|
The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 50)
January
14, 2002
Enronor and Integrity Edition
It's the 50th Top Ten Conservative Idiots, and there's just
one word on everyone's lips this week: Pretzel. Um... I mean,
Enron. It finally seems to be catching on, folks. That's why
the first three spots this week are reserved for the top players
in this developing scandal, George W. Bush (1), Arthur Andersen
(2), and Ken Lay (3). Apparently none of them know anything
about the whole thing, they've never heard of one another,
and they can't even remember what they had for dinner last
night. How surprising. But there's more to life than the Bush
administration and Enron fondling one another's buttocks -
which is why we turn to the world of entertainment to find
CNN (4), Dr. Laura (6), and Ann Coulter (8) on the list this
week. And if you're a fan of schadenfraude (aren't we all),
don't miss our special 11th idiot. Enjoy! (And don't forget
the key.)
 Enron's
Lying-Ass White House Lackey (George W. Bush) 
Enron? What Enron? George W. Bush was in full-on, ass-covering,
I-don't-know-what-the-hell-you're-talking-about denial mode
last week as the proverbial poo hit the fan over Enron's shady
business dealings. Up until recently, Bush has made no secret
of the fact that he and Enron chief Ken Lay have been best
buds (even going so far as to nickname him "Kenny Boy.")
But last week, as the scandal began reaching the highest levels
of his administration, Bush decided it was time to put a little
distance between himself and that guy. And he did the
the old fashioned way: He lied.
You see, they're not really friends. No way, Jose, Ken
Lay. In fact, Bush said, Kenny Boy "was a supporter
of Ann Richards in my run in 1994." Oh, really? Then
why, exactly did Lay and his wife give three times as much
money to Bush than they gave to Richards? Hmm. Maybe he wasn't
really lying. I guess what Bush meant to say is: "Ken
was a supporter of Ann Richards in my run in 1994. But he
supported me even more." It's telling the truth, Republican-style.
 Enron's
Shady Auditor (Arthur Andersen, LLP)
As the arrogant, greedy, and almost-certainly corrupt actions
of the Enron gang drew worldwide attention, one piece of the
puzzle has gone missing
- and, it seems, will remain so for the rest of eternity.
Last week, Arthur Andersen (Enron's auditor) told investigators
that employees disposed of or deleted "a significant
but undetermined number" of documents about Enron. How
very convenient! I doubt this would have anything to do with
the fact that the auditing firm has a serious conflict of
interest here, with its hands in a number of far-flung Enron
ventures. According to a source at Arthur Andersen, the audit
turned up "possible illegal acts." Of course, destroying
documents has a long and distinguished history within the
ranks of the conservative idiots. I can think of a certain
lieutenant-colonel who was nearly elected to the United States
Senate thanks to his awesome law-breaking and paper-shredding
talents. Who knows? Maybe there's a conservative rising star
over at Arthur Andersen. Stay tuned!
 Enron's
Two-Faced, Lying Chief Exec (Ken Lay)
Last August, while Enron's executives were scrambling to squeeze
as much money as possible out of the company before it went
belly-up, Chief Exec Ken Lay sent a two-faced, lying email
to the company's employees, many of whom had their entire
life savings invested in Enron stock. According to the email,
the future of Enron had "never been more certain.'' Said
Lay: "Our performance has never been stronger; our business
model has never been more robust. ... We have the finest organization
in American business today." Of course, only two months
later the company admitted hundreds of millions of dollars
in losses for the third quarter, and went on a death-spiral
toward bankruptcy. An Enron spokesperson says that the email
was truthful, because the problems didn't arise for two months.
Yeah, right. If you would believe that guy, the company
was doing just fine, right up until it incurred all of its
losses in the week before declaring bankruptcy. Either that,
or Ken Lay and everyone at Enron was smoking crack last August.
Or else he's just another greedy, lying, corporate bastard.
