Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 132)
Take A Memo Edition
wouldn't say the shit has hit the fan for Donald Rumsfeld
(1) quite yet, but let's just say that the fan is blowing
and the shit is being carefully weighted and aimed. Rumsfeld
managed to make an ass out of George W. Bush (2,3) last week,
not that Bush needed much help. Meanwhile Fox News (4) just
can't seem to emphasize enough how stupid their viewers are,
Arnold Schwarzenegger (5) has come crashing down to earth,
and The Pentagon (7) are up to their usual tricks of not supporting
the troops. Elsewhere, Dennis Miller (8) might be making a
run for Senate, and Rush Limbaugh (10) is getting all touchy-feely.
Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the key!
It's been a rough couple of weeks for the Rumster. First George
W. Bush went behind his back and put Condoleezza Rice in charge
of rebuilding Iraq (poor Don didn't see THAT
one coming!), and then last week a morose Rumsfeld memo ended
up in the hands of the press, causing the administration to
look rather foolish. And when your boss is sneaking around
divvying up your work to your colleagues, the last thing you
want to do is make him look foolish. Well... more foolish.
In the memo, Rumsfeld questioned
whether the US is winning the war on terrorism, writing, "Is
our current situation such that 'the harder we work, the behinder
we get?'" (yes, he used the word 'behinder') and suggested
that winning the war would be a "long, hard slog."
Fortunately for Don, it's not like Our Great Leader is, oh,
I dunno, in the middle of a PR
campaign to convince Americans how great everything is
going in Iraq or something. And it's not like Bush would have
had the nuts to stand up in front of the troops and say stuff
like, "We're rolling back the terrorist threat, not
on the fringes of its influence but at the heart of its power,"
if his defense secretary had completely the opposite opinion,
surely? But anyway, back to the memo. Rumsfeld appeared at
briefing soon after the leak, armed with a dictionary
definition of the word "slog" which he told reporters
meant, "to hit or strike hard, to drive with blows, to assail
violently." Right... so just to clear that up, he didn't
mean, "To walk or progress with a slow heavy pace; plod."
It just, um, came across that way.
What's worse than a bumbling idiot? Why, a bumbling idiot
who surrounds himself with bumbling idiot advisors, of course.
Our Great Leader must have been privately seething after Rumsfeld's
memo was leaked, but not merely because it completely undermined
his "Everything's Just Fine In Iraq" PR campaign.
Wasn't it only a few weeks ago that Dubya was coming over
all macho about cracking down on leaks? Well yes, it
was: "There's leaks in the executive branch, there's
leaks in the legislative branch, there's just too many leaks.
And if there is a leak out of my administration, I want to
know who it is," said Bush at the end of September. Tough
words - and now here's his chance to back them up! See, the
Rumsfeld memo was only sent to four people - General Richard
Myers, General Peter Pace, Paul Wolfowitz and Douglas Feith.
So in theory, it shouldn't be too hard to figure out
where the leak came from. In fact, you might say that the
odds are really quite good! Unless of course Our Great Leader
has completely forgotten the bold pronouncements he made less
than four weeks ago, which, let's face it, would not exactly
W. Bush (again)
But despite the occasional bump in the road, Bush's "Everything's
Just Fine In Iraq" PR campaign is going ahead full steam.
And one of the methods the administration is using to convince
people that, indeed, everything is just fine in Iraq,
is simply covering up the coffins of dead American soldiers.
to the Washington Post, the administration is "banning
news coverage and photography of dead soldiers' homecomings
on all military bases" - because hey, if you can't see
it, it isn't happening, right?! Brilliant. Unfortunately Bush
may need to revisit his "head in the sand" policy,
because the very, very bad news is that on average, more coalition
soldiers are now being killed
per day than were being killed per day when George declared
"mission accomplished" back on May 1, and attacks
on coalition soldiers have increased
markedly in recent weeks. But I guess it doesn't matter
as long as we keep covering up their coffins when they arrive
back in the US. Way to support the troops, George.
