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The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 119)
July 28, 2003
Saudi Doody Edition

Boy oh boy, the hits keep coming. Top Ten No. 119's number one slot is reserved for The Bush Administration, who are taking fire from all sides. This week it was the turn of the 9/11 Commission to slap the administration around the face and neck. But individual members of the administration won't escape their punishment this week; Dick Cheney (2) has popped up from his undisclosed location to spout a few more lies about Iraq, George W. Bush (3) has totally mishandled the deaths of Uday and Qusay Hussein, and Condoleezza Rice (4) may have to start "spending more time with her family." Meanwhile, Darrell Issa's (5) money appears to have been well spent, the RNC (6) throw a hissy fit, and Borders Books (8) is just plain dumb. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

1The Bush Administration covering your ass covering your ass warmongering
The latest blow to the administration's credibility is last week's release of the 9/11 Commission Report. The report clearly states that many mistakes were made by various intelligence agencies, and while a terrorist attack like 9/11 may have been inevitable, the FBI and CIA didn't exactly go out of their way to
prevent it. So, the FBI and the CIA suck. That's not exactly new information. But what is interesting is that in case nobody noticed, we appear to be stuck in a bloody guerilla war in Iraq, which we started because people like Colin Powell made statements like this to the UN: "These al Qaeda affiliates, based in Baghdad, now coordinate the movement of people, money and supplies into and throughout Iraq for his network, and they've been operating freely in the capital for more than eight months." It's no surprise that recent polls showed that more than 50% of people thought that Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11 - the administration has spun an incredibly effective propaganda web. Yet here comes the 9/11 Commission Report which definitively proves that the United States had no intelligence whatsoever to substantiate such a claim. Mind you, while there wasn't really anything in the report about Iraq, there was an awful lot of stuff about Saudi Arabia. Unfortunately it was all blacked out. Quite upsetting for the 9/11 relatives from what I hear, but this is national security, dontcha know. Classifed information. If they want to be good Americans they shouldn't ask why their relatives died, they should just grin and bear it for the good of the country. After all, we're at war with Iraq because they, uh, help terrorists and, um, rule by brutal dictatorship, but we're not at war with Saudi Arabia because they're, er, our very good friends who, mmm, wouldn't harm a fly. And besides, we don't want America to find out that Poppy Bush and friends have been giving aid and comfort to the enemy, do we?

2Dick Cheney warmongering lying hypocrisy
The big guy has been hiding out in his yellow-belly hidey-hole for quite some time now. Has he been too scared to face the public? Plotting his next oil war? Or simply counting all those brown paper envelopes from Halliburton? But Dick did manage to poke his head out of the bunker last week, just in time to prove that he hasn't been paying any attention whatsoever to the scandal that's surrounded the White House lately. At a speech at the American Enterprise Institute, he regurgitated most of the same tired crap that has been roundly debunked in recent weeks, from "the safety of the American people was at stake," to quoting a report which stated that Iraq was "continuing, and in some areas expanding, its chemical, biological, nuclear and missile programs" (although of course Dick failed to quote the section from the very same report
which states that "the claims of Iraqi pursuit of natural uranium in Africa are... highly dubious.") So how can Dick Cheney still be claiming that Iraq was an imminent threat to the United States, when it's becoming clear that it couldn't bomb its way out of a cardboard box? And why is he still claiming that Iraq was practically humping Al Qaeda's leg when the recently released 9/11 report puts an end to the myth that Saddam and Osama were in cahoots? Well, some would say it's because he's a fat lying hypocrite. But I prefer to think of him as a cock-nosed scumbucket.

3George W. Bush dumb
Last week US forces killed Saddam's sons Uday and Qusay Hussein in a gun battle. And while nobody is mourning the loss of these two brutal murderers/rapists, Our Great Leader managed to handle the situation much as he's handled everything else since he entered the White House - with complete ineptitude. First, Bush decided to publicly release photographs of the gruesome twosome, in the mistaken belief that Iraqis might suddenly realize that their oppressors were dead and start throwing flowers at our troops. Which is presumably why three American soldiers were killed the next day, and Saddam's former Fedayeen militiamen released a tape vowing to avenge the killing of his sons. Not only that, but the bodies of Uday and Qusay were later touched up with morticians putty - a practice apparently unheard of in the Middle East - to make them more recognizable. Thus putting doubt into the minds of any Iraqis who were willing to believe Bush in the first place, not least because the sons' faces now look like they've been sculpted out of Play-Doh by a six-year-old. Good job.

4Condoleezza Rice covering your ass lying excessive spin
Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen. Who thinks Condoleezza Rice is going to be out of a job before this is all over? (Mind you, I'm sure chances are equally good that due to Bush's Bizarro World she'll end up getting a promotion.) The last couple of weeks have been particularly interesting for Ms. Rice, as she twists and turns in the White House's flap-induced breeze. Let's take a look at some of her earlier statements on Iraq. For example, there was that time she told Tim Russert that "no one in our circles knew that there were doubts and suspicions that [the uranium documents] might be a forgery." Except, whoops, it was revealed last week that "The CIA sent two memos to the White House in October voicing strong doubts" about the claim. Oh dear. And then there was that time she said the CIA had cleared Bush's State of the Union speech "in its entirety," and if CIA director George Tenet had any misgivings, "he did not make them known" to the White House. Except, uh-oh, it was revealed last week that Condoleezza's top deputy Stephen Hadley "apparently received two memos from the CIA and a phone call from agency Director George Tenet last October raising objections" about the claim. There are plenty more of these at Buzzflash. But for now, all we want to know is: is it really such a good idea to have a compulsive liar as the head of your National Security team, Mr. Bush? No wonder you keep getting into these scrapes.

