The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 183)

January 24, 2005
In-aargh-uration Edition

Yeah, yeah. George W. Bush (1,2,3,5) was officially sworn in as president again last week. Clearly we're in for another four quite disturbing years. Our Great Leader turned on the charm during his inaugural address and basically threatened the entire world with enforced "freedom" (provided you don't live under a tyrannical dictatorship which happens to be an ally of the United States, of course). But it wasn't all inauguration all the time last week - there were the exciting Condoleezza Rice (7) hearings, James Dobson (8) pontificated on the evils of SpongeBob, and Jerry Corsi (10) made an exciting announcement. Enjoy, and please note that this week, the key is back...

George W. Bush
The Oaf of Office re-took the Oath of Office last week as the world looked on in horror-stricken fascination. So it's another four years for Our Great Leader, and the future's so bright, I gotta wear... no, that's not quite right. It's morning in Ameri... nah, that's not working either. Wait, I've got it: WE'RE ALL FUCKED. It's been widely noted that Dubya's speech contained 27 instances of the word "freedom" and 15 instances of the word "liberty," while the words "terrorism," "war," and "Iraq" were completely overlooked. Funny, then, that Bush's freedom-filled speech took place at the most heavily-guarded inauguration in history. According to the Washington Post, "In downtown Washington, miles of security fences and concrete barriers lined the streets, creating a buttoned-down zone unlike any in the city's history, and much larger than authorities described earlier." Ah, the wonderful effects of freedom and liberty, brought to you by the Bush administration.

George W. Bush
Don't worry though, because even though we may not have freedom and liberty at home, we're going to make damn sure that furriners get it overseas. Yes, anyone who gets in the way of liberty - with the exception of Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Egypt, Russia, and China, who are our best friends - are going to find themselves burning in the "untamed fire of freedom" that Bush is about to unleash upon their evil-doing asses. Bush also noted that "as long as whole regions of the world simmer in resentment and tyranny - prone to ideologies that feed hatred and excuse murder - violence will gather, and multiply in destructive power, and cross the most defended borders, and raise a mortal threat," although it wasn't clear whether he was talking about Osama bin Laden or himself.

George W. Bush
Perhaps the most ironic line of the address, however, was this one: "Our country must abandon all the habits of racism, because we cannot carry the message of freedom and the baggage of bigotry at the same time." Ironic, obviously, because the inauguration was presided over by the Chairman of the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies - aka the Mississippi Hair-Helmet Trent Lott - who two years ago resigned in disgrace as Senate Majority Leader after praising Strom Thurmond's segregationist past (see Idiots 94).

Photo: Associated Press

Not that America wants to carry the message of freedom and the baggage of bigotry at the same time, you understand.

Laura Bush
I should probably mention this because nobody in the Elite Media is going to... It turns out that the First Lady got herself a $700 haircut before the inauguration. That's right folks, a $700 haircut. So... where's the outcry? Where's the block-long line of pundits ready to slam Mrs. Bush for this extravagant display? Where are the two-hour-long Fox News specials? Where are the Congressional investigations? What do you mean nobody cares? Oh that's right - I said Bush, not Clinton.

To be fair though, while Laura Bush's haircut cost $700, her dress didn't cost anything. That's because she made it herself. Out of curtains.

George W. Bush
After taking some heat from critics for not getting out of his limo during the 2001 inaugural parade, good old George showed he was a real man of the people this time. Surrounded by Secret Service agents, armored vehicles, thousands of police officers holding the crowds at bay, and watched over by surveillance helicopters and rooftop snipers, George demonstrated his common-man touch and walked for the crowd, clearly not without some trepidation. (For those of you who speculated over the bulge in Bush's jacket during the presidential debates last year, I can confirm that the bulge in his pants as he walked down Pennsylvania Avenue was a diaper.) Of course, Dubya wisely waited until he was well clear of the thousands of protesters lining the route. This amusing CNN video shows the crowd's true feelings about Our Great Leader. (By the way, I do hope the FCC comes down on CNN like a ton of bricks over this. Tsk tsk.)

