Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 61)
April Conservative Fools Edition
April Fools Day, and we've got 10 conservative fools right
here! In the number one spot, we've got all of the Racist
dittomonkeys who've been howling in pain because not one,
but two black people won Oscars on the same night.
Chuck Yob (3) shows that sexism is alive and well in today's
GOP. Thomas White (4) takes a plane ride on the taxpayer tab.
George Pataki and John Whitehead (8) shake down some businessmen
for campaign cash, while Grover Norquist (9) takes a little
cash from (alleged) terrorists. And bringing up the rear,
we've got the grand pooh-bah of conservative idiots (can you
guess who it is?). As usual, here are the icons.
Dittohead Academy Award Crybabies
As African-Americans won Best Actor and Best Actress at the
Academy Awards last week, conservative idiots across the country
were all reading from the same racist talking
points. It goes something like this: When white people
win Academy Awards, it's because they earned it. But
when black people win Academy Awards, it's because they're
black. Never mind that many of these bigots didn't
even watch the performances they were passing judgment
on; since the actor in question was black, their achievement
was obviously the result of quotas. Jesse Helms would
be proud. (Cue video of Russel Crowe's white
hands crumpling an envelope: "You needed that Academy
Award and you were the best qualified. But they had to give
it to a minority because of a racial quota.") Strangely,
while these pundits were trying to downplay the accomplishments
of these two black actors, they were also trying to claim
credit where they felt it rightfully belonged. You see,
Halle Berry isn't a real black person, but is only
half-black. No doubt it was the white half that truly deserved
to win the Oscar. Too bad the black half showed up to play
the race card.
to Matt Drudge (I know, I know) White House officials were
"furious" last week after CNN reported that "the
U.S. military needs more time to retool its ships, aircraft
and weapons, restock munitions and to rest its troops." One
official was particularly livid, saying, "This is one of the
most unconscionable stories I've ever seen in my years in
public life... How could CNN just tell the world how our troops
now need a rest... The impression that has been left is: 'We
are in retreat!'" Got that, CNN, you traitors? Besmirching
the US military is going to give the terrorists ideas.
But hang on there for just one minute - one of George W. Bush's
campaign points was that "we are in retreat." In
his nomination acceptance speech back in 2000, he told
everyone that "We have seen a steady erosion of American
power and an unsteady exercise of American influence. Our
military is low on parts, pay and morale. If called on by
the commander-in-chief today, two entire divisions of the
Army would have to report ... Not ready for duty, sir." Still,
it's not like the terrorists listened to Bush's repeated trashing
of the military and actually did anything about it. Oh, wait
You've come a long way, baby! For those of you still clinging
to the misconception that the Republican Party doesn't value
its female members, consider this.
According to Republican National Committeeman Chuck Yob of
Michigan, the GOP is a strong supporter of women who run for
elective office. In fact, Yob thinks they're particularly
well suited to be secretary of state because "they like that
kind of work." Our sources tell us that Yob was shocked to
learn that secretary of state isn't actually secretarial
work. "Well, then," he said, "perhaps they'd be better suited
as nurse of state, housewife of state, or stewardess of state."
Army Secretary Thomas "Enron" White is a public
servant, so why shouldn't he spend the public's money on things
like, oh, I dunno, flying across the country to close on the
sale of his house? Thomas White is currently in a spot of
hot water over his ties to Enron - and when I say "ties,"
think BDSM - and is currently teetering on the brink of needing
to spend more time with his family, if you know what I mean.
So you'll be interested to learn
that last week the multi-millionaire Army Secretary used an
army jet to fly to Aspen, Colorado, and sell his $6.5 million,
three-story house - all on the taxpayers' dime. Perhaps this
will be the final embarrassing nail in White's career coffin,
although considering the depth and breadth of this administration's
corruption, he'll probably get a raise.
Hypocrisy was dripping
from the White House walls last week as Captain Unelected
accused the Democrats of playing "petty politics."
Why? The Democrats used their weekly radio address to suggest
that Bush is trying to "curry favor with Latino voters."
