So a guy comes to my door yesterday and knocks

[Mari333]

and he asks me if I can give him money.

Now, mind you, I live in a small small town. I dont know this guy, but this is the second time he has come to my door and asked for money.

He had once come back during the snowstorm in December and asked if he could shovel the walk.

I said okay, and paid him 20 dollars at the time to shovel the walk and the driveway. Seemed like a nice man, in his 40s, and thats what people do in small towns.

But that was once.


Then, in January, he comes over and knocks again and asks me if I would lend him money. I dont know this guy. He said his daughter needed medicine. I never met his daughter. I said no. I was nice, and polite, but I have a limited income.


I thought that would take care of it. But he comes by again, yesterday, with his kid in the car , and asks again. Now, he needs free money for his daughter's birthday, he said. He kept saying "Im not a bad guy, I just need some money".

I said no, Im sorry, I cant.

I am a nice person, I get into trouble being too empathatic, but what would you do?

I dont want to start a bad habit with him or myself. I had to say no, but again I was very nice about it.

just wondering what any of you think about this.

[ProfessorGAC]

1. Don't Blame You, Mari

The sidewalk thing seemed cool. But, to just come back and ask for money is wrong on his part. I think you did the right thing, because you don't want this to get to be a habit.

Besides, it is your money, and it's not like you have an unlimited supply.
GAC

[Mari333]

2. thanks. I needed feedback.

I have a tendency to bail people out and it took a long time to learn its not my job to save everyone.
I thank you for the response, I have been feeling kind of bad about it for some reason. I wish I COULD save the world. but, I cannot.

[Yurovsky]

18. You CAN'T feel bad about this...

the old saying "you give a mouse a cookie, he's gonna want a glass of milk" applies here.

If he'd made a habit of coming to help you out for money (shovel the walk, rake leaves, trim the hedges, wash your car, etc), that'd be one thing. But just coming for $ with a different excuse every time? Sorry, as someone with multiple addicts in his family, I'm way too familiar with this behavior. And the perpetrator preys on your good nature to make YOU feel like the bad guy (err, gal).

I feel your pain. Just know that you're doing the right thing and hope that this person can get help.

[Bitwit1234]

12. Maybe the buy does need money and after the sidewalk thing

he thinks you were a soft touch. Medicine..yes there is a need. But birthday. I'd tell him not to come back.

[Raven]

3. Well, his returning is troublesome. Do you live alone? Do you know

your local police chief? I might pay a visit to the police dept. and, very low key, describe what has been happening. This may be a local guy who they know, perfectly harmless. May not be. You should try and find out without getting him into trouble. Maybe folks don't realize he's hurting and there may be help for him through the local churches... I would not ignore this and I would not feel quilty about trying to find out more and stop the visits.

[redwitch]

5. Absolutely Raven!

This is a potentially dangerous situation. Be safe Mari!

[freeplessinseattle]

67. Yes-I'm a softy too, but some wrong people can sense that

and take advantage of that positive quality. Pay attention to your spidey senses. I'm generous with the street and grocery beggars, but coming to your door is kind of creepy.

Plus now he knows, or figures, there's not a man around, at least maybe not one strong enough to shovel the walk, so who knows, maybe that was a crafty test, plus a way to get some cash, too. As another poster said though, it'd be one thing if he offered to do some yard work or wash your car, or handed out flyers to others, too.

Just don't let him in if he asks to use the bathroom or something. A girl just a couple blocks away from me let a magazine salesman into her apt., and next thing she knew she woke up in her bathtub with bruises all over her throat. True story. They did catch the guy, later though, at least.

Maybe if he comes again, just give him some food, and say that you are sorry but you aren't feeling well, and honestly aren't comfortable with drop-by visitors-or he interrupted your krav magra practice:)

[Mari333]

6. yes I am alone

I might just do that. thanks. I dont want to get him in trouble, but I have a friend at social services here, and I do know the guys name (he told me)...thats a great idea.

