateful, and racist Infowars conspiracy theorists. And then there’s the batshit crazy, tin foil hat conspiracy theorists like this guy. I separate these people into two camps. If you think Obama is going to take all your guns away and that the US, Canada and Mexico are going to merge into one giant, borderless and lawless entity (yes, Infowars fans actually believe this!!!), then Infowars is your place. If you think that Taco Bell’s fine dining is a conspiracy by the Mexican government to infiltrate American culture, you’re a more likely candidate for Coast To Coast AM. Taco Bell is not a restaurant I would associate with “fine”, or “dining”. I’m not even sure you can call it "food". And everyone is aware that Taco Bell was founded in California and currently has a massive headquarters there, doesn’t it? Well Clem O’Connor won’t have any of it. In fact to Clem O’Connor Taco Bell’s headquarters might as well be on the worst part of the worst street in the center of Mexico City. While the article from Crooks and Liars wasn’t clear about his political affiliation, but considering that he is going on and on about “securing the border”, we’re going to say Trump for this case. Here’s more:

HAZARD, TENNESSEE - When Clem O'Connor walked into the Taco Bell in his town for the first time, he was greeted with words, smells and tastes that offended him to his core. Though someone's taste buds being offended in Taco Bell is nothing new, what made The Political Garbage Chute reach out to Clem was the reason for his outrage, and the campaign he's started because of that outrage. O'Connor is convinced that Taco Bell is "an agent working for the Mexican government" and they are "infiltrating American culture one Cheesy Gordita Crunch at a time." So Clem wants Taco Bell run out of his small Tennessee town, and he's petitioned everyone from his local city council on up to the governor of the state to have the fast food chain thrown out of Hazard for good.
"You know there isn't a single hamburger to be found on Taco Bell's menu," Clem asked our interviewer rhetorically while adding, "there is nothing more American than a hamburger. So I have to ask, what is about America that Taco Bell hates?"

First of all Taco Bell should hire Clem to do all their advertising for them, because “infiltrate American culture one Cheesy Gordita Crunch at a time” is something Taco Bell should be using in all of its' advertisements! Um… hate to break it to you, Clem, but… Taco Bell *IS* an American company. Its' headquarters is in Irvine, California. Does that mean I live in a foreign country? Last I checked California was still an American state. And there’s nothing more American than a company that skirts around USDA regulations and lies to the FDA about the content of its’ “beef”, is there? I can’t think of any! Sure, we may have settled that lawsuit, but it still remains a mystery. Let’s continue:

Clem said that "until the border is secure, we can't have any more Mexicans coming over here" and that "coming to a place like America and seeing authentic Mexican food at places like Taco Bell might encourage them to come here illegally and never leave."
"Would it kill them to put a nice steak and potato meal on their menu," Clem asked. "I mean, steak and potatoes is American as fuck. But no, it's all taco this and burrito that. It's offensive to me that in America I might have to read menu items in a different language. I don't go to any fancy-shmancy restaurant where the menu is in whatever language the cuisine is in. I'm an American, different cultures frighten and confuse me. I want my menus in English and my waiters better speak it too, or you can get the fuck out of this country as far as I'm concerned!"

So Clem, let me ask you this - when has Taco Bell ever been associated with "authentic Mexican food"? Or for that matter when has Taco Bell been associated with "food"? And Taco Bell does have steak and potatoes on the menu! Order some steak nachos and a loaded potato burrito and it's essentially the same thing, is it not? It was at this point that we guessed that the political affiliation might be Trump. Has this guy never had a burrito? Burritos are delicious! Especially of the breakfast variety. When they contain real ingredients, that is.

"All I'm saying is that we live in America," Clem said while continuing, "and if you're not going to adopt American values then you should get out. Taco Bell is an American restaurant in America. There should be cheeseburgers and fries on the menu, and I should be encouraged to bring my gun into the joint. That's American values right there. But instead I have to settle for a Chalupa and a seven layer burrito and I have to leave my gun in the car."

Taco Bell does support American values - at least American business values like stiffing employees, cheating and lying to the government. But this part here raises many questions. First off, why the fuck does he need to bring a gun? I’ve been to a lot of Taco Bells and I’ve never felt the need to pack heat, at any of the locations I’ve been to! And I've been to some Taco Bells in some really shady locations. Hey when it's 2:00 AM and I'm drunk, a steak quesarito sounds pretty damn good about that time, doesn't it? And second, is Taco Bell the only restaurant in town? This is America, man! There's gigantic portions of food just about every 10 feet. Don't like Taco Bell? There's seafood (Long John Silvers), Italian (Olive Garden), Chinese (Panda Express), and American grease (White Castle). It's not like all restaurants in town are Taco Bell. You know Demolition Man was just a movie, right, Clem?

Oh be afraid, my friends. Be very afraid! And this here is my favorite part:

"It's just too Mexican in there," Clem told us, "that's all I'm saying. It's just too Mexican. Would it kill them to put an apple pie on their menu?"

Um… I don’t know if you know Mexican people, Clem, but I do. Real people who are actually, um, you know, from Mexico. Good people too. And they wouldn’t eat Taco Bell’s slop if you force fed it to them. Come to Southern California, I'll show you some real Mexican cuisine. You've never had chilaquiles, arroz con pollo, huevos con chorizo, traditional menudo, or al pastor? No? How about some real anejo tequila? Ever been to a traditional Mexican carniceria or panaderia? No? Then you've probably never had real Mexican food. Or better yet, I'll just take you to the Del Taco down the street from my house. They have tacos, burritos, and - wait for it - cheeseburgers and fries on the menu! It will totally blow your mind! And this is every day Trump supporters. Come on sing it with me!

See you next week!

Ed. Note - I know many of you are wondering where a tribute to David Bowie is, but considering that I had this done last night before the news broke, I figured that I'll wait for next Monday's edition for a proper Idiots-style tribute to Mr. Bowie. Stay tuned.

Dumb Criminals: After Proposing At Wal-Mart, Couple Goes On Sex Toy Shoplifting Spree

Nothing says true love like shoplifting sex toys.

The evening of one Michigan man’s successful marriage proposal ended in his arrest for stealing bedroom playthings and jewelry for his new fiancée.

William Cornelius Jr. was charged with lifting about $80 worth of goods from a Spencer’s location at a Bay City mall around 6 p.m. New Year’s Eve.

The supposed theft came after the 25-year-old love bird proposed to his girlfriend at a Walmart less than half a mile down the road. Cornelius asked employees to read his declaration of eternal affection over the loudspeakers.


My favorite part of this story was that the engagement ring was only $30. JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
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