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jmowreader

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Member since: 2002
Number of posts: 30,158

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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Seahawks

From the Onion:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/keys-to-the-matchup-packers-vs-seahawks,37791/

Green Bay:
• Given Marshawn Lynch's ability to break tackles, don't be afraid to put a seventh or even eighth man on him.
• Keep pressure on Russell Wilson by whispering to him that this is his contract year.

Seattle:
• Be prepared for Aaron Rodgers to quickly move outside the pocket and toward the direction of medical treatment.
• Consider benching Richard Sherman, who didn't once touch the football when the Seahawks met the Packers in the regular season.

Fine Penn State $1395 and erase almost all the rest of the penalties

I'm not going to rehash all the recent Penn State developments. Hit GD and you'll find them.

In the spirit of the thing, I have a suggestion.

Penn State built a monument to ol' See No Evil, Hear No Evil over there. It's a larger-than-life bronze statue of Joe Paterno that you can find pictures of online. This thing weighs 900 pounds.

Scrap bronze sells for $1.55 per pound. Multiply by 900 pounds and you get $1395.

I would be willing to erase every penalty, except the multimillion-dollar fine that still stands, if Penn State would cut up the Joe Paterno statue, melt it down, sell the metal as scrap, divide the proceeds among all the schools that played Penn State in football when Joe was alive for use in fighting child abuse, remove the rest of the monument with a bulldozer, never allow another monument to Joe Paterno to be erected anywhere, and never use the land the monument was on for anything ever again - including an outhouse.

That, my friends, is the only punishment that will mean anything to them.

The existence of this book diminishes us all

Some of Arpaio's former guests have compiled a book on surviving in his Olive Drab Gulag. It is available here:

http://abouttentcity.com/how-to-survive-tent-city/

Tax cuts were never intended to increase tax revenues, so stop saying that

The GOP's primary goal is to end social spending. The only way they'll ever accomplish that goal is to reduce revenues to the point where there's no money left for it, and the most time-proven way to reduce revenues is just to stop collecting so many taxes.

It's obvious we need the Keystone XL pipeline

The gas station across the street from my house hasn't cut their prices in two whole days.

Congress adjourns after two days: "There's no way we can work with that man"

WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- In what may set a record for brevity, Congress adjourned a mere two days into the new session.

According to House Majority Whip Steve Scalise, the adjournment is a result of President Obama's refusal to compromise. "We passed three Obamacare-repeal bills, approved the Keystone XL pipeline, banned abortion, eliminated taxes on the rich, abolished welfare, banned Islam, repealed Obamacare again, made homelessness a federal offense, and quadrupled the defense budget. Not only did that uppity (man) veto them all two seconds after they got to the White House, he put them in a garbage can, poured five gallons of gasoline on them and threw in a lit molotov cocktail. Since there's no way we can work with that man, we closed down Congress. Fuck it. We're going home to campaign. We'll just see if America can get along without us."

Within minutes of Scalise's announcement, the tragic results were plain for all to see. The stock market instantly began a meteoric climb, with the Dow closing at 19050.20. The price of gas dropped a dime. Newspaper classified ad lines were jammed, with companies waiting as long as three hours to place "help wanted" ads. According to the head of the White House switchboard, people have been calling in to complain all day: "The public wants to know why Congress shut down on a day when it was too cold to dance in the streets. They want to know why Congress couldn't have been more considerate."

For his part, the president is unruffled. "He considers Congress to be in recess, so he's entitled to appoint judges and other officials to serve through 2016," said a White House official who refused to be identified, but he's a skinny 50-year-old black guy with a head of gray hair. "Taxes will not be adjusted, and spending will remain at current levels. We should be okay."

I've been thinking about Mario Cuomo lately, since he passed...

Fort Drum is a U.S. Army installation in upstate New York, and the home of the 10th Mountain Division (Light Infantry), the Army's worst clusterfuck. It's the only army base that is not on federal land - the whole installation actually belongs to the State of New York, and the federal government pays them rent. (It's also the only army base that has a creek running through division headquarters, but that is a story for another time.)

Since Fort Drum was on land that belonged to the state of New York, Governor Mario Cuomo assumed the division also belonged to the state of New York. And since we were his division, once a quarter he flew from Albany to Fort Drum to speak to all the newly assigned sergeants and officers.

As I remember, he didn't really say much of anything...he told us about his state, gave us a little information about all the National Guard and Reserve units that commandeered the Back 40 every summer - as the only large Army post in the Northeast, we served hundreds of small units that needed our base's facilities for weapons qualification and all the other things you can't do in an armory next to a supermarket - explained a little about the political system in New York, and welcomed us to Fort Drum.

I can't think of another governor that did anything like that, and it was a nice thing.

How does BITCOIN have a bowl game?

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/2311471-st-petersburg-bowl-2014-game-grades-analysis-for-nc-state-vs-ucf

NC State University beat the University of Central Florida 34-27 in the Bitcoin St. Petersburg Bowl.

IIRC Bitcoin is one of those egalitarian things with no single owner...so where did they find the (presumably non-Bitcoin) money to fund a football game?

Aircraft emergency slide question

We've all seen movies where the plane lands at an airport, is safe to stay on until airstairs arrive or even to drive to a gate, but the crew deploys emergency slides anyway. ("Snakes on a Plane" and "Airport 1975" come to mind quickly.)

