My Race-Based Valentine - Why Online Dating Is the Last Refuge of Overt Racial Preferences (TIME)

[heli]

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1963768,00.html

My Race-Based Valentine
By Jenée Desmond-Harris
Monday, Feb. 22, 2010

This Valentine's Day, more of us than ever will be looking for love online. And if recent studies are any guide, relatively few women on mainstream dating sites will bother to respond to overtures from men of Asian descent. Likewise, black women will be disproportionately snubbed by men of all races. Yes, even though America has been flirting intensely with a postracial label for some time, color blindness is not upheld as an ideal in the realm of online romance. On some sites, it's not even an option. Chemistry.com requires users to identify their ethnicity; like eHarmony, it considers members' racial preferences when suggesting matches. Match.com lets users filter their searches by race. The site's profiles include space to indicate interest (or lack thereof) in various racial and ethnic groups. But after Jennifer House, a black woman in Los Angeles, perused one too many profiles only to find the guys had checked off every box except African American, she changed her strategy. "Now I look at that section first so as not to get my hopes up," she says.

Racial preferences — or, as some call them, biases — are easier to observe on these sites than in offline settings. Behind computer screens and cutely coded user names, people clearly communicate things about race that few would ever say aloud in a bar. For example, a study published last year in Social Science Research examined 1,558 profiles that white daters living in or near big U.S. cities placed on Yahoo! Personals, which, much like Match, lists 10 racial and ethnic groups users can select as preferred dates. Among the women, 73% stated a preference. Of these, 64% selected whites only, while fewer than 10% included East Indians, Middle Easterners, Asians or blacks. The story is a little different for the men, 59% of whom stated a racial preference. Of these, nearly half selected Asians, but fewer than 7% did for black women. Why? One theory offered by the study's lead author, Cynthia Feliciano, a sociologist at the University of California at Irvine, is that men's choices are influenced by the media's portrayal of Asian women as being hypersexual and black women as being bossy. The people running OkCupid.com have a less nuanced explanation. In October, the free dating site, 80% of whose members choose to input their race, studied the messaging patterns of more than a million users and concluded on its official blog that "racism is alive and well."

After attempting to control for attractiveness (using something OkCupid calls a picture-rating utility) and compatibility (on the basis of answers to questions covering everything from spirituality to dental hygiene), the study found that black women garnered the fewest responses of any female group. White women responded at much higher rates to white men than to men of color. Asian women's and Latinas' response rates showed even stronger preferences for white men. (The site's latest eye-opening study determined which types of profile pictures elicit the most responses. To all the single ladies: the older you are, the more cleavage you should show.).

But do racial preferences amount to racism? Or is overlooking an entire ethnicity as innocuous as filtering out redheads or people under a certain height? "Just because you take race into consideration in your dating preferences and are aware of race doesn't make you racist," says Dr. Nicole Coleman, a psychology professor at the University of Houston. Minorities who prefer to date within their own race or ethnicity — and who look for potential mates on niche sites like BlackPeopleMeet.com and Amor.com — would probably agree with her. Even for those who hate the idea of racial preferences, such stipulations can be a useful barometer for finding a person with shared values. Says Bostonian Karen Schoneman: "I tend to have a negative reaction toward a man who indicates race preferences, whether it excludes me as a white woman or not." When she sees evidence online of what she regards as narrow-mindedness, she skips right to the next profile. One click closer, maybe, to postracial eHarmony.

[wtmusic]

1. A review of the definition of racism is in order

"a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race"

I think it's possible to prefer dating people of a certain race without thinking that race is superior.

Not defending this kind of preference btw, which IMO seems very close-minded.

[paulsby]

8. i agree

some men also like short women or tall women or whatever.

some women like guys with a hairy chest, or not. or muscular. or not

some prefer blondes, or brunettes, or redheads.


like it or not, race is an aspect of APPEARANCE. and we (vive la differenc) consider appearance when selecting mates.

i think this is much ado about nothing, frankly.

[Number23]

32. The article states that "black women are perceived as bossy" so appearance is obviously

not the primary (stated) issue. The article also mentioned that Asian women were perceived as hypersexual so again, appearance is not the issue.

Much of it is the way women of color are portrayed in this country. Blonde hair and blue eyes reign supreme, whether anyone wants to believe and acknowledge that or not.

Don't believe me?? The next time you are at the grocery store or at Borders, go to the womens' lifestyle section and look at the magazine covers (ie Vogue, W, Cosmo, InStyle, etc.) and even some of the more showbiz-y magazines (Vanity Fair, Entertainment Weekly etc). How many black, Asian, Hispanic women will you see on these covers?? Few if any. There will be 3 times more white women on these covers who share a common hair color (blonde) than there will be women of color. Open the magazine and look at the ads within. Again, a sea of blondeness. Does that not strike anyone else as odd??

The next time you watch commercials for upcoming movies, pay particular attention to the types of roles that white women get vs. women of color. The movie industry could be a hell of a lot better to ALL women, but those cursed with melanin as well as ovaries are given a particularly hard lot. The next time you watch the Oscars, the Tonys or any other award show, try to notice the types of roles that are hailed for white women vs. those for women of color (if they're being hailed at all).

This is not hard at all. It just takes a bit of awareness and a bit of understanding that culture has most definitely impacted what people view as beautiful and as desirable. Black women are at the bottom of the list because we are viewed as not being sexual enough, others are viewed as too sexual (Asians, Hispanics) and others don't seem to be viewed at all (Middle Eastern, Indian women).

[paulsby]

50. you need to read more critically...

you say:

"Blonde hair and blue eyes reign supreme, whether anyone wants to believe and acknowledge that or not."

rubbish. the very article disputes your claim...

"The story is a little different for the men, 59% of whom stated a racial preference. Of these, nearly half selected Asians"

59% of white men who stated racial preference, nearly half selected asian. and 7% selected african american. that means more than half of white men selected OTHER than white women, let alone blonde hair blue eyes.

you say

"The article states that "black women are perceived as bossy" "

actually...

"but fewer than 7% did for black women. Why? One theory offered by the study's lead author, Cynthia Feliciano, a sociologist at the University of California at Irvine, is that men's choices are influenced by the media's portrayal of Asian women as being hypersexual and black women as being bossy"

that's one THEORY OFFERED by the study's lead author. it's hardly some sort of definitive fact. the article doesn't really state it as fact. it says it's ONE THEORY OFFERED, hardly a definitive statement...

hth

fwiw, i know a lot of black guys who date white women, and they DO perceive that black women are more demanding on them. i'm not saying it's untrue, i'm saying it;s just part of the equation.

part of the equation is that different people can be attracted to different phenotypes, and it doesn't make them racist.

yes, bla bla bla cosmo et al tells us what's hawt (see: sir mix a lot), but so do our genes and our life experiences.

i happen to be a competitive athlete. i find athletic women that are relatively muscular VERY attractive. why? because i am surrounded by them. it's an acquired taste. i didn't use to perceive that way.