I know its tough out there. I just cant be the national bank on a limited income.

[Raven]

8. Listen, you will be doing this man a favor. I work in a town and I

know how good people handle these things. Don't feel quilty about this. It's a dead end for this guy to be going door to door. If he's on the up and up, he needs help. If not, you need to act. Good luck!

[old mark]

25. I agree. I would also second the idea of talking to the police about this.

they can see that this guy gets some help and possibly keep you safe from retaliation.

There are some very delusional and dangerous people on the streets...not all of them are in government.

Be safe.

mark

[redwitch]

4. It is a little scary that he is coming to your door.

He sounds desperate. He needs to connect with your county's social services people and he needs to stop coming to your house.
I think he needs to be told gently but firmly to stop.

[Chemisse]

7. There is a good chance that he wanted the money for drugs

I know. My son is an addict. Desperation for drugs makes you cross many social lines. Going up and knocking on a door for money is definitely crossing the line.

So I would have a talk with your local police chief, as someone else suggested. He or she will be able to advise you and perhaps intercede for you.

[Mari333]

9. you guys help a lot..just called the local police and they said

'next time he comes, if he does, call us. we will talk to him'.

((((hugging you))). I know what you are going through with son.

so I feel a little more protected now. and yet, I hope the best for the man.

[mascarax]

22. You did the right thing

As others have said, if he's legit, then he needs to get help - but elsewhere. Not door to door.

Please don't let him in (even if he shows up to help with something inside).

Yes, you/we want to help others. But you need to take care of you.

[hisownpetard]

50. You're a good person and your instinct is to help, but you did the right thing.

Good advice above (to contact authorities in a low-key way
and let them talk to the man).

He needs to understand that he's not allowed to come to your house anymore!

Keep us posted, ok?

[Chemisse]

65. Thanks for the hug

And I'm really glad you spoke with the police about it.

You have a kind heart.

[datasuspect]

61. that's absolutely what it is

the guy is either a crackhead, a tweaker, or a hype.

there is no sick kid, there is no broke car, no nothing. only an insatiable hunger for drugs.

the best way to determine this is the earnestness with which they make their pleas. they use everything in themselves to try to get complete strangers to trust them in the odd hope they can get a few bucks.

kick em down the block, be hard with them, call the law.

if they notice anything of value behind you in your house when you open your door to them, they'll probably come back to steal that too.

[woodsprite]

10. Yes, Please be careful!

We've had people in our area who have started out as good samaritans and have ended up getting their bank accounts emptied - whether through downright criminal means or coercion.

I have an older friend who would do anything to help someone in need, and people in need just seem to gravitate to her. When people start asking her for money, she hooks them up with the appropriate group or a minister of one of the local churches. I would imagine all denominations are similar, but our Presby church has a benevolence fund and discretionary funds. Small amounts, but they are able to help get someone a motel room for a few nights if needed, or pay for meds, AND hook them up with the right services to get them more help. I'm sure they wouldn't pay for birthday gifts for someone.

I like the idea of checking with the local police. They would also know if there were 'scammers' and what the latest ones were. I saw someone the other day packing up from begging at a heavily trafficked intersection. It was amazing that he didn't need his crutches when he ran across the street to his car. He threw his crutches and sign in the back and drove off.



*edited because it's too early and I can't spell.

[HysteryDiagnosis]

11. A lot of people are perfectly harmless until they aren't. You did

this person a good deed... there are several hundred million of us he can ask... not cool to focus on one person to prop you up.. let alone a total stranger. You did good, now stay safe.

[undeterred]

13. I think you have to go with your gut.

[Tutankhamun]

14. It's really wrong to knock on people's doors and ask for money.

That would intmidate A LOT of people, many of whom would pay him out of fear. This guy is very bad news. Don't pay his extortion fee. Don't even smile. Make him realize he needs to cross your house off his list.

