My friend recently lost a child to suicide.

[redwitch]

She is in so much pain. It is really hard to know what to say to her but I try to do my best. I cannot imagine how I would handle such a loss.

[spanone]

1. just lost my baby sister the same way....there is nothing to say.

[redwitch]

2. I am so sorry!

And I am at a loss for words once again. Life is just so impossibly hard sometimes.

[seabeyond]

7. it is so hard. i am sorry

my mom did suicide over a decade ago. i think often if only.... a little time had passed, maybe it would not have happened.

[redwitch]

11. I am sorry seabeyond.

I still struggle with the loss of my mom to cancer 6 years ago. Suicide adds a whole new dimension to the pain of loss.

[malaise]

8. How sad

My little sister committed slow suicide for years - she was a hypochondriac and the doctors complied - eventually the side effects of all those drugs kicked in in both cancer and addiction. It was not a surprise when we discovered she was dying in 2005 - but we still discuss all the signs we missed at reunions.

:grouphug:

[progressoid]

17. ..

:hug:

[knowbody0]

3. there are no words of consolation

just being there, showing her your compassion, that's what friends can do.

be well

[monmouth]

4. There really are no words. One day at a time and lots of time is

the only path to healing from a hurt that never, ever leaves you.

[JuniperLea]

5. I lost my step-brother the same way, 30+ years ago...

With every holiday, every birthday, I wonder what he'd look like... who he would have married... if he would have kids... there will always be an empty place. His mother will never be the same, and there's nothing anyone can say to change that. Losing a child is horrible on it's own, but survivors of suicide tend to blame themselves... this I know. Intellectually I know I couldn't have stopped it, but in my heart, I feel guilty. It was sudden... a result of his having accidentally hurt someone else and feeling so terrible about it... so there were no signs or anything.

Just be there for her; that's all you can do. There's nothing you can say to take that pain away. Be her friend.

:hug:

[seabeyond]

6. nothing one can say, but let her talk and talk and talk, if she wants, or... hold her hand. nt

[redwitch]

9. She's across the country from me but we talk.

She called very late last night and I reassured her as best I could. She feels terrible guilt when she is guilty of nothing. No one saw this coming. She is a really good mom and a really loving friend. I wish I could take her pain away.

[seabeyond]

12. well,

a child is different. but

what i experienced and was able to say to myself, i know my mom was in pain and in our 38 yr relationship we had nothing left unsaid. i dont know what the relationship was like for your friend and her daughter, but the biggest blessing in all of this, is i had said everything to my mom, in the course of the years, that i would want her to know. i knew she loved me. she knew i loved her and respected her and appreciated her. that comforted me.

that truly allowed me to accept her choice

again, i say, it is different from a mother doing it and a child doing it. but there is that.

[redwitch]

13. Too many things left unsaid in this case.

I am glad you are comforted that your mom knew how you felt. My mom and I had a horrible relationship for most of my life but in the last couple of years we were able to put the past away and we just loved each other. I am comforted in that.

[handmade34]

10. so sorry

there really are no words.. my partner's sister lost her son 2 years ago and I don't think she will ever heal. Just be there for her, hug her, hold her hand, bring her food, make her tea... losing a child is unimaginable for me and I am so sorry for those that do

[redwitch]

14. She will heal. But she will never be the same.

I think every loss we bear changes us, makes us different in some way. But I know that the pain of losses I have suffered in my life have eased with time. The scars remain. And the empty spaces never quite fill in.

[liberalmuse]

15. Just let her know you understand she is in pain...

and that you care and will be there for her. That's something that she will never completely get over.

[Mr. McD]

16. My wifes oldest son killed himself I guess 16 years ago or so

My wife took it very hard and within 6 months attempted suicide herself. Fortunately she failed but the point is that is not uncommon for the survivors to blame themselves for the actions of their loved ones and try to follow them. It is very important that she understand that it was not her fault. There are many support groups for families of suicide victims. Perhaps you can help her find the help and support she needs.

