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The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 100)
February 24, 2003
The Top 100 Conservative Idiots Special

Well we finally made it - welcome to the 100th Top Ten Conservative Idiots! This week we've decided to do a look back at the Top 100 Conservative Idiots since the site began two years ago. They're ranked in order by number of appearance (although for entries with the same number of appearances there is no particular order). We've highlighted some of the entries, and we've also added some fun Top Ten facts for your entertainment. Some of the external links have unfortunately died (sorry, not our fault) but that shouldn't make much difference. There is no key this week, just read and enjoy. And feel free to take a look back through the archive to find out why some of these folks made it onto the list so many times!

1. George W. Bush ...appearances on list: 105
There's never a dull moment when Dubya's around. In 100 editions of the Top Ten Conservative Idiots, Our Great Leader has managed a staggering 105 appearances. Impressive!

From Idiots 71: No doubt by now you have heard George W. Bush's "trifecta" joke. He's been going around telling people that he promised during the campaign that he would balance the federal budget, unless there was a war, recession, or national emergency. Then the punch line: "Lucky me, I hit the trifecta." (I guess the joke is funny if you're entertained by the idea of Muslim extremists crashing planes into the World Trade Center.) Anyway, some reporters got smart and asked when Bush actually made this promise on the campaign. The answer: never. But someone else did: Al Gore. "Barring an economic reversal, a national emergency, or a foreign crisis, we should balance the budget this year, next year, and every year," Gore said on various occasions. Kinda makes you wonder what the world would be like if we actually had a real president.

Dick Cheney ...appearances on list: 29
Trent Lott ...appearances on list: 27
John Ashcroft ...appearances on list: 22
Jeb Bush ...appearances on list: 20
Ari Fleischer ...appearances on list: 18
Katherine Harris ...appearances on list: 17

Katherine Harris doesn't actually wear makeup. Her bizarre appearance is the result of a one-in-a-million kitchen accident.
The Bush Administration ...appearances on list: 17
Tom DeLay ...appearances on list: 15
Rush Limbaugh ...appearances on list: 14
Ann Coulter ...appearances on list: 12

12. Bill O'Reilly ...appearances on list: 10
Bill O'Reilly. Who could forget the Fox News "independent thinker's" interview with Jeremy Glick, the son of a World Trade Center victim, which ended with O'Reilly yelling at Glick to "shut up, just shut up?" Not us!

From Idiots 47: Bill O'Reilly likes to tell his viewers that his television program is a "no-spin zone." It seems that he could also be calling it a "frequent-lapses-into-outright-lying zone." Last week, CNN's Bill Press exposed this egotistical blowhard for the lying fraud that he is. Press writes that after he appeared on "The O'Reilly Factor," O'Reilly was trumpeting what a fair guy he was because he let Bill Press, a liberal, on his show, but "you wouldn't see me on CNN." It seems that O'Lie-ly would have us believe that liberal CNN is afraid to have him as a guest. If only it were true. Says Press: "Last Spring, during a debate on the Don Imus show, my co-host Tucker Carlson invited O'Reilly to be a guest on CNN's 'The Spin Room.' He agreed. Then he ducked multiple requests and never showed." Caution: You are about to enter a no-spine zone.

Bill Simon ...appearances on list: 8
...appearances on list: 8
House Republicans
...appearances on list: 8
Pat Robertson
...appearances on list: 8
Bob Barr
...appearances on list: 7

Bob Barr has a 250-foot-tall nude statue of Ronald Reagan in his back yard. The statue portrays Reagan as a young man enthusiastically milking a goat.
Dick Armey ...appearances on list: 7
Fox News
...appearances on list: 7
Michael Bloomberg
...appearances on list: 7
Rudy Giuliani
...appearances on list: 7
The White House
...appearances on list: 7
Christie Todd Whitman
...appearances on list: 6

24. CNN ...appearances on list: 6
Why go to Fox News when you can get all the conservative hypocrisy and Bush brown-nosing you need from CNN? Scrambling for viewers, the once-proud network has finally opted for the billy-bob contingent.

From Idiots 50: A comedy blunder of epic proportions gets CNN on the list this week. After stealing Paula Zahn away from Fox News, one would assume that CNN would go to great lengths to play up the journalistic skills and professionalism of their new employee. After all, Paula Zahn is a respected newswoman with years of experience. Which is why CNN were forced to yank a promo for Zahn's morning show which went as follows: "Where can you find a morning news anchor who's provocative, super-smart, oh yeah, and just a little sexy?" This delightful advertisement for quality journalism was accompanied by what appeared to many to be the sound of a zipper being unzipped (although CNN claimed it was the sound of a needle scratching across a record.) The promo ran about ten times over the weekend before embarrassed execs had it pulled. What next? Are we going to see more of these? "Wolf Blitzer: intelligent, well-informed, and ladies, he's got a beard you can really hang on to." Or maybe, "Robert Novak: he's brusque, he's bold, he'll take you roughly from behind." Or perhaps they'll just go with the simple but effective, "Daryn Kagan: PHWOOAR!!".