[Vinca]

15. It's hard turning someone down, but there are people who make a living at this.

There's a woman of about 35 who works the grocery store parking lot with a sign saying she needs money for food. She makes the mistake of buying her booze and cigarettes at the same store after she collects enough cash from good hearted people. Maybe you should compile a list of social services to keep by the door if he stops again. Tell him you're not in such great yourself and wish him the best.

[maryf]

16. Please warn the guy you are calling the police...

Have a heart to heart short talk. He really may just be that desperate for his kid...but he'll likely not come back if you give him that warning...as that's what you plan to do...

[ixion]

17. I think you did the right thing

If he did work for you, that's one thing. But to show up at your door and ask for money for nothing, that's an attempt to take advantage of your kindness, in my opinion.

I'm the same as you in that I try to help people whenever I can -- often at my own personal risk or inconvenience -- because I think that's what we need to do here. However, over the years I've learned to draw the line when I realize that someone is taking advantage of my willingness to help. At that point, I'm forced to cut off assistance.

In general, if he came over with a toolbox ready to fix this-or-that, that's one thing. Showing up and asking for money is rude, at best.

Just my two cents. :)

[Mari333]

19. thanks everyone. if he shows up again I will just tell him I have let the police know

that should take care of it. I always believe in being kind, but firm, in every situation like this. I dont have to be angry at anyone .

I know its hard out there. I dont live in a house that says anything but "Some old lady in a little house lives here."

I wonder if this is an old lady thing..you get to a certain age and people think you are fair game.

I dont think that will work with baby boomer old ladies. we are a bit more savvy than our mothers.

[Dappleganger]

29. No, don't talk to him at all!

Keep the door shut and just call the police again. He could get angry or frustrated and shove your door in if you open it. Seriously.

[Cass]

39. I agree with Dappleganger in the above post. You never know how he will

react if you tell him you have notified the police. He could get angry and lash out at you in any number of ways. Its best if you don't answer the door and call PD to have them send an officer if he shows up again. The police will be able to direct him to the appropriate social service agencies.

[Corgigal]

20. Not only did you do the right thing

and I do hope that is your doggie in your post. If not then you may want to consider a dog, or get another bigger dog. It's a twofer, you add another furry friend and you can't open the door right now and can yell what? what? alot. I know I have 5 dogs, someone knocks on our door it's basically a nut house here. I can't say I mind it really, if I know someone is coming over then I can put my pups up.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

21. Something very much like that happened to me once.

I'd hired a company to clear some construction materials from my yard, and one of the workers came back later and asked if he could mow my lawn. I said no, since I mow my own (it's pretty small). Some months later, after a snow storm, the same guy turned up and offered to shovel the walk for $20. I hired him to do that, and as I recall he came by again the next time it snowed. That was fine. But the third time he came by wanting to do stuff I told him I couldn't really afford to keep hiring him (which was true at that time).

A few weeks later he and a woman came to my door fairly late at night and asked me to drive them somewhere way the hell out in the 'burbs because their car broke down and they had to pick up their kid. I politely said I was sorry, but no, I couldn't do that (the circumstances creeped me out). I felt bad but I didn't know these people and no way was I going to drive somewhere at night with a couple of strangers.

Then, a while after that, the wife showed up (also at night) asking for money for something (cab fare, I think). I don't usually keep much cash around, so I said I couldn't help her.

They came back again several times, always after dark. I think he was watching me because the doorbell would ring within minutes after I got home. I quit answering the door, and finally they stopped coming.

It was really creepy. I didn't know whether they were legitimately needy people who thought I'd help them after I hired the guy the first time, or if they were grifters, or worse.

[Dappleganger]

31. It's scary what people do. My father was a victim of a theft ring...

he hired a guy to do some odd jobs, then the guy would return with buddies who would burglar his home while dad was in the back yard (he's hard of hearing). They even backed up a pickup several times taking stuff out of his barn (motorcycle, tools, computers/electronics, etc.) while Dad was out. They watch him and wait for him to leave, then pull up. Finally one of them got caught after Dad lodged a complaint because he figured out what was going on. He's in court next week to testify along with several other neighbors who were also victims. Turns out that every one of them were repeat offenders, grrrrr.

