Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 87)
Bush Across America Edition
much for the war. Dubya's planning on spending most of the
next three weeks raising money for the Republican machine
- all on the taxpayer's dime of course, which earns him the
number one spot this week. But there were some worthy challengers
to the throne - witness Bill Simon (2) who is just getting
really, really embarrassing, and the Illinois State Rifle
Association (3), who are just really, really evil. Meanwhile
Harvey Waite (5) is just trying to help out his wife, and
Mike Taylor (6) is floating in a sea of sleaze. Jeb Bush (9)
and Dick Armey (10) round of this week's list with the kind
of conservative idiocy that only comes with years of practice.
Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the key.
War on Iraq? Not likely - at least, not before November 5th.
George W. Bush is planning
a fourteen day tour across America leading up to the mid-term
elections, so he's obviously not very concerned about anything
important going on in Washington. Dubya will be visiting up
to four states a day, campaigning and fundraising for GOP
candidates. His trip is (of course) paid for by you and I,
the taxpayer. So much for all that belligerent rhetoric about
Saddam Hussein - Bush's real goal all along was to keep Iraq
on the front pages to bolster support for Republican candidates.
Now he's off on a massive cross-country taxpayer-funded GOP
money grab when he should be in the White House conducting
the country's important business. I thought we were at war?
Sure we're at war - unless the GOP manages to retain the House
and regain the Senate. Then what do you bet there'll be all
sorts of far more important business to attend to?
Like appointing hard-core conservative judges, making deficit-causing
tax cuts permanent, privatizing Social Security, overturning
Roe vs. Wade... etc., etc., etc.
There was more hilarity last week in the California gubernatorial
campaign, when GOP candidate "Desperate" Bill Simon
Governor Gray Davis of accepting illegal campaign contributions.
Simon released two photographs which claimed to show Davis
accepting a check from Monty Holden, executive director of
the California Organization of Police and Sheriffs (COPS)
in the Lieutenant Governor's office at the state Capitol.
began handwringing in front of TV cameras and on conservative
talk radio, pointing to the photographs as evidence of Gray
Davis's lack of ethics, and outright accusing him of illegal
activity. Except there was one tiny problem: on further inspection,
it became clear that the photographs were not taken in the
LG's office at all, but in a private home when he was running
for Governor back in 1998. Which is, obviously, completely
legal. Simon's gaffe caused various California newspapers
to write such flattering
lines as, "This is now just a case of a corpse kicking himself,"
"That gurgling sound you heard Tuesday was Bill Simon's
political credibility going down the toilet," and "Simon
swung wildly and stumbled into the other guy's corner on his
butt." And, just to pour a little extra humiliation onto himself,
Desperate Bill finally came out and tried to claim
that, "It's not my allegation... This is California Organization
of Police and Sheriffs speaking, not me." What a loser!
Illinois State Rifle Association
How far will gun nuts go to try and prove their point? Well...
maybe a little too far. In the wake of the DC area
sniper shootings, local politicians have been quiet on the
gun control issue, obviously not wishing to politicize such
a terrible situation. But it's sure not going to stop the
Illinois State Rifle Association, who put this
gem in the recent edition of their newsletter Roundup:
"Far be it from us to advance conspiracy theories, but the
timing of this sniper activity is unsettling. Maryland has
one of the hottest governor's races in the country, certainly
hotter than that in Illinois. The central theme of the Maryland
race is gun control. Things heat up. There is this off the
wall series of sniper killings. Murder made to order for the
antigunners." Murder made to order. That's right, folks.
The Illinois State Rifle Association is suggesting that some
clever liberal is out there murdering people on behalf of
Kathleen Kennedy Townsend. How low can you go? Well - sadly,
even lower. Check out this response to the Illinois Council
Against Handgun Violence's annual writing and art contest
for students (from the same newsletter): "The state's largest
gun-grabbing group will hold its yearly group-grope on the
Federal Plaza on Monday. Certainly all the antigun politicians
will be there tripping all over each other to see who will
portray themselves as being the most antigun. Intermixed with
all the damning statements about the NRA (most of the folks
in the crowd can't even spell NRA) will be silly awards for
silly poems and a sappy story from some mom whose honor student
kid was gunned down at 3 a.m. on his way home from the library
to choir practice. Of course, we'll hear how the little angel
wanted to be a doctor. Question, how come all these dead kids
wanted to be doctors? Obviously, wanting to be a doctor is
the problem, not guns." Beautiful stuff, huh?
New York Daily News
And so, while George W. Bush prepares to go on a nationwide
Republican wank-fest, the media continues its dismissal of
Al Gore. Last week Gore made an extremely important speech,
but you wouldn't know it if you read the New York Daily
News. Why? Because they seemed to be far more concerned
with the human interest angle - that, ha ha, Al Gore
was too fat to wear his wedding ring. "Al Gore came to
blast President Bush's handling of the economy but in the
end got caught up in The Wedding Ring controversy," reported
the Daily News. Excuse me, the "Wedding Ring controversy?"
The final four paragraphs of the article discussed in brief
Gore's scathing criticism of Bush's economic policy, but it
was obvious that the fact that Gore has gained some weight
was the big story here. Amazing what kind of crap the "liberal
media" is capable of churning out these days, isn't it?