[Number23]

57. Ummm... did someone piss in your Wheaties this morning??

The article does NOT dispute my claim that blonde hair and blue eyes reigns supreme. The article doesn't even MENTION blonde hair and blue eyes. *I* made that observation and it is an observation that is ROOTED in truth.

i know a lot of black guys who date white women, and they DO perceive that black women are more demanding on them.

So that "theory" is okay, but God help me that I came up with one based on the lack of positive portrayals of women of color in the mainstream media?? And are you SERIOUSLY acting as though you find it odd that a group of women viewed as "hypersexual" would be getting the highest number of "hell yeah!" votes from men, whether that "hypersexual" label is even the slightest bit accurate or not??

The whole article is based on theory so what are you getting so worked up and bent out of shape over?? There is nothing definitive about this piece because when it comes to issues of race and perception, as the article clearly states "Behind computer screens and cutely coded user names, people clearly communicate things about race that few would ever say aloud in a bar." In other words, people don't talk honestly about race. But some have somehow managed to convince themselves that denying what is in their faces every single day is a winning strategy for fixing our racial issues.

I really don't know what your issue is and what set off your Outrage Meter but I couldn't care less. (Looking around for someone a bit more reasonable and less spittle-prone to discuss this with.)

[paulsby]

75. i have no outrage whatsoever

i'm totally mellow with this discussion. and i think you make some good points

[Number23]

99. Okay. Then Happy Valentine's Day to you.

:)

[paulsby]

101. i feel all warm and fuzzy

thx. you too. it's just the internet. i can't get strident in my advocacy :)

[undeterred]

148. I never knew there was a stereotype about Asian women

being hypersexual. I always thought Caucasian men liked Asian women because their culture trains them to be submissive. Tell me I'm wrong.

[TwilightGardener]

160. That's what I had thought, too. I think they have their stereotypes a little off.

[ddeclue]

119. I'm white but I happen to prefer brunettes and Latinas not blondes.

Choice is an individual thing regardless of what is on the cover of Vogue.

[KonaKane]

2. Why this discrimination against Black women?

They include many of the most beautiful women on the planet! This is truly a dumb bigotry to have when you are out in the "market".

[Name removed]

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[Name removed]

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[Raineyb]

24. Because our culture consistently portrays black women as undesirable.

We're loud, bossy, uncouth according to the portrayals when we're not portrayed as loose, hyper-sexual, crack-whores who even black men don't want.

Our media portrays white women as the ideal is it really a wonder that people don't really want the opposite number? But we're not supposed to believe there's any bigotry involved there.

The rubbish people expect one to believe in this country is simply mind-boggling.

[MadHound]

28. And we're all controlled by the media, down to our every single action?

We're all mindless drones that only do what the media programs us to do?

But wait, millions of men don't subscribe to the media inflated ideal of beauty, since we marry women who aren't blond, or blue eyed and aren't shaped like Barbie.

Sorry, but your premise that men are mindless drones programmed by the media is not only wrong but insulting to men in general.

[Raineyb]

137. I didn't say that at all but to pretend that media portrayal plays no role at all is extremely

disingenuous. And the phrase "you're pretty for a black girl" is emblematic of exactly that mindset. The story of the number of people on dating sites who actively and openly reject black women without even so much as a message to see of one is temperamentally compatible is indicative of the insidiousness of the attitudes of white supremacy that permeate our society. What should I do pretend it doesn't exist? I don't have that luxury.

[Mixopterus]

34. Ok, guy giving his opinion

It's the face, really. African women can be intensely beautiful in an objective sense, but the face doesn't do it for me. The body is only so-so according to my tastes as well.

But I feel the same way about caucasians and hispanics too, it just doesn't do anything for me.

I think the reasons for the attraction are a little deeper than "You will want to have sex with what the media tells you to".

[Fire1]

51. I don't see how "the face doesn't do it" for you when generally

men are visual creatures. The initial attraction is first, visual. So, it must be the "so-so" body that's not necessarily attractive. What else could there be upon first glance?

[Mixopterus]

53. I'm pretty sure

Both the body and face are counted as visual stimuli.

[Fire1]

58. You said the faces of AA women were intensely attractive, so

I wasn't referring to that, obviously. I was referring to the "so-so" body that you obviously have a problem with.

[Mixopterus]

59. Ohh, no no no

I mean the faces of African women can be beautiful in an objective sense (symmetrical, all that jazz) but they still don't do it for me. To me, nothing is more beautiful than the face of an East Asian, Native American, or Siberian/Ugric. The eyes, the nose, the shape of the face... well, you know :p.

[Fire1]

61. African or African American? n/t

[Mixopterus]

66. Good question

I guess I mean in a general sense, there are so many different groups of Africans and African Americans come in as many shapes and sizes as North American Caucasians.

[Fire1]

70. Something to contemplate. n/t

[Mixopterus]

72. Yeah

But I'm not attracted to Caucasians either :p

[Fire1]

76. Who DO you like?? LOL!! n/t

[Mixopterus]

104. I already said:

"To me, nothing is more beautiful than the face of an East Asian, Native American, or Siberian/Ugric."

[Fire1]

107. Oh... ok! Forgot I read that. lol!! I'm tired. n/t

[Mixopterus]

108. Yeah

It's one of those days...

[Bunny]

3. I don't understand how it's racist to have racial preferences for dating partners.

:shrug:

[vadawg]

5. its not, people just look for shit like this, everyone has biases when it comes to dating

and everyone has different tastes.... just because you dont like fat women or skinny women as partners dosent mean you are a bigot for example..

[emilyg]

38. It's not.

[surrealAmerican]

4. It's unpleasant, but not exactly racism.

We're dealing with sexual preferences here. You would not consider a woman "sexist" for only dating men, you'd consider her "straight".

Most people would be more inclined to reconsider a racial sexual preference in an "in person" venue rather than on-line.

[dustbunnie]

6. It's not the last refuge when people practice dating "racism" every day in bars, the street, etc..

It isn't racism to have a preference, although you could call it closed minded. I'm blonde and have never been attracted to blonde men. Hispanic, Armenian, black guys, those with dark, smoldering eyes, yes. Wheat tops, no. That doesn't make me racist, or bigoted.

It only sounds bad in writing. In person you can just avoid the type you aren't attracted to, or politely turn them down with some vague excuse.

