Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 51)
First Annual "Idiots of the Year"
Take a walk down memory lane with the conservative idiots!
In honor of the first anniversary of Democratic Underground,
and the first anniversary of the Top Ten Conservative Idiots
list, the editors of Democratic Underground have compiled
the definitive list of conservative idiots for the year. The
ten conservative idiots listed below are not necessarily the
ones who chalked up the most appearances on our weekly list
(although most of them were very high scorers in this regard).
Rather, they were chosen because we felt that they set the
standard for conservative idiocy for the year 2001. For each
individual, we are rerunning one entry from our list that
represents their contribution to the art and science of conservative
idiocy. So, without further ado, we are pleased to announce
the Top Ten Idiots of the Year for 2001. (Here's the the key
to the icons.)
W. Bush (44 appearances on the list)
August 20, 2001 (Idiots 32)
Just a few weeks ago George W. Bush insisted on adding a new
item to the West Wing mess menu - peanut butter and jelly
sandwiches (with three different kinds of jelly, naturally).
But now the New York Daily News reports
that Dubya will "not stop until he makes the mess look like
the inside of a Sizzler steakhouse." Yes, peace in the Middle
East may be a toughie, but when it comes to his lunch Dubya
knows exactly where he stands. Last week he called for a salad
bar to be installed in the mess, complete with a "see-through
plastic sneezeguard." Perhaps he just wants to prove
that, despite all appearances to the contrary, his policies
are indeed more effective than wet lettuce. Or is there an
ulterior motive for installing a salad bar? The New York
Post revealed last week that Dubya never leaves home without
a copy of his favorite book of all time, The Very Hungry
Caterpillar (go here
and search for "hungry caterpillar" for the story).
Laura Bush claimed two years ago that the book was Dubya's
favorite "from childhood," despite the fact that
it was written in 1969, one year after he graduated from Yale.
Anyway, according to the Post, Bush's handlers always
have a copy of the book on hand, and he has been "spotted
turning its pages" on trips to New Orleans, Phoenix, San Diego
and elsewhere. So could it be that the secret motive behind
Dubya's salad bar scheme is... to attract a very hungry caterpillar
all of his own? Mr. Bush appeared in Idiots 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 10 (twice), 11, 12, 14, 16, 17, 18, 20, 23 (four
times), 24, 26, 27, 28, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 39,
42, 43 (three times), 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, and 50 (twice).
Cheney (15 appearances)
October 15, 2001 (Idiots 40)
If it's brown-nose time for the pundits, it's brown-trouser
time for the vice president. Last week, Dick Cheney was finally
coerced out of the "secure location" where he has reportedly
spent the last month cowering. And we thought Bush was the
girly-boy in this administration. But no - it turns out that
Dick Cheney's the real yellow-belly, hiding behind his mommy's
skirts as hero George smokes the evil-doers out of their caves.
We've heard nary a peep from lily-livered Dick since September
11, except when he coughed at Tim Russert a lot, and stood
behind GW at a photo-op once. He looked a bit pale then if
you think about it. Probably worrying about whether his adult
diaper could take the strain I expect. So much for Dick Cheney
being the brains behind Operation Enduring Freedom. Guess
he's too busy sitting in a bunker somewhere sucking his thumb.
Mr. Cheney appeared in Idiots 2, 3, 5, 6, 14, 15, 17, 20,
24, 27, 28, 32, 40, and 45 (twice).
November 5, 2001 (Idiots 43)
I'd like something cleared up. Following the September 11
attacks, the FBI arrested and detained many suspects of Middle
Eastern origin, and in some cases
the suspects were denied lawyers and held for weeks before
they were interrogated and cleared of suspicion. But Planned
Parenthood recently received 250 letters in a two week period
which contained white powder and the following
message: "You have been exposed to anthrax. We are going to
kill all of you. Army of God, Virginia DARE Chapter." The
white powder in these letters is not anthrax (well, at least
it hasn't been so far) but can someone explain to me why the
FBI hasn't taken action against the Army of God yet? Last
week they "indicated" that they would conduct an investigation
- although obviously they're just too darn busy raiding medical
marijuana clubs at the moment. Funny really - I seem to remember
that during his confirmation hearing, John Ashcroft promised
that he most certainly would not shirk his responsibilities
when it came to protecting the legal rights (and indeed lives)
of abortion clinic workers. Oh well, I suppose it's just another
small drop in this administration's bucket of broken promises.
