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The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 133)
November
3, 2003
Omission Accomplished Edition
 To
borrow a phrase from Joe Lieberman, it was a banner week for
George W. Bush (1,2) who is still trying to sort out the whole
"Mission Accomplished" Aircraft Carrier fiasco.
And he's also got some pretty interesting "spin"
about the increasing number of dead American soldiers in Iraq.
Meanwhile, for the first time ever, we have a Democrat on
the list (at least, it's someone who identifies himself as
such). Despite the fact that our country has gone to hell
in a handbasket over the last three years Zell Miller (3)
has decided to endorse the chimp for reelection. Rounding
out the list, we've got an out-of-control CEO (5), three conservative
child molesters (6,7), a racist motel owner (8), a couple
of stupid congressional staffers (9), and the ever-popular
NRA (10). As usual, don't forget the key!
 George
W. Bush
White House communications director Dan Bartlett appeared
on this list back in September (see Idiots
128) for trying to pretend that the White House had nothing
to do with the "Mission Accomplished" banner hung
behind George W. Bush on the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln.
As if the White House - which went so far as to color-coordinate
the uniforms of the sailors standing behind Bush during his
speech - would allow a gigantic banner to hang in the frame
if they didn't want it to be there. But it was George W. Bush
himself who was most recently perpetuating this myth, disavowing
any connection to the banner at a press conference last week,
saying, "The 'Mission Accomplished' sign, of course, was put
up by the members of the USS Abraham Lincoln, saying that
their mission was accomplished. I know it was attributed somehow
to some ingenious advance man from my staff - they weren't
that ingenious, by the way." Whoops. The White House released
a statement hours later, which, according
to the Associated Press, said, "the Lincoln's crew
asked the White House to have the sign made. The White House
asked a private vendor to produce the sign, and the crew put
it up." I guess that would explain why the banner looks
exactly the same as other banners which have appeared deliberately
behind Our Great Leader at various campaign stops - um, I
mean, speeches of vital national importance:
Wow, look at that. Not only did they use the same flag graphic,
they used the same typeface. Lazy bastards! Mind you, the
fact that the White House created the banner seems to have
been common knowledge immediately after the carrier appearance
- the Washington Post reported
back in May that, "Aides say the slogan was chosen in
part to mark a presidential turn toward domestic affairs as
his campaign for reelection approaches." So I guess Bush
was more than happy to be associated with "Mission Accomplished"
- right up until the shit started hitting the fan in Iraq.
Typical really - as soon as things start going wrong President
Personal Responsibility looks around for somebody else to
hide behind. The CIA, MI6, his own advisors - now it's the
Navy's turn.
Point
of interest: Dan Bartlett had previously claimed that George
W. Bush never said "mission accomplished" (although
the banner was a bit of a giveaway) - unfortunately it didn't
take long for the White House to change its tune, because
that's exactly what Bush did say to the troops a
month later in Qatar: "America sent you on a mission
to remove a grave threat and to liberate an oppressed people,
and that mission has been accomplished." A second point
of interest: last week the number of American soldiers killed
by hostile fire in Iraq after Bush stood in front of
his "Mission Accomplished" banner jumped past the
number of soldiers killed by hostile fire during the initial
invasion. This is getting ridiculous.
 George
W. Bush (again)
It's not exactly the throwing of flowers that we were promised
by Bush and Cheney pre-war, but, you know... flowers... car
bombs... it's close enough for Dubya. Yes, if George W. Bush's
lame attempt to pass the buck on "Mission Accomplished"
left you confused, his take on the recent spate of car bombings
and attacks on U.S. troops in Iraq will make your head
spin. According to Our Great Leader, the increase in attacks
on American soldiers and international aid agencies is actually
a sign of progress. "The more successful we are on
the ground, the more these killers will react," said President
Brainiac last week. Oh really? So following this logic, at
what point can we declare total success on the ground? Hundreds
of attacks per day? Thousands? I mean, seriously, I'd like
to know, because frankly this whole thing just seems to be
getting kinda ass-backwards. First George W. Bush declares
Mission Accomplished at the beginning of the conflict,
and now he's of the opinion that the more American troops
are blown up and shot at, the better we're doing? How bizarre.
 Zell
Miller
In case you hadn't noticed, we're a partisan website, so we've
made a point in the past of excluding Democrats from this
list. But it's finally time to tell Sen. Zell Miller to go
jump in a lake. Miller announced last week that he would be
endorsing
George W. Bush for president in 2004 because he is "the
right man at the right time" to govern the country. How a
serial liar who has put 3 million people out of a job, killed
hundreds of American soldiers, and destroyed a foreign country
at the behest of his corporate donors by feeding the world
a line of bullshit translates to "the right man at the
right time" is anyone's guess. But clearly Miller has
his reasons - one of them presumably being that he enjoys
seeing America thrown into a world of hurt. So if Zell Miller
decides that he's going to spearhead a "Democrats for
Bush" group going into election season, call him and
tell him where to get off. Because as far as we're concerned,
Zell Miller is no longer a Democrat.
 The
Bush Administration
Surprise, surprise - Halliburton is going to be sucking at
the teat of Iraq a little while longer. It was announced
last week that the Bush Administration is extending Halliburton's
no-bid contract to rehabilitate Iraq's oil fields because
saboteurs keep blowing up the pipelines. The Army Corps of
Engineers hoped to announce the winners of new contracts this
month (and yes, Halliburton is in the running) but decided
to extend Halliburton's current no-bid contract into next
year. Amazing really - the worse things get in Iraq, they
better they get for Halliburton. The company just released
figures showing its third-quarter revenues up to $4.14 billion
from $2.98 billion last year. So I guess making money from
the misery of millions is a decent business to be in these
days - especially if your ex-CEO is the guy who gets to create
the misery in the first place.