[SoCalDem]

7. Even within "groups" there are "preferences"

there was a study done ages ago that hinted that Mom's imprinting on their sons, (as infants) often dictated the type of woman they gravitated toward as they dated.. (creepily Oedipal..but hey.. science is science)

They showed photos of the women that men chose and then showed the mothers of those men at similar ages..

and the study showed that the same was true of the women who unconsciously chose men who looked a lot like their "young" fathers.

Isn;t the brain something else? We think we are in charge, but that darned "lizard-brain" tucked deep inside our brain, sometimes has the last say.

[WestSeattle2]

9. Yes, the brain is an amazing thing! Always a source of

fascination.

[Codeine]

14. Absolutely true.

I find women who look like my mom did at age twenty to be surpassingly gorgeous.

It helps that my mom was a smokin' hottie in her youth. :evilgrin:

[seabeyond]

17. so true, so true. 3,4,5,6 sons bond with mother, daughters with father with their worth

in their sexuality. those ages are so important how each gender preceives their worth with opposite gender. then as tehy hit puberty it is the bonding with same gender. the lesson in how to be the gender that is so important.

[seabeyond]

18. i want to add. hands. hands are so important to me. i can remember little little

always playing with my fathers hands. sittin next to, sittin on his lap, out and about holding his hands. they were big, strong and rough. always was feeling his hands

went on a date with a nice enough guy. held his hands. they were smallish and soft and i just reacted and almost threw it away. was all wrong. felt so bad after, didnt mean to, just a reaction. had nothing ot do with the guy. was everything about my fathers hands when i was so little. the safety, comfort... ect

[HipChick]

48. Teeth for me..

I grew up in the UK..:rofl:

[blondeatlast]

159. I lol'ed! nt

[Fire1]

56. Science or no science that's not necessarily true. My son

has a tendency to like heavy girls and I'm petite and never weighed over 125lbs. soaking wet. Some women have been known to date and marry men the exact opposite of their father or father figure. Whether this is a conscious or subconscious decision is debatable and shoots a hole in that theory.

[seabeyond]

60. tend to, not absolute. and i am talking more if the daughter has a good relationship

feels valid and secure in fathers love she tends to a more healthy male relationship. if an unhealthy experience with father, tend to doubt sexual self worth.

i felt the marrying like parent was more to character rather than looks.

but no where is there an absolute.

[Fire1]

62. Exactly. Waaay too many variables involved. n/t

[seabeyond]

64. in child rearing or dealing with people there is never absolute. doesnt hurt to be aware. nt

[Fire1]

68. Even with controlled sampling there is no absolute. There may

be a "norm" in that group but nothing absolute. Subsequently, theories can be refuted so easily.

[seabeyond]

77. repeating. i acknowledge no absolutes. i told you know absolutes. so wtf? nt

[Fire1]

79. Sorry! Just conversating not debating. My bad. n/t

[seabeyond]

80. ahhhh. ok. thanks fire, i appreciation the clarification

the ole net doesnt let on to the humor, fun, tone and body language

[Codeine]

69. The preference for heavier girls

may simply be related to the fact that at his age he has grown up in a fat society, which many of us in our late thirties did not. To him heaviness may not even register because it's so common. Look at his girlfriend's eyes and face -- you may see a bit of Mom peeking back at you.

It took me years to realize how many of the girls I dated shared features with my mom.

[Fire1]

73. Honey! TRUST ME!! These girls look NOTHING like me! lol!!

[Ex Lurker]

21. even creepier

I met a woman online (not on a dating site.) Neither of us were looking for a relationship at the time, but we hit it off, and found ourselves chatting more and more. Eventually it was time to exchange pictures, and--she bore a more than passing resemblance to several female members of my extended family. So the lizard brain worked without even any visual clues.

[SoCalDem]

22. It has to account for the familial resemblances we see in so many familie

and perhaps why so many older couples end up looking like each other as they age..:)

[HipChick]

11. If you prefer to not date a obese person, would that be termed

discriminatory?..if you were not attracted to obese people

[seabeyond]

12. i just really like my men with dark hair. i have never dated a blonde. or red head.

i dont have anything against the blonde or the red head. but the dark hair guy has always pushed my buttons. first kiss at 4 in kindergarten was a native american. and from then on, i cant recall ever being attracted to someone who wasnt dark hair.

:shrug:

[HipChick]

15. I can't date anyone that is shorter than me...I'm 6ft without heels

I don't like looking at bald spots..and blondes do nothing for me..

[seabeyond]

19. see?. and i am attracted to guys my height or a little taller but married a man much taller

i thought that was a funny quirk.

[Codeine]

16. Why all this male pattern baldness bigotry!?

;)

[seabeyond]

20. huh?

bah hahahaha. lol, cute. that is cause i am only talking those with hair. hm... and there is an interesting question.

though i do enjoy some of the men with clean shaven heads. find them attractive. naturally or not, i like that look. have two brother in laws that do that due to male baldness.

[ddeclue]

130. For example...

[JI7]

35. but would you be open to going out with one and getting to know them

and see if something develops ?

[seabeyond]

44. i have never done online, or any org dating. they ask for preference

i would probably put dark haired. but if a red head wanted to go out? sure. i havent done it consciously. or purposely. just how it has always worked.

i have been attracted to black men. i wouldnt be opposed to dating him because of it. but married, lol. lets see.... been attracted to a couple gays..... thinking here.

nah, thinking about it, i wouldnt turn anyone down. i mean, i did turn people down, but not cause color of hair. that would be if interested in dating, if not married. probably wouldnt be interested in dating, though. not big on dating and relationship. if ever single, i would stay there.

on edit: lot of answer to your very simple question

[shanti]

138. same here

i've always preferred dark haired guys...kind of a moot point now, though, as the men are now older and usually gray!

[Raschel]

165. Swarthy guys for me too! Although I'll take Chase on 'House' or the 'Mentalist'.

:hi:

[Quantess]

23. But...if you aren't attracted to someone, why bother?

I have a certain prototype of man that I'm most attracted to, and I don't feel guilty about that.

Although, I think that getting to know someone in person may allow for a wider range of allowances in appearance. That Asian man or the black woman may become more attractive over time as the person gets to know them. Online, just looking at a photo is so superficial.

[SoCalDem]

25. I think maturity has a lot to do with it too.

When the hormones are new and urgent, the lizard-brain probably takes over, and looks are everything (at first)...but as we age and have more experience, maybe we realize that looks aren't everything...and many people who "online-date" , get to know the person's thoughts before they see a picture:)

[Quantess]

42. If maturity means settling for someone you aren't physically attracted to,

I'm not sure that's the kind of "maturity" I'm looking for.

