"I have no gift to bring" - a post of thanks to my many friends here on DU this holiday season

[The Straight Story]

I heard the song The little drummer boy today and heard the phrase "I have no gift to bring" - and as usual little things can set my mind in motion and certain items in life just click.

I will explain why I am posting this at the end of this thread (so as not to bore those who want to skip my posts about my life).

So often people feel bad seeing others in pain/need and are not readily able to do something for them. When I was able I helped a local charity by adopting families for christmas and working with my engineers and others to raise money to buy everyone in those families the things they asked for (a total I think of 11 families we were able to assist.

This year I cannot, nor can many others I know. This year, once again I am on the other side of the fence.

And as I sat and pondered those lyrics the gears within my mind began to flow in a positive direction.

I am not a little drummer boy, nor would I suspect are many of you. I can't play a song to soothe your woes.

But I can do what many of you can here - I can write and be decent and empathetic to others. I can encourage. I can listen (read). I can try to see the pain others are and write back and tell them that even if no one they know personally will understand and listen I (and others here) will.

I can kick a thread someone put effort into writing and that is sinking, so that the person at the other end of this long super highway does not feel that what they took the time to post meant nothing - that someone cared to read it and at least say 'hey, efven if I don't have time to reply with something I can let you know you are not all alone out there'.

I can't do it for everyone, not here enough to be able to of late - but it doesn't really cost me more than a few moments of time to welcome someone to DU, to kick something, to tell someone I am sorry for what they are going through, etc and so on.

I have no gift to bring but the ones these hands can give through the keyboard I sit in front of - and sometimes that gift means a lot more to someone that I or others realize.

So many here have put up with my rants, my postings about my life and trials, they have put up with some guy they have never met who is going through a few years of hell and has no outlet other then to write it all out and get it from my head to the screen. Because it helps me - and I know when others type out things, even if not heavy and just plain fun, they are using their instrument to play a song to which they hope others will listen; and maybe their song will bring something positive to others.

Without even trying so many here have brought me a gift, I feel like when I am here around you all I am in the calm of the eye of a hurricane - destruction has hit, more is to come, but for those brief moments I spend here I find a peace that gets me through many a night. A peace many of you have given others without even knowing it.

Words mean things, and kind words are free to type and the rhythm they produce can soothe the hurting soul. I have written my share of things that probably didn't help, but instead hurt. We all have probably posted things we later regretted - so if I have to you please accept my apologies at this time. After 18k+ posts I am sure I have not always been the best man, but I won't let my failures detract from my efforts to do better. The ship that carries this soul won't sink because I have hit a few icebergs on my life journey, instead I will mark those places on the chart in my heart and try to avoid such things in the future. I am sure I will hit more but my skills at navigating this world wide web are getting better and my map is made more clear by the knowledge that as I travel I can leave behind something good and positive if I choose to give the gift of kindness over one of anger and trying to just be right.

Thank you all for donating to DU and helping to keep this place going. It is the one place I can use to help me chart a new path on those dark stormy nights at sea, when I feared my ship was sinking there were those here who gave me something when they thought they had no gift to bring.

You listened and gave me positive thoughts to keep me on this vessel so that some day I may reach those calm seas as I travel across this vast ocean we call life.

*** The personal stuff:
My life is falling apart in ways only a few here know, several here have helped me out and you know who you are and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I find myself near being homeless and alone, my wife and daughter will be ok - which is what I wanted for them. I won't live with my dad, and am not sure how much longer I can live here with my wife and my friend . For the first time in 10 years I am searching for someone else, something else, because I feel like no matter how hard I have tried I have failed.

I would never bail on my wife and leave her alone while she goes through her parkinson's, but I have
become nothing much more than someone whose responsibility in life is make money and pay bills and try to
smile through this whole situation. I'll spend this Thanksgiving alone as I was not invited to his
sister's house as it might seem awkward (He's told her all about how much he loves her and that I am understanding of the situation as I want her to be happy while she is sick and I am willing to let her be free in this relationship).

