The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 171)

September 20, 2004
Don't Worry About It! Edition

It seems that Our Great Leader's favorite phrase, "strong, steady leadership," is actually code for "a a totally pigheaded unwillingness to look facts in the face." While Iraq continues to descend into violence, the economy falters, and Osama bin Laden remains on the loose, Bush's pledges to "stay the course" are somewhat confusing. And it says something about the state of the media that people are actually thinking that "staying the course" is a viable option. In fact, things are getting so bad in Iraq that George W. Bush (1) had to lie last week about reinstating the draft. Meanwhile, The Bush Administration (2,3,6) is reeling from recent reports on weapons of mass destruction and bin Laden. Elsewhere, Donald Rumsfeld (5) said last week that we can do what we want to the rest of the world as long as it doesn't involve beheading people on TV, and the RNC is telling people that Democrats will ban the Bible if John Kerry is elected. Don't forget the key...

George W. Bush
Last week Our Great Leader didn't exactly rule out a military draft if he gets another four years. What he actually said, at a campaign event, was, "no, we don't need a draft. What we need to do is - don't worry about it." Got that, everyone? Don't worry about it! Just like the rest of the nightmare Iraq has become - don't worry about it! Bush went on: "What we need to do is to make sure our troops are well-paid, and well-housed, and well-equipped." Alternatively, he could do what he's doing to the 3rd Brigade Combat Team from Fort Carson who said last week that they were told to re-enlist for three more years - or be transferred to Iraq. "They said if you refuse to re-enlist with the 3rd Brigade, we'll send you down to the 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment, which is going to Iraq for a year, and you can stay with them, or we'll send you to Korea, or to Fort Riley (in Kansas) where they're going to Iraq," said one of the soldiers. So much for the "volunteer military," eh? You know, perhaps Bush is right - who needs a draft when they can press soldiers back into service simply by threatening them? Don't worry about it! Oh, and pay no attention to this document, which definitely does not indicate that the Pentagon is planning a draft.

The Bush Administration
According to the Associated Press, "Drafts of a report from the top U.S. inspector in Iraq conclude there were no weapons stockpiles, but say there are signs the fallen Iraqi President Saddam Hussein had dormant programs he hoped to revive at a later time, according to people familiar with the findings." This was all part of a 1,500-page report released last week by the head of the Iraq Survey Group, Charles Duelfer. Yes, it's yet more proof that Iraq wasn't an imminent threat after all - whoops! However, while Iraq wasn't an imminent threat then, it's sure as hell an imminent threat now. From a recent National Intelligence Estimate stating that the best-case scenario at this point is an Iraq whose "political, economic and security stability would remain tenuous" (worst-case scenario: all-out civil war), to the apparently new tactic of blowing up journalists while they're reporting live on air, the situation in Iraq is far from rosy. Even Republicans like Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman Dick Lugar (R-Ind) are criticizing Bush's policy in Iraq: "Our committee heard blindly optimistic people from the administration prior to the war and people outside the administration what I call the 'dancing in the street crowd' that we just simply will be greeted with open arms," he said. "The nonsense of all of that is apparent. The lack of planning is apparent." But hey, Our Great Leader is in charge so... don't worry about it!

The Bush Administration
Meanwhile, as combat rages across Iraq and American soldiers die at a rate of three a day, the Bush Administration is falling down on the job when it comes to catching the guy who the "war on terror" is supposed to be all about. Osama bin Laden is still at large, and, barring a special Karl Rove October Surprise, is likely to remain that way - that is, according to experienced CIA counterterrorism officer Michael Scheuer. Last week Scheuer sent a letter to Congress claiming that "the headquarters unit assigned to bin Laden has fewer experienced case officers now than on Sept. 11, 2001." Don't worry about it! In related news, George W. Bush has nominated Porter Goss to be the new head of the CIA. According to CBS News, "Last October, explaining why he did not want to launch an investigation of a White House official's possibly illegal leaking of a CIA officer's name to the press, Goss made reference to the Clinton impeachment saga. 'Somebody sends me a blue dress and some DNA, I'll have an investigation,' Goss said." Yes, Porter Goss sure seems like a man you can trust to take national security seriously and who will definitely not use it as some kind of partisan weapon to hammer Democrats with. Don't worry about it!

Phil Parlock
You have to feel sorry for Phil Parlock. I mean, the guy was just trying to exercise his First Amendment rights at a John Kerry campaign event, and he was viciously attacked by Democratic thugs. They even made his daughter cry!

"They just pounced on us," said Phil Parlock, "She was crying; they were pushing and shoving her." My God - will those evil Democrats stop at nothing? John Kerry must hate children! Actually, it looks like it's Phil Parlock who hates children - see, this isn't the first time Mr. Parlock has made it into the papers after being "pounced on" at a Democratic rally. After he and his 12-year-old son Louis smuggled Bush signs into an Al Gore event back in 2000, Louis apparently hoisted a girl onto his shoulders. According to the Charleston Daily Mail, "'She walked up and said 'I'll get on your shoulders and hold a sign,' " Louis said. While she was sitting on Louis' shoulders waving a Bush-Cheney sign, a man who identified himself as a volunteer for the Gore campaign tried to pull the sign out of the girl's hands, Parlock said. He pulled so hard that Louis and the girl fell over. 'That sounds like an exaggeration,' said Sarah Feinberg, spokeswoman for Gore's West Virginia campaign." And - would you believe it - Parlock was a victim of nasty liberals at a Clinton campaign event back in 1996 as well! Again, according to the Charleston Daily Mail, "The Huntington man said he was knocked to the ground by a Clinton supporter when he tried to display a sign that read 'Remember Vince Foster' ... 'It must have been a strict Democrat who did this,' Parlock said." Yup, our Phil certainly has a habit of complaining to the media about Democratic "thuggery." Kinda makes you wonder why he took his young daughter to the event last week. But then, once you realize that Parlock appears to have a relationship with the photographer that snapped the above pic, and that the man wearing the union shirt holding the ripped up sign looks suspiciously like one of his sons, and that Parlock even happened to be around when his local Republican party headquarters were shot at by a unknown assailant ...well, it just kinda makes you think. Funny how our Phil always seems to end up in the wrong place at the wrong time - with the media in tow.

