How to Evict Your Adult Child

[SoDesuKa]

Maybe it's a sign of the times that more adults are living with their parents, but in case you need instructions how to give your own child the boot, there's a website with specific instructions.

"There comes a time when you need to tell your adult child to leave your home. For some this comes easy, for others the adult child may put up a battle. When this happens, one step to take is to evict him from your home. An eviction notice is a legal document given to the tenant to leave the premises within a certain time frame. The notice is typically served on the individual by a law enforcement officer . . . "

http://www.ehow.com/how_7190739_evict-adult-child.html#ixzz1RDRq5Ue2

One likely consequence of such an eviction is that you will not get a Christmas card from your son or daughter this year. Maybe you won't get one next year either.



Huey, it's time. You're 34 years old!

[pnwmom]

1. "There comes a time when you need to tell your adult child to leave your home."

Who says? In my experience, it's the adult kids who WANT to leave.

In other parts of the world, adult children live with their parents until marriage. I don't know why we make such a fetish of 18 year olds leaving the nest. Anyone who presents their adult children with eviction papers shouldn't be surprised if that child feels no need to support the parent, either emotionally or financially, during the parent's old age.

I've always told my kids they can stay as long as they want. Naturally, that means they can't wait to get out on their own. The oldest never looked back from the first day she went off to college.

[WCGreen]

2. That old reverse psychology works everytime....

[pnwmom]

5. I really did mean it. And my married child is welcome back anytime

if life events make it necessary -- she can even bring her husband along.

But yes, I think knowing they're welcome here does make it easier to try their wings.

My father had the opposite approach. He often told us how he was through supporting us the day we graduated from college. I made sure I had a job and an apartment as soon as I got out. While all my friends were going through senior week, I was moving my stuff into an apartment in a new city. But I didn't have nearly the sense of anticipation and joy that my daughter had going out on her own. I was just resigned to the necessity.

[Skittles]

8. um

your parents supported you through college? COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS. I was enlisted when I turned 18.

[Tunkamerica]

16. I supported myself through college with help from a small amount of money

(for classes) my granddad left me but situations obviously vary from family to family. At 18 you have very little say in whether or not you're helped out by your parents. I would wager if you had the opportunity you'd have taken support just as most people would.

[Skittles]

19. uh, no

I could not wait to leave, and left as soon as I could

[trumad]

38. Joined the Army on my 18th Birthday

Like you---I couldn't wait to bust out of my miserable home life.

Best move I ever made.

[pnwmom]

71. By "support" I meant that we were allowed to live at home

as long as we had summer jobs. And college was cheap enough to earn a big proportion of the costs over the summer. You're right, though, he did help pay and he didn't kick us out at 18 and make us join the military.

[sudopod]

78. 18? HA! When I was 13, right,

I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah.

[Sen. Walter Sobchak]

14. My parents insisted on me staying until I had a mortgage downpayment

When I started university I moved out but after a semester decided the 405 was much preferable to the lowlife roommates I was assigned and returned home. Upon graduation I was going to get a $900/month apartment in a shit neighborhood near my first job. My father was the one to lay down the law and tell me to stay put until I could afford a mortgage. It seemed a pathetic existence at the time but was the best financial decision of my life.

Although I have always had an excellent relationship with my parents and no real underlying tension or values clash would have necessitated it.

[Jkid]

40. "I don't know why we make such a fetish of 18 year olds leaving the nest."

Because Rugged Individualism

[comtec]

62. there was a time you actually COULD make a life for yourself at 18

now... not so much.
I'm 36 and dependent on my parents for housing because I can't find a job.
there is simply nothing out there for me.
i've given up trying to get burger flipping jobs because every one tells me im over qualified
I have a hard time even getting interviews for proper IT jobs because im not god in the server room (only his avatar)

It's a fucked up market, and its not getting better.

[pnwmom]

72. Good luck on finding something, comtec.

My hope for my kids is that if they're in your position eventually, the answer might be to go to community college and get re-trained in a field that does have job openings. Is that a possibility for you?

[comtec]

76. High level IT to what?

the CCs around here are rather expensive, about $100 per unit
I miss that part of California for sure, affordable CC.

At what point is it unreasonable to say "just get re-trained"?