Which, to be fair, he is. But surprise! Petty politics were
the rage a couple days later, when Chimpy McCokespoon
signed the long-awaited Campaign Finance Reform bill into
law. Bush signed the bill in the Oval Office at 8am, with
no fanfare, no news cameras, and no invitation to Senators
McCain and Feingold, who co-sponsored the bill. McCain only
found out about the signing when a low-level White House aide
called him at home in Arizona. But of course, Bush wasn't
playing petty politics. "The president is not a hypocrite,"
said a White House official. Yeah right, and Halle Berry's
not black. Jeez.
It's the moment you've all been waiting for! Last week the
administration released 11,000 of 36,000 pages of documents
relating to Dick Cheney's super-secret energy policy meetings.
But if you were looking forward to an exciting smoking-gun
denouement, then I'm afraid you'll be disappointed.
You see, the administration thought it would be amusing to
do a little editing to the papers before they were released,
in some instances censoring entire documents except for the
subject line. Take for example this email from James Duffield,
an economist in the Agriculture Department's office that promotes
ethanol and biofuels: "Joe, here's some comments. I haven't
seen what the boys sent from Houston, so there may be some
redundancy." Sadly the comments have been deleted, so we have
no idea what the "boys sent from Houston." Although
incidentally, the energy task force urged the promotion of
ethanol and biofuels three months later. It's good that, as
the Bush administration is avoiding even the appearance
Hey, did anyone catch Bill O'Reilly's fantastic piece of tele-journalism,
"The Corruption of the American Child" last week?
Wow, that was some hard hitting stuff. I had no idea that
kids liked rock music and violent movies, and it was amazing
how many sexy film clips they managed to squeeze into an hour.
Just to make their point, of course. But I was particularly
interested in the segment about online porn. You see, it turns
out that it's actually masturbation that's leading
this country down the slippery slope of moral decay, and finding
porn online just takes a few clicks of the mouse. But then,
FOX TV should know all about that, since their employees apparently
spend all day surfing for smut instead of actually working.
Yes, the Village Voice reported last week that "managers
not only watched porn on company time but treated subordinates
with 'brazen and vicious disrespect,' including making rude
sexual comments to women and to men about their wives."
So maybe Bill O'Reilly is right after all. Unless of course
it's just working for FOX that turns you into an ass.
Pataki and John Whitehead
We all agree that rebuilding lower Manhattan after 9/11 is
our patriotic duty. Sadly, certain members of the New York
Republican party are using it as an opportunity for a GOP
campaign donor shakedown. (Wave those flags!) Governor George
Pataki has tapped John Whitehead to lead the Lower Manhattan
Development Corp., which will hand out big-bucks contracts
to rebuild downtown New York. Now, guess who is lending his
name to a $1,000-a-plate fundraiser for Governor Pataki? John
Whitehead! According to an anonymous businessman, "you don't
have to be a political genius to know that if you're interested
in doing business with Whitehead's agency and you get an invitation
like this, you're expected to kick
in some cash." Ah, Republicans - true champions of free
and open markets.
Last week the FBI targeted the Safa Trust, a Saudi-backed
charity, in an anti-terrorist raid. Embarrassingly, the Safa
Trust is also known for its substantial financial support
for the US-based Islamic Institute, which was created to build
support for Republicans. The UK Guardian reports
that the Institute "helped to arrange meetings between senior
Bush officials and Islamic leaders" through the services of
conservative activist Grover Norquist, president of Americans
for Tax Reform. In fact, Norquist and the Institute are so
lovey-dovey that they share an office. Whoops! No doubt, Bill
Bennet and his Americans for Victory over the Constitution,
er, I mean Terrorism (see Idiots 59) will be all over
Norquist's anti-American ass. Yeah, right.
And finally, the former vice-president and Dubya-prototype
Dan Quayle was back in the news last week when the former
Prime Minister of New Zealand, David Lange, claimed that New
Zealand's anti-nuclear stance once made him an assassination
target. Apparently Lange told NZ's ONE News that there
was "personal pressure" on him from Dan Quayle: "There were
veiled threats, there were specific threats that were made
to other countries... it was announced to the Australian cabinet
at one stage that I would have to be liquidated." Fortunately
for David Lange, he had some good advisers. "I enquired of
our security sources and was told I shouldn't regard it as
a credible threat because the vice president wasn't regarded
as credible." Well - they got that right! See you next
a Conservative for Next Week's List