 CNN
A comedy blunder of epic proportions gets CNN on the list
this week. After stealing Paula Zahn away from Fox News, one
would assume that CNN would go to great lengths to play up
the journalistic skills and professionalism of their new employee.
After all, Paula Zahn is a respected newswoman with years
of experience. Which is why CNN were forced to yank a promo
for Zahn's morning show which went as follows:
"Where can you find a morning news anchor who's provocative,
super-smart, oh yeah, and just a little sexy?" This delightful
advertisement for quality journalism was accompanied by what
appeared to many to be the sound of a zipper being unzipped
(although CNN claimed it was the sound of a needle scratching
across a record.) The promo ran about ten times over the weekend
before embarrassed execs had it pulled. What next? Are we
going to see more of these? "Wolf Blitzer: intelligent, well-informed,
and ladies, he's got a beard you can really hang on to." Or
maybe, "Robert Novak: he's brusque, he's bold, he'll take
you roughly from behind." Or perhaps they'll just go with
the simple but effective, "Daryn Kagan: PHWOOAR!!"
 Jeb
Bush 
Phew! Jeb Bush was in a bit of a pickle there for a while,
considering that his fiscally irresponsible tax cuts (which
brother George was so keen to try out on a federal level)
were about to force him to cut public school funding. But
in the nick of time his bro stepped in and signed the education
reform bill. Now Jeb will be able to rest easy knowing that
there's a fat truckload of cash heading down to Florida, which
will enable
him to dig himself out of his huge financial hole. Thank goodness
for the federal government! But hang on a second... surely
the Republicans are always moaning about big gubmint and how
the states should be able to take care of themselves? Yet
now they're signing into law a bill which hands over big piles
of taxpayer dough to states who can't manage their finances
properly. Hmm... you don't think the GOP might be quietly
admitting that they were wrong, do ya? Nah, of course
not. Why, that would be ridiculous. No, this law just demonstrates
how much compassion conservatives have for the people.
Can you feel the love? Helping Jeb fix his fiscal disaster
just in time for this year's elections is surely just a coincidence.
 Dr.
Laura 
Overheard on right-wing hate radio everywhere last week: Dr.
Laura has apparently decided that the REAL enemy of the United
States of America isn't the Taliban, nor Al Qaeda, nor some
other random terrorist organization - no, according to the
good doctor, the most virulent anti-American organization
that exists today is in fact... the ACLU. Why? Because they've
apparently been asking foreign (ie. Arab) nations about examples
of racial profiling so that the ACLU can represent suspected
terrorists in legal actions. And as we all know, we don't
actually need to have trials for suspected terrorists, because
they're all obviously guilty. No, the real problem here is
that the ACLU pledges
to "conserve America's original civic values - the Constitution
and the Bill of Rights - and defend the rights of every man,
woman and child in this country," and fight for every American
to be, "treated with equality and fairness, no matter who
you are." Isn't it strange how most conservatives (who are
all, of course, staunch defenders of the Constitution,
God bless America!) seem to have a REAL problem with that?
 The
Washington Times 
Spotted this week in the Washington Post, a nice
analysis
of the Washington Times as a simple PR/propaganda rag
for the GOP. It would seem that the Times cover article
in the year-end edition of their magazine Insight, carried
a most intriguing title: "The Making of the Clinton Recession."
That's funny, we could have sworn that the current "president"
was actually George W. Bush. And that the recession officially
began on his watch, despite his ludicrous attempts to stimulate
the economy by giving lots and lots of money to people who
don't need it. But no, according to the Washington Times
this is the "Clinton recession." NEWS FLASH! BILL CLINTON
ISN'T THE PRESIDENT ANY MORE! HELLO? Oh, what's the use...
 Ann
Coulter
More
from the quality journalism front: step forward Ann Coulter.
