Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 63)
Lott of Hot Air Edition
tops the Lott this week, and it's good to have him back -
although when it comes to playing the race card he faces some
stiff competition from John Cornyn (2). The oh-so-liberal
Media picks up the third slot this week as it becomes clear
that the problem is much worse than we thought, while the
Governor of Utah's son, Chase Leavitt (4) demonstrates how
not to participate in a fight club (that's right -
a fight club). Meanwhile, Katherine Harris (6) is back and
up to her usual lying tricks, and Judge Connie Wilkerson (8)
gives new meaning to compassionate conservatism. Roll up,
roll up! It's the all-singing, all-dancing Conservative Idiots!
(And, as usual, don't forget the key.)
This one's a real stretch, even for our old friend Trent.
Last week, Senate Democrats delayed action on the nomination
of Miguel Estrada, a conservative Hispanic judicial nominee
who has been tipped to go all the way to the U.S. Supreme
Court. This obviously pissed off the Mississippi Hair Helmet
who hasn't had much luck with Democrats and judges recently.
But what's the charge, Trent? Get ready to barf - according
to Senator Moldy-locks, "They don't want Miguel Estrada because
he's Hispanic." Poor Trent. As if being dethroned as Senate
Majority Leader wasn't embarrassing enough, he now seems to
be slipping deeper and deeper into insanity. I mean, we don't
even need to point out that the Democrats have approved three
of Bush's four Hispanic nominees to make the Rugmaster's desperate
racism accusations look weak (not to mention tainted with
the stench of arch-hypocrisy).
Our prediction - Trent's gonna be "spending more time
with his family" within six months.
And while one face of the Republican party insists that Democrats
are racist, another is insisting that they're not racist enough.
The Republican nominee for a Texas Senate seat, John Cornyn,
last week blasted the nomination of Democrat Ron Kirk - Texas's
first black nominee for Senate. Why? Because the Democratic
nominee for governor is Hispanic, and the nominee for lieutenant-governor
is white. And according
to the Dallas Morning News, Cornyn thinks that this
amounts to a "crass appeal for racial bloc voting."
But isn't this odd? I mean, if the Democrats happen to hold
up the nomination of a Hispanic judge, that's racism. But
if they happen to run a ticket which includes a white man,
a black man, and a Hispanic man, that's "cynical"
and "based on a racial quota system." So which is
it, GOP? Do you want more or fewer racial minorities in positions
of power? Tell you what, just get back to us when you've made
up your confused little minds.
Ah, the media. So very biased in favor of the left. Jeez,
you almost have to feel sorry for conservatives considering
how little face time they get in the mainstream media. It
must be a real struggle for the right-wing opinion to be heard
when those rotten liberals have got all the major news organizations
in their pockets. Which is why we were surprised by the results
of a recent DNC study
of CNN. Believe it or not, between January 1 and March
21 this year CNN carried 157 live events involving members
of the Bush administration (96%) and 7 events involving senior
Democratic officials (4%). And CNN aren't the only culprits.
On March 20, for example, all the cable news channels ignored
Democratic press briefings by Tom Daschle and Dick Gephardt
- despite the fact that the House was voting on the budget
and the Senate was about to pass campaign finance reform.
However, on that same day the networks did manage to squeeze
in live appearances by George W. Bush, Ari Fleischer, John
Ashcroft, and, of course, Laura Bush (for good measure). So
don't worry folks, your Democratic leaders actually are
working hard on your behalf, it's just that the "liberal"
media would rather you not know about it.
"Government alone cannot solve child abuse, poverty,
juvenile crime, and the breakup of families. These are deep,
structural, social problems. Part of the solution lies in
the combination of individual responsibility and strong family
life." So says Utah's Governor Mike Leavitt in his vision
for strengthening families and fostering self-reliance on
his very own website.
Which is why we noted with interest a story titled, "Leavitt
son faces charges" in last week's Deseret News.
Yes, it appears that Chase Leavitt, 18, got into a spot of
trouble with the police last December for, um, participating
in a fight club held inside a Mormon church. Strange but true.
Leavitt now faces a maximum of six months in jail and a $1,000
fine for battery, disturbing the peace, and trespassing. Duh...
he obviously forgot the first rule of Mormon Fight Club -
make sure your dad isn't the Governor.
