The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 30)
August
7 , 2001
Missing In Action Edition
It's been quite a week for newcomers to the list, but the
old guard are certainly maintaining a presence. Meet the newbies:
Karan Kumar (1), idiot extrordinaire, who got himself into
a spot of trouble with the NYPD last week, Robert Hanssen
(2), right-wing super-spy and traitorous money-grubber, and
Charlie Norwood (4), whose fifteen minute rendevous with Dubya
really got his juices flowing. Further down the list
we find the names that refuse to go away. George W. Bush (7)
is trying to break the world record for presidential indolence,
and Katherine Harris (8) follows closely in the footsteps
of Trent Lott, achieving the coveted Idiot Hat-trick. Peering
up from the bottom of the barrel are Walter Isaacson (9),
who is attempting to make CNN stand for "Conservatism,
Not News," and Scott McInnis (10) winner of this week's
"Biggest Waste of Time" award. Enjoy - and as always,
don't forget the key.
Karan
Kumar
NEW! Weeks
on chart: 1
- Q. What's the difference between the Lindbergh baby and
Karan Kumar? A. One was famously kidnapped, the other's a
conservative idiot. The New York Times reported
last week that Kumar, a prominent Republican from Nassau County,
NY, had come up with a rather unorthodox solution to a problem
which had been troubling him - namely, articles appearing
in local magazines accusing him of being involved in criminal
activity. So what did Mr. Kumar do? Arrange to meet with the
authors to discuss the problem face to face? Call in the libel
lawyers? Um, not quite. Kumar decided that the best and most
sensible course of action to take would be to, obviously,
fake his own kidnapping in the hope that his enemies would
be investigated. This plan was clearly a work of art, but
it sadly backfired after Kumar was "released" and discovered
by police in a local park. You see, there were one or two
minor flaws in the plan. For example, Kumar couldn't describe
any of his kidnappers. Nor could he explain why they let him
go. It was not immediately obvious why he was wearing different
clothes to the ones he was kidnapped in. And then of course
there was the cab driver who told police that he'd given Mr.
Kumar a ride from Queens to the park in which he was found.
Karan Kumar was questioned by the police and admitted to the
deception, revealing that he'd been staying in a motel in
Queens watching TV coverage of his disappearance for two days.
He now faces up to two years in jail on two misdemeanor charges
of making a "punishable false written statement." Daryl Strawberry
was not available for comment.
Robert
Hanssen
NEW! Weeks
on chart: 1
- Conservatives will no doubt be proud to learn that Robert
"my turn-ons are porn and high treason" Hanssen is on their
side. It has been recently revealed that not only was Hanssen
a member of the notoriously conservative Catholic group Opus
Dei, he was also a key player during Ronald Reagan's administration
- gathering information on left-leaning groups for any signs
of possible Communist infiltration. According to the New
York Observer, "As later Congressional investigations
would show, what this often meant in practice was the harassment
and sometimes the smearing of Americans engaged in lawful
political activity. Among the many groups under surveillance
by the F.B.I. in those days were the Gray Panthers, nuclear-freeze
advocates associated with SANE - and the left-leaning Catholic
adversaries of Opus Dei who opposed the American-backed repression
in Central America." Hanssen also provided information to
Robert Novak which Novak used to attack Janet Reno (and what
a trustworthy source, eh Bob?) How ironic that a man passing
secrets to the Communists should also be a full on right-wingnut
whack-job. Conservatives should be able to forgive Robert
Hanssen though - after all, he wasn't driven by any kind of
left-wing ideology. On the contrary, he was just doing what
comes naturally to conservatives - shafting America to fill
his own pockets.
Republicans
on the Senate Rules Committee
NEW! Weeks
on chart: 1 - Considering the cloud of illegitimacy
and outright fraud hanging over their President, one would
think that Republicans - more than anyone - would want to
clean up our election system to minimize the possibility that
we have another disputed election. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's
a good one! Phew! [Pausing for a moment to catch
breath.] Okay, as I was saying. Last week all nine
Republicans on the Senate Rules Committee boycotted the committee
meeting where they considered a bill to upgrade our nation's
election system. Apparently, the major sticking point was
an outrageous provision requiring that states meet
minimum standards to ensure that voters would have their ballots
counted. Never mind that committee rules allowed the Republicans
to offer their own version of the bill to, ahem, fix
the offending provision. But they didn't feel like playing
by the rules. Apparently they decided that boycotting the
committee vote was their only option, once they realized they
couldn't steal this vote, too.
Charlie
Norwood
NEW! Weeks
on chart: 1
- For years, Rep. Charles Norwood has been one of the few
conservatives in Congress willing to stand up and fight for
a real Patients' Bill of Rights. Until last week, his gutsy
stand had stymied efforts by Bush and other GOP leaders to
pass their sham HMO reform package. Sadly, this conservative
tough guy turned out to be just another unprincipled coward
with a spine of pure jelly. The hopes and dreams of Americans
terrorized by their HMOs were dashed under the pressure of
a blistering Bush charm offensive that lasted a whopping
15 minutes. I guess chunky redneck dentist congressmen
from Georgia have a particular weakness for backslapping and
nicknaming. Said a star-struck Norwood: "I don't make any
secret about it - I love the man." Pathetic.