I worked in server rooms, and high-level internet connections. I actually know HOW to internet operates... so why can't I find a job?

What should I retrain in?

What field is ACTUALLY LOOKING for people?

If you can honestly answer that, I'll consider it.

[Odin2005]

51. It's a symptom of the the debased hyper-individualism of our society.

A lot of people think that adult children that live with their parents are all "lazy moochers".

[TwilightGardener]

53. I agree. My husband and I have told our sons that they are welcome to stay

as long as they're either in college, or at least employed and trying to get a career started.

[malaise]

56. My parents reminded all of us that it was their house but our home

As we got older they told us that adults ran their own lives and every one of us wanted to prove we were adults. All of us left for college/university as teenagers and not one returned. We visited them all the time and they visited us but we were thrilled to leave and run our own lives.

[seabeyond]

75. that is how i see it and talk to my boys. i loved leaving the house and being independent

i want the same for them.

not cause i dont love them. but it is because i want them to have a blast, and that is so much easier NOT living with mom and dad.

[alarimer]

77. I think I'd rather die than live with my parents again.

For one think it is an admission of failure. For another, they are assholes. Adult kids who live with their parents (who do not otherwise need their help) are losers, especially if they have no job or freeload.

[sudopod]

79. Well, I'm glad you've got everything figured out Willy.

That'd make a fine bumper sticker.

[Maru Kitteh]

3. We have 3 generations, all adults, under one roof. It benefits us all.

It allows us to pool our resources and reduce our footprint. It's common in most of the world. I don't get why this is a "thing" in this culture.

[pnwmom]

6. Me, neither. I think children, especially , are better off with

close extended families, even if you're not actually living under one roof. But if you are, so much the better. My grandfather lived with us for a while after my grandmother died and I loved having him there.

[customerserviceguy]

37. Some people just can't get along harmoniously

I left my folks' home at 18, and only moved back for a three-week period when I was 49. Being regimented into their schedule, and being pressured to apply for a shit job (when I knew that I had a 'live one' the first business day after the move-in) while waiting for a manager to make up his mind was tough.

Some folks are better off being the 'boss' of their own household. The article at the head of this thread isn't for people whose kids will do whatever it takes to get or regain their independence, it's for those parents who want extended adolescence to come to an end.

[EFerrari]

9. I've always thought it's marketing.

Get those kids out there and consuming as soon as possible.

Multi-generational households are making a huge come back right now. We've always had them in our family.

[SoDesuKa]

11. A Different Economy

When I graduated from college, nobody moved back with their parents. It simply wasn't done. Or at least it was so rare that nobody ever spoke of it.

Today . . . it's a different economy. You can't stay in Boulder or Berkeley, it's too expensive. So young people don't have a choice.



These are different times . . .

[EFerrari]

12. The norm that we grew up with is unsustainable.

Or rather, it was always unsustainable and now it has simply collapsed. When I was at school, the credit card companies had tables set up at the student union and we all signed up even though wages were flat and they've stayed flat since I started working.

[Tunkamerica]

17. I worked at Subway and the owner had a deal with Credit Card Companies to give a free

6-inch for every completed credit card application.

[Raine]

10. I don't get it either, my parents let me stay as long

as I wanted. I returned the favor by taking care of my father after my mother's death until he was gone too.

[Dappleganger]

22. That sounds great...how long have done this?

[zeemike]

39. That is the way it used to be in the USA as well

When most people lived on farms...the basic pattern was like The Walton's, where the three generations lived in the same house and worked the farm togather...and there are definite advantages to such a system.

[ChazII]

59. Agree 100%.

My family is a 3 generation family under 1 roof. This situation is helpful as I was able to take care of my mom until her death, and until last year took care of my dad. My son learned how to care for his grandparents while he was in high school and holding a part time job. My parents in turn took care of him while he was elementary school. I worked as an elementary school teacher until May of this year.

As another poster said, this thread is how to get 'rid' of the adult child so I apologize to the original poster for derailing this thread. However as Maru Kitteh said, our culture has bot a 'thing' for multi-generational families living under the same roof - imho.

[Vanje]

but when you've had a stroke, broken your hip,......

