The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 318

top10 ADMIN

(155 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore

Mon Dec-17-07 12:16 AM
Original message

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 318

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 318

December 17, 2007
Do They Know It's War On Christmas Time At All? Edition

It's the last Top 10 of 2007, and what a week it's been. The Bush Administration (1) can't remember when they didn't know about the CIA destroying torture tapes, but it's okay because the Justice Department is on the case. Meanwhile skeletons are leaping out of Mike Huckabee's (2) closet, Dana Perino (8) could use a history lesson, and we take one last look at the Republican Presidential Candidates (10) in another Top 10 Debate Recap. Enjoy, and don't forget the War On Christmas! (Er, I mean, the key.)

The Bush Administration

There was outrage last week as we learned that in 2005 the CIA destroyed tapes of the torture of two suspected terrorists, despite the fact that "federal courts had prohibited the Bush administration from discarding evidence of detainee torture and abuse months before," according to the Associated Press.

So what did the president know and when did he know it? According to ABC News:

DUBYA: My first recollection of whether the tapes existed or whether they were destroyed was when Michael Hayden briefed me. There is a preliminary inquiry going on, and I think, I think you will find a lot more data. Facts will be coming out in an orderly fashion, and that is good. It will be interesting to know what the true facts are.

Now why does that ring a bell? Ah yes - here's what Bush said about the Valerie Plame case back in 2005 (see Idiots 219):

"I don't know all the facts. I want to know all the facts. I would like this to end as quickly as possible. If someone committed a crime, they will no longer work in my administration."

And we all know how that turned out. In fact, it seems that much like the Valerie Plame case, facts won't be coming out in an orderly fashion. According to the International Herald Tribune:

The Justice Department asked the House Intelligence Committee on Friday to postpone its investigation into the destruction of videotapes by the Central Intelligence Agency in 2005, saying the congressional inquiry presented "significant risks" to its own preliminary investigation into the matter.

(snip)

The Justice Department and the CIA's inspector general have begun a preliminary inquiry into the destruction of the tapes, and Attorney General Michael Mukasey said the department would not comply with congressional requests for information now because of "our interest in avoiding any perception that our law enforcement decisions are subject to political influence."

Yes, gee, wouldn't want to give anyone the "perception that our law enforcement decisions are subject to political influence" now would we?

Mike Huckabee

Now that the media is turning its spotlight on Mike Huckabee, the Republican front-runner is discovering that your past quickly catches up with you when you're running for president. For example, it looks like the ethically-challenged GOP might end up stuck with a nominee who's not exactly squeaky-clean. According to the Guardian:

A review of state records by the Guardian indicates that during his more than 10 years as governor, Huckabee received thousands of dollars in presents almost every year: gift certificates to sporting goods stores, clothing boutiques and Wal-Mart, a $3,695 pair of cowboy boots, a $500 belt and more.

In addition, some former Huckabee staff and appointees acknowledged to the Guardian that Huckabee's chief of staff and a cabinet official solicited contributions from staff and appointees for Christmas gifts for the governor.

Huckabee's chief source of largesse was Jennings Osborne, a Little Rock businessman who made his money in the medical testing business. In 1996, Huckabee's first year as governor, Osborne bought furniture for the governor's office and a fountain pen for the governor's use, and regularly sent flower arrangements. In subsequent years Osborne bought Huckabee gift certificates to department stores and clothing boutiques, 200 copies of a book Huckabee wrote, ties, flowers and air travel.

That's nice. And we're supposed to believe that Osborne didn't expect anything in return?

A former top Huckabee staffer said the governor saw nothing wrong with Osborne's gifts. "It was because of his background as a preacher," said the staffer, who asked to remain anonymous. "They typically get gifts. In his own mind he was righteous, so the appearance didn't matter." Huckabee is an ordained Southern Baptist minister.

Right. Hey, did you know that as well as being an ordained minister (he once said "I got into politics because I knew government didn't have the real answers, that the real answers lie in accepting Jesus Christ into our lives") Mike Huckabee also has a theology degree?