Here's a brilliant piece of grassroots campaigning, conservative-idiot
style. The story begins when a St. Petersburg, FL, deputy
heard a loud crash and saw a man running to climb into a pickup
truck, which sped off. The deputy stopped the truck and according
to the St. Petersburg Times, found "a hammer,
two pairs of gloves, four Karen Thurman for Congress signs,
driver Larry Laxton and passenger Harvey Waite, husband of
Thurman's Republican opponent, Ginny Brown-Waite." Whoops!
The two men had obviously worked hard on a cover story - Laxton
said that he'd found the signs lying on the side of the road,
and Waite said that they were from a construction site. Nice
going, boys! Clearly this wasn't going to work, so they owned
up. In his defense, Waite whined, "We have been having a lot
of our signs stolen and it is very frustrating." Cry me a
river, bub. Apparently Brown-Waite does "not condone
her husband's actions," and is presumably now wondering
why she married this unbelievable doofus in the first place.
Poor old Mike Taylor has been washed away on a "sea of
sleaze" - at least, that's what he says happened.
Taylor last week dropped out of Montana's Senate race after
a Democratic Party-sponsored ad accused
him of running a "student loan scam at his Denver-area
hairstyling schools in the 1990s," according
to the Great Falls Tribune. But that's not why he dropped
out - see, Taylor reckons that the ads are actually secretly
implying that he's gay, and that it would take "millions
of dollars" of advertising to counter that claim. Hey
- him and Rush Limbaugh said it, not us. In typical Republican
fashion, Taylor is running straight to the courts to fix a
problem he can't solve himself - he's threatening to sue the
Democratic Party and his opponent Sen. Max Baucus for libel.
Taylor says that the student loan scam claim is simply not
true - apparently "auditors from the U.S. Department
of Education had simply uncovered some bookkeeping errors."
Uh, yeah, right. Oh, and he also wants you to know that he's
NOT GAY. Not that there's anything wrong with that,
West Virginia Family Foundation
The gayoskeptics seem to be out in force this week - check
out the West Virginia Family Foundation, who last week accused
a school anti-bullying program of secretly promoting that
ol' favorite, the "gay agenda." The Family Foundation
that, "the 'project' is really nothing more than hate
crimes training for children under the guise of an anti-bullying
program." Why? Because the program's booklet suggests that
teachers should, "Tell students not to assume all their
classmates are heterosexual, but acknowledge that some students
are homosexual and bisexual," and "Identify the
contributions of homosexuals in history, literature, art,
science and religion and expand libraries to include books
related to sexual diversity." My goodness, we can't have
that! This is the very fabric of society we're talking about
here! And anyway, surely every "pro-family" person
knows that if you want to cure gayness you have to catch it
early - so what's wrong with knocking the stuffing out of
Ya gotta admit, playing politics with September 11 is a ballsy
move - especially when your motives are purely personal. Last
week in Missouri, Taney County officials finally (and reluctantly)
agreed to hang a plaque of remembrance for a Missourian who
was killed at the World Trade Center. Why the long wait? Because
he was a Democrat, of course! The late John Willett was appointed
to county treasurer in 1996, where he accused the county's
clerk and collector (both Republicans) of "illegally
entering into personal contracts to collect property taxes
for six area cities," according
to the Associated Press. The two men were eventually cleared,
but it didn't stop county officials from putting partisanship
first and not only refusing to put up the plaque, but also
intentionally failing to mention Willet's name during a remembrance
ceremony. Ah, the party of honor and integrity, patriotism
and compassion. Doesn't it just make you want to... puke?
Oh dear - someone should have told Jeb Bush that it's a good
idea to check for reporters before you start making dumb statements
which totally contradict your public policy statements. At
a meeting last week with Pensacola lawmakers, Bush said that
he had "devious plans'' to prevent a constitutional amendment
which would mandate smaller class sizes. And he said that
he wants to" give the Legislature the power to set teachers'
salaries, bypassing locally elected school boards" -
a reversal of the current Republican position. And finally,
he "bragged to the lawmakers he had some 'juicy details'
about the caregivers of Rilya Wilson, the girl who disappeared
from her Miami home this year after state workers failed to
check on her," suggesting that the women were lesbians,
to the Tampa Tribune. So there you have it, folks -
a rare peek into the real thoughts of a Bush family
member, and the inconsistencies between what they spew in
public and what they think in private. Doesn't it make you
proud to have this family in charge?
And finally: what do you do if your son's failed congressional
bid received less-than-favorable coverage from your local
newspaper? Why, take massive retaliatory action of course!
to the Austin American-Statesman Dick Armey recently
"tried to have language inserted into a $10 billion military
appropriations bill to force Belo Corp. to divest itself of
one of its three Dallas media properties." And all because
the Belo-owned Denton Record-Chronicle "looked
at Scott Armey's record as judge, including his votes for
contracts benefiting political associates" during his
campaign. Tsk, tsk. Apparently at the time Armey accused the
newspaper of "vicious unprofessionalism." Not like,
say, attempting to hijack a military appropriations bill to
get petty revenge on some nasty newsmen who told the truth
about your son. That's not unprofessional, is it? See
you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List