I basically live alone in the basement of some other person's house and am expected to be happy about it and have been told it is all my fault because I was not there enough for her. If I am upset about it, I am being selfish. I am told I was not there and now I want to be there because someone else is. Such is the life of a care giver who did what he could for those he loved but could not be there 24x7 like someone else can now (try taking care of a sick wife who was in bed most the time, taking care of a kid, and working 12-16 hours a day managing 3 data centers - then being told you did nothing).

The dark side of things many have not seen here is the depression my wife has been through, I am not mad at her - I have seen her go downhill the last few years, and now she has something new to cling to - someone who can do nothing but give her attention 24x7, which I used to do until we had our baby and she (the wife) got sick. And the last few years I have suffered through multiple deaths, found my kids again (2 of who signed up with the army so they can go to Iraq, and whose step dad abused them), lost my house, my career, and now sit here each day in hopes of just getting a job so I can the bills and feed my little girl and hope to have enough left over so that I can get a few beers and smokes just to try and kill the pain.

When I suffered the worst in my life people told me to just get over it, like they are now. I would like nothing more to be that happy go lucky wild guy I once was. I can barely afford to buy my daughter a happy meal most the time, when I used to be able to get her just about anything. I am willing to support my wife through this and see her happy, but somewhere in it I got lost and became the bad guy.

I live now off the kindness of strangers, when I used to live off my skills and hard work. My daughter and wife/friend have food because others saved my ass, but right now I just want something for me - to be able to go out and talk to some people and have someone tell me I am not a crazy SOB, to have listen to me when I am down and not tell me I just need meds (which I have) but to realize I am more sad than depressed. I want a life with someone I can share without all the guilt and yelling and blame.

Deep down I know she loves me and relies on me, I know she needs me - But I have spent a great deal of my life taking care of others and their needs, and when I have needs I am just being selfish.

I can't fix her disease, her brain cyst, her heart issues, her asthma, or her mental problems. I can only do so much.

And the only people I have left to talk to are here. Everyone loves my wife, she is pretty, smart, and sick - and the old TSS is just a broken down old man that no one seems to want around unless he can give them something.

I have nothing to give my baby at Christmas, The little kitties she loved and adored - well I had to shoot one of them after the flea bath the wife gave them with dog flea shampoo put them into seizures and they were biting off their own tongues (she still thinks they are at the vets and daddy calls em each day, just waiting to get a replacement cat for her), I should be getting my unemployment in a few weeks which will help - but I spend my days scrounging for change just to get by. I apply for about 5-10 jobs a day, but the market is tight here for us computer nerds (I also applied at every fast food place in town).

The one place I have been able to come and talk is here. The one place I have not felt like I am a total failure is here on DU.

The one place I have relied on over these last few hard years is here.

Thank you for listening all these years and donating to DU so I can have a place to get out all the things I have had to talk about.

-TSS

[Frosty1]

1. Never give up TSS

:hug:

[OnceUponTimeOnTheNet]

2. check your pm's. Thinking about you.

Hang in there.

[netania99]

3. I send a hug, too

:hug:

[Flying Dream Blues]

4. I'm so sorry you are going through this, TSS.

Please accept this :hug: and know that my heart goes out to you. I hope things get better for you really soon. Also, no matter how much you love someone and how sick she is, she should not get to excuse her need for someone else by saying something so cruel and untrue as you "did nothing" for her. I'm sorry for you both, but I hope you will protect yourself from further hurt as best you can; hopefully to find a different living situation, even if only temporarily. This situation sounds so painful that I think it will be difficult to do the things you need to do if you stay there.
:hug:

[kestrel91316]

5. Hang in there. Better times are coming.

[FloridaJudy]

6. I wish there were something I could do

To improve your situation. But all I can do is send good vibes and cyber-hugs.

:hug:

[NMDemDist2]

7. your presence here is gift enough for me.

I've been down and out and climbed back out (after the age of 50 too), but it sux.

:hug:

wish I could do more, but know one little old woman in the badlands of New Mexico is pulling for you and wishing the best of everything for you and those you love.

A new year is coming with a new president and new hope for all of us. Hang in there, man. just hang on. A wind of change is blowing your way.