But I still want to know - why did Ashcroft arrest anyone
with a funny name and a swarthy complexion after September
11, but gave the Army of God's terrorist activities a free
pass? Perhaps... God told him to do it. Mr. Ashcroft appeared
in Idiots 1, 2, 3, 4, 8, 12, 26, 29, 43, 44, 45, and 47.
June 4, 2001 (Idiots 21)
The Mississippi Hair Helmet was in full-on crybaby mode last
week, blaming everybody but himself for Jim Jefford's courageous
decision to dump the GOP. Trent called Jeffords' switch a
"coup of one" that "trumped the will of the American people."
I guess Trent got a slightly different vibe from the
last election than I did. As far as I can tell, the American
people were split pretty much evenly between the two parties
for House and Senate, and the majority of votes for president
went to the Democratic candidate - not exactly an overwhelming
mandate for the extreme conservative agenda that Lott, et.
al have been trying to foist upon the American people. And,
Trent, baby, if you really want to throw around the word "coup,"
I might point out that Jim Jeffords never kicked thousands
of eligible minority voters off of the voter rolls, never
encouraged overseas voters to send in their ballots after
election day, never engaged in a systematic effort to keep
legally-cast votes from being counted. Oh, and one more thing:
You lost! Trent Loserman! HA HA! GET OVER IT! Mr. Lott
appeared in Idiots 4, 15, 20, 21, 22, 24, 27, 28, 29, 47,
June 11, 2001 (Idiots 22)
Despite tough odds, The Hatchet has managed to maintain his
grasp on the number one spot. Last week he reached the top
for his rather lame attempts to threaten the ex-Clinton staffers
who wanted an after he lied about vandalism in the White House.
"They are well advised to leave it alone,"
said Ari, explaining that, despite the Bush administration
wanting to move on, change the tone, blah blah blah, etc.
etc., he would soon be forced to reveal hard-core evidence
of some major White House trashing. Finally, The Hatchet decided
that enough was enough, and stunned reporters and pundits
everywhere by releasing two shocking photographs of... a messy
office. Oh, and a list of damage which he'd kept in his head
but had unfortunately forgotten to turn over to the GAO because
he accidentally didn't write it down or in fact collect any
evidence to prove it had even happened in the first place.
We await with bated breath the next thrilling chapter of "The
Ari Fleischer Story." Next week: "No, seriously.
They really are well advised to leave it alone," hinted
Ari darkly, his bald head glistening slightly under the lights
as he dangled a slightly frayed telephone cord before the
panting reporters..." Mr. Fleischer appeared in
Idiots 3, 12, 21, 22, 24, 27, 38, 39, 42, and 45.
August 13, 2001 (Idiots 31)
Y'all are probably sick to death of Katherine Harris getting
on the list (this is her fourth consecutive week) but like
a remote-controlled boomerang attached to a bungee cord, she
just keeps coming back. This week's truckload of lies comes
courtesy of a report on the deleted files recovered from computers
which Harris's staff had used prior to election day. Here's
the poop - Harris maintained that at no time were any
partisan activities conducted in the Secretary of State's
office - a claim which has now been proven to be complete
horsefeathers. The recovered files showed that - surprise
- political work on behalf of George W. Bush was indeed conducted
in Harris's office throughout the year 2000. Even more damning,
investigators found a statement which called recounted Palm
Beach County votes "unlawful" - BEFORE SHE EVEN
RECEIVED THEM. Nutso Harris popped on the GOP blinders and
released a statement
last week saying that the investigations "prove that
despite the innuendo and misinformation reported in the media,
no partisan political activity transpired in my office during
the recount period." HUH??? The phony quotables didn't
stop there though. According to the St. Petersburg Times
a spokesman for Harris said, "Her policy is no apologies,
no excuses, no regrets." Yeah, no kidding. More spectacular
lies from Harris: "I will not engage in these partisan politics.
I never have," (Tallahassee Democrat). Or how about:
"I am the least partisan person I know," (Pensacola
News Journal). Hey Katherine, you can quote me on this
- your lying ass needs to resign, pronto. Ms. Harris appeared
in Idiots 1, 2, 4, 14, 25, 28, 29, 30, 31, 33, and 45.
October 1, 2001 (Idiots 38)
It's good old Rush and his reliable sources. El Lumpo went
on the rampage last week after ABC news anchor Peter Jennings
accused President Bush live on air, September 11, for not
returning to Washington immediately. Outraged, Rush pounced
on his microphone like it was a double Whopper with cheese.
