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The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 118)
July
21, 2003
Under The Weather Edition
 Drip...
drip... drip... ker-sploosh! Things are starting to
look decidedly leaky for the Bush administration, who top
the list this week with further revelations that, well, they
told a few fibs about Iraq. But hey everyone, don't worry
about it. Meanwhile George W. Bush (2) has failed to notice
that his previous lies about Iraq are becoming a problem,
and has instead started to make up new ones. Elsewhere,
Rep. Bill Thomas (3) is not just a brand new name this week,
he's also a giant fascist. Finally, the White House (4) has
started smearing reporters who tell the truth, the State Department
(6) has a groovy new mag for Middle-Eastern teenagers, Pat
Robertson (7) is losing it, and the once-great pro-war movement
(10) has decided that now is probably a good time to start
bashing the troops. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!
 The
Bush Administration
It appears that the Bush administration's pushing of false
information about uranium from Niger is just the tip of the
iceberg in the evolving Iraq scandal. What's that you say?
No kidding? Well, quite. While more informed members
of the public have been aware of this administration's machinations
for some time, it's only now that the media is starting to
wake up. But that's okay - we can be patient. The latest crack
in the administration's façade is the revelation that
Iraq's alleged weapons of mass destruction were not
ready to be deployed in 45 minutes, as claimed. This lie has
been dogging the British government for some time, and now
it's the Bush administration's turn. And administration officials
admitted
last week that they "did not seek CIA approval before
charging that Saddam Hussein could launch a biological or
chemical attack within 45 minutes," according to the
Washington Post, despite the fact that this charge
still
appears on the White House website. So why on earth would
they make such a claim without consulting the CIA? Well, either
they a) wanted to invade Iraq so badly that they were willing
to simply make stuff up to justify it, or b) uh... that's
it. But it's okay, because as the UK Guardian reported
last week, the administration have apparently been making
good use of a "shadow rightwing intelligence network
set up in Washington to second-guess the CIA." Now, I'm
of the opinion that competition is generally a good thing.
But when it comes to national security I'm not entirely
sure that encouraging competition between agencies to see
who can come up with the most politically convenient intelligence
is necessarily the best idea. I dunno, call me old-fashioned...
 George
W. Bush
Was it just two weeks ago that Our Great MisLeader lambasted
"revisionist historians" for dissembling about what
happened in the run-up to the invasion of Iraq? Because this
week Bush proved beyond doubt that he is not merely
a liar or a stinking hypocrite, but - worse than that - he
actually has no fucking clue what's going on around him. During
a speech last week about his "darned good intelligence"
Bush came
up with this gem: "We gave [Saddam] a chance to allow
the inspectors in, and he wouldn't let them in. And, therefore,
after a reasonable request, we decided to remove him." Now
pardon me, but of all the lies that the administration has
told during this affair, this particular one is 100% FIRST-CLASS
TOP-DRAWER A-ONE BULLSHIT. Since George has obviously forgotten,
here's what actually happened - the Iraqis did allow
the weapons inspectors back into Iraq, and then they had to
pull out because George gave Saddam a 48-hour ultimatum. I
mean, have I gone mad here? This did
actually happen didn't it? But let's face it - the most
frightening thing about this latest lie is that I'm left wondering
to myself why I know that UN weapons inspectors were
in Iraq for four whole months before we invaded, and yet the
President of the United States doesn't. I mean, this
is only the pre-emptive invasion of a sovereign nation
we're talking about here. So it would probably be nice if
the leader of this country - the commander-in-chief of the
military - could clearly remember decisions that he was involved
in as far back as, ooh, March. And don't give me this "misspeaking"
crap either. How the hell do you misspeak about something
this important - something so relevant to your decision to
go to war? It's a simple fact for crying out loud! For goodness
sake, man, sort yourself out! You're an embarrassment!