.....or are unable to remember where you live because of Alzheimers,.......remember your "family values".
What goes, comes.

[Suich]

7. Don't know what's going on with you, Vanje,

but...:hug:

[Vanje]

4. dupe

[CreekDog]

13. from your post downthread looks like you disagree with the OP

but i don't think economic necessity is the only thing that makes it okay for offspring to stay with their parents.

there are lots of reasons to do so and the best ones are that it's the choice of the people living in that arrangement.

just because our culture had a period of time when the upper middle classes had children that moved out promptly at 18, never to return, does not mean that was the right decision.

it just means that they did it.

[SoDesuKa]

15. What's the Opposite of 'Empty Next Syndrome'?

A friend's 20 year old daughter had been living with her boyfriend until the couple broke up. So she moved back in with the mother, along with the baby and the daughter's new boyfriend. The daughter doesn't see herself as a guest in her mother's home; in fact she regards her mother's apartment as her home. They don't pay rent. Living with the mother is their entitlement, y'see.

When does it stop? She doesn't want to share an apartment with a couple and a baby. She doesn't know what to do, and I have no idea what to tell her.

[EFerrari]

18. Your friend needs to figure out what she needs

to be comfortable in her own home. If she truly doesn't want to share it with a couple and a baby, she needs to tell them that and set a deadline for them to make other arrangements. If there is a negotiation they could make to continue living there, she needs to tell them what that is -- rent, housekeeping, whatever it is that she needs.

[Dappleganger]

23. They need to behave as adults...

and contribute both money and help w/chores. And I'd be reluctant to allow a boyfriend/girlfriend to move in unless they were parent to my grandchild or some other special circumstances. That doesn't mean never, just very reluctant--it's different when it's not your child.

Edited to add: we've had non-related 17-21 yr. old young adults living here for various reasons, I know what goes on and what are the challenges. That age really does need parental support of some kind. Many of them will end up either homeless or in a bad relationship just to have a place to stay. Charging rent based on income and expecting some chores (especially cleaning up after themselves) is NOT unreasonable.

[ejpoeta]

24. well there is a difference between multigenerational living and leeching off someone else.

that seems to be what happens in most cases. kids just live at home and don't want to have to contribute. they act like kids again. part of that fault lies at the parent's feet. set ground rules before that kid sets foot in that house. if you want to come back that's fine but here are the rules. you will pay rent. you will clean up. my sister's daughter is going to be moving home with her kid in november while waiting for her husband to finish his service in the army (not sure why that is but whatever) and you can bet that's what is going to happen.... the leeching and acting like a teenager again. the fighting. it won't work without respect.

Now, there was no going home for me. I left home when I was 16 and moved in with my sister. My dad lost his house and moved in with his girlfriend. I couldn't have lived with him. I loved my dad. And we ended up being able to repair our relationship, but living under the same roof was not an option. I could accept that. We all have our boundaries.

As to your friend... The only thing she can do is to tell her daughter she needs to find her own place if she doesn't want them to stay. You have this amount of time. If she doesn't want to be that bold, just make her pay rent. Make her chip in. If she is that entitled that may be enough to make the kid not want to stay all on her own. Make her pay half the friggin rent too. She has every right to expect it too. There are no free rides in this world. And if it isn't about the money she could put the money away and save it for the kid's college fund.

[safeinOhio]

25. Cut off the phone and cable.

She'll be out in a week.

[Demeter]

28. Good point!

Goes along with the empty fridge.

[safeinOhio]

32. After spending thousands on lawyers and court stuff

that's what did it for a friend of mine. Only it worked in a week, not months.

[ejpoeta]

36. well, if you could live in a fully stocked hotel for free would you leave?

best way to get kids to not want to stay would be to make them pay rent and to stop feeding them free food, doing their laundry, catering to them. i am not saying YOU are doing this. i am saying some parents do this stuff and then wonder why their kids take advantage. Some people are like that. I would hope my kids wouldn't be like that, but can't be sure until that time comes. I think I will set ground rules too though. I have seen it too many times not too with other people. Kids wouldn't dream of treating others like that go home and treat their parents like crap. Wonder if I would have done that. I wasn't the greatest kid. I know I certainly wouldn't do that now. But then I am much older. I am not a kid anymore.

