Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 90)
Election 2002 Edition
the inauguration of George W. Bush, we have chronicled over
900 cases of conservative idiocy. So all we have to say this
week is: get out there and vote Democratic on Tuesday. Bring
your friends, bring your neighbors, get to the polls and punch
a straight Democratic ticket. Because let's face it - we're
always going to have conservatives to make fun of every Monday.
But they don't have to be running this country, and they don't
have to be leading us all down a slippery slope of no-holds-barred
pan-American conservative idiocy. So read this list, think
about the specter of a Republican grand slam, and then get
out there and help your local candidates, help get out the
vote, and maybe come Wednesday morning we can all feel a little
better about the direction this country is heading. Here's
to a Democratic victory on November 5! And, as usual, here's
GOP and the Media
Last week's sickening reaction to Senator Paul Wellstone's
memorial service was just the latest example of a media gone
bad and a GOP desperate
to gain leverage from any situation, no matter how
tasteless. The memorial itself was a joyous celebration of
Paul's life and work - and yes, it was political. It was also
a family service, and the family had the right to hold it
any way they pleased and choose whomever they wanted to speak.
And yet this made the GOP absolutely furious, and the media
did their very best to fuel the fires of their anger. This
absolute non-story was a top subject on cable news talking-head
shows all week, with conservative idiots from Jack Cafferty
to Kay Bailey Hutchinson popping up all over the place to
proclaim that Paul Wellstone wouldn't have wanted a memorial
service like that. As if they had any idea what Paul
would have wanted. Former U.S. Representative from Minnesota
Vin Weber called the memorial a "complete, total, absolute
sham" and demanded "equal time" to get the
GOP message across (presumably he doesn't include Limbaugh
and Hannity's 30 hours of GOP propaganda every week as part
of that equal time). And nobody but MediaWhoresOnline
bothered to point out that the Republican shills screaming
about the booing of Trent Lott were actively praising firemen
who booed Hillary Clinton at a 9/11 memorial service one year
ago. Politicizing a memorial service? Apparently it's only
okay as long as Democrats are being heckled. The hypocrisy
- the idiocy - of last week's reaction to Paul Wellstone's
memorial service is unparalleled in the history of the Top
Ten Conservative Idiots.
2002: Visit VoteDFL.org
But there's plenty more hypocrisy where that came from. On
the day of Paul Wellstone's memorial service, the very day
that Vin Weber was calling for equal time on TV and radio,
the White House was entertaining
- get this - 50 conservative talk show hosts on the North
Lawn. Yes, cabinet members and senior administration officials
were hauled out of their offices to talk to the likes of Oliver
North and Sean Hannity just six days before the elections.
How convenient. In a gag-inducing explanation, Taylor Gross,
the press officer who organized the event, said - and I hope
you have a strong stomach - "These are people who do
not get to come to the White House, who do not get to talk
to Cabinet secretaries or senior officials. I just don't see
a political component to it at all... This is the people's
house." Oh my god, I'm going to puke. He also said that the
timing of the event was "mere coincidence." Oh,
sure it was.
It didn't take long for the Republicans to start attacking
Paul Wellstone's replacement Walter Mondale. In fact, Newt
Gingrich managed to start the ball rolling
before Mondale had even accepted the Democratic nomination
- and before Wellstone had even been buried. And surprise,
the oh-so-honorable Newt, who really hates people who don't
tell the truth, managed to dredge up some complete horsefeathers
on Meet The Press last week. "Walter Mondale chaired a commission
that was for the privatization of Social Security worldwide,"
said the Newtster to Tim Russert. "He chaired a commission
that was for raising the retirement age dramatically."
All very incriminating, except for one problem - Gingrich
But then... what did you expect? Incidentally, the GOP has
spent the last week pushing the idea that at 74, Walter Mondale
is too old to run. Not a bad piece of hypocrisy coming from
the party of Strom Thurmond; the party that selected Bob Dole
to run for president when he was... 74 years old.
2002: Visit VoteDFL.org
So while the Florida GOP likes to keep felons (and those who
may unfortunately have the same name as a felon - hey, tough
luck) off the voter rolls, they don't have a problem
taking their money. It turns out that since January 1 2002,
felon Eddie DeBartolo, former owner of the San Francisco 49ers,
more than $100,000 to Jeb Bush's campaign, the Florida GOP,
and various GOP causes. How ironic. People with the same name
as felons = no right to vote. Felons with $100,000 dollars
to throw at Republicans = thanks very much, Mr. Felon. But
enjoy it while you can, Jeb - you might only have a few more
days to enjoy your life of corruption before the voters boot
you back to Texas, or Connecticut, or wherever the hell it
is you Bushies come from.
2002: Visit Jeb Bush's Democratic opponent, Bill
This could be it: the last time we have to go through the
agony of bringing you yet another Bill Simon campaign screw-up.
The latest but not least of Simon's absolutely dreadful blunders
came last week when he "refused to condemn a GOP-funded,
pro-Simon radio ad that claims Democrats are 'teaching our
children... homosexual practice is OK,'" according to the
San Francisco Chronicle. Way to go, Bill. Apparently
the ad claims that Democrats are encouraging teachers to teach
kids about homosexuality "instead of using those hours to
teach them to read and write." Doh. When questioned about
the ad, Simon's only response was that if elected he would
be a "governor for all Californians." Well - all Californians
except for those rotten gayo-sexuals, right Bill?
