Democratic Underground

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 170)

September 13, 2004
A Bushel of Bush Edition

Last week was a strong week for George W, Bush (1,2,3,5,8,9) who makes it onto this week's list no less than six times for a variety of utter nonsense and downright disgracefulness. Struggling to keep up - but performing no less idiotically - is Bush's veep Dick Cheney (6,7) whose mouth appears to be rapidly accelerating away from his brain. The two remaining slots are reserved for The Media (4), - who have thrown any pretense of fairness and balance out of the window so they can stick up for their boy in the White House - and Bill O'Reilly (10), who's just an asshat. Don't forget the key!

Note: You can now link directly to a Top Ten item by adding "#" plus the number of the item to the URL. So if you wish to point someone directly to, for example, number 6 on this week's list, add "#6" to the end of the URL so it looks like this:

1George W. Bush warmongering fearmongering helping the terrorists
When George W. Bush was selected, we all knew bad things were on the horizon. But if you'd told me that by the end of his first term 3,000 civilians would die on American soil and 1,000 American soldiers would die in Iraq, even I wouldn't have believed you. Last week marked the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, which, despite his failure to do anything after receiving a memo entitled "Bin Laden Determined to Attack in United States," are somehow a centerpiece of Bush's current election campaign. Meanwhile, after misleading the country into believing that Iraq was culpable in the terrorist attacks, and despite all evidence to the contrary, Team Bush is still conjuring up the specters of Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda in the same sentence while on the campaign trail. As we all know, Bush ignored bin Laden and instead went gung-ho into Iraq - and last week also marked the death of the 1,000th American soldier in that misbegotten campaign. So, to recap, Bush ignored al Qaeda until it was too late, then ignored them again so he could conquer Iraq by falsely connecting them to al Qaeda and lying about their weapons of mass destruction capabilities. Now Iraq is a quagmire, and our troops are dying at a rate of two a day over there. Yet somehow Bush has persuaded half of America that these are the very reasons for which he deserves another four years. Somebody please wake me up when this nightmare is over.

2George W. Bush chickenhawk hypocrisy
Let's get this straight: George W. Bush supported the Vietnam War, yet avoided it by taking a coveted position in the National Guard because of his father's influence, and then failed to show up for duty. Former Texas House Speaker Ben Barnes appeared on CBS' 60 Minutes last week and told Dan Rather, "Dan, I got a lot of young men from prominent families in Texas in the National Guard. Not that I'm necessarily proud of that. As I reflect back, particularly after I walked through the Vietnam Memorial recently in Washington and saw the thousands of names of the young men who lost their lives there - it's a fact that I'm not really proud of." When Rather asked if Barnes recommended George W. Bush, Barnes replied, "Yes I did." Bush has previously said that the Guard spot just kinda opened up and he just sorta happened to be in the right place at the right time. Sounds like the story of his life.

3George W. Bush chickenhawk cowardice
However, it's a shame that Bush's ability to show up in the right place at the right time didn't extend to his National Guard duties. In 1973 Bush signed a document saying, "It is my responsibility to locate and be assigned to another Reserve forces unit or mobilization augmentation position. If I fail to do so, I am subject to involuntary order to active duty for up to 24 months." But he never bothered to sign up for Guard duty in Massachusetts, which I guess means technically he should be sent on a two year tour of duty in Iraq. (Incidentally, back in 1999 Bush spokesman Dan Bartlett said that Bush had fulfilled his Guard commitment at a Boston area Air Force Reserve unit; now Bartlett claims that he "must have misspoke.") But never mind Massachusetts - what about Alabama, where George went to work on a political campaign? According to the UK Guardian, Bush "was transferred to the Alabama National Guard during the Vietnam war because his drunken behavior was a political liability to his father in Texas." Not one single person has come forward to say they remember seeing him there - although at least one can remember not seeing him there. And not only that, but documents recently obtained by CBS News show that Bush's superiors were not only pulling strings to get him out of his obligations, but even when he was ordered to show up he didn't. Yes, Our Great Leader sure was leading the charge to see who could be the biggest coward during Vietnam.

4The Media lying chickenhawk
The media certainly had a huge story last week - and promptly decided to drop the ball. The day after CBS's bombshell revelations, three wingnuts suggested on their blog that their documents might have been forged. Suddenly the Drudge Report picked up the story, and the media was off and running. At this point the story was being concocted out of whole cloth: the blog reported that the documents might be fake. Drudge reported that the blog was reporting that the documents might be fake. Drudge reported that CBS was holding an internal investigation. The blog reported that "it had been reported" that CBS was conducting an internal investigation. Dan Rather announced that the documents were genuine. Ergo, Dan Rather must be the culprit. Look, here's how it works: if you're a Democrat and the public record overwhelmingly supports the fact that you won three Purple Hearts, a Bronze Star, and a Silver Star, it only takes a few people with a grudge to lie about your actions and the media are all over it. "Did John Kerry really win a Bronze Star?" "Did he injure himself on purpose?" "Some people are saying..." - you get the picture. But if you're a Republican and the public record overwhelmingly supports the fact that your dad got you into the National Guard, you skipped out on your duties, you ignored direct orders from your superiors, and you didn't finish your six-year obligation, it only takes three Republicans with a website (and a lazy, complicit media) to turn the story on its head. Next thing you know the media is taking the word of "experts" who say things like, "These sure look like forgeries." Amazing how it all works, isn't it? Oh, and a note to Judy Woodruff: shut the fuck up about Bush's "honorable discharge." John Muhammad got an honorable discharge from the National Guard. In case you didn't know, that was after he was court-martialed twice, went AWOL, and spent time in prison; and before he went on a sniper rampage in DC, Virginia and Maryland, leaving 10 people dead.