 L.
Dennis Kozlowski
What do you do when your company is on the verge of bankruptcy?
If you're L. Dennis Kozlowski, former head of Tyco, you spend
two million dollars on a gigantic week-long birthday party
for your wife in the middle of the Mediterranean. Jurors in
Kozlowski's grand larceny trial saw 21 minutes of a four hour
videotape last week, which featured
Kozlowski welcoming partygoers to the island of Sardinia,
along with "five young women in scanty, diaphanous frocks
cavorting around a swimming pool, half-naked male models posing
in snapshots with female guests and a performance from a pop
star [Jimmy Buffett]." What the jurors didn't
get to see apparently included "an anatomically correct
ice sculpture of Michelangelo's 'David' urinating vodka,"
and, "two men dressed as ancient Romans carrying Kozlowski's
wife over their heads." The clever part, see, is that
Kozlowski managed to get Tyco to cover half the cost of the
party because "Tyco business was taken care of as well."
Presumably that was done while everyone was taking a break
from cavorting and gang-banging. But you know, if there's
one thing that makes me feel good about corporate America
it's got to be the knowledge that while millions of Americans
are losing their jobs, the top 1% are drinking vodka out of
ice penises.
 Jon
Matthews
Has another staunch promoter of "family values"
been caught with his pants down? It was revealed last week
that conservative talk show host Jon Matthews is under investigation
by the Sugarland Police Department for allegations of indecency
with a child, according
to ABC 13 in Houston, Texas. Matthews has been pulled
off the air by KSEV while the investigation is under way,
although he is already being defended by Republican congressman
John Culbertson: "I just can't even imagine� I refuse to believe
it� It must be a mistake..." I mean, a conservative child
molester - why, that's unheard of! Preposterous. I know of
no conservative in the history of mankind who has preached
family values while groping children. It's disgraceful to
even think that someone could be that hypocritical.
Hewart
Lee Bennett & Stephen White
Meanwhile, two preachers who were previously known for "fire
and brimstone" sermons denouncing "fornicators," "whores"
and "sodomites" are now better known as, well... fornicators,
whores and sodomites up to their nuts in fire and brimstone.
Rev. Hewart Lee Bennett and Rev. Stephen White were arrested
recently for "soliciting sex with boys under the age
of 16," according
to gfn.com. Bennett apparently talked dirty to young boys
online, but - get this - says he "only described sex
acts to gain their trust and tell them about the love of Jesus."
White, on the other hand, "approached an unidentified
teen boy and asked if he knew of any adult shops in the area
selling pornographic videos or magazines. After the boy told
him he did not, White told the boy he could 'make some money'
by letting White perform oral sex on him." Must be another
one of those parables from that weird secret version of the
Bible nutcase fundies carry around. By the way, at this point
I'd like to say on behalf of Congressman John Culbertson that
I just can't even imagine... I refuse to believe it...
It must be a mistake.
Raj
Patel
Conservatives always seem to be in the process of attempting
to roll the clock back to the 1950s, but there's a small town
in Florida that's tired of all the talk and is actually doing
something about it. Perry, Florida, made the news back in
2001 when a black lawmaker from Maryland was told at a local
bar that he would only be served if he sat in back. And last
week Perry made the news again when another black man was
allegedly
told by motel owner Raj Patel that "coloreds aren't allowed
in the pool." Patel, who is Indian, said, "Everybody is welcome
who pays me. I'm not against any color. My skin is not white,
I'm brown." But according to the Associated Press, "The
attorney general said he doubted Patel's version, saying the
investigation was based on 'multiple witnesses.'" Can
somebody please give Florida a call and let them know that
this is the 21st Century?
Two
Congressional Staffers
There was uproar
at the Cannon House Office Building in Washington DC last
week when two of Republican congressman John Shimkus's staffers
brought a toy gun through a security check point. The staffers
had the gun as part of a Halloween costume, and a security
officer - demonstrating just how tight security is on Capitol
Hill - didn't notice the gun's image on the x-ray machine
monitor until the staffers had collected their bags and left.
Panic ensued as the building was evacuated and the House of
Representatives was forced into recess while security officers
attempted to track down the gun-toting "terrorist"
and SWAT teams were summoned. The drama lasted about 90 minutes
before the red-faced staffers realized what was going on.
Just to put this in perspective, if you live in Washington
DC you know that you can't get into any government
building without passing through a metal detector. So why
two people who work in a government building would
be so dumb as to try and bring a plastic gun through in a
bag is kinda beyond me.
 The
NRA
And finally: do you want to know who the real enemies
of freedom are? Then just head on over to the NRA's website
and check out their 19-page
list of un-American gun grabbers. The blacklist was discovered
recently by gun-control advocates, and boy, if you're a member
of the NRA then stand by to get those panties in a bunch because
there are some damn scary people on there. Like who? Figure-skater
Tara Lipinski, for one. Still not scared? Then you've reckoned
without Jerry Seinfeld, who, unless the NRA can stop him,
will be coming round to collect your guns any day now along
with Catherine Zeta-Jones, Boyz II Men, and the Kansas City
Chiefs. Yes, it's a law-abiding gun owner's nightmare come
true. Picture waking up in the middle of the night to find
Leonard Nimoy sitting on your chest while Doug Flutie and
the Central Conference of American Rabbis cart off your prized
AK. Makes me break out in a cold sweat just thinking about
it. See you next week!
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots is now on the radio!
The ieAmerica Radio Network is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo
Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+
year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast
markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas
hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience
was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed
by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a
local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal
roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota
state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest
in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history."
You can drop him a line at [email protected]
- and don't forget to tune into the ieAmerica
Radio Network to hear "Cuckoo Conservatives!"
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