Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 62)
Trademark Idiocy Edition
you're looking for conservative idiocy, the ten listed below
are trademark specimens. Jeb Bush
(1) tries to make it illegal to criticize him during an election
year, Rush Limbaugh (3) puts "Crossfire" in the
crossfire, and Rev. Michael Taylor (4) says Dubya was chosen
by God. Meanwhile, Carl Ford and James Kelly (5) do the Taiwan
slush-fund shuffle, Spence Abraham (6) chows down, and Edmund
Matricardi III (7) engages in some (alleged) GOP dirty tricks.
Finally, Bush Administration Officials (10) don't think you're
clapping loud enough! So clap! Louder! And click here
for the icons.
Itching to pick a fight with Governor Jebbie as he struggles
for re-election this year? Of course you are; we all hate
that guy. Here's a word of advice: you had better not call
the Jebster by name, because you might find yourself slapped
with a nasty lawsuit. You see, he's getting his name trademarked
so nobody else can use it. It all seems innocent enough: Jeb
claims to be upset that a GOP front group, "Americans
for Jeb Bush" shouldn't have the right to use his name,
because people might get confused... So he's trademarking
it. I know what you're thinking: Hey, if Jeb wants to shut
down a Republican group, that's great. Not so fast
there, buckaroo. What happens when some Dems start a group
called "Americans to defeat Jeb Bush"? Once Jeb
Bush has the legal precedent he wants, do you think
he's going to call off the lawyers when some Democrats try
the same thing? Don't count on it. I'm not real big on conspiracy
theories, but I'm guessing we won't see a very vigorous legal
defense from the folks over at Americans for Jeb Bush.
As the Middle East goes up in smoke and George W. Bush sits
on his ass in Crawford, right-wing warhawks are lining
up to encourage Bush to continue his do-nothing policies.
Bills Kristol and Bennett, the Wall Street Journal,
and the National Review (among others) have recently
been bashing any attempts by the administration - no matter
how pathetic - to restart the peace process as "moral
confusion" and "Clintonite wishful thinking."
(Yes, we must end the nightmare of peace and prosperity!)
Of course, Bush's nonsensical black-and-white "you're
either with us or against us" doctrine is causing a bit
of a problem - because now the same hawks who advocate direct
intervention in Afghanistan and Iraq have suddenly had to
shut up when it comes to the Israel/Palestine conflict. Which
just goes to show that the right-wingnut hawks would rather
see endless war in the Middle East than appear to contradict
Some conservatives aren't ashamed to contradict themselves
though, and here's the master: Rush Limbaugh. Sweatboy had
an interesting review
of the new "Crossfire" up on his website last week,
a review which would leave even the most hypocrisy-resistant
gagging and clutching at their throats as they struggled to
stay upright. Comments such as, "These are not broadcasters,
folks, they're partisans. They're childish, immature little
kids in a sandbox kicking stuff around," and, "Do
they really think that a bunch of sniveling, partisan hacks
lying through their teeth is going to build a huge audience?"
leave one wondering whether Kaptain Krispy Kreme has left
the planet Earth for good and is now orbiting a faraway sun
somewhere in another dimension. Rush, here's a mirror. Take
a good look in it, and (assuming it doesn't break) say H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E
two hundred fifty times. Feeling any slight twinges of shame?
Nah, thought not.
I would have thought that ministers of the Lord were above
such earthly pursuits as sycophantic brown-nosing, but apparently
that ain't the case in Bush country. George Jr. got a good
laugh out of his Easter service last week when the Reverend
Michael Taylor started banging on about how the outcome of
the 2000 presidential election was the will
of God. "My friend, President Bush, for us who believe,
that day of the counting it was all over but the shouting,"
he said, to a rousing chorus of "Amen!" Taylor went
on, "My friends, a lot of you are here strictly to visit and
to see dignitaries that are with us this morning, but you
really ought to be here to visit with Jesus Christ." This
was a reference to front row, which was filled entirely by
the Bush family, including George H.W. Bush (sold arms to
terrorists), George W. Bush (drinking, drugs, draft-dodging,
AWOL, executioner), Laura Bush (vehicular manslaughter), and
Jenna Bush (drunk and disorderly). God certainly does
move in mysterious ways!
