The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 341

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 341

June 16, 2008
Elephant And Fox Edition

This week The Republican Party (1) flexes its testicles, much to the delight of Fox News (2,3,7). Elsewhere, John McCain (6,7,10) is apparently still running for president. As usual, don't forget the key!



The Republican Party

The guys at the RNC are real men. Proper tough guys. They stuck it to the earth-toned tree-hugger Al Gore in 2000, and they did the same to that French whoopsie John Kerry in 2004. Yes, these testosterone-fueled cowboy-hat-wearing GOP dudes should have no trouble proving their manliness against effete liberal elitist Barack Obama in this year's presidential election, as you can see from this news story...

Conservatives view the presumptive Democratic nominee's wife as a target of opportunity.

Wait, what?

Republican strategists say the wife of the Democratic presidential nominee is fair game.

(snip)

The issue of Michelle Obama as a potential liability made simultaneous headlines on both coasts, with articles in both The New York Times and the Los Angeles Times.

The newspapers pointed to relentless online rumor mills, criticism on conservative blogs and articles in conservative magazines, like the National Review, critical of Michelle Obama.

I see... so the macho Republican up-by-the-bootstraps only-we-can-save-you-from-the-terrorists machine has decided that the only way they have a shot at the presidency this year is to beat up on Barack Obama's wife.

Yes folks, they really are this desperate.



Fox News

Fortunately the RNC won't have to spend a lot of money trashing Michelle Obama this year, because they have an entire cable news network to do it for them.

Last week Fox anchor E.D. Hill reported on the cute fist bump that Michelle and Barack performed just before his victory speech in St. Paul, Minn.

HILL: A fist bump? A pound? A terrorist fist jab? The gesture everyone seems to interpret differently.

Yeah, I guess that could be a terrorist fist jab. After all, they both have brown skin.

E.D. Hill later made a statement on her bizarre comments, saying "I apologize because unfortunately, some thought I personally had characterized it inappropriately. I regret that."

See? She regrets that you thought she'd characterized it inappropriately. Now that's what I call an apology.



Fox News

It wasn't long before Fox News struck again, this time in an on-screen description during a segment featuring Michelle Malkin:


I guess it makes sense that the network which has never seen a fist bump would also not know that a "baby mama" is, according to Urban Dictionary:

"the mother of a man's child when the parents are not married"

"The mother of one's child. The connotation is that mother and father do not and never did have any relationship beyond being sex partners. Contrast: ex-wife, ex-girlfriend."

"The mother of your child(ren), whom you did not marry and with whom you are not currently involved."

"A term used to define an unmarried young woman (but can be a woman of any age) who has had a child. As mentioned before in another definition, most of the time it is used for when it was simply a sexual relationship, compared to ex-wife or girlfriend. Usually this has a negative connotation, a lot of baby mamas are seen as desperate, gold digging, emotionally starved, shady women who had a baby out of spite or to keep a man. Sometimes they may act like this because of missed child support payments, unfulfilled promises by the father, or convenient sex by the father."

The Daily Kos author who posted that information also noted (correctly) that, "This is about one step away from calling her a 'ho.'"

But don't let that stop you, Fox News. After all, Michelle Obama is right at the top of the GOP's hit list this year, and you wouldn't want to compromise your outrageous partisanship by introducing ethics and integrity to your newscasts.



Sean Hannity

If that wasn't enough, one of Fox News's most popular anchors revealed last week that he is in fact a surrogate for the McCain campaign. According to Think Progress:

In a revealing slip of the tongue last night on his Fox News television show, Sean Hannity acknowledged that he's a "surrogate" for John McCain.

While interviewing former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, Hannity complained to him that the McCain campaign has been reluctant to engage in a smear campaign against Barack Obama. Giuliani explained that the McCain campaign is going to let "a lot of the attacking" be done by surrogates. "People like me," Hannity said:

GIULIANI: I think that you're going to find that in both cases Senator Obama and Senator McCain - a lot of the attacking is going to be done by surrogates. And they're going to - well, I mean.

HANNITY: People like me.

GIULIANI: Right. All of the attacking.

COLMES: You're a McCain surrogate?