[Odin2005]

54. LOL, my mom says she likes when I stay at her place because she can baby me!

I'm like "MOM, I'm 25, you need to learn to let go!" :rofl:

[shanti]

61. oh, i heard that!

some kids won't leave unless you make it so miserable for them that they do. my sons are all out (now), but the two youngest (21, 29) have lived with me off and on over the last 10 years. my youngest and i do NOT get along. fortunately for him, he has friends that he can stay with. the older son has been unemployed for a long time and scrapes by on financial aid at JC. he's almost tapped out there and has been discussing moving to another state for work. it hurts me that i'm unable to provide much help to them anymore, but it's just me and i'm on a fixed income, in a tiny house, and the stress was killing me, so they had to go. we still have a (tenuous) relationship however.

they're hardly the only adult kids living with parents. i worked with several women whose sons lived with them into their 30's. one woman was especially pitiful, as her son sat at home playing video games all day and was very abusive to her, yet she couldn't get him to leave. her spineless husband didn't help either. :(

sis also has 4 sons, but none of them lived with her after they were 18 as she kicked them out. the boys had lots of addiction and anger issues and she has 6 granddaughters by them but no relationship with any of them anymore.

my parents didn't have to kick me out. on the day i turned 18 i very ceremoniously packed my things and moved in with my boyfriend. they never said it, but i know they wanted me out and i wanted to go too.

[Violet_Crumble]

30. Yr friend either should have said no to moving back home, or charged rent...

Sounds very much like she's enabling the behaviour. Tell her to grow a spine and charge them rent...

btw, I'm one of the many who've posted in this thread who has no problems at all with having my child live at home until she's ready to go. No way would I tell her to go just because she's an adult....

[Demeter]

20. Hire Kate Hudson!

Or just charge rent.

Fill the fridge with oatmeal and prunes. Borrow a wheel chair. Host bridge parties.

Stop being a doormat, in other words. If that's your wish. Live as if the interloper weren't part of the plan.

With one child disabled, and the other struggling, I am grateful to be helpful. In our family, parenthood is a life-long situation.

[ejpoeta]

26. that wasn't kate hudson. that was sarah jessica parker

[Demeter]

27. I don't LIKE Sarah Jessica Parker

I really think Kate Hudson would do a much better job...even if she didn't end up a daughter-in-law....

[ejpoeta]

31. kate hudson was in the other movie though. how to lose a guy in 10 days.

that was a funny movie. so was failure to launch. but sarah jessica parker is kinda flaky. her roomate was hilarious though.

[Dappleganger]

21. Times are different...

if the family is basically getting along, what is the rush? If you need to hire an attorney or go through the law in order to get someone to leave the house permanently, you need family counseling.

Things are so expensive these days with flat wages and little to no benefits. I want our kids to have the benefit of staying here as long as they continue to try and better themselves and contribute as an adult. We have the space inside as well as in our driveway, thank goodness.

[ejpoeta]

29. there is a difference. if a kid isn't contributing to the house but just living at home

not paying rent, not doing any house work, being a bum that is a different situation. If they are going to school, working, helping out around the house, acting like a responsible adult then it's fine. If they are acting like a kid that is not fine. When my kids grow up I am not going to be pushing them out of the house. I do expect them to go to school, have a job, and be productive. I expect them to have goals and to go for it. I want them to feel free to try. They say they want to be singers or movie stars I say sure. You will have to try really hard because there are lots of people who want to be singers and movie stars. But you sure can try.

I'd rather the kids stay here and save their money than to be in debt up to their eye balls. We are in debt. If we can mitigate that then we will do our best. Give them the best head start we can.

[Dappleganger]

33. Stipulations are important...

we do know some "kids" who aren't really contributing anything or going to school and are just playing WoW most of the day. That won't fly around here.

We aren't in debt but our income has been significantly reduced over the past couple of years after dh was out of work for awhile, so they know that living off our "riches" is a pipe dream, lol. The older ones pay for their own phone, whatever the difference in car insurance, their own clothes/shoes, etc.

You're right, it's important to give them the best head start we can.

[FLPanhandle]

34. When my youngest graduates from college, I'm retiring and living on a sailboat

My daughters are more than welcome to join my wife & I, but I don't think they'll be interested.