Ford and James Kelly
From the "honor and integrity" file: Recently, Taiwan
was rocked by news of a secret NT$3.5 billion slush
fund which was used to buy favors for Taiwan in Washington,
DC, and elsewhere around the world. Leaked documents indicate
that two Bush Administration officials received payments from
the slush fund before they were tapped to join the administration.
One official, Carl Ford, is now the assistant secretary of
defense for intelligence and research, and the other, James
Kelly is the assistant secretary of state of East Asia. Online
Journal reports that Carl Ford was responsible for millions
of dollars donated to the Bush campaign and the RNC. This
raises questions of possible indirect foreign campaign contributions,
something which the GOP tried (unsuccessfully) to pin on Al
Gore. So, where's the outrage about illegal Chinese campaign
contributions this time? And why isn't the liberal media all
over this story?
Spence Abraham has one of the most difficult jobs in Washington
- planning his entire schedule around food.
According to the Washington Post, "His appointment schedule
is crammed with culinary references," including "scheduling
lunch," "working lunch," strategy lunch,"
and "a 'get to know each other' lunch." But it's
not just lunch - how about, "snacks," "heavy
hors d'oeurves," "breakfast," "sandwiches,"
"cocktail party," "dinner," and, of course,
a "cook-off." Interestingly all this gastronomic
information comes from the energy policy documents which were
released recently but mysteriously censored (see Idiots 61).
Seems that the Bush administrations is much more interested
in you knowing the content of Spence Abraham's stomach than
knowing exactly what Dick Cheney did for Ken Lay...
This just in from the Republican dirty tricks department.
Last week the Associated Press reported
that the executive director of the Virginia Republican Party,
Edmund Matricardi III, allegedly tapped illegally into a telephone
call between Democratic Governor Mark Warner, Democratic state
legislators and their lawyers as they plotted strategy in
a redistricting case. While Matricardi refused comment on
the case, one prominent GOPer gave an eyebrow-raising explanation:
According to House Speaker S. Vance Wilkins, the most powerful
Republican legislator in the state, "operatives play these
games all the time." Oh really? Maybe Republican operatives
The Constitution forbids the display of the Ten Commandments
in public schools. But public schools can teach about the
Ten Commandments, as long as it is done in a historical context.
So fundies across the country have been trying to do an end-run
around the U.S. Constitution by posting the Ten Commandments
in a historical context. But usually the effort spent adding
"historical context" is so half-assed that these
displays are blatantly unconstitutional. (Imagine a giant
full-color poster of Moses holding the Ten Commandments, next
to tiny white three-by-five cards with ball-point-pen stick
figures labeled "Julius Caesar," "Alexander
the Great," "Phaeroah" [sic], and, for good
measure, "Martin Luther King, Jr.") After Bradley
County, Tennessee, decided to display the Commandments in
a similar fashion, a clever student filed suit
asking that they also display the Five Pillars of Islam in
a historical context. School officials who were previously
so keen on teaching religious history, suddenly lost enthusiasm.
"At this point we have our agendas full, and there's no point
in the immediate future to address that," said Commission
Chairman Mike Smith. Score another victory for separation
of Church and State!
Paul Scott, a parent in El Cajon, Califorinia, recently filed
a discrimination claim on behalf of his school-aged daughter.
According to the claim, Mr. Scott thinks that his daughter's
right to privacy is being violated because she has to share
a bathroom with lesbian students, so he wants the local school
superintendent to designate separate bathrooms for gay students
and straight students. Fortunately, local education officials
the claim outright. Apparently Mr. Scott didn't get the memo
when the whole "separate but equal" thing was rejected
by the Supreme Court about half a century ago.
And finally: If you ever get the opportunity to go see George
W. Bush in person, remember this: APPLAUD.
VIGOROUSLY. Because if you don't, you see yourself on the
receiving end of the over-sensitive and easily provoked Bush
Administration Spin Machine. Just ask Paul Krugman. At the
recent Gridiron Dinner, while the rest of the media elite
were clapping like a pathetic bunch of trained sea lions,
Krugman did not. According to an anonymous White House source,
Krugman "refused to applaud any of the military leaders
who were announced, nor did he applaud the president, the
vice president or any members of the president's staff."
The source added that Krugman, who was seated in the audience
with hundreds of other people, "stuck out like a sore
thumb." Things are getting ominous here, people. It used
to be that you would get attacked if you criticized
the president. Now the Bush goon squad will publicly savage
you if you don't clap hard enough. See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List