Donald Rumsfeld ...appearances on list: 6
Karl Rove
...appearances on list: 6
Paul O'Neill
...appearances on list: 6
Phil Gramm
...appearances on list: 6

Phil Gramm used to review movies for Democratic Underground. But he wasn't very good, so we fired him.
Saudi Arabia ...appearances on list: 6
The Pentagon
...appearances on list: 6
Dan Burton
...appearances on list: 5
Gale Norton
...appearances on list: 5
Harvey Pitt
...appearances on list: 5

34. Jerry Falwell ...appearances on list: 5
Jerry's always good for a laugh - that is, when he's not spreading dangerous bigotry and preaching hypocritical religious fundamentalism. A first-class conservative idiot, there will always be a place on the list for the "Reverend" Falwell.

From Idiots 86: The nutty reverend is at it again, continuing his post-9/11 Christian Crusade of Bigotry against Arabs, homosexuals, liberals, and other threats to decent society. This week's Falwellian boogeyman: The Prophet Muhammed. On the CBS newsmagazine "Sixty Minutes," he said that "Muhammed was a terrorist." Having no doubt immersed himself in the study of Islam, Jerry explained that Muhammed was "a man of war," which makes him a terrorist. Hmmm. I'm guessing that Reverend Falwell doesn't have a similar opinion of a certain other "man of war" currently sitting in the White House.

The Media ...appearances on list: 5
The Secret Service
...appearances on list: 5
Condoleezza Rice
...appearances on list: 4
David Jaye
...appearances on list: 4

David Jaye is just one of several conservatives who have made it onto the list for beating their significant others.
J.C. Watts ...appearances on list: 4
Jesse Helms
...appearances on list: 4
Jim Gilmore
...appearances on list: 4
Matt Drudge
...appearances on list: 4
Robert Novak
...appearances on list: 4

44. Roy Moore ...appearances on list: 5
Chief Justice Roy Moore is our favorite conservative judicial nutjob, and his quest to keep a gargantuan Ten Commandments monolith in his courtroom is the stuff of Top Ten legend. So we were sorry when we heard the news that he'd been forced to get rid of the thing. Poor fellow.

From Idiots 92: Poor Justice Roy Moore. No stranger to the Top Ten Conservative Idiots (see Idiots passim) the ultra-conservative judicial nutjob last week lost the battle to keep his 5,300-pound granite Ten Commandments monument in Alabama's judicial building. U.S. District Judge Myron Thompson said that Moore's monument violates the constitution's ban on government promotion of religion, and he was given thirty days to remove it. Immediately following the decision, a disappointed Moore left the courtroom and announced that since he now didn't have a big stone to tell him not to, he would spend the next couple of days coveting his neighbor's ass.

The Wall Street Journal ...appearances on list: 4
Tommy Thompson
...appearances on list: 4
...appearances on list: 3
Arnold Schwarzenegger
...appearances on list: 3

Groping Austrian beefcake Arnold Schwarzenegger can never run for president - not because he was born in a foreign country, but because he cannot read.
Bret Schundler ...appearances on list: 3
Dan Quayle
...appearances on list: 3
Dr. Laura
...appearances on list: 3

52. George H. W. Bush ...appearances on list: 3
Like son, like father... and while George Bush Sr.'s appearances haven't been as prolific as his son's, he has still made a very valuable and worthwhile contribution to the realm of conservative idiocy.

From Idiots 38: Did you know that the President's dad works for the bin Laden family business? It's true - The New York Times reported back in March that ex-President Bush was touring Saudi Arabia on behalf of the Carlyle Group, using his political contacts to further his business interests. Interestingly, according to Judicial Watch, the bin Laden family has a substantial investment in the Carlyle Group, and have met with George Bush Sr. on several occasions. The tough part for Poppy is that the bin Laden family are currently under investigation following the September 11 attacks - the FBI recently subpoenaed their bank records to find out whether they're funding Osama or not. So considering this obviously massive conflict of interest, will Poppy resign from his position at Carlyle? Don't bet on it. Since when does international terrorism get in the way of making a fat profit?

