Just for laughs

[Goldstein1984]

Abstract: Sentience among laboratory-raised Republicans (Phylum: Invertebrata)
Public health and safety recommendations.

Standard models of sentient life contradict the likelihood that invertebrate animals are able to speak. However, specimens of Republicans, pragmatically assigned to the phylum Invertebrata, have long been known to produce sounds approximating human speech. Vocalization among spineless organisms is known only in Republicans. The debate over whether Republicans actually know what they are saying has been contentious. The hypothesis that vocalizations by Republicans are indications of intelligence is addressed in this paper.

Meticulous observations conducted during the 2009 field season demonstrate with a high degree of confidence that Republicans do not know what they are saying. Rather, they mimic repeated speech patterns. Such mimicry is reinforced by frequent rewards. When rewards are offered in larger quantity or with greater frequency, the mimicry response correspondingly increases. Under ideal conditions, Republicans have been trained to perform amusing tricks. Republicans gather in social groupings called caucuses. A Republican caucus should never be confused with the more familiar human caucus, where decisions are sometimes made. A caucus of Republicans vocalizing and performing tricks can be distracting. Research was routinely interrupted for extended periods.

Those who handle and train Republicans professionally are called Lobbyists. Traditionally, private ownership of Republicans has not been a common practice. However, their popularity as pets increased exponentially among well-to-do Americans during the last decades of the 20th Century. Ownership of Republicans among the American economic elite has continued to increase during the first decade of the 21st Century. It is standard practice for researchers to keep Republicans under controlled conditions in laboratory settings. Feral and untended Republicans pose a threat to the wellbeing of the community.

The actual number of feral Republicans is unknown. While easy to locate, they produce noise out or proportion to their size, making population size difficult to estimate. Outside of lab settings, they are difficult to study while in a caucus. Few survive an encounter with an agitated caucus unchanged. Encounters with caucuses of Republicans routinely leave victims in a state of disorientation. One survivor of an encounter described the experience as, “Like being swarmed by a nest of angry yelling bees wearing expensive cologne.”

If you do encounter a Republican, slowly back away without making eye contact. If the Republican speaks, remember that it is only mindless mimicry. DO NOT TAKE ANY DIRECTION OFFERED BY A REPUBLICAN.