Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 88)
First Election Countdown Edition
the election draws nearer, we're starting to see a whole host
of campaign related idiocy cropping up all over the place.
There's Jeb Bush (1) lying to old folks, Bill Owens (2) trying
to pretend that his son is responsible, Mitt Romney's (3)
hypocrisy on gay rights, Doug Forrester's (4) thoughts on
Atlantic City, and Tom Tancredo's (5) gun nut flip-flop. But
it's not just election idiocy this week. Further down the
list we find Michael Kelly (7) who thinks that both George
Bushes deserve the Nobel Peace Prize, Saudi Arabia (8) who
continue to fund Al Qaeda under the very noses of the Bush
administration, and Dubya himself (9) presiding over financially
devastating corporate scandals. Enjoy, and as usual, don't
forget the key.
What's the latest trick up the sleeve of Jeb "Devious"
Bush (see Idiots 87)? It's a good one - pretend to
be endorsed by respectable organizations that don't actually
endorse anybody! Yep, Jeb sent out a mass mailing to
seniors last week, which featured
a photograph of the Florida governor standing in front of
an AARP banner. Unfortunately the AARP is nonpartisan and
does not endorse political candidates - and they're pissed
off that Jeb tried to pretend otherwise. ''Their attempt is
to put their arms around our 2.6 million members, and we're
not reciprocating,'' said Bentley Lipscomb, head of the AARP.
Come on, Jeb. Don't you have more important things to do,
like getting your crackhead daughter out of jail?
2002: Visit Jeb Bush's Democratic opponent, Bill
The party of family values strikes again - first George W.
Bush's niece is sent down for crack possession (Noelle's daddy
Jeb didn't bother showing up in court) - and now we hear
that Colorado's Governor Bill Owens is having a few family
problems too. Turns out that his son, Mark was caught vandalizing
school buses and other vehicles last week, and ended up being
charged with burglary and criminal mischief. It ought to be
the slogan of the Republican Party really: "Vote Republican.
Criminal Mischief." But anyway, apparently Mark and some
friends broke into a storage shed, liberated some softball
bats, and then started busting windows causing $4,200 worth
of damage. But it's okay, because Governor Owens said his
son has "taken responsibility for his actions" and
has coughed up $1,468 to the school to his share of the damage.
Poor kid. And presumably by "taking responsibility for
his actions" Governor Owens means that Mark accepted
the fifteen hundred bucks his daddy gave him in an effort
to prevent his expulsion, and possibly was sent to bed with
no cocoa on Friday night.
2002: Visit Bill Owens's Democratic opponent, Rollie
With the elections coming up there's plenty of opportunities
for some first-class hypocrisy. Take for example Mr. Mitt
Romney, gubernatorial candidate for Massachusetts. Romney
has been declaring throughout his campaign that he is a fine,
tolerant man who supports gay rights. Oh really? Then why,
to the Boston Globe, did he give "a $1 million
donation to Brigham Young University, a school with antigay
policies aimed at punishing, often by suspension or expulsion,
students who engage in any homosexual activity?" Why
indeed. Could it be that Mr. Romney doesn't actually
support gay rights? Surely not. A Romney spokesman said the
money was for BYU's "education mission" and "Romney
has no ability to affect the institution's policies toward
Hmm, well, he could start by not giving them a million dollars
worth of support.
2002: Visit Mitt Romney's Democratic opponent, Shannon
Forrester, New Jersey's Republican candidate for Senate, has
been taking some heat recently for a few newspaper articles
he wrote over ten years ago. The New York Times reports
that Mr. I'm-Not-Bob-Torricelli wrote around 200 columns for
his local newspaper between 1989 and 1993 on fascinating topics
such as "Mother's Day, ice cream or the time Mr. Forrester
was forced to kill a shrew in his bathtub." Mmm. Unfortunately
for him, Doug Forrester also wrote a couple of articles suggesting
that while assault weapons were a great idea, drink-driving
checkpoints were not. Oh, and that Atlantic City had "the
subtle beauty of a streetwalker" which gave him the "feeling
that I had cavorted in the unclean waters of a toddler's wading
pool." Say hello to Doug "I'm-Not-Bob-Torricelli"
Forrester, this week's winner of the Bill Simon Campaign Blunder
2002: Visit Doug Forrester's Democratic opponent, Frank
Lautenberg! (Not Bob Torricelli)
If you enjoyed Mitt Romney's campaign hypocrisy, check out
Tom Tancredo, who said after the Columbine massacre that he
would no longer accept donations from gun nuts. Very noble.