We usually try to avoid Ann as much as possible, since her
conservative rants are so deliberately over-the-top it's clear
she's just doing it for the attention. But you know, every
so often we like to remind our readers of the rotten crap
she feels the need to spew forth in the national press. Why,
here she is on Yahoo! News, commentating on the Secret Service
agent who was thrown off an American Airlines flight recently
for being... um, an Arab. But Ann seems to have gotten a bee
in her bonnet about the fact that the agent was extremely
annoyed about being singled out and has threatened to sue.
"This man should not be allowed near the president with a
loaded gun. At the least, he's an immature nut. At worst,
he's a ticking time bomb, in a simmering rage at America's
supposed mistreatment of Muslims." Ooo-kay. And yet Ann then
goes on to say, "There is no principled basis for opposition
to using Arab appearance as a factor in airport screening
procedures." So the basic gist is this: we should be kicking
people off planes because of the way they look. But if you
happen to be kicked off a plane because of the way you look,
you'd better not whine about your "supposed" mistreatment.
Ah, Ann. You can read the rest of her delightful nonsense
here.
 Alaska
State Appeals Court
Here's
an interesting interpretation of the whole "responsible
gun ownership" argument. When Timothy Wagner entered
the Alaska Mining and Diving store in Anchorage back on October
7, 1998, he was asked why he was dripping wet. Well of course,
there had to be a rational explanation, and there was: he
was trying to wash chemicals from his body before they killed
him. Oh, and somebody had implanted a computer chip in his
head. You know, that old story. Anyway, employees
called the police, who proceeded to show up and run a check
on Mr. Wagner. The check revealed that Wagner had a permit
to carry a concealed handgun. And lo and behold, he just happened
to have a loaded .357 and plenty of ammo stashed in his briefcase.
Wagner was convicted of not informing the police officers
immediately that he was carrying a concealed weapon (a requirement
under Alaska's concealed carry law) and in September of 1999,
a judge ruled that Wagner's permit be revoked until his mental
illness was "either cured or improved." Sounds eminently sensible.
Ah, but thankfully for RKBA-ers everywhere, a state appeals
court overturned the decision. Why? Because under Alaska law
"mental illness alone cannot be considered in deciding
fitness to carry a concealed weapon." Absolutely brilliant.
 Trent
Lott
Trent
Lott has come up with a novel way to demonstrate just how
much the GOP cares about the military: he's decided
that it would be a good idea for the government to buy an
unfinished cruise ship and convert it into a Navy war vessel.
Think about it though, it could be an excellent morale booster
for the crew. After a hard day swabbing the decks, lucky midshipmen
could relax with a nice game of shuffleboard, or a dip in
the pool located conveniently behind the Cruise missile batteries.
Don't forget to stop by the torpedo bulkhead sing-along bar
for an evening of karaoke and musical entertainment! Or for
sailors who like to take risks off- as well as on-duty, there's
always the McDonnell-Douglas Casino, just down corridor 15-C,
next to turbine room 6.
 STOP
PRESS! EMERGENCY 11th IDIOT!
And
finally: this just in from the AP
wire: "WASHINGTON
(AP) - President Bush fainted briefly in the White House residence
Sunday after choking on a pretzel while watching a National
Football League playoff game on television, White House physician
Dr. Richard Tubb said ... 'I do not find any reason that this
would happen again,' ... 'He fainted due to a temporary decrease
in heart rate brought on by swallowing a pretzel.' ... Tubb
said Bush suffered an abrasion on his left cheek the size
of a half dollar and a bruise on his lower lip, apparently
from falling onto the floor from a couch. ... Tubb said Bush
believes he was out only for a few seconds because when he
awoke, his two dogs were sitting in the same position they
were when he lost consciousness. ... 'He said it (the pretzel)
didn't seem to go down right.'" DU ANALYSIS: Forget about
chewing gum and walking at the same time, this guy can't even
sit on a sofa and eat a pretzel simultaneously! See you next
week!
Nominate
a Conservative for Next Week's List
|