"Guy Hovis"
Those of you who tuned in early to the inauguration festivities may have had the good fortune to catch "Guy Hovis" singing a splendid rendition of John Ashcroft's "Let the Eagle Soar." Here's a picture of the so-called Guy Hovis:

I mean, come on now. Are you telling me that's not John Ashcroft wearing a dubious rug?

Think about it: have you ever seen them in the same room together?

Condoleezza Rice
That's enough of the inauguration though - there's plenty more conservative idiocy to discuss this week. For example - all the excitement of Bush's coronation has overshadowed one of the more important events of last week; the Congressional hearings to determine whether Condoleezza Rice is fit for the job of Secretary of State. Rice got an earful of criticism from several Democrats, John Kerry included, but the most pointed comments came from Sen. Barbara Boxer who quoted Rice's own contradictory statements and suggested that, "Your loyalty to the mission you were given, to sell this war, overwhelmed your respect for the truth." Ouch! Rice - applying the new Bushian principle which holds that since he was re-elected, no administration official will ever be held accountable for anything ever again (see Idiots 182) - got snippy. "Senator, I have to say that I have never, ever lost respect for the truth in the service of anything... I really hope that you will refrain from impugning my integrity." Right - because it wasn't Condi Rice who said "We do know that [Saddam Hussein] is actively pursuing a nuclear weapon." Or, "The intelligence assessment was that he was reconstituting his nuclear program; that, left unchecked, he would have a nuclear weapon by the end of the year." Or in fact, any of the lies told during Condi's appearance before the 9/11 Committee from this giant list compiled by the Center for American Progress. So, please, Dr. Rice, don't take us Democrats to task for trying to impugn your integrity. Bear in mind that it's not easy to impugn someone's integrity when they don't have any integrity.

James Dobson
Did you know that children's favorite SpongeBob Squarepants is a threat to America? According to Focus on the Family founder James C. Dobson, the yellow sponge has been enlisted in a "pro-homosexual video," along with Jimmy Neutron and Barney the Dinosaur, which promotes - horror of horrors - a "tolerance pledge" for elementary schoolchildren. This, according to Dobson, includes tolerance for differences of "sexual identity." Unfortunately Mr. Dobson's homophobia appears to have gotten the better of him, because the video doesn't actually contain anything referring to sexual identity at all. Despite this, a spokesman stood by Dobson's claim, saying, "We see the video as an insidious means by which the organization is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids. It is a classic bait and switch." Ah, I see... although there's nothing about sexual identity in the video we can't even teach kids about tolerance in general, because they might inadvertently become too tolerant. And we certainly don't want them growing up toleratin' those evil-doin' queers. Does anyone know what temperature sponges burn at?

Norm Coleman
Are you dying to know how Sen. Norm Coleman got that gorgeous smile? Well just hop on over to the website of Dr. Milnar, DDS to check out the "before and after" photos. Warning: if the sight of fourteenth-century dental care turns your stomach, you might want to skip this one.

Jerry Corsi
And finally, look out John Kerry! There's a new Republican in town - literally - and he's gunning for ya! It was revealed last week that Jerry Corsi, leading light of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth and co-author of "Unfit for Command" is moving to Massachusetts to run for Kerry's senate seat in 2008. And if you'll pardon me for a moment... HA HA HA HA HA! If you thought the carpetbagging antics of Alan Keyes were entertaining, you're going to love Jerry Corsi. Watch him win the hearts of the citizens of Massachusetts by, um, complaining that John Kerry didn't really win his third purple heart! See him earn the love and respect of northeastern liberals by, er, whining that John Kerry was a rotten swift boat captain! Thank you, Mr. Corsi, for providing us with what will certainly be a four-year-long barrel of laughs. See you next week!

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