[pipi_k]

35. Wow...that's VERY creepy!!!

Being so far away from any urban areas, I don't generally worry much about random people coming to my door for any reason, but I don't like being complacent, either, especially after reading what happened to the Zantops a few years ago.

Two students "looking for a ride" on their first (unsuccessful) attempt to murder a man and his family, then students "conducting a survey" when they gained access to the Zantop home and murdered the two people there.

I'm glad we have two very ferocious-sounding (and looking) dogs to do the preliminary scaring away of anyone trying to get in the house...

And we're not gun nuts or anything, but if anyone does end up getting in the door, they'll be met with a .12 gauge shotgun.

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

23. Door to door panhandling?

Wow............... not sure what I'd do. Assuming he's for real, it's got to be uncomfortable for both of you.
You could say, "I gave at the office" :spray:

[proudohioan]

24. I feel for you, Mari333!

I tend to be nice, polite and empathetic to strangers as well, and then I worry about it later, ie; should I have been more aggressive, more of an asshole? On the other hand, I'm always afraid that if I WERE to me more of an asshole, either the situation (man needs money for daughters medicine) would actually be real, and then I would feel like a REAL HEEL, or Karma would come back to bite me.

What can I say? I'm an "over thinker". And I certainly can't blame you for being nice. It's sad that people like that man will take advantage of your empathetic and kind nature.

t.:dilemma: :hi:

[DemocratSinceBirth]

26. This Economy Has Made Peasants Out Of Otherwise Hard Working, Decent, Folks

You aren't a bank.

I am fortunate to have a network of friends and family who have helped me through these difficult times. Ironically, friends have been more forthcoming with help than family.


I hate this flipping econmomy. All my fiancee and I want to do is work and make a living.

[Liquorice]

60. Hard working, decent people don't repeatedly go to a stranger's home and beg for money. nt

[Dappleganger]

27. Remember that you do NOT have to answer your door.

Once you have made your intentions clear to not give him anymore money (which you've done), you don't need to even answer the door. Make sure that every door and window is locked in the house. If he keeps coming back call the non-emergency number for the police department and ask someone to ride out to tell him to stay away.

It's sad to say, but bad people quite often take advantage of good people. Bad people also have kids, too but that doesn't mean you should keep giving them money. His repeated returning is very stalker-ish. A police officer can give the guy a list of services he can use to help get his feet on the ground.

[JerseygirlCT]

28. Daughter's birthday?

You're supposed to provide that?

I think he figured out you're a soft touch, and decided to keep trying. You made the right choice, I think.

[Name removed]

56. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[geckosfeet]

30. You were nicer than I would have been. There are millions of "not a bad guy/gal"

out there who are in need. IMO this is one critical function of the government - social safety net. But the government has fallen on their faces. They take our taxes and give it to the rich instead of the needy.

Go figure.

[ecstatic]

32. You shouldn't open the door for strangers

You were lucky. He could have forced his way in. And now he knows that you live there alone so keep your doors locked and have an alarm system in place.

[pipi_k]

33. Tell the guy since he wants you to support him...

he needs to give you his Social Security number so you can claim him as a dependent on your tax returns...



Seriously, though...the others gave good advice...notify the police and then keep a watchful eye out for anything strange happening around your house just in case he's the retaliatory sort.

Anybody coming to my door looking for money wouldn't get much, I'm afraid. I don't deal with cash anymore...debit and credit cards only. And that's just what I'd tell a panhandler...

[Tim01]

34. This is a very tough call.

Because the truth is that there is a very high percentage of these people who are not just good people who are down on their luck.

If you give them money you are running a pretty high risk of getting them into your life in a way you don't want. But I understand nobody wants to turn away somebody who actually needs the help, either.