:pals:

[UpInArms]

8. tss - you truly are loved

:grouphug:

[latebloomer]

9. I'm so sorry you are going through this, TSS!

I have read your posts for a long time and have always been impressed by your love and devotion to your wife. It seems so unfair that you are going through this.

I'm recovering from a very serious illness and I am well aware of how hard is the role of the caregiver. It is worse in some ways than that of the sick person, because you get much less support and sympathy. You are under so much emotional stress and trying to accomplish so much at the same time- eg., working your butt off. It's traumatic stress. Who cares for the caregiver?

I sincerely hope that things improve for you soon and for the highest good of all involved.

:hug:

[pacalo]

10. I remember reading awhile back how much you loved your wife & grieved over her illness.

I'm really disheartened to hear that your wife has little appreciation for all you've done. I've had to care for my mother after her breast cancer surgery years ago; I know the heartache of a caretaker having to witness the suffering when nothing can be done to ease the pain, & I know how much work goes into taking care of someone so helpless.

There are some people who turn on the ones they love the most when they're hurting; they blame the caretaker because they're hurting. The person with the illness knows the loved one will excuse them for using them as a punching bag & continue loving them. Like you said, you can't fix her disease; could she be "punishing" you for being healthier?

Her turning to another man that you're both living with must be the ultimate hurt! After all the beautiful feelings that you've written about your wife through the years, I have to wonder how she could treat you so callously? You've been there for her for better or for worse, & now that you're down on your luck, she's turned to a "friend" of yours & is flaunting it.

Considering all that's happened, it sounds like you need to get out of there for your own sanity. Don't allow yourself to be treated this way. Find another job far away from where she is. If you have to, get a job in another field.

Take care, TSS, & here's a :hug:

[Booster]

11. You're not a bad guy - you're a good guy, and I sincerely hope

things start looking up for you cause I think you're one talented writer. Wish there was some words to say to change your life around, but I don't know what they would be. Give your daughter your love and time cause that's all she really wants, and always remember you've done the best you could for your wife. Peace, my friend.

[AuntPatsy]

12. OMG.....

:cry: No words....you need so much more..

[Hekate]

13. I think of you often, TSS.

Your letter brings tears to my eyes, and I wish I could give more than this :hug:
But somewhere in my heart I feel: You will live to see better days.

Hold on. Drop in when you can.

Hekate

[bdamomma]

14. if it helps remember we are here for you.

:hug:

[RevolutionStartsNow]

15. Ah, but you do have a gift...

You are a gifted writer and clearly a compassionate and loyal person, a devoted father and husband, and a friend to many.

I am so sorry you are suffering, and hope that things get better for you. Just give your little girl her daddy's love, that's what she wants most.

I will keep you in my thoughts, you always remind me that even in hard times we should remember to be kind.

:hug:

[Waiting For Everyman]

16. Hi (((TSS))), glad to be 5th rec. :)

Your post is probably the most moving I've read here, of many. I only got here this year, but I really relate to everything you wrote about why you post. I so understand that, and could've written most of it myself, only not so well.

I really know how you feel as a long term, chronic caregiver too. My husband became ill the first year we were married, and only got worse and worse for 25 years. I really understand how it feels and how hard it is, and how invisible most of it is to outsiders. It's very lonely, and very difficult. I relate to your feelings about what your daughter does without. My kids too, had earlier affluent days which they don't remember. They grew up hard, counted as little by a world which measures people by dollar signs.

It's funny that you mention a song I have always loved, ever since it was on the radio decades ago. I do, because it expresses the same thought you wrote in beginning, about giving what one can out of sheer "heart". That is what I admired even before the trials in my later life. You have it TSS, that's clear, even though I don't "know you" as some here do.

I'm going through my "dark tunnel" too, since my husband died last Christmas. Our life insurance policy was canceled a few years before he died, and my income was instantly cut in half. For the first 3 months there was none at all, which used up what little I had put aside. I'm waiting now to find out if I'll lose the home we lived in for 12 years. I'm looking for my 3rd job this year. This is the first year I've been able to work since 1988 because he had to have someone with him 24/7.