"No, no" Hannity said, quickly backtracking when his co-host Alan Colmes immediately called him out.

Think Progress also notes that an outcry sparked the recent firing of Fox News production assistant when she told John McCain "I voted for you in the primary, you're going to win."

Gee, I wonder if the same standard will apply to Hannity.



Lindsay Graham

And speaking of surrogates, it looks like someone forgot to pass the latest talking points along to John McCain's best bud Sen. Lindsay Graham. (Sorry, Joe Lieberman, it'll never be you.) During an appearance on ABC's This Week, the following exchange took place:

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Let me bring Senator Graham back in on this because you brought up two. You said the tax policy and the health care policy were essentially, Senator Graham, John McCain is calling for an extension or maybe enhancement of the Bush policies.

GRAHAM: Yeah, absolutely.

Pssst, Lindsay! You're off message!


With surrogates like these, who needs enemies?

Mind you, it's not like McCain isn't guilty of this himself. As Glenn Greenwald pointed out last week, here's McCain on June 3, 2008:

You will hear from my opponent's campaign in every speech, every interview, every press release that I'm running for President Bush's third term. You will hear every policy of the President described as the Bush-McCain policy. Why does Senator Obama believe it's so important to repeat that idea over and over again? Because he knows it's very difficult to get Americans to believe something they know is false. So he tries to drum it into your minds by constantly repeating it rather than debate honestly the very different directions he and I would take the country.

And here he is on June 15, 2005:

...the fact is that I have agreed with President Bush far more than I have disagreed. And on the transcendent issues, the most important issues of our day, I've been totally in agreement and support of President Bush. So have we had some disagreements on some issues, the bulk -- particularly domestic issues? Yes. But I will argue my conservative record voting with anyone's, and I will also submit that my support for President Bush has been active and very impassioned on issues that are important to the American people.

Poor guy doesn't know whether he's coming or going.



John McCain

Want more? Here's Johnny on May 15, 2008:

Senator John McCain declared on Thursday that most American troops will be home from Iraq by 2013 and that Iraq will be a functioning democracy with only "spasmodic'' episodes of violence, a striking departure from his refusal so far to set a date for U.S. withdrawal.

And here he is last week, less than one month after the previous remarks:

Republican presidential nominee John McCain this morning categorised the time frame for US troops withdrawal from Iraq as "not too important" and suggested he is prepared for a long-term commitment there.

I mean, does McCain even have advisers, or is he just pulling this stuff out of his ass?



John McCain and Fox News

Fox News's third apology of the week came after John McCain participated in a special Fox News-sponsored "town hall" meeting in New York City. According to the Huffington Post, the event was "billed by the McCain campaign as a town hall with independent and Democratic voters."

Surprise! It wasn't. Plastic-faced anchor Shepard Smith had to make this correction immediately after the hour-long broadcast ended:

SMITH: I reported at the top of this hour that the campaign had told us at Fox News that the audience would be made up of Republicans, Democrats, and independents. We have now received a clarification from the campaign and I feel I should pass it along to you. The McCain campaign distributed tickets to supporters, Mayor Bloomberg, who of course is a registered Republican, and other independent groups.

Well done, Fox News. You just got duped by a guy who doesn't know what day of the week it is.



Ann Coulter

So I guess the cat is out of the bag once and for all - last week it was revealed that Ann Coulter is not a Kool-Aid drinking hack blinded by her entirely-too-close view of George W. Bush's backside, she is in fact America's greatest living satirist. Just take a look at these excerpts from her latest column:

"The man responsible for keeping Americans safe from another terrorist attack on American soil for nearly seven years now will go down in history as one of America's greatest presidents."

"It is unquestionable that Bush has made this country safe by keeping Islamic lunatics pinned down fighting our troops in Iraq."

"The Iraq war has been a stunning success."

"With Iraqi deaths at an all-time low, Iraq is safer than Detroit."

Great stuff. But it all pales in comparison to the final, hilarious paragraph:

The sheer repetition of lies about Bush is wearing people down. There is not a liberal in this country worthy of kissing Bush's rear end, but the weakest members of the herd run from Bush. Compared to the lickspittles denying and attacking him, Bush is a moral giant -- if that's not damning with faint praise. John McCain should be so lucky as to be running for Bush's third term. Then he might have a chance.