My first long term relationship was with someone I wasn't wildly attracted to. He was more of a good friend. The sex fizzled out (on my part) fairly early. We are still friends, though. I have since decided that I'm not going to settle too easily, regarding sexual attraction.

[asdjrocky]

26. I'm just putting it out there, but sisters are welcome to apply here!

:hi:

[Liberal_Stalwart71]

150. *Raising hand* !!!! n/t

[Mixopterus]

27. And this is racist/bigoted how?

I've only ever been attracted to Asians/Siberians/Ugrics and the like, it's just how I'm wired. Oh, and glasses... I can't explain it.

It's certainly not because I view them as being hypersexual, as that would be a tremendous turn-off. It's just some deep, ancient thing that I cannot rationally explain and am forced to accept.

[liquid diamond]

29. So damn sad.

It just goes to show that we haven't come that far when it comes to race relations. If one is looking for a long term relationship, you'd think that the most important qualities would come from within: intelligence, compassion, honesty, etc. I find it pretty damn superficial to dismiss a potential partner just because of their race, but that's just me. Obviously some people in this thread have no problem with it.

[Mixopterus]

31. Those are important qualities

But you are forgetting that we are still animals and have some very primitive circuitry guiding our mating patterns that can only be somewhat ameliorated through our rational faculties.

Is my sexual preference irrational? Yeah it certainly is, but it's something I cannot get rid of and plays in important part in my sexual attraction to someone. Could someone be a great friend and a great person and have all the qualities you mentioned in addition to being attracted to me? Yes, but I'm not going to reciprocate those feelings because I'm simply only attracted to, well, what I find attractive. That doesn't make me a bigot, it makes me an animal with reason that knows it is irrational, but I can't change my circuitry.

[liquid diamond]

36. I pointed out that people have

differing views in this thread. Fine. I never called anybody a bigot. I just find it upsetting that somebody could meet a person online that has everything they are looking for only to be disappointed to find that this person is Asian, black, white whatever whole group of people they aren't physically attracted to.

[Mixopterus]

46. Well

Attraction is a primary component of being in a romantic relationship, otherwise they are just a friend.

[Confusious]

153. That makes absolutely no sense

"I just find it upsetting that somebody could meet a person online that has everything they are looking for only to be disappointed to find that this person is Asian, black, white whatever whole group of people they aren't physically attracted to."

I don't like really skinny girls, but I should date them? For what reason? Waste her time and mine for something that is going to go nowhere, except friendship, because I'm not physically attracted to her? I should make myself miserable so I don't hurt someone elses feelings?

[liquid diamond]

167. You are comparing body type to race. Bad analogy.

[Codeine]

33. This article dealt with online dating and the reactions to

photographs therein. Long term relationships are not usually the point of a place like OKCupid or Chemistry.com.

[liquid diamond]

40. Eharmony and match.com do.

I'm not talking about websites where people solicit hookups or adultery. Of course people are a lot more superficial in places like that. I find that understandable.

[seabeyond]

39. having never done online dating, or any kind of org dating where i would list preference, i cannot

even guess at what i would put down.

stating i like brown hair.... when in real life, all attraction has been brown hair is all i have to go off of. if these kind of comments make you sad, or see it as bigotry, well, maybe that isn't it

i got to know an iranian i worked with, and we ended up together. i would never have put an interest in Iranian. i would have never thought of it. but in real life it happened.

[liquid diamond]

43. That's fine. Everyone has their opinion on this subject.

[seabeyond]

45. sure. i guess my point is, some of the answers you may

see as bigotry, but maybe they arent.

[liquid diamond]

52. I find them superficial, but some people are cool with that.

I can't control their behavior (they can't either according to the "we're just animals" argument). I can only comment on it.

[Mixopterus]

54. So what is attractive to you

This is getting interesting, is it purely intellectual components that you find attractive or is there some unstated visual aspect as well?

[liquid diamond]

78. Well

Internal characteristics are more important to me when looking for a long-term relationship. I’m attracted to women that are honest, independent, intelligent, and compassionate. I’m not movie star good looking, so it probably doesn’t mean much…however, looks aren’t that important to me, nor is somebody’s race. I’m glad I’m wired that way, so I have a lot of options available. Whether it is voluntary or not, I'm glad I don't discriminate against whole groups of people. That's not an attack against anybody here that does. As far as physical appearances, the only thing that turns me off is obesity—that’s all.

[Fire1]

84. Three cheers for open minded! Great quality. n/t

[MadHound]

30. I noticed that they didn't go into the racial preferences of black men,

Or Asian men. That would be interesting to see. Might provide a clearer picture of what dynamic is at work here.

Perhaps it could be something as simple as like attracting like, no matter the race.

[liquid diamond]

37. When I experimented with online

dating, I noticed that most Asian women were seeking white men, not even those of their own race. I honestly wonder why that is. I've heard Asian men complain about that preference as well.

[Alias Dictus Tyrant]

87. The general answer seems to be straightforward

I am immersed in Asian women and while they have a pretty mixed set of partners, the tradeoff between an Asian and Caucasian boyfriend is pretty straightforward.

Some of their parents have a strong preference for them to date Asian guys.
Caucasian guys treat them better than Asian guys on average, mostly a cultural thing.


That seems to be a decent first-order explanation. I don't get the "hyper-sexuality" thing mentioned in the article though.

[liquid diamond]

112. I don't agree with the hyper-sexual stereotype either.

Thanks for the input.

[dustbunnie]

41. Black and hispanic men are very attracted to me.

I would say opposites attract as well. ;)

[burning rain]

47. Hmm?

the media's portrayal of Asian women as being hypersexual

I think a more frequent stereotype of Asian women is that they're more tractable (besides of course the allure of "exoticism"). Certainly, it seems that guys with an Asian fetish are often looking for a "well-behaved" girlfriend and have the idea that Asian women fit the bill.

[JI7]

49. what is the experience of black women on here ?

i would guess that many black women do get asked out by white and guys of other races. but many of these same guys are likely to exclude black women in things like these dating sites.

and this is because of something similar to "some of my best friends are black" or more likely "you aren't like the rest".

they have a certain stereotypical, mostly negative view of black women . but when they see some in person they might like them but it's because they view them as apart from most other black women. like they are the exception.

and as someone mentioned earlier it probably has to do with the way media shows black women. remember all the crap about Michelle Obama ? the angry black woman steretotype ?

[Number23]

65. I agree. But apparently there are a few people who wish to pretend that being fed

a steady and extraordinarily narrow diet of what is and is not "beautiful," and "desirable" since birth has no impact on what they come to perceive as "beautiful" and "desirable."

