The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 79)
August 12, 2002
Now Watch My Drive Edition

Once again, George W. Bush has hit the trifecta - landing himself on the list three times (1, 5, 10), including a bit of idiocy that was worthy of the cover of Time magazine. But Bob Barr is giving Dubya a run for his money, showing up twice (3, 7), for idiocy involving guns and campaign commercials. Meanwhile, Dick Cheney (2) is spinning Halliburton, Bill Simon (4) is hanging by a thread, and Al Hanson (6) is making an impressive electoral showing for a Republican felon. As usual, here's the key.

George W. Bush
It's getting harder and harder to knock Dubya off his perch - our alleged president has now topped the chart for a fourth straight week. The latest metaphorical pretzel to be metaphorically stuffed down Junior's throat comes courtesy of Time magazine, who reported last week that Clinton administration plans to strike at al Qaeda were ignored by the Bush administration until it was way, way too late. But hang on - I thought that 9/11 was all that dadburned Bill Clinton's fault? Yes Cleetus, it was. Now go feed those goldanged pigs. Anyway, the Bush administration offered a carefully-worded denial last week, basically dismissing the style but not the substance of the report. Oh dear. Well, we've said it before and we'll say it again: thank goodness the adults are back in charge. Honor, integrity, etc, etc, etc..... bah.

Dick Cheney
Oh, we can only hope that these words come back to bite Dick Cheney in the ass. Last week Vice President Crashcart spoke out publicly for the first time about Halliburton Inc. - the firm he used to head which is currently under federal investigation - saying that he has "great affection and respect for Halliburton, it's a fine company." Oh, sure. Well, they did give him a $34 million retirement package, so he can't really complain. And George W. Bush has already said that he's sure Dick Cheney will be exonerated by the SEC for Halliburton's alleged Enron-style accounting. And they've only had about 273,300 suits filed against them since 1976 by workers suffering from asbestos-related diseases. And Halliburton subsidiaries did such great work helping Saddam Hussein to rebuild his infrastructure after the Gulf War. They're a fine company alright.

Bob Barr
So much for gun safety - Georgia congressman and Reagan brown-noser Bob Barr almost did himself a mischief with an antique .38 at a neighborhood reception last week. Apparently Barr was at his pal Bruce Widener's house when they went down to the basement to check out Widener's firearm collection. As Widener handed Barr the aforementioned .38-caliber pistol it went off, blowing a hole through a glass door. Boy, Eddie Eagle must be pissed! According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, "Widener said he had just placed the weapon in Barr's hand when 'one of us hit the trigger.' He isn't sure who." Wow, that's some responsible firearm-handling. And Barr, for his part, made this bizarre statement: "this accident only underscores the importance of proven gun safety measures, especially when owning and handling antique firearms." Presumably that would be proven gun safety measures such as trying not to pull the trigger of the gun somebody is handing to you.

Bill Simon
This could be the swan song for California governor-wannabe Bill Simon, a man who's attracted much attention on our list in the last few weeks. It turns out that Mr. Unembarrasable himself, George W. Bush, is actually thinking about pulling the plug on his support for Simon's campaign. After allegations of fraud, swindling, and various other carny-tricks, Simon's reputation is in worse shape than Dick Cheney - and now his fate rests in the hands of a soon-to-be-released private poll. If the poll numbers look bad, Simon can kiss his presidential support - and probably the election - goodbye. And what a shame that would be, eh folks?

George W. Bush
Dagnabbit, Dubya just can't seem to keep himself off the list these days. And unfortunately it's for a good reason - he's a complete nincompoop. Take this report from last week's Washington Post for example: "The economic forum President Bush is staging in Texas next week will feature several wealthy Republican donors and will exclude vocal opponents of his policies." Okay. How dumb is this? First he excludes people who might - shock horror - have some better ideas than he does about how to manage the economy. But as if that wasn't enough, he also invites several wealthy Republican donors to take part. Brilliant! It's not like there's a major crooked-corporation-influence-buying-economy-wrecking scandal going on right now, after all. So hats off to George W. Bush - for doing more political damage to himself than his opponents ever could.

Al Hanson
Welcome to Missouri, where dead men win elections and convicted felons can become state auditor. What's that you say? Yes, we've all heard about Mel Carnahan's terrific victory over loser John Ashcroft, but last week an equally bizarre story came to light. It turns out that the man who won the recent GOP primary for Missouri state auditor once served prison time for theft. According to the Columbia Daily Tribune as state auditor he would be in charge of "rooting out the waste and abuse of state resources," which should be interesting. I guess Republicans have figured out that since being funded by thieves won't get them into trouble, they might as well start running them openly for office.

Bob Barr
Bob Barr may not be very good with firearms, but when it comes to the English language he's much gooder. "Gooder," I hear you cry? Yup, the man who lists one of his most important achievements as helping to spend $70 million of taxpayer's money impeaching Bill Clinton came out with a new campaign ad last week. The ad features two farmers - one rugged and handsome, the other decrepit and toothless (Barr is obviously going for the entire farmer demographic with this ad) - conversing over a fence somewhere in the middle of nowhere. After the rugged farmer reads off a bunch of reasons why Barr should be elected over his opponent John Linder, the decrepit farmer announces, "Linder's good too. But Barr's gooder." Cut to text slogan: Barr's Just Gooder. And listen for the distant thunderclap as every single one of Georgia's English teachers shoot themselves. See the ad for yourself here (Quicktime format).

Florida
Shady election officials are at it again in Florida, and as usual the potential victims are Democrats. Just last week the Democratic candidates for governor got their first look at the primary ballot - and they didn't like what they saw. According to the Associated Press, the ballot "instructs voters to "Vote for One Pair," meaning they should choose a combined entry for governor and lieutenant governor." But none of the Democratic candidates has selected a running mate yet, and since the ballot reads "Not Yet Designated" in the space provided for a running mate, there's going to be a lot of confusion when people start voting for pairs, don't you think? The Florida Democratic Party is suing to have the wording changed on the ballots, but meanwhile you can stick another feather in the cap of Florida's election system.

Ben Nighthorse Campbell
Voters wishing for a return to fiscal responsibility may want to dismiss Ben Nighthorse Campbell purely for the way he's handled his campaign funds. The ex-Democrat, who won't be running again until 2004, has apparently lost almost half of his funds to the stock market. Campbell aggressively invested what was left of his 1998 campaign contributions - and when the stock market tanked it was bye-bye Benjamins. I wonder if this is part of the conservative plan to show us why it would be a great idea to privatize Social Security? Unfazed, Campbell shrugged off his financial woes with a tough-guy stance, saying "It depends how much guts you've got, and I'm long on courage." Bravo, you moron.

George W. Bush
And finally, When does George's vacation start exactly? Last week he was off playing golf with dad when he heard about the latest suicide bombing in Israel. Faced with reporters' questions, George rose to the occasion in typical fashion. He stepped aside from the tee and said he was "distressed" at the bombing, and added, "There are a few killers who want to stop the peace process that we have started. We must not let them." He obviously wasn't that distressed though, since according to Yahoo News he then turned back to the tee, "smirked and ordered: 'Now watch my drive.'" Yes folks, if you want to know exactly how distressed George W. Bush is about the Middle East situation - well, he's more concerned about having his golf game interrupted. See you next week!