I say that only to let you know that someone else here really "hears" you, and knows what you're going through. You will be in my thoughts (that's a euphemism for prayers). Fwiw, I believe that people of heart are watched out for, and I believe that they endure more than most (mostly I guess because they can, but also this world is contemptuous of real givers).

Please keep heart. Don't let the flame go out. You're right to come here for sustenance and to GIVE what you have to offer, which is a lot! The things you mentioned, which we who have no gift to bring can do, matter a LOT. That is so true. Just from what you write, I can tell that you are a person of intelligence and talent, and you will find your next way to continue on. I will too.

Remember as you carry on (somehow) day by day... We are more than what we do, or our job title, or our circumstances, or what has happened in our past, or what our prospects may or may not be, or what acknowledgment we get or don't from others. We are more than what we have or don't have. We are who we are INSIDE. The essence is what's valuable, not anything external or incidental.

I want to share with you a little poem I was struck by for some reason in high school, which I still remember even though I forgot much more important things...

"Measure your life by loss and not by gain, not by the wine drunk but by the wine poured, for love's strength stands in love's sacrifice. And he who suffers most has most to give."

I've seen it attributed to different people, usually to Ugo Bassi from "Sermon in a Hospital". Whether that's right or not, I don't know. Today, it has been taken up by Jesus-freaks a lot. It sounds rather chumpish, I know, especially today, but I sort of "got it" back when I first read it... that it's the love given that matters, not the love that is a "success" by being acknowledged. Wine that's given and poured on the ground is just as valuable in the giving of it as wine that's savored. And that's why those who give a lot, suffer a lot. People have different "bandwidths", they don't always have the ability to appreciate who we are or what we're giving. But that doesn't diminish it. It's measured in the outflow.

TSS, of that, you have a lot. :hug:

Peace to you, my friend. Love will find you again. Meanwhile, remember that no matter how life or loved ones treat you, you're a very worthwhile human being... you're a "valuable one". You have the bandwidth. That means you can appreciate more, too - you can receive what others can't, which gives you more that no one can take away.

WFE

Thanks so much for your OP, I was touched and encouraged by it, and not many things get to me. :) I want to "trade you back" one more thing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohzDvCqS0K0

Sometimes I feel better just knowing someone else has felt the same way too, and I like that it's beautiful and "up" rather than maudlin. Strangely enough, it was only added yesterday - usually I have trouble finding a song I'm thinking of.

[Waiting For Everyman]

17. oh and...

"The Little Drummer Boy", 1958 original 45 rpm.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJJKZJm7-F0

I remember buying this (for 10 cents I think) at the corner drugstore when I was 8. Always loved it ever since.

[RFKHumphreyObama]

18. Oh TSS, I'm so very, very sorry

I've read your posts on here about your wife time and time again and your love, devotion and total adoration for her always came shining through. You always and still do seem to me to have been a wonderfully loving husband and partner and I'm so very unbelievably sorry that you are having to go through this.

I really wish I could do more for you but can only offer you my sincerest thoughts, prayers, positive vibes and best wishes. I really hope things get better for you very soon and that you are able to have the life you deserve:hug: :hug:

[Iwillnevergiveup]

19. Oh my, oh my

your story has completely touched my soul. But you are a gifted thinker and writer - and your own good soul is going to see you through this.

K&R:hug:

[Oldtimeralso]

20. You Have A Gift To Bring.

Your posts are very meaningful to me. I have a disability and survive only due to the efforts of a great care giver, my wife. I have learned a lot from your posts and always look for them as a guide for my future. You are in my thoughts.

[The Straight Story]

31. That meant a lot to me

As have so many other responses here today.

During these dark nights alone I feel so happy to be able to talk to others.

I do love her and maybe this will pass, but for now I think I will take a long break and be alone for a spell and see what happens.