 Bill
Thomas
The police state: a
glimpse of things to come if the Republicans get their
way? Last week House Republicans made last-minute changes
to a pension bill (which was, incidentally, generally supported
by both Democrats and Republicans). The changes were included
shortly before midnight, and the next morning Democrats complained
that they didn't have enough time to review the new bill before
voting on it. Tough noogies, said House Ways and Means Committee
Chairman Bill Thomas, clearly expecting Democrats to simply
go along and approve something they hadn't even read. So the
Democrats invoked a House rule which forced a clerk to read
aloud the entire 200 page bill, line by line, and, leaving
only Rep. Pete Stark to hold the fort, retreated to a nearby
library to discuss what to do next. Unfortunately they didn't
have much of a chance, because Bill Thomas - obviously emboldened
by the recent redistricting fiasco in the Texas State House
- promptly called the police to remove the Democrats from
the library. Back on the House floor, as chaos reigned
in the library, Thomas interrupted the reading of the bill
to ask for unanimous consent to move on and vote, and immediately
brought down his gavel before Rep. Stark had a chance to object.
Stark then attempted to make a "parliamentary inquiry,"
only to be ignored by Bill Thomas, who immediately allowed
the Republicans to approve the bill unanimously by voice vote.
Nice. Don't give Democrats a chance to read bills before expecting
them to vote on them, call the police on them while they're
trying to figure out what to do, and then force through a
vote anyway after ignoring the objections of the opposition.
It's democracy, Republican-style. Thank goodness George W.
Bush's plan to end partisanship in Washington has borne such
wonderful fruit. (Editor's note: it's just come to our attention
that Bill Thomas is not new to the Top 10 - he previously
demonstrated his love for abuse of power back in Idiots
80.)
 The
White House
The White House is in such a serious state of panic right
now that they've resorted to doing everything they can to
smear reporters who don't toe the Bush line. Take ABC's Jeffery
Kofman, for example, who did a story last week on the rapidly-
vanishing morale of American soldiers in Iraq. The White House
didn't like this - telling the truth to the American people
is a serious offense these days - and obviously decided that
any reporters caught actually doing their jobs should be punished.
Sounds scary, but don't worry - apparently the best punishment
they could come up with was to leak
to Matt Drudge that not only is Jeffrey Kofman openly
gay, he is also... wait for it... Canadian. Oh, ouch,
that hurts. Ooh. Please, no. C'mon guys, this White House
is supposed to be the most powerful, most on-message, most
unified of all-time in the history of the world ever. Is this
the best you can come up with? Lame!
 Jeb
Bush
Jeb Bush wants to reform Florida's medical malpractice tort
system because of the huge rise in medical malpractice suits
which is crippling the state's healthcare system. Doctors
are leaving Florida, and the poor downtrodden insurance companies
are being forced to pay out millions of dollars in malpractice
settlements every year. Thank goodness for Jeb Bush and his
support for a cap on pain-and-suffering awards. Except there's
one small problem - it's all a bunch of crap. Much like his
idiot brother, Jeb is now looking quite the ass after real
evidence was put forth to contradict the claims he's been
making. As it happens, there are now more doctors in Florida
than there were five years ago, and there is no sharp rise
in frivolous lawsuits against doctors, nor in the number of
malpractice settlements made by insurance companies. All this
according to a recent
Florida State Senate hearing involving dozens of voluntary
witnesses. Oh well, I guess Jeb will just have to start telling
people that okay, sure, Florida doesn't have medical malpractice
troubles now, but if this isn't taken care of right
away, there could be a huge and dangerous problem within 45
minutes. And anyway, he didn't even say it, it was his Chief
of Staff. Or the British. Or something.
 The
State Department
Hey, kids of the Middle East! Don't pay any attention to that
nasty Osama bin Laden! He's bogus, dude! Instead, check out
the State Department's funky
new Arabic-language publication for the plugged-in Middle
Eastern teenager, Hi magazine! We've got cool features,
celebrity news, and all the latest music gossip! It'll teach
you all about what it's like to live over here in the good
ol' U.S. of Stateside, and you'll learn why our way of life
is so awesome that we have to protect it by invading your
countries. So just in case an American bomb happens to drop
through your roof and kill your family, remember: read
Hi magazine and you'll understand exactly why we had
to do it! Peace out!
 Pat
Robertson
Pat's on a roll. After his recent sterling defense of murderous
dictator Charles Taylor (see Idiots 117)
he decided that it was time to ask God for a bit of smiting.