And then we have incidents like the one on Tuesday, where an American Airlines plane and a Southwest Air plane collided on the tarmac at LaGuardia. The Southwest plane lost a winglet. They unloaded the Southwest plane via airstairs and the American plane at its assigned gate.

So...what are the actual rules on emergency slide use?

Why the Grinch Stole Christmas

Every Who
Down in Who-ville
Liked Christmas a lot…

But the Grinch,
Who lived just north of Who-ville
did NOT!

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why. You know damn well what’s the reason.
It’s not that his head isn’t screwed on just right.
Nor that his shoes are too big or too tight.
And though the Whos claim it’s the biggest reason of all,
It’s not that his heart’s even a little bit small.

No, he was workin’ retail.

He worked for long hours. He worked for low pay.
He worked to take crap from the Whos every day.
“They want it all free!” he shouted out loud.
“They won’t let you out of a thousand-Who crowd!”
“And just to be sure my life’s made pure hell,
they bring back things we don’t even sell!”

“But the thing I hate worst,” said the Grinch with a groan,
“is Christmas itself; it’s way overblown.”
“They cut down a tree and hang torches all over it.
“Them worry about fire? Not even a bit!”
“When the damn thing goes up in a roar and a blaze,
“That’s when they serve Who-road-kill in a light Who-fruit glaze.”

“When the road-kill is gone they do something worse!
“They join in a circle and sing dirty verse!”
“They sing about sex. They sing about drugs.
“They sing rotten songs ‘bout Saint Nick and his thugs!”
“The day I hate worst, is two days from now...
“I have to stop Christmas — and I think I know how!”

“It’s all about Who-beer!” he said with a grin.
“And Who-wine, and Who-Scotch and Who-Bombay-gin!
“The night before Christmas they meet at a pub.
“They blaze up Who-joints and fill up a tub.
“With Who-Purple-Jesus, and all the Whos say,
“that’s the only Jesus they’ll need on that day.”

“And when they go home, I haven’t a fear,
“They’re so high they can’t see! They’re so drunk they can’t hear!
“They’ll sleep on the floor. They won’t lock the door.
“They won’t know what happened a minute before.
“So I won’t need costumes or stunts or a ruse,
“I’ll just walk in and take all their Christmas refuse.”

And that’s just what he did. He strolled into their houses.
He stole the gizmos and gadgets and even the Who-mouses.
He took red balls and green lights and little silver bells,
And fancy Who-dresses and lip-sticks and hair gels.
He took all the presents, then just for a thrill
He even made off with the Who-road-kill!

He piled all that shit in the middle of Who-square,
in hopes that the Whos soon would be there.
“They’ll think it’s a lark but it won’t be a joke.
“when their whole joyous day goes up in black smoke.
“With a can of Who-gas, and a Who-willie-pete,
“the Whos’ rotten day will soon be complete.”

Just then, the Grinch’s Russian cousin said “Nyet!
“Dear Grinchski, I’ve got the best idea yet!
“Your Who-gas and grenades might make a big pyre,
“But nothing can beat Artillery fire!
“I have lots of rounds. I’ve got a big gun.
“I’ll shell it all flat. We’ll have lots of fun!”

The Grinch hid in a church, stood next to the light,
Turning it on would put rounds into flight.
For he knew nothing would make him feel more alive,
Than the boom and the whistle from that old two-S-five.

The morn came. The sun rose. The Whos soon appear.
Bloodshot and bleary-eyed and reeking of beer.
Then they looked on, amazed. “Why’s our shit in the square?
“We don’t remember putting it there.”

Twas then that the Grinch flipped the magical switch.
Sergei Ivanov yelled, “Son of a bitch!”
He grabbed up the lanyard, yanked with all of his might,
And the first of five hundred rounds boomed into flight.

The first round hit a plant that made bluing.
“Sergei Ivanov, what the hell are you doing?
“Up fifty, left forty and fire for effect,
“Unless your brain is addled with a latent defect.”

The rounds hit the square. The presents went splatter.
Causing the Whos to scurry and scatter.
The Grinch marveled. “Oh, what a wonderful sight! Seeing Christmas burn!
“My glorious plan’s past the point of no return!”

Just one thing to do. The Grinch lifted a pane,
So he could hear the soulful refrain
of three hundred Whos with their Christmas hearts broken,
standing there crying and sobbing and chokin’.

But that’s not what he heard. Nothing like it at all.
Why, it sounded like the Whos were having a ball!
They were singing. And dancing. Their hearts were a-prancing.
They brought out Who-beer and joints of Who-weed,
They made up a feast of roasted Who-sneed.
They gathered up the frag and put it in a bag,
then turned it into a giant Who-hag!

The Grinch started yelling “What the hell is this?”
And was showered with flowers and Who-joints and a sloppy Who-kiss.
“I blew up your things to make you feel bad,
“But this is the greatest day any of you’ve ever had.
“You should be sad, but you’re hipping and hopping...”
The Whos said, “Are you out of your mind? We get to go SHOPPING!”

Well, they pulled the Grinch out of that nice Who-ville store,
And sent him to one in Ulan-Baator.
So while you’re having a nice Christmas day,
Give a thought to the clerks who helped make it that way.
They toil in long hours down in Retailer Hell,
for money that won’t buy the stuff that they sell.
So dream of sugar plums and reindeer in flight,
and Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
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