I think I would probably handle it exactly the same way as you did. But if he ever ever ever gave me an attitude for not giving him money I would immediately become a dick and threaten to call law enforcement. The idea is to get it into his head that you will call the cops on him over just about anything. Otherwise it can turn into a personal thing. But that is just if he gives you trouble.
Otherwise, I would just keep saying "no". It totally sounds to me like you are on his list now of people to get money from.

[Indepatriot]

36. Call the Police

The guy's trying to guilt or intimidate you into giving him money. You owe him nothing. He had a car fer chrissake! No offense, but in the past I've been without a car for years at a time because I couldn't afford one. If he can afford a car he can scrape together something for his daughter. Tell him to piss off.

[1monster]

37. Check into whatever help is available for people who are in need are available.

Then, if he comes again, have a prepared packet of information to give him and suggest that he use it.

These are hard times for many people. He may be one of them or he may be out for easy pickins.

on edit: I always leave the "s" of the end of words.

[seabeyond]

38. a couple scams in my area. at least five people have run out of gas on this neighborhood street

and at grocery store

has a kid in hospital, the belt on his car is broken. car right up the street. needs 19.95

[freeplessinseattle]

73. guy with a splint thing on his foot would hang out at TJ's

asking for gas money. I saw him at two different Trader Joe's and the food co-op on multiple occasions, and once when he knocked on my door window I was so irritated I told him I had already given him money one of the times his car broke down and glared at him. He took off like scared rabbit, without his limp, and never bothered me again. I was scared for a second though, an angry look flashed across his face for an instant, and he was a big guy so if I was alone in different parking garage I wouldn't have even rolled down the window.

Funny how his car kept breaking down by the same stores, with the bleeding heart customers. Most of whom are regulars so no wonder he wasn't around too long.

[smoogatz]

40. I had this happen a few times when I was living in Charlottesville

and also in Atlanta. I lived in edge neighborhoods in both places, and had guys panhandling at my door once in awhile. I had a guy in C'ville who offered to rake my leaves, but wanted some crazy amount of money up front (like $200, or something)--so naturally I turned him down flat. He was persistent, though--different deal every time--and I finally had to tell him to stop coming around. He did; it may have helped that I'm large-ish and male. I had a guy in Atlanta come by the house three or four times asking for money for food--"I'm trying to do the right thing but can't get a break," was kind f the story. I figured he was an ex-con and/or a crackhead. First time I gave him a few bucks because he really did look kind of famished. Second time I had him wait outside while I made him a sandwich. Never saw him again after that.

[pipi_k]

43. Doesn't say much for your culinary skills, does it?

*snort*

:7

[smoogatz]

46. True dat. n/t

[lonestarnot]

41. Tough when the poor are always put in the position to give the most isn't it.

[lonestarnot]

42. After having a cup of coffee, this is what I may have done.

I would have asked him how old the daughter is going to be, told him to come back later and pick up the box that I would leave for him out in by the light. :) Before coffee, I may have told him to go fuck himself. :)

[TwilightGardener]

44. Don't open the door for him again. Tell him to leave and call the police.

Your gut is telling you something's wrong here--listen to it. For your own safety.

[marshall]

45. You might get info on local church or community run charities

Then the next time this guy comes knocking you can politely refer him to an organization that is set up to help him out.

[tango-tee]

47. Listen to that feeling in your gut.

You have helped this man before, but there seems to be a pattern developing. It is sad that with so many poor folks out there who need help desperately, someone with a good, kind and giving heart can become a target for predators.

If you have that uneasy feeling, pay attention to it. There is a reason you feel this way.

[shireen]

48. thanks for posting your OP, the thread has been interesting

I agree with everyone here ... exercise caution. He's marked you as the compassionate type, and he may be persistent. Don't open the door. Exercise more caution that usual when you come and go, keep doors and windows secured, etc.. Don't take any chances. I'm not trying to scare you, just want you to stay safe.