2002: Visit Bill Simon's Democratic opponent, Gray
When Arkansas rapist Wayne Dumond was freed on parole there
some inquiry into Governor Mike Huckabee's role in his release.
Oh no, not me, said Huckabee - I had nothing to do with it.
Whoops - it turns out that the Arkansas Times has done
a little digging
and discovered that not only did Mike Huckabee work feverishly
behind the scenes to have Dumond released, he then lied about
it. In fact, according to the Times, Huckabee's effort
"was a process marked by deviation from accepted parole
practice and direct personal lobbying by the governor, in
an apparently illegal and unrecorded closed-door meeting with
the parole board." For some reason Huckabee kept insisting
that there was DNA evidence that proved Dumond's innocence,
even though there wasn't. And apparently Huckabee told the
parole board that he thought Dumond got a "raw deal."
Shame he can't tell that to the girl that Dumond went on to
rape and murder less than a year after Huckabee had him released.
So why did Huckabee want so badly to free Dumond? Why, it's
Bill Clinton's fault, if you can believe that! Dumond's first
victim, Ashley Stevens, is a distant relation of the former
president, and Huckabee so disliked Clinton that he thought
Dumond had been set up. Oh dear. So do you think Huckabee
has trouble sleeping at night? Don't bet on it.
2002: Visit Mike Huckabee's Democratic opponent, Jimmie
How long is the administration going to hold on to corrupt
do-nothing bureaucrats like Harvey Pitt? In any other government,
Pitt would have been fired long ago. But not in George W.
Bush's government, where incompetence is rewarded and corruption
is practically a job requirement. Harvey Pitt recently appointed
former FBI chief William Webster to head a new accounting
oversight board. Unfortunately he forgot to mention
to other members of the SEC that Webster recently headed the
audit committee of U.S Technologies - a company which is currently
undergoing a federal investigation for allegations of fraud.
Webster apparently told Pitt about this situation, but Pitt
withheld the information until after the SEC commissioners
voted (along partisan lines) to appoint Webster. They are
now - surprise - pissed off. It gets even weirder when you
realize that Webster told Pitt that maybe they shouldn't proceed
if his involvement with U.S. Technologies would pose a problem
- and Pitt told him that everything would be just fine. Which,
considering that Pitt's job is now hanging in the balance,
was not just corrupt but plain stupid!
Of course the list wouldn't be complete without a visit from
George W. Bush, so here he is. Our pal Dubya recently wrote
a short review of a new collection of short stories entitled
"Dear Mr. President" and sent it to the author,
Gabe Hudson. Unfortunately for Mr. Hudson, George gave the
book a thumbs-down, and according
to the Hartford Courant called it "ridiculous"
and "just plain bad writing." And it appears that
Dubya can't complete a criticism these days without throwing
in his favorite insult: "unpatriotic." But Hudson
gets the last word - according to the Courant, "Asked
whether the president might have other things to do than write
letters to authors, Hudson said, 'Like jogging? Or starting
wars? I don't get the sense that the president has read enough
books, or that he ever will.'" No kidding!*
Turns out this story was a hoax by Gabe Hudson. Never mind.
Curse that liberal media. All you have to do is turn on the
TV or radio and you'll be blasted with liberal propaganda
without mercy. Are there no right-wing opinions to be broadcast
by our great news organizations? For shame! But fear not -
the White House is taking steps to redress the balance. It
was announced last week that there would be a little seating
change in the White House press room - basically, reporters
who like the administration and ask nice easy softball questions
have been moved to the front, and rotten-egg reporters who
don't like President George and ask Ari wicked tough questions
that he doesn't know the answers to have been moved to the
back. Cool huh? So now you've got FOX News and Bloomberg News
reporters moved up to the cushy question-asking positions,
and Newsweek reporters shunted to the back. Well damn, they
shouldn't have published all those questions about 9/11 should
they? And now instead of actual press briefings, we'll get
the boys from FOX gazing in adulation at Ari's shining pate
and unkempt nostril hairs. Bravo.
And finally, get your laughing gear ready because this one's
a hoot! In protest of the massive anti-war demonstrations
in Washington DC on October 26, the Washington DC chapter
of Free Republic decided to hold an anti-anti-war rally.
And while an estimated 200,000 people marched around the White
House, about 14 people showed up to listen to the insane rantings
of a few toothless inbreds. The Freepers spent the afternoon
pontificating on such fascinating topics as, um, Why Iraq
Is A Communist Country (?) and, er, Why Guns Are Great (??)
and, uh, Those Marxists Killed My Grandfather! (???). And
let's not forget their rallying cry: "Stay away from
the left wing! They have a tendency to be violent!" But
the best part was that the whole thing was broadcast and rebroadcast
on CSPAN, which gave the entire country an opportunity to
see how ridiculous they looked. And in case you missed it,
this photo is for you:
let's get out there and win! See you next week!
Message to Neal Boortz: Sorry pal, you didn't make the cut.
Not even close.
a Conservative for Next Week's List
We fixed the bug.)