"Little Peter couldn't understand why George Bush didn't address
the nation sooner than he did," said the Tonnage On Loan From
God, "and even made snide comments like, 'Well, some presidents
are just better at it than others,' and 'Maybe it's wise that
certain presidents just not try to address the people of the
country.'" Rush went on to explain that Jennings was foolish,
whining, babyish, and an example of liberals' unrealistic
selfishness. It's a shame that Limbaugh went off on this tirade
when the only evidence he had was an e-mail from a friend,
because - surprise - it turned out to be completely false,
and he had to make a full on-air retraction after ABC protested.
Said Rush, "we will correct this and be upfront about it,
so as to avoid any uncertain angst and unnecessary angst on
the part of our colleagues at ABC." A bit late really, considering
that Jennings had already received 10,000 angry e-mails and
phone calls. My advice: Instead of hiring people to carry
him to the bathroom, Rush should employ some researchers.
Mr. Limbaugh appeared in Idiots 2, 3, 5, 7, 16, 20, 32,
38, 42, and 46.
Falwell (3) and Pat Robertson (5)
September 24, 2001 (Idiots 37)
Jerry Falwell: Ever the good shepherd, Jerry Falwell
just could not resist the opportunity to use the September
11 tragedy for his own twisted ends. People were still reeling
from the shock of it all when Falwell appeared on Pat Robertson's
TV show The 700 Club and went off on a tirade
against all things liberal. According to Falwell, the disaster
occurred because God was displeased with feminists, gays,
lesbians, abortionists, pagans, the U.S. courts, the ACLU
and the People for the American Way. "I point the finger in
their face and say, you helped this happen," he announced.
For Falwell to even think of making such comments in the first
place is sickening; to make them on behalf of a religion which
is supposed to promote forgiveness, tolerance and compassion
is despicable. But hey, this is America. The guy has the right
to say whatever he likes, even if he is using the deaths
of thousands of people to promote his own hateful, bigoted
agenda. I wonder how Falwell feels about Mark Bingham - a
gay man - one of the passengers who courageously helped to
bring down the fourth plane before it could hit its target
in Washington D.C.? On second thoughts, I don't want to know.
Pat Robertson: Yeah you too, Pat Robertson. Don't think
you're getting away it. Mr. "Oh, I agree." Mr. Falwell
appeared in Idiots 9, 14, and 37. Mr. Robertson appeared in
Idiots 7, 15, 25, 37, and 42.
December 10, 2001 (Idiots 47)
Bill O'Reilly likes to tell his viewers that his television
program is a "no-spin zone." It seems that he could
also be calling it a "frequent-lapses-into-outright-lying
zone." Last week, CNN's Bill Press exposed
this egotistical blowhard for the lying fraud that he is.
Press writes that after he appeared on "The O'Reilly
Factor," O'Reilly was trumpeting what a fair guy he was
because he let Bill Press, a liberal, on his show, but "you
wouldn't see me on CNN." It seems that O'Lie-ly would
have us believe that liberal CNN is afraid to have
him as a guest. If only it were true. Says Press: "Last
Spring, during a debate on the Don Imus show, my co-host Tucker
Carlson invited O'Reilly to be a guest on CNN's 'The Spin
Room.' He agreed. Then he ducked multiple requests and never
showed." Caution: You are about to enter a no-spine
zone. Mr. O'Reilly appeared in Idiots 8, 10, 23, 28,
31, 47, 49
12, 2001 (Idiots 44)
We had to wait a year for the votes to get counted, but
the results are finally in. Last night the official results
of the Florida recount by the media consortium were released,
and it looks like the winner is… (drumroll please) … Al Gore!
It doesn't matter whether you count dimpled chads, hanging
chads, or cleanly-punched chads - if you count every legally-cast
vote in the state, Gore is the winner. But if you read any
of the coverage of the story in the liberal media, you'd have
to look pretty closely to get the facts. The headline
on the Washington Post's website was: "Study Shows Recounts
Would Have Elected Bush." The lead sentence
in New York Times: "George W. Bush would have won even if
the Supreme Court had allowed the statewide manual recount
that the Florida court had ordered to go forward." And CNN:
"Florida recount study: Bush still wins." All along, we thought
that the point of the study was to determine who really won.
In reality, they were just looking for another opportunity
to kick Al Gore. Surprisingly, only Drudge got the story right:
"Big Media Florida Database: Gore Topped Bush if all Under/Over
Votes Counted; Legal Strategy Destroyed Chances." The Media
appeared in Idiots 7, 8, 19, and 44.
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