[Berry Cool]

18. All you can do is be there for her--but that's a lot.

And NOT be like some of the people I know of who told a friend of my mother's, after her son committed suicide, that he was in hell because suicide is a sin. Sheesh. I know someone like you wouldn't do that, but it is amazing the gall some people have.

ed. for clarity

[WCIL]

19. My uncle committed suicide right before Christmas in 2000

my Grandma did the same thing 3 months later. It was incredibly hard for my dad. There were a lot of hurtful comments from people in general - "Why did he/she do it", how "selfish" they had been, and so on.

There really is nothing to say but "I'm so sorry". My dad spent 3 years in a strange mix of anger/sadness/hopelessness, and was just coming out of it when my youngest sister died suddenly at 35. Then it all began anew.

[truedelphi]

20. Condolences to you and to your friend.

Such a difficult world we live in.

[Libertyfirst]

21. Do hold her hand or touch her shoulder. Human touch is so important

when we are in pain. Been there, know that.

[applegrove]

22. vibes.

[Cherchez la Femme]

23. I'm so sorry

was the child gay (gay pre/teens have an incredibly high rate of suicide, waay higher than suicide due to depression & because of having been bullied combined is why I ask -- but she may not even know because there is such a stigma against how WRONG it is that many times it's never admitted :()
Apologies if you think this question is out of line...

However, when the parents of suicides are asked if
(took many psych courses, read many studies & volunteered)
they would rather their child never been born so they would have avoided this pain

--put in a much better way than that--

the answer is invariably No; so at least they had those years and joys with their progeny no matter how horrid it feels postmortem. As a friend you can talk to her about remembering the good times and how special the child was -- that may help in the future.


Argh, I'm struggling for words here, can't seem to express it in the way I want

I hope I've made my meaning clear.

P.S. John Adams son Charles committed a slow suicide & died by age 30, alcoholic, deeply unhappy and estranged from his father. It is almost sure that he was gay... that's what happened back in the day when one is denied and taught as vile & sinful their natural-born desires :cry:




edit for typos -- just ONCE I'd like to have a post go through without having to edit the damm thing!!

[redwitch]

25. He was bipolar.

And wouldn't stay on meds.

[Odin2005]

24. OMG!

:(

[Mnemosyne]

26. An excellent book which has helped me deal with numerous suicides

I've had to deal with, from my husband in 1985, a Grandfather in 1986, to dear friends in 1975 & 1993 and has helped me so much -

"Silent Grief:Living in the Wake of Suicide"

"Silent Grief" is a book for and about "suicide survivors" - those who have been left behind by the suicide of a friend or loved one. Author Christopher Lukas is a suicide survivor himself - several members of his family have taken their own lives - and the book draws on his own experiences, as well as those of numerous other suicide survivors. These personal testimonies are combined with the professional expertise of Henry M. Seiden, a psychologist and psychoanalytic psychotherapist. The authors present information on common experiences of bereavement, grief reactions and various ways of coping. Their message is that it is important to share one's experience of "survival" with others and they encourage survivors to overcome the perceived stigma or shame associated with suicide and to seek support from self-help groups, psychotherapy, family therapy, Internet support forums or simply a friend or family member who will listen. "Silent Grief" gives valuable insights into living in the wake of suicide and provides useful strategies and support for those affected by a suicide, as well as professionals in the field of psychology, social work, and medicine.


My heart goes out to your friend. The guilt is overwhelming when a loved one kills themselves. This book has helped me understand so much.

I have a sister with schizophrenia. She has seriously attempted suicide 6 times since 2003. She won't survive another attempt, amazing that she has survived any of her attempts, they were massive od's.

I am so afraid today as it is the one year anniversary of Mom's death and she attempted it again within a month of Mom's death last year.

I hope your friend can find some peace, it is hard. :hug:

[redwitch]

27. You have had more than your share and I am sorry.

Thank you for the book info.

[Mnemosyne]

28. It has helped me tremendously. Hope it can help ease some of your friend's pain, in time.

Because only time and patience with ourselves will truly help the most.

:hug: to your friend...

[redwitch]

29. Thank you to all who have posted here.

:grouphug: