The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
September 13, 2004
A Bushel of Bush Edition
week was a strong week for George W, Bush (1,2,3,5,8,9) who makes
it onto this week's list no less than six times for a variety of
utter nonsense and downright disgracefulness. Struggling to keep
up - but performing no less idiotically - is Bush's veep Dick Cheney
(6,7) whose mouth appears to be rapidly accelerating away from his
brain. The two remaining slots are reserved for The Media (4), -
who have thrown any pretense of fairness and balance out of the
window so they can stick up for their boy in the White House - and
Bill O'Reilly (10), who's just an asshat. Don't forget the key!
Note: You can now link directly
to a Top Ten item by adding "#" plus the number
of the item to the URL. So if you wish to point someone directly
to, for example, number 6 on this week's list, add "#6"
to the end of the URL so it looks like this:
When George W. Bush was selected, we all knew bad things were on
the horizon. But if you'd told me that by the end of his first term
3,000 civilians would die on American soil and 1,000 American soldiers
would die in Iraq, even I wouldn't have believed you. Last week
marked the anniversary
of the 9/11 attacks, which, despite his failure to do anything after
receiving a memo
entitled "Bin Laden Determined to Attack in United States,"
are somehow a centerpiece of Bush's current election campaign. Meanwhile,
after misleading the country into believing that Iraq was culpable
in the terrorist attacks, and despite all evidence to the contrary,
Team Bush is still conjuring up the specters of Saddam Hussein
and al Qaeda in the same
sentence while on the campaign trail. As we all know, Bush ignored
bin Laden and instead went gung-ho into Iraq - and last week also
marked the death of the 1,000th American soldier in that misbegotten
campaign. So, to recap, Bush ignored al Qaeda until it was too late,
then ignored them again so he could conquer Iraq by falsely connecting
them to al Qaeda and lying about their weapons of mass destruction
capabilities. Now Iraq is a quagmire, and our troops are dying at
a rate of two
a day over there. Yet somehow Bush has persuaded half of America
that these are the very reasons for which he deserves another four
years. Somebody please wake me up when this nightmare is over.
Let's get this straight: George W. Bush supported the Vietnam War,
yet avoided it by taking a coveted position in the National Guard
because of his father's influence, and then failed to show up for
duty. Former Texas House Speaker Ben Barnes appeared on CBS' 60
Minutes last week and told
Dan Rather, "Dan, I got a lot of young men from prominent
families in Texas in the National Guard. Not that I'm necessarily
proud of that. As I reflect back, particularly after I walked through
the Vietnam Memorial recently in Washington and saw the thousands
of names of the young men who lost their lives there - it's a fact
that I'm not really proud of." When Rather asked if Barnes
recommended George W. Bush, Barnes replied, "Yes I did."
Bush has previously said that the Guard spot just kinda opened up
and he just sorta happened to be in the right place at the right
time. Sounds like the story of his life.
However, it's a shame that Bush's ability to show up in the right
place at the right time didn't extend to his National Guard duties.
In 1973 Bush signed
a document saying, "It is my responsibility to locate and
be assigned to another Reserve forces unit or mobilization augmentation
position. If I fail to do so, I am subject to involuntary order
to active duty for up to 24 months." But he never bothered
to sign up for Guard duty in Massachusetts, which I guess means
technically he should be sent on a two year tour of duty in Iraq.
(Incidentally, back in 1999 Bush spokesman Dan Bartlett said that
Bush had fulfilled his Guard commitment at a Boston area Air Force
Reserve unit; now Bartlett claims that he "must have misspoke.")
But never mind Massachusetts - what about Alabama, where George
went to work on a political campaign? According
to the UK Guardian, Bush "was transferred to the
Alabama National Guard during the Vietnam war because his drunken
behavior was a political liability to his father in Texas."
Not one single person has come forward to say they remember seeing
him there - although at
least one can remember not seeing him there. And not
only that, but documents
recently obtained by CBS News show that Bush's superiors were not
only pulling strings to get him out of his obligations, but even
when he was ordered to show up he didn't. Yes, Our Great Leader
sure was leading the charge to see who could be the biggest coward
The media certainly had a huge story last week - and promptly decided
to drop the ball. The day after CBS's bombshell revelations, three
suggested on their blog that their documents might have been forged.
Suddenly the Drudge Report picked up the story, and the media was
off and running. At this point the story was being concocted out
of whole cloth: the blog reported that the documents might be fake.
Drudge reported that the blog was reporting that the documents might
be fake. Drudge reported that CBS was holding an internal investigation.
The blog reported that "it had been reported" that CBS
was conducting an internal investigation. Dan Rather announced that
the documents were genuine. Ergo, Dan Rather must be the culprit.
Look, here's how it works: if you're a Democrat and the public record
overwhelmingly supports the fact that you won three Purple Hearts,
a Bronze Star, and a Silver Star, it only takes a
few people with a grudge to lie about your actions and the media
are all over it. "Did John Kerry really win a Bronze Star?"
"Did he injure himself on purpose?" "Some people
are saying..." - you get the picture. But if you're a Republican
and the public record overwhelmingly supports the fact that your
dad got you into the National Guard, you skipped out on your duties,
you ignored direct orders from your superiors, and you didn't finish
your six-year obligation, it only takes three Republicans with a
website (and a lazy, complicit media) to turn the story on its head.
