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Member since: 2002
Number of posts: 28,338

Journal Archives

Walgreen's is now dead to me

Today I went out to do laundry and to get a roll of film developed. There's a Walgreen's near the laundromat and I've had quite a bit of film developed at Walgreen's, so I went there...

Now they ship the film out to be developed, and the envelope has a terrible notation on it: "Your negatives will not be returned." They scan it on a mini-lab scanner, burn the files to a CD then throw away your negatives...unfortunately, the negatives themselves are what I wanted.

I shall not darken their door again.

It's official: Jack Chick has gone out of his fucking mind

Can anyone figure this shit out?


Bob McDonnell's first night in prison

He's lying in his bunk, and all of a sudden, out of the darkness...

"Forty-two!" Followed by huge gales of laughter.
"Twenty-six!" More laughter.

So he asked his cellmate what was going on.

"They're telling jokes. We've all heard these jokes so many times we've memorized them, so we gave them each a number. Now someone yells out a number and we just play back the joke in our heads. Don't worry, we've got them written down and we'll give you a copy tomorrow."

Ol' Governor Ultrasound thinks this is a great idea, so he decides to get into it, and yells...

"Two hundred and eight!" Dead silence.
"Two hundred and eight!" even louder. Crickets.

"Two hundred and eight must be a really bad one, huh?" Governor Ultrasound said.
"No, it's the best one...but some guys just can't tell a joke."

A Frenchman, a Scot and a teabagger walk into a bar

The bartender asks the Frenchman what he'll have.

"A RW."
'What's that?'
"A red wine."

Then the Scot...
"A WW."
'White wine?'
"No sir. Whisky and water."

And finally the teabagger, who sits and thinks for a bit...
"I'll have a fifteen."
'And what the hell is THAT?'
"A seven-and-seven."

How to deal with Republicans

A frog was sitting on a riverbank one fine evening, when a scorpion approached him.

"Mr. Frog, I need to get to the other side of the river but I can't swim. If you carry me across on your back, I'll help you find some bugs to eat."

'I've read that book too. We'll get halfway across and you'll sting me to death.'

"If I did that, we'd both die."

'Okay then.'

The scorpion got on the frog's back and the frog got in the river. The frog swam out five feet and did a quick barrel roll, dumping the scorpion into the path of a huge pike...that slurped down the scorpion like it was a cocktail shrimp.

The real final chapter of Atlas Shrugged

"It's been long enough," said John Galt. "The society we abandoned should have turned into an utter disaster. Now we can remake it in the proper Objectivist spirit."

The titans of industry emerged. What they saw shocked them into total disbelief.

"It's clean!" said Dagny.

"And orderly!" said Francisco.

"Everything looks like it's made of Reardan Metal," said Hank, "but I can't imagine how they did it!"

"They're riding in cars that smell like they're burning gasoline, but how?" said Ellis.

Orren stepped forth. "The people who you employed at poverty wages remembered they knew how to make the things you invented after you left. They rebuilt the factories. They capped the well you tried blowing up. They gathered up your industrial waste and made things out of it. And they invented all new things. And now that you're not skimming the till, they can pay themselves enough to live on and still return a profit. Society is ten times better now than it was when you were running things."

"Is that all they did?" John sneered.

"Nope," Orren said. "They also built a guillotine in case you guys ever came back, and there are a few people who are ready to meet you..."

How to immediately stop GOP war talk in its tracks

File a bill in Congress that immediately does five things:

1. Repeals every tax cut since August 1981, effective the day the first shot is fired.
2. Doubles taxes on all corporations with more than $5 million in gross revenue, and all individuals with more than $250,000 gross income. This War Tax Rate is effective until 366 days after all troops are redeployed, except in presidential election years and then it's 367 days.
3. Declares any company that earned more than half its revenue from government contracts to be a defense contractor, and requiring all defense contractors to pay their employees only in cash - no stock options during wartime - and no employee of a defense contractor may earn more than the base pay of the commanding general of the Army division stationed closest to the company's headquarters.
4. Requires that any American in the war zone - the country the war is in, all the countries surrounding it, a distance from shore equal to the smallest land nation surrounding the country where the war is in the case of coastal nations, or 1000 miles of ocean in the case of island nations, and the airfields or ports used to support the war - be enlisted in the Army, graduate from basic training and a relevant advanced individual training, and be subject to military law and regulations.

Moreover, repeal or amendment of any part of this ends the war.

We better prepare to run against Ben Carson in 2016

By then, he'll be the only big-name Republican who isn't named Bush and isn't in jail.

No joke: Michael Sam Signs With Cowboys


"Former Missouri Tigers’ and St. Louis Rams’ player Michael Sam was forced to wait after being released from the Rams’ final roster on Saturday. Sam, who’s attempting to be the first openly gay NFL player, was signed to the Dallas Cowboys’ practice squad on Tuesday afternoon.

"The Cowboys are lacking at the defensive end position after placing DE DeMarcus Lawrence on Reserve/Injured-returnable list on Tuesday. Lawrence will be eligible to return after week six, but for now, Sam is expected to compete as a practice participant for an opening on the defensive line."

Your congressman sucks. My congressman is the greatest guy on earth.

Well, my congressman is Raul Labrador, who is more worthless and weak than one of Neidermaier's cadets. But read this whole thing before replying.

Everyone knows Congress has an approval rating somewhere between Idi Amin and head lice. And logically all of them should be replaced at the next election with...I dunno, the first 435 names in the phone book. I predict that come January, pretty much the same Congress we have, at least among the ones who didn't retire, will be sworn in. And I further predict the seats of retiring congressmen will stay with the party that has them now. There will be a few seats flip, but probably neither house will.

The reason is simple: People like THEIR congressman. I don't like Louie Gohmert or Darrell Issa, but I can't vote for them. People who can vote for Issa seem to be okay with his antics.

The only possible "wave" will be if the voters flush out the tea party congressmen en masse. Those guys were supposed to fix everything...instead, all they did was propose budget-killing tax cuts and try to repeal the same law 60 times. Otherwise, the composition of Congress will be similar to now.
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