[NNN0LHI]

35. I have seen how some parents did it in my neighborhood

They put their house up for sale and then after the kid(s) moved out they took the for sale sign down.

Don

[JVS]

41. Christmas card? Get ready to be sent to the bad home that was on the news.

[KurtNYC]

42. there is a line the Stephen King movie "Christine"

"your parents don't want you to grow up because then they have to face growing old"

and I think there is some version of that idea in this. Some need to be needed and may subconsciously be prompting the broken wing act from their adult children.

[CBGLuthier]

44. King also wrote Sometimes They Come Back

Which relates to my youngest currently returned to the nest child. :-)

[Lucky Luciano]

43. I don't think there exists many women (in Manhattan anyway) that would

...remotely consider dating a guy living with his parents. That should be motivation enough to grow up and move out.

[pipi_k]

45. One couple I know just moved out and let the kids have the house...

:7

[hunter]

48. That's how it worked in our family.

My parents took off for the wilderness and my youngest brother was the last one left in the house trying to collect enough rent to pay the mortgage from all his friends who'd been kicked out of their own family homes when they graduated from high school.

For awhile the place was like a crowded college dorm with my brother and his wife doing the job of residential assistants, crisis counselors, property managers, homeless shelter volunteers, and campus police.

I have so many siblings, and my parents have so many crazy friends, the house really wasn't all that different from when we were kids. Two of my siblings left home when they were 16 to escape the noise and madness.

After a few years of this my brother and his wife were almost begging my parents to sell the place.

[Odin2005]

55. LOL!

[Dappleganger]

68. LOL, one of our neighbors growing up did that...

they gave the house to their oldest son while his brother was still there (had just graduated high school). They had it all through college and the oldest one is still there to this day, along with his partner. His folks come and visit from FL every now and then and just stay with them.

[Peacetrain]

46. My son left for college when he was 18 and never moved back home.

Even in the summer he got a job in the city he was going to college in, and would sublet and apt for the summer and back into the dorm for his sophomore year. He moved out on his own his junior year.

I cried myself sick that first week of summer, when all my friends kids came home for the summer, but my son was only home for a week.

But looking back 6 years later.. he was ready to be independent.. benefited from it.. and Mom (me) finally pulled it together and stopped bawling like he had left for kindergarten

The whole point to that story is, that after they are 18 you have windows when they are ready to fly the coop and sometimes it is a good idea to step back and let them fly or they may lose confidence.

When you move out you do not have all the goodies that are at Mom and Dads.. cable TV etc.

[demgurl]

47. Back home people always live with their parents.

I know of a bunch of old friends who still live with their parents at home just because that is the way it was done. It was nothing for three generations of people to live at home and it was not looked down upon either. I think it is a good system of support.

[vanbean]

49. I would never do that. Never.

[Lex]

52. Not even if they were running up your bills and not working

to offset that?

[vanbean]

64. My kids would never do that.

[Occulus]

65. They would if they couldn't find work

That's not the point. The point here is that this generation of "children", for the first time, has things decidedly worse than their parents do, and parents who give their kids the boot because they literally cannot find the work they trained for anywhere at all, or are "overqualified" for lesser positions (we need to make "overqualification" illegal in hiring at the federal level, by the way), or don't get called back, ever, are exhibiting an "I've got mine, kid, screw you if you can't get yours" mentality that will, if there is any justice in the world, come back to bite them in the ass in their extreme old age.

Parents need to be good to their adult children or their waning years will rightly be very cruel.

[Odin2005]

50. Most folks of my generation that are still at home do so because the economy sucks.

This article perpetuates the notion that all adult children that still live at home are losers who are mooching off parents to afraid to kick them out.

[KamaAina]

57. Cut off his access to Frei Republik

:P

[lumberjack_jeff]

58. An adult child who participates in household life is always welcome here.

What I won't tolerate is being exploited. This isn't simply a place to keep stuff, and a fridge to raid when you get home at 01:00 and get up at 11:00.