But what's this? It seems that Mr. Tancredo, who is running
for the third time in Columbine High School's Congressional
district, just recently accepted $1,500 from the National
Rifle Association. Hmmm. Asked for an explanation, Tancredo
said that his decision was "never intended to be permanent."
See? It was only intended to apply while all those dead kids
were fresh in everyone's minds. Nice.
2002: Visit Tom Tancredo's Democratic opponent, Lance
It's been common knowledge for a long time on Democratic Underground
that Enron was manipulating energy prices in California during
the run-up to the 2000 presidential election. The activities
of President Bush's favorite company (they gave him free use
of their private jets during the campaign) caused brownouts
and blackouts in California, and caused prices to skyrocket.
And now, finally, one of the Enron insiders has admitted that
it's all true.
Timothy Belden, Enron's former head of trading in Portland,
Oregon, pleaded guilty to conspiracy last week and struck
a deal with prosecutors to blow the whistle on his co-conspirators.
"I did it because I was trying to maximize profit for Enron,"
Belden told Judge Martin Jenkins. Hmm. Interesting. So what
else was Enron doing to try and maximize their profits?
Well, if the Democrats win control of Congress on November
5, perhaps we can get Dick Cheney to finally let everyone
take a good look at his energy policy documents...
It seems that Jimmy Carter's Nobel Peace Prize award has sent
some conservatives spiraling dangerously out of control. Take
Michael Kelly for example, who last week penned
a column suggesting that despite Carter's humanitarian record
and ceaseless efforts for worldwide peace, better recipients
for the award would have been the father-son team of George
Bush Sr. and Jr. How amusing. I mean, can't you see what the
Bushes have done for world peace? Selling weapons of mass
destruction to Iraq while secretly selling weapons to Iran
was a good one. And then there was the training of Osama bin
Laden and the funding of Afghan militants to fight against
the Soviet Union, only to have to go to Afghanistan and carpet-bomb
those same militants fifteen years later. That was another
good one. I think they deserve the Nobel Peace Prize, don't
Quick, we must rush to attack Iraq because of September 11
and, uh, Al Qaeda and because.. um, Saddam is... helping bin
Laden... I think... and anyway, he gassed his own people with
that gas we gave him. Meanwhile, according
to a new report by the Council on Foreign Relations, Saudi
millionaires continue to throw money at Al Qaeda, and what's
the USA doing about it? Surprise - not a fat lot. Perhaps
getting Poppy Bush to stop selling them weapons would be a
good start, or at the very least, he could stop playing golf
with them. That should show them a thing or two. Wait - I've
just thought of a brilliant way to stop Saudi millionaires
from throwing money at Al Qaeda. Let's invade Iraq!
So what have Dubya's business buddies cost the country thus
far? A recent
study indicates that the mess of corporate scandals since
boy George was inaugurated has cost Americans "more than
$200 billion in lost investment savings, jobs, pension losses
and tax revenue." That's some great financial management
by the MBA President. And that's not all. Apparently the affected
companies have laid off more than a million workers - all
while the company bosses cashed in on their stock options
and made out like, um, bandits. So thanks, George, for your
caring, sharing, compassionate approach to government
- help your rich pals get even richer, and screw the average
American. But it's okay. We can clear all this nonsense up
in one simple move - let's invade Iraq!
And finally, Paul O'Neill has come up with a great
way to solve all of Dubya's financial problems - simply eliminate
corporate income tax. This is a great idea for three reasons:
1) it'll stop all those oh-so-patriotic companies from sneakily
relocating to foreign countries, 2) the economy will suddenly
rebound and massive federal deficits will become surpluses
again overnight, and 3) let's invade Iraq! See you next week...
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