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The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 101)
March
3, 2003
Radioactive Rumsfeld Edition
 Greetings!
We're back to normal after our Top 100 Conservative Idiots
Special last week, and the conservatives have been literally
lining up to get on the list this week. Top of the chart is
fresh face Donald Rumsfeld, who's been getting a bit close
to some activities that he probably shouldn't have been. Elsewhere,
Neal Rowland (2) hates the French, Dearborn School Officials
(3) hate T-shirts and George F. Will (4) um, hates the French.
Meanwhile Michael Powell (8) is helping out those poor, unfortunate
mega-corporations, John Ashcroft (9) is too busy busting potheads
to worry about national security, and George W. Bush (10)
is making stuff up about himself again. Enjoy, and don't forget
the key!
 Donald
Rumsfeld
My my, Donald Rumsfeld has a lot of sticky fingers in a lot
of sticky pies. The current Secretary of Defense is already
famous for some of his previous
work, like when he was buddies with Saddam Hussein back
in the 80s and Reagan and Bush Sr. sold Iraq arms and turned
a blind eye to their stockpiles of chemical weapons. And now
it has been revealed
that Donald is not just chums with one member of the
Axis of Evil, but with two! That's right - when technology
giant ABB won a deal to supply North Korea with two nuclear
power plants in 2000, guess who was on the Board of Directors?
You guessed right - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld!
It's okay though, a Pentagon spokesperson recently told Newsweek
that Rumsfeld "does not recall" what when on. Well,
that's alright then. Ironically, Donald was on record
recently calling North Korea a "terrorist state."
Probably shouldn't have sold them nuclear reactors then, eh?
 Neal
Rowland
When does patriotism cross the line into pure, unbridled insanity?
Right now!
Neal Rowland, the owner of Cubbie's diner in Beaufort, North
Carolina, is such a xenophobic moron - sorry, I mean, great
American patriot - that he has renamed his french fries "freedom
fries." Get it? He doesn't like the French! But that's
okay, now his patrons can clog their arteries and pile on
the pounds with a large helping of pure, fresh freedom. Oh
baby, I've got freedom in my veins! There it goes, squeezing
past the cholesterol. Next week: Neal doesn't like cooking
his fries in "Greece" and decides that Cubbie's
should only serves freedom fries made with 100% liberation
oil. He also raises the price of a Turkey sandwich to $25
billion. Would you like a side of love-it-or-leave-it coleslaw
with that?
 Dearborn
School Officials
And the bandwagon to curtail dissenting opinions and freedom
of speech rolls on... In Dearborn, Michigan, a student was
recently ordered by school officials to remove his T-shirt
or go home. The T-shirt's slogan - "International Terrorist,"
with a picture of George W. Bush - was obviously a bit too
un-American for the officials to handle. Oddly though, their
official reason for having the student remove the shirt was
that "they worried it would inflame passions at the school
where a majority of students are Arab-American," according
to CNN. Um, inflame how exactly? Like, some dude turns up
wearing a T-shirt and the next thing you know there's a horde
of Arab students looting the school and burning the Stars
and Stripes and effigies of Our Great Leader? I had no idea
T-shirts could be so influential. Since they obviously are
though, couldn't the school officals have countered the problem
by simply all showing up wearing T-shirts that say "Be Nice
To Each Other?" Makes sense to me! By the way, if you're looking
to get your hands on an "International Terrorist" T-shirt,
look
no further.
 George
F. Will
Speaking of xenophobic morons, there are more than a few right-wingnuts
dropping a load on the topic of France right now. Take George
F. Will for example, who wrote in a recent Newsweek
column, "How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows, it's never been tried." Guffaw. Fortunately
Molly Ivins was able to set
the record straight: "One million, four hundred thousand
French soldiers were killed during World War I. As a result,
there weren't many Frenchmen left to fight in World War II.
Nevertheless, 100,000 French soldiers lost their lives trying
to stop Hitler... They were out-manned, out-gunned, out-generaled
and, above all, out-tanked. They got slaughtered, but they
stood and they fought." Come on, Molly, that's ridiculous
- everyone knows that the French surrender at the drop of
a hat. Always have, always will. If George Will says so, it
must be true!
 Lana
Oleen
They drink, they drive, they drink and drink and drive, drink
drink drink, drive drive drive... they're Republican lawmakers,
and Lana Oleen is the latest to follow in the footsteps of
Our Great Leader And His Great Example. Lana Oleen is Majority
Leader of the Kansas Senate, and she was pulled over recently
for "driving slowly and not staying in one lane"
according
to the Associated Press. Oleen then promptly failed a sobriety
test and Breathalyzer test. The sad part of the story is that
apparently Oleen's DUI was caused by nothing more than a desire
to emulate her heroes Dick Cheney and George W. Bush, both
champion drink-drivers. It's such a shame to see her patriotism
so cruelly thwarted. Hey - perhaps they should rename drink-driving,
"freedom driving." What do you think?!