Next thing you know the media is taking the word of "experts"
things like, "These sure look like forgeries." Amazing
how it all works, isn't it? Oh, and a note to Judy Woodruff: shut
the fuck up about Bush's "honorable discharge." John Muhammad
got an honorable discharge from the National Guard. In
case you didn't know, that was after he was court-martialed
twice, went AWOL, and spent time in prison; and before he
went on a sniper rampage in DC, Virginia and Maryland, leaving 10
While we're on the subject of John Muhammad, George W. Bush just
allowed the 1994 assault weapons ban to expire with nary
a peep. According to polls,
71% of the public supported the ban, 64% of gun-owners supported
it, and Even 46% of NRA members supported it. But for George W.
Bush, the opinion of the public and the concerns
of the nation's police chiefs simply weren't worth upsetting
one of the most powerful lobbies in Washington DC over. But if that's
not enough, perhaps George should pay attention to an al Qaeda training
manual uncovered in Kabul, which said, "In countries like
the United States, it's perfectly legal for members of the public
to own certain types of firearms. If you live in such a country,
obtain an assault rifle legally, preferably an AK-47 or variations."
You know, I'm still confused at how Dubya can claim that he's making
Oh wait, now I got it - if they say they'll keep America
safer, that automatically means it's true! Last week Dick Cheney
made one of the most outrageous claims of the campaign so far -
and that's saying something. During a campaign speech in Des Moines,
said, "It's absolutely essential that eight weeks from
today, on Nov. 2, we make the right choice, because if we make the
wrong choice then the danger is that we'll get hit again and we'll
be hit in a way that will be devastating from the standpoint of
the United States." Got that? If you elect John Kerry, we'll get
attacked by terrorists - and it'll be your own fault! Ahem
- Dick? I hate to break this to you, but the most devastating terrorist
attack in history occurred while you were occupying the White
House, jackass. I mean, I know you're very proud of that, but still...
But I guess someone pointed out to Cheney that his comments made
him look like an asshole, because he later "clarified"
that what he meant was, "Whoever is elected president
has to anticipate more attacks." Uh, right. Is it worth pointing
out here that Republicans will literally say anything to get elected?
The terror comments weren't the only nonsense Cheney spewed forth
last week, though. Dick stunned the nation by revealing the reason
that the economy doesn't look so great: eBay. "That's a source
that didn't even exist 10 years ago," Cheney
said at a campaign stop in Ohio. "Four hundred thousand people
make some money trading on eBay." Unfortunately for Dick, he's talking
out of his ass again. According
to Brad DeLong, "the $2.0 billion or so in eBay's domestic
revenues are already included in the Commerce Department's Bureau
of Economic Analysis's estimates of GDP." Oops. By the way,
I wonder if it occurred to Dick that a lot of those 400,000 people
who are "making some money" trading on eBay have been
reduced to selling their belongings because they can't get a job?
While we're on the economy, let's get back to George W. Bush. At
a campaign stop last week, Bush resorted to an age-old and well-loved
Republican tactic: blaming Bill Clinton. According
to Bush, "In the last six months of the prior administration,
more than 200,000 manufacturing jobs were lost. We're turning that
around." And how is Bush turning it around? Why, by losing a further
million net jobs in the last four years, of course! It's the worst
job creation record since the Great Depression! Isn't it obvious
to everyone that George W. Bush's policies are pushing our economy
to greater and greater heights of magnificence? Yes folks - if you
don't have a job, blame Bill Clinton. After all, by losing 200,000
jobs in the last six months of his administration, he only ended
up creating 23
million jobs in 8 years. What a loser.
George W. Bush
Will George W. Bush ever take responsibility for anything
that happens while he's president? Fresh from blaming Bill Clinton
for the jobs lost since 2000, Our Great Leader turned his attention
to that other "gathering threat" - trial lawyers. On the
campaign trail last week, Bush
said "junk lawsuits" are hindering job creation -
a clear jab at John Edwards' legal background. (This is all despite
the fact that the economy is "strong and getting stronger,"
naturally). Funny then that George hasn't always been opposed to
"junk lawsuits" - take, for example, the time in 1999
when he sued
Enterprise Rent-A-Car over a minor accident involving one of his
daughters. Despite the fact that nobody was injured in the accident,
and despite the fact that his insurance would have paid for the
damages, Bush sued - and won - $2,500. Oh, but I forgot - like dodging
the Vietnam War while simultaneously supporting it, Bush has a long
history of saying one thing and doing another.
And finally, Bill O'Reilly fell for the oldest trick in the book
last week when an anonymous jokester emailed him to criticize Fox
for interviewing DNC chief Terry McAuliffe during both the Republican
and Democratic National Conventions. Apparently Bill didn't notice
that he was responding to a Mr. "Jack Mehoffer" who hailed
from, of all places, Springfield - home of notorious prank caller
Bill proceeded to bloviate
about how Fair and Balanced Fox is. "Well, right you are, Mr.
Mehoffer. Newt Gingrich appeared with us at both conventions. So
did Mr. McAuliffe. What's the beef, sir? It is long past time to
stop the partisan nonsense. Fox News gives airtime to all responsible
viewpoints." Be on the look out for future emails from Amanda
Hugenkiss, Ivana Tinkle, and Hugh Jass. See you next week!
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots
list is back on the radio! The Air America Radio Network's
of Fire show is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo Conservatives"
- excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+ year radio veteran
Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast markets from the
Midwest to the west coast including an overseas hitch in Wellington,
New Zealand, and most of his radio experience was spent as
a morning show personality. He is currently employed by a
local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a local,
state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal roots went
down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota state
DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest in
politics and the Democratic philosophy and history." You can
drop him a line at [email protected].
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