HUCKSTER: I'm as strong on terror as anybody. In fact I think I'm stronger than most people because I truly understand the nature of the war that we are in with Islamofascism. These are people that want to kill us. It's a theocratic war. And I don't know if anybody fully understands that. I'm the only guy on that stage with a theology degree. I think I understand it really well.

That's right folks - we're in a theocratic war and I guess that means we need a theocratic president to deal with it. Good job Huckabee has that theology degree.

HUCKSTER: I have a bachelor of arts in religion and a minor in communications in my undergraduate work. And then I have 46 hours on a master's degree at Southwestern Theology Seminary. So, my degree as a theological degree is at the college level and then 46 hours toward a masters.

Okay, so he doesn't actually have a theology degree then.

You know, I think I'm just going to have to start referring to Mike Huckabee as...

Climate Change Deniers

I've had a nagging feeling this fall that something is missing, and writing about Mike Huckabee has just reminded me - the War on Christmas! What the hell happened to that?

Well unfortunately the War on Christmas is still raging. According to Think Progress, at last week's Republican presidential debate, front-runner Mike Huckabee said that "'scientifically,' he doesn't know whether global warming is 'overblown.'" Meanwhile the walking combination of loose skin and Aqua Velva known as Fred Thompson went a step further, "claiming that the 'state of entitlements' and 'extremists' who 'want to do drastic things to our economy' are the real problems."

Really? According to the San Francisco Chronicle last week:

There was more bad climate news from the High Arctic on Wednesday as scientists reported fresh evidence that the ice all across the oceans surrounding the North Pole and the vast Greenland ice sheet is melting faster than ever.

Year after year in recent decades, the impact of global warming on Arctic regions has been growing more severe, but this year the situation appears worse as the ice is melting at a record pace, according to researchers who monitor climate change in the far north.

Hmm. And who lives at the North Pole? That's right - jolly old Saint Nick. So I've got a question for all you Christmas-loving conservatives out there: how are all the girls and boys going to get their toys if Santa's workshop is underwater? Because I have a feeling that pretty soon him and the elves are going to have more important things to do, like manning the bilge pumps.

But that's okay, I guess you can figure out a way to tell your kids that it doesn't matter whether they've been naughty or nice - they're not getting any gifts this year because Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer fell off an ice floe and drowned.

Christmas Warriors

Christmas is a time of giving and forgiving, a time to put aside differences and share in the spirit of the season. Remember the classic true tale of soldiers in World War I who came out of the trenches on Christmas Day and shared food and drink with their enemies? That's the spirit of Christmas in action.

Unfortunately some people don't seem to have quite gotten the message. Last week shoppers at a Target store in Sacramento, CA, were greeted by a group of joyful singers belting out carols. At least, they seemed pretty joyful until you saw them close up:

Ah, it brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it? Peace on earth and goodwill to all men (gays not included).

Alexander York

Americans who are still unsure of the best way to defend Christmas from the terrifying threat of secularism should take a tip from Alexander York, an English backpacker who made the Australian newspapers last year when things got a bit heated during a discussion of evolution at a bar in New South Wales.

York struck up conversation with two fellow backpackers, Rudi Boa and his girlfriend Gillian Brown. Plenty of alcohol was imbibed by all, and things seemed to be going fine until the topic of evolution came up. Boa and Brown, being biomedical scientists, took the side of evolution. York, according to The Australian, took "a more biblical view of history."

So who prevailed? Well, that would be York, who convincingly won the argument by stabbing Rudi Boa to death. He was convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to five years in prison last week.

Steve King

But it seems that we have some shocking news - the War On Christmas is over! It was single-handedly won last week by Rep. Steve King (R-Obviously) who introduced legislation to recognize the "importance of Christmas and the Christian faith" which the House dutifully passed 372-9. According to Think Progress:

A spokesman for King told ThinkProgress that the congressman simply "thought it was important to honor Christmas" by introducing the bill. Yet today on Fox News, King went further, decrying an "assault on Christmas" from "secularists" who want to "eradicate Christ from Christmas." Ignoring the Constitution, King claimed America is really a "Christian nation":

I recognized that we're a Christian nation founded on Christian principles, and we're coming up to Christmastime. ... It's time we stood up and said so, and said to the rest of America, Be who you are and be confident. And let's worship Christ and let's celebrate Christmas for the right reasons.