So Pat recently opened a 21-day "Prayer Offensive"
against the Supreme Court justices who voted to decriminalize
sodomy. On his website, Pat
wrote, "One justice is 83-years-old, another has
cancer and another has a heart condition. Would it not be
possible for God to put it in the minds of these three judges
that the time has come to retire?" Just retire, Pat?
Hmm? Nothing else? Don't want God to perhaps strike them down
at all? Maybe just a little bit? You know, it's actually quite
strange how Pat's religion works: "Dear God, I've been
praying to you for ages. Now can you get rid of some people
I don't like? I mean, c'mon, do me a favor here. After everything
I've done for you! There are those piles of money I
collect and look after for you, and hey, what about all those
folks that I've convinced to hate gays and liberals?"
Look, I'm not sure what religion Pat thinks he's practicing,
but let's get one thing straight - it sure ain't Christianity.
 Tim
Pawlenty
Honor, integrity, etc, etc, etc. It doesn't matter which way
you slice it, Republicans are hypocrites when it comes to
matters of personal responsibility and playing by the rules.
Take Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, for example, who was
busted
last week for his business connections to a telephone company
"accused of cheating customers in seven states,"
according to the Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune.
And, incidentally, "got $4,500 a month for providing
business and legal advice to telecom entrepreneur Elam Baer,
a longtime friend," while he was running for governor.
Unfortunately "Pawlenty offered only vague recollections
of what he did for the money and has not produced evidence
of hours worked." Oh
dear. But Pawlenty has plenty of great excuses, as is par
for the course among conservatives who don't want to take
responsibility for their actions. Apparently "he should
have asked more questions as a director of a telecommunication
firm," and anyway, "he was not aware of the complaints
against subsidiary companies, over which he did not have direct
supervision." See? Not his problem!
The
National Museum of Naval Aviation
The folks at the museum at the National Museum of Naval Aviation
were practically pooping their pants with glee when the S-3B
Viking used in Our Great Leader's Great Top Gun Propaganda
Landing (see Idiots 108) arrived
last week. According to the Associated Press, the Viking
"will join a flimsy yellow biplane that Bush's father,
former President George H.W. Bush, flew while training as
a naval aviator during World War II." So visitors to
the museum will soon be able to gag in disgust at airplanes
used by two of our worst ever presidents. I wonder
if in years to come, parents will bring their children to
see Bush's Viking. "See this plane, son? This is the
plane that George W. Bush used when he told the world that
it was 'Mission Accomplished' in Iraq. And we all know how
that turned out, don't we? Now let that be a lesson
to you."
 So-Called
"Support The Troops" Protesters
And finally: back before the invasion of Iraq began, the anti-war
movement held various huge peace protests around the globe.
In response, the pro-war movement gathered their forces and
held counter-protests. But these were not "pro-war"
rallies, oh no. Nothing so crude. These were "support
the troops" rallies, which just by pure coincidence
happened to be pro-war. And if you weren't faithfully attending
"support the troops" rallies, well then hell, you
obviously didn't support the troops. Except anti-war protesters
have always supported the troops - by trying to ensure
that they aren't needlessly sent to die in, say, some trumped-up
imperial war for oil. But anyway, it appears that ever since
soldiers of the 3rd Infantry Division appeared on TV last
week calling for Rumsfeld's resignation, the so-called "support
the troops" folks have been showing their true colors.
I personally heard radio talk-show host Lars
Larson (filling in for Laura Ingraham last week) say that
these soldiers were giving "aid and comfort to the enemy"
(way to support the troops, Lars - call them traitors) and
suggest that the soldiers' complaints that they didn't know
their mission were unfounded. See, Lars said that from where
he was sitting the mission looked perfectly clear. Freepers
are also rushing into this new "criticize the troops"
role, suggesting
that the troops they used to admire now need to "shut
up," stop "whining," and perhaps any soldier
whose morale has hit rock bottom should be sent home "with
a pacifier in his mouth and a thermometer up his @ss."
So this is how you're supposed to support the troops!
I get it! See you next week...
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