Roy
Moore
NEW! Weeks
on chart: 1
- Here we go again. Last week, the Chief Justice of the Alabama
Supreme Court, Roy Moore, unveiled a new 5,800-pound granite
monument to the Ten Commandments in the rotunda of the state
Supreme Court. No doubt this was unrelated to a possible upcoming
gubernatorial run. He claimed to be fulfilling a campaign
pledge to "restore the moral foundation of law." Moral foundation
of law, eh? Apparently Justice Moore missed this insignificant
little moral foundation of law that his Constitutional
Law professor may have touched on back in law school: "Thou
shalt not use the power of the state to foist your religion
on people who do not share your beliefs."
Jeff
Sessions
NEW! Weeks
on chart: 1
- Roy Moore wasn't the only Alabama politician to cynically
employ The Almighty for political gain last week. Jeff Sessions,
the state's Junior U.S. Senator, engaged in two of the all-time
favorite conservative pastimes - trying to paint Democrats
as anti-religious bigots, and making up an issue where none
exists. Apparently Sessions is angry with Judiciary Committee
Chairman Patrick Leahy for leaving out the words "so help
me God" when swearing in people who testify before the committee.
As if on cue, the Traditional Values Coalition released a
statement praising Sessions for exposing "an undercurrent
of anti-God bigotry" in the Senate. For his part, a mystified
Senator Leahy responded that he was just reading from a card.
Not so fast, there, you godless heathen. Presumably this means
the individual testifying is not bound by the Old-Testament
prohibition against bearing false witness, and is therefore
free to spew bald-face lies to the committee.
George
W. Bush
Last week: 4 Weeks
on chart: 22
- "Holiday,
it would be so nice, if we took a holiday�" Or so sang
Madonna back in 1983. But it seems that George W. Bush may
be following Madonna's advice a little too literally. Last
week marked the start of Dubya's latest much-needed vacation
break in a lo-o-o-o-ong line of much-needed vacation breaks.
If you include this trip to Crawford, George W. Bush has spent
almost two
months vacationing since inauguration day - and that's
not even adding in the time he's spent at Camp David (14 weekends
and counting so far). Bush's advisers have nauseatingly attempted
to spin this as a "Home to the Heartland Tour" on which, apparently,
he will be "working." Hmmm. Perhaps President Lazy-Ass would
like to explain to real working Americans why they
only get an average of 13 vacation days a year, but it's okay
for him to hang around his "ranch" for months, communing with
cows and playing Nintendo instead of doing his job.
Oh yeah, and dressing like a member of the Village People.
Katherine
Harris
Last
week: 5 Weeks on chart: 8
- In the fickle world of the GOP, one minute you're
hot - the next you're not. Poor old Katherine Harris is about
to discover what happens to faithful right-wing lackeys who've
served their purpose (does the name "Linda Tripp" ring any
bells, Katherine?) Yes, Republican legislators in Florida
are now actively investigating the former GOP belle of the
ball for spending inordinate sums of taxpayers' money on herself.
According to the St. Petersburg Times, "During her
first 22 months in office, Harris amassed more than $106,000
in travel bills, more than any Cabinet officer and the governor.
She visited eight countries on 10 foreign trips, staying at
luxury hotels at taxpayer expense." Believe it or not, Florida's
budget for "international relations" (read: free vacations)
has risen from $783,000 in 1999 to $3.4 million in 2001. Is
it possible that Katherine Harris is taking these overseas
trips to learn all about how democracy works in other countries?
Could be. And trips to North Korea, Cuba, and Afghanistan
don't come cheap you know.
Walter
Isaacson
NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - Recently
installed as the new head of CNN, Walter Isaacson is dealing
head-on with the important issue of media bias. How? By meeting
with congressional Republicans of course! Somehow Isaacson found
time to meet with just about every GOP leader - Hastert, Lott,
Watts, Portman, Hagel - but he didn't bother to meet a single
Dem. When questioned about the partisan nature of the visit,
Isaacson insisted "I definitely did not say, 'How do we attract
the conservative viewer?'" Oh really? A top GOP aide told
Roll Call that Isaacson said "Give us some guidance on how to
attract conservatives," adding that he "wanted to change the
culture" at CNN. In a completely unrelated story, CNN has unveiled
a new 24-hour Condit Cam™ that beams the congressman's
every move directly into your living room in real time, 24 hours
a day, seven days a week.
Scott
McInnis
NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1
- And finally, Rep. McInnis obviously has way
too much time on his hands. Taking a shamelessly attention-seeking
leap aboard the Gary Condit bandwagon last week, he announced
that the most important item on his forthcoming agenda is
seeking a new ethics rule barring congressmen from boinking
interns. What a sensible and productive use of his time. I
expect a new ethics rule will really put a stop to all the
furtive shagging taking place on Capitol Hill. But there are
some lingering questions� for example, does this rule apply
to all interns? Or just interns who work for you? How
about if a congressman is secretly dating an intern who works
at, say, the National Zoo? Does that count? Maybe it's okay
to have an affair if the lady in question is a paid
member of staff? Would that be better? Or worse? I'm really
confused. Instead of focusing his rule on interns, perhaps
McInnis should just have it say, "Members of Congress caught
gallivanting around with women who aren't their wives will
be given a strict talking-to, mark my words." That should
put a stop to all the clandestine congressional groping! (Editor's
note: Democratic Underground would like to predict that, based
upon the tried and tested law of "what goes around comes around,"
McInnis will be caught with his pants down within the year.)
See you next week!
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