5George W. Bush gun nut helping the terrorists
While we're on the subject of John Muhammad, George W. Bush just allowed the 1994 assault weapons ban to expire with nary a peep. According to polls, 71% of the public supported the ban, 64% of gun-owners supported it, and Even 46% of NRA members supported it. But for George W. Bush, the opinion of the public and the concerns of the nation's police chiefs simply weren't worth upsetting one of the most powerful lobbies in Washington DC over. But if that's not enough, perhaps George should pay attention to an al Qaeda training manual uncovered in Kabul, which said, "In countries like the United States, it's perfectly legal for members of the public to own certain types of firearms. If you live in such a country, obtain an assault rifle legally, preferably an AK-47 or variations." You know, I'm still confused at how Dubya can claim that he's making America safer...

6Dick Cheney excessive spin
Oh wait, now I got it - if they say they'll keep America safer, that automatically means it's true! Last week Dick Cheney made one of the most outrageous claims of the campaign so far - and that's saying something. During a campaign speech in Des Moines, he said, "It's absolutely essential that eight weeks from today, on Nov. 2, we make the right choice, because if we make the wrong choice then the danger is that we'll get hit again and we'll be hit in a way that will be devastating from the standpoint of the United States." Got that? If you elect John Kerry, we'll get attacked by terrorists - and it'll be your own fault! Ahem - Dick? I hate to break this to you, but the most devastating terrorist attack in history occurred while you were occupying the White House, jackass. I mean, I know you're very proud of that, but still... But I guess someone pointed out to Cheney that his comments made him look like an asshole, because he later "clarified" them, saying that what he meant was, "Whoever is elected president has to anticipate more attacks." Uh, right. Is it worth pointing out here that Republicans will literally say anything to get elected?

7Dick Cheney excessive spin dumb fiscal irresponsibility
The terror comments weren't the only nonsense Cheney spewed forth last week, though. Dick stunned the nation by revealing the reason that the economy doesn't look so great: eBay. "That's a source that didn't even exist 10 years ago," Cheney said at a campaign stop in Ohio. "Four hundred thousand people make some money trading on eBay." Unfortunately for Dick, he's talking out of his ass again. According to Brad DeLong, "the $2.0 billion or so in eBay's domestic revenues are already included in the Commerce Department's Bureau of Economic Analysis's estimates of GDP." Oops. By the way, I wonder if it occurred to Dick that a lot of those 400,000 people who are "making some money" trading on eBay have been reduced to selling their belongings because they can't get a job?

8George W. Bush Clinton hating lying
While we're on the economy, let's get back to George W. Bush. At a campaign stop last week, Bush resorted to an age-old and well-loved Republican tactic: blaming Bill Clinton. According to Bush, "In the last six months of the prior administration, more than 200,000 manufacturing jobs were lost. We're turning that around." And how is Bush turning it around? Why, by losing a further million net jobs in the last four years, of course! It's the worst job creation record since the Great Depression! Isn't it obvious to everyone that George W. Bush's policies are pushing our economy to greater and greater heights of magnificence? Yes folks - if you don't have a job, blame Bill Clinton. After all, by losing 200,000 jobs in the last six months of his administration, he only ended up creating 23 million jobs in 8 years. What a loser.

9 George W. Bush hypocrisy
Will George W. Bush ever take responsibility for anything that happens while he's president? Fresh from blaming Bill Clinton for the jobs lost since 2000, Our Great Leader turned his attention to that other "gathering threat" - trial lawyers. On the campaign trail last week, Bush said "junk lawsuits" are hindering job creation - a clear jab at John Edwards' legal background. (This is all despite the fact that the economy is "strong and getting stronger," naturally). Funny then that George hasn't always been opposed to "junk lawsuits" - take, for example, the time in 1999 when he sued Enterprise Rent-A-Car over a minor accident involving one of his daughters. Despite the fact that nobody was injured in the accident, and despite the fact that his insurance would have paid for the damages, Bush sued - and won - $2,500. Oh, but I forgot - like dodging the Vietnam War while simultaneously supporting it, Bush has a long history of saying one thing and doing another.

10Bill O'Reilly dumb
And finally, Bill O'Reilly fell for the oldest trick in the book last week when an anonymous jokester emailed him to criticize Fox for interviewing DNC chief Terry McAuliffe during both the Republican and Democratic National Conventions. Apparently Bill didn't notice that he was responding to a Mr. "Jack Mehoffer" who hailed from, of all places, Springfield - home of notorious prank caller Bart Simpson.

Bill proceeded to bloviate about how Fair and Balanced Fox is. "Well, right you are, Mr. Mehoffer. Newt Gingrich appeared with us at both conventions. So did Mr. McAuliffe. What's the beef, sir? It is long past time to stop the partisan nonsense. Fox News gives airtime to all responsible viewpoints." Be on the look out for future emails from Amanda Hugenkiss, Ivana Tinkle, and Hugh Jass. See you next week!

The Top Ten Conservative Idiots list is back on the radio! The Air America Radio Network's Ring of Fire show is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+ year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history." You can drop him a line at [email protected].

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