I know for me and alot of my black women friends, we wouldn't even LOOK at a man who wasn't black and you would be struck dead for bringing home a white man. That comes from very strong societal pressure on black women to be the "foundation" of the black family which means marrying and having children with a black man. As I got older, I realized a) that the societal pressure put on black women to marry black was definitely NOT being put on black men (or they were better at ignoring it) and b) there was no telling how many good men I'd missed out on by having such a narrow view of what is and is not "desirable" and what is and is not acceptable as a mate.

A good thing I did too. Or else I would have missed out on my 6'1 dark haired, green-eyed Aussie hunk of a husband. :)

[seabeyond]

67. my 6'1 dark haired, green-eyed Aussie hunk .... ahhhhhhhh

and so true your post.

i never say this out loud, cause it is only my impression and not my experience. but..... i have felt the one group of people most dumped on in about all respects is the black female. i talk to my friend and demand... why she is not more angry. cause i am. she tells me, the way it is.

[Number23]

81. You're right, seabeyond. And as J17 mentioned, there is no question that the media

representation has exacerbated this. The image of the neck-rolling, hands-on hip, ready to kick some ass black woman that is a steady fixture in the media has played a HUGE role in how black women are perceived by others. (Although I do love that asskicking part. :) )

If you are a white man living in Montana and your only interaction with black women is what you see in the movies or on tv, what else are you going to think? Black women are only about 6% of the American population; it is possible for HUGE numbers of whites/non-blacks to go years with very little personal interaction with black women. So in that regard, the way that we are portrayed not only impacts us, but it impacts the way that we are perceived by others who otherwise would have no interaction with us. And alot of us ARE angry at the way that we are either ignored or misrepresented in American culture.

I don't understand how anyone can pretend that the way groups of people are represented in the media "doesn't matter." It matters a HELL of alot. There are entire sections of bookstores, year-long seminars and university programs committed to discussing the issue of media representation for minorities (including women). To try to pretend otherwise is crazy.

[Fire1]

82. True that, my sista! lol!! (in a whisper) n/t

[seabeyond]

83. pretend that the way groups of people are represented in the media "doesn't matter."

pretend is the huge word. surely no one is that obtuse, unaware.... shit, just plain fuckin stupid, lol

and i love the point you make that there is only 6% black women in population. that is such an excellent point that i had never thought of. but right on

good post

[Raineyb]

142. "surely no one is that obtuse, unaware.... shit, just plain fuckin stupid, lol"

Unfortunately there are people just that obtuse, unaware and stupid. You can see it further up. I made mention of the white woman being portrayed as the ideal and how that would affect the perceived desirability of black women and you'd think *I* was the one with a problem. I'm merely pointing out ought to be painfully obvious in this country at this point and people are up in arms. Pretending that the media portrayal doesn't matter is the most charitable way of putting this attitude quite frankly. I'm inclined to label it as indifference because it doesn't affect them.

[Fire1]

88. True and I know from personal experience. n/t

[Liberal_Stalwart71]

151. I am a black woman and if I had a penny for every white/Latino male that hit on me

and/or wanted to date/marry me, I'd be a millionaire right now. Sadly I have a tougher time with black men. However online dating has been interesting for me. I get responses from men of all races/ethnicities. Now, trying to find the right one for me, that's way tougher than considerations of race. I have no preference.

[Pharlo]

55. Something that this article did not mention -

Several years ago I experimented with online dating. Going into it, I had no race preferences. And, had the men answering been local, I'd have left it that way. However, a good 98% of the responses I got were from black men in Africa. I live in the upper midwest of the US. If there was a way to limit geographic location on the site, I really wasn't interested enough to search for it. I found that the only way I could eliminate responses from African men was to check the 'except African-Americans' box. I didn't last long with online dating - personally, I find filling out the questionnaire to be more of a hassle than the site is worth. That was my experience. It may not be everyones.

But, it could help explain why some of the racial blocks are there. As well as the fact that what anyone finds attractive is personal. Skin, hair, eyes, weight - everyone has preferences. Finding a particular set of physical characteristics preferable over another when searching for a significant other isn't wrong. It's just the way it is.

Personally, if a guy has a good brain, a nice smile, brown eyes and a cute ass, I could care less what color his skin is. But, that's me.

[sendero]

63. "Overt racial preferences".

.... != "racism".

Yawn.

[Kurt_and_Hunter]

71. Should someone be wasting folks' time to appear "open-minded"?

It is presented as if it would be a favor for someone to solicit replies from people they are not, for whatever reason, attracted to.

There is no benefit to anyone in disguising preferences in online dating.

The whole discussion has a tinge of dystopia. It extrapolates to telling people that their sexual preferences do not conform to some ideal.

[ddeclue]

125. Job hunting vs. dating..

Companies posting job criteria are very picky..especially these days and try to cram as many skills as they can into one candidate for the cheapest price they can. I'm hunting for a job these days and find it very frustrating - but at least one can always learn new skills and at least there is an obvious logical reason for the skill set in most cases.

Dating is far less kind and far more frustrating - 99.5% (or more) of the time you fail at it. 99.99% of the time you don't even know why. Worse yet even if you do find out why there's generally nothing you can do about it to fix it. Finally there's very little logic to the "requirements" being put on you by the person of the opposite sex with whom you are hoping to make a connection.

[undeterred]

74. I think its possible to have an ethnic preference in dating

without being racist. First of all, if you can't be choosy in choosing a mate, where can you be? People are choosy about height, weight, income, religion, and politics, so why not race? Second, the reason women might choose not to date certain races is because they are perceived as being more sexist than others. And if you've dated a man of another race who turned out to be sexist, you're not likely to do it again. That's not racist, its realistic.

[KamaAina]

85. I freely admit that I have an overt racial preference

I insist that the future Mrs. K. be of the human race. :P

[Odin2005]

86. BWAHAHA, I was going to post the same remark!

[Odin2005]

89. I am attracted to very light, untanned skin, but racism doesn't really have anything to do with it.

I like Asian chicks with very light skin, too. :yoiks:

I also like redheads, which are by definition all White.

But that is not the determining factor, really, I have had a Native American, a Latina, and a Kenyan girlfriend.

[c brand]

90. eHarmony is bogus

[c brand]

91. FWIW racial pref stats from the hardcopy version of Time::

How Your Race Affects Your Online Dating Prospects
Crunching the data on two popular sites
- White males got the most replies to their messages but responded the least to women's overtures, in a study of a million-plus OkCupid users
- Black females garnered the lowest response rate of all the women's groups in the OkCupid study
- Hispanic males were excluded by 77% of white women who stated a racial preference in a study of Yahoo! Personals
- Asian males were excluded by 93% of white women with racial preferences in the Yahoo! profiles that U.C. Irvine analyzed
- Black males on OkCupid drew the lowest reply rate from Asians and the highest from blacks
- White females who stated a racial preference on Yahoo! checked just one box, for white men, 64% of the time
- East Indian females were excluded by 82% of white men on Yahoo! who indicated racial preferences
- Asian females got better response rates on OkCupid from blacks, Latinos and East Asians than from Asians
- East Indian males garnered an average response rate of 21%, the lowest of all race-gender combos on OkCupid
- Hispanic females were included by 52% of white men with racial preferences in the U.C. Irvine study.

