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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 184)
January 31, 2005
Payola Pie Edition
 Welcome
once again to the Top Ten Conservative Idiots! What's on the menu
this week? The Bush Administration's (1) payola scandal may be growing
legs; in related news, Jeff Gannon (2) has been asking loaded questions.
Meanwhile, Racist Republicans (3) are spinning like tops, and Dick
Cheney (4) dresses to impress at Auschwitz. Elsewhere, the homophobes
were out in force - Margaret Spelling (5) jumped on the SpongeBob
bandwagon, the Family Research Council (6) has got a "homosexuality
detection expert," and UCO College Republicans (7) are speaking
out on behalf of oppressed heterosexuals. Enjoy, and don't forget
the key!
 The
Bush Administration 
Armstrong Williams, eat your heart out! It was revealed last week
that two more journalists have been caught with their sticky
fingers in the Bush administration's payola pie. According
to the Washington Post, "In 2002, syndicated columnist
Maggie Gallagher repeatedly defended President Bush's push for a
$300 million initiative encouraging marriage as a way of strengthening
families" - all part of the Bushies' anti-gay-marriage
propaganda, of course. But what Gallagher's readers didn't
know was that she had a $21,500 contract with the Department of
Health and Human Services to help promote the proposal. Tsk tsk.
Next up was Michael McManus, author of the nationally syndicated
"Ethics & Religion" column. Ethics, eh? How amusing.
According
to Salon, McManus "was hired as a subcontractor by the
Department of Health and Human Services to foster a Bush-approved
marriage initiative. McManus championed the plan in his columns
without disclosing to readers he was being paid to help it succeed."
For his part, Our Great Leader was out and about last week insisting
in that horribly bland way of his that, hey, this is really wrong,
and we'll put a stop to it, even though we've spent 128
percent more on public relations this year than Clinton did
in the last year of his administration, and these payola scandals
are starting to pop up like wack-a-moles, don't y'all worry your
heads about it. Because come on everybody, let's not forget that
neither Bush nor anyone in the White House knew anything about
any of this. Obviously. So how many more conservative "journalists"
are going to get caught sucking at the taxpayer's teat before all
this is over? Rush Limbaugh? Sean Hannity? Do you have anything
you want to tell us?
 Jeff
Gannon 
Apparently the Bush administration isn't just paying journalists
to spout White House propaganda - they're also planting journalists
in press conferences to ask helpful questions. At a press conference
last week, George W. Bush was happy to take a question from Jeff
Gannon of "Talon News." Gannon asked,
"Senate Democratic leaders have painted a very bleak picture
of the U.S. economy. Harry Reid was talking about soup lines. And
Hillary Clinton was talking about the economy being on the verge
of collapse. Yet in the same breath they say that Social Security
is rock solid and there's no crisis there. How are you going to
work - you've said you are going to reach out to these people -
how are you going to work with people who seem to have divorced
themselves from reality?" Gee.. that sounds... fair and balanced.
Rush Limbaugh was delighted to hear the question, saying
on his radio show, "I said earlier today in the program, shortly
after we began, that somebody in the White House press corps listens
to this program. It is Jeff Gannon from Talon News." No doubt
Jeff Gannon does listen to Rush Limbaugh, since Gannon is
a poster
at Free Republic. As for "Talon News," well, it consists
of approximately two people - Gannon and Bobby Eberle, who is also
the CEO of GOPUSA, a "conservative news, information, and design
company dedicated to promoting conservative ideals." Nice to
know they have such easy access to White House press conferences,
isn't it?
 Racist
Republicans 
Condoleezza Rice was confirmed by the Senate last week, but not
without some controversy. In fact, 13 Democrats voted against Rice's
nomination, making her the least-popular
Secretary of State nominee since Henry Clay in 1825. Of course,
Republicans were more than happy to play the race card. Suddenly
white conservatives - from Rush "Donovan McNabb is overrated
because he's black" Limbaugh to Condi's husb... I mean, President
Bush - were shocked, shocked I tell ya, that the Democrats would
even consider saying all those nasty things about a black
- gasp! - woman - gasp! Which just goes to show how sick those fools
on the right really are. They believe that Democrats should
bend over and vote quietly for someone who helped Our Great Leader
lie America into this dreadful and unnecessary Iraq quagmire - simply
because she's an African-American female. To not vote for Condi
simply must be the act of a bunch of racists. I mean, there
hasn't been a black secretary of state since - well, the last secretary
of state (who happened to be confirmed unanimously by the Senate).
Meanwhile, Republicans were gleefully tossing the race card around
to prop up their new plan for devastating - um, I mean, saving -
Social Security. Apparently Social Security is itself inherently
racist because black people die earlier than white people, and
therefore can't make the most of their Social Security benefits.
Of course, Bush's answer to this is to get rid of Social Security
rather than, say, investigate
why black people die earlier than white people (gee, and
it only seems like last
week that he was saying we should "abandon all the habits
of racism, because we cannot carry the message of freedom and the
baggage of bigotry at the same time.") Still I'm sure this new line
of attack is being strongly supported by all the black Republicans
in the House and Senate. At least, it would be if there were
any black Republicans in the House or Senate. Which there aren't.