For some reason Fox News seems to be on a constant crusade
to prove how stupid its viewers are. First they tried to sue
Al Franken because they claimed that the front cover of his
book could be confused for a Fox News product (hey, considering
the word "lies" appears on it in big letters, maybe
they had a point). But apparently this isn't the first time
that Fox News honchos have demonstrated their complete inability
to understand satire by threatening a frivolous lawsuit -
they once hilariously threatened to sue another Rupert Murdoch-owned
enterprise, "The Simpsons." "Simpsons"
creator Matt Groening revealed
this tidbit on NPR's "Fresh Air" program
last week, telling interviewer Terry Gross that Fox News threatened
to sue if an episode spoofing the news channel was aired.
The episode featured, among other digs at Fox News, a ticker
scrolling across the bottom of the screen displaying vehemently
anti-Democratic party slogans. Groening called their bluff
and went ahead with the show because he assumed that Rupert
Murdoch wouldn't be stupid enough to sue himself, but apparently
there is now a rule at Fox which says that "The Simpsons"
isn't allowed to spoof Fox News anymore. Why? Because they
don't want Fox News viewers to get confused. Now, we've
known for a long time that Fox News viewers can't tell the
difference between real life and a cartoon, but to hear Fox
News themselves admit it is really quite fascinating.
So the heady days of California's bizarre recall election
are over, and now it's time to get down to business. Unfortunately
it looks like Governor Groping Austrian Beefcake is about
to take a shot in the gut from the phased plasma rifle of
to the L.A. Times, Schwarzenegger got "a grim
briefing on California's budget Thursday, and emerged appearing
sobered." That's right - suddenly Arnold has realized
that now he's the governor, he actually has to run the state.
Bummer. "The problem was created over the last five years,"
said Arnie, "and so you can't expect that - even though
I've played very, very heroic characters in the movies, but
you can't expect me to walk into his office and all of a sudden
come out with the answers." What? But surely during the
campaign, Arnold kept going on and on about how he was going
to swoop in and fix California's problems in the blink of
an eye. I mean, I know he didn't explain how he
was going to do it, but I got the impression that the fact
he played "very, very heroic characters in the movies"
was going to be an integral part of his governing technique.
Does this mean that we can no longer expect him to pump up
Sacramento? What a letdown. I was looking forward to that.
If you can't get enough of Ann Coulter - and I know you can't
- then have I got a product for you! Talking Presidents, manufacturers
of such presidential action figures as George W. Bush, Bill
Clinton, and, um, George H.W. Bush, is breaking
new ground with its Ann Coulter action figure. The figure
comes complete with a series of pithy catchphrases apparently
recorded by Coulter herself, such as, "Liberals can't
just come out and say they want to take more of our money,
kill babies, and discriminate on the basis of race,"
and, "Liberals hate America, they hate flag-wavers, they
hate abortion opponents, they hate all religions except Islam,
post 9/11. Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like
Liberals do. They don't have the energy. If they had that
much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing by now." Hilarious
stuff, huh? The figure itself looks remarkably like Coulter,
right down to the plastic skin and bleached flyaway mane.
And if you're a collector of tasteless pieces of crap, you'll
also want to check out Talking Presidents' George W. Bush
art print, a remarkable value at $11.99 plus S&H.
Hang it on your front porch this Halloween and give the neighborhood
children a real fright.
The Top Ten wouldn't be the Top Ten these days without a report
on how the Department of Defense is screwing the troops. Here's
the latest. The recent bombing of an American diplomatic convoy
in the Gaza Strip left three security specialists dead, but
the way the Pentagon has treated at least one of the relatives
of the deceased is quite remarkable. Courtney Linde, whose
husband John was killed in the attack, was diagnosed with
bone cancer while going through Air Force Tech School, but
the Air Force refused to give her any medical benefits to
help pay for surgery and chemotherapy because they claimed
it was a pre-existing condition. Funny that, because when
Courtney signed up she passed her medical with flying colors.
So what does this have to do with John Linde? Well, the reason
he took the dangerous assignment in the Gaza Strip in the
first place was because he and his wife were so desperate
to cover the cost of their medical bills, they needed the
extra money. Hats off to the Pentagon for yet another great
example of how to support the troops.