It's hard to turn down requests for help. I don't think I've ever had someone show up asking for money since I live in an apartment complex. But a few times, when i'm at the grocery store parking lot or leaving a fast food place, people have approached me asking for money. It's been hard to say 'no' but if i have any cash, i try to give them a few bucks. In the past couple of years, I've been storing $5 bills in my car to give to panhandlers at stop lights or outside stores because my heart goes out to them. One time, a panhandler i had interacted with a few times before gave me a hug -- i was so touched by it, he's such a sweet guy. I wish i could do more to help him lead a better life, but I'm barely able to keep my own head above water!

[AwakeAtLast]

49. Initially you paid him for something he did

What troubles me is that he came back expecting to get money for doing nothing. I agree with the rest of the replies. Do what you can to protect yourself. People get strange ideas in their mind that once they have your confidence they can get anything they want.

:hug: because you are such a sweet person!

[Emit]

51. I think you are wise to keep your distance, Mari333

Perhaps you should make up a list of local resources for this guy if he shows up again. Of course, if you feel threatened by him, though, do not open the door the next time.

Hang in there! :hi:

[bemildred]

52. "No good deed goes unpunished."

You don't owe him anything. But always be polite.

[Dappleganger]

53. IMO this is why it's often wiser to give to good agencies rather than an individual.

They are better equipped to know how to help people in the best way because of their experience and resources. I'm not saying to never give to an individual (and god knows we have done so MANY times), but that in this day and age it's a wiser choice to work with an agency who really knows what they're doing.

[pitohui]

54. you can't ever give money to people who come to your door

as you found it, they make a mental note of it and keep coming back -- wouldn't you?

now, if the man persists in bothering you, you have no choice but to call the cops on him, in my neighborhood, unless he has a license, that's a guaranteed ride to jail

better to have never given him the first $20 in the first place

i never give money from my house, because otherwise i would be absolutely overwhelmed with beggars from everything from neighbor's kids selling crap to go to private school (we have excellent public schools here) to scams where they pretend they're raising money for DARE or they wanna fix my roof (irish travelers, etc) and so on

if you want to help, find a way to help anonymously where you can't be found again

i too have limited income and that's the only way it works for me

in fact, i don't even open my front door if i don't know the person, and if i see them going from door to door, i consider reporting to the sheriff if they look suspicious (kids i don't bother but older single guys -- hmmm, it probably needs reporting)

[Name removed]

55. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Festivito]

57. Refer him to a local church.

If he honestly is in a dire situation, they have an infrastructure to monitor and help.

If you feel further moved, you can use them as a surrogate and give that church some money for the help they give that man. Although, they'd probably handle that on their own and wish you donate for other reasons. THAT is up to you.

It's kind of you, but when it's fishy, get some professionals involved.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

58. Your relating this story to us makes me feel as if you are very very uncomfortable with this person.

Listen as another DUer said, to your gut.

Do you have charities in your area that might assist him? If you do, and if he shows up again, give him a list. If he asks you directly again, I'd let him know politely that you are in no position to help him out. If he shows up again, don't answer the door and call the police.

Here's a big :hug: for your good heart.

[datasuspect]

59. don't feed strays

you gave him $20 once. doesn't matter if he shoveled for it, just coming across with the cash made you a mark to this person.

[mistertrickster]

62. Don't give him anymore money, unless you want to give him money every day. nt

[TK421]

63. He returned with the kid in the car to play on your sympathies....he's a snake

you did the right thing by turning him away...so he shoveled snow, but that doesn't make him honest

[Blue_Tires]

64. who asks a stranger for his daughter's birthday present??

that's not even something you ask money for...

[tom_paine]

66. Something smells fishy here, Mari. Be wary.

The second visit and then the third with his kid in the car stinks REALLY bad in terms of sincerity vs con-job.

If the second visit raised warning bells, the THIRD visit should set red alarms flashing, so to speak. There is something very off/wrong about the whole thing - sounds like a con job/flim-flam to me.

I could be wrong, but the type of requests as well as the nature and now frequency of visits ring alarm bells.