George Pataki ...appearances on list: 3
Lying Wingnuts
...appearances on list: 3
Mitt Romney
...appearances on list: 3
Oliver North
...appearances on list: 3

Contrary to popular belief, Oliver North has never committed a crime in his entire life, not even jaywalking.
The Associated Press ...appearances on list: 3
Thomas White
...appearances on list: 3
Tom Feeney
...appearances on list: 3
...appearances on list: 2
Allen Trovillion
...appearances on list: 2
Antonin Scalia
...appearances on list: 2

Did you know? Not only does Antonin Scalia have six fingers on each hand, he also has three testicles.
Arlen Specter ...appearances on list: 2
Arthur Andersen LLP
...appearances on list: 2
Bernard Ebbers
...appearances on list: 2
Charles Pickering
...appearances on list: 2
Chris Matthews
...appearances on list: 2
Colin Powell
...appearances on list: 2
Dennis Hastert
...appearances on list: 2
Dick Posthumus
...appearances on list: 2
Doug Forrester
...appearances on list: 2

72. ...appearances on list: 2
Ah, the venerable Free Republic. Home to God-fearing, gun-toting, furriner-hating patriots everywhere. Incidentally, for all you conservatives who still think that FR doesn't ban liberals, try going over there and posting "Bill Clinton was the greatest president ever." Go on, it'll be fun!

From Idiots 90: Get your laughing gear ready because this one's a hoot! In protest of the massive anti-war demonstrations in Washington DC on October 26, the Washington DC chapter of Free Republic decided to hold an anti-anti-war rally. And while an estimated 200,000 people marched around the White House, about 14 people showed up to listen to the insane rantings of a few toothless inbreds. The Freepers spent the afternoon pontificating on such fascinating topics as, um, Why Iraq Is A Communist Country (?) and, er, Why Guns Are Great (??) and, uh, Those Marxists Killed My Grandfather! (???). And let's not forget their rallying cry: "Stay away from the left wing! They have a tendency to be violent!" But the best part was that the whole thing was broadcast and rebroadcast on CSPAN, which gave the entire country an opportunity to see how ridiculous they looked. And in case you missed it, this photo is for you:

Grover Norquist ...appearances on list: 2
J. D. Hayworth
...appearances on list: 2
John Fund
...appearances on list: 2
Judge N. Sanders Sauls
...appearances on list: 2
Ken Lay
...appearances on list: 2
Ken Starr
...appearances on list: 2

Ken Lay is heir to the Frito-Lay fortune, and Ken Starr is a distant relation of Ringo. Both are named after the "Ken" doll.
Laura Bush ...appearances on list: 2
Linda Chavez
...appearances on list: 2
Linda Tripp
...appearances on list: 2
Lynne Cheney
...appearances on list: 2

83. Michael Skupkin ...appearances on list: 2
He didn't win Survivor, and he didn't win a senate seat in Michigan. Cheer up Michael, there's always Celebrity Mole 2...

From Idiots 23: We learned last week that the Michigan GOP is so desperate to defeat U.S. Senator Carl Levin that they're considering running ex-gameshow contestant and celebrity pig-murderer Michel Skupkin as their candidate in 2002. For those of you who missed "Survivor 2," Skupkin is the man who became nationally famous for catching and slaughtering a "wild" boar with his bare hands, before painting his face with its blood. Still, Skupkin almost managed to win "Survivor 2" with a fabulous combination of lying, plotting, backstabbing and sabotage - so he should fit in nicely with the Republican Party.

Mike Huckabee ...appearances on list: 2
...appearances on list: 2
Newt Gingrich
...appearances on list: 2
Philip Giordano
...appearances on list: 2
Robert Ray
...appearances on list: 2
Roger Ailes
...appearances on list: 2
S. Vance Wilkins, Jr.
...appearances on list:
Sean Hannity
...appearances on list: 2

Before becoming a radio and television star, Sean Hannity was a pig farmer, an office equipment repairman, and a losing contestant on "Blind Date."
Spence Abraham ...appearances on list: 2
Ted Olson
...appearances on list: 2
The Environmental Protection Agency
...appearances on list: 2
The Salvation Army
...appearances on list: 2
The Washington Times
...appearances on list: 2
USA Today
...appearances on list: 2
The U.S. Supreme Court
...appearances on list: 2
The State of Virginia
...appearances on list: 2

100. Utah Republicans ...appearances on list: 2
And finally, you can't beat a Utah Republican - it's conservatism the way God intended. From homophobia to gun-control paranoia to the fear that blue-helmeted UN troops may descend upon your town at any second, Utah Republicans have it all.

From Idiots 34: YEEHAW! Cue dueling banjos! After reluctantly allowing Dick Cheney to temporarily pry the guns from their, um, warm, still alive fingers (see Idiots 32), the Utah State GOP was back in fine form last week, passing an "American Sovereignty Resolution" against UN mandates at their state conference. It seems that Utah Republicans are becoming increasingly worried about the UN creating "world wide taxes," and a "global army" (which would, undoubtedly, sneak into their homes while they're sleeping and take their guns away.) So anyway, this new resolution ought to put a stop to THAT. Hear that UN? Don' t mess with the Utah GOP, or they'll truss you like a turkey and roger you senseless. Goldangit.

The Top Ten will resume normal service next week. See you then!

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