Bravo, Ann, bravo! I haven't laughed this hard in months.



Bill O'Reilly

Last year Bill O'Reilly went to lunch with Al Sharpton at Sylvia's Restaurant in Harlem. O'Reilly was astonished.

On his September 19 radio show, O'Reilly said he took civil rights leader Al Sharpton to the Lenox Avenue fixture and "couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's Restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City."

"I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship," he told listeners. "It was the same, and that's really what this society's all about now here in the U.S.A. There's no difference."

And later, speaking with National Public Radio correspondent and Fox analyst Juan Williams, O'Reilly said there "wasn't any kind of craziness at all" during his dinner with Sharpton: "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M.F.-er, I want more iced tea.'"

"It was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense that people were sitting there and they were ordering and just having fun," he continued.

Remarkable, isn't it.

After O'Reilly was rightfully blasted for his ridiculous comments, he defended himself like so:

O'Reilly said he was trying to reassure whites -- such as his grandmother, whom he said had an "irrational fear" of blacks -- that rap-star stereotypes of African-Americans "are not true."

Well that's nice. Unfortunately O'Reilly's gallant quest to end stereotyping came to a grinding halt last week. According to Media Matters:

During the June 10 edition of Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor, purporting to document "more evidence of values problem among American young people," host Bill O'Reilly reported that seven ninth-graders at Pascack Valley High School in New Jersey have been suspended for distributing topless photographs of their classmates.

(snip)

O'Reilly then stated: "But it's an amazing amount of kids involved with this -- 20 -- in an affluent school district. This isn't, you know, the inner city; you would think that these kids would have some kind of a values system."

John McCain

And finally, let's catch up with the rest of last week's John McCain news.

MONDAY

McCain launches his first ad of the presidential season. The Guardian reports that, "Despite promises to stay on the higher ground, Mr McCain's commercial uses imagery to suggest that Mr Obama is a friend of America's enemies. It shows an apparently badly shaven Mr Obama looking across at the bearded face of the Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad."


(This is after McCain called for "a respectful campaign focused on the issues and values that are important to the American people" back in March.)

Later that same day, Jack Cafferty reports on McCain's surprising announcement that the American economy is booming. "I have a fundamental belief that, I have a great belief that the fundamentals of our economy are very strong, very strong," says McCain. And, wait - don't tell me, we're winning the war in Iraq, right?

Also on Monday, John McCain tells NBC's Brian Williams, "Sen. Obama says that I'm running for a Bush's third terms. It seems to me he's running for Jimmy Carter's second." Unfortunately Williams misses the obvious response, which is, "What the hell are you talking about, old man?"

TUESDAY

McCain reveals that when he is president, he will "veto every single beer."

WEDNESDAY

An old video of McCain surfaces, wherein the senator competes with George W. "Rumors On The Internets" Bush and Ted "Series Of Tubes" Stevens for the Information Age's most out-of-touch politician. In the video, Mike Allen of Politico asks various GOP presidential contenders whether they use Mac or PC. Here are the answers:

Mike Huckabee: "PC."

Ron Paul: "I use a PC."

Mitt Romney: "I got a PC. But my sons swear by their Macs so I'll probably convert." (Way to straddle the fence, Mitt.)

John McCain: "Neither. I am, I am a, er, illiterate that has to rely on my wife for all of the assistance that I can get."

Meanwhile, it is revealed that back in 2004, John McCain had referred to Dick Cheney as "one of the most capable, experienced, intelligent and steady vice presidents this country has ever had."

"Asked whether he'd be interested in Cheney had the vice president not already have served under Bush for two terms, McCain said: "I don't know if I would want him as vice president. He and I have the same strengths. But to serve in other capacities? Hell, yeah."

Also on Wednesday, pranksters take over the comments section on John McCain's official web store. Although the comments are subsequently deleted, enterprising DUer Contrary1 manages to take a bunch of hilarious screengrabs which you can see here.