[Liberal_in_LA]

60. I know of one situation where the parents moved to another state without telling daughter new addres

Daughter was in her 30s. Had never worked. Just hung out at bars and gave birth to kid after kid by different men. So daughter and 4 kids were living with parents their entire lives. Parents picked up and moved away, no forwarding address. Daughter ended up in welfare situation, homeless shelter.

[ejpoeta]

74. parents have to bear some responsibility for kids that end up this way. not sure this specific

situation, or the OP per se, but in general, kids just don't grow up to be leeches on their own. parents tend to raise their kids to treat them that way and then get mad when they as adults treat them that way. They are adults, yes.... but as a parent, if I don't make my kid be responsible for her actions and realize that there are consequences and that she has to be respectful and contribute, how can I expect her to do those things or start bitching when she doesn't do those things? I have three kids.... and I have to raise them to be contributing members of society. Granted, this is something I am not going to know the outcome of until they are grown up, but if I let them sit around playing video games all day and don't expect them to do anything to help out, then how can I expect them to respect me or this house or the fact that they need to be a part of it or contribute at their age of 12 or 5 or even almost 2.

You need to start this crap when they are young... not expect them to pick it up on their own. And when they are adults, if you let them walk all over you, they will.... but if you raise them to respect you, then chances are they will most likely not want to do that. Or if they try, they would at least feel bad about it. I've had people who were not my family even come and stay at my house and disrespect me and leave a big mess. Let their kids make big messes and leave me to care for them. I will only tolerate so much of that kind of thing from anyone. And if it were my own kid, you could bet I'd straighten that out right quick. Because in my own home, I expect to be treated with a certain amount of respect. And anyone who does not treat me with that respect does not have to be in my home. Period.

[Deep13]

63. Well if he or she is not a drug addict or is destructive, why would you?

Basically, this is a set of instruction on how to make sure you never hear from your adult child ever again.

[On the Road]

66. I Moved Out at 17

when I went to college, and only moved back with my parents for one summer.

I have to say, if I had stayed at home and commuted to college, I probably would have been a complete wreck. The psychology of living at home is so completely different from being on your own that I think it's difficult to really grow up and become an adult at home.

[Renew Deal]

67. Nothing says family like calling the cops on your kids.

:crazy:

[radman.ACiD]

69. Excellent.

I take all my advice from the internet, especially ehow.com. Thanks op.

[SoDesuKa]

81. Welcome to DU

Much of American family life is undocumented, and we have no idea of how other families get along once the children are grown. However, I know that some parents never hear from their adult children unless the kids want money.

Got an ungrateful kid still living with you? You have to acknowledge a dysfunctional relationship before you can do anything about it.



We're moving to Vail . . . and there's no room for you.

[WatsonT]

70. Step 1) build a time machine

Step 2) tell past you not to be such a lousy parent.

Step 3) disappear as you have eliminated your need to build a time-machine, thus causing a timeline paradox.

If that doesn't work, or you aren't up to date on your physics just start having loud sex and leaving the door open.

[Philippine expat]

73. My children were allowed to stay as long as they wanted

and are allowed back. However they are all aware "My house, my rules".
Only violation of certain rules got you evicted
The oldest (almost 40) joined the Army at 18, since his discharge he has moved back in 4 times.
The youngest (35) went away to college then moved back in and stayed 10 years and was worried to tell us he was leaving (thought we would be
upset)

[AmandaMae]

80. I'm almost 20 and will be moving out this fall;

My parents will be glad to see me out on my own, but that's because they want me to be independent and live my own life, not because I am a burden they are eager to be rid of. I do my best to contribute around the house, have been attending community college for the last year, etc. My dad was thrown out of the house by his abusive father when he was only 18 or 19, leaving him with nowhere to go, and he would never do the same to me. I can understand if older children aren't even trying to make a life for themselves, that some parents might be forced to resort to these kinds of measures, but there are many circumstances that might lead someone to have to live at home for a while longer than usual, or move back in temporarily, and this doesn't seem like the best answer to deal with that.

[roomfullofmirrors]

82. Hopefully they have some skills some prospects, and a bit of a plan prior to landing in the street.

unfortunately, far too often, they're lucky to have a high school diploma and clean urine.

[LoZoccolo]

83. This is actually a really good deal for the evicted child.

From that point on, they have an excuse not to take care of the parent when they get old.