5Darrell Issa partisanship election stealing
Looks like the wingnuts have collected all the signatures they need to recall Governor Gray Davis, mainly thanks to Darrell "Car Thief" Issa (see Idiots 116) spending millions of dollars on professional signature collectors. Don't you just love it when a single wingnut with a lot of money and a band of roving dittoheads can overturn election results? Hmm, kinda reminds me of Selection 2000. But anyway, Issa is doing this purely as a matter of principle, because he believes that Gray Davis has failed California by creating massive budget deficits. (Of course, George W. Bush's deficits are just fine and dandy, and Dubya in no way helped Enron give California the shaft by creating an energy crisis out there.) No, Issa stands by his principles, which is why he's not running for governor to replace Davis. What's that? He is running for governor? Wow, what a king-sized asshole.

6The RNC partisanship hypocrisy
The RNC has launched a letter campaign to try and prevent the DNC from running television ads criticizing George W. Bush's State of the Union comments. And unsurprisingly that famous Republican hypocrisy has come shining through once again. The RNC's strongly-worded - practically threatening - letter to television stations who are going to show the ad claims that it is - wait for it - "deliberately false and misleading." Oh, oh, the irony, ouch, it hurts. So I guess the RNC doesn't consider it "deliberately false and misleading" when the President of the United States stands up at the State of the Union address and tells the world that we have to invade Iraq because it is a) in league with Al Qaeda (debunked) b) about to attack us with its vast stockpiles of chemical and biological weapons (debunked) and c) on the verge of building nuclear weapons (deeeee-bunked). Yet it is is false and misleading when Democrats point out that Bush's comments were a load of crap. How strange.

7Republican Attorneys General Association partisanship quid pro quo
It was revealed last week that members of the Republican Attorneys General Association (RAGA) - including Bill Pryor, one of George W. Bush's judicial nominees, John Cornyn, U.S. senator from Texas, and Jane Brady, the current attorney general of Delaware - have been soliciting corporations for money. "This is incredibly tawdry," said Charles Lewis, director of the Center for Public Integrity. "That famous statue of the lady of justice with the blindfold - this kind of throws that out the window. There is an incredible mercenary element to this that implies that policy is bought and sold and not done... based on public interest and public need." Where have you been, Charles? Crikey. What's even more interesting though, is that apparently the attorneys general have been doing a spot of money laundering on the side. It seems that funds raised by RAGA were delivered to the RNC, and then disbursed to campaigns around the country (including campaigns by the attorneys general) without any mention of the attorneys general who made the solicitations. And conveniently, RAGA does not file public financial disclosure statements. Can you smell the sleaze?

8Borders Books dumb
Time for episode #264263 of our 56748203-part series, "How Uptight Can You Get?" Here's the scoop: Borders Books in Fredericksburg, VA, banned a woman from their store last week for saying that George W. Bush had "chicken legs." Singer-songwriter Julia Rose was performing at the store when she made the remark, and is now utterly bewildered that she's been banned from the Fredericksburg store. According to, "she was just poking fun at the president's frame and wasn't making a political comment." Banned from Borders Books for saying Our Great Leader has chicken legs? Shame, I was planning on shopping at Borders next weekend. But I imagine I won't be welcome in there since I'm about to call him a money-grubbing draft-dodging psychopath with a tiny penis. Oh well, c'est la vie.

9 George W. Bush hypocrisy

(AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

So while our troops are dying overseas to preserve the great American way of life (allegedly), George W. Bush is scribbling his name all over Old Glory at a campaign stop. Tsk tsk tsk. The president really should know better than to go around desecrating the flag. Mind you, it does seem to run in the family.

10Everyone Else hypocrisy homophobia warmongering screwing the poor covering your ass partisanship quid pro quo dumb
And finally, we've had a busy couple of weeks and we've passed over a few great stories. So here, for your enjoyment, are the conservative idiots we didn't manage to squeeze in recently: Iowa Republican tort reformer files dog bite case... the county where Fred Phelps lives has just banned anti-gay discrimination... Tom DeLay is on his way to solve the Israel/Palestine conflict (and fights against cheaper drugs for seniors)... tens of thousands will lose college aid... Michael Powell covers his ass... Bob Dole is a loser... Richard Perle says it might take 200 years to find WMDs in Iraq... but Paul Wolfowitz says WMDs don't matter anyway... Halliburton has been hired to feed and house up to 100,000 soldiers in Iraq (surprise!)... and Sen. Mitch McConnell's daughter has been in trouble for gagging her elementary school students with Scotch Tape and binding them to chairs with a leather belt. See you next week!

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