Donald Rumsfeld
We have an exciting new standard for American foreign policy! In recent weeks various reports have been released revealing the scope of prisoner abuse and torture in Iraq. According to one, "there have been about 300 allegations of prisoners killed, raped, beaten and subjected to other mistreatment at military prisons in Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay since the start of the war on terror." According to another, "commanding officers and their staffs at various levels failed in their duties and that such failure contributed directly or indirectly to detainee abuse." But don't worry about it! See, here's what Donald Rumsfeld had to say about the torture scandals last week: "Has it been harmful to our country? Yes. Is it something that has to be corrected? Yes. Does it rank up there with chopping off someone's head off on television? It doesn't." And there you have it, folks. As long as something isn't as bad as chopping off someone's head on television, we can do it. Talk about lowering the bar...

The Bush Administration
As the Associated Press reported last week, "The Bush administration wants to trim the Federal Aviation Administration's budget for buying new air traffic control equipment at a time when more planes are in the air." In related news, "Federal aviation officials plan to send a team to the Palmdale air traffic control center to investigate why a technician failed to perform required maintenance on a radio communications system, causing it to crash Tuesday and snarl flights across the country. The shutdown, which lasted more than three hours, led to at least five instances in which planes came too close to one another and caused about 800 flights in and out of Southern California's airports to be canceled, delayed or diverted." Don't worry about it!

Navistar
Just when you thought the craze for buying the largest vehicles with the world's worst gas mileage was dying out, along comes Navistar with their bid for the king-size SUV crown. Meet the Navistar CXT - 21 1/2 feet long, and 9 feet tall.

Man, I didn't know they made penises that small! The truck is built from the same platform as Navistar's cement mixer, and will cost $93,000 to $115,000 fully loaded. In case you were wondering, it gets 6-10 miles per gallon of diesel. But with pipelines back to normal and operating at 200% capacity in Iraq, all I can say to people who are worried about conservation is: don't worry about it! A Navistar spokesperson said, "We can see it as a vehicle for business people who want to make a distinct impression. For personal use, it's for people who want to make a statement." Yes, as long as that statement is, "Look at me! I'm a fucking asshole!"

The RNC
We've obviously noted previously that the GOP will do or say absolutely anything to get Bush elected, but this story from last week really takes the cake. According to the Associated Press, "Campaign mail with a return address of the Republican National Committee warns West Virginia voters that the Bible will be prohibited and men will marry men if liberals win in November." That's right - the mailing apparently shows a picture of a Bible with the word "BANNED" written across it. RNC Chairman Ed Gillespie didn't even bother to deny it, saying, "it could be the work of the RNC." What next? RNC mailings suggesting that liberals eat children? Don't bet against it...

Philadelphia Parking Authority
And when they're not trying to scare people into voting Republican, they're threatening them with their jobs. We close this week with two such stories, the first of which involves employees of the Republican-controlled Philadelphia Parking Authority who were told last week that if they didn't contribute to the Republican party, they'd be fired. According to ABC News in Philadelphia, "Five employees said they were pressured on the job to contribute $275 per year ... 'It's extortion,'said Michael J. Vecchione ... Vecchione, 38, said he had been on the job about a month when his supervisor asked him to buy a $100 ticket to the Republican City Committee's fall dinner. 'I told her, 'I'm not really a political person.' Then she told me, 'You should understand, this is a patronage job and you have to buy three tickets a year.' At that time, I refused to pay, but two days later another supervisor came up and said I was still under probation. If I didn't buy the tickets they could fire me." The Parking Authority described Vecchione as a "disgruntled employee." Hell, I'd be disgruntled if I was forced to donate to the GOP or lose my job.

Phil Geddes
And finally, if you look up "Bushbot Assmunch" in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of Phil Geddes, owner of cellulose insulation company Enviromate in Moulton, AL. Not only does Geddes put flyers in with his employees paychecks explaining that they owe their jobs to George W. Bush's tax cuts, he fired one of his workers last week because she had a Kerry bumper sticker on her car. The fired employee, Lynne Gobbell, said, "We were going back to work from break, and my manager told me that Phil said to remove the sticker off my car or I was fired. I told him that Phil couldn't tell me who to vote for. He said, 'Go tell him.'" So Gobbell went to Geddes's office. "Phil and another man who works there were there. I asked him if he said to remove the sticker and he said, 'Yes, I did.' I told him he couldn't tell me who to vote for. When I told him that, he told me, 'I own this place.' I told him he still couldn't tell me who to vote for." Shortly afterwards, Gobbell's manager came to tell her she was fired, saying of Geddes, "You could either work for him or John Kerry." But believe it or not, this story does have a happy ending. When John Kerry heard about the incident, he hired Gobbell to work on his campaign - and now she has an office at the DNC headquarters in Decatur, makes the same salary as her previous job, and gets full benefits. See you next week!

The Top Ten Conservative Idiots list is back on the radio! The Air America Radio Network's Ring of Fire show is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+ year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history." You can drop him a line at [email protected].

Nominate a Conservative for Next Week's List