Alaskan State Rep. Ken Lancaster (R-Soldotna) doesn't like
daylight-saving time - and who can blame him? After all, it's
really confusing. Forward an hour, back an hour - whew,
hard to keep on top of it sometimes. Which is why Rep. Lancaster
is filing a bill to get rid of it in Alaska. He told
the Juneau Empire that, "Twice a year everybody is
late for work or forgets to set their clocks... This year
it's on a Sunday, so everybody is going to be late for church."
Twice a year everybody is late for work? Well heck, no wonder
Lancaster is confused if he's setting his clock forward in
the spring and fall. And what the doofus also seems
to have forgotten is that the clocks change on a Sunday every
year. So here we have the case of a State Representative who
wishes to abolish daylight-saving time because it's confusing,
although he is apparently setting his clocks forward on some
undetermined weekday in the middle of October. Genius!
former GOP belle of the ball seems to have been reduced to
the status of gatecrasher. According to Florida's Herald-Tribune,
she "showed up Wednesday night at the dinner featuring
former US House Speaker Newt Gingrich. She was turned away
by club President Marj Baldwin, who told her the event was
sold out." But this apparently was not good enough for
Harris, who then "tried to get into the event in the
Michael's on East restaurant ballroom through an adjoining
wine room." In her defense released a statement claiming
that she is "not a sneak," although Marj Baldwin
apparently "scoffed" at Harris because her press
release was a pack of lies (surprise). So Katherine - you're
not a sneak, eh? I expect you'd like us to believe that you
remained completely impartial during the Florida recount and
that you had absolutely no preference about who should be
president too. We've heard it all before, darling.
Here's yet another great example of how George W. Bush's administration
is changing the tone in Washington, ushering in a bold new
era of bipartisanship and integrity. Last week Condoleezza
Rice gave a Republicans-only security briefing, excluding
House Democrats from the proceedings. Yup, it appears that
this is the way it now works in Dubya's White House - only
give information to half of the people's democratically elected
representatives. Looks like the junta has given up even the
slightest pretense of democracy and is now barreling headlong
into that dictatorship Cokeboy seemed so interested in. Sigh.
Want to see some of that good ol' fashioned compassionate
conservatism? Then feast your eyes on Judge Connie Wilkerson
of Mississippi. In a recent letter to the George County Times
on the topic of gay marriage, Wilkerson wrote
that, "In my opinion, gays and lesbians should be put in some
type of mental institution instead of having a law like this
passed for them," and that gay people should look for help
with their "disease" in the Bible. He also referred to Romans
1:31 and 1:32, which says that those who break God's law and
those who approve of those people are "worthy of death." But
does this opinion affect Wilkerson's work? Why of course not!
"I have no feelings against them," he offered by
way of explanation. "That has nothing to do with my judging."
Riiiight... so you don't have anything against gays
per se, you just want to see them institutionalized, or, if
possible, put to death. We're sure Dubya has already penciled
this guy in for a Supreme Court slot...
Remember the good ol' days when our Interior Secretary actually
tried to protect the environment? Those days are long gone.
Now that Oily Dubya and Halliburton Dick are in charge, the
number one priority of the Interior Secretary (and everyone
else in this administration) is drilling for crude. Interior
Secretary Gale Norton will even break the law to do it. On
the Department of Interior website
there is a short video titled "ANWR
in Winter." The video, produced by pro-drilling lobbyists,
shows clips of a barren arctic tundra, which appears completely
devoid of life. You see, Norton wants you to think "ice cube"
not "baby caribou" whenever you think of ANWR. Unfortunately
for Gale, it's illegal for agencies to distribute film "designed
to support or defeat legislation pending before the Congress."
But who cares about a little lawbreaking? After all, we're
talking about oil!
And finally: at a recent meeting of US Trade Representative
Robert B. Zoellick's labor advisory committee, Zoellick went
to great lengths to explain how important women's empowerment
was to him, and unveiled a long list of programs to help women
workers around the world. Very admirable. Next, he turned
to Deputy Secretary of Labor D. Cameron Findlay for an explanation
of how Trade Adjustment Assistance had too often been ignored.
Findlay: "TAA is treated like a teenage girl in the back
seat of a car. You promise her anything to get what you want.
And then when you get it, you leave her." According
to the Washington Post, "The group, including
five women union reps, was stunned. A red-faced Zoellick put
his hand on Findlay's arm and interjected: 'We still have
some work to do with some of our colleagues.'" No kidding!
See you next week...
a Conservative for Next Week's List