Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 80)
Bush Under Fire Edition
So, by our count Dubya has made it onto the list 13 times
in the last five weeks. That's pretty impressive, even for
a conservative idiot of his stature. And Chimpy McCokespoon
tops the chart again this week, by pissing off just
about everybody who voted for him. It doesn't get much more
idiotic than that, but then this is George W. Bush
we're talking about. Struggling to keep up with George we
have five Enron executives at number 3 - they decided that
they did such a good job that they want more money from their
now-bankrupt company. And John Ashcroft (4) makes a reappearance,
this time calling for internment camps to house Americans
who have been stripped of their Constitutional rights. No
comment. Meanwhile Bill Simon (7) is becoming quite a regular,
Rep. Bill Thomas (8) wields his powers recklessly, and the
world's least private citizen works hard to make it into the
number ten slot. Enjoy, and as usual, here's the key.
week is our Third Quarter Fund Drive. Please consider
making a DONATION
to help keep our website online. We'll even send
you some bumper stickers!
Dubya seems to be seriously foundering these days. He's managed
to alienate the rest of the world and now he's starting on
the people who voted for him. First, Bush told
CEOs last week that corporate America should "adopt old-fashioned
farm values of 'hard work and honesty,'" which I'm sure
they were thrilled to hear. Bush then went to Mount Rushmore
it to those very same farmers, denying federal funding
to drought-plagued South Dakotans because South Dakota only
has three electoral votes. Um, I mean, because he wants to
rein in spending so that his ridiculous tax cut won't cause
any more deficits. (Actually, that's a good point - can't
the farmers just use the $300 he sent them last year to rehydrate
their fields?) Finally, Bush was seriously dissed by
the International Association of Fire Fighters, who, according
to Reuters, voted unanimously last week to "boycott a
national tribute to firefighters who died on Sept. 11, in
an angry response to U.S. President George Bush's rejection
of a bill that included $340 million to fund fire departments."
Ouch! IAFF general president Harold Schaitberger said, "Don't
lionize our fallen brothers in one breath, and then stab us
in the back by eliminating funding for our members to fight
terrorism and stay safe. President Bush, you are either with
us or against us. You can't have it both ways." KABLAMMO!
Meanwhile, Dubya was desperately
trying to look like he was doing something presidential last
week, holding a faux economic summit in Waco, TX. Just what
is it about Waco and right-wing crazies holed up in heavily
guarded compounds? Anyway, this made-for-TV Bush Economic
Infomercial featured CEOs and other millionaires, and of course,
hand-picked right-wing "ordinary Americans" (barf).
Unsurprisingly, everybody agreed that the economy was doing
just fine, that we really need to make Bush's magnificent
tax cut permanent, and that the government should stop spending
money on dumb liberal causes, such as, uh, aiding drought-plagued
farmers in South Dakota. Interestingly both Bush and
the Incredible Disappearing Dick Cheney were at the conference,
although Bush kept staring off into space and Cheney looked
like a man who'd been told he couldn't play with the levers
of power until he finished all of his vegetables. And despite
only spending twenty minutes at each seminar, Bush told the
paid stooges - I mean, ordinary Americans - that "I
can assure that even though I won't be sitting through every
single moment of the seminars - nor will the vice president
- we will look at the summaries." Well that's good
to know. Economic recovery here we come!
Not content with cooking the books and making a fortune while
wrecking the lives of most of their former employees, some
former Enron executives last week had the gall to ask a bankruptcy
court for even more money! Hard to believe, but it's
true. Five insiders, including former CEO Jeffrey Skilling's
wife, decided not to join a tentative settlement that would
give around 3,550 ex-Enron employees up to $13,500 each in
severance. No, instead greed got the better of them and they
filed individual claims seeking hundreds of thousands of dollars
more. The sickening hypocrisy is that the insiders are claiming
"administrative expenses... for services they rendered that
helped preserve the value of the company after it filed for
to Yahoo News. Shame they didn't do more to help preserve
the value of the company before it filed for bankruptcy,
Attorney General John Ashcroft has got some fabulous new ideas
for Dubya's war on terror. The latest and greatest idea is
one which will not be unfamiliar to those who remember World
War II: internment camps! That's right, Ashcroft disclosed
a plan last week which, according
to the LA Times, "would allow him to order the
indefinite incarceration of US citizens and summarily strip
them of their constitutional rights and access to the courts
by declaring them enemy combatants." Brilliant! So the
combination of Operation TIPS and Ashcroft's plan to lock
up "any citizen whom he deems to be part of a wider terrorist
conspiracy," should mean that it won't be too long before
we solve the problem of terrorists hating us for our freedom...
Thank goodness we have such a well-informed medical expert
in charge of the nation's health issues! What's that? We don't?