[Blue_Tires]

93. welcome to the site...

[c brand]

94. Per Time stats, white males are the most desirable of all race-gender combos???????

[liquid diamond]

113. uggggh

Life is so fucking unfair.

[heli]

105. Thanks for adding the addendum!

[Withywindle]

92. I think this is creepy and disturbing and here's why...

Every one of us can say, "Oh, here are my individual preferences..." and be right, it's not fair to blast an INDIVIDUAL for his/her specific turn-ons and turn-offs.

But this article isn't really about individuals. It's about SYSTEMIC PATTERNS. And yeah, those are made up of individuals; it takes a lot of individuals to make up one, but these patterns are very real. And they're hurtful to real individuals as well.

What would be helpful is for individuals who read this article and recognize themselves in it, to not get defensive, but privately, in your own free time, ask yourself, "Do I fit this pattern? I wonder why? Do I have deeply buried stereotypes about certain groups of people? Where did I get them? Is it all purely aesthetic? Well, how was my aesthetic sense shaped - family, art, media, etcetera?"

A little bit of self-examining never hurt anyone.

Me, a bi white/latina woman, I find black women beautiful and attractive, but intimidating. I worry they'll sniff out the internalized racism I haven't uprooted yet and give me the tonguelashing I probably deserve (and that I'll like it, cause I'm kinky, and that would be exploitative and fetishizing in its own way). I find Middle Eastern and South Asian men to be the most aesthetically beautiful men in the world and I could stare at them all day, but I have internalized stereotypes about what their attitudes towards women might be like.

These attitudes exist in me, but they aren't things that deserve defending. They're things I know I need to WORK ON.

[Liberal_Stalwart71]

152. Thank you for your honesty. I must admit that black women are used to being told

that we are the least desirable of any race/ethnic category. I try not to get depressed about it, but there are so many wonderful--"non-bossy"--black women who have done so well for themselves but will never meet Mr. Right. Again, I try not to get depressed over it. On the other hand, I cannot be convinced that racism has absolutely NOTHING to do with why these differences exist. At some level, people are succumbing to stereotypes more than they care to admit.

[Withywindle]

168. I'm so sorry.

I am trying to work through stereotypes when I know intellectually how silly and pointless and hurtful to others they are. It saddens me to see so many people who prefer to defend their stereotypes rather than do some self-questioning--but I can relate to it, because I was there once too and I still have a long way to go.

Racism absolutely has something to do with it. People don't want to admit their own part in it because they think "racism" is something only hateful people in white hoods do. But we were all raised with it, and I don't think anyone has completely escaped it.

One guy who says he doesn't find black women attractive is an individual. A thousand of them, and it's racism. But that thousand is made up of individuals all trying to justify themselves.

:hug:

[Number23]

169. Brilliant post. Top to bottom. Your first one in this thread was great too.

It saddens me to see so many people who prefer to defend their stereotypes rather than do some self-questioning

Sad indeed. But not in the least bit surprising.

[Liberal_Stalwart71]

175. Based on the findings of the study cited in the study, I guess I'm on the side of the author

when she is simply stating that it's not racism, but there are racist stereotypes about ALL people that--on some subconscious or unconscious level--determines people's preferences. I tend to appreciate those who are more honest about that then try to hide behind "preferences."

[Withywindle]

178. Wow, thank you so much!

I just hope I got a few people to think about it. :hi:

[c brand]

95. Per above Time stats, white males are the most desirable of all race-gender combos???????

[Fire1]

98. You posted this twice. Any reason for that? n/t

[Sen. Walter Sobchak]

96. so people trolling for ass on the internet are a good sample for a sociological study?

How about a study on marriage based on the participants on a swinger message board?

[HipChick]

97. This is very Americentric..no one really bats an eyelid to inter-racial dating in the UK

europe,or Canada..

[Fire1]

100. How true. I guess that's why I love Europe, the netherlands,

canada and UK.

[liquid diamond]

114. Interesting point. Thanks.

Thats something for people that defend this behavior to think about.

[ddeclue]

123. And they don't in NYC or Miami or L.A. generally either.

It just depends on the area.

[LatteLibertine]

102. Having preferences is fine

I am not going to filter someone out because of something like; they are Black, Asian or white with blond hair. I'd definitely accept a woman that matched up with me well on a mental and values level before hitting all of my physical ideals. I prefer women with dark hair and eyes. I wouldn't tell a blond with green eyes to get lost if we were compatible on many other levels.

Yes there needs to be attraction and fortunately for me there are always exceptions even among the sorts that don't normally appeal to me.

That said, to each their own on the issue. I do think it's worthwhile for people to reflect on their preferences.

As far as black women go, I've seriously dated some wonderful women who happen to be black.

People shouldn't date folks they aren't attracted to and it may be worth while for you to investigate people you might not normally select. You may be pleasantly surprised.

[TwilightGardener]

103. I suppose I should feel bad for having preferences at all.

Preferences for looks, personality, sense of humor, career, physical condition, age...shame on me for caring about any of this. I'll just go pick up a hobo off the street and take him home with me. That will prove how enlightened I am.

[Quantess]

111. ....

:spray:

Come on, WHERE'S THE LOVE?!

No seriously, I agree with you completely. No one needs to feel guilty about their sexual preferences. I don't!

I understand people often go through an experimental stage, and that's great. But I've been there and done that, and at this point in my life, I refuse to date someone I'm not attracted to.

I might end up dating someone I was not attracted to at first, but if I do, it sure won't be to prove how enlightened I am.

[TwilightGardener]

122. It's nice to have an open mind, but trying to make people feel guilty

for not being attracted to one type of person or another is just pointless.

[Quantess]

124. Exactly. It will work no better than a gay person marrying a heterosexual.

At best, it would be like Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes.

But who knows where cupid will strike? I have often been sort of taken by surprise by my feelings.
One time it was an Asian man whom I got to know pretty well, but he wasn't available. He did not fit into my physical prototype, and occasionally I am attracted to men who don't match the criteria, but only after I get to know them.

Most of the time, though, it's the prototype.