 John
Bates and an "Unidentifed Lawmaker"
U.S. Comptroller General David Walker last week denied that
he dropped the GAO's energy policy lawsuit against Dick Cheney
because of Republican threats, but then admitted that... he
was threatened. Walker said
that last year he had received a "thinly-veiled threat"
from an unidentified lawmaker who suggested that if the lawsuit
proceeded, the GAO's budget would be cut. Ah, the GOP. Party
of law and order, honor and integrity. Walker also complained
that U.S. District Judge John Bates had "made up" some facts
in his ruling, which is not surprising since Bates was appointed
by George W. Bush, he donated to $1000 to Bush's election
campaign, and he was one of Ken Starr's deputies during the
Great Republican Cock Hunt. Heck, what's a little making up
of facts among friends?
 Anyone
Boycotting French Products
One final word on the topic of France - it seems there's been
a lot of talk lately about boycotting French products because
of France's clearly ridiculous decision to not blindly stumble
after the US into a pre-emptive war on Iraq. The trend even
hit Washington, with conservatives like Rep. Jim Saxton of
New Jersey suggesting we boycott the Paris Air Show (see Idiots
98) and other lawmakers encouraging
a boycott of French products. And it's not just products -
radio talk show host Steve Gill was encouraging
his dittohead fans to assist him in "bashing a Peugeot
for peace" last week at his "Stand Up For America
Rally." So I have just one question to ask all these
boycotters: why aren't you boycotting Iraqi oil? I mean, we
do still import that, you know. It goes into your
car when you fill up your gas tank. Or what, is France the
real enemy here? Like, if France just got out of the
way then all that sweet Iraqi oil would be ours anyway and
we wouldn't have to boycott it? I think I'm starting
to understand...
 Michael
Powell
Guess those massive media conglomerates just can't catch a
break, which is why they've asked the FCC to step in. Poor,
downtrodden companies like Viacom think that a rule which
prevents any company from controlling television stations
that, together, can reach more than 35 percent of U.S. households,
is just downright mean, unfair, and worse still, anti-capitalist.
Never mind the fact that having about three people (friends
of George W., of course) in charge of the entire country's
media is probably not a good thing. But that's okay because
here
comes the FCC to the rescue, ever-ready to defend the
right of the giant corporation against that miniscule dragon
known as "the public interest." Step forward Michael
"Yes, I Am The Son Of Colin" Powell to declare that
if the commission can't justify a media ownership restriction,
"the rule will go away." And since the only arguments against
getting rid of the rule will be piddling things like the people's
right to fair and balanced news, then soon we'll all be watching
Rupert Murdoch 24/7. Marvellous.
John
Ashcroft
Nice to see that John Ashcroft is once again getting his priorities
in order when it comes to fighting the war on terrorism. Last
week the Crisco Kid decided
that it would be a good idea to use federal resources to bust
up a bunch of drug paraphernalia websites across the country.
"Operation Pipe Dreams," (sounds like you've been
on the crack pipe Johnny!) resulted in the arrest of 55 bong-producers
nationwide, thus slightly reducing the ability of the nation
to get high. Just out of interest, I wonder how many tons
of Afghan heroin (or Anthrax for that matter) arrived in the
US while the DEA were busy busting Deadheads for pot?
One note of interest from the ABC report: "People selling
drug paraphernalia are in essence no different than drug dealers,"
said John Brown, acting DEA chief. "They are as much a part
of drug trafficking as silencers are a part of criminal homicide."
Is he talking about silencers that go on guns? If so, is he
suggesting that guns are responsible in part for criminal
homicide? Better not let Ashcroft hear you say that, Mr. Brown.
 George
W. Bush
And finally, Dubya sneaks into last place this week with a
fabulous leap of the imagination. During a speech last week,
he cited a new Blue Chip survey which predicts 3.3% growth
in GDP for 2003. He went on to explain that his insane tax
cut plan "makes sense when analyzed by the economists
behind the Blue Chip forecasts." Oh dear. According
to the Associated Press, "Blue Chip's editor, Randell
Moore, says it's his impression that most of the 53 economists
who contribute their forecasts to the newsletter 'thought
some package would be passed.' But that doesn't mean they
were counting on any particular stimulus measures - and they
certainly didn't endorse the President's plan... In the most
recent Blue Chip report, the Bush package isn't even mentioned."
Still, it's more fodder for the right-wing shouting heads,
isn't it? Whether it's the truth or not makes little
difference. See you next week!
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a Conservative for Next Week's List
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