King added, "Now everyone get down to Wal-Mart and buy as much Chinese crap as you can! Hurry! The economy is going under!"

Dean Allen

Immigration is tearing the Republicans apart right now. The GOP's base is forcing them into a hard right turn on this hot-button issue, and some Republicans will face primary challenges next year from the party's hardcore xenophobes. Take Buddy Witherspoon, for example - he's a Republican National Committeeman who has announced his intention to run against Sen. Lindsay Graham (R) in the South Carolina primary next June. Witherspoon is supported by upstanding Americans like Dean Allen, who talked to a New Yorker reporter last week about his motivation at a recent Witherspoon speech.

Dean Allen, a plump and friendly fellow sporting an American-flag tie, told me that he runs something called Spirit of Liberty; he's also helping Witherspoon's campaign. "Some of these people may be coming in here to get jobs washing dishes, but some of them are coming in here to hijack airplanes," he explained. "If you're down there trying to look at the people coming across the border, maybe a lot of them are just motivated by economics, and they want a job washing dishes or cutting grass. But I can't tell Jose Cuervo from the Al Qaeda operatives by looking at them, because they cut their beard off. It's like trying to get fly manure out of pepper without your glasses on, you know? I mean, not a racist thing, but they're all brown with black hair and they don't speak English and I don't speak Arabic or Spanish, so if they don't belong here and they don't come here legally, I want to know who's here."

Nice. I hope Allen didn't see what Witherspoon did after the speech...

After speaking for forty-five minutes, Witherspoon walked across the street with me to Tako Sushi and we sat outside, where heat lamps warmed us.

Dana Perino

Dana Perino may be dumb, but she's certainly not shy. I'll let the Washington Post explain:

Appearing on National Public Radio's light-hearted quiz show "Wait, Wait ... Don't Tell Me," which aired over the weekend, Perino got into the spirit of things and told a story about herself that she had previously shared only in private: During a White House briefing, a reporter referred to the Cuban Missile Crisis -- and she didn't know what it was.

"I was panicked a bit because I really don't know about ... the Cuban Missile Crisis," said Perino, who at 35 was born about a decade after the 1962 U.S.-Soviet nuclear showdown. "It had to do with Cuba and missiles, I'm pretty sure."

Yes, well done Dana, it had to do with Cuba and missiles. Pardon me, but shouldn't the White House Press Secretary have a slightly better grasp of recent U.S. history? Still, I guess the Cuban Missile Crisis wasn't really that important in the grand scheme of things, I mean, the world was only on the verge of all-out nuclear war.

So she consulted her best source. "I came home and I asked my husband," she recalled. "I said, 'Wasn't that like the Bay of Pigs thing?'"

Bay of Pigs? Hey Dana, I've got your Bay of Pigs right here...

Michael Savage

Remember when Americans used to be proud when their fellow citizens won international recognition? Well Michael Savage had some words of praise for Al Gore's Nobel Peace Prize win last week:

You know, the Gore-leone crime family is now the number one crime family in the world, when you think about it. He's about to pull off the biggest scam in the history of the world. It's bigger than any bank heist, bigger than any drug deal. It's bigger than any counterfeiting scheme, and he's doing it all nice and natural with a little help from the socialist perverts in Norway, who gave him a Nobel Prize.

Why do I call them socialist perverts? Answer: because they are. By and large, 90 percent of the people on the Nobel Committee are into child pornography and molestation, according to the latest scientific studies.

I'll be right back.

According to the latest scientific studies, eh? So which scientific studies would those be? Unfortunately Savage doesn't say, so I guess we'll just have to assume that he's conducted his own exhaustive research into Norwegian child pornography.

Republican Presidential Candidates

And finally, the Republican presidential candidates met in Iowa last week to take one last opportunity before the Caucus to to argue about which one of them will make the most extreme radical conservative nutjob president. Good stuff. So just in case you missed it, here is:

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots GOP/Des Moines Register Debate Recap

Have a great holiday, see you next year!

The Top 10 will return on Monday January 7, 2008.

-- EarlG