[ddeclue]

127. Does the name "Charles Darwin" or the "Theory of Evolution" ring a bell anyone?

I find it very amusing that so many of the people who are supposedly pro "Evolution" on this board don't realize the real world consequences of that theory - i.e. that all animals (people are animals too) make comparative decisions and select what they perceive to be their "best" evolutionary choice and that the world is NOT "egalitarian" or "fair" and these choices are seldom based on "rational" or "logical" reasons and almost never based on objective facts.

Dating is cruel for most people and the choices they make are very often not so good and the people not chosen / rejected aren't happy about it either.

That's "evolution" for you folks.

Valentine's Day Sucks!

edited for grammar fail..

[c brand]

131. Bingo - examples: Asian males, BBWs

Males of shorter stature are generally/instinctively not the preferred choice in the animal kingdom
Some males prefer big/well-endowed females because high fat content suggests high fertility & good nutrition for offspring

[ddeclue]

133. I'm NOT singling out a race here.. I'm just saying people make choices

you are the one making overly broad generalizations.. there are plenty of tall asian people just like there are plenty of short white guys.

[TwilightGardener]

158. Yep--could be childhood experiences, could be some sort of subconscious

force at work (like evolution), any number of things can cause us to be attracted to certain races or types of people. Doubt we even have that much control over it. It's really not an area suited to affirmative action.

[Number23]

170. "It's really not an area suited to affirmative action".

Wow. Between your "hobo" comment and this gem, you are revealing oh so much about yourself in this thread. Unbelievable.

[treestar]

106. These idiots could miss out on someone who is really good for them

[liquid diamond]

117. Ding Ding Ding!

Prejudice only hurts your chances of finding love.

[Quantess]

128. If you're in jail.

:hide:
Love happens between friends, too. Friendship love is a beautiful thing, that surpasses race and gender far more easily than romantic love.

If you don't want to have sex with someone, you shouldn't have to.

[liquid diamond]

141. I'm talking about something more profound than sex.

Carry on being superficial.

[Withywindle]

144. Ain't much in the world more profound than sex.

I wouldn't want to spend even a few weeks, let alone the rest of my life, with someone I didn't enjoy having sex with and/or crave erotically.

The first fuck is an audition. It is VERY important; that's what determines if there'll be more. :)

[liquid diamond]

145. So YOU say.

Not all are like you...thankfully.

[treestar]

176. Do you think you are being auditioned?

this has to be another test too, in life?

LOL.

fuck that.

I hope you fail your next partner's test!

[ddeclue]

126. Sorry but when it comes to "love" we're all "idiots"..it just doesn't work that way.

if it were a "rational" or a "logical" process then we would NOT be idiots about it and we'd consider "personality" and "intelligence" first. From my personal experience women prefer tall athletic guys with good hair, especially if he's a "bad boy". Unfortunately they aren't so interested in average height "nice" guys with average builds and thinning hair. Is it really any wonder that half of all marriages end in divorce?

[c brand]

129. Prob is ... so-called nice guys ain't really nice::

Most women want a little challenge not a doormat... My feeling on this is some guys are nice only to impress while the so-called bad boys are more shall we say genuine... Plus I admit there is a reform factor ie some women want bad boys so they can "reform" them (or so they think). Anyhow bad boys seem to be able to stand up for themselves and know what they want, which is an attractive trait.

[ddeclue]

134. "bad boys" are no more genuine and are generally putting on an act for a quick score..

the notion of "bad boys standing up for themselves" is bogus too...nice guys stand up for themselves also and often are more willing and capable when the real time to do so arrives - they just don't flaunt it. It's really about being excited by someone they find dangerous and exotic.

[treestar]

177. Oh please, nice girls get nowhere either

I recall my egotistical roommate in college. Guys drooled over her. She was the most selfish narcissist on earth.

She was no better looking than I was. But give a choice between a shy girl and a constantly talking narcissist and the guy picks the egotist every time.

Don't know how many times I was overlooked for an egotistical female.

And what cracks me up is guys are supposed to prefer the better looking woman! i can prove that false. I was pretty but shy and always lost to the talker and egotist!

so give me a break. Men always prefer the narcissistic female. I've seen it over and over and over again.

My advice to girls who want to attract men: talk about yourself, and keep talking, dominate the conversation, even if you are ugly and your voice is like scratching a chalkboard, you will WIN so long as you keep talking about yourself and your concerns as if nothing else matters!

[Confusious]

154. Or we could waste 99.99% of our

and another person's time.

[JI7]

109. Apolo Ohno is Asian , how many women of any race would reject him ?

and Rush Limbaugh is a white man.

the problem with this is that people check preferences based on stereotypes they have of people.

what do you think people have in mind when they are thinking of Asian men ? or black women ? and white men ?

[JI7]

110. does anyone know if there are similar studies on gays and lesbians ?

whether there are racial preferences among gays and lesbians.

[ddeclue]

115. People make these exact same choices in bars and clubs - they just aren't being written down.

Ultimately people date (or not) other people based on their various subjective and generally superficial assessments of (generally in this order too) that person's physical attractiveness (are they tall, thin, good complexion, good teeth, good hair, no glasses, etc., etc.), and physical fitness, racial/ethnic preferences, a sense of mystery/exoticism/adventure/danger, wealth, talents, physical ability/athletic performance, jobs, their own assessment of the other person's interest in them, their age, their personal baggage, their intelligence and last and least: personality and behavior.

These are not rational, intellectual decisions for the most part unless the person decides they are dating to catch someone with money or power that can be more objectively quantified and often even these decisions aren't based on objective information but rather superficial appearances - nice cars, nice clothes, big spenders etc.

These various decisions are generally based on first appearances and are emotional, superficial and decided by the lower parts of the brain, not the frontal lobes.

If it were a rational, logical process, I'd be a lot better at it - it's clearly not - and I'm not.

In fact I don't quite see the logic to "dating sites" in the first place because you really can't tell much even with a detailed profile about how physically attracted you are to the other person. It's like ordering food from a new restaurant you've never eaten at from a menu you found hanging on your door knob.. it's all very abstract and you are missing the smell of the food and the ambience of the restaurant itself.

Suppose these dating sites were to eliminate pictures and suppress all racial and other physically descriptive information (eye color, hair color, weight, height, measurements, etc.).

Do you think the users of these sites would simply go along and date people they found unattractive to them (for whatever of the above many reasons and others) anyways simply because the dating site refused to tell them?

I sincerely doubt it.

It's not merely "race" or even age or weight.. people are often so particular that they only date musicians or red heads or people with tattoos or whatever.

Ultimately people are entitled to make whatever choices they think will make them happy in life regarding their mates and you aren't going to change their choice criteria through "sensitivity training" or through supressing these criteria from dating websites. That's just a holdover of our animal brains that we simply aren't going to be erasing any time soon.

