Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 79)
Now Watch My Drive Edition
again, George W. Bush has hit the trifecta - landing himself
on the list three times (1, 5, 10), including a bit of idiocy
that was worthy of the cover of Time magazine. But
Bob Barr is giving Dubya a run for his money, showing up twice
(3, 7), for idiocy involving guns and campaign commercials.
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney (2) is spinning Halliburton, Bill Simon
(4) is hanging by a thread, and Al Hanson (6) is making an
impressive electoral showing for a Republican felon. As usual,
here's the key.
It's getting harder and harder to knock Dubya off his perch
- our alleged president has now topped the chart for a fourth
straight week. The latest metaphorical pretzel to be metaphorically
stuffed down Junior's throat comes courtesy of Time
magazine, who reported last week that Clinton administration
plans to strike at al Qaeda were ignored
by the Bush administration until it was way, way too late.
But hang on - I thought that 9/11 was all that dadburned Bill
Clinton's fault? Yes Cleetus, it was. Now go feed those goldanged
pigs. Anyway, the Bush administration offered a carefully-worded
denial last week, basically dismissing the style but not the
substance of the report. Oh dear. Well, we've said it before
and we'll say it again: thank goodness the adults are back
in charge. Honor, integrity, etc, etc, etc..... bah.
Oh, we can only hope that these words come back to bite Dick
Cheney in the ass. Last week Vice President Crashcart spoke
out publicly for the first time about Halliburton Inc.
- the firm he used to head which is currently under federal
investigation - saying that he has "great affection and respect
for Halliburton, it's a fine company." Oh, sure. Well, they
did give him a $34 million retirement package, so he can't
really complain. And George W. Bush has already said that
he's sure Dick Cheney will be exonerated by the SEC for Halliburton's
alleged Enron-style accounting. And they've only had about
273,300 suits filed against them since 1976 by workers suffering
from asbestos-related diseases. And Halliburton subsidiaries
did such great work helping Saddam Hussein to rebuild his
infrastructure after the Gulf War. They're a fine company
So much for gun safety - Georgia congressman and Reagan brown-noser
Bob Barr almost did himself a mischief with an antique .38
at a neighborhood reception last week. Apparently Barr was
at his pal Bruce Widener's house when they went down to the
basement to check out Widener's firearm collection. As Widener
handed Barr the aforementioned .38-caliber pistol it went
off, blowing a hole through a glass door. Boy, Eddie Eagle
must be pissed! According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution,
"Widener said he had just placed the weapon in Barr's hand
when 'one of us hit the trigger.' He isn't sure who." Wow,
that's some responsible firearm-handling. And Barr, for his
part, made this bizarre statement: "this accident only underscores
the importance of proven gun safety measures, especially when
owning and handling antique firearms." Presumably that would
be proven gun safety measures such as trying not to pull the
trigger of the gun somebody is handing to you.
This could be the swan song for California governor-wannabe
Bill Simon, a man who's attracted much attention on our list
in the last few weeks. It turns out that Mr. Unembarrasable
himself, George W. Bush, is actually thinking about pulling
the plug on his support for Simon's campaign. After allegations
of fraud, swindling, and various other carny-tricks, Simon's
reputation is in worse shape than Dick Cheney - and now his
fate rests in the hands of a soon-to-be-released private poll.
If the poll numbers look bad, Simon can kiss his presidential
support - and probably the election - goodbye. And what a
shame that would be, eh folks?
Dagnabbit, Dubya just can't seem to keep himself off the list
these days. And unfortunately it's for a good reason - he's
a complete nincompoop. Take this report
from last week's Washington Post for example: "The
economic forum President Bush is staging in Texas next week
will feature several wealthy Republican donors and will exclude
vocal opponents of his policies." Okay. How dumb is this?
First he excludes people who might - shock horror - have some
better ideas than he does about how to manage the economy.
But as if that wasn't enough, he also invites several wealthy
Republican donors to take part. Brilliant! It's not like
there's a major crooked-corporation-influence-buying-economy-wrecking
scandal going on right now, after all. So hats off to George
W. Bush - for doing more political damage to himself than
his opponents ever could.
Welcome to Missouri, where dead men win elections and convicted
can become state auditor. What's that you say? Yes, we've
all heard about Mel Carnahan's terrific victory over loser
John Ashcroft, but last week an equally bizarre story came
to light. It turns out that the man who won the recent GOP
primary for Missouri state auditor once served prison time
for theft. According to the Columbia Daily Tribune
as state auditor he would be in charge of "rooting out the
waste and abuse of state resources," which should be interesting.
I guess Republicans have figured out that since being funded
by thieves won't get them into trouble, they might as well
start running them openly for office.
Bob Barr may not be very good with firearms, but when it comes
to the English language he's much gooder. "Gooder," I hear
you cry? Yup, the man who lists one of his most important
achievements as helping to spend $70 million of taxpayer's
money impeaching Bill Clinton came out with a new campaign
ad last week. The ad features two farmers - one rugged and
handsome, the other decrepit and toothless (Barr is obviously
going for the entire farmer demographic with this ad) - conversing
over a fence somewhere in the middle of nowhere. After the
rugged farmer reads off a bunch of reasons why Barr should
be elected over his opponent John Linder, the decrepit farmer
announces, "Linder's good too. But Barr's gooder." Cut to
text slogan: Barr's Just Gooder. And listen for the distant
thunderclap as every single one of Georgia's English teachers
shoot themselves. See the ad for yourself here
Shady election officials are at it again in Florida, and as
usual the potential victims are Democrats. Just last week
the Democratic candidates for governor got their first look
at the primary ballot - and they didn't like what they saw.
According to the Associated Press, the ballot "instructs voters
to "Vote for One Pair," meaning they should choose a combined
entry for governor and lieutenant governor." But none of the
Democratic candidates has selected a running mate yet, and
since the ballot reads "Not Yet Designated" in the space provided
for a running mate, there's going to be a lot of confusion
when people start voting for pairs, don't you think? The Florida
Democratic Party is suing to have the wording changed on the
ballots, but meanwhile you can stick another feather in the
cap of Florida's election system.
Voters wishing for a return to fiscal responsibility may want
to dismiss Ben Nighthorse Campbell purely for the way he's
his campaign funds. The ex-Democrat, who won't be running
again until 2004, has apparently lost almost half of his funds
to the stock market. Campbell aggressively invested what was
left of his 1998 campaign contributions - and when the stock
market tanked it was bye-bye Benjamins. I wonder if this is
part of the conservative plan to show us why it would be a
great idea to privatize Social Security? Unfazed, Campbell
shrugged off his financial woes with a tough-guy stance, saying
"It depends how much guts you've got, and I'm long on courage."
Bravo, you moron.
And finally, When does George's vacation start exactly? Last
week he was off playing golf with dad when he heard about
the latest suicide bombing in Israel. Faced with reporters'
questions, George rose to the occasion in typical fashion.
He stepped aside from the tee and said he was "distressed"
at the bombing, and added, "There are a few killers who want
to stop the peace process that we have started. We must not
let them." He obviously wasn't that distressed though,
since according to Yahoo News he then turned back to the tee,
"smirked and ordered: 'Now watch my drive.'" Yes folks, if
you want to know exactly how distressed George W. Bush
is about the Middle East situation - well, he's more concerned
about having his golf game interrupted. See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List