THURSDAY

Hey, remember when Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had that unprecedented, divisive primary battle which gave John McCain months and months of free time to rally the GOP behind him? On Thursday, a new Hotline/Diageo poll reveals that....

...68% of Democratic primary voters were satisfied with Obama as the nominee, with 30% preferring someone else.

By contrast, only 52% of Republican primary voters were satisfied with John McCain as their nominee, with 45% preferring someone else.

Hats off to Ron Paul and Bob Barr. I shall refer to you from now on as...


FRIDAY

The Hill reports that John McCain - the man who believes that "the fundamentals of our economy are very strong, very strong" - has a bit of a spending problem.

Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) and his wife reported more than $100,000 of credit card liabilities, according to financial disclosure documents released Friday.

The presidential candidate and his wife Cindy reported piling up debt on a charge card between $10,000 and $15,000. His wife's solo charge card has between $100,000 and $250,000 in debt to American Express.

McCain's wife also has a second American Express charge card listed on the senator's financial disclosure that was carrying $100,000 to $250,000 in debt.

Another charge card with American Express, this one for a "dependent child," is carrying debt in the range of $15,000 and $50,000.

Wow - if he's this irresponsible with his personal finances, just imagine what he could do to the U.S. Treasury!

See you next week...

-- EarlG

[pinto]

1. Kicking for the bizarreness of it all.

These guys want to lead our country?

Yeah, right.

[glowing]

2. Seriously, what was up with the beer comment and the hot water

for babies.. The man is just rambling and he thinks, as usual, no one's paying attention because the audience is asleep?

[nxylas]

13. I think the beer one was a simple slip of the tongue

I can see how "bill with earmarks" could become "beer" (with illmarks?). What was the "hot water for babies" one?

[ccharles000]

3. lovely.

[Initech]

4. John McCain should select Ted "Series Of Tubes" Stevens as his running mate.

John McCain: "Neither. I am, I am a, er, illiterate that has to rely on my wife for all of the assistance that I can get."

Ted Stevens: "The Internet is a series of tubes!!!!"

[tavalon]

5. Busy week

I am surprised that you didn't mention John McSame's stellar response to the flooding of Iowa, etc. Oh, wait, he didn't have one, did he?

[nachoproblem]

6. The comments on McCain's web merchandise

are some of the greatest things that I have ever seen.

I know that a bunch of the people who left comments are from Wonkette, because I lurk over there and I saw them gleefully reporting what they had posted. It seems like they were turned on to it after somebody had discovered the first few mock comments... I don't know what original pranksters were responsible for starting it, but I tip my hat to their genius.

:rofl:

[40ozDonkey]

15. I saw the link of another site at 1 o'clock in the morning.

I saw it on Fark, and I think in their comments they mentioned TPM. McCain's merch comments section was shut down a few hours later.
Regardless, it was too good to pass up, and so I put my two cents in from Hootenanny, Florida. :evilgrin:

[Night_Nurse]

7. Re: the credit cards

I remember reading somewhere recently that one of McCain's credit cards has a 25% interest rate - showing he's too stupid to even get a low rate on his plastic!

[Hissyspit]

8. He's just pulling the stuff out of his ass.

[SalmonChantedEvening]

9. Good old Ann

"There is not a liberal in this country worthy of kissing Bush's rear end."

You and Sean have been hogging it for eight years Ann, why even bother trying to get a lip in edgewise?

A grand collection EarlG, thank you :)

:yourock: :toast: :applause:

[VeggieTart]

16. "There's not a liberal in this country worthy of kissing..."

And nor would we want to. I mean, ewwwwww.

[happygoluckytoyou]

10. McCain.... who would better know What Jesus Would Do...than an old classmate

[ekwhite]

11. Mac or PC?

I don't need any of them fancy calculating machines! Now YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!!!

[The Wizard]

12. Any politicians who

align themselves with Dick Cheney are drinking from the political Drano fountain.

[Lautremont]

14. There's a very good explanation for that "vetoing every single beer" thing.

It's a desperate attempt by McCain to distance himself from Busch.

[agentS]

17. FOX Noise is Racist- volume 500

Once again, FOX proves that bigotry easily floats to the surface when pressed.

I'm surprised that the network isn't universally banned from any respectable press event.