Doug D.
Orlando, FL

[jobwithout]

116. I am a 67 years old Black Man

I have never and will never find white women attractive. I also don't find asian or hispanic women attractive but this has nothing to do with how I think of them as people. I wouldn't cause anyone of any race any harm nor would I deprive them of any human right. I just wouldn't date them no more than I would date another guy. I just don't find them attractive period.

[Quantess]

120. And here I am, telling you that you don't have to date anyone you don't want to!

You shouldn't have to second guess yourself.

I encourage everyone to make friends with people of different races, different backgrounds, different nationalities, etc. It's healthy and good for the soul to get to know different types of people.

But the sexual attraction part is different. It's personal. And nobody gets to tell anybody else who to choose!

[Throd]

118. Women are either hot, or they're not. Race isn't a factor for me.

[Skittles]

121. same with men, same for me

height, hair not factors for me either - my thing is intelligence; yes INDEED :D

[Number23]

136. Exactly. And in a truly "post-racial" world, it wouldn't be an issue for anyone.

[ddeclue]

132. Looks matter, hair matters, height matters or Kucinich would have been the nominee.

People make very superficial decisions based on appearance - they do it in bars, they do it in the polling place, they do it on juries and they of course do it on dating sites too:

[JI7]

139. yeah, but you are posting about beauty, this is about race

and based on that online dating crap many people would reject Tyra Banks.

[ddeclue]

140. I doubt it.. my point is that people's racial preferences are just one more subjective standard used

by people to make their choice. It is just as superficial as women who reject me becaues I'm 5'11" instead of 6'4".

[Raineyb]

143. You doubt it? The article is about how a large percentage of online daters deliberately

exclude people of certain races by noting who they will and will not respond to. Hello! If someone indicates that they don't want to hear from black women Tyra Banks is not going to get past their filter because they eliminated black women and just in case you've "forgotten", Tyra Banks is black. What part of that don't you get? If you eliminate all black women that INCLUDES Tyra Banks which means the poster you responded to is absolutely 100% correct when they say that Tyra Banks would be rejected.

[liquid diamond]

147. I don't think these assholes would go that far.

People that claim they wouldn't date a certain race would likely make an exception for someone that is drop dead gorgeous...i.e. Tyra Banks.

[dustbunnie]

157. I don't believe that at all. There are many cultural, ethnic, religious groups that don't --

accept outsiders. Some cultures arrange marriages to ensure the kids don't come home with unacceptable choices. There are pockets of people that stay within racial or ethnic boundaries out of a sense of pride, or because they believe a mate with the same experiences will "get them." And as many have said on this thread, there are mainstream people who avoid certain cultures, fundie religions or ethnicities out of fear of the potentially sexist tudes they'll encounter. You're trying to simplify something that's actually quite complicated.

[Raineyb]

161. Oh I have no doubt that there are some who would make exceptions for

someone famous. (I'm not so sure about drop dead gorgeous but not famous) People like that always find a loophole in their logic. However, if the situation is that they were waiting for responses from women they'd be excluding the Tyra Banks types because their profile would already say "no black woman need apply."

It is rather disturbing but ultimately not terribly surprising the number of people determined to miss the big picture and what this article implies about the state of this country's culture vis a vis people of color and how they're viewed in it.

[liquid diamond]

146. Just for the record I find Janeane Garafolo extremely attractive.

[ddeclue]

172. moderately attractive..certainly not supermodel material...

[DutchLiberal]

162. But Kucinich did end up with a beautiful wife!

[ddeclue]

173. but they don't live in the White House..

I think the fact that he's a U.S. Congressman doesn't exactly hurt his chances for finding an attractive wife.

[DeadEyeDyck]

135. I have trouble with all of this

Me and my sister are biracial. I was born in Germany. My father is black and my mother is (white) German. We were educated in German and Scottish schools though I graduated from HS in Hi. I am light-skinned but never attempted to pass. My sister is a "babe" and some might think I am suspicious for noticing.

I have no complaints. I was class President in my Sr. year. I never lacked for the ladies. If anything, I felt my racial make-up made me a celerity. I am not saying I get a free ride. I was laid off from the chicken plant I had worked at last Oct (IT manager) but that is business.

Look, I live in the deep south and think this race thing is being way over played. I have the coolest Dad that everyone wants to know. He is retired Green Beret who now is a personal body guard. Think Liam Nelson in "Taken". He was black ops in Iraq that he still can't talk about.

I think life is what you make it.

[Liberal_Stalwart71]

149. I'm a black woman who's trying to find love online and I'm having fun with it...

It's not all doom and gloom. I get messages from men of all races. :)

[blondeatlast]

166. I'm doing the online thing as well--I've met someone and it's going

very well.

It's funny, I never specced race in my profile (for a mate) and I get responses from all types of different people--there's no denying the physical attraction. It has nothing to do (for me) with their features but I can read personality to some degree from a photo. I've struckk up communications and had a few dates with non-whites and whites alike (I was married to an Asian Indian). It's all been good, I've met some great people even if the romance wasn't there (until now).

That's what I found with S--there was just something that clicked and he thought so as well when we met. It's going very well for us so far!

Good luck--I was of the mind that I'd NEVER try online dating but I gacve it a go and I've had lots of fun.

[Chemisse]

155. It's funny

As a white female, I have always been attracted to darker skinned guys with black hair and dark eyes. Yet when I pick a mate, he has always been lighter skinned and blue eyed.

I think I unconsciously sought someone with a similar cultural and ethnic background, so we have a lot in common. My husband and I have similar opinions and ideas; we don't need to hash out every little thing.

[c brand]

156. It's really about culture and probably religion also, not just race

But race is what people wear on the outside.... For ex. Most women don't want to date Arab men because they're afraid of getting involved with the Arab culture and probably Islam.

[blondeatlast]

163. OP, OP, Aunt Bea's made chicken, biscuits, 'n gravy... C'mon and eat, ya hear? nt

[DutchLiberal]

164. Funny, I'm a white male and I'm the exact opposite...

I find black, Asian, Indian and Arab/Middle Eastern women to be more attractive than white women...

Does this mean I'm a reverse racist? ;)

[texasleo]

171. black women will be snubbed by men of ALL races-- ding ding

Why are people not discussing the flight of black men from black women?

[AsahinaKimi]

174. "the media's portrayal of Asian women as being hypersexual"

Yah whats up with that???

Meh! Tell me about it! Every time I go into a chat room, there are many guys who make rude degrading remarks, hoping for me to go "cyber" or some such thing.. blah!

I love going to Chat, but some times it can leave a bad taste in my mouth!