Bummer. Last week Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy
Thompson gave a little speech about the West Nile virus, firmly
reassuring the citizens of Wisconsin that, "We haven't had
any attacks as of anybody receiving West Nile virus or encephalopoulus."
Encephalopoulus? Hmmm. Surely the head of the Department of
health and Human Services didn't mean encephalitis,
did he? Why yes! When asked about the pressing issue of encephalopoulus,
an "irritated" Thompson spokesman said, "What's
the point? He meant encephalitis." So that's cleared that
up. Or has it? Apparently
the spokesman went on to suggest that "there might even
be a real disease called encephalopoulus." So maybe Tommy
does know what he's talking about! Or he could just
be an ass. We report, you decide.
Everybody knows that the Afghanistan's Taliban were a bunch
of hate-filled, anti-American extremists. So why was Republican
Congressman Dana Rohrabacher engaged
in secret meetings with them back in April 2001, only months
before 9/11? According to Rohrabacher, he was there to offer
a "peace plan," which he insists was done on his own initiative,
not as a representative of the US government. ("Hey, I'm a
Congressman from America. We want to be your friend!") Unfortunately
for Dana, his actions weren't only reckless and maybe even
traitorous - they were also illegal. Of course, the law never
stopped conservative idiots from conducting secret foreign
policy with Islamic extremists halfway around the Globe. Heck,
Dana could be the next Ollie North!
We thought we'd seen the last of Bill Simon, but it appears
that he's striving for conservative idiocy to the very end.
So: you're a candidate for governor of California and you're
trying to connect with the common man. But you've got a problem.
Eventually, you're gonna have to make those tax returns public,
and Joe Sixpack will find out that you're just another multimillionaire
con-man. What do you do? Bill Simon says: "Get a tax extension!"
Simon has announced
that he will apply for a second tax extension, because apparently
four months was not enough for his army of accountants to
get all the proper documentation in order. This extension
will push the deadline to October 15, which is just spittin'
distance from Election day. One more extension, and he's home
free! Not that it really matters. Last week Simon laid off
half of his staff, apparently
because the greedy bastard won't spend any more of his own
money on his pathetic loser campaign, which is going down
in flames. How Republican of you, Bill. Give pink slips
to the little guys. But never expect any sacrifice from the
guy in charge.
What does California Congressman Bill Thomas do when he receives
email complaints about his conduct on television? Why, he
gets the sender of the email fired
of course! Two weeks ago Brian Robin, a former sportswriter
for an LA Times community newspaper, saw Rep. Thomas
on CNN blaming Bill Clinton for the current corporate scandals.
Incensed at the congressman's "moral bankruptcy,"
Robin emailed a rebuke to Thomas - but he made one fatal error.
As his personal email server wasn't working, he used his work
address to send the email. Two days later he got a phone call
from Thomas' office asking him to confirm that he worked for
the LA Times. Later that day he was called into his
boss's office and suspended. A week later, he was fired, apparently
for violating the "no personal emails" rule. Seems
a little excessive, no? Well, quite. But unfortunately that's
what you get when you mess with the thin-skinned, vengeful
bastards that George W. Bush likes to call "compassionate
Department of Children & Families
Well it's nice that the Florida Department of Children and
Families cares enough about missing kids to keep a list, but
perhaps they could do something even more useful -
like looking for them. The South Florida Sun-Sentinel
last week that it had done a study of 24 children reported
as missing, and found 9 of them almost straight away. For
example, "two sisters missing since 1997 have been living
in Wisconsin with their mother, whose phone number is listed
in directory assistance." Or, "four Miami brothers
listed as missing since January have been routinely seen in
their neighborhood - a mile from DCF offices." Well,
it's nice to know that Jeb Bush's state government is intent
on leaving no child behind. Um, unless it means having to
pick up the telephone, or look out of the window...
And finally: yeah, yeah, we know - the Bush daughters are
private citizens, we shouldn't bash them, what about Chelsea
Clinton... etc, etc. But you know what? Screw that.
Last week George W. Bush impressed upon America's CEOs the
need for "values of hard work and honesty. I'm talking
about telling the truth." Come now George, the truth?
You mean like when you told the nation that you hid your alcohol-related
arrests so that your kids wouldn't make the same mistakes?
That's pretty funny. And as for hard work, well it seems that
there's one type of hard work for "ordinary Americans"
and another for the Bush family. Last week Jenna Bush was
seen with two friends in St. Tropez drinking a $225 bottle
of vodka, followed by a $225 bottle of tequila. Wow - she
must have been working really hard at her summer internship
to have earned that kind of cash! But hard work obviously
has it's own rewards: just think - if they'd had one more
bottle they would have spent more on booze in an afternoon
than Jenna's two alchol-related convictions cost her in fines.
See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List