The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 90)
November 4, 2002
Election 2002 Edition

Since the inauguration of George W. Bush, we have chronicled over 900 cases of conservative idiocy. So all we have to say this week is: get out there and vote Democratic on Tuesday. Bring your friends, bring your neighbors, get to the polls and punch a straight Democratic ticket. Because let's face it - we're always going to have conservatives to make fun of every Monday. But they don't have to be running this country, and they don't have to be leading us all down a slippery slope of no-holds-barred pan-American conservative idiocy. So read this list, think about the specter of a Republican grand slam, and then get out there and help your local candidates, help get out the vote, and maybe come Wednesday morning we can all feel a little better about the direction this country is heading. Here's to a Democratic victory on November 5! And, as usual, here's the key :)

1The GOP and the Media partisanship excessive spin hypocrisy shocked, shocked I tell ya dumb
Last week's sickening reaction to Senator Paul Wellstone's memorial service was just the latest example of a media gone bad and a GOP desperate to gain leverage from any situation, no matter how tasteless. The memorial itself was a joyous celebration of Paul's life and work - and yes, it was political. It was also a family service, and the family had the right to hold it any way they pleased and choose whomever they wanted to speak. And yet this made the GOP absolutely furious, and the media did their very best to fuel the fires of their anger. This absolute non-story was a top subject on cable news talking-head shows all week, with conservative idiots from Jack Cafferty to Kay Bailey Hutchinson popping up all over the place to proclaim that Paul Wellstone wouldn't have wanted a memorial service like that. As if they had any idea what Paul would have wanted. Former U.S. Representative from Minnesota Vin Weber called the memorial a "complete, total, absolute sham" and demanded "equal time" to get the GOP message across (presumably he doesn't include Limbaugh and Hannity's 30 hours of GOP propaganda every week as part of that equal time). And nobody but MediaWhoresOnline bothered to point out that the Republican shills screaming about the booing of Trent Lott were actively praising firemen who booed Hillary Clinton at a 9/11 memorial service one year ago. Politicizing a memorial service? Apparently it's only okay as long as Democrats are being heckled. The hypocrisy - the idiocy - of last week's reaction to Paul Wellstone's memorial service is unparalleled in the history of the Top Ten Conservative Idiots.

ELECTION 2002: Visit VoteDFL.org

2The White House hypocrisy hypocrisy partisanship
But there's plenty more hypocrisy where that came from. On the day of Paul Wellstone's memorial service, the very day that Vin Weber was calling for equal time on TV and radio, the White House was entertaining - get this - 50 conservative talk show hosts on the North Lawn. Yes, cabinet members and senior administration officials were hauled out of their offices to talk to the likes of Oliver North and Sean Hannity just six days before the elections. How convenient. In a gag-inducing explanation, Taylor Gross, the press officer who organized the event, said - and I hope you have a strong stomach - "These are people who do not get to come to the White House, who do not get to talk to Cabinet secretaries or senior officials. I just don't see a political component to it at all... This is the people's house." Oh my god, I'm going to puke. He also said that the timing of the event was "mere coincidence." Oh, sure it was.

3Newt Gingrich lying
It didn't take long for the Republicans to start attacking Paul Wellstone's replacement Walter Mondale. In fact, Newt Gingrich managed to start the ball rolling before Mondale had even accepted the Democratic nomination - and before Wellstone had even been buried. And surprise, the oh-so-honorable Newt, who really hates people who don't tell the truth, managed to dredge up some complete horsefeathers on Meet The Press last week. "Walter Mondale chaired a commission that was for the privatization of Social Security worldwide," said the Newtster to Tim Russert. "He chaired a commission that was for raising the retirement age dramatically." All very incriminating, except for one problem - Gingrich was lying. But then... what did you expect? Incidentally, the GOP has spent the last week pushing the idea that at 74, Walter Mondale is too old to run. Not a bad piece of hypocrisy coming from the party of Strom Thurmond; the party that selected Bob Dole to run for president when he was... 74 years old.

ELECTION 2002: Visit VoteDFL.org

4Jeb Bush greed
So while the Florida GOP likes to keep felons (and those who may unfortunately have the same name as a felon - hey, tough luck) off the voter rolls, they don't have a problem taking their money. It turns out that since January 1 2002, felon Eddie DeBartolo, former owner of the San Francisco 49ers, has given more than $100,000 to Jeb Bush's campaign, the Florida GOP, and various GOP causes. How ironic. People with the same name as felons = no right to vote. Felons with $100,000 dollars to throw at Republicans = thanks very much, Mr. Felon. But enjoy it while you can, Jeb - you might only have a few more days to enjoy your life of corruption before the voters boot you back to Texas, or Connecticut, or wherever the hell it is you Bushies come from.

ELECTION 2002: Visit Jeb Bush's Democratic opponent, Bill McBride

5Bill Simon homophobia homophobia dumb
This could be it: the last time we have to go through the agony of bringing you yet another Bill Simon campaign screw-up. The latest but not least of Simon's absolutely dreadful blunders came last week when he "refused to condemn a GOP-funded, pro-Simon radio ad that claims Democrats are 'teaching our children... homosexual practice is OK,'" according to the San Francisco Chronicle. Way to go, Bill. Apparently the ad claims that Democrats are encouraging teachers to teach kids about homosexuality "instead of using those hours to teach them to read and write." Doh. When questioned about the ad, Simon's only response was that if elected he would be a "governor for all Californians." Well - all Californians except for those rotten gayo-sexuals, right Bill?