How times have changed. It seems like only
yesterday that conservatives were deriding liberal celebrities
for criticizing the war on Iraq, and telling them to shut
up about politics. But the critics seem to have gone strangely
silent on the issue of Arnold Schwarzenegger, a man who, by
his own admission, "played very, very heroic characters
in the movies," and is now governor of California. And
now, suddenly, it seems that being a celebrity is in fact
absolutely fine with conservatives - as long as they know
which side their bread is buttered on, if you know what I
mean. Take Dennis Miller for example, whose fabulous locks
once awed the nation every Saturday night from the Weekend
Update desk. But the career of the post-mulletectomy Miller
has taken a turn for the worse - first being booted from Monday
Night Football for being, well, crap, then appearing every
other week on The Tonight Show to stick his tongue up George
W. Bush's arse, and finally coming to rest as a decidedly
non-hilarious political commentator on the Fox News network.
So what's next for Miller? Well, the word on the street is
that he may be considering a run for Senate in California,
and some conservatives are - surprise - absolutely thrilled.
Radio host Hugh Hewitt gushed, "A Miller candidacy guarantees
the ability to get a message past gatekeepers like the Los
Angeles Times. That's a huge plus." And National Republican
Senatorial Committee spokesman Dan Allen was enthusiastic,
citing the Schwarzenegger campaign which "energized"
Republicans in California. To be fair, there are Republicans
who think that Miller wouldn't be such a great candidate,
but not because he's a celebrity - because they think he doesn't
stand a chance in hell of winning. And anyway, it would be
a "great loss to comedy," according to David Horowitz,
who apparently hasn't noticed that the last time Miller said
something funny was in 1987.
Of all the conservatives who've gotten their panties in a
bunch over CBS's forthcoming Ronald Reagan movie, Rep. Eric
Cantor (R-VA) is surely sitting the most uncomfortably. During
an appearance on Buchanan & Press last week, Cantor made
not-so-veiled suggestions that CBS should have its license
revoked if it went ahead with the movie. "I'm just
saying I think as a representative of the people of the Commonwealth
of Virginia and as a member of Congress we have a duty to
make sure that licenses at the federal level are not abused...and
abuse means using those licenses to advance a political agenda."
said Cantor. Riiiiight. So CBS should have their license revoked
for airing one movie, but "Fair and Balanced" Fox
News should, don't tell me, be applauded for their evenhanded
and unbiased approach to news reporting. Interesting that
Saint Ronnie of Reagan is considered so untouchable that members
of Congress will threaten to shut down TV stations for besmirching
him. In fact, why not just go the whole hog? Perhaps Eric
Cantor could simply a introduce a Constitutional amendment
which says that any station caught broadcasting material unfavorable
to the GOP will have their licenses revoked, their offices
burned down, and their CEO's hung in the public square. That
should put a stop to the evil liberal media once and for all.
And finally, an update on Rush Limbaugh's pill-popping problem.
It appears that the Ditto King's treatment is going spectacularly
well, and the word on the street is that he will be back on
the air as promised, fresh as a daisy and clean as a whistle.
Remarkable how effective treatment can be for rehabilitating
drug addicts back into society, isn't it? Such a shame that
Republicans think drug treatment is an evil waste of taxpayer
money. Of course, that doesn't apply to Rush - he can afford
the very best. Real treatment. The kind of treatment
which can only be afforded by drug addicts who have pulled
themselves up by the bootstraps. But Rush's listeners may
be in for a shock - it turns out that his rehab clinic may
be the epitome of everything Rush has railed against throughout
his career. Limbaugh is rumored
to be receiving treatment at Sierra Tucson, which apparently
"utilizes many different types of therapeutic modalities
to access underlying issues." Picture Rush partaking
in "psychodynamic role-playing and yoga" and "adventure
therapy," not to mention hauling his bulk up the Sierra
Tuscon climbing wall (which apparently serves as an "important
therapeutic metaphor.") Or will he be more comfortable
with "the desert experience" and "equine-assisted
therapy?" Personally I can picture Rush bonding with
a horse. So will we see a kinder, gentler Limbaugh emerge
from rehab? Only time will tell! See you next week...
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots is now on the radio!
The ieAmerica Radio Network is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo
Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+
year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast
markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas
hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience
was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed
by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a
local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal
roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota
state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest
in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history."
You can drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com
- and don't forget to tune into the ieAmerica
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