 Dick
Cheney 
Since George W. Bush entered the White House in 2001, he has enforced
a strict dress code. Gone are the carefree Clinton days of blue
jeans and sweaters - once Bush came to power he made it abundantly
clear that if you're working in the halls of power, you need to
dress the part. Unfortunately what's good for White House staffers
apparently isn't good for vice presidents attending extremely somber
memorial services.
Photo: Associated
Press
Yes, Dick Cheney showed
up at the 60th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz looking
as if he's just taken his dog for a walk in the woods. In contrast
to the respectful garb of the other attendees, his wife included,
Dick sported a green parka with his name embroidered on it, a ski
hat which said "Staff 2001" (staff for what, the Winter
X-Games?) and a pair of brown hiking boots. Classy...
 Margaret
Spelling 
When is a cute educational TV show featuring a bunny who visits
different families all over the United States actually an insidious
plot to burn American morality to the ground? In the wake of the
SpongeBob debacle (see Idiots 183) education
secretary Margaret Spelling pressured
PBS to pull an episode of the popular show "Postcards
from Buster" last week, not because Buster was committing
the heinous crime of learning how maple syrup is harvested, but
because the people teaching Buster about maple syrup were a lesbian
couple and their children. Gasp. Spelling wrote, "Many parents
would not want their young children exposed to the lifestyles portrayed
in the episode." Um, what about lesbian parents? I'm pretty sure
they pay taxes too. Still, I guess Margaret Spelling knows best
- she can obviously tell what "many parents" think, and
therefore can dictate what everyone else can and can't see based
on that. Score one for... um... big government.
 The
Family Research Council
So last week we noted James Dobson's beef with SpongeBob SquarePants,
and this week Margaret Spelling has joined the crusade against cartoon
characters with loose morals. But Spelling and Dobson aren't the
only ones kicking up a stink - they've been joined by perennial
conservative idiots the Family Research Council. And a tidbit in
New Zealand's National Business Review last week revealed
just how far the FRC are willing to go to root out the gay agenda
wherever it may be hiding. According
to the Review, the FRC employs a "homosexuality
detection expert." That's right - a homosexuality detection expert.
And apparently this homosexuality detection expert told the New
York Times that words such as "tolerance" and "diversity" are
part of a "coded language that is regularly used by the homosexual
community." Wow. It appears that the FRC's homosexuality detection
expert is set to ultra-high sensitivity. Just out of interest, how
does one get a job as a homosexuality detection expert? I mean,
obviously you're going to need two years experience and a degree
from homosexuality detection college, but it's not the kind of thing
you see advertised every week in the jobs section.
 UCO
College Republicans
Here's one more from the "Dumbass Gestures of the Silent Majority"
files... the College Republicans of the University of Central Oklahoma
have announced
that they intend to hold "Straight Pride Week" on campus, which
should be reassuring to all those poor, oppressed straight folks
out there in Central Oklahoma who are feeling threatened by the
heartland's rising tide of gayness. "The general gist is that if
you are a straight student on campus be proud, be loud, this is
your time to shine," said college Republican Kyle Houts. Uh, right.
I think straight students probably do that every day of the week
at UCO, don't they? Or are they all hiding in their dorms, fearful
of getting the shit kicked out of them by roving bands of hard-partying
drunk-assed homosexuals?
 Jeffrey
Patti 
Move over Republican Marty! (See Idiots 15.)
Stand aside Phillip Giordano! (see Idiots passim.) There's
a new swinger in the cell block - Jeffrey Patti. Mr. Patti was one
of 39 people caught in a recent child porn sweep of Morristown,
NJ. And he's on the list because he's a member of the Sussex County
Republican Committee. Yup, respectable Republican by day, alleged
downloader of video of "a Georgia man raping a 5-year old
girl" by night, Mr. Patti is the very epitome of a family values
conservative. Of course, he's innocent until proven guilty in a
court of law... I'm just kidding! We don't do that any more in Bush's
America.
Kory Holdaway
Granite School District (Utah) Superintendent Stephen F. Ronnenkamp
said recently that extra police presence by the Granite School District
Police Department has cut vandalism and theft so much that it "has
almost paid for the police department." And, according
to the Deseret News, he said that "having police
work closely with schools has also thwarted several school shootings."
So why has State Rep. Kory Holdaway (R-Taylorsville), introduced
a bill to abolish the department? Holdaway claims that it is too
costly, and anyway, his bill only affects the Granite district,
so nobody should get too upset. It seems, however, that Rep. Holdaway
might have other reasons for wanting to abolish the department -
it was revealed
last week that his son was arrested in 2004 by Granite police after
a fight. Whoops! Despite claiming that he had no ulterior motive,
Holdaway immediately backed away from his bill, grumbling that,
"In retrospect, I should have had someone else run it."
Alternatively, he could have kept his petty revenge fantasies out
of the public arena.
 The
Unknown Patriot 
And finally we come to this splendid photograph which was spotted
at Bartcop.com
last week:
Note how the gentleman has literally wrapped himself in
the flag. Is there a better way to express your love for your country?
Can't you just picture the sweat from his asscrack patriotically
seeping into the fabric of Old Glory? Note the Stars and Stripes
codpiece, and the way that this poor fellow - who you can just tell
gets an erection whenever someone mentions the flag-burning amendment
- is violating pretty much all of Section
176 of the United States Code. These colors don't run, provided
that you wash them cold and tumble dry low. See you next week!
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