ELECTION 2002: Visit Bill Simon's Democratic opponent, Gray Davis

6Mike Huckabee just plain evil lying
When Arkansas rapist Wayne Dumond was freed on parole there some inquiry into Governor Mike Huckabee's role in his release. Oh no, not me, said Huckabee - I had nothing to do with it. Whoops - it turns out that the Arkansas Times has done a little digging and discovered that not only did Mike Huckabee work feverishly behind the scenes to have Dumond released, he then lied about it. In fact, according to the Times, Huckabee's effort "was a process marked by deviation from accepted parole practice and direct personal lobbying by the governor, in an apparently illegal and unrecorded closed-door meeting with the parole board." For some reason Huckabee kept insisting that there was DNA evidence that proved Dumond's innocence, even though there wasn't. And apparently Huckabee told the parole board that he thought Dumond got a "raw deal." Shame he can't tell that to the girl that Dumond went on to rape and murder less than a year after Huckabee had him released. So why did Huckabee want so badly to free Dumond? Why, it's Bill Clinton's fault, if you can believe that! Dumond's first victim, Ashley Stevens, is a distant relation of the former president, and Huckabee so disliked Clinton that he thought Dumond had been set up. Oh dear. So do you think Huckabee has trouble sleeping at night? Don't bet on it.

ELECTION 2002: Visit Mike Huckabee's Democratic opponent, Jimmie Lou Fisher

7Harvey Pitt fiscal irresponsibility dumb
How long is the administration going to hold on to corrupt do-nothing bureaucrats like Harvey Pitt? In any other government, Pitt would have been fired long ago. But not in George W. Bush's government, where incompetence is rewarded and corruption is practically a job requirement. Harvey Pitt recently appointed former FBI chief William Webster to head a new accounting oversight board. Unfortunately he forgot to mention to other members of the SEC that Webster recently headed the audit committee of U.S Technologies - a company which is currently undergoing a federal investigation for allegations of fraud. Webster apparently told Pitt about this situation, but Pitt withheld the information until after the SEC commissioners voted (along partisan lines) to appoint Webster. They are now - surprise - pissed off. It gets even weirder when you realize that Webster told Pitt that maybe they shouldn't proceed if his involvement with U.S. Technologies would pose a problem - and Pitt told him that everything would be just fine. Which, considering that Pitt's job is now hanging in the balance, was not just corrupt but plain stupid!

8George W. Bush dumb dumb dumb
Of course the list wouldn't be complete without a visit from George W. Bush, so here he is. Our pal Dubya recently wrote a short review of a new collection of short stories entitled "Dear Mr. President" and sent it to the author, Gabe Hudson. Unfortunately for Mr. Hudson, George gave the book a thumbs-down, and according to the Hartford Courant called it "ridiculous" and "just plain bad writing." And it appears that Dubya can't complete a criticism these days without throwing in his favorite insult: "unpatriotic." But Hudson gets the last word - according to the Courant, "Asked whether the president might have other things to do than write letters to authors, Hudson said, 'Like jogging? Or starting wars? I don't get the sense that the president has read enough books, or that he ever will.'" No kidding!*

* Correction: Turns out this story was a hoax by Gabe Hudson. Never mind.

9 The White House covering your ass partisanship
Curse that liberal media. All you have to do is turn on the TV or radio and you'll be blasted with liberal propaganda without mercy. Are there no right-wing opinions to be broadcast by our great news organizations? For shame! But fear not - the White House is taking steps to redress the balance. It was announced last week that there would be a little seating change in the White House press room - basically, reporters who like the administration and ask nice easy softball questions have been moved to the front, and rotten-egg reporters who don't like President George and ask Ari wicked tough questions that he doesn't know the answers to have been moved to the back. Cool huh? So now you've got FOX News and Bloomberg News reporters moved up to the cushy question-asking positions, and Newsweek reporters shunted to the back. Well damn, they shouldn't have published all those questions about 9/11 should they? And now instead of actual press briefings, we'll get the boys from FOX gazing in adulation at Ari's shining pate and unkempt nostril hairs. Bravo.

10Free Republic dumb dumb
And finally, get your laughing gear ready because this one's a hoot! In protest of the massive anti-war demonstrations in Washington DC on October 26, the Washington DC chapter of Free Republic decided to hold an anti-anti-war rally. And while an estimated 200,000 people marched around the White House, about 14 people showed up to listen to the insane rantings of a few toothless inbreds. The Freepers spent the afternoon pontificating on such fascinating topics as, um, Why Iraq Is A Communist Country (?) and, er, Why Guns Are Great (??) and, uh, Those Marxists Killed My Grandfather! (???). And let's not forget their rallying cry: "Stay away from the left wing! They have a tendency to be violent!" But the best part was that the whole thing was broadcast and rebroadcast on CSPAN, which gave the entire country an opportunity to see how ridiculous they looked. And in case you missed it, this photo is for you:

Now let's get out there and win! See you next week!

ADDENDUM. Message to Neal Boortz: Sorry pal, you didn't make the cut. Not even close.