I think you are doing the right thing by being nice, but keep one eye peeled and don't let the situation get out of control, which hopefully it won't.

I would say if he shows up again, ask him politely to stop. If he persists, tell him nicely that if he persists, you're going to call the cops. Then do so, if necessary (don't forget to take down his plate #).

Hopefully, it won't come to that. Hopefully, this guy is not a con-man or worse, a whacko down-on-his-luck Freeper who is "soft touching" the neighborhood lib'rul and may have some serious misplaced anger issues.

That is by far the worst, and not very likely, scenario.

Still, with the sequence of events you describe, some wariness and forward-thinking might be wise. There's a whole lot of crazies out there, and the crushing economy is making everyone much more desperate.

[Quantess]

68. Just tell him you don't have any money to spare.

And don't feel bad about it.

[Skittles]

69. call the police if you see him again

I'm concerned about that child

[lunatica]

70. You know what you need to do

You're a very smart woman and you came to your friends for advice and everyone has said the same thing which you were probably already thinking. Calling the cops won't hurt him if he's a good person and it won't get him in trouble either. They'll just make sure he stops doing what he's doing.

Don't open your door to him again. Tell him through the closed door that you're calling the cops and call them. That will probably be the last you see of him.

[Romulox]

71. It's a con. Call the cops. nt

[tango-tee]

72. I'm usually a soft touch.

I live in a large apartment building. Last weekend, my doorbell rang in the afternoon, which is rare. I decided to ignore it, since I was not expecting company, plus was very tired because of medication I have to take. Well, not only did the doorbell ring a second time, but someone pounded on the door.

That ticked me off. So I opened the door, and there was a young woman with a crumpled up piece of paper, which said that she did not speak our language, was a recent immigrant and in need of money. Had the pounding on the door not pissed me off, I most likely would have given her some money. But being angry, I told her to go away and leave me alone. I stayed close to the door for a few minutes and noticed the bells being rung on each of my neighbors' doors as well. Since I have many elderly neighbors I wanted to make sure that there weren't some other people following the young woman into an apartment in case someone let her in.

During the next couple of days some of the neighbors were chatting on the elevator about this. It seems a whole group of young women "worked" our building that day. A different one on each floor. And this is a building with several floors.

I'm only relating this story to remind all of us to pay attention to our neighbors as well, especially the elderly and helpless.

[Carolina]

74. Some rules for a woman living alone

1. NEVER open your door to strangers seeking work or anything else (that includes students too; think of the Zantops -- a couple! -- at Dartmouth). Instead call out from a window away from the door (e.g. an upstairs one) that you can't come to the door at the moment. You might even imply you are pre-occupied tending to another person in the dwelling.

2. When you do hire someone to work for you, keep some men's items visible outside and in: worn work boots by the porch or near the door... a jacket draped over a chair, shaving items, extra toothbrush in the bathroom... (no ties or belts, though! also remove any butcher block knife set from the kitchen counter!!!!)

3. Keep your blinds, curtains, whatever closed at night so strangers can't case the joint.

4. Keep your dwelling well-lit inside and out (motion activated), and alter your habits... including not using the same timers on the same lamps at the same time every night.

5. Encourage your dog(s) to bark and let strangers think s/he is protective (caution workmen with: Wait! while I put the dogs away.

6. Have a check-in system with a good friend (good for medical reasons as well)

7) Get a monitored alarm system (if you can afford it); otherwise a sign that suggests you have one is good, too. Also, if you have a car alarm, keep the keys and car fob at hand so that you can activate the car alarm if necessary.

8) If possible, add your son, other male relative or a female relative with an ambiguous name (i.e. non-female sounding or not clearly female) to your checking account so that when you do write a check to workmen in your home, it suggests a male relationship/presence.

9) Be eccentric; don't be afraid to be considerd the NICE but CRAZY lady on the block!

10) Consider a gun and training in how to use it (I'm gun averse but recognize the need and value of 'drop dead' self defense)