[enigmatic]

21. good vibes, my friend

:hug:

[Fireweed247]

22. I know it is none of my business...

but I think you should reclaim your wife! I too have seen your complete adoration of her on this board and I think her treatment of you is unbelievable and you should not allow it. You are being too nice. You are partners, in sickness and in health, and who cares if someone else is interested in her, she has a commitment to you and your child together. You seem like such a deep soul, how could she only care if you have a job and are bringing home the bacon? How could she leave you alone on Thanksgiving?! Doesn't she know who you are? You are more than your career and your family means a lot more than her cheap thrills. I don't care if she is sick and you are depressed, it is these difficult times when you need each other the most. Are you sure you didn't give her up too easily?]

And as far as gifts for your daughter, can DU help? Tell us what she wants and maybe some secret santa DUers can send presents your way...

[I Have A Dream]

27. Yes, I'd like to be a Secret Santa also. nt

[Fireweed247]

29. I would like to start some kind of giving tree on DU

Times are tough and we can set a great example of how community helps each other!

How old is your little girl Straight Story? Everyone loves buying presents for little girls...

[The Straight Story]

30. She is 7, here is her pic:

[sazemisery]

23. Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.

Benjamin Spock, pediatrician and author.

I have read your posts since I first logged on here in 2004. Your a strong, intelligent, thoughtful, caring human being. You have worth and tomorrow WILL be better than yesterday.

Hang in there, TSS, you are not the only one hanging by a thread. If we all take our threads and braid them together, we will have a strong rope in which to climb out of the crevasse.

[ravencalling]

24. Hang in there

There is one thing that is assured in your and your wife's future and that is change. I have not been in your situation, but I have been in many difficult personal situations which I do not care to go into. Although during those times I did not think I would make it through and at times I didn't want to, I did make it to new phases in my life, and I found joy as well as love again.
I have known personal friends who were caregivers, and one whose husband died in her arms. During the years she cared for him he became more and more abusive towards her. At work, people were cruel to her.. unbelievably cruel I might add, only adding to her pain and at times work was piled on this woman out of sheer meanness all when her husband was on his literal death bed. She at the same time suffered through personal painful illness. She used to tell me, don't ever tell people anything about your personal life because they will use that to destroy you. You see not all situations are pretty postcards, easy for people to understand. There are times when people back away from your situation because they simply cannot fathom it. The worse pain however has the capability of producing the most gain in personal growth. If you are fortunate enough, and I add fortunate, because not all are, to make it through, or to see someone else through their trials, the pay off is that you can become a person who has this enhanced capacity for getting the most spiritual bang for the buck of life. You have great friends here on DU. No-one can reach into your heart to take your pain away, but after it is all said and done, you will find that the little things are what assisted you to get through your situation, and you will look back on those things as having great importance. And what you learn now will in the future be the greatest gift you can give your daughter.

[Octafish]

25. We are lucky to have You and Yours in our lives.

And we are proud to call You, Friend and Brother.

Know what you mean about the "Old Man" part.

Sheesh, everywhere I go, everybody looks like a kid these days.

No matter what the age, though, we're all the same inside -- Children of God.

[rubberducky]

26. Oh, hugs and more hugs to you!

I can`t hold you physically for a hug but, I will hold you in my heart! You are a very special addition to our little community here.Hang tight,my friend, and remember "This too shall pass". Because it will pass and one way or another your life will move on. Hold tight to that little girl of your`s and know that you are giving her the best gift of all.......YOU and your unconditional love. Money is very tight for a lot of us this year and I know it`s had me thinking "out of the box". I hope you get a little smile from what I am giving my mother this year........her eulogy. No, she`s alive and well at 78, but through every funeral we have been through she fusses and frets about what people will say about her when she`s "gone". I have been working on this "eulogy" for a couple of weeks now, tweaking it to get it just right, saying the things that really should be said NOW, not when she can no longer hear these words. I know this sounds dumb, but I also know that this will put a part of her at peace and let her know how loved she IS always. So, wrap your arms around your little girl on Christmas day and tell her about when she was a baby, all the cute and sometimes the not so cute things that she did when she was "little". Best of all things to you and your family!

[I Have A Dream]